I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
This is the first time .. in all these decades that ANYBODY'S BIRTHDAY has been forgotten and a card not sent. The very first time!
I think SIL is probably royally pizzed with me and wants nothing to do with me .. she didn't text the above to me. Highly unusual .. remember her brother doesn't really respond to texts from her, it's always me she texts.
I think she is likely royally pizzed with me ..
I don't care!
I am so terribly sorry I forgot her husband's bday however. None of this is any reflection on him .. he is the sweetest kindest person I know on the planet. So for that I am sorry ..
But just found that interesting. That she'd text DH .. about her husband's bday (obviously not marked on their end, with a card having been sent, and phone calls of well wishes and Happy Bday). Wasn't on purpose, that I can assure.
But nonetheless.
As my mom said so long ago .. aware of all this, .. "I'd be telling her if she wants her mom cared for in that manner, she needs to figure out how to move here and do it herself, .. or move her mother to her!".
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That worked for SIL for a long long time. Now obviously, my thoughts are, that she needs to be in her daughter's care, as the only other offspring she has is her son .. and .. he still works for a living .. hard/laborious work, in this heat and he is exhausted a good deal of the time. By default it would fall to Dorker, his wife .. and Dorker is not willing to do it. So the obvious choice, .. at least from where I sit .............. his sister needs to .. as my mom says, "'figure out how to do it her damn self".
She doesn't wanna do that, her mom doesn't want that option .. then they need to do as I've urged .. back when I used to do so .. both you and your brother sit down and figure a plan to approach your mom .. that this doesn't work .. and what she would like for an AL setting and the navigation forward in that.
No one wanted to do that.
So .. status quo .. and for a long time, they had stooly Dorker .. steppin and fetchin .. all to an ever increasing in volume, refrain .. this aint working folks.
Wasn't working for me .. me solely. Was working nicely for everyone else in this orbit wasn't it?
Since April when I finally got her to sit down, face-time (which was a feat you cannot imagine how difficult it was to achieve) .. I told her my limitations a this point going forward, and I meant it, and have stuck to them.
The fact that your mom is now ill and cannot manage .. could've been predicted, .. we've seen it how many damn times?
Oh but now .. we want everyone dancing to that beat ... "DH will you stay with mother over the weekend".
DH ..................... didn't ever stay with mother over anytime frame .. unless Dorker was there with a bullwhip ............ urging same. THE SUPPORT IS NOT THERE TO CONTINUE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only this time ....................... what is on full view, .. is what that looks like, .. absent Dorker and propping it up. It looks messy .. it looks so very sad and unfortunate for a poor old frail woman that I do care about.
But she made this bed too .. this chitstorm .. literally .. of a bed!
I am NOT stepping back into it!
If her own son doesn't care to go take a gander at his mom's bathroom, to see if there is chit smeared here and there .. then .. who the hell am I to go do it? I did .. and we see where it got me .. more chit smeared bathrooms and more trips to the doc and more hand-holding .. and more more more. All while the ever increasing volume of refrain, "this isn't working folks" fell on deaf damned ears.
Sad for her .. that this is what her life has become. But she made this bed too!
Her son .. he was advised .. and a lot of DIL's wouldn't even care enough to do that much, to go check his mom's bathroom .. he didn't see fit to do so.
THE SUPPORT, TO PROP ALL THIS UP .. IT AINT THERE FOLKS! Never was!
I said as much . how many hundreds of times! I've lost how much time I will never get back, wringing my own damn hands over it all, countless hours of sleep .. and how many fights between me and DH over it all, . nobody gives a rat's azz.
This and any other scenarios one can conjure up could've been predicted ..
But yet nothing changes does it?
Oh but Dorker if you'll just step n fetch. Nope, Dorker is done.
Interesting side note .. I am the one in both families .. that remembers ALL bdays . Always ................. ALL OF THEM ................without fail ................for decades now.
SIL texted DH this afternoon when we were
Then came in from that, .. said g'bye to family and DH and I went to have dinner with some friends.
