I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
She doesn't. She wants to stay in her own house, surrounded by people who will jump as high and as often as she wants. She's lost her village. She hates THAT. Y'all no longer fuss her incessantly. She is creating "incidents" to try to effect that same relationship and IT IS NOT WORKING. She's desperate.
If she truly wanted to die, that's within her purview. Keep on not using her meds properly, and the heart will give out. Playing Russian Roulette with the Lasix is asking for a heart attack. Possibly giving herself the bowel issues--you have no way to know if that was self inflicted or not. Not eating properly unless someone schleps a lovely meal out to her and spends 2 hours with her, watching her eat...all this is being slowly removed and she can't figure out how to get it back.
(we go here with Mother all the time: "why am I still here? what's keeping me going?"--well, mother quit taking your insulin and ask your dr for Hospice care and you'd be gone in 2 weeks. NONE of us fuss her one iota)
SIL will get there tomorrow and I HOPE be absolutely appalled at the state of the house, MIL herself and all things relating. She may well be really mad at you (although you divert that anger to DH whose problem it REALLY is).
If by some change it becomes obvious that SIL is waffling about taking MIL home, you pack a bag and get the heck out of Dodge. Just say "I was promised several months off and I am taking them." Go visit your mom.
Oh--and there will be waffling and crying and drama you won't believe. Over a 3 months visit 1000 miles away. This is just too ridiculous to be talked about any more!
Can't wait until tomorrow's episode.
Oh, and I found it intriguing that DH is at a CHURCH MEETING ( no doubt discussing the needs of the flock...) and his own mother is freaking out and nobody can get through to him, Hmmmmm. Not the best ideal of compassionate service, IMHO.
I can see that might be a valid stance and I don't blame her.
Kimber, I don't know what her solution would be.
She is obviously becoming more aware she doesn't manage on her own.
SHE DOES NOT WANT TO GO INTO ANY FACILITY ANYWHERE, EVER!!!!!
Doesn't want to go to her daughter's home. Doesn't have the means to hire around the clock assistance.
My only guess is if some magical fairy would appear and step to all the need..all would be well.
That's not going to happen.
So ... absent any real solutions .. She is staring down the barrel of being plucked from her home and it's perfect set up and all her memories and treasures there. A prospect that's THIS UPSETTING to her.
Interesting - she is now frequently making comments that she is finding it too difficult to manage on her own (chitapalooza cleanup for example), but doesn't want to go stay with SIL. So, if she is finding it hard to live on her own - what solution does MIL want????? Apparently the "cloud" is a ways away yet.
Keep us posted - this has been such a fascinating journey, Dorker, unfortunately because it is so COMMON.
If she truly wanted the cloud to come and get her, she would have thought "YES! I'm having a stroke. I'm not calling anyone. Maybe I will finally die!"
Or, if she really thought she was having a stroke and was afraid, she would have called 911 and gotten her azz to a hospital.
I know you are over it!
All to placate a mother that refused to be seen by medical professionals and SIL working the angle of trying to address it .. fix it .. absent any medical help. Honoring her mom's wishes.
In the end, there was a hospital confinement. But two weeks worth of swimming in Chitapalooza, ............. literally. She's seen this .. up close and personal.
That's my point.
If that's your approach as to dealing with your mom .. and you feel the best approach is to hold her hand and placate .. have at it .. she's your mom .. do what you think is best .. by all means.
The fact remains .... when Dorker stepped out of this show .. a year or so ago, there has been no one else that has stepped to the front .. to do it.
So you want to run the "Diarrhea is still a problem" .. run that up the flagpole ... and someone needs to "check on her".
Since when has "checking on her" resolved that. It does for the moment, .. from the respect that someone is there to hand her some form of a drink and encourage fluids .. someone there to hand her dry toast and a banana and encourage bites of it. So she's not eating popcorn .. or some other God forbidden something she shouldn't be consuming.
But there is no one here, .. not anymore, not in this city .. that stands vigil and stays with her around the clock .. holding her hand thru such events, .. and handing her appropriate sustenance and hydration ... and encouraging same.
