I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
"if she gets sick and isn't managing .. we'll go from there .. we want her to be happy and this is just causing her so much misery to even think about having to do this, we'll all just do the best we can".
Me over here, "DH you've seen it yourself and said so yourself, our best .. is not good enough .. she needs more than what OUR BEST IS ............ she needs a more supportive environment someone around the clock .. we can't do that".
Then here comes the blowback at me .. seen it .. bought the tee shirt and it has holes in it now, it's been worn so much.
Yes, .............. even saying to SIL yesterday .. "clearly she can't live alone anymore" .. even the nod of her head in acknowledgement of what had just been said .. it's all meaningless.
NEEDS BADLY that they both stand firm .. and dig in their heels just as hard. Will they?
Experience/history doesn't speak real highly that would happen, no.
But since when has my digging in my heels done squat as to changing course in any of this.
ABSOLUTELY .. hands down that needs to be said to MIL.
"Okay, well you can no longer safely live alone .. so which do you opt for a home, or your daughter's .. one or the other", and no waffling, no cloud in the sky that's coming .. no .. whining and teetering with the "I'll be alright" .. no Team MIL .. no .. none of that.
That should DEFINITELY be the approach of her grown kids.
Will they take that approach? What does your experience here reading all this tell you? I sure don't have much confidence that would be the case.
Yes I can say all that, and even to MIL .. I can .............
For it to be met with her turning to her daughter, .. who then says, "well she'll be okay .. she has Team MIL afterall .. and I've been here now and gotten her stronger and she'll be okay".
And her son .. (DH) .. "Whaddya want me to do Dorker, tie her up and throw her onto the plane .. I CAN'T MAKE HER DO ANYTHING".
So yea, I throw out there, .. "no .. nobody can .. but the State of FL can .. and I guess that's where this heads at this point".
I can say that, and I likely would say that.
So we'd then await the next Chitapalooze for an onsite inspection of chit stained walls and a weakened .. frail MIL .. who would assure any staff from APS .. "oh my neighbors help me" (as she's told and assured her 92 yo sister in VA that worries about her living alone) ..
Does APS then go and talk to the neighbors to assure one of them is arriving imminently to clean up the chit stained walls and floors? I don't know. Do they?
Absent her grown kids willingness to stand firm with her, that all this waffling and teetering and cloud wishing ... not the path .. make a choice MIL .. IL or a home .. absent their willingness to stand firm and force that (and I don't hold any confidence at all, either would push her to the wall) ... it's not gonna happen.
Don't underestimate the number of times I've seen this whole scene . one in which I used to sit bedside .. and nurse along myself .. as to the "need" to be elsewhere for care, and my assertion on that topic .. all to no avail l....
She will manage .. that was the excuse for a while, and her left alone
That one became evident she didn't really .. when I stepped away and no longer propped it up.
Then it became TEAM MIL will manage. That too .. has been evident .. it isn't all it was cracked up to be (go figure).
Does SIL have it in her capacity to continue to self delude .. that it'll be alright .. her .. let's say .. stay here extended in the event MIL digs in heels and will not go .. SIL now .. staying behind to spend time here, nurse mother along .. and then delude herself that her mom is "stronger now".
Hands-damn-down she does have that capacity to delude herself. Not a doubt in my mind.
Her brother .. doesn't he see ...??? .. hasn't he said the words himself, .. "she can't live alone anymore, .. doesn't he see it, hasn't he said those words himself".
Yep .. he has .. most definitely.
Will her brother fight both of them, "SIL and MIL what the h377 is wrong with both of you ...................... you both have rocks for brains ... abso-damn-lutely this is not gonna play out this way any more .. now I am done here, I am not standing for this ANYMORE ............. either of you ............ now mother, you get left here, guess what I WILL CALL THE STATE OF FL MYSELF .................. and see what they have to say about it all".
Will he do that? Not a snowball's chance in H377.
He will defer .. and it will be .. "well whaddya want me to do Dorker, she won't go .. we can't tie her up .. and besides that SIL stayed here and she got mom better .. mom knows what she needs to do .. if she gets sick or doesn't manage, we'll
She hasn't been anywhere since .. to have carted him along.
