I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I think of the other day when I walked in on convo with DH and "L" (church lady) and DH lamenting the MOW's that get thrown in the trash and not eaten. Most of them.
MOW's was put in place for precisely the reason .. her nutrition is lacking. She would find it suitable day after day, to eat a cracker and a handful of grapes as to any sustenance. And that's okay for a day or two .. elderly don't expend a lot of calories generally. But it's not okay as part of a regular diet. And it was her "regular diet", day in and day out.
I get it that MOW .. maybe aren't all that appetizing. I get it! I can't fix that, nor should I be expected to. I get it that it's lonely sitting in one's house, eating a MOW day after day after day .. and one sees her eat like a farm-hand if brought a home cooked meal .. from here. The socialization of having someone to visit with, while eating.
I get it!
I can't fix that either. But the powers that SHOULD be working to fix some of it .. won't do it.
You walk in and hear this ongoing convo between "L" and between DH .. and DH lamenting the fact she throws most of the MOW's in the trash untouched. "L" doesn't seem particularly alarmed at it. You just want to shake the snot out of him. What part of YOUR MOTHER DOES NOT ADEQUATELY CARE FOR HERSELF ................... and THIS IS PART OF IT .............. AND HAS BEEN .............. WHAT PART OF THAT DO YOU NOT COMPREHEND?!??!!?
Off to youtube to look up Camptown Races and practice it, while sticking fingers in ears.
She CLEARLY needs a higher and different level of care.
Better, more coordinated medical care, just for starts. A geriatrics doctor who can look at the big picture and get rid of all the running from pillar to post to put out the fires. Someone who can talk to MIL about what she is willing to do and what she ultimately wants the end game to look like.
A safer living environment, one with more supervision, help, regular socialization .
Supervision of her medication.
Assistance with safe toileting.
A more regular diet.
Medical supervision so that her doc is notified when something is amiss.
No one can MAKE her do any of this, least of all you. You, Dorker, understand what she needs, but you lack the standing to effect any change.
The only thing you can control is your behavior. Find a mantra. When MIL has a need, stick your fingers in your ears and whistle Camptown Races if that's what is takes.
Let SIL and DH have the chit land of THEIR plate for once.
It sounds like they have both been playing "hot potato" and "tag, you're it" with mom's care and what are we gonna do, etc. because neither of them really wants to take on the burden of taking care of, making decisions for, or risk displeasing their mom. And certainly neither really, truth be told, want to do 24/7 hands on care. And MIL doesn't make any of it easy either.
Regardless of all of that, though, and their reluctance thereof, you have done the right thing in saying, "I'm out." Hopefully because you rattled that cage, MIL will finally find herself getting on that plane soon, for a little while at least.
One can very clearly delineate how things got to where they are today.
In the end, it doesn't really matter. If I were made of different mettle maybe .. I'd be in the roads daily even still, hauling g'babies with me and willingly so .. and stay up at night to do what needs doing here as to the biz and the home .. all with a willing heart.
In the end, I am a DIL .. nothing more, nothing less. I don't "have to" step up to the plate.
They were, IMO .. very very blessed and fortunate to have had my help to the degree they did for so long. Seasons change ... this specific season of my life .. I don't wish to make myself nuts propping up with is an untenable situation in their mom .. all at the expense of what works for my daily existence and my heart's desire as to my time, and I don't owe anyone an explanation as to the why's and wherefore's.
The fact they refuse to step up and adequately address it, .. doesn't then make it incumbent upon me any longer to be the stopgap to filling that divide.
I don't expect any thank you's and "a'tta gal" kudos. That doesn't matter to me. What I do expect, and did .. and have been sorely disappointed in, . is the fact that the very person they leaned so heavily on . and that person who so willingly stepped to that front for so long .. and very diligently .. and thoughtfully .. that very person began to speak of "this isn't working" .. and it wasn't heeded.
Still isn't, not really.
I think that SIL .. she will be here week after next and work to then organize and pack her mom and haul her off for what will be a temporary stay in IL. It would not have happened .. AT ALL ................. had Dorker not been over here rattling the cage to the extent I have. It's been a wildly unpopular approach.
Honestly I don't know what it is that set in motion some demonstrative action that this finally will indeed (looks like it anyway) now come to pass .. and the cards will line up for what is a departure from here.
Yes, I rattled the cage and loudly and firmly .. and haven't let up .. and yes it's been wildly unpopular as any approach that anyone else thinks necessary. It's all at my feet .. every bit of it. MIL would stay put right there in her home, with a Cat 5 blowing the roof off her home.. and she'd be just fine, "She's FL born and raised remember, she's weathered these things all her life". But she wasn't always as compromised as she is presently.
So the other option is .. she has to be brought here .. her kids would never "sit" with her in her own home, no power, and Cat 5 winds blowing her windows in .. they wouldn't stand for that. She would HAVE TO BE BROUGHT HERE.
And we .. if faced with some catastrophic event (we've' been fortunate that we haven't had to face that) .. we'd be saddled with it all, right here, in the care of his elderly compromised mother, unable to travel and evacuate to parts not affected. And I have raised holy H3** over that prospect ... and so .. it is set .. at this point, there is to be a "temporary"' departure.