Not anymore. Used to be. Yes, .. I would stay day hours .. and nurse this all along, or any other malady .. and then climb DH's frame .. to go stay at night ..
That ceased.
That's my point .. if SIL wants to hold her hand thru such events .. and thinks that a worthy cause .. do it.
But .. I have said .. since last year this time .. essentially .. okay folks, ... she's on her own .. not propping this up anymore.
That's what this looks like, not propping it up.
So now you're scrambling trying to find your brother to go hold her hand .. and so forth. Yep, .. good luck with that.
I don't agree that should be any reasonable approach .. holding her hand .. isn't gonna fix it. Hasn't in a long time. Medical professionals .. more the approach, IMO.
But no no no .. no .. she doesn't want any part of that scene. Okay then.
So who is gonna attend to her?
Yes, SIL is to arrive tomorrow and this much awaited xfer .. finally ... FINALLY ......... may take place .. and then if that's the approach when SIL gets her into her home .. fine by me.
I'm truly not angry about that aspect. We each can choose whatever we think reasonable to how we do things .. all things MIL well being. I don't begrudge anyone the ability to make their own decisions. If that's the approach she wishes to take, have at it. Go for it.
I don't think it helpful, .. don't want any part of it .. thus I don't do so.
The fire drills of old .. all hands on deck, .. long since has worn weary with me.
With that, I responded, . .. "SIL I don't have time or patience for all this drama, I love all you guys .. I do .. but you guys need to all get real here .. all of ya .. she has been assured .. time and again, by you .. that you will handle it ALL when you get here .. she has been assured by DH .. repeatedly that he will routinely check on her house .. I'm so over it with all this drama .. hand her the damned Academy Award and Meryl Streep needs to go ahead and retire .. I mean it. I was just on the phone with my sister in law .. and talking her down from panic over their situation (SIL is aware of the story on that front) ................... SIL ....... THAT .. what they are enduring .. THAT in my mind qualifies as a tragedy .. not having to go to your daughter's house where there is a clean home . and people that care about you, I am just over all this .. I don't have the patience for it ... she needs to go take a spin through the nursing home and talk to some folks who don't have a soul on the planet that cares about their welfare . poor poor pitiful MIL that she has people that care and are willing to step up and help her, .. I'm sorry . I don't feel it, not one iota".
This is what was said to SIL.
SIL then responded, "Well I do empathize with her, it's probably hard for any elderly person to have their world upended .. I mean .. no one expects her to walk the walk of preparing for all this .. I've told her I Will do it when I get there, all her packing .. packing for her dog's taking important papers with us .. preparing her home for us to exit .. all of it ... but I guess, it's just hard for an elderly person to do all this *change* .... I can empathize .. I understand".
Me: "She is not the first person who has grown older and needy .. and had to make changes .. not by a long shot .. and she is making this so much more difficult ... on herself, but also on those who have to help her .. and it's selfish and I'm just over it .. so so over it".
At that she said that DH was there on site, and had texted her, that MIL and her arm/hand issue .. seems okay .. and that she was going to maybe give them a call with DH there on site, and talk to them.
I only responded: "Good, crises averted".
And we finished our phone call, and that was that.
I try .. I do .. to see things from where they stand, and find empathy. I can't. Not anymore.
In the end, it seems .. MIL .. now more of the realization that this impending xfer needs to happen, she indeed doesn't need to live alone anymore, .. at least those were the words spoken last night ..
Today ..may be a different tune.
I don't know, we couldn't be farther apart in the library at this point.
I don't mean to be hateful and uncaring .. but .. I just think . the time has passed .. well since it .. that she should be living alone .. and that looks to be changing at this point, finally .. and I'm glad .. it's what needs to happen.
But don't run up my flagpole, "oh and the Diarrhea is still a problem" .. and then expect that someone running to hold her hand is gonna somehow solve it. It doesn't, and it HASN'T .. and this arm/hand issue .. whatever that was about, .. in my guesstimate .. if it was enough of a concern that we now need all hands on deck .. then the hands on deck, needs to be MD not family. Family are not licensed, experienced medical professionals. I'm just past it all .. not on the same page, .. at all.