She did go one time, when her g'daughter (SIL's daughter) was to be married (now divorced) at a resort wedding .. out in CA .. and her dog was boarded .. much to her chagrin that she said she'd never do again, missed him too much. But he too ample to fit under seat anymore, by that point in time, and she would N-E-V-E-R .. check her dog .. she just wouldn't go anywhere.
And she hasn't.
Do we know whether this will cause the dog to be overly excited and/or anxious? No we don't. Does SIL know that she might want to check with vet as to a sedative .. I have advised that, . whether she takes the ball and runs with it, not up to me. Do we know whether the dog will become overwrought with anxiety and vomit in the floor .. no we don't. The dog hasn't flown in YEARS. He is .. I think 12 years old.
Do we know whether the dog will relieve himself .. unable to hold that aged bladder for the 2 some odd hours of the flight which is direct. No we don't know ... it hasn't happened for us to have any experience as to how it will all work.
Does he .. at home .. hold his bladder for 2 hours plus some? Yea ... pretty much if forced to do so. Yes. If I have MIL out and about for a doc visit and lunch out, you can bet that's longer than two hours .. and we don't come back to find the poor little doggie just couldn't hold his bladder and a puddle in the floor.
If she's home .. and not out and gone somewhere .. I think she does let him out more frequently.
But if not .. he does hold it.
Will he become so anxious on the plane ride that piddling in the floor becomes a problem. I guess we will know after it transpires.
This is a whole industry that has cropped up out there, of the hack nature .. and there are numerous sites where this can be achieved.
It's just the one that SIL went to. This specific hack .. I guess there are docs in GA/TX .. and so the question from the airline Accessibility Desk, as they look at the documentation forwarded to them, .. "okay we have your documents, did your mother see the doctor in GA or the one in TX".
SIL .. fear striking in her, of more questions that can't be truthfully answered, .. "Uhhh .. GA .. yea that was it, it was the one in GA".
I don't know why airlines don't look at, .. and .. I guess dial down on .. "wait a second here ... your mom is a FL resident, did she drive all the way to GA to be seen by a physician .. you know, .. they have to have been SEEN .. not just over the internet .. did she actually drive all the way to GA ....???......why didn't she see a local doctor".
I don't know why airlines don't hone in on that, apparently they don't, .. not yet. But stay tuned ....
I guess that could then take them all down the road of all the twists and turns .. "oh well she saw her sister's psychiatrist .. he's a 3rd cousin fourth removed and we all just love him, he's so wonderful .. so .. we all made a day trip of it to go visit him and he's the one that decided she qualifies".
Yea b'chit ....
But what airline is gonna go down that road of all the twists and turns of why you'd drive to some other state to see a doctor.
Has this dog flown before?
I've taken dogs on buses, trains, the London Underground, and memorably one of them was sick all over the footwell of a Porsche 925 (serves the owner right, just because the acceleration is there it doesn't mean you have to max it out the whole time). They - ranging from a lab/collie cross through cocker spaniel to Staffy - have been in elevators and up and down escalators. Son claimed that his dog could climb a ladder, but unless "climbing" is redefined to mean scrabbling in panic while you're shoved upwards by your bottom this is not strictly true.
How any of them would have reacted the first time to the air pressure changes in their ears of taking off and landing I can't say, but I'd have wanted to start them young.
Still! You can get a lot of good behaviour out of a dog with a pocketful of training treats.
Limit intake of salt and liquids.
Put support hose or bandage legs before flight
Get the damn dog his shots
Take same dog out to back yard with a bucket of warm water and scrub him down. make sure he is dry and brushed before returning him to the house.
If dog is likely to have an accident on the plane put him in "Doggy diapers" after the plane takes off.
Make sure the airline knows MIL is disabled and transport her in a wheelchair.
MIL to also wear Depends and no Lasix on morning of flight. Take as soon as she gets to SIL's house.. Don't feed dog on morning of flight. if he may be nervous ask Vet for a sedative
There was a time, when Poochy was smaller, and his girth not as ample .. and he did fit in one of those soft carriers.