DH .. if you asked him today .. he'd be just fine with his mom sheltering here ....
SIL same.
Myself? NO!
Thus I made it abundantly clear, another storm blows up out there in the ocean taking aim in this direction, I'm out .. I won't be here.
Maybe it has to do with the fact they know the chief stepper and fetcher plans to head the h377 outta dodge .. and wont' be in attendance to it all.
Maybe it has to do w/the fact the last time MIL sheltered here, .. her words, "she was never treated so rudely in all her life" .. when she found in the chief stepper and fetcher .. mostly absence as to any presence here front and center.
I don't honestly know what caused this to be set in motion .. other than my rattling a cage loudly about it all. But my rattling cages hasn't made much of any difference .. so in the end .. I don't know that to be the case.
We'll see
The blowback at times, .. "WTH Dorker, .. you don't work outside the home anymore, .. I work my azz off and provide for this household .. the least you can do is help my mom out, .. I can't.. I'm working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
Well no .. not all the time you aren't .. no.
And so fights that would ensue.
Things rocking along .. in the months ahead .. me doing more and more as to the MIL front .. being routinely upended with any plans I might make, dependent upon MIL need. MIL need varying from anything from illness to .. the fact she is essentially .. (by her own choosing) a shut in .. and no socialization .. and so me on that front a LOT .. and sometimes at a moment's notice depending on whatever the situation was.
Oh SIL would waltz in from IL periodically about every 3 or 4 months and stay for two/three weeks at the time, and literally stand on her head .. doing any number of things .. some useful, some not so much .. and then be gone again.
It was about xmas 2016 when DD announced another pregnancy ..
In those beginning days .. she was very ill .. and so I was trying to, when I could, take the g'daughter off her hands .. and help out.
In the next few months it was determined it was twins on board .. and so .. the obvious at that point .. most folks don't get thru a multiples pregnancy unscathed .. generally there are problems that develop ..and bed rest ordered .. and so it began to be evident to me that I would be needed more and more on that front .. and more than willingly so.
True to form, DD did begin to develop some problems and was put on rest .. not hospitalized and confined, but ordered to stop work, stay off her feet and rest.
That put me on the front, a LOT in the care of their only daughter at that point, and helping DD to maintain her own household, as best I could.
It was then that I began to really get louder that this isn't working any longer, as I met myself coming and going .. DH involved in his church busyness .. all the time .. and SIL .. with her directing from afar as to all the need on this end. I began to be louder and louder in those days .. this isn't working.
In the hopes that it would be noted and acted upon.
It wasn't.
MIL with her ever-present refrain of, "I know what I need to do and I'll do it, now I will manage, don't any of you worry with me" .... all while SIL would direct from afar as to the latest need, (and I can list em even still .. OMG the list would never end, .. I could've been in the roads daily meeting it all, and hauling the g'daughter with me) .. and her bolstering MIL's mantra with her, "I know she's so stubborn I don't know what we're gonna do with her", all the while I'm meeting myself coming and going, trying to help DD and g'daughter and knowing twins are on the way .. and no one listening to me.
The refrain of "she will manage, she knows what she needs to do" the ever present mantra for far too long, but that one seems to have been put on a shelf .. and no one seems to throw that one around anymore.
But it evolved from that to .. "Well she doesn't wanna leave her home .. we can't tie her up and make her", .................... all the while me still running from pillar to post .. and now more and more resenting what it takes to prop it all up. I'd gone from being very vested and sympathetic to it all, to now resenting it all.
Evolved from there to .. "we can't bring her here in the dead of winter .. afterall .. I mean .. surely everyone understands that" (no .. not everyone does, me being one of them!). So it was to be April .. but then .. of course, April came and went and saw the excuse of .. "she has a team now", .. it was then to be August .. she'd be hauled out of here .. surrounding what is the danger of hurricane season .. in August.
Well I guess, August is upon us .. and she will be .. here in a week or so .. her daughter here to take her, against much protest.
Her to be discharged from the hospital and someone needing to be with her, .. but no one to do so. I'd already run afoul of my supervisors at my job, for having missed two days while she was confined to the hospital .. and threatened with write-up. I'm not a person who was an attendance issue and/or any other issue for them, so it was very disconcerting to me, to have found myself now in the real possibility of disciplinary action at my job as a result of all this.
Not an option for me to miss more work to attend to her. Not an option that DH put off his projects/contractors/customers, etc., to do so. SIL out of the country traveling. No one to attend to her, she had to be left on her own, .. sans when I was off on my Wed and Thurs.
In those days my sentiment was a very different one than I experience these days. I was very sad for her, .. very concerned, .. and wanting to help her, in any sense I could, though also very frustrated to have found she'd undone all the work that had been done in the previous months to come to the dx of A-Fib and meds rx'd .. that she quit taking, just .. because.
DH . .. very much not on the front with it all, he was either working and/or attending to his church duties ..
It was kinda, more or less on me.
And I can remember then, beginning to hark some on it .. and the blowback .. I think .. began to escalate some in those days.
I was an easy target.
Not so much SIL .. I think she knew better all along, to be grateful for the fact there is a DIL here in town that is so very diligent and on the spot taking care of things ..
