I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Now finally you can run to the bathroom yourself, . and then you get back to the car .. and off you go again.
Til ..??.....what 2 hours later .. when you need to stop again.
Yes, cumbersome, yes she has all the time in the world ...
But the job is best suited for two people along .. one as Poochy's handler, and another as MIL's handler.
Ridiculous that it takes that much, but that's the absolute portrayal of it all.
Then ............ if you're gonna get something to eat somewhere, .. it's gonna have to be on the fly .. not every place is pet friendly .. and her driving ..she's gonna have to have had that mapped out well in advance, .. "oh okay well I see at exit so and so, .. in such and such city, we can pull off and go to ___________ Cafe .. they allow poochies to come along. But she better have mapped that out well in advance, .. not gonna be driving and looking on smartphone .. nor is MIL equipped to do that .. she wouldn't know which end of the smart phone to start with.
Maybe she should've planned it that way .. and just allowed herself a good two or three weeks to do it all. Maybe. Not what she opted for in the end.
BUT .. let me paint a little picture of how it all works with her.
You pull into a rest area now off the highway so that MIL can get to the bathroom to relieve herself, stretch her legs, get up and walk a bit.
You also have Poochy to contend with in this setting. He too will need to go relieve himself. So you think fine, .. SIL go take Poochy on his leash .. let him do his biz . .. let MIL hobble along on the walker you've just unfolded from the backseat and make her way into the bathroom.
Nope not so easy.
It's a lot for even Magical Thinking SIL to do on her own. I did offer at one point, if she'd like me to go along with her, to make this drive and I'd fly home. No she didn't want that option . .. would take far too long. (not sure what is so pressing on her end, that taking "too long" was an impediment).
So you've been cruising along .. and then time to stop at rest area. So you pull into parking spot. Poochy now sensing he may get to get out and bounce around some and sniff some new smells and go relieve himself, is wide awake now and itching to get out.
Oh but you have MIL .. so you tell her, "okay sit tight MIL, let me get him out and get some of this taken are of then I'll come to get you out of the car and we'll deal with getting you to the bathroom".
Fine right?
So, assuming she is at a point her need isn't pressing and can sit tight for a few mins .. so you go take Poochy on his leash and let him sniff about and take care of his biz and stretch his legs a bit. Now time to turn around and go get MIL out of the car.
Well first, . hang onto Poochy there with that leash .. and grab that walker out of the back and unfold it for her, .. all while hanging onto Poochy with that leash.
Then get that walker out and unfold it, stand it by where MIL now needs to climb out of her seat and come to a standing positon .. hold onto the walker a bit and steady her too .. while she attempts this feat .. all while holding onto Poochy and his leash (and lest you think, oh for crying out loud, secure Poochy back in the car, and then deal with her, oh no no no .. nope .. Poochy will just hop right back out, now unleashed .. because you have the door open working at this point to get her out of the car, no .. have to hang onto him also, or at least secure his leash real well around the rear view mirror, or some damn something .. can't just put him back in the car .. and forget leaving him in the car with the windows cracked .. oh no no no. Not with hot summer temps.
So you hang onto Poochy all while helping her to get to a standing position .. and once she's standing .. now holding onto the walker, .. now she can begin to put one foot forward and make some forward progress ... all while you're still holding onto Poochy.
So you go with her, inching along .. inch by inch, ever slowly .. her on the walker, .. because .. she might fall .. GOD FORBID .. what if she fell. So you walk along with her, inch by inch ... Poochy along for the visit to the ladies room.
She goes into the handicap stall there, .. to do her biz .. and takes forever .. then she finally exits the handicap stall (assuming it wasn't occupied when you first got in there) .. and now you can begin the trek back to the car ... slowly .. slowly, inch by inch.
Get her back to the car .. and now .. get her .. oh boy here we go .. so hard to watch her try to get to a seated positon with legs that are so weak . the muscles don't work well, to steady her to lower down to seating . she has to just flop .. so be ever so careful she doesn't flop into what is the doorway of the auto and down onto the pavement .. no .. be careful be careful ... slowly .. and you holding onto Poochy. And finally got her into the seat in the auto .. and now stretch that belt around for her, her arthritic hands .. stretch that .. and get her buckled into her seat.