MIL had one .. and there is no ESA designation needed for such. If one has a pet they wish to board with, .. and said pet fits in one of those carriers, .. that can easily slide under the seat in front of you .. one is allowed to do that with no designation needed as to any service animal issue.
She won't have him in any kind of carrier, and it's not required if the pet has an ESA designation. He doesn't fit any longer .. he wouldn't fit under the seat in front of her.
Barb is right, if worse comes to worse, the State of Florida could certainly step in if they decide it is unsafe for her living alone and make her a ward of the state. Let's hope though that the swelling goes down and she gets on the plane with SIL. One more week to go, hopefully! :)
First off, poochie is not going to be given his own seat. Ostensibly the pet will be held in the lap of it's owner and/or .. comfortable at the feet of the owner on the floor (yea right, we know how tight it is in airline seating these days and no leg room). So somebody will be expected to hold poochie in their lap .. and/or have him comfortable on the floor at the feet of the owner.
Will he do so?, .. for the most part, yes ... absent any excitement that maybe he's paid attention to by others .. in which case he will become ..at least momentarily a pest ..
If someone gets on and sits next to them with something smelling scrumptious to eat, will he beg .. yes .. most likely. Will that seat mate find this supremely annoying or endearing .. depends I suppose, if it's a pet lover or not.
Let's say seatmate says to flight attendant, "oh no .. no you don't, I'm not sitting next to a dog .. I have pet dander allergies .. no no no".
Flight attendants, so I read .. these days .. then have to try to grapple with all this and ask if that specific person .. aggrieved person .. would be agreeable to move to another seat .. and they can .. assuming there's an empty seat .. accommodate that .. and/or ask another passenger if they'd be willing to sit next to a pet being brought along. And ask that person to trade seats.
Or they can try to find two other seats (MIl and SIL) .. and ask MIL and SIL to move and ask the person next to them at where they've been moved to, if that person has a problem with sitting next to a pet. It's a problem, from what I read.
For the most part, .. from what I've read on the topic and there's lots out there on the topic .. flight attendants .. who are kinda the ones charged with navigating all this whole scene, don't like it one bit and wish that airlines would do something about it .. and it is getting more and more on the radar for them to address it (SW Airlines just the other day announced some tighter constraints w/it all). Flight attendants .. if the pet becomes unruly .. and won't stay in place .. i.e., then causing other passengers problems navigating the aisles .. or if the dog becomes unruly because it barks incessantly .. or bites .. the person can be asked to exit the flight.
I don't know what happens when the flight is in process and all hell breaks loose with an unruly pet.
So .. yea .. it's an issue fraught with all kinds of problems.
Will they be fortunate enough that they are seated next to someone that absolutely adores pets and finds poochy to be just the cutest thing since ever .. maybe. Will they be seated next to someone that finds this whole thing so abhorrent they are ready to sue any and every one in sight for even subjecting them to such a travesty. Who can say?
SIL already picked their seats .. MIL always has to have an aisle seat .. she can't sit with with bent legs the whole time .. has to have the ability to stretch those appendages out into the aisle ..
So MIL has the aisle seat.. SIL next to her, and some poor hapless soul will have the window seat on the plane .. and I guess if the plane is full (who knows) .. we'll go from there.
Oh and the breed, he is somewhat of the Jack Russell persuasion .. mutt. A mix. He isn't as small as a normal Jack Russell would be, as he's been hand fed human foods .. most of his life (his diet used to be, before they all decided him to be vegetarian) boiled chicken breast and rice .. all chopped up nicely .. 3 x's daily. That and hand fed, .. bits and pieces of treats all his life, human and dog variety. So his girth is ample .. for a dog his size, but he's also just in general .. a little larger than a bonafide Jack Russell.
Yeah, you wonder if they make you go see a doctor in GA or TX for approval.
I would not be surprised by anything the airline does.
Also, she needs to use a soft carrier for Poochy on the plane, not a hard one.
And with all the horror stories I've read, especially in hot months, I would not let my pet fly in the cargo hold. The ideal situation would be one in which MIL had a trustworthy person willing to keep Poochy for several months while she is with SIL and MIL being able to Face time and see Poochy several times a week. She is clearly unable to care for his needs and there will be stress and chaos at SILs with the other dogs.