DH .. not so much. I made an easy target ... for his frustration at the fact his mother was aging .. and not so compliant with her own care .. causing fall out that needed attending to. My beginning to harp on anything .. generally fell, mostly on deaf ears (still does to this day) .... but if anything, some blowback ..
And remember, in those days my motivation was more of, "your poor mom .. she needs more help ... poor old soul".
Very much so that was my sentiment, and wanting to, very vested in, in those days .. that she, the poor pitiful soul .. get the help and attention she so richly deserves. But it seemed I was the only one on that page .. yet .. I was also working hours and a job I hated .. and then devoting hours away from that job in the above endeavor .. and not getting to spend those hours in the pursuit of things that make my heart smile.
There were other illnesses and mis-steps along the way in the ensuing months and so forth ..
And ultimately I left that job .. to now stay home, and do DH's biz (which I'd done in previous years solely .. but had taken a job outside the home once the kids were essentially grown). I left that job in the summer of 2015.
All the while I'd been attending to MIL and her affairs on my days off.
I think it was thought .. maybe but not said .. "good now Dorker .. she can .. 1) quit bitching about the job she hates, but .. 2) she can now have time to attend to the biz .. and not bitch about that .. but also .....3) maybe attend to MIL and not be so crazed with what all she has to do with her time.
And that was true, to an extent.
Things rocked along .. with me being on the MIL front .. but now more able to manage my own time as to my other wants for what to do with my time .. and my responsibilities ..
Me, .. at times (perception there, bitching/nagging) raising the refrain that was increasing now, as to MIL's needs and my time being spent in that endeavor more and more.
It was fast becoming a situation where I might plan out my day to go meet with the ladies at church for something and get upended by a MIL need. I might plan out my day to go spend time with my g'daughter, and that get upended by MIL need, routinely. And so the ever increasing in volume refrain of "folks, she needs more care". Perceived as Bitching and nagging, deaf ears.
He and the few others that actually step forward and volunteer to do much of anything.
In those days I was very much invested in MIL's well being and .. actually "helping" .. what is my husband and standing in his stead on that front, and further, his sister, who I, at one time, (I don't any longer) believed to be someone who would be here, all the time, . .and do and do and do .. to the ends of the earth .. but she simply couldn't be, the poor soul .. and so in that interest .. I was more than willingly on the front lines of it all, and mired knee deep, H3!! for that matter neck deep.
But remember, .. my days off in those days were Wed and Thurs.
I was finding more and more and more, .. I couldn't even successfully complete my assignments as to my work here with our biz we own .. and my household chores .. much less spend any quality time with what was my only infant at that point, g'daughter. And then it was BOOM time to be back at the job I loathed.
I'd be on the front hauling MIL somewhere for some magic potion or procedure .. and willingly so, so very bought into it all. And many nights .. I'd sit up til the wee hours to do what needed to be done on this front .. with the biz .. because the job had me out of this household for 12 hours daily and the only time I did have off, was now more and more spoken for on the MIL front.
MIL was hospitalized, .. I remember very clearly at this point, a light bulb of some pretty bad frustration having been lit. MIL hospitalized, at that point, it had been what she described as *fading away* .. she'd just feel as though if she didn't cough, clear her throat .. etc .. she'd just *fade on away* and be no longer among the living/breathing.
She was ultimately hospitalized with that. And me on the front, attending, as if I was her only offspring .. there at the hospital .. as to tests/procedures, etc etc etc.
The dx was ultimately A-Fib.
Turns out .. she'd quit taking her meds for her A-Fib ...........
The very thing I'd been on the front working thru outpatient and testing, to have as a dx for her .. in the several months previous as I found myself running from pillar to post in MIL need.
SIL, .. during the time of this hospitalization was traveling abroad .. to see her royal son.
Any hope she'd swoop in with her superwoman cape and take the reigns here, not in the cards .. at that point.
I remember, very clearly, the frustration I felt at that point. Here I was working a job that I absolutely detested .. and that frustration alone enough to make one pull their hair out .. long hours ..and the only time I had off from work, wasn't generally being spent .. not in any quantitative sense .. doing what I want with "my" time. And now MIL hospitalized, simply because she "quit" taking the meds that we'd worked to get a dx on ..
DH in those days .. never on the front as to doc appts (still is the case) .. and spoken for during work days .. but hours after work, .. very much so on the church front .. and working that angle.
Me attending to her in the hospital .. and helping to navigate the goings on .. and missing work... only to have some supervisors that were very unkind (not surprising though, that's how the workplace was there) about my absence. And now MIL to be discharged from the hospital and more doc follow ups and med management, etc .. and PT .. and so forth. So now, I was called to the front .. on that issue .. as if I hadn't already been more on that front than was pleasing to me, in the several months prior .. wanting instead to be spending time recharging my batteries from a job I hated .. and not in service to others and their problems, particularly problems that have already been identified and addressed, and her failure to meet that problem at the crossroad and take the meds appropriately now making more work for me.
MIL to be discharged from the hospital .. and really .. someone needing to be
In my case, .. one can examine it all, and it all begins to make perfect sense, as to the convergence of numerous storms that brought me to where I am today in it all.
