I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I'm picturing the female robot on the cartoon from eons ago, "The Jetsons". Rosie I think was her name.
With aging baby boomers .. if that could be invented and complete with the AI to match .. somebody would make a FORTUNE.
In the case with MIL, .. truly .. I think MIL .. for the most part, .. with some things .. she has the capacity (at least some of the time) to have some realization around "this isn't a crises .. it can be handled another day".
But .. here's what happens.
She has nothing to talk about .. not really .. since she has a very small existence. Doesn't get out to shows or art museums or anything .. she might see an interesting program on tv, but that's about it. Or read an interesting book.
So, because she has so very little to talk about .. and because her daughter calls her .. at least 2 x's daily, usually more .. just to check in, .. then conversation ensues, or attempts at same .. MIL struggling to find something to talk about, she will mention .. (just happened, is presently at issue, but this is only one of many many scenarios that occur) .. she will mention to her daughter, "I've gotta get ahold of your brother .. I need to see if he can climb up there and clear out that gutter, the rain water .. it just pours and pours that gutter must be full of leaves .. I need to speak to him about doing that".
And she will do so, she will speak to him (as she has, presently, it's on his radar .. he knows about it, and it was put before him by his mom . in a context of .. when you have a chance to do it, so he is aware, but it isn't pressing).
Because she just happened to mention it in a phone convo with her daughter, having nothing else really to talk about .. it then gets on HER RADAR and now . it is pressing. She wants it done .. yesterday. It becomes, "Oh and mother is worried, sounds like the gutter may be full of leaves .. and it rains and it just pours and pours there where that gutter is .. if you could take a look at that, .. she seems to be very worried and it's bothering her".
This is just one of many many things that go on all the time, .. him already aware .. but now answering to his sister on it.
....and I might add, getting quite annoyed at having to do so.
Used to be those kinds of things, as with all things MIL .. I was the gatekeeper of sorts and those kinds of things would land on my radar .. to pass along word to DH.
And I'd do so, and at times, get blowback from him .. "I KNOW, MOTHER ALREADY TOLD ME DAMNIT".
(I didn't know his mother already told him)
I did remove myself from that equation back when I made some changes to it all, and boundaries put in place. That was one of them. Home maintenance issues, I can't fix fences, and clear gutters or fix sprinkler heads or leaky toilets, or anything else .. so .. that .. from here forward goes to your brother. If he fails to answer you (which is he SO GUILTY OF DOING) .. not my problem, still .. I don't want to know it .. you can call him .. you know he is home here every evening, you know our home phone #, use it.
That has, really really alleviated a lot of the above. And it was well overdue.
Been very very fortunate that I've always been healthier than I deserve to be. It's been said of me, precisely because I'm always so healthy, .. that one day when "it" does hit me, whatever "IT" might be, .. it will likely knock me down for good. Probably so.
Yes, it will very much be SIL's cart to pull at this point, for a while. And well it should be. As I defined the other day .. her approach .. obviously, as to whatever woes MIL faces .. always .. first and foremost, .. is to, through and through, try and hold her hand through whatever, and honor her mom's wish, "No NO NO I don't want to be carted off to a doctor". She could be burning up with fever, and a sore throat and you're almost sure it's strep and a simple antibiotic will right the course of things .. but no no no .. I don't want to be dragged off to a doc. So SIL will hold her hand through it .. and try to doctor her along, and honor that wish.
And I suppose that's one approach, .. fine if that's how you wanna do it, and honor you mom's wishes. But then do it yourself. Don't expect others to do the same. If you can't be with her all the time, .. and up til now, that's been the case ... then figure it out, .. that others cannot any longer .. stand vigil bedside with sips of sustenance, and so forth .. to nurse her along. It's not gonna happen that way.
So .. good .. she's going to be with her daughter, .. and if that's how her daughter wishes to operate in her mom's interest. That's fine by me.
It will be SO NICE to not have to live on the edge of, "oh my sounds like the dog is sick and throwing up .. needs to get to the vet", .. or ... "Oh dear, mother's AC has quit working", ....or ... "Oh no, a piece of fence has fallen over in that wind storm ya'll must've had and mother is worried sick her dog will get out", .. or ..."mother isn't feeling well, .. she probably needs someone to go check on her", ... or ... "mother fell yesterday and she really is sore, I hope everything is okay and she hasn't seriously hurt herself", .. or ...
Just, the list goes on and on and on of all the different "things/stuff" that is a constant.
I don't know how people do this job .. for years and years and years .. and no help at all, and still have a smile on their faces. I seriously don't.
I won't know how to act, .. knowing that any of the above listed issues, and/or more that didn't even get listed .. won't be flying into my radar .. at least for a few months.
If the dog gets sick, or MIL .. or whatever .. she is not here for us to hop to .. to see about it.
And if her fence blows over, or a sprinkler head goes awry .. or .. a meteor hits her house .. it will be dealt with by us checking on her house .. routinely .. but there won't be any "all hands on deck, NOW" .. because mother is ____________(here in residence). I won't know how to act.
Dorker - yeah, MIL very well will get stronger and clearer and probably more adamant about going back to her house. (barring a crisis that puts her over the tipping point. ANY little event can start the downward spiral. It can be UTI, flu, diarrhea. In my mom's case it was sudden gout, treated by prednisone.) I would suggest that you enlist DH in preventing this from happening. Maybe educate him more about what CHF entails, that any improvement cannot last without full-time supervision at this point. And work on repeating the mantra to him maybe? "Clearly she can no longer live alone." Let DH and SIL figure that one out together. (Maybe DH would like to be "the robot in the corner", hmmmm?) Repeat it to the pastor, the church-women, any relatives, anyone who even mentions MIL.