Since SIL has all the time in the world, I pictured her perhaps flying to FL, getting Big Mama squared away, then renting a top-of-the-line minivan for the trip to IL. More stuff could be packed (for better or for worse). No issues with the dog, aside from his usual high-maintenance bullsh*t.
If the trip takes 3 times as long as it would for anyone else, who cares? Neither SIL nor MIL maintain much of a schedule.
And since SIL is such a whiz-bang at texting, surely she could use her magic phone to find a pet-friendly motel, as each day winds down??
Too little, too late — I know. Just thinking out loud.
A) Get up and get down some narrow aisle on a moving airplane to get to the bathroom .. even with her daughter there to hang onto her. Too narrow for her daughter to be of any help really.
B) Go into said bathroom and have any hope of *cleaning herself up*.
It's not gonna happen.
SIL is gonna have a tough choice to make here in a few days, if things don't drastically improve for her mom.
1. Cancel and re-schedule in the hopes that whatever date she further designates won't find some other health calamity at play. And then, she can work to put in order all this ESA stuff again, for Poochy, quite the feat she's already worked to achieve for the present scheduled flight.
2. Throw the depends on . and hope that it contains any blow out .. and does so in the 2 hours plus some change it will take for the duration of this flight .. and then she can, head straight to the nearest public restroom for clean up duty before departing for her residence.
Which one will it be? I don't know.
Did she pay for an upgrade?
I did, at one time, when this was talked about, suggest first class and we would help her. It was said, "Oh I don't think we need to do that?
Denial/Avoidance. Call it what you want.
Said she was going to try some Immodium, see how that works.
She does have a wheelchair reserved. I can't remember when it might've been that she last flew that maybe she had one of us haul her to the airport and it was a kiss g'bye at the door and her off and on her way.
Wheelchair .. mode of getting to and fro, since I can't remember when. Even back when she used a cane and that sufficient for her needs (balance/mobility) even then .. and that commenced probably right after her 2004 stroke .. she was, even then .. in a wheelchair to get through the airport and on to the plane.
She hasn't been anywhere in years. Remember, .. she took Poochy (he's 12 I think) .. and when he was maybe more a puppy and could fit under the seat in front of her in a soft carrier .. she took him along. He has long since gotten too big for that. She then boarded him one time, so she could go to see her daughter. But she missed him so much that she said she'd never go again .. he can't go .. I won't go. And no, checking him .. as others do with their pets, not an option she'll partake of.
So it's been years since she's flown anywhere.
Of the things SIL listed as far as what's been consumed on her end, none of it anything that sends up flares in my view, as to aggravating her Diverticulitis .. so I don't know, did this ever subside, like she says it did .. momentarily .. or was it ever present? I don't know.
If it's been ever present and hasn't subsided, then we are now starting into what equates to 3 week .. with Diarrhea ongoing. She needs further investigation IMO .. but I don't get heard .. I stay out of it.
SIL throws out there the lamentations and I offer what I think viable solutions to consider (might want to pay for first class .. we'll help you) .. so I stay out of it.
Yes indeed that's gonna be interesting .. if it's a full plane.
First off, they will board MIL and Poochy and SIL first. So they'll get into their seats .. and that leaves that window seat .. (SIL should've just paid for all 3 seats .. to prevent that one from being used .. but I dunno .. do airlines let you pay for a seat without a name to attach to it?, I dunno). But anyway .. MIL with the aisle seat .. SIL next to her in the middle seat .. Poochy on one of their laps .. and then here come Passenger 3 for that row of seats .. and now has to squeeze by (and we know that aint gonna be possible .. too tight on these rows of seats) squeeze by MIL who can't just simply stand up to let the other person enter, to approach what is their seat, next to the window. Gonna be interesting.
Wonder if that river of Denial is becoming a little more clear to her.
I am a "small" person--but I when I walk down the aisles I often have to turn sideways so not as to bump anyone.
I BET that SIL went cheap on the seats, even Economy Upgrade (or whatever they're pretending not-quite-first-class is a snug fit. The ONLY way this is going to not be pure-d he&& is if SIL rebooks for 2- 1st class seats. Yep, she'll pay more than twice what it should have cost, but she is now planning (without knowing it) more than 2 hours with angry, angry people. They're going to board MIL and poochy first---then it takes up to 30 minutes to fill the rest of the plane. Poochy will start barking and snapping---and if enough people complain, they will have her removed from the plane completely.