Late August of 2013 .. our first (and only at that time) g'daughter was born. We both, DH and myself .. fell head over heels for that precious little girl. Wanted to be, to the extent we're able to, and wanted ... hands on, g'parents. They live local and so that was something that was suitable to the parents .. and so began that little love affair that continues to this day .. but has expanded at this point to her two younger siblings, the 1 yo twins.
At that time, I was working a job separate from the biz we own. My days off were Wed and Thurs of each week, and Sundays. Sundays were always spent, or at least the better part of the day .. church .. and then family in the afternoons.
That left Wed and Thurs .. me being off from that job. It was a job I loathed anyway, a horrible sweat shop place to work (A Major P&C Insurer in this country).
I was finding, in those days, more than I would've liked ... because .. where my heart was .. was with my g'daughter and wanting to spend time with her, as best I could .. but more and more, .. my time was spent on those days off from my separate job .. it was .. doing the work I do presently .. but at my own pace more so, in the biz we own. But also, .. more and more, stepping up to the plate as to MIL's well being and care. In the end, limiting what capability I had to be the g'ma I want to be.
At about that same time, or a little after .. our church, which we dearly love, began to disintegrate in it's rolls/membership. Long story short, the much beloved pastor stepped down . in a personality conflict with other office personnel .. and from there started a new church less than two miles away .. and a lot of the congregation left .. for the new church. That left .. basically a skeleton of what was formerly our rolls there.
A lot of times when there is a church division .. some leave . just out of shear, "I don't wanna be a part of all this anymore, .. and I sure don't wanna be a part of having to be the glue it'll take to hold it together".
I probably would've been part of that latter sect myself. Not so for DH.
Any church, I don't care if it's 10K members or 100 members, .. there are the "do-ers" and there are the pew sitters. DH very much a part of the former sect. One of the too few "do-ers".
All of this began about the beginning of 2014. And DH called to the front as one of the major "do-ers" there, too few of them. And so began his work, .. in holding a disintegrating church together .. many committees, many responsibilities had him away and prioritizing (IMO) improperly. Causing much consternation here in our household.
At the same time, his mom's health also beginning to go further downhill, see above .. a lot of times, my days off from work, would be spent in persuit of the next magic pill/potion/treatment, .. etc etc., at SIL's direction from afar. And all the while, DH .. while he owns his own biz and that does indeed take a LOT of his time/energy. And while one might think, "oh that's the best of all worlds, one can call their own shots as to their time and how they spend it", it's really .. in the end, anything but that. One is responsible to the tax man, to the supply houses .. to the customer, to the contractor .. etc etc etc. And so one isn't, in the end, free to call their own shots as to their workday, as much as it would seem that way.
So a lot of his time was spoken for .. in that endeavor (and still is) .. and then what time was left .. he spent an exorbitant amount of that, in pursuit of holding a disintegrating church together, he and the few others that
The long awaited 16th is close, Darn, I can read a calendar, but thought the 16th was this week--well 10 more days for nothing or something to happen.
If YOU don't clean her house..(and oh, please, DON'T)..will she have had her regular service before then? Even still, back in my housecleaning college days, there were some homes we's just go "oh no, uh-uh, too gross" and not clean.
So much stuff needs to be thrown out. I can only fathom the smell by now, in the FL heat. Give that stew a week and you'll have neighbors calling. Even tho she has A/C, it's not cold enough in there to stop the stew from "simmering".
You have not said how MIL is, so I assume she is slowly recouping. Did the church woman call? (Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for THAT). Is MIL going anywhere this week? She's gonna want her hair done and her poochy treats and without question her house cleaned...and you have about 4 hours to accomplish all that, on Thursday.
That old fence y'all have been busy propping up and painting finally fell completely over and the pieces picked up scavengers. There IS no fence now, just a faint hint of where one (MIL'S old life) used to be.
It's SAD, but it's not the end of the world.
SIL has her head so far up her rear end she literally cannot see things the way they are--DH is frustrated and angry. (Anger, by the way, is a man's first response to any situation they cannot immediately "fix"..and they aren't really angry, they're depressed, sad, frustrated-etc. Anger is the manly emotion they can and will express first.) Neither want to take the reins. Neither has POA. MIL has made sure they are at her beck and call by refusing to name either of them--showing her true colors that she doesn't trust anybody.
IF she cannot facilitate a "team" effort, SIL will arrive next week, see MIL in ratty pj's, see the house as the mess it likely is, see that MIL looks awful and feels awful and MAYBE she'll get a little "ding" of acceptance. Maybe.
At any rate, we are all praying (literally!!) for SIL to swoop in, clean the house, get MIL sorted out and get OUT of FL for a while. I honestly do not care how MIL feels about this turn of events--her life being upset and all. She is blessed with family who, is spite of her nastiness and narcissism, have stayed the course.
Hopefully SIL will SEE the joke that her "team" was. Doubtful, and far more likely that she'll haul MIL off and keep her not one DAY past the appointed return by-date and feel she has done her part. {sigh}
Just a parting thought: DH and I did our trust/will this year. In Utah, where we live, if all 5 of our children can agree that we are not of sound mind, our POA's kick in. I'm sure it's not easy to facilitate, but it's the LAW. Asked our lawyer if he had handled many of those and yes, he had. Now, my 5 kids DO NOT want to take care of our lives and decisions. This is an unlikely situation, esp with large families. But where you have only 2 (estranged brother not being a part of this as he has left the family and has no say)...there's a better than average change this could be done. Not saying you should, or anything. Just wondering if that same law is in FL. MIL would hate you, but your DH and SIL would finally have some actual say in her messy life.