Most of all, you take care of YOU now. Caring people must take care of their own health first in order to be any good to anyone. It is not being selfish to take care of yourself, it is being loving - so you can be there for others!
I had been trying to tell my brother about our mothers mental decline for months. He wasn’t having it.
Brother always had an excuse for mom. Or I was overreacting or misreading. Or, or, or...
It was easy for mom to pull it together for the once a month hour long visit my brother made. Easy at first. Until it wasn’t...
Then one visit my mother went all crazy-town on my brother and his wife. He called me in a total panic and was nearly hysterical about what had happened - the things she said to him - her Golden Child.
I had several minutes of the
smuggest satisfaction I have ever felt as I listened to him babble.
Then after I hung up the phone I laughed until I had tears running down my face. My hubby just
looked at me like “this is it. She finally lost it!”
Perhaps Dorker, if that phone call from sil comes your way - you’ll be able to handle it with more grace than I did.
It still cracks me up.
Enjoy the time away from MIL. Enjoy YOUR kids. Block SIL's # from even texting you. Keep those boundaries tight and tough.
Before they leave for IL, it may be a good time to have a sit down with DH and SIL and let them know that you are thinking of stepping out of Thursday care, also, as MIL needs SO MUCH. They will be machinating ways to draw you back in--guaranteed!! Like a 2 month vacation is going to "heal" you.
How she acts in IL is of zero concern to you. Can you let it go? Work with your therapist in this.
SIL and DH are in charge, MIL"s place gets cleaned up in her absence or it continues to sit and stew. (Did the 2xs a month housekeeper demand extra $$ for cleaning up after the chitstorm?? You should have tipped her out 50%!!)
SIL will feel the need to blow up your phones all day and night. I feel almost certain there will be an ER visit, for something, while she's gone. Let SIL handle it, for a change! MAYBE SIL will open her eyes and actually SEE.
We SO RARELY get what we want. I know I don't. As I have stated before--not one single person on earth is truly concerned about whether or not I am HAPPY.
Watching and waiting on this ongoing thrill ride. MIL is not done being MIL.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride!
If MIL returns, you'll decide for yourself what input if any you will have towards her continuing care, and you are now a practised boundary-setter. If she doesn't, you won't even be put to that trouble.
So... leave it be. The time and strain this is costing you is, I expect, force of habit but it is also completely pointless from a practical point of view, and positively harmful in terms of what it's doing to your blood pressure. Maybe the one thing you might usefully work on is letting it all go.
This, just a small sliver of what SIL doesn't see, because when she comes here, she is the one that scurries around to put the cereal bowl together for her mom and put it in front of her, and/or scramble an egg and make some toast. She's the one that gets the dog in and out, and feeds the dog, and administers his meds, .. she's the one that gets the pills out for her mom and hounds her relentlessly to take them.
Just one small sliver of what part of a day looks like, .. and how SIL hasn't even "seen", not really .. how it goes, her mom on her own, to do for herself.
Someone had suggested that when SIL gets her into her own residence, and then can witness some of this .. maybe she will have an epiphany of just how bad it all is. I don't hold out a lot of hope that will happen, simply because SIL .. who she is ... what she's about, .. she will scurry about doing for her mom constantly, as she always does.
Honorable? I suppose so, that she has a daughter that is so caring and attentive to her needs. Yes, indeed. But .. it also presents as a problem when one doesn't realize just bad things are, . and then doesn't take the steps to provide the extra help that is so obviously needed, when she isn't present here to do just as described above.
"The Plan" .. as I know it to be, though vague and not really openly talked about (these people don't talk to one another). She is to go to IL ... they'll stay there a few mos, .. then they'll all head this way .. stay here a few mos ... and back and forth it will go.
Doesn't sound like a "good and viable plan" to me. MIL .. and being jockeyed back and forth .. but .. my supposition of any "plan" gets nixed routinely, so I stay out of it.
I can envision a scenario upcoming where, .. A) MIL gets PT up that way . a good thing .. but that it will, at least in SIL's mind .. bring about what SIL finds in her (I would differ likely with that assessment) .. stronger now .. and .....B) now that she's stronger, and has been eating nutritiously and taking her meds routinely .. so forth,... she will be brought back an deposited in FL and SIL off to IL again, ..
I've seen it before. Too many times. SIL comes here, .. as I said, stays in attendance there, .. mom takes meds as she should, someone in attendance, she eats better .. someone there to sit with and socialize and visit with her, .. and cook a meal ... and SIL waltzes off again.
Yes, indeed what you see in that setting is an improved MIL. To the degree one can improve at her age. But that's precisely at the feet of someone there in attendance to do for her. SIL leaves, and there is no one to "do for her".
I won't borrow trouble for now ... just take it as it comes. And we'll see the plane depart here next week (hopefully) MIL on it, and what comes after that, we'll figure it out as we go.
(since these people won't make a firm commitment and talk about any plans)
I do recall that he also would tire very easily ... and his mind .. not as sharp as one would hope. He did get up and get dressed every day. He also would set about, to accomplish something, in his day. Might take him all day to do what should only take a couple of hours for others, but he'd do that. He would stop and take frequent breaks to rest and nap in the afternoons.
So we all have some familiarity with what CHF looks like and how it progresses, we'd seen it before in their dad.
Him too, hospitalized at times, for fluid build up (not sure how that would've occurred as he was pretty med compliant).