Heaven forfend she has to use the restroom--I'm all of 5'2" and I have panic attacks in those things. How is MIL going to change her own Depends?
These are ?? I WOULD be nosy enough to inquire about, since the last thing in the world you wnat is to get a text 20 minutes after the plane leaves---and they got kicked off.
Can you find out where the seats are? Since you said "3 to a row" it's not 1st class.
I'm sure that there will be stories told by all on that plane after the fact.
I guess in MY way of thinking, first class is the ONLY way to travel with the infirm. Even "2nd class" is no picnic. Flying is awful, in the best of situations---this flight is going to be epic.
Having recently been on a airplane trip, the aisles are getting smaller and smaller, and the seats are smaller too, but could be my Azz is wider than the last trip too!
I seriously hope that SIL has booked the Bulkhead seats, or first row past first class! MIL is going to need All that extra leg room, plus room for poochy too, plus there is No Way she will be able to manage to walk down more than a few rows at best. I'm starting to worry now, what with SIL's whinnying!
She can't even hang long enough to do .. the doc visit I might haul her to, and lunch out .. she's done for .. completely finished .. that has done her in, .. completely spent.
Folks, when I said this all to begin with .. that she .. in any hurricane event that might crop up .. ties our feet to the floor here .. whether we'd wanna leave or not .. I meant just that. She can't travel ..
She can't sit for long periods of time ... she has such mobility issues that getting up and down (which are crucial to her) ... is such a struggle ..
I cannot even imagine putting her in any auto to start out on what would take me, if I drove straight thru 20 plus hours to do. I can't even imagine it.
You'd get no more than maybe .. oh 4 or 5 hours out of her, in any given 24 hour period and she'd be done for .. and that 4 or 5 hour period .. you would've stopped numerous times to let her get out .. which takes FOREVER ... and go to the bathroom, which also takes FOREVER .. and then back to the car, which takes FOREVER .. and then back into the car seat .. which takes FOREVER ..
A trip that is 20 plus hours would end up taking an entire week .. of going in and out of hotels ... ADA hotels that are pet friendly mind you .. and poochy along to be cared for by whomever is doing this ...
A plane flight that takes 2 hours and some change ... much better option. Yes, she may have to pack along some xtra Depends and make a stop in the public bathroom once at the other end of this destination (direct flight, no stops) .. and maybe have to be helped to clean up ..
Not a chance in H377 she'd be anyone of a candidate to traverse her way down the aisle in a moving plane .. holding onto seat backs .. and make her way to the bathroom on an airplane. And airplane bathrooms are so small .. she'd be all over the damn place .. falling in there, .. not a chance either anyone can enter that bathroom to assist her.
Same with trying to get there via an RV .. yea you could stop to be able to use the bathroom .. and at least she wouldn't have to get out .. but same problems .. her mobility .. she can't get up and move around in a moving RV .. she'd be falling all over the place. She does good to stay upright on stationary ground that isn't moving, in her house.
Sheesh is SIL gonna have her hands full!
And yes, MIL rode up one side of DH and down the other for having put glass bottles in the recycle can. "Don't ever do that again". I guess it was then he was given a copy of the memo, that household .. we're not recycling anymore, but from the sounds of it, she was quite ugly to him .. and he even said to her, .. "You mean to tell me, I've come over here to work my azz off .. after working all day and you wanna climb all over me .. for something I didn't even know??!?!??".
Didn't stop her, .. "just don't do that again".
Him .. deadpan .. "okay mom".
Sheesh!
DH talking solely to me later: "THAT is the kinda thing .. THAT VERY THING .. my brother .. he'd of told her to stick the beer bottles where the sun don't shine and he's out .. and he'd of packed up his stuff and been GONE GONE GONE! in a flash .. that's the kinda thing .. the very reason".
I agree with him.
He went on to say (thank goodness) "But I have enough insight to realize she's old .. and cranky and .. just let it go in one ear and out the other".
Said it PIZZED him off badly .. but he bit his tongue.
Found it odd that the text from SIL informing me that any outing this evening, off the table as to an option .. her with Diarrhea that has returned. She then goes down the list of things MIL has consumed the last couple of days .. all in an effort to show that nothing she has eaten would be problematic.