How did MIL fare today? I don't have the foggiest notion. If DH knows, he hasn't said and I haven't asked.
I figured, .. he's summoned church lady to go by and visit/check on her, and if the bottom has fallen out .. we'll know sooner than we'd like. I never heard any such news. But I also didn't ask.
That was quite on purpose on my part. Concerted effort, to remove myself from it and enjoy the day.
I did notice, .. (he didn't seem to) .. at dinner with some friends, .. his phone was .. a constant barrage of texts dinging in. Likely his sister from afar .. and who knows about what? Maybe the toilet levitated and flew out the window for all I know.
We are both absolutely beat tired. Long long day. Swimming/sunshine, .. .and then home long enough to shower and off and gone again to socialize. Absolutely spent.
I did ask him on the way home, "somebody was blowing up your phone, have you looked at it". His response? a sigh and "Probably my sister! Not looking at it right now, I'm driving".
If he did look at it once we got home and his bat chit crazy sister has it that monkeys are flying out of MIL's backside .. I don't know it. I do know he is far too worn out from the day to go and hand-hold and such.
Any of ya'll that think I should over-ride this whole thing and hop right on into it. You need to realize ..
There is very good cause for where I am ....
It is not me that chooses to endorse this set up .. that MIL will have .. Team MIL (b'chit, there is no "team"). It's not me that chooses to endorse this, "oh she'll be fine .. she will manage", as was the mantra for so long. I don't endorse any of it.
It's not mine to do or not.
My fault that I was mired in all this and enabled .. a situation wherein MIL .. is not able to manage .. but .. for so long ... it was propped up and rather nicely .. at SIL's direction from afar.
SIL with her, "I don't know what we'll do with her, she's so stubborn", .. as she waltzes off back to IL ............. only to then direct from afar .. to the dancing monkey here in me. That's my fault. I propped it up longer than was healthy for her, .. but certainly longer than was healthy for me and my emotional well being. Far too long.
The crux of it is, .. we're all free to make our own choices here. SIL with her dog sitting which takes precedence over coming to get her mom .. denying any willingness to take her in the dead of winter, since .. of course, she has to go out and jog daily (yea right) .. denying any willingness to take her in the Fall before that, as she will manage, .. and "she's so stubborn". Just all of it, .. none of this is my choice.
MIL with her dread and angst over going to her daughter's.
Sad truth is this. MIL .. no ........... I don't think she has dementia at all .. not really. But her judgment skills .............. whoa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....................they are way off the mark! She .. who fails to see that she does not manage .. she can't adequately care for her prized poochy that means more to her than the air she breaths. She can't take care of herself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But she fails to see that.
What Realtime said is dead-on .. she wants what she wants, .. stay in her home .. and then whoever has to jump to the beat of that drum .. whatever, works for her. And .. truthfully ... I don't even see it, .. in her, .. as manipulation .. I see it more that she is .. way off the mark judgement-wise. Way way off!
Works for SIL ............ she's been able to kick the can down the road for how long now?, .. and for a long time .. get the steppin and fetchin met rather
ER might do some IV fluids and send her home. It does NOT sound like she's got an admit-able condition, especially if she is resistant to staying, and she would be.
MIL wants what many elderly folks want--what the ads for Reverse Mortgages help them envision--someone at their elbow, making them tea round the clock. It's a pretty picture, but it doesn't work that way, in my experience.
Dorker has no "standing" to call 911; it's not her call to make. By not doing so, she is respecting the boundaries (stupid or not) that MIL's children have learned to live by.
Until SIL gets sick of living her life on a hamster wheel, none of this will change.
I can't get the picture of that stinky, germ-laden house out of my mind. There is NO WAY MIL did a thorough cleaning. And, like someone mentioned, I wouldn't even allow her filthy sheets and nightclothes into my house to wash. Yuck!
I hope Dorker's enjoying her day at the waterpark with her family. I'm sure she will be back later to tell us an update. SIL has probably been blowing up H's phone with text messages.