Then when the ESA attacks people (remember that man who had his face attacked by a supposed ESA?), the vet should also be sued. Maybe they would take it more seriously and stop participating in this scam. And I can't even with the charlatan psychobabblers who sign things over the Internet. I do know that legitimate mental health professionals are very unhappy about the charlatans.
The story goes like this. SIL was told by her daughter (proud of owner of not one but 3 with that designation) .. not sure why .. her daughter yes a jet setter that routinely travels .. but doggies .. as we all well know, routinely left with SIL for their care . So not sure why the daughter would know the ropes there on how this all works, but the direction/navigation for same, provided by SIL's daughter.
One can apparently go online and there .. one will find a form that needs completion, a questionnaire .. do you ever feel depressed/despondent .. do you feel lonely .. blah blah blah.
One completes said questionnaire .. and I suppose if answered appropriately .. there on the other end is some hack that stamps it "approved".
Will airlines eventually get a belly full of this "hack of a system" and tighten the reigns? One would hope they would, but how .. will be interesting to watch for sure.
Was interesting hearing SIL tell of all this. Back in April .... apparently when it was thought MIL would be departing, this was all put in motion at that point in time. Those ESA approval/designations only good for one year, must be renewed each year.
So anyway .. SIL got this all done last time she was here, in April .. but it wasn't to be, that MIL would depart with her. I mean we had Team MIL afterall.
So .. that designation approved by whatever hack it is that does so.
And of course, the requisite paperwork must also be submitted as to the vet certifying that the dog isn't a threat to others .. and is also healthy and no communicable diseases and so forth. All of that in order, last time she was here.
So now .. it's time to book that flight.
So she did so .. and that now requires, one has to call the airline Accessibility Desk .. so that we can assure the plane isn't now flying with what would be a zoo in other circumstance .. of a plethora of animals on board, all with their ESA designation. So she calls the Accessiblity Desk the other day .. and faxes/scans any number of documents required, .. some went successfully some didn't .. re-faxing, scanning, etc. .. calling again.
Finally now talking to a human at this all important Accessibility Desk to get this approval .. and the person asks SIL, ... "so which doctor did she see, the one in GA, or the one in TX?".
SIL telling me this .. this question strikes fear ..
"uhm .. the GA doctor", SIL knowing full well, ... they could damn well question that, .. wait .. this is a FL resident, .. seen by a GA doctor .. explain that".
She never saw .. physically any doctor on this issue, this was all done online.
SIL answers, "she saw the GA doctor", knowing full well that could bring more question ...
SIL placed on hold .. and the person came back to the line, "okay we have it approved now .. you can bring the dog onto that flight".
SIL now lamenting this biz with her mom's legs .. and what that may present as to any halt to travel plans .. and then having to go back to square one as to approval for poochie to fly ..
Of course, my mindset listening to all this .... but again, I am not the pet's owner, and I don't find him to be more important than air ... unlike MIL.
I'm sitting thinking, .. "geeze oh man .. wouldn't all this be so much simpler if she would just check her animal like millions of other people, .. whatever .. you're all frickin nutz!".
So that's the story on the ESA and how that's all playing out.
Was that a threat on MIL's part .. maybe. I don't know. I don't blame her. Her daughter fires like a loose wire in every direction. YOu wanna go tie her up and gag her.
If MIL balks at getting on the plane, there is a "forced choice" to be made by her.
Everyone concedes "she can't live alone any more".
"MIL, would you like to stay with SIL temporarily, or would you rather find a supportive living situation here locally? Those are the choices. You can no longer safely live alone".
If she starts whining about the cloud, it gets stated calmly, "we can talk about hospice services once you're situated somewhere. Right now, you need to make a choice about which of those two places you'd like to reside">
Continued whining? "That's not one of the choices; would you prefer we make the choice for you?".
If she gets to the "you can't make me" stage, the answer is: "No, we can't. But the state of Florida can. We can no longer enable you to live here alone. You have no POA, so we don't have any authority. If the state deems you unable to live alone, they will decide where you live."
Now, that's playing hard ball, and it's not an easy or nice thing to do. But it should be in the back of the play book.