I then asked her if she's still taking the Cirpo (antibiotics known to cause that issue). She said no, .. not taking it anymore. That's when I suggested "Depends" as she'd voiced some worry about whether her mom will be able to fly on Thursday .. this ongoing.
Asked her if she talked to the PCP about this specific issue on Friday when she had her in there, .. since it's been ongoing now for two weeks.
Her answer was no .. they were more focused on the discoloration and edema in the legs and getting that dealt with and that the Diarrhea had subsided.
But yet when I'd told her "Depends" as a solution to her worry about flying on Thursday .. her response had been "She's been in them since I got here".
If the Diarrhea had subsided .. as she says .. thus no discussion with the PCP on Friday .. then .. why has she been in Depends since you got there ...???....that was Thursday night.
I don't know .. mysteries I'm no longer at the forefront of trying to resolve.
I do, in a sense, feel sorry for what SIL is taking on board to deal with. But I also have a "serves ya right" thought process. In that, .. this alarm has been sounded for quite some time .. none of this is anything new. You chose to ignore it, .. peril is now yours .. for the wear.
Also of note ... (geeze .. I know she doesn't feel well, and she's a LOT, these days, overwhelmed with the whole having to uproot notion). DH was over there yesterday afternoon/evening .. to clear her gutters, .. for them to badger him as to the auto issue, .. for him to change the padlock or whatever on the gate/fence. Along with the myriad of other "fixit" chores he is routinely called to do.
I guess he didn't get the memo when SIL was last here. "We are no longer recycling here .... mom doesn't use enough to really count for a recycle pickup per se .. and she damn sure can't drag the recycle can to the street .. or out of her garage anymore, for pickup ... and the neighbor has been kind enough to agree to come get her garbage can weekly, and drag it out of the garage for her, for pickup .. didn't want to ask him to come an add'l day to now drag the recycle out for the few things she might use in a week's time that are recyclable, so I told her, just don't recycle anymore ... just throw your plastics and glass stuff in the trash . rather than try to get out to the garage and use the recycle can .. don't bother with it .. you don't use enough anyway to really matter".
I don't know, I guess DH didn't get that memo, or wasn't paying attention (memo used proverbially .. there was no paper memo, I'm speaking metaphorically).
Enter one DH and son in law ... a few days back, last time there was a fix it project to be seen to. There, they had a beer each .. (glass bottle) from her fridge, left there by whoever last bought beer. (She never drinks beer, .. doesn't like it).
I guess both .. having not gotten the memo .. threw their "glass" beer bottles in the recycle can in the garage. HORROR.
Enter one SIL now in town. Not sure why she'd of even opened the lid to look in what she instructed was to no longer be used, but open it she must've (MIL never gets out there) .. found two empty beer bottles, one of which I guess still had "some" fluid in it.
She must've told this to MIL .. as she then retrieved said bottles and cleaned it up.
MIL rode up one side of DH and down the other for that infraction yesterday.
She should be able to manage the flight wearing Depends and with maybe a little Immodium, I would think, and then as soon as SIL gets her to IL, she can take her to the doc there if she's still worried.
Latest word, the gut issues (Did they ever subside, or was that a fib), rearing their ugly head again.
Accdg to SIL, the little planned excursion to one last visit at the seafood dive, not an option in light of gut issues at work.
SIL intended her mom maybe get some benign grilled shrimp and plain baked potato ...shouldn't be too upsetting to tummy troubles right?
I guess she's just not able to get out.
SIL: "Really worried about being able to fly out of here Thursday"
My response: "Depends underwear"
To her response: She's been in those since I got here.
Sheesh!!!!!!!
Maybe I missed some post from way back when in which you deeply delved into your past----a light went on in my head just now, and it all makes utter sense.
We tend to migrate to places and people who make us feel wanted and needed. Even if that need is a little over the top--doesn't it feel good to have somebody acknowledge & appreciate your deeds and input? And in DH's family for a long, long time, you had that.
Sadly, we all age and not many of us do it with the dignity that we would have "chosen" if we in fact had a choice...things just creep up on us and we cannot do what we used to do and we are sitting there in a rock in the middle of the river going "Now how the heck did I get here and how am I getting out?" (My analogy is due to the fact I did exactly that, yesterday. Went fishing with DH and wandered a little too far out of the comfort zone.)