We did this with mother--vote was 4-1 that she was "incompetent" to handle daily life skills. The one hold out was the YB she lives with who basically runs her life anyway. The OB who IS POA was glad--he doesn't want this job.
Dorker--you deserve a nice vacay in the best Volvo dealership you can find. I LOVED that analogy. You're not just out of gas, you need oil, need tires, new sparks, new battery---oh, it's going to take TIME.
The analogy came to me the other day in the shower - where I do my best think for some reason.
I thought “poor Dorker! She’s like a car that’s been run dry by someone too clueless to add oil”. The “check engine” light is Dorker trying to get DH and SIL to pay attention and DO SOMETHING.
But please, tweak and customize as needed. Stay strong - my experience has been that they will even resort to outright lies to get the compromised elderly person out of their hair and back into yours.
Good luck today!!!
Which brings me to Barbs suggestion regarding a redirection mantra - to avoid letting worries about MIL permeate every waking moment - or at least what must feeling like every moment during episodes such as the recent one.
It does work! I have a horrible time perseverating on things. Be it a situation or a line from a movie - once I get it in my head it goes on a loop and repeats over and over and over (shades of dementia? shades of autism? Who knows)..
Anyhoo - to stop the dwelling I will say to myself “I will not think of xyz anymore today”. Sometimes it takes saying it a few times but it almost always does the trick. I was skeptical at first - that it would work, but it does. I suspose it’s a training of the mind. Similar to the technique of wearing a rubberband around your wrist and snapping it when an undesirable behavior or thought rears its unwanted head.
I realize the challege is that MILS
chit keeps popping up throughout the day and night via text, phone or relative but it’s worrh a try, don’t you think?
Go all Scarlet O’Hara and chant “I will not think about it today. I will think about it tomorrow. After all tomorrow is another day!”
A few under your breath “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” ala Rhett would probably make you feel better as well.
"Can it wait til Thursday?" springs to mind.
" Sorry, you'll have to call Dh/SIL about that".
Don't let the "worry" get to your brain. Develop an automatic response that comes from muscle memory.
Don't engage. Don't fuss. Force this back on to their plates, where it belongs.
Therapist also suggested ... as to finding better coping skills for myself, .. allow myself to think of this and as if a worry stone .. worry over it at whatever time a day I allot myself, .. maybe that's 5:30 in the morning when I get up, .. or maybe it's at lunch time, whatever works for me, .. allot myself 30 mins, 45 mins ... whatever and worry with it, write it down/journal, whatever .. in that allotted time. Outside of that cast aside any concern/worry as the day wanes on.
I have tried that, in earnest. I think the above scenario would perhaps be more useful if per se, this was a situation where one ruminates over wrong doing .. i.e., that boss didn't give me that promotion and I'm so mad I can't see straight.
This particular scenario is an ongoing saga that doesn't just occur at lunch time, or at 5:30 in the morning .. where one can successfully worry with it .. and then set it on a shelf to deal with another day ...
The worries and frustrations of it all, they crop up and out of the blue at any given moment .. during any given day .. sometimes numerous times a day.
The broken down car analogy is a good one. That service engine light is still on, only the car doesn't even fire up anymore, to leave the garage where it was parked.
I suspect this is gonna get a whole lot more sticky before it gets any better, if ever.
SIL will cart MIL off to IL .... there .... MIL will begin in earnest with the tears and the woe with me, .. and I don't want to be here .. and she will make her snide remarks .. about SIL's husband ... and so forth.
In the end, it will be a scenario that SIL cannot house her. Now, normal rational adults would then come to the conclusion that's not an option, .. nor is staying home .. that doesn't work either ... so .. they'd begin looking at how to navigate the path to a Medicaid setting of an AL .. or otherwise.
Not these "normal/rational adults". They are anything but.
I won't borrow trouble as my granny would've put it. And I will just go along here, .. and wait to see what happens. But I suspect MIL will make the setting at her daughter's one she cannot abide by .. and she will be deposited back in FL with a "team MIL" will be stepping up.
And more of the same will be the order of the day.
I do realize that .. it may be .. that she does end up living in her own home, by her choice, .. inability to attend to herself .. at all .. and the messiness of feces and dog feces and all the other perils that await this whole thing.
If it gets that bad .. then yes, APS may become part of the scenario to force the hands of those that should be at that precept.
So be it.
But it's what happens between here and there .... of course.
And it's the confounding, never-ending, hair pulling out, frustration of watching these inept individuals .. and their heads up their azzes and the rickety broken rails this all wobbles and teeters on .. all along the way.
I am stealing your whole car analogy and telling it to the hospital social worker later today! My dementia Mom fell. Nothing broke but I called E.M.S. After years of taking care of her,( I have learned on here), this is my chance. They are talking memory care. I feel horribly sick at heart. I think that is a FINE analogy! Dorker, have peaceful day.
It will take SIL getting fed up with her mom's nonsense (like the third or tenth remark she makes about BIL) or a maybe a new doc in Illinois suggesting hospice care, to bring on some real problem solving.