Ohmygoodness...is that MIL's version of a threat???
It would be interesting to find out which charlatan psychobabbler signed the required letter for Poochy's ESA designation. Let us know if you find out! (You don't have to tell us the specific name; just whether or not it was any psychobabbler she's ever been to.)
About the bruises...perhaps her blood thinner needs to be adjusted? My mother also has atrial fib. She has to take coumadin, because she can't take the other kind because she has a replacement aortic valve. She is very cognizant of bruising, which can mean her blood is too thin. Could this be the case with MIL?
I'm sure I must have asked this before, but what breed of dog is this? Anything that a brush and ten minutes' elbow grease wouldn't sort out?
It's not going to be the end of the world, if he has to board the plane looking a bit haggard. Maybe you just shelve that one for right now and deal with MIL's legs.
Here's about how that would've fallen, or seemed so to me in the moment,
MIL: "OMG DORKER .............. he's going on his big adventure .. not my precious boy .. (dog) .... he has to look his best .. I mean seriously .. we can't have him board the plane and look as bad as he does!
SIL: "Well .. he still has to have that shot .. that shot has to be on board before even the airlines will let him fly .. so I hate to call and cancel that appt., GOD knows when/if the vet can squeeze me in .. between now and next week if I do that"
I don't know that to be the case, .. for all I know the only reason they are going for this specific shot is because the groomer site requires it .. for him to be in attendance there for grooming. I dunno.
But in that moment, .. it just seemed like that's about how it would all fall. I'm not in the biz any longer of arguing and arm twisting .. on that which I find completely, utterly preposterous.
IMO .. the dog can and should be ck'd like millions of others do with their pets when they want to fly from point A to B. It's not the end of the world. Beyond that point .. it's certainly also NOT AT ALL NECESSARY that business, "not my precious boy, he has to look his best" .... just so over the top ridiculous IMO.
Could I have offered, "gee, SIL .. sounds like you've hit the ground here and are gonna have to get up to full speed ahead, like yesterday .. maybe let me go ahead and take the doggie for the injection .. and you deal with your mom .. or vice versa".
Could I have offered that? Should I have offered that? Perhaps.
I didn't.
Have fought so hard to hold the line on boundaries and limits I've set and I don't want to bend those boundaries at all, .. the walls get knocked over with a bulldozer when I do.
And on the other front, with MIL's legs. It's concerning to me also .. I've not seen this purple/bruising like discoloration before. Yes elephant trunk looking swelling .. yes even some drying of skin and reddish tint .. and ultimately cellulitis .. I've seen, but not this.
I did tell SIL, .... when she and I sat in the take out place waiting for our order, and her lamenting the whole leg thing and what is it, is it serious .. what is it, blood clots .. what is it. I did say this to her, "Well ya know, .. she doesn't take her Lasix .. she plays fast and loose with it, routinely .. I'm sure you're aware .. and it's clear she just can't live alone anymore".
That was met with a nod of her head in acknowledgement. Her then telling what all has been done on her end, in the way of accommodations for her mom, door knobs, bathroom faucets, toilet brace, grab bars, yadda yadda.
She did ultimately say these words, "Well I asked her (she did ask her, yes) is she taking her Lasix and she said she is". I responded "maybe today .. but probably not in the last few days .. ". SIL: I ask her and she tells me she takes it. Me: "Well then either it's not working like it should .. or she is lying .. and I vote for the latter as the culprit.
SIL: "Maybe I should call the cardio doc to see if we need to up the dose".
I didn't chime in any further.
This is SIL at work, firing off like a loose wire in every direction ..
Interesting that MIL .. now withering under the misfire of this electric wire flying in every direction, said the following, looking dead at me: "Oh, here we go! ... she's here now! ... I'm not on that plane yet!".
Meaning, .. SIL has arrived here, the 40 different points and questions in rapid succession .. like a loose wire .. firing off .. inside of probably 5 mins .. and her under the scrutiny of it all, .. she may decide she is not going to be subject to that in the end.