The countdown to MIL's departure for IL with SIL is now at 19 days. Just 19 days!
But...if MIL feels that she needs emergency attention, why doesn't SHE call 911? That's certainly an interesting point. And, would she refuse the help once it got there if she didn't?
On the one hand, it would be hard, hard, hard to watch this go down, and not worry, and want to do something to try and fix it, but on the other, if I'd already been down this road so many times as Dorker has, I too would probably back away and say, "Enough. You guys (including MIL) want something different, do it."
Barb, I usually agree with you. And I look at you as one of the true wise women on this forum. I remember your kindness to "Scott" all the way through to the end of his story.
But I don't agree that calling 911 to get help for MIL is the equivalent of ignoring a DNR order, which seems to be what you're implying. The DNR mercifully spares a person something he or she sees as worse than the natural death that's coming. It's a whole different thing to receive helped when things, including your own hygiene, have just got to be more than you can handle. I don't think MIL really wants the pink fluffy cloud to come *now* --- she wants someone else to solve her problems because she's isn't able to do it anymore herself and whatever she may say, she knows it.
Where I do agree with you (Barb) is that the someone *ought* to be DH or SIL, or both of them together. No one else, except Dorker, has a clear, complete picture of what's going on. But damn it, they haven't done it yet, MIL needs help now --- and so does Dorker, who shouldn't have to spend her spare time agonizing over a situation she can't control. Maybe this episode will resolve itself without tragedy but there will be another...and another...and another, until her poor frail body gives out. That's not the merciful release of a DNR for a person in the dying process --- I think that's something like torture.
How about a report of "elder self-neglect" to APS? Having to respond to a state agency should build a fire under the silly siblings.
I think MIL's situation was waaay too similar to my grandmother, who was FINE with dying, but not in a feces covered bathtub, crying, shivering and with strangers helping her. It broke her spirit completely. She would have died anyway, just sometimes, I think back and it breaks my heart that there in the bathroom was a lovely peignoir set--she wore only the "best" to bed. And she gets hauled out of her home in a rough emergency blanket. Never wore anything but a hospital gown for the rest of her short remaining days. The irony is not lost.
I know it's SIL's ridiculous managing from afar and DH's absolutely clueless awareness of ANYTHING that has my teeth on edge.
I said what I felt should happen. I don't regret that. Part of me would really love to see this woman have a sweet gentle cloud come get her. Realistically, it WILL be another bout of horrendous diarrhea or a major fall. Won't be pretty, either way. I guess I was hoping in the hospital she'd at least get cleaned up.
Wondering how she is today--wondering if she's going to be able to find some kind souls with strong stomachs who will clean up after her. This poor church woman who is coming over today---she's been told, I hope, by DH what to expect.
MIL's saga keeps reminding me of how I absolutely DO NOT want to be.
There is no Victorian fluffy cloud, mama in her dressing gown, receiving the prodigal son and giving everyone her last blessing.
Death is cruel, painful and agonizing for all involved. You get to a point where you simply have no idea what to do anymore and then you call Hospice. The closest thing I've experienced to the fluffy cloud is morphine, and even with that, we watched my mom weep, grimace, pant, gurgle and stop breathing several times for hours before she was finally gone.
Dorker has NO business calling 911 if this woman's children don't want her to have emergency, lifesaving care. DH is already grieving the vibrant person his mother once was. DIL got the "5 wishes" done last time she was in town. Her children are at peace with what MIL wants. Dorker should let this go.
To quote myself about my MIL, "this is the waste of a perfectly good grandmother", one who should be enjoying her grandchildren's life events and the arrival of each greatgrandchild.
But she doesn't. She's resisted getting old and doesn't do it with grace (facelift, vein ablation?). She won't come to events and won't do the work, or the work arounds, to make them possible (wheelchair, PT, compliance with meds).
Dorker, for your own mental health, you've got to let this go. Let her kids manage their mom as they see fit.