You have been taught to be a stepper upper, a step'n'fetchit, a people pleaser and have done remarkably so in those roles for years. But, you stepped a little too far out in the river and it got dangerous to stay, literally.
Things changed. You began to notice that you were spending WAAAAY more time with MIL than you felt was necessary, The twins were born. You were gently speaking to all involved and saying "hey, um, guys? We have a problem?" and meeting with a brick wall.
FF 16 months and you are screaming from the rooftops "HELP!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!!HELP!!!
Sadly, that's the way it often is. Something that can be facilitated on a daily basis by many, many people (moving MIL to better living quarters, heck even getting her daily help!) has been fought back like the plague.
And through it all, you've maintained your love for this woman who has used and abused you and make your life miserable for years. That's amazing.
Knowing how you were shunted around from home to home with a different "daddy" every few years--totally explains why you stay solidly by DH's side when he is so dang clueless. This is marriage for good, bag and ugly!
I have no grand words of wisdom. Just feel some leftover pain for what you went through as a child.
Be supportive as you feel the need to be for the departure, Keep calm. MIL is going to be throwing 12 kinds of fits and I am really wondering about that ESA thing--DH travels A LOT and he says all airlines (esp Delta and UA) are cracking down, big time on this. You better hope Poochy has his papers and shots.
IF this were me, the only person I'd even communicate with would be BIL. Talk about a man without a dog in the fight. Nobody seems to care about HIM.
Oh--and MIL's PT? What a hoot. She never does it at home, why suddenly is this such a big deal?
6 more days.....keep repeating that and sadly, don't be surprised if something goes south in those 6 days. Fingers crossed.
But it does, if I reflect on it, explain some of how this all fell the way it did. It makes sense.
And yes, probably also in part, .. at least in my case, why I have had such hard time with not being heard. Maybe in my bio family there is a realization I won't be heard .. I don't matter. Long since established. But in DH's family .. not so .. or so I thought.
All of what you relate is probably why it bothers you so, not feeling heard in this whole mess with MIL. I don't blame you. Your feelings DO matter, and sometimes you have to take care of you if nobody else will listen, which is why you've drawn some good boundaries. You'll probably have to with your parents as well.
On another, positive note, I am really, really hoping for you that MIL gets on that plane in a few days. I think she will. You need a well-deserved break and to be able to enjoy time with your DH and grandbabies without worries.
DH was over there yesterday evening to attend to some fixit chores. He says his mom's feet/ankles .. they look like coffee cans in their circumference. His words: "She so needs to be going with my sister, she just can't take care of herself anymore".
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This isn't new!
Said there was talk on their end .. one last visit to that favorite little seafood dive not far from where MIL lives .. today. I asked of DH, "is she able to go there?, .. I know the doc upped her dose of Lasix to rid her of all that fluid .. she should be .. should be a situation she can't get too far from a bathroom at this point".
He looked at me, and only responded with a look of not knowing that piece in all this, "I dunno ... it was them, they're the ones that suggested it, so I guess .. I dunno".
Flight is to depart on Thursday .. countdown on.
I asked DH if they had him look at the car, .. he said they asked, but he told them there's nothing he can do with it, .. they'd just need to dx what's wrong with it.
So he fixed whatever he could there, as to the padlock on the fence/gate .. and he cleared the gutters out .. and blew off the deck outside .. and that was it, and he was back here/home.
Having forced themselves to now depart the bar scene to go take care of those pesky appendages at home waiting for something to eat, and maybe if it isn't too late, begrudgingly .. whatever homework assignment of project due at school.
This is where my brother and I lived, from there forward, visiting dad and his setting on weekends, until I got old enough I had a life of my own .. and didn't want to spend every-other-weekend there.
Eventually, when I was a senior in high school the alcoholic stepdad died, (recreational diving accident, scuba diving). By that time, I was dating what would become my husband eventually and all I wanted was that picket fence, and the 2.5 kids (the picture that doesn't exist in reality).
Graduated high school, went to work as a sect'y .. stayed home another year or two .. living at home, mom now single (widowed). Mom on the dating scene and gone a lot, which suited me just fine . house to myself. She'd also by that time, taken a job that had her traveling a lot.