I know that she's going to want him to come (this will be interesting, this one) .. to put the lock for the gate, .. take it off the side it's on .. and put it onto the front side so the yard man can access it. Currently .. the yard guy . .lets her know he's there, .. she goes and ambles her way to the button to open the garage door, from there he enters, .. uses the key to the back door which she has put in a "safe" place that only he and she know .. (and me and DH and SIL) .. and he uses that key to unlock the exterior back door .. and then he is now in the b'yard .. and from there he can walk along the path there to the gate, same key set in hand, .. and use one of the other keys to unlock the padlock secured there, to now open the gate, so that he can ride his mower on into the b'yard.
Well, .. she's not going to want him having ALL THAT ACCESS to her house .. inside of her garage .. HORROR .......... not and her not even here. So, it's going to be on DH's to do list .. go out there, remove that padlock from the side of the gate that it's on .. and now put it on the other side of that fence/gate .. so the guy can just come and go from the yard, and never even enter her garage.
I know that's not going to work .. it's just the way the gate is hung .. with it's handle, in what is the b'yard .. and so .. it's not gonna work, .. and DH mentioned that. Will be interesting to watch this tussle transpire .. from over here where I sit.
Yes, that's just two that I know of ... I'm sure there will be a list of at least 400 more things that just have to be seen to .. prior to any departure. If there is to be any departure .. I guess, SIL concerned that those legs/edema/discoloration . the doc might say "oh no .. you can't go anywhere looking like that". Who knows.
Listening to her, .. as she talked of what it took to get all this in order as to the ESA for the poochy. And then of course, .. now that she had booked their return flight to IL and poochy will be along, then it was a matter one has to call the "Accessibility Desk" .. with the specific airline, to get approval for that specific flight, (wouldn't want an entire zoo on one flight). After much hoopla of faxing and scanning and so forth, of appropriate paperwork .. and phone call .. approval has been granted. That specific flight, will now include poochy.
SIL then tossing about, "OMG .. if she is denied the ability to fly and we have to change the flight .. it took an act of congress to get this all put together for him to be on that specific flight, .. I'd have to do it all over again .. for a different flight".
I thought to myself (but I'm not nutz about pets ... and absolutely off the charts ridiculous and I think MIL is) ... "ya know it'd be so much more simple if she would do like millions of other people do and "check" her dog .. in an appropriate carrier and then bid her g'byes as they wheel him off in his carrier .. and then welcome him when he's given back to her at the other end. How much more simpler. But .. it's not my beloved pet that is more important to me than the air I breathe.
Why didn't I suggest, that the dog grooming, can certainly wait for another day? In that moment, in all the hoopla of all the other concerns being fired out in rapid succession .. like a wire that has somehow come loose from it's electric socket and firing off in every direction. In that moment and space ... to me, .. it seemed it would fall about like this:
Me: Ya know, rather than all this concern about Poochy and grooming, but yet MIL and these horrible legs .. seems to me that Poochy's grooming can wait .. even til established in IL .. it's not going to be
Dorker, SIL must drive MIL to distraction with her busyness. And she starts it the moment she enters the house! I don't understand the Poochy priority at all.
I'm sure SIL will be calling H or blowing up his phone with texts this coming week. If he shares with you (which he always seems to do), you must share with us.
On reflection, I'd have thought one of the very most helpful and supportive things you can do is encourage drastic pruning of the To Do list. The dog not only doesn't need to get to the groomer, it is also incredibly unlikely that he will come to any harm if he doesn't get his plethora of ritualistic shots and supplements. He is a dog. They need their pack, their food and water, and the occasional run around. The benefit of almost everything else is primarily to the pension plans of the various professionals insisting on them.
And speaking of ritual. This instant hurtling about while talking nineteen to the dozen is SIL's traditional form of greeting on entering her mother's house, isn't it? - again, isn't that where we came in? So although it must give you a nervous tic - I know I'd want to lasso her and tie her to a chair - probably best to let her get it out of her system and then work on helping her to calm down and take things one step at a time, ruthlessly discarding any task or theme that is not of immediate relevance.