If it ever gets to the point where MIL is out of the house with plans to come back, I seriously hope you hire a place like sani clean to come in with their magic. They know exactly what, where, and how to clean unsanitary items so much better than a normal person.
And since her washer does not work, I'd suggest simply buying new to replace her sheets and underwear instead of DH hauling them to your house. I would not want to introduce whatever germs into my home environment and her washer situation is ridiculous. DH might realize that the cost of fixing it would be reasonable if he sees the new packages of items coming in.
If H was just there, he should have been the one to call 911. He said she seems "somewhat better."
And now one of the church ladies has been summoned to visit and check in on her today? Did no one come by last week? Does one of them still come by regularly? (Personally, I think it's unfair to expect someone to come into a house where someone is so sick.)
If MIL is so sick, then H would be staying with her this weekend. And he's not.
Dorker should let SIL and H make the decision on whether MIL needs to go to the hospital.
Wasn't it she who so wants for that cloud to summon her, who called in her refill on an antibiotic in case this is a Diverticulitis flare up?
Someone saw fit in it all there should be Gatorade and saltines and such ....that DH needed to be dispatched to bring said items last night.
NEVERMIND DORKER WAS SENT THERE LESS THAN 24 HOURS EARLIER ... SAME ITEMS.
This ain't nothing new. This same completely broken mess has been at work for a long while. Her failure to manage.
Yet she is given the latitude to do just that.
The only thing different at this point is Dorjer is no longer SIL's Lackey and running in circles to meet endless need. And worse ...holding the bull whip at DH as I sit bedside daily and demand he do so nightly ... all while SIL directs the circus from afar.
Her offspring want to allow her the dignity and respect to chart her own course... this is what that course is gunna look like.
For a long time it was the latitude to do so ...Oh but dear Dorker would you be in the roads daily to prop all this horse chit up ... and I did it ...
All to the drum beat "she'll manage". She's NOT managing....I AM!!!!!
So I back away ... allow them their choices... .my harping a different time sure wasn't changing anything.
This is what she wants. Wants to be in her home she and poochy and her treasures, her memories, where things are perfect set up in her home.
Only it isn't perfect ... is it.
But BY GOD don't anyone assess that. Oh but yes MIL falls off the rails... and SIL from afar attempting to direct traffic here on this end. We've heard 2x's now she'd like DH to stay the weekend there.
The support isn't there .. on this end ... hasn't been ... to prop all this up ... unless Dorker wants to surrender her existence to it all.
But BY golly those IL doggies are well looked after
. And MIL wasn't carted off in the dead of a winter she never goes outside to experience anyway and by geebies TEAM MIL was gunna be the end all be all resource to it all right? MIL staying put just as she commands.
Only THIS is what that ends up looking like.
Where's the impetus on anyone's part to change any of this ... if ever ...if Dorker is gunna hop right back into it all and prop it all up ... holding court there to provide sips of sustenance and hand holding and laundering and sanitizing...
It's been done. Too many times.
This is the path you all want .. then don't be summoning someone into it all to prop it up ...
Dog sitting far far more important!!!!!!
Dorker, this is not your responsibility. Just keep reminding yourself of that. MIL has two children, and they're not you.
Interesting, though, isn't it. If MIL lived in the same town as her daughter instead of her son, her bathroom would be clean, the laundry done, and she'd have someone staying with her until she's back on her feet properly. So, remind me, what are the pressing engagements DH has to attend to this weekend..?
MIL made her choices. If they were in part, vaguely, somehow, based on groundless assumptions about her DIL's input, well. She should have consulted your opinion properly, shouldn't she.
Hugs Dorker. I can't imagine how frustrating and painful this is for you. If only you really didn't care.
But this is not about caring. This is about having the authority to take responsibility, and not for the want of offering you just don't have it.
MIL has stated repeatedly that she wants to die.
That she would rather die than live in a facility or with her daughter.
If she dies of dehydration, she gets what she wants.
MIL is perfectly capable of calling 911 herself. Or asking one of her kids to do so.