In the end, .. I don't really know why he consented to a colonoscopy at his compromised state of being, but he .. very much .. as much as he was able to, on top of his meds, and his healthcare.
The colon perforated, .. and surgery to repair. It wasn't survivable by him.
I think of MIL and her state of being, .. of course, she has far more "other" issues than he had. He'd never had a stroke. He didn't have Diverticulitis (that we knew of), and the myriad of other "bothersome" conditions MIL has.
She is so much more far gone, as to any capacity to function than he ever got to. Yes he tired more easily .. for sure, that was evident in watching him piddle around to do things around the house and you'd see the frequent sitting to rest. Just as she does these days. Just traveling about the kitchen in the mornings, watching her, to put her cereal bowl together and her english muffin in the toaster .. just that .. and getting it set up for her to eat b'fast. Just that, .. she then sits .. out of breath and complains that she feels about like she's run a marathon and is exhausted. Has to stop now, .. and just regroup for a while, before even commencing to put the spoon in her hand and begin eating.
Everything she does, .. everything, is so laboriously slow .. because of her severe mobility issues. She moves slower than a sloth, I do believe. I know she can't help it, and I know it's a good thing she does, she'd fall otherwise.
And then it's on to the task of feeding her dog, which is another slow laborious process, made more complicated by the fact her dog has so many dietary considerations and meds he also takes.
All of this, .. literally ... I'm not exaggerating .. can take until almost noon .. even though she gets up in the mornings, generally about 7 or 7:30 AM. It's that slow the whole thing.
And somewhere in there, .. one hopes she manages to muddle through and take her meds, .. usually that too, can get put by the wayside.
If she has to get dressed for the day, to go somewhere (she generally does not, stays in PJ's most days, all day), if she has to get dressed. Now add that to the laboriously slow process of it all. And no wonder, .. that's more activity than she is really able to muster. She is so worn out, so completely spent by the time this is all accomplished, having stopped to rest several times .. and then she's ready to go climb back in bed.
I wish I'd of asked last week when we went to the cardio doc, what is her EF, I didn't think to ask.
I was asking DH if he's seen her let loose of her walker, has he witnessed that. I have. She can't stand on her own two feet .. she begins falling if she makes the mistake of letting loose of her walker. I've seen it happen, far too often, and caught her, and the walker, right there for her to grab it again. She will at times, let loose of the walker, but the cabinet is right behind her, so she'll lean back on that, not holding onto the walker, standing on her own two feet .. but then she begins slipping .. kinda like you'd see in a drunk person.
Oh well, today .. SIL arrives, ..
Dorker - when MIL goes to SIL's - it will almost feel like PTSD to you. The relief, yet the vigilance you have accumulated after so many years. And in the very end, the whole family is going to feel a really strange mix of emotions. Bitter sweet, for sure. I think that is how it is with very trying persons that we love. KNOW that you all deserve a medal and help SIL know this too. No guilt when she does what must be done at this point, however that turns out. (now DH - well, he's a man. haha Men tend to be such - uh - men. Dang! They can step over a pile of dog poop and not see it!)
Can't wait to see you enjoying your freedom sans the weight.
I had the first 5 or so years (mostly) of playing step'n-fetchit with mom, then reached that ARGHHH limit and moved. Sisters forced to take over - and they did, although it created some awful family conflicts (now resolved) at that point, when they decided to move mom in with sis #2. (a match made in he~~) Reached a limit for them, and must admit, I rather became SIL from out of state. (not as bad as her, I hope, but yeah, a bit. Infuriated sis #1, who was third in line for duty when sis #2 also moved out of state.) In phone calls, I ascertained ANYTHING Mom complained about needing, and ordered it from Amazon the minute she whined about sister not getting something. The stories, moaning, stress, conflicts, and basic misery grew by the day...
Finally - I had my aha moments about strong limits, child/parent reversal, CHF and what it entailed, and I consciously decided to see this through gracefully to the end, knowing that Mom was what she was, and it was up to me to manage this as I chose. We all did love Mom, but she was always a "trying" person. Was what she was. So I chose loving firmness, kindness (when humanly possible). And I flew out there and moved her here with DH and I. (not in our house. 5 minutes away in her own safely set-up place) (DH also disabled, but to the point now of feeling pretty well. He had come through a AAA rupture!)
I flew back there, and drove her here. 24 hour drive - took 5 days with all the pee stops, but it was actually kind of fun traveling with her, as I was prepared to take as long as it takes, and to try and make it enjoyable. My sisters were supportive, (and relieved) and I had retired and truly felt strong enough and resolved enough with limits to handle this.
The transport chair (small cheap wheelchair) was imperative. She balked like your MIL earlier at cane, then at walker, then at wheelchair, but they all became her attachments. She loved wheelchair by the end. SIL needs to force that at this point. "You want me to take you out, you have to use the wheelchair. Safer for BOTH of us." Period. No chair, no out. Like a toddler.
My mom's life got smaller and smaller and smaller. Her chair, her newspaper, her tv, and the 1 day a week I took her out. That was about it. That was enough for her during the last 3 years. That was what made her happy. She was never a happy person, lamenting about what she didn't have any longer and people never doing enough for her - but I could not bring back her youth, her mobility, my dad, her happier memories, so I just agreed - yeah mom - old age is not easy. That is what I realized she usually wanted with all the whining. That and her chair, her newspaper, her tv, and silly outings that meant the world to her.