Got engaged to be married, planned that, .. got married, and almost simultaneously she moved about 3 hours away with her job, taking both brothers with her (still minors).
In DH's family I found a group of folks, .. gee .. they aren't alcoholics hanging in bars nightly .. they have groceries, .. they actually cook meals .. and eat together .. they actually do things together, .. summers weren't spent pawning kids off to whatever direction .. and spent doing things as a family .. going on family vacations .. whoa .. I think I could like these folks.
And there ya have it. So .. in that family I found a place where I "fit".
LOL .. seriously. You have to also know though .. I happened upon DH's family at a time they were sure he was going to prison or going to be dead, .. the wild buck he'd been and into any and all mischief he could find, and then some. His mom likely in the throes of menopause and at the tail end of child raising . he's the baby of their family .. sick of him .. and for someone to happen along into his life . their lives .. someone family oriented, someone with a level head on their shoulders (me) .. someone that seemingly grounded him better .... I think they'd of given me the moon if they could've just to get him off their hands ..
So ... yea, . "all that I did for Narcissa" .. indeed. There is a basis for why it ended up looking like it did.
My mom .. she'd moved away .. and all through the years .. she on the dating scene. In fact, one of my most troubling memories .. only because .. it's not how I've done things and I knew always I wouldn't do it that way when my day comes. When I had my first child .. and she'd come (ostensibly) to help ..
She was (she lived out of town at that point, oh but she had her guy friend here, that she still was in contact with). The reality of her "help" with this newborn, and me a new mom. She would change a diaper maybe ... maybe. But was mostly off and gone with her local guy friend .. and stayed there, not at my house .. helping. I knew .. one day when it's my turn, .. and I have g'kids .. I won't do it that way and I didn't. When DD began with having her kids .. (the only child of mine that has kids) .. I was very much on the front helping, as directed by her, and then backing off to let them have at it, .. as directed. She would tell you that my help was a Godsend .. and I'm happy to say that I enjoy my g'kids to the fullest extent I'm able to.
So yea, there is a reason for why things look the way they do .. and ... yea .. it's something that my parents ..either of them .. likely wouldn't deserve in the end, in my hopping in, knee deep to be much help to them. But we'll see when that day comes.
"Look at all I did for Narcissa for so long" indeed. A psychiatrist would probably have a field day with all this. My layperson assessment would be that in DH's family I probably found a place that I "fit", finally. A slot for me, where I mattered.
My parents divorced as I said, when I was only like maybe 5 or 6 yo. I don't even think I have any memories really of them as married folks in the same household. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe there was a lot of bickering and such.
In those days, early 60's .. I don't think there was as much known or cared about as to how "divorce" impacts children. Seems there is some improvement on that front these days .. and a clearer understanding of co-parenting, and step/blended families, etc.
We, brother and myself, lived with my mom .. at first. I don't know .. to hear my mom tell it (I was a mere child, what did I know, except we were dirt poor) .. my dad did all he could to make sure that child support payment was as meager as could be, in the courts. I believe that was probably true in those days.
Was this done on purpose on his part, so that he could then take custody of myself and my brother? I don't know. But we did end up going to live with my dad .. mom just couldn't afford us.
I do have some vague memories of that setting, before he was even remarried. And of course, we'd do the obligatory every-other-weekend with the non-custodial parent.
And of course, ... every summer of our young lives, .. shipped off several states away to spend the entire summer with maternal g'ma. All summer. At the time, it wasn't anything I wanted to do, to leave my friends and have to be shipped off all summer. But .. retrospectively some of my fondest memories are in those stays with my g'ma.
Somewhere in all that, .. my mom re-married and had a baby. Not like this other guy had been gingerly brought into the fold .. and introduced .. and a cohesion of blending a new family was attempted. There was just this stepdad now, and a new baby on the way (the brother that is now weathering the tragedy at his end of the world, with the injured young man).
That particular stepdad ... was very much an alcoholic .. (mom can really pick em) ... not abusive per se, in his drinking, but very much a struggle in keeping groceries in the house. Bar tab had to be paid weekly before anything else. Still, custody in my dad's hands though .. but shipped off every summer to my g'ma's.