I've lived through a scenario something like this. MIL had ill-advised but necessary open heart surgery which deepened her dementia. She refused rehab and starved herself to death.
The doctors and psychiatrist called APS because my brothers in law refused to override her wishes. They wouldn't approve her being given an antidepressant.
She died. It wasn't pretty, but it was what she wanted. APS refused to intervene because she was still competent.
Let this go, Dorker. Not because you're selfish, or because of boundaries. But because it's what MIL, DIL and DH have the right to decide.
I was giving myself an early night but felt impelled to read one last 'post' from your corner.
We KNOW you are trying so hard to hang tough with those boundaries---but I think it may be time to forget about them and simply step in and manage it again.
MIL is WORSE. at her age, not being a lot better by now means "worse". Dh goes to check on her and she has not drunk much, if anything, hasn't had the sense or ability to think to eat some crackers or make broth. She's had more blowouts..she's probably covered in feces and vomit...and y'all think she's "doing a bit better?" She's dying right in front of you all!! Hard to believe, but ANYONE can die from dehydration. This is NOT the time to hold fast to your boundaries.
WTH?????????????? Wake up, family!!
I don't think a single person on here would fault you for calling 911 and meeting her at the hospital. NOW!! Minimally, they'll get her fluids corrected and stop the diarrhea. So she spends a few days in the hospital. You can say you did the right thing.
Screw SIL and her precious dog sitting job. She can haul her bum to FL and be a daughter. DO NOT let her run the show from afar, if she's not boots on the ground she does not get a say.
MIL will probably be too weak to pitch a fit when 911 shows, and as they ARE MANDATED reporters, the condition of herself & her home will duly be reported, and she likely can't go back until it's clean again. And NOBODY says you have to be the one to clean it. IN fact...be sure you are NOT.
If she's combative, the EMT'S can give her something to calm her. DO NOT let dh dither his way out of this.
Honestly, do you trust his intuition about his mother's health one iota? He's not shown a lot of compassion in the past.
I am not angry with you, I am just trying to say that you can be flexible and not ruin your whole "boundary" set up.
This, my friend, is an emergency. I would not be able to sleep tonight, knowing MIL is that sick and still trying to maneuver her dog and herself.
I asked if the Gatorade I'd bought yesterday was depleted and no .. there were still two bottles of it, and one half full. So she has at least .. drank some of it .. since yesterday.
I poured her one glass of it when I was there, and made her take a few sips. Have no idea if the rest of that glass got consumed or dumped. But she obviously went back and had a dash more at some point.
He said she does "seem bettter, somewhat". I asked, "what about the tears earlier?".
He said, .. "I think she's just frustrated .. she feels bad .. and at that point, had another episode that she was struggling through".
Asked him if he'd gone to take a look at her bathroom, .. and no . he didn't. I don't know why, forgot .. doesn't wanna .. I don't know, I didn't press it. I would've. .. and I have .. in the past .. numerous times. But I guess he didn't see to such, even though I asked him to do so, and he found it really repugnant to even hear such a thing.
(((Though giving credit where it's due .. he is the one who .. was summoned when she fell in her bedroom/bathroom area .. having rushed to the bathroom .. and didn't make it .. and there was chit from A to Izzard .. and her now in the floor and couldn't get up .. and behind her bedroom door which she locks nightly when she goes to bed)))). He's the one that was summoned to that scene, to remove the doorknob .. and so when he did so, accessing her bedroom to get to her .. and found there was chit scattered everywhere .. he's the one that cleaned it all up.
So .. he isn't "opposed" to doing so and has in the past.
I didn't bother asking him if he'd seen to maybe putting some clean sheets on the bed, or did he bring home her soiled clothes here to launder them (all things I've done in the past).
I asked him does he think he needs to stay behind tomorrow and not partake of the family water park/picnic .. and no . he feels like she'll be okay .. and that he has talked to church lady who will go by and visit briefly and check on her tomorrow.