I gave her one day each week (yup - Thursday too), and HER choice of where we would go. Any restaurant, food shopping, dollar store and lunch - anywhere. Like a child, that really was enough - and she would say - "Wasn't that fun?" (uh, no - spending 2 hours in the dollar store going up and down every row and debating the merit of each little item is not exactly my idea of excitement, Ma) but yeah - it actually was her idea of a great time. So, I devoted 1 day a week to that.
The lasix compliance - yeah, it became a problem. I do believe it is a common, common problem... They are weak, they hate getting up to pee (day and especially night), so they think they can skip the lasix and even dehydrate themselves intentionally so they don't have to pee as much. Bad bad news. I scared her into compliance somewhat. "Your choice to skip it - but it will destroy your heart faster, Mom. Sorry, but that is the truth. Wish it was different. I know it's hard." When she was non-compliant - her legs swelled, and wounds would not heal.
MIL also has the added complication of A-Fib .. but more serious .. the stroke from 2004 .. and since that time some evidence of minor brain-bleeds. Evidence indicative of why her "balance" issues worsen, it seems by the month.
She not only has no energy store .. she also struggles just to stay upright, because of balance issues.
I've known, obviously, for a long time, she doesn't think clearly, she can't act .. to do much of anything. Any task, is almost monumental to her, including dressing for the day, and she generally opts not to, unless she has to go somewhere.
I've known this. Acutely.
But getting her son .. who had a pass on all the engagement in it all, ... getting him on that page. HOLY JEEZE ............ near impossible.
Her daughter, .. same thing. But only from the respect, she too didn't have as clear a perspective, in the fact she would come here and literally stand on her head while spinning and balancing 40 plates in the air, to do everything for her mom .. including breathe for her, if she could figure out how to do that. So, she didn't get a real clear portrayal of her mom's incapacity .. in stepping to, constantly to do E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G for her mom. I would try to encourage, repeatedly, sit down, . let your mom do that which she has to do when you aren't here. But only to be told by SIL, "But that's why I'm here, I want to help her, and do all I can to help her".
So, the two people in this that count the most .. her two offspring .. neither, for their different reasons .. had any clear picture of just how bad it all is.
And then there was Dorker over here, raising a ruckus that was mostly disregarded.
I like that. I think if I should hear more balking at any pending xfer to IL .. I will say that. "Clearly she can't live alone anymore".
Say it to MIL even, if she balks to me. She doesn't .. because she's seen that I don't play to the fiddle she's tuning.
I am so looking forward to what life must feel like to not have to be "ON" all the time.
Yes, I stepped away from it all several months ago, and .. for the most part, anything "need-wise" has been deferred, on my part .. until my obligatory Thursday session, if not then .. then oh well, has to be seen to by others.
But .. as I've described here, .. while I wasn't doing the physical steppin and fetchin .. it was still hard to see "need" that I knew was a struggle .. that no one is at the ready to answer to. Not easy.
Thus, I am looking so forward to not having to be "ON" ... as to what shoe drops next.
I don't even think I know what life will be in that state of being.
Sadly it is often a common occurrence among the eldery and infirm. I know my own MIL with CHF would often skip her Lasix, especially when she needed to be taking it the most, like car rides, going shopping, visiting family, and plane trips. She ultimately ended up housebound, on Oxygen 24/7, with tubes running everywhere throughout their apartment. It was horrible watching her gasp for air! Thankfully my FIL was still capable of caring for her at that time!
CLEARLY SHE CANNOT LIVE ALONE ANYMORE!!! Repeat, Repeat, Repeat!!!
But anyway - what helped me was to truly see her as a bratty toddler when she played those ridiculous games. Because, sadly that is how they think. And treating Mom not meanly but firmly, like a toddler, did seem to work. (surprised me, even) Do not expect logic anymore. Do not overkill with many words and explanations. K.I.S.S. No mom, we can’t do that today. Period.
You might say to MIL - “sadly, it is clear you can no longer live alone, MIL,” when she starts whining about the trip. (she does seem to be realizing that a bit.) And I realized that sometimes, just sometimes, they are actually not being confrontational, but looking for just pure sympathy when they start whining. Like - when she says how hard it is - agree. Say yes, we imagine it must be hard. It IS hard getting old. You face so many challenges. We understand.
They seem most compliant, when they believe things are their idea. Seek for that. Like a toddler. Do you want peas or carrots - YOU get to choose!
“Clearly you cannot live alone. Do you want to go with SIL or would you prefer an AL now?” See what she says. :-)
Make sure she has a will and someone knows exactly where it is. POA - Someone get it. DH had the perfect opportunity when MIL was complaining that she was losing it on paying the bills. THAT was exactly how I got it done. “Mom - would you like me to take over that chore? You wouldn’t have to even think about it anymore.” Bingo - yes. Went to lawyer, got POA papers drawn up, lawyer’s secretary took them to my mom’s place, and she was happy to sign, as I was doing something FOR HER. Taking over the bills.
All the things you mentioned as annoying Dorker, were annoying to me too. But in retrospect now, I wish I had been even more understanding. They CANNOT write anymore. They CANNOT coherently order something over the phone. They CANNOT think clearly (with all that vascular water in the brain). They CANNOT cook. The effort of CHF is truly too overwhelming to do anything besides sit in the chair and be served. Even through they say they can, they are trying to preserve their adult dignity. But they can’t. That is the reality of CHF as it progresses. Which it obviously is in MIL’s case. Doc’s know this, but they do not want to go there usually with the family, unless you ask them clearly what to expect with CHF.