There is nothing Dorker can do here but wait. I think her lack of nagging DH and her non-replies to SIL are having an effect...MAKING DH and SIL communicate.
10 more days until SIL comes, and then you are totally OFF THE HOOK! Although she and MIL won't depart for IL until Aug 23, you won't be expected to do anything during that week, as Superdaughter SIL will do it all for MIL, correct?
She might try to get H to attend to fixit things, but that's not your concern.
Curious...we don't hear much about H's churching and hunting nowadays. I suppose it's not hunting season now, but what about all the church meetings? Is he still overdoing it with those?
I mean - I’m so irrevocably eff’d up from my own boundary-less days of stepping and fetching - that advising Dorker- and I mean specifically Dorker and her specific situation is the last thing I’d do.
I think of Dorker like a car (bear with the analogy here).
Dorker is a very good car. A later model but still something sturdy and sensible, like maybe - a Volvo. For years Dorker ran like a top and MIL got everywhere she needed to be - literally and figuratively. But with all the mileage accrued, Dorker started to show a little wear and was in need of a tune-up. NOBODY gave Dorker a tune-up. So what happens? The “check engine” light goes on - still no one sees it and Dorker keeps driving until she breaks down. Now - Dorkers been pulled off the road and is sitting in the garage. And here’s the point - Dorker has been in the garage but no one has done a thing to fix what broke her down in the first place. AND - merely garaging Dorker doesn’t mean she’s able to get back on the road. THE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT IS STILL ON!
What I was trying to express in my
previous post was that SIL and DH are unlikely to ever buy a vowel and solve the puzzle. I believe they are incapable of seeing clearly when it comes to their mother and her needs. Sil, imho - is using the dog sitting as an excuse. Although, I’m not sure she’s even aware of it. Had MO asked her mom to come over and watch her grass grow for her - sil would have gone and then trotted out that reason as to why she can’t yet come get her mother. Then there’s dh- walking around with his selective hearing, selective vision and selective sense of smell - refusing to even go to look at the possible condition of the bathroom. God forbid he finds it spewed with chit. And it’s not that he’d have to clean it up. No. It’s that he’d have to face the fact that his mothers situation is beyond out of control. That he’d actually have to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Neither one of them are capable of calling it and
pulling the trigger.
Which brings me to my final remarks which addressed the freakin’ ironed pajamas- exemplifying the complete insanity of the warped decision making that occurs among those three individuals. It’s truly and utterly mind-boggling.
As Barb said - no, death isnt pretty. I’m sure the peaceful passing in ones sleep, painlessly - isn’t how the
majority of old-age deaths go down. However, it doesn’t have to be the filthy, degrading, neglected occurrence thats this little preview of
coming attractions indicated.
I don't think that there would even be any "temporary" plan to cart her outta here, at all, .. without the fact that Dorker here has made so much noise ..
That is at my feet .. solely. Dorker doesn't want her here in FL during hurricane season . she's too compromised to weather such events .. and has to be extricated and brought here to our home, where Dorker then becomes chief stepper/fetcher for all things MIL and poochy. Dorker has raised enough of an "unpopular" ruckus .. that is now to transpire (if it ever does) within a week or so from now, .. that MIL will be carted safely off to IL where hurricane peril isn't an issue. To return .. sometime after that.
Were I not to have raised even that ruckus there would be no transport outta here, temporary or otherwise. And believe me it has been VERY UNPOPULAR.
For a long long time ... and maybe even to this day .. I don't even think SIL has a real accurate picture of just how compromised her mother is ...
BECAUSE she comes here .. when she comes and she literally walks every step her mother would do in her absence, and does it for her. Be that making a glass of tea .. be that feeding the dog, letting the dog in and out .. washing the dog ... you name it. Everything but breathe for her mother and if she could figure out how to do that, she'd do that too.
Hands her mom the pills she's to take when she's here in attendance, and hounds her relentlessly to take them. Pills that .. sans SIL's presence here in town, don't get taken .. no one there to force the issue. Hands poochy his pills .. and forces that issue .. otherwise they don't get seen to, no one here to do it.
Hauls dog to the vet/groomer, bathing .. otherwise . it doesn't get done .. MIL not able, oh but SIL can direct from afar .. when she isn't here, .. as to who/how/where that gets done.
I think DH is finally .............. F-I-N-A-L-L-Y ......... seeing the bigger picture .. that his mom shouldn't be living there alone .. too compromised. But .. he has yet to take the ball and run with it, and make any demonstrative noise to that point .. with anyone ..
I don't know that he ever will.
There was a time that I was more mired in all this and more of a voice in it than I am these days. I would urge SIL repeatedly .. "sit down .. let your mother go get her own glass of water and let the dog in and out .. and take her pills without your repeated reminders, SIT down and watch what goes on .. because that is what goes on when you aren't here".
The response would always be: "But that's why I'm here, I want to help her".
Sometimes your help can also be in the form of seeing what it is they are capable of or not ..
I don't argue that point any longer, . but I truly believe SIL doesn't even have a clear picture of how compromised her mom really is, when she isn't here to care for her .. and no one is here to care for her. Oh but she can sure make all kinds of noise as to what should happen from afar .. as to who does what/when/where/how.