He said again, that his sister is summoning that he spend the weekend there, .. this he gets from his mom .. who told him that his sister wants him staying there .. and we know already she asked him yesterday to do so.
I don't guess he feels it necessary to do that.
I don't know where/how it is that she can be in tears earlier today .. and sounding so meek/so weak and frail .. and yet here tonight .. he found .. she "seems somewhat better".
I dunno.
Not sure I trust that as valid info .. 'fake news' as they say, possibly. But .. boundaries/limits ...... on my participation. I'll have to take his word for it.
Until otherwise notified ....
Obviously Dorker has to take the lead because no one else will until they've been kicked in the *ss, but she should insist that DH go with her to assess the situation and help her every step of the way. So there's a family blowup: the last year has been a big slow motion blowup anyway. On top of helping her with MIL, DH needs to call his sister and tell her to get her *ss down there NOW for a family conference about what to do next. This is bigger than just a matter of getting MIL out of Florida before the next storm.
Where on earth are the ladies from the Stephen Ministry? I would have expected them to have called 911 or even APS by now.
And I don't forget poor Poochie, who depends on humans for everything, and is undoubtedly in distress. He didn't p**s on the bathroom floor to be difficult; MIL hadn't been able to take him out and the poor animal had to go. Any solution for MIL needs to involve a solution for Poochie, even if it's a matter of MIL going into assisted living and Poochie going to live with SIL.
Sorry, Dorker, I know how hard you've struggled to get your own life back; but I think you just have to struggle more to get DH and SIL to step up to the plate.
I hope DH will call 911. The only hangup there is she still has the right to refuse treatment to a degree (to what degree I don't know) since she is still considered mentally competent...still I think at this point that's the thing to do because surely first responders should easily be able to see that she is ill and in an unsafe living situation, and a major fall risk too.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I think I would have smoke coming out my ears too.
That service has been "suspended/temporarily" by SIL.
Why?
Well let's reflect back on the one gal that did come. She was of Russian descent .. language barrier there. And MIL called the service, explained the language difficulties and could she have someone else, and can you send .. whoever you send .. can it be the same person that comes on both Mon and Fri .. I don't want to have a different person for each day.
I don't know what kinda tailspin this must've thrown at the service that runs this organization (sounds like an easy enough problem to solve, but may be not so much .. what do I know). That was a couple of weeks ago.
Finally the guy from that service called last week, said they'd have someone out on this Monday (a few days back on Monday).
No-show.
No one called, no one came .. no phone call, nothing.
MIL called and they said they'd get back to her . no one has. MIL made SIL aware of this, .. she called and I guess .. decided that since her visit here is imminent .. she will tell them to temporarily suspend the service and so that was done ..
No one now coming on Mondays and Fridays ...
Afterall, SIL will be here in what .. 13 days ......... what good could they possibly do coming 2 x's weekly in that allotted time? (Dorker throws up her hands in disgust at all the dysfunction from every corner)
I bought that yesterday .. two big jugs of Gatorade .. saltines .. boullion .. chicken noodle soup .. all of the above .. was bought yesterday.
And I clue ya, she hasn't gone thru that since just yesterday. So directive on the above .. was that because SIL feels the need to have someone attend to her mother and so that's a good way to get it all there ... even though it was bought yesterday (but her mom .. so clueless .. and so cognitively impaired, .. I suppose . not even aware .. there are TWO .. not one .. not a single lone one, TWO big jugs of gatorade in her fridge .. and I told her so yesterday .. as well as list the items bought .. see above).
So is mother directing .. "I need ___________________ and _____________ and ___________ " ................ or is SIL from afar .. trying to grasp at straws of how can I get someone in attendance there, I know what I'll do, I'll list all that MIL needs.
This directive came to DH. Same directive came to him yesterday and it landed .. via him .. to me .. because he wasn't able to leave the other side of town to go secure said items to get them to her.
When he said this .. reading his sister's text, .. I responded, "Isn't that what you had me get yesterday .. I clue ya DH .. she hasn't gone thru all that I bought yesterday .. in one day .. ".