Also somewhere in it all, there was a new stepmom with a daughter of her own, 3 years older. No blending there, no approach of introducing this new person that would become part of our lives, she was just there, as was her daughter .. and this is now your stepmom.
My dad, very much in those days, on the road, traveling for his job .. and the picture you see of a stepmom that is uncaring .. and maybe aloof .. and very much favors their own offspring and maybe even somewhat resentful of being left with these little heathens (my brother and myself) .. is about accurate of that scene.
Eventually my brother and I petitioned we wanted to live with mom. And so it would be. We were now moved to the other side of town, with my mom and her husband and half brother (the alcoholic stepdad).
In that setting, ... I very much (at the age of about 12 now) became the live-in sitter for the younger brother. Suited me in those days anyway .... my own little living/breathing baby doll to play with in a little brother that was now maybe 3 years old. That allowed that my mom .... (thru and thru a man lover, first and foremost) .. could then follow my stepdad nightly to the bars .. and be with him.
Many nights .. most of them .. no groceries in the house .. but they'd eventually saunter in .. with whatever takeout they'd picked up along the way ... I guess, having forced themselves
So that tells me that you will jump into the fray. (I might be wrong, but this is what I'm reading between the lines.) Your mother knows what you did for Narcissa, has actually stayed (in the Yellow Bedroom?) for a year, and so I'm pretty sure she would expect you to jump in once again to bail her out. Never mind that she says she wouldn't do it. Her finances might force you to do the same again. And, as you noted, what she says now might not be what she wants then.
And your father? Sounds like he needs a lot of hands-on care with his multiple medical issues. You wonder what would happen if your stepmother died before he does. Isn't this the father that basically abandoned you, and preferred his new family? Since that is the case, I don't understand why you would do much of anything at all (other than picking out his facility, if no one else will do it; actually, this might be a good plan for you and your brothers to do together -- work together to get him into a facility). I certainly hope that you wouldn't become HIS stepandfetchit and/or (even part-time) hands-on caregiver.
So I do fear that you will bear the brunt of your parents' caregiving. Look what you did for Narcissa for years, and she isn't even your blood relative.
You have a kind, generous spirit (far more so than mine!), and of course you will do what you feel is right. It's just that you deserve so much more than to sacrifice your life to parents who apparently didn't do such a good job of parenting. Your brothers aren't going to sacrifice themselves, so I have to wonder why you would. Once Narcissa has gone to that cloud in the sky and H finally retires, the two of you deserve a nice retirement unencumbered by yet more needy elders.
As I type - the check engine light is on in dh’s Lexus - which really is the same as a Toyota. How do I know about the light? Cause it’s been on for months and months - and months and months prior to that.
Periodically hubby goes and gets it reset and it will stay off for varying lengths of time. But then it’s back. We’ve given up worrying about it - it never is an indication of anything serious (I hope I didn’t just jinx it).
The only time it’s a bother is when it’s time for new tags and we have to take it through DEQ. Their computer will pick it up and they won’t pass the car with it on. So - off to get it reset prior - lesson learned there.
My car is a SUV and my check engine light goes on every now and then. We’ve figured out that it has something to do with the fact I don’t drive much and when I do it’s almost always just a quickie for groceries. It’s like something doesn’t get burned all the way through in the gas/exhaust system. So hubby takes it for a week driving to work - he has about a 45 minute commute one way and almost all freeway - so after about a week of that the light will go off in its own.
I think Bkackhole is correct - check engine lights are for sissy’s.
Maybe it has to do with what kind of insurance one has. Not sure.
On the specialty dog foods/treats .. I did suggest one point to SIL, .. "can't that be ordered onlilne?". Answer given, .. "Probably but we'd have to get the rx from the doc".
I never pursued that path .. to get ahold of the rx. Apparently she didn't either. If MIL were not leaving here, I would probably take that mission on .. in earnest.
Contact vet, have them email the rx .. and then forward on to mail order company.
But ... the next problem would've truthfully been, .. the canned food of the specialty food she gets .. (she gets canned, .. she gets these little dry pebbles that she mixes in with some of the canned, and she gets specialty treats). Of those canned foods she gets .. if that were delivered and left on her front porch .. it would be a problem for her to bend over and pick it up .. too heavy .. she can't bend over without falling.