SIL needs to come to some realization and maybe that can occur when she has her mom in residence there with her .. if she wishes to hold her mom's hand .. thru these varying issues that crop up ... if that's what she wishes as her approach .. then have at it. Do it. Take her into your home .. and then when there is ever present Diarrhea that won't abate ... and/or whatever other health issues that come up .. if your approach is to hold her hand .. then do that, by all means. There is no one to do that here.
When I did respond .. I called SIL back .. and explained that I'd been on the phone with my family and their tragedy on their end, and walking that SIL back from panic on some issues.
She then expressed that she'd been trying to reach DH and hadn't heard back from him .. had by now .. and he had told her by then, he'd leave the meeting and head that way. By now, the arm issue, whatever that was about, had subsided.
SIL then expressing worry .. that her mom's arm/hand issue, what's that about .. that her mom worried she's having a stroke .. that her mom still has some diarrhea ongoing .. and that she wonders whether it's emotional/nerves .. the diarrhea .. and maybe aggravating the Diverticulitis .. as she weathers all this worry .. as to departing here.
She and I are on such different pages with all this. We aren't even in the same chapter, or same book, in fact.
I asked her if she has called 911.
Of course not, no. Answer, .. "Well I don't think mother wanted all that .... she just wanted someone to come check on her".
Me: "Well the someone that can do that .. is not an MD, don't you think maybe that 911 would be a better approach .. she needs to be checked by medical professionals .. and ya know, that diarrhea that's ongoing .. I'd say she needs to be in a hospital .. what are we now, two weeks into this diarrhea saga .. I mean .... if she is following dietary restrictions and taking Cipro and it isn't improving, what else is there, .. she needs to be in a hospital".
((You see, I am approaching all this from the respect, .... your mom doesn't eat appropriately and/or hydrate, we've known all this for a very long time, .. yet nothing has really changed has it .. as to how she is cared for .. has it. So .. okay .. she's there alone .. let's go on the assumption dietary restrictions are being followed as one would hope in someone who is self - sufficient, she isn't ... but okay .. so let's assume she's doing so .. well .. if this Diarrhea is still problematic .. by GOLLY .. we're two weeks into this by now .. she needs further attention .. and that's gonna be in the form of some IV fluids and so forth .. obviously what she's doing isn't working to fix it. Hitting her with REALITY 101)))
Then the story turns to, from SIL, "Well I don't think the Diarrhea is all that bad .. not like it was that other time when she got put in the hospital with it".
Okay so then why was that thrown into the mix here, of someone needs to go check on her, this arm issue, .. and that Diarrhea is still there.
We aren't MD's .. any of us.
If it's not a problem really, then why even mention it. Is it, or isn't it. If it is, then let's get her to the hospital where IV fluids can commence, and some investigation as to why these dietary restrictions (yea right) and the Cipro (which is probably part of the problem, but I'm over it with sorting it all out) .. isn't fixing it, then let's let the med professionals deal with it.
Oh no .. no that's not what we want. No, we want someone to go hold her hand.
Well holding her hand isn't gonna fix any of this.
We are on such different pages here.
When I hit with reality .. then it back tracks seemingly to "oh well it's not that bad".
I'm really kinda surprised SIL and I are still on speaking terms. She really got no sympathy from me last night.
She then took the convo to .. worry that this emotional upheaval that her mom is wearing in this impending xfer to IL .. that it's aggravating her Diverticulitis .. maybe the Diarrhea .. maybe it's just her nerves. SIL: "I know she's so worried about it all, .. she's just overwrought with it all, .. the worry of it, I've told her that I will handle it all, she doesn't have to do anything at all, .. I've told her that, she worries there is so much to do .. she worries about leaving her house .. and all that entails .. "
If I could caution anyone in these shoes, I'd tell them to tread lightly and don't be someone's gopher in it all, .. not if you don't know, in the end, whether your opinions and input are honored. They probably wouldn't listen, and I probably wouldn't of either.