This latest scene .. their mom having been so sick (and no I don't know what the present state of affairs are) .. the show if you were to watch it on tv .. you'd see her living this, ill equipped to deal with it ... too weak/old/frail.
This time, Dorker .. who used to be in it all knee deep. Not there to pick up the pieces of it all, and try to prop it all up and run from pillar to post. Nor was Dorker in it all, directing traffic on this end with a bullwhip at DH .. as to what he should/shouldn't do.
Dorker stuck to her Thursdays session and nothing more. And by all outward appearances .. Dorker doesn't give a chit .. it can all go to hell in a handbag as far as Dorker is concerned, she's out.
That isn't accurate. That's what it would appear. Dorker does care .. but Dorker aint propping it up no more!
That's what this whole 15 months or so has been about:
A) Learning to set some boundaries/limits. Mostly I'm getting there.
B) Figuring how not to give a chit. Not there.
SIL doesn't arrive until the 16th. Someone here had mentioned later this week. No, it's not this week.
The jig at that point is to be that MIL will get on the plane and go with her daughter, to where her daughter lives, .. for a "temporary" stay. And yes, it's supposed to be "temporary".
What happens beyond this "temporary" setting? SIL have some magic potion brewing up in IL she's gonna dip her mom in, and youth/vitality will be restored for her to be deposited back in FL fit as a fiddle? Nope.
Dorker here, .. is struggling with .. but won't go there ... "why can't you people sit down and make a damn plan?". Why is it okay with all of ya .. if she lives in her own feces and her dog ... the same ... why is that okay? Among other perils.
Dorker here, .. still struggles with how it is that SIL .. can mandate from afar .. as to directing traffic here in FL .. as to her mom's well being .. all while choosing to stay home and dog sit rather than come retrieve her mom, i.e. .. "wanting DH to spend his weekend there, looking after MIL". She didn't succeed in that want and I'm not here to say whether that was right or wrong on DH's part. What I am here to say is wrong is we've known .. for a long long time, this woman is compromised and damn well unable to adequately care for herself. You two, DH and SIL both choose to allow that she stay in that setting .. her wishes .. so then .. when the water hits the wheel and she gets sick ... then .. all of a sudden, at least on SIL's part, it's a damn fire drill to get all hands on deck.
Some have pointed out, "what would you have them do Dorker?. ,they can't tie her up and drag her outta her house and tie her up in a safe and secure bubble against her will .. she doesn't wanna go anywhere, what would you have them do?".
HAVE A CONVERSATION that looks something like, "Well this doesn't work .. that's obvious to even the house cat down the street that meanders around .. so what next ... we can't keep doing this .. so do what ...???......what should we do?, .. we can't continue to allow this .. it's not safe .. so what next?".
Have a CONVERSATION like adults do to solve problems. HAVE A CONVERSATION!!!!!!!!!!!
And both of you pull your heads out of your proverbial backsides .. and then approach the mother with a plan ... and yes there will be tears and pleas and so forth .. but ... if she knows that she can no longer safely live there and it isn't supported at all, by those she depends on .. she's gonna have to at that point, .. make some tough choices ..
But no, the status quo is what seems to work .. until ... things fall off the rickety/rusty/broken rails they're on anyway ......... and then it's all hands on deck .. let's prop all this up ... all while I sit in IL and dog frickin sit. Or ... let's leave status quo .. because I mean afterall there is a "team" now. Yea, b'chit .. there is no team, never has been. Or, .. let's leave status quo .. because I mean afterall we can't bring her to IL in the winter .. ya know, she jogs 6 miles daily .. the weather would impede that. Yea, b'chit .. she doesn't go outside here .. ever .. unless accompanied by someone to take her to the doc .. outside is somewhere she doesn't partake of .. she's housebound for crying out loud! Or, .. no .. let's leave status quo, .. "she'll manage, she'll be okay .. she knows what she needs to do to take care of herself, oh and she's just so stubborn I dunno what we'll do with her".
Status quo .. and how not to give a chit anymore. I'm not there.
I think Dorker has it right in this situation if the 2 children see fit to leave this SICK, fragile, weak woman "happily" in her home then she can only control herself. I know Dorker it's obviously hard to see her need & know that one day dedicated to getting her propped up would help but that's the problem it would only help not solve the problem. Like an alcoholic this family is going to need to hit rock bottom before they stick their collective heads out of their A%#. Dorker enabled them for years & now still with her 1 day a week its like they're only weekend drinking. Glad for your sanity you pulled away & maybe after this bout they hit that rock bottom & MIL gets a better situation.
Let her children worry about their mom's care. You are well out of it.
She was hospitalized about this time a year ago. When I was relatively new at learning to back the H377 outta all this. Loosing my mind at that time ...helping DD with new babies ... called to the front with hospitalized MIL (UTI dx) and discharge planning .. I let them know SIL's arrival here imminent. She was sent home, SIL arrived within a day or two.
Next hospitalization was xmas 2017, a fall.
SIL happened to be in town for xmas.
No broken bones or other evident injury and she was discharged to go home, SIL in attendance. Sent home via ambulance ...unable to ambulate. But .. no broken bones ... I guess meant..no reason to keep her.