Then the problem would've been, "Dorker can you come over here, they delivered that canned food and left it on my doorstep .. but if I bend over to try to pick it up .. I'l be sprawled out on the front porch .. I can't bend over without falling".
She'd of had to then reach out to a neighbor .. if she'd do so, and ask that they come bring it in for her.
Gawd! Something that is so simple for most of us. Take one step down onto the front porch .. bend over, pick up whatever has been delivered .. turn around, take the one step back up into the house .. and carry said item into the house.
She can't do that.
Or .. I guess I could've set it up for delivery here and haul it out there, .. for her. I could've done that.
I think I had that same gas problem, if memory serves me .. w/my prior car, a GMC. Seems I had to replace the gas cap. Simple enough fix.
But her make of auto is a Toyota .. who knows what's going on. Gas cap need replacing?, something more sinister .. who knows.
DH came in from working all day and left again to go to his mom's .. to work on the gutter that is filled with leaves .. to figure out the gate/fence/padlock thing and to (get ready) .. per SIL request, dx car problem.
I can clue ya .. if the dealership and their diagnostic equipment couldn't tell her without more investigation .. he's not likely gonna be able to do much with that latter issue.
How is it SIL gets thru life without any ability to switch gears easily ..
My only guess on that .. her husband .. truly he is a shell of a person .. nice/kind .. caring .. patient . .many great qualities . but he is a shell, as defined several times here. She has to make all the decisions around there .. my guess .. she is able to just do things the way she wants/when she wants/how she wants/where .. etc .. she's the one in charge in their household, very much so .. thru and thru, not much input anywhere else. Thus, I don't guess she's had to learn to navigate how to change gears .. she just does whatever needs doing without impediment of someone else's input and/or wants.
FL doctor is not licensed to practice in IL.
This happened to my sister. She went to a daughters home to recuperate after a procedure that required rehab before having surgery. Daughter lived in a neighboring state. She had to see a different doctor in daughters state before she could get PT.
This is not all bad. SIL should have a dr for MIL in IL anyway for this visit and future visits. A geriatric primary is what she needs.
I wouldn’t mention this to SIL. She will find out soon enough and perhaps the law is different in IL. from where my niece lived.
Years ago I had a Nissan and as others have mentioned here, the check engine light would come on every time I failed to get the gas cap back on perfectly threaded. I always had to take the car to a auto service to get it "reset."
How has she not embraced the sanity saving aspects of the Internet....go online, find car rental deal, book car, go get car. Go to Amazon and order any thing imaginable, to be delivered in two days. Geez, I just got special socks in the mail for DH...yes, I could’ve scouted them out in a local store, but it’s all about energy conservation (mine).
My therapist also of the ilk, .. they need to knock it off, the airlines ..
I cannot believe airlines can continue to incur the expense of compensating aggrieved customers, all in favor of this farce. I predict it will all change .. in the not too distant future.
As to the car SE .. and so forth. I agree with what others have noted here, if nothing else go to the local corner oil change box store .. they can plug it in .. and check for whatever the reading is. Absent that (which apparently was done at the dealership level .. and nothing found) .. then I would go on the assumption nothing is seriously wrong, .. since the car seems to be running fine.
And I'd do what has been suggested, .. allow that DH or myself get it in, .. and have it taken care of once they've departed.
Absent that as any solution, I don't really care.
Have no idea how many more errands there are to be seen to. Certainly not dog treats, that was done on the way in from the airport. (insert snarky grin)
I'm not gonna let it bother me. I offered what I thought to be a viable solution. That doesn't suit . then fine .. do whatcha want.
But again - honestly, this may cease to be any sort of problem for anyone. Mightn't it.
Suppose there is a major fault and the thing blows up as they pull in tonight and will never run again.
Doesn't matter. SIL can hire a car, if need be, and leave it at the airport. No?
Failing that worst case scenario, then, both you and DH are competent drivers and free to fix an appointment convenient to yourselves to get the car serviced at any time. No?
So it absolutely isn't a problem. Don't allow it to be made a problem. The only sensible reply to SIL's or MIL's concerns is: "don't worry about it, it's under control."
Privately, you might also reflect that what will actually need doing in due course is servicing, valeting and sale. Which either of you, again, is more than capable of seeing to.
Never fret, all in good time.