I did what I did for MIL for all those years, because I care about her well being, and was mired in it for that reason. Not so that in the end, I could call it a day .. and say 'well that's it, she is too far gone'. That was never my goal. My goal, all along in it, was to be of help to her. And I did that.
In the end though, .. it does bear out, .. what I said when I began to balk that this is too much, her needs are too great, and I tried to get that page turned. Here we are, .. just over a year since I really began to back away from propping it all up in a big way. And the precept is upon us, .. she is having to make other arrangements. Balk, yes ... protest, yes .. but it's the fact. I wasn't wrong. She needs more help. So, .. even though her offspring chose to ignore and obfuscate .. as long as they possibly could .. (and may still, who knows) .. what I said in it all, bears out. I wasn't just someone throwing in the towel because I choose to now go surfing every day with my time, rather than take care of an elderly person.
In the end, last night's debacle. DH .. he left the church meeting early to go check on his mom. By the time word got to him (via his sister) .. his mom's arm/hand .. whatever that was all about, ... it had subsided. The complaint, it turns out, numbness, ... I dunno .. arm, from elbow through to hand. She could move here arm, raise it above her head .. move her hand, etc .. but numbness.
Who knows.
By the time DH got out there, in fact, before he even left the church meeting to go check on her, the arm issue had abated.
He got out to his mom, found her in tears. Scared. Alone.
Scared, because whatever that was with the numbness ... I guess, she relates to him, she thought maybe she was having a stroke.
Did she have the presence of mind, or her daughter, who was blowing up the phone on DH's end, .. either of them, to call 911? Of course not.
She was tearing up talking to DH, .. she would so rather die .. she wants so badly to go on to her great reward .... so so badly. That's what she wants, she expresses to him. I can understand how she might feel that way. I don't think she was even cloaking it, ... this wish to go on and die, ..not in the "I don't want to make this move, I'd rather die". It was just a wish that she could be done with this life and it's sorry state.
One thing however, .. this did scare her. This episode of whatever that was about (may have been the same as any of us .. she'd been sitting reading the newspaper .. maybe her hand/arm crooked just right, and it went to sleep .. as any of us might find, I dunno). But it did scare her. She said to DH .. "This really scared me, .. me here alone, I know now that I have to go to be with Daughter, .. and I don't need to be alone anymore".
Will that change by this afternoon and her singing the blues again about having to leave her home (even temporarily). High likelihood yes.
Was an interesting convo with SIL when this was all taking place last night.
As I said earlier, I'd heard my phone pinging and pinging, but I was in the middle of something else and so didn't respond.
SIL wants to be " in charge" of her mother's health ( that's why no one is pushing AL in FL, as it would be inconvenient for SIL).
But SIL wants to be in charge when she's not on site as well, and wants Dorker to do her bidding. Dorker realizes that what is wrong with MIL can't be fixes and refuses to get latest devise, pill, cure. SIL STILL wants to be in charge and therefore must take MIL to IL to get her situated for the next step, which is to get her qualified for Medicaid in THAT state.
Dorker, you really need to get MIL and SIL out of your daily ruminations.
Dorker, I think some of your anger is actually towards yourself, because you put up with SIL's caregiving of MIL bullying (that's what it was) for way too long. 15+ years you did, correct? So that's how SIL came to be so overbearing and demanding. You apparently didn't push back, so she thought you were okay with her orders (and likewise with MIL).
Elder caregiving doesn't have to be dumped on the one who has the most time (or is retired). That's not really fair. You mention a lot that SIL is retired and that the caregiving should be on her shoulders. And, really, once you stopped the steppin' and fetchin', there really isn't that much time your family gives to MIL, is there? You voluntarily give up your mission-creep Thursdays for her. H reluctantly is now calling her a few times a week, and will go over if he has to. You give a lot of mental space to MIL, but that is your doing.
(Yes, H very busy with his contracting? business, but he certainly finds the time for a lot of church meetings, yes? He has pretty much stepped off the MIL train, if he was ever even on it.)
I am curious as to what your expectations are when your parents need help. Do you expect either of your brothers to step up? Or do you expect that you as the only daughter will bear the brunt of their caregiving (either hands-on or management)? Sometimes I think that you think SIL as the daughter should take the lead on MIL's caregiving, and I was wondering if this mindset (caregiving should be by daughters) has anything to do with it.