Doc advised she needs more secure living arrangements. SIL and DH both aware that was stated.
SIL stayed, helped her mom convalesce and left for IL.
Status quo order of the day.
I have repeatedly urged both SIL and DH to come to the table to form a comprehensive plan.
To no avail.
What seems to happen is that the situation is never as bad as anyone seems to think. When MIL got sent to the hospital with a fall, they wouldn't admit her, said their hands were tied. When she was admitted with a UTI, MIL's protests, Dorker's telling them that SIL was arriving soon allowed a discharge to happen. Some staff were concerned, but not enough so that they followed up.
No one in any of these institutions seems overly concerned about MIL living alone. Her own children wring their hands, but cannot effect any change.
Dorker has neither the standing nor the obligation to force care upon MIL. She needs to let this go.
While several of us were 'frantically' begging you to step in and start cleaning up, you looked at the situation, saw it for what it was and said "Nope, not going there". At first I couldn't believe this was the same Dorker of 15 months ago----but I see how much you have grown-and I'm super proud of you. (And I was one of the people begging you to call 911!)
Barb hit it on the nail when she said "death isn't pretty or fun"--and even as I thought that over (sorry Barb, I'm too lazy to find the actual post)--I realized that this is exactly how many people DO meet their fluffy cloud.
While it was probably not MIL's decision to get sick (or was it? we'll never know, popcorn is not hard to come by!) her inability to handle the sickness was tragic and telling: she simply cannot live alone with any measure of dignity whatsoever. And certainly not in any kind of safety. She wasn't so sick she couldn't have taken care of it, sounds like a flareup of diverticulitis is miserable, but treatable. She can no longer manage nor treat it.
In my mind I "see" and "smell" her house. If nobody cleans it by Thursday--well, you do what you think best. I would job this out, personally and let MIL foot the bill. Enteroviruses will shed for up to 2 weeks....so the "chit" on the walls and doorknobs and toilet can still be "active". It wouldn't probably make YOU sick, but the babies---ugh. Their tender tummies. Minimally, sanitize the doorknobs and toilet handle!! For YOUR safety.
I feel that throwing away anything that was contaminated should be tossed and new sheets bought and all rugs should be tossed. (She shouldn't have a single throw rug ANYWHERE in her house, they are such tripping hazards!) Those undies will be a delightful stew by Thursday...sorry, I've gone through this with my own mom and it's so gross.
At any rate--do what you feel you can, but I think DH got the message loud and clear, you went out and had a life for a day, despite all the drama going on. HE was in the hotseat. And after the church lady comes, he may be worse off--she might call APS (doubtful) but she IS going to be horrified by the conditions in the house. His status as "loving devoted son" may be downgraded to "all talk, no action".
SIL will be here soon. If the house isn't cleaned by the time she gets here, what, Thursday? She's going to have a complete comeapart. I'd pay money to see that.
In fact, besides sanitizing what you HAVE to touch, don't do ANYTHING. LET SIL see what a great team MIL has working for her. And how well she's managing. (Come to think of it, do you even have to be there Thursday if SIL is coming?)
Well--proud of you. You've come a long, long ways. I hope that MIL actually gets on that plane to IL. Until she's landed there, I wouldn't have high expectations, but I so hope she goes.
And then you can BREATHE.
And another interesting side note .. I was present when DH was talking with church lady ..
Church Lady "L" has also been on the page that MIL needs to go visit her daughter in IL. She, approaching it all with a very positive spin of .. "go spend time with your daughter .. she might need you .. you think it's all about that you need .. maybe she needs ............... maybe you can help her in that way".
That's been kinda her approach .. as she goes and visits MIL.
I was present when DH was talking to "L" about all this and he asked her point blank, "so what are you finding in your talks with mother, when you go visit .. is she hesitant to make this move to go stay with sister?, are you finding that she is really dreading it, what does she share with you".
The response: "No, she seems to realize this is what needs to occur and she's ready .. she seems very hung up on the fact your brother is estranged and that seems to malinger in our talks .. and she talks a lot about that ... and how heartbreaking it is .. but no .. she seems to realize that this will need to occur".
I hear DH tell "L": "Well, .. that's interesting "L", because what I hear .. what my sister hears .. what our daughters hear .. is a refrain from mother that she just wants to go ahead and die, rather than have to do this .. if she could just go on to her great reward and not have to do this .. that she just wants to die. Of course, that isn't pleasant to hear, in fact, pretty disturbing .. I don't want her to feel that way".
L's response: "No, .. oh my .. I'm shocked she would talk that way .. that's not at all what she tells me! No .. it's more of a recognition on her part, this does need to happen and she will see it through .. and like I said, she does seem to belabor the whole thing with your brother and grappling with trying to understand what has happened there, that he's so absent from the entire family .. she even told me she writes him still, to this day .. as recent as a week or so ago .. and he never answers .. that seems to be more on her mind .. at least when we talk, than anything else".
So there ya have it.
I dunno .. maybe some would chalk it up to .. "that she's more comfortable with the folks she expresses *I'd just rather die* .. thus that kinda dialogue goes on".
I don't.
I think she is .. in this instance .. playing the manipulation here for all she can. She knows that pulls at the heartstrings of her offspring .. to say she'd rather die .. thus that's the card she plays.