So, DH is there at present .. he may call and plead he needs to stay there to nurse her along. Fine by me. He may call and say she needs a trip to the ER . fine by me. He may call and say that she's fine .. he's on his way home.
Whatever ......
This isn't my mom and I did all this for so long I burned out badly .. and my pleas that she cannot manage (what you are seeing, hearing here .. this isn't new folks .. this is what occurs .. and we go about our lives .. as if it's all okay and life is sweet .. that's what we do). Except Dorker, who didn't for a long time, and would jump right in .. knee deep.
Until Dorker quit doing so. Didn't stop the crash and burn that goes on .. it's just now it crashes and burns .. with no one else stepping up.
Maybe DH will see to it .. and see it through .. I dunno.
It's all I can do to not have my head explode.
Believe me, it goes against everything that is ingrained in who I am, to go about life's frivolity .. and know .. there is someone I care about, desperately in need.
I am absolutely certain, were I to throw in the towel at this point on boundaries/limits and show up at her house, .. cleaning bucket in hand .. and begin with the sanitizing needed, and strip the linens from the bed and commence the laundry thereof .. and her soiled clothing .. and then be sure to stop and hold her hand .. and convince her to "there there dear .. now you must keep sipping, I know it is so very hard .. you don't want anything at all, but please .. you simply must" ... and go fix her something bland to nibble on .. and insist on hauling her in to be checked ... I am absolutely certain .. beyond any doubt .. were I to step up to that (and I've done it more than once in the past) .. she'd be just as compliant as she can possibly be to allow that to occur. Not a doubt in my mind.
Folks, I've done that, and done it .. and done it and done it .. all while SIL sits in IL doing whatever SIL wants to do (this is her mom remember) .. all while DH .. goes about life from the sidelines .. firmly indented bleachers where he's sat for the last umpteen years .. undisturbed by any of the above .. until .. I started ranting a while back .. and then it was just "yadda yadda yadda", in his ear .. nothing more.
No one in this sat up and took notice, that I have turned in my resignation to all the above. No one.
As of today .. I had no idea what the happenings were on that end, and let me say it again .. it goes against everything that I'm made of, to not know .. to not jump in .. when I know someone is desperately in need.
When I say that I am done running a mobile assisted living unit .. to all this .. I mean it.
DH has gone there again this evening, had already planned to, when his sister directed from afar .. "mother seems to be being more careful what she eats/drinks .. and I think she needs more Gatorade and some saltines and some soup .. some chicken noodle soup .. and she has called in a refill on one of her antibiotics in case this is her diverticulitis flaring up .. but she has no way to get to Walgreens to get it".
This text comes up on DH's phone .. he'd already planned to head that way. But got his marching orders from his sister.
I told him, .. "when you stop by Walgreens to get that rx .. remember they have her debit card on file, just remind them of that and they will charge that purchase to her debit card .. oh .. and you might wanna head on back to her bathroom, just to make sure there's not chit stuck on every surface in there".
The latter point met a resounding . "WHAT?!?!?!?!!??". As I casually then said "you don't honestly think she's capable of cleaning all that do you".
No further comment from the sideline sitter.
When he and DD's hubby came in from work, it sounded as though they aren't going to have to work tomorrow afterall, and so plans for the water park and picnic tomorrow. To which I said .. "well you DH .. you'll have to ascertain how your mom is when you go there later, you may be staying put to attend to her".
No comment from him .. (he will do so, and always has .. when times are accute .. sans his work schedule, but there I can't fault him .. he has sat bedside and coaxed her along, previously .. as have I).
He said he'd called her earlier today and she was crying .. that she felt so bad .. that she sounded so weak/frail .. that she'd had another bad episode .. one I guess she was then struggling with clean up, not sure .. I didn't ask for the dirty down details.
I only responded, "well if she's dehydrated .. and she may very well be .. then she'll need to go to the ER .. there they can get her some IV fluids .. and maybe even figure out what's going on with her, and give her the care she needs".