I'm not trying to be rude....honest! I think a lot about my situation, and its similarities to yours. My mother has the clear expectation that a daughter should be doing more caregiving than sons. One time at the coumadin clinic she wondered out loud how older people got around who didn't have daughters? I *am* the only local one, but I have been told time and time again that my brothers are so "busy" (one in particular, who does nothing and rarely even comes to visit). She has told me MY time isn't valuable. (Once when I suggested that my Sonny-No-Show brother do some Internet research for her, she got furious and told me that HIS time was worth so much more than MINE.) So I think she expects that *I* SHOULD do whatever she wants (including listening to HOURS of her prattling on about issues, which I won't do anymore; she got insulted when I told her I was wasting hours of my time and now hardly calls me -- hurray!). My mother sounds about as mobility-compromised as MIL, but with one big difference. My mother is compulsive about what she eats (Vitamin K -- evil! Vitamin B6 -- the same! Fat is evil, too!) and very compliant with her meds. And complain...oboy, does she like to complain! THAT she has in common with MIL! And also that she is TOO GOOD to have to take public transportation or have to call a taxi.
Just say 'dear dear poor you' and concentrate on the important bits. Time spent on resenting her, especially if it involves dredging up ancient history, is time wasted. You're nearly there, just keep breathing.
Good grief! Nobody loves this. Nobody likes this.
Now granted, SIL has her issues. But she IS stepping up to keep MIL out of institutional care and (somewhat) out of harm’s way. Short-term, and far from perfect. But it’s not a Medicaid nursing home and it’s not the infectious disease incubator that MIL’s house is becoming.
MIL’s reaction?
MIL bellyaches about everything she can think of to SIL. Topped off with a litany of what-ifs, maybes and made-up nonsense.
MIL is rude and thoughtless. And couching it in “poor me” doesn’t make it any less insulting to the Illinois household.
88 years old, and MIL can’t get over herself. Can’t do a damm thing for herself. Can’t drop the charade and accept an arrangement with skilled professionals.
Meanwhile, SIL is turning her life and home upside-down for her mother. And DH has promised many times over to keep tabs on the empty house in FL.
If there was ever an occasion for MIL to be gracious, this is it. But nope. All MIL can muster is an endless loop of whining, lying and triangulating.
Amazing.
Ya'll weren't kidding when you said the drama would ramp up. I heard my phone pinging text after text. But I didn't look at it, I was on the phone with the SIL on the end of my family and talking her off of a panic state with some of their situation. Purposely didn't go pick up the cell to see who was texting me, just concentrated on talking to and helping my SIL.
When I did go look at it, it was SIL ..
Apparently MIL has been trying to reach DH .. (DH in a church meeting presently and generally that means his phone is in the off position). Something about MIL and her arm and a problem, .. something not right elbow to hand ..
Said her mother's speech sounds fine .. that she can lift and lower her arm .. but it feels .. something isn't right .. is the complaint.
I guess . she'd been texting DH .. MIL had been calling him. Him oblivious ..
By the time I picked up the messages .. apparently DH had seen that he is being summoned. And had responded to his sister that he is in a church meeting .. will cut out early or go when it finishes .. and that MIL's arm seems better now.
Geeeze.
I don't have DH right here in front of me, if I did, my advice, sought or otherwise, would be 911. He's not a physician and can't diagnose some mysterious arm issue. Call 911.
I'm not gonna bother him .. and now blow up his phone, his sister and his mom have done enough of that, sounds like.
Good pour it on him ...
Get used to it .. if she is left here .. get used to it.
I was telling one of the gals from church the other day that we'd missed her at the women's group. She answered that she'd had to travel to go check on her mom who had been in a car accident. Of course, my response: "Oh no, I'm sorry is she okay". Yes, she's just a bit banged up, no worse for the wear. She then goes on to tell me her mom is 94 yo. I asked incredulously, "....she still drives?". Yes, .. "some", not at night, not a lot but yes, .. she's fine mostly, the accident wasn't even her fault, she wasn't ticketed, other driver was. She goes on to tell me, her mom still cooks .. "some". Gets around some, .. drives ..