And speaking of immediate relevance, if you're in touch with SIL this morning remind her firmly that the reason MIL's oedema is as bad as it has got is that MIL does not take her diuretic, and check that SIL now has this in hand. It's probably best, seeing as there is a PCP appointment already scheduled for Monday, to see what miracles three days of the diuretic *as prescribed* might accomplish. If she's still worried, she can always put in a phone call to the PCP's office and take advice on whether to bring the appointment forward but I wouldn't have thought it necessary.
Calm. Breathe. Relax. Focus. All shall be well, all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
Maybe we need to go to the doctor tomorrow instead of Monday if they can fit us in .. but the dog needs to go get his shot tomorrow .. or I can't take him to the groomer on Saturday .. they need that Bordatella shot .. or they won't see him at the groomer, .. (her being funny now) .. "do you think I could drag you to the vet for the shot for the dog, and maybe the vet could dx your leg there".
SIL weighing out .. gotta get dog to vet tomorrow .. gotta get that Bordatella shot .. or the groomer won't do the grooming on Saturday that is already a scheduled appt., pending the Bordatella injection tomorrow. MIL already has an appt on Monday to see PCP for refills on the Gabapentin (she doesn't take) .. and refill sfor more Cipro . just in case .. to have on hand. So now SIL debating the finer points of what to do, what to do.
I sat there listening to this and thought to myself .. but didn't say it .. "ya know, if you have to miss a grooming appt.. I mean really ...??.... can that not be done when you get to IL .. if you get there ...???.... I mean .. c'mon". But I didn't say it out loud. Sat quietly.
At that, . I bid my g'byes .. and said what was next on my radar, that I was gonna stop and get DH and myself a takeout at the Asian place on the way home. MIL now wanting to know what they have there, what do we eat. I told her (basically chicken and rice, that has some Asian seasoning to it (ginger/soy), nothing more. She said, "oh that sounds so good, would you mind getting one for me".
So at that, rather than go home, I got take our for her, .. SIL went with me, to get herself a takeout .. and she lamented about the discoloration on her mom's legs and what to do .. and prefaced, .. "man oh man .. I hope it's not serious .. are they even gonna let her fly .. get on an airplane . is the doc gonna say she can't go anywhere, that edema is so bad .. man oh man .. B told me before I left to come here (B is her husband) *now don't get stuck down there in FL for another four month stint", .. man .. I hope this doesn't make it so she can't go anywhere, .. sheesh .. what in the hell is that about?".
I only responded, "as you can see, .. she really can't live alone anymore". SIL shook her head in acknowledgement.
No, don't anybody throw streamers and balloons at SIL having acknowledged with a nod of her head .. what I'd said. Doesn't mean anything. Seen it before .. doctor her back along, and off she goes. (I haven't seen this before, .. this discoloration .. but whatever ..).
SIL now questioning her mom . upon the precept of going to get take out, .. "Well I dunno mom, how's your diarrhea .. maybe you shouldn't eat that".
Met with MIL chiming in: "S for God's sake!!!!!!!!!!! She said it's chicken and rice .. why would that be a problem".
Me: "It has some rice that has ginger flavor to it, and some chicken with soy sauce .. yea the sodium .. that might be an issue, but I don't see that the fiber in it would be of any issue".
She turns to her mom, "how's your diarrhea ..".
MIL: "S .. it's fine .. I haven't had anymore diarrhea".
SIL: Since when?, like since an hour ago, or a few days?".
MIL: "I don't know . not today I haven't ..".
At that, I didn't entertain anymore of that, .. grabbed my purse and keys and was walking out, "brb .. MIL .. will get you some of what we're having" .. and SIL now dropping it to come join and ride with me to see what they have that she might like.
Got our dinners, sat and ate, MIL ate every bite, and loved it.
When we got back, the dog .. obviously itching for something .. SIL assumed it to mean the dog wants to go for a walk (the only time the dog gets walked is when she or her hubs are here) .. so she insisted that she had to placate that need, and off she went .. MIL and I sat there and ate, she soon returned, with poochy who has now been satisfied ..
That was about the sum of it, .. I left.
What a difference that would have made!
The stinky stew .. if there was any .. had been dispensed with in yesterday's visit from the housekeeper.