Once again, she has thrown a wrench into any family outing you might have planned for this weekend. All in the name of "staying in her home where she is happy and most comfortable."
Who can possibly be happy covered in feces?
I'm afraid there is only voice of wisdom in this mess, and she is being soundly ignored.
Just imaging this mess, literal and figuratively--makes me sick. Didn't DH SEE the mess? Doesn't SIL remember how bad it was last time?? Didn't DH react to the soiled undies, the rugs and floors, the incredible smell that MUST have accompanied 3 days of blowout diarrhea? Plus, you said she was "going from both ends" so she's vomiting also?
And did neither of them think that SOMEBODY has to clean that up? Could be her housekeepers will take one look and leave. Worse, call APS and report an elder in danger and you'd have that to deal with too.
She IS an elder in danger. Period. She can't navigate her surroundings, she can't feed herself or her dog, she can't get to the toilet on time, can't dress herself she's probably VERY much in need of a hot shower and fresh clothes from the skin out....and her family sits and says "Oh geez, I hate this for her"...and plan a water park party and tend dogs. (I'm NOT making light of your attempts to go on with normal life---what else can you do, with NO help?)
But, doggone it---DO SOMETHING.
Yes, MIL orchestrated the exact symphony she's now playing in, but it isn't going the way she wants. And it never will.
WHO will bravely step up and call time of death on this living arrangement?
I have been a strong proponent of you staying to your guns, Dorker, but I think there are contingencies in any situation.
If MIL Is still sick tonight, when you check in with her or SIL, just call 911 and meet them at the house. Ignore her plaintive cries about how she doesn't "want this". Above all, she seems to care a LOT about her sense of dignity, but a couple days in the hospital, being cleaned and fed and fussed will get her back to her ornery self. As far as the condition of the house--that's DH's problem, right down to the last poopy throw rug.
I'm losing patience with checked out family. (Not you, Dorker, for you I just have sadness and sorrow, b/c nobody is listening to you. Nobody. And that makes you feel small and unimportant. You've kept this woman in her home and happy for 15 years. With basically no help.
(Your situation hits so close to home. My grandmother left her call pendant on the vanity, got in a hot tub...and had a stroke. She came to enough to keep filling the tub with warm water, but when the EMT'S broke into her home--they found my 90 lb birdlike, dignified grandmother covered in vomit and feces and crying hysterically. She sat in there for 2 days. It was BEYOND horrible. Please don't do that to your MIL.)
But MiL created and orchestrated this situation. You can only control your own actions. And MIL thinks that being at her daughter's home is worse than her current situation.
Not much you can do but pray for grace and wisdom for them all.
I agree with most being said here.
The reason you find this so frustrating is because you LOVE MIL. I know you say you don’t care but you do.
You made her life better for a long time because you wanted to. You got burnt out and life was pulling you in a different direction, DD and you needed to go there.
Until the events of the last few days I was okay with MIL left to her own choices good or bad. But, this “mess” sounds out of control.
Why does it anger and frustrate you so? Because you love this woman and cared for her in an excellent manner for a loonnnggg time.
Right now, imho, this old gal is being neglected by her children. Her home sounds like a waste site. There are probably sheets that need to be washed and dried along with everything else. The laundry situation is probably completely out of control and can’t be caught up considering her wonky washing machine.
If these gals are still coming on Mondays and Fridays this may get reported to their supervisor.
Theres no way I think this is your responsibility! You should not be expected to rush in and be the rescuer in this.
Unfortunately SIL is in IL doing what she does (insert eye roll). That leaves DH.
If MIL is not better by now it really does sound like she needs medical care.
I really dont think MIL wants to make her exit to her cloud covered in poop.
Yep, what will DH do? How is he going to handle this?
As the three of them continue to circle the campground looking for the perfect spot to pitch the tent...
an old woman covered in diarrhea wearing ironed pajamas is still an old woman covered in diarrhea. It doesn’t make it any less deplorable.