I asked "does she take her meds without problems?". Yes, .. she does.
WOW!
Of course, I've never met this woman's mother, and for all I know this gal I was talking to could be a charter member too, of the magical thinking club .. I don't have anyway of knowing.
But just wow, if it's true.
That, .. I walked away from that exchange .. just .. I don't know, there's so much reassurance, if I ever even needed it, .. I don't. That I'm right right right, MIL is too too compromised to be living alone. SHE IS.
She doesn't drive anymore, unless she threatens when someone can't hop to fast enough for her.
She doesn't comply with her meds.
She throws her MOW's in the trash most days .. and ... eats .. I don't know what. I'm there in the mornings, on Thursdays and at least that meal, . when/if she gets to it, she doesn't always .. is somewhat nutritious. A bowl of cereal with fruit chopped in it .. and a glass of OJ and some english muffin with jelly. At least that one meal .. when/if she gets to it .. and gets it ready .. is some nutrition. I have no idea the other six days a week, .. and the other meals of a day.
She can't take care of herself .. particularly when she's ill.
It's all so stark, when you just happen upon someone with a different story. How I wish DH had been standing there, he wasn't.
That's been apparent over the last couple of years I've been on this soapbox.
DH .. at least now .. where, before, he didn't .. he seems to see it more for what it all is, presently. His mom's "need".
I think he feels bad bad bad for his sister .. the knowledge there is a real potential for MIL to be mean to her husband (and none of us believe him deserving of that, NONE OF US). He feels bad for his sister .. ."why does this all get dumped on her?, .. I'm her kid too".
Well .. if you can figure out a way to make a living DH ... that includes you f/t caring for your mom, jump, do it, you aren't retired, she is. So is her husband, who "can" help some .. more than MIL deserves.
So there is potential for him to backslide .... the trepidation on his part, as to MIL's propensity to be mean to SIL's husband (she's shown it before). The whole piece about, "why does this all land in sister's lap".
I have argued before, my stance, .. "It doesn't have to land in SIL's lap .. you guys get your heads together and figure a way to get her into a setting .. and/or provide her the support needed".
That gets met with, "She does NOT want to go to any SETTING .............. I don't want that for her, she is so opposed to that!, .. and you know none of us an afford f/t time care".
Oooookay ... then what's your suggestion?
And no, it better not fall at the feet of "Dorker you do it".
DORKER DID DO IT for a long long time.
She's not my mom .. I have no say so in it all, nor any power as to how it all rolls, so no ..
There's not a whole lot that can be said that hasn't already been said countless times.
The reality is .. SIL is still in that magical thinking ..
And DH ........... will he put on his big boy pants in all this and stand for what's right w/his mom and his sister? Who knows.
I can tell ya this .. last time this was to have transpired .. back in April .. a decision was made on the part of SIL/MIL and no consult at all, from this corner. Not like MIL or SIL either one consulted him. Decision made, that was that. He was just as blind sided as I was. However, .. at that time, I don't think he .. even then .. had a full-on view of it all that he's had to work, since then.
Will that be enough to make him stand up and be counted should that occur again. I dunno. I don't hold a lot of hope no.
If they make their big judgement call that she's okay to be left again .. you can almost bet .. anger will surface yes, .. but aimed at me .. for being so obstinate to refuse that which MIL so desperately wants, not to be plucked from her home.
I do find it curious though, wonder if anyone here does also.
Haven't we known this was the target date (it's actually beyond what the target should've been, oh but we had to dog sit for daughter). Here we are at target date, and SIL is now .. with the stress/rush of handymen .. coming and going .. installing brace for toilet, .. handles on bathroom faucets that are more suited to her arthritic fingers, .. grab bars, .. yadda yadda yadda.
Why now? Have we not known .. this was target date?
Find that curious ........... almost sinister.