Oh - one more thing. Yes, plane rides (the pressurized altitude) are very hard on us the older we get. I understand it is the untold secret, but many elderly actually die due to a plane ride. Everyone over 60 or so needs to 1. hydrate well before a plane ride. 2. Perhaps take an aspirin. (your MIL is already on the blood-thinner) and 3. Move those legs during the flight. Stand up, walk to br, at least wiggle the feet and ankles. Compression stocking a must for MIL. Yes. My friends mom died shortly after her trip from PA to FLA at the family dinner table due to a stroke. My mom wound up in the hospital in her 70’s with a DVT in her leg. Even myself - although I am healthy, I still do those things every time I fly. (except the stockings). SIL might want to do them too. Water, and aspirin, and move the legs!
Good Luck, love. You have done a great great job for soooo long, and now may you pass the baton gracefully. You deserve it! Just a few more days and repeat that mantra! “Clearly she can no longer live alone!”
My mom passed in December. Similar dynamics with my own family, for many years - she was 78 when my dad (her enabler) died. She was 94 when our saga ended this past December. Like your mil, she simply expected family to cater to her whims her entire life. And we all did. Just the way it always was. We (3 daughters) bitched about this “green chair” and basically took turns reaching our limits. She never changed of course, thru til the end. We went round and round for many years with various dilemmas and dramas…
Thing is - you ALL have done a helluva job. All 3 of you (in your own ways). Obviously, you endured the longest and most so far - but yeah, none of you need to have any guilt. SIL did what she could from long distance. DH did what he was able. The end of the drama IS in sight now, so you all 3 might wanna congratulate each other at this point, for everything you all did for the woman, and stay united and supportive best you can. You 3 can be proud you kept her in her house as long as you did! These people are your loved ones…
One glaring thing to me is - it is time to change the mantra. From “She needs more help” to “Clearly, she is unable to live alone.” “She needs more help” was probably a given since day 1! Those types ALWAYS need more. Nothing is ever enough for them. Your sibs got too used to that mantra over the years, so it lost its punch. They probably didn’t even really hear it. Your SIL took it too literally, and scuttled about arranging actual “more help” which of course was futile. The new go to answer needs to be
“Clearly she cannot live alone.” Every time - by each one who will join in. Once that is repeated often enough it will start to dawn on them all. Even mil herself. “You can no longer live alone.”
In my family, one lack is that we were really not educated in exactly what CHF entails. Sometimes it seems that no one in your family really has an understanding of this condition either. My mom, in fact, received this diagnosis and never told her daughters. It is NOT a kind condition, it does NOT get better. What you are experiencing with her condition is typical (in my opinion). The eliquis is to prevent stroke from her weakened heart throwing clots. The lasix controls the fluids because her heart is not pumping the fluids like it should. If she doesn’t help it by getting rid of the fluids with lasix, it will all get worse real fast. The lasix will work, until it doesn’t anymore. Then the fluid literally leaks out through the pores in puddles.
The weakened heart and weakened vascular do create all these symptoms - terribly terribly weak, everything truly IS a huge effort. Falling starts to happen a lot as it worsens. My mom fell getting on and off the toilet a lot during that last year. The whole thing was not pretty, and SIL is in for a sad ride and will need your and hubby’s support emotionally . (I know - I was the caregiver during mom’s last 3 years). My mom HAD to go into AL during the last 6 months, as I could no longer get her to the toilet or in the car. One night she literally collapse on me, and we both went down and “could not get up”!
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There's a difference in "Oh, I'm tired and want to die peacefully in my sleep and just want the cloud to get me." than staring down at the very real possibility that you might be having a stroke and facing a painful, panic-stricken death all alone. It sounds like she really is just tired of being sick, feeling crummy, and being unable to manage any longer, not so much a wish to die, as the wish that she could be healthy again and NOT have to be dependent on others. Doesn't change reality, but it sounds like that how she sees it.
I'm still thinking MIL is the more willing one here though. SIL will probably continue to balk. I'm sure she hates having to do this, but if she's going to be the director of this whole thing, then she needs to go ahead and really RUN the show, not send other people to do it.
And I know it's hard for you not to worry and get angry in all of this. Especially because you care. You've come a long way in setting good boundaries for yourself. And DH too, actually. SIL still hasn't learned to say no to her mom or acknowledge the need for a different plan, and may never.
You are on different pages, but that doesn't mean you and she can't get along or have to end up angry at one another forever, even if she does get on your nerves. I mean, both of you DO care about her mother, so you at least have that in common, right? And you know the best thing for her mother is not to be alone. Ok, so it's already been established by MIL's kids that a facility is off the table for now, so this is what the option is. Just keep nudging her along in that direction, and hopefully in a few days you'll finally be able to have a breather.
I think that you expected the MIL crew to oblige and step up, as you had provided support and cover for many years.
SURPRISE! They did not. They expected you to to do what you'd been doing.
And so you got mad.
I think, my dear, that you have justifiable anger, that after having been the "go to" for SO many years that when you say "My kid needs me, give me a break" there is NO acknowledgment .
I think you are feeling totally justifiable anger.
We have our own lingo for this thread now -- chitapalooza, the cloud, the Yellow Bedroom, the green chair, Narcissa.
If no one will take MIL to the movies anymore, what's that 2.5 hour plane flight going to look (smell) like? I feel sorry for anyone seated around her.
DH and I were just talking the other day about this. At some point in all this, .. I think this was back when she was supposed to have departed back in April .. and decision made by MIL/SIL that she'd stay here .. and DH blew a gasket .. not having been sought out for opinion in it all, him front and center. And he expressing that's not a good plan .. no one to support it. It was at that juncture that SIL sold the whole "Team MIL" approach, she agrees now to reach out for help.