The airport run went just fine. SIL did most of the talking .. about her son and his latest xfer (pending). That's the thing with his job .. some engineer type job he holds with a major oil exploration company or something of that sort. He never stays in one place for more than 3 years (must be unsettling to wife and kids, but it's a life they're used to, and compensated handsomely for it). He is now to go to, of all places, Iraq. Something he'll be doing there .. will be on some kinda guarded huge compound for those who work in the oi/gas industry .. and the wife and kids will now depart Abu Dhabi for life in Jakarta (where she's from). So, talking a lot about that whole situation.
When we arrived at MIL's .. OY VEY ........... OY VEY ... OY VEY!!!!!!!!
First thing, she began at MIL, "Mother where's the ottoman I brought in here for you to prop your feet up?". (last time she was here, she did some re-arranging of things, unsolicited btw .. and she thought the ottoman, .. from the living room, a more suitable footrest than the coffee table that MIL currently uses). MIL had me set that right back the way it was, when SIL last left here.
MIL explaining that the coffee table, to prop her feet, works just fine for her. SIL arguing .. "but the ottoman,..??...you don't like it, it's cushioned, it's softer .. ". MIL responding .. "No S I don't .. I want the ottoman in the living room where it's supposed to be, .. I spent weeks here getting my house back in order after you left".
Next up: "Mother where's your glass of water, .. let me get you a glass of water, here you sit not drinking a thing .. you're supposed to be drinking, why aren't you drinking anything?".
MIL: "S .. I just can't get up and do anything ...".
SIL hands her a glass of water, notices the empty dog bowl on the way to do so.
"Mother the dog's bowl . he doesn't have water either, .. has he been fed today ???.. have you even fed him, your poor dog, you with no water, the dog with no water".
She goes to fill the dog bowl and get out the dog food to feed poochy. I sit .. just quietly observing.
SIL then questioning the elephant like feet/ankles ..
"Mother your feet/ankles, they're atrocious .. .. OMG .. how long have they been like that".
MIL answers that they stay that way.
SIL now looking closer at the swelling, .. "what's that bruising .. discoloration going on there, .. why is the right leg more swollen .. isn't it usually the left leg that swells more .. what's with that bruising .. did you run into something .. did you fall, what's that discoloration, when did that start".
MIL answering .. "it's been that way for a few days ... I can't do anything about it anyway .. so ....".
SIL now pushing some on the bruised/discolored area, feeling of it to see if it feels warm to the touch .. no it doesn't .. asks her mom if it hurts .. no it doesn't, questions whether the neuropathy would prevent her feeling it maybe being sore and tender .. SIL now questioning . could it be a blood clot .. then pulling up phone to go to Dr. Google. No she didn't think that was it. I interjected, "Probably best a doc take a gander at that". No response.
Still no answer on that .. and truthfully I myself haven't seen that before. I've seen it when she's had cellulitis that has developed .. but that isn't what this is. This looks like big bruising on her lower leg .. but there are no punctures or abrasions that would indicate maybe having smacked her leg on anything.
SIL now .. with the whole, "Well maybe we need to
(Are you going to warn SIL about the stinky stew that may await her in MIL's house?)
Mom liked saying - It takes a brave person to get old. And I agreed. No, nothing about it all is easy!
It was so audacious how SIL started trying to command your daughter and the neighbors and that stupid ink cartridge stuff was beyond the pale! Think I would have called her on that one - ie “Get it yourself. Order it online. Help me out here, sis! We already do way more than enough!”
Ah well - that stage is the past now. (hopefully) Can’t go back. But when SIL starts calling to vent about her new situation, simply commiserate, and ask (if you want) how you can help SIL. There will be ways maybe - like doing some research, or amazon ordering or stuff like that. Trips IF you choose to respite SIL briefly may be greatly appreciated in the future. But clearly MIL can never go back to her home, alone. They must respect that as YOUR stance in any decision that is made by DH and SIL in the future.
“I will never approve of that decision, thus I refuse to be involved in ANY way shape or form if I am out-voted in the home alone decision. Sorry - DH or SIL, I will not participate in that very bad decision. You will not persuade me to swerve. Best of luck to both of you if you choose this, and I do love you both.” Yeah - It IS hard. For sure!!!