Maybe SIL thought she could stave this all off. That isn't apparently working, .. all the lamenting .. (not so far) so she has gone ahead .. handymen coming and going .. and ADA accommodations being made now. But even still, .. even still ..!!!!!!!!.... those laments keep flying .. "it'll just be so hard for her, she's so sad, I hate it this is so troubling to her, .. this work here in the basement .. so disruptive to her, hope we can all get along ..
On and on it goes.
I am still so pizzed over it.
How can she, .. how can she even possibly think .. even a sliver of hope .. that it's somehow suitable to tell her mom 'it's okay you don't have to...." How?
I have seen this so much with elders who want to stay in their house no matter if living alone eventually kills them [falls, trapped in bath, mismanaging meds, etc]. It will be the medical emergency that gets the tough decisions made.
I really hope MIL does get on that plane - but SIL seems to already be setting up an escape "if she really does not want to". I'm rooting for you still!!!!
Stick to that, don't obsess and you'll be fine.
If there is discussion of MIL returning to FL, your response is
" well, that will have to be on Dh's plate. I'm not involved in that any more. Her doctors has said she needs far more help than that."
Period. End Of Story.
All I know is that a week or so ago, when MIl and I both were kicking around .. what a doormat SIL is to her grown kids .. and allowing this dog sitting to be dumped in her lap all the time.
I said to her, "Well .. one good thing, .. she's gonna have to decline at this point, you'll be there and your dog .. surely she won't be stepping up to the plate to take her daughter's dogs on, her daughter will have to begin to make other arrangements".
MIL's response went like this: "You really think that's how it will go huh?".
I answered, "Well I would hope so".
MIL doesn't see it that way, SIL being the doormat she is, predicts that SIL will continue on being the dog sitter to her daughter, no matter what other circumstances might create a problem.
Again, not my problem.
So MIL gets up there, to IL .. (if she ever does) and it's a zoo .. dogs running in every direction .. barking non stop as the workers are in and out and banging and so forth from the basement .. a real chaos of a scene.
Not my problem.
MIL snaps at SIL's husband and says unkind/hateful things to her husband.
That still .............. even still .............. even that is not going to implore me back to the front lines. MIL gets deposited here by a frustrated SIL (that would be a first .. I don't think SIL knows what frustration is .. she stresses yes .. but she doesn't seem able to change circumstances that might lessen that frustration .. she just goes on) .. so SIL deposits her mom back in FL .. and the story goes .. "She just can't stay with us .. it's just too hard .. she can't tolerate my husband .. the dogs ..I have to help my daughter with her dogs so she can continue to enjoy the life-o-riley she so deserves ... it just doesn't work for her to be in residence with us".
Okay .. well .. your mom. You deposit her back here in FL, unattended to, .. at your own peril. I still will not be stepping in with a "oh geeze, well I hate it for all of ya, yes that's so understandable, your poor daughter and her wanting to travel and have fun .. you must .. yes .. always be at the ready for that dog sitting .. for sure .. and .. geeze .. MIL being mean to your husband .. yes dear SIL .. you must leave your mother here .. we will all take up the torch".
Nope. Not gonna happen that way.
Doesn't make it easy to "watch" someone who I know damn well needs more care. Not easy at all, in fact .. it's pretty damn bad.
But again, not my problem.
I guess if all the above were to be at issue .. even perhaps dog fights ongoing .. and poor MIL's poochy the brunt of some aggression by others .. even that. Maybe it would then implore SIL to have some tough dialogue with her mom as to what the future needs to look like.
Somehow I doubt it though.
Between all the dogs and the basement project, this is going to be very interesting. I really feel sorry for BIL, who probably be verbally abused by MIL because of all the stress the household will be under.
Let him get frustrated about the situation. It sounds like he already is. Just continue to agree when he brings it up that it's just not safe for MIL to live alone anymore.
But there's also a part of me that knows all too well, how easy it is for him to displace that anger back at me. Anger at the whole situation and where it should be directed, .. then gets directed back at me.
Better for me to just remain quiet .. and say little to nothing, unless spoken to about it? Better that I should bring the whole topic up .. to belabor it all ... (I'm not the one that brought this up, this morning .. he is .. telling me his mom is coming apart out there, and asking if I'd talked to her, no I haven't).