That's when MIL asked of DH, .. "Well where is Dorker, why don't I see her anymore .. she doesn't come around".
DH responding to his mother (he only got it, .. partly .. not the bigger picture, apparently but at least he did have this sliver of it), "Mom how many times have you had Dorker cart you off to doctors for this or that, only to then do as you damn well please and not follow their orders, .. she's done with all that b'chit .. you're wasting her time".
Said she sat there, with her mouth gaped open .. but not disputing it, stunned look on her face.
Here here! Yes, that was part of it, . but only "part" of the whole picture. But at least he got that little sliver of it out there.
I remember having urged MIL at the impending birth of the twins .. I myself sat and talked to her, one on one, that her needs .. vs .. my ability to serve those needs, was waning. I'd be needed on DD's front and that I wouldn't be able to be as attentive .. that we need for her to agree .. we can bring in our church members, we can talk to neighbors, .. we can see about a home health aide .. whatever, but I won't be able to be on the front as I have been.
Her response .. I can remember it so clearly .. not at all comprehending what I'm talking about and "owning" it .. and willingness to step up and meet in any way shape or form, .. somewhat halfway.
"Now don't you all worry about me, don't you call my neighbors or anyone else, I won't answer the door, Now I know what it is I need to do here, to take care of myself and I will do it .. now don't you all go bothering anyone to come and help me .. ".
I remember it as if it was yesterday.
Then imploring to SIL .. who seem to have a hotline to her .. get her to see it .. and get her mom on that page. Nope. In SIL I met, . .. "I know, I don't know what we're gonna do with her, she's so stubborn" ..
In the end, .. meeting me at least half way in what I was asking, wasn't to be.
Obvious that their mom was going to be given the latitude to stand in her "I know what I need to do here, and I will do it" .. (and I knew damn well, she might indeed know it .. as to what she needs to do, but her capability to do it ..another matter) but no .. no one going to force that issue.
Inside of just over a year, ... we don't hear that one anymore, so there's an improvement. She no longer wears that tee shirt, of "I know what to do and I will do it". We don't hear that. So somewhere in it all, she does have some realization that while she might know what she needs to do .. she simply isn't capable.
She isn't yet on the page (unless last night's words she spoke, of knowing now that she can't live alone anymore .. if that sentiment has stuck .. we shall see) .. she hasn't yet been on the page, .. "yep .. I know that I can't do this .. I"m just not able, .. so .. what do you guys suggest here, .. I really don't want to go into a home somewhere .. I guess I will have to be grateful that I have a daughter willing to make all kinds of accommodations to her life and to her home .. and go there". No .. even still ... up until last night's epiphany (if it sticks) .. it has still been about, "I just don't want to have to leave my home, my treasures, my memories .. my home that is so perfectly set up for me".
We will see.
SHE DOES NOT WANT TO GO INTO ANY FACILITY ANYWHERE, EVER!!!!!
Doesn't want to go to her daughter's home. Doesn't have the means to hire around the clock assistance. My only guess is if some magical fairy would appear and step to all the need..all would be well."
Oh, it is very obvious what she wants. She wants to stay in her house and everyone else, mainly YOU, taking care of her every need. She has not come right out and said this, but it is obvious that she wants this. As she gets more compromised and if she is given more pain meds or anti-anxiety meds, which tend to loosen the tongue, she will begin to express what she wants.
My aunt was the same way. She wanted to stay in her house. She and her grandchildren felt entitled to MY time because I work at home and surely have nothing better to do than run up and down the road and take care of her. I was told by her granddaughter that "You are one of the few people she (aunt) TRUSTS to 'take care of her'." As if I was begging to "please, please LET ME be the caregiver!"
She did used to have a little group of 3 or 4 women from her church and they would rotate lunches . out or at one another's homes. That went by the wayside, eons ago, as MIL found herself increasingly having good days/bad days .. and when the roulette spins as to a bad day nobody knows. She was finding it more and more difficult to be a part of that group .. in that .. she might be having a bad day and not want company and certainly unable to get out and go to others' and their homes, or a restaurant. Got tired of begging off .. with the excuse of "it's just not a good day". So .. she quit being a part of any of that, and that's long ago, probably 4 or 5 years back.
That was the last of any semblance of any routine socialization she had any part of.
Dorker here used to, .. she'd mention so and so movie that has come out and she'd sure love to go see that. Off we'd go, .. to lunch and a movie.
We might have a function of some sort at our church that I'd drag her to, if she was interested, or something at her church .. and I'd go get her and make her a part of it. We might have some function as to a bday or holiday and I'd either drag it all out there to her house and invite all there .. or have her here.
That was her socialization in those days.
SIL would come in town and take the reigns above. Absent SIL's presence, it was me on that front. Very much so.
I'll never forget one of our last outings as to any lunch/movie, SIL in town. We'd gone to a favorite restaurant for lunch .. and we'd all had Bloody Mary's ... by the time we got to the movie theater .. she had one of her famous bouts of Diarrhea .. and the mess, OMG .............. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trying to help her, me and SIL both in the confines of a bathroom stall there at the movies. And then having to ask for a plastic trash bag from management there, so she could be seated on it to cart her home, getting a refund for a movie we weren't now going to be able to attend.
That was one of the last times that she was carted to a movie. She, herself .. now feared doing too much out in public.