In answer to the point that SIL needs to arrive here on the scene and have to deal with the Chitapalooza scene .. and see for herself the mess and so forth.
Believe it. This has been done, this page has played out .. before, in SIL's presence. A few years back . I guess it was. MIL plagued with this same issue .. ongoing for far too long. Imploring she go to the doc .. SIL on the scene here at the time, complete with Depends, and BRAT diet, and OTC meds .. you name it, pushing Pedialyte pops .. so forth. It wouldn't abate this whole issue. SIL .. and all of us encouraging she needs to go to doc .. no .. no she wouldn't do it .. no .. they'd want to put her in the hospital .. no .. she wasn't gonna do it.
SIL even .. at doc instruction over the phone, since she wouldn't go .. putting saran wrap over the toilet so that she could capture stool samples to then bring in for testing (no I'm not kidding, not even slightly).
In the end, MIL was hospitalized, where they ck'd for Parasites, C-diff .. perforation .. you name it. The ultimate result was ... inflammation showing on scans of the Diverticulum .. or whatever .. wanted her to have a colonoscopy and she has long since refused colonoscopy .. as that was her husband's demise and she wants no part of that. She refused any colonoscopy. (I don't blame her at this point in her life).
So any hope SIL would be here and have to weather the Chitapalooza flying .. it's been done .. and then some, by SIL.
And further, as to any take on whether or not M (SIL's daughter) maybe is campaigning heavily at this point to put the brakes on all this, .. fear she'd loose her dog sitter. Who can say.
I know that the daughter, who I don't routinely talk to, not because there is dislike there, it's just our paths don't cross really. I know that the daughter did express to me, . that she doesn't want her mom bringing MIL in .. that her mom will work herself into an early grave.
I suspect her concern more originates in the loss of a dog sitter than anything to do with working herself into an early grave. But whatever.
So is that daughter campaigning hard at the moment this should all be halted. Who knows.
If the daughter cares for her mom as she would want it be believed, she'd be squelching any campaign coming at her, in lieu of her mother's care. Period .. be that thru SNF .. or whatever ... but just to say and leave it open "you don't have to do this if you feel you just can't" .. no .. that makes no sense, no logic whatsoever to that.
I know SIL is about as clueless as they come, but she might buy into that? And her telling her mom at this last moment "You don't HAVE to come---" OMG....of course she does. If I were the one picking her up at the airport she'd get an earload of grief.
Back when I was part of mother's care team---I'd routinely have to mass email the MIAs. They never knew anything was going on wiht mother, and I would keep them apprised and literally guilt them into seeing/calling her. I started by being really nice and got no where, so I got kind of mean and that elicited the most results. Not proud of it, not at all. But it worked.
Love of heaven--if that pane goes back to IL w/o MIL on board I think there may be a total nuclear meltdown.
Your SIL's problem, among so many others, is that she bleeds for her patient and that just doesn't work. OK, she feels so bad her mom is unhappy. We all know that. Just--deal with it and move on!
SIL is probably going to balk all the way up till time to get on the plane because "OMG, it's real". She can't live in denial any longer. And she won't say "no" and push the AL issue with her mom.
MIL could dig in her heels, but I'm betting she is more willing to do this than SIL. In a way, I really don't blame her, especially with how MIL treats her hubby. But if she can't or doesn't want to do it, then she needs to help find her mom the care she needs (AL or skilled nursing).
Stay strong, Dorker. Just let it play out. Hopefully they will get on the plane next week (I'm in the camp that says they will, for who knows how long, but I bet it will happen).
You cannot control HER, but you can control yourself. You can detach yourself even more. Keep doing your Thursdays (because it is the compassionate thing to do and you will feel like chit if you don't), but don't sit and visit with her. Heck, I'd even start talking her out of going to the doctor. She has proven time and again she is NOT going to do anything the doctor says. So why bother?
SIL wants to do short tours of duty and escape when she can’t stand it anymore. She has become or always has been the weak link here.
I hope DH stands strong and let’s his sister know what is NOT going to happen.