I would still though, wherever and whenever possible, include her in our family holidays/bdays etc., carting foods to her house .. and inviting all to attend there .. so she wouldn't have to get out and about, .. or if she was able, (wasn't always) .. we'd go get her, one of us, and bring her and her precious poochy here .. and she could gather with family and all the hoopla that entails.
Even that ultimately ceased. Her ability to be a part of much.
Yes, I do very much think that if Dorker were still willing/able to keep throwing support at all this to prop it up . there would be NO DISCUSSION at all of her having to depart.
Does MIL maybe have some resentment that what used to be, no longer is. How could she not? But .. she has to know somewhere in that aged mind of her's .. that no one, not even her own kids and certainly not me .. HAS TO DO SO.
Is there underpinning of resentment from SIL or from DH .............. probably.
I know there was some from DH ......... I know that for a fact, as I faced his wrath of it all, when I'd push him to the wall on it .. and he'd blowback at me. My repeated reminders, "DH she's not my mom!". Him arguing .. always always .. "we'll all just do the best we can", .. me responding, "YOU MEAN ME, right??!?!?.. you're nowhere to be found, you're at work or at church .. ". Arguments.
I think . him unable to grapple with .. make a decision DH .. either you're gonna ignore your mom's needs and attend to church .. and all it's doings .. or vice versa, pick a side and get on it.
He was able to live life for a long time, at his own whim .. and still does .. a lot. The only difference is that I am no longer the bridge to fill that gap that I once was.
Don't get discouraged, this Will All Work Out, albeit a little SLOW! She will be Out of Here in a few days, and Then, SIL will soon see that Something Else must be done to Manage their Mother, or else She will be putting her in harm's way, and that's called Elder Abuse!
You are going to have to be Extremely Strong in your Boundries, should she return to her home, you will need to place All of it on her own Son's shoulders, only then will "they" be forced to make Real decisions about her future, but You've got to back Way out of it! I'M afraid that I'm Done is going to have to mean I'M Really Freakin' Done Here, and Tell them both so! Until she's set up in supportive care, you're out of it, only then can you Ever become the Loving DIL once again. Remember, You do not have a dog in this fight, she is Their Mom!
As was said here long ago .. I can't control what others do .. but I can control what I do. I can't control him and his over-the-top involvement at the church .. I can't control his sister and her over-the-top directives from afar and her magical thinking. I can't control MIL and her stance of "Now don't you all worry about me, I will manage here" .. all while SIL is directing from afar as to the latest need(s).
But I can control what I do. And thus where we have been now. I stepped out of it, in large measure.
Did that change to the point DH then said the words, .. "oh gee, this isn't good, I guess I better figure out how some others there can step up at the church, I need to be more engaged with my mom's issues".
Not really.
The only thing that evolved on that front is just that some of what took his attention there at the church .. for instance, he was on yard duty there, .. at one time there were crews that took care of that .. crews of two .. two members .. and that was a rotation of about six crews. So his number wouldn't come up as to mowing the lawn, .. trimming the hedges, .. edging the sidewalks, raking, etc .. except maybe every six weeks. When things fell apart there .. and no one left to actually step up and do things .. that was now reduced to crews numbering 3. So he was on yard duty every 3 weeks .. on the weekend, for a whole day it would take, or the better part of a whole day. Then on another weekend, he'd be doing the men's thing .. men's breakfast and prayer meeting for the better part of a Saturday .. and then on another Saturday maybe it was a meeting of some sort.
Some of that has abated. The yard crew .. that is now done by hired professionals. He still does the Men's prayer/breakfast Saturday .. the committee that might would meet, per se, .. as they put together a search team for a new pastor .. that has been taken care of, we now finally have a pastor. So some of that has improved.
But not anything that resembles that he took a few steps back from it all, .. in the interest of "whoa .. let me sit up and take note here of where my priorities need to be". Nope.
I can't control him .. or anyone else. But I can control me, and that I've done.
So yea, he was in a meeting last night at church .. but the last time he had a meeting there was two weeks ago, unlike what it looked like in the days that things were in complete chaos and disarray there.
So, did I step away from all of this MIL biz because .. "well how dare him ......!!!....if he can do what he wants .. then so can I". No .. it was really more a function of .. her needs increasing .. and my looking around at the fact that the major players in all this, . his sister .. not really on the page I was on .. and not stepping to the beat of the ever increasing need and addressing it, at least not how I saw she should be doing it, and certainly not DH either, .. it was a matter that I was the only one scurrying around to meet it all, looking at the others living their lives doing as they please and said "wait a minute here, something real wrong with this", and I quit doing it.
They get to choose what they wanna do with their time, but so do I. And learning that .. here on this board and thru the therapist .. and some other input from family and friends .. hard one to learn, but learn it I did.
began to need him a little more .. maybe than had been the cases in prior years. Ahhh, but by this time, the church in full-on throes of falling apart, and him on that front, a LOT MORE.
Not necessarily week days in those days, because his work was what had his attention in those days .. but weeknights, and/or weekends .. maybe MIL with need and me beginning to be a little more aggravated that he wasn't as available to that front as I thought he should be, instead manning church disintegration.
I can remember there'd be a need of some sort, .. and he'd be maybe on clean up duty at church (grounds clean up, once a quarter) .. or maybe he'd be at a men's function, or maybe he'd be at a meeting of some sort as to some committee they'd formed to oversee some something. And me unable to reach him .. (phone turned off, afterall, his attention had to be on the matters before him .. not on what else may be outside that periphery).
Have I urged/encouraged/begged/pleaded .. so forth ... "Turn your damn phone on .. you have an aging mother that needs and needs and needs". Did it do any good? Nope. Never has, not even still.
Off I'd schlep .. to attend to whatever ..and then give him a holy ration later .. "Why couldn't I reach you, your mother needed blah blah blah .. this aint working for me DH, .. you can't step to all the need of that church that's falling apart .. not when you have a mother that needs you .. this doesn't work".
And more and more need on the church front, .. ever increasing. As well as his mom ..
At some point .. I began to be more resentful of it all. Can't define precisely when but I can define some of it was directly at the feet of the above. How can you go and be all things to all people, .. there at the church that's falling apart, when your mom needs and needs and you have your damn phone turned off ..
It didn't change anything. Not like he then began to turn his phone off and would readily be available for whatever, and drop whatever as to church need on a dime's notice .. and turn in the direction of his mom's need. Not really.
If it were need that was pre-ordained, and not in conflict with church need, .. yes .. he would see to it. But .. outside of that, not really ... no.
In those days (as I said that has improved some, the church now firing on more cylinders than was the case previously), even his mom would make snide remarks, as would his sister .. that they wish he wasn't SO MESHED into church biz and was more "available" than he was. It wasn't just me.
Why didn't I go talk to the pastor there, absent his willingness to hear me. We had no pastor at that point in time. For a period of a couple of years, we had no pastor.
The leadership of our church at that point in time, was DH .. and one other fella. I did ultimately reach out to the other fella, .. absent any ability to have DH hear what I was saying to him. And he did offer to "counsel" with DH on the topic. And it did help "some". But .. it was still somewhat problematic.
I can still remember one of his sayings in those days when we'd have words over his ..... over-the-top involvement in a church that's falling apart, .. his words, "this is a season .. we are just weathering this season .. until we can get all afloat again". My response of, "your mother and her well being is also a SEASON".
To his response, generally: "We'll all just do the best we can". We .. who?....me?
Ultimately her needs increasing .. and him so enmeshed with church doings ..and my resentment growing .. and me unable to even live my own life and enjoy the things I want to do with my daily existence, with any kind of continuity .. and it was about this time that the board here, .. and some counseling .. and learning the word boundaries/limits .. and what that looks like, began to take shape.
I think MIL is creating problems or stressing herself out so problems with her health come up - and will be trying to get out of IL. If SIL and DH stay firm - I think she'll go, but she'll ramp up the drama etc first.
My guess - she wants what she USED to have. Herself in her house, her poochy, her stuff, and Dorker to continue to keep it all going. When Dorker was around -she got out to appointments, got attention, wasn't sitting alone in her house 24/7.
Perhaps she is no longer capable of looking at her situation and realistically deciding she needs a change. She is trying to claw back what she had.
DD, long since, .. and her husband as a matter of fact, .. they have learned very well, any text forthcoming from IL, generally means, get to steppin .. and so generally, they are ignored, and for their reading pleasure at some other juncture.
She didn't read it right away, she reports, .. and it didn't implore her to action even. Though, I presume, as does DD .. if she'd of volunteered to step n fetch .. it would've been accepted. She did not, volunteer. She read it at some point later, and responded she knows her dad to be in a church meeting and she's sure he'll call her back at some point and she wasn't sure where her mom might be. And no , she didn't volunteer to abandon her household with a child that needs her homework attended to, and baths for little ones .. and dinner dishes waiting .. and nor did her husband volunteer to step into DD's stead to take the reigns so that DD could then get to steppin.
Midkid, not lost on me, that DH is so attentively shepherding his flock .. while his mother languishes in her issues. Not at all.
Let me give you a little glimpse of how this whole thing has evolved over the years. There was a time, that I was, absent SIL's presence here in town, .. the "GOTO" in it all. Absolutely hands down, the GOTO. Not her son .. not the neighbors, or anyone else. Me.
In those days ... I was so on board and mired in it all, and so lovingly, attentively caring .. and on it .. like white on rice.
There would be "need" of some sort. My mindset in those days was one of, "poor DH ... he's so busy, he works so hard, .. and afterall, MIL doesn't prefer him anyway .. he's far too busy .. and when he is with her, he doesn't have his attention solely on her, he's generally conducting business, talking to contractors, customers, doing paperwork, and she has half his ear, if that .... and only a sliver his attention span, .. no .. let me just step right in here, and take charge, no dear .. no ... you needn't worry I've got this .. no .. don't worry about any of it, I'll handle it, .. if I need you I'll let you know".
Rarely did I ever engage him ..
That was in the beginning, and in those days .. the church wasn't disintegrating .. as it did evolve to at some point in all this, thereby taking more of his limited time and attention and energy .. ultimately. That issue, the church issue, .. is abating finally and things improving on that front, finally. But the church issue and it's disintegration and the attention and focus it's taken through a few years here, of those who actually step to the front to do anything (DH being one of the main players in that, .. has been astounding). It's improving on that front, finally.
But for many many years .. no it was my fervent belief and my own volition ... "no dear, you don't worry with it, I've got this". That was the approach .. for a long long time.
Then .. of course, MIL did begin to deteriorate in health and become more needy (not as needy as she is today, but it was increasing). About that same time or thereabout . our church began to fall apart ... and the rolls there of attendees .. severely slashed. Those who would actually step up to the plate and do anything, gone now .. sans the few who remained who will do so (DH one of them).
MIL's needs increasing .. the church .. of which he is an integral part .. also need increasing.
Probably not at first, because I love our church too, and was saddened by all the fallout. But eventually, .. I began to see that her needs are far greater .. and growing.
At this point in time, ... it began to grow in me, .. that I need him ... maybe