I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
out chasing skirts . the very thing that my mom tells (I was too young, what do I know) . that broke up their marriage.
I don't remember one single time that I sat w/her on the sofa or whatever and her read a book . or ask me about a book I was reading . or any other little special moment where maybe she shared in my joy over some happening .. not one single time. It truly was . reflecting back on it, . a sense that .. she was doing all she could to just tolerate the fact that these two little sea rats came as a pkg deal in marrying my dad.
I'm sure she probably celebrated and jumped for joy . when at the age of 12 . I put in that I wanted to move, and live with my mom. She probably had a party.
I try really hard to look back upon and dig up "good memories" of those days and they aren't there. There were no .. "let's all go to brother's ball game and buy a snow cone and watch his game". There was no . "hey your bday is coming Dorker, let's go buy you a new dress . and go shopping for the day". There was no .. "oh tell me about that cute boy that you talk about at school" none of that.
It was truly a walking the tightrope of trying not to step out of line of her arbitrary rules .. rules that I guess . having lived with a guy . only a guy . dad .. we didn't have. Things like . that box of cookies in there in the kitchen . stay out of them . .things like those canned soda in the fridge . stay out of them .. (why are they there, if not to drink them?) .. stay in your bedrooms until you can hear we are up for the day, no sleepovers .. wasn't allowed to go to them . forget having one for me. I don't know . seemed like life was a series of trying not to get in trouble more than it was anything else.
And I can remember, this speaks volumes to me now that I have been a parent for years ... I don't even remember the infractions at this point, . but I would suppose one might've been (cuz I wasn't a good studious student) . maybe I didn't do my book report . and so note home to parents. And so .. later, when dad would come in . it would be to my room . for some discipline and yes, he'd counsel and chide, . but then he'd break out the notebook, to hit it .. to make the sound that I got a spanking.
What was that about??!?!?!? Was he not satisfied unless she heard that one of the sea rats was getting beaten? Was that to satisfy her? What's the point ...???... Either you're upset with your child for some infraction and you're going to give a few swats to the behind or you aren't . what's the striking of the notebook a few times to mimic the sound of someone being struck. What's that?
Lived with my dad . a single dad . about the ages of 8 and 9 and suddenly at the age of 9 there was a stepmom . we were moving . and a different house, different neighborhood . . and a stepsister. People I'd never met before.
I'd like to think I'm a bigger person than all that, . and it was a L.O.N.G. time ago .. and so ... whatever .. I managed to grow up alright .. I haven't turned into a serial murderer . not yet.
But all that to say . one gets to feeling a bit of pity for K . in the plight she's in at present . her mind slipping . and her tenuous grasp on the one thing that matters to her, . her anchor in her insanity . my dad .. slipping away. One begins to feel a bit sorry for her .. but then you remember her indifference, detachment to what were . KIDS .. innocent, didn't ask for any of this KIDS.
One begins to feel a bit of sadness at dad and the end of his life . so beleagured with health issues and so frail and so compromised .. and you can't help but remember .. ya know there was a day when you made a choice . the kids you helped create became .. just items to be disposed of and thought less than .. and .. what did we . .as KIDS ever do to deserve that. Nothing.
He "allowed" it to go on . the striking of the notebook I guess to assure his wife that his kids were being aptly spanked
What happens when there is an aged married couple . and in failing health . and one of them wants to go .. and the other is dug in like an Alabama tick and not budging.
Can't be the only couple that has ever faced this. What happens? I'm sure old couples face this same dilemma all over the world . routinely. I guess a crises precipitates placement for one of them .. and the other stays behind and goes to visit .. in the NH . or the other one finally caves and joins em there to take up residence.
At times like this .. I can't help but to think back on the days of my youth .. spent living there. The unfairness . .really. I was a kid . .and yea . sensed .. it ain't right here. I see how other parents do with their kids . that's not what goes on here. I knew it, even as a kid .. but powerless to change any of it of course.
I don't have stepkids but I have to think if I did .. I know for a fact if my DH was a parent to steps . he wouldn't of tolerated what my dad did in her .. oh detachment from us as the urchins he brought into the marriage .. I know my DH . he likes kids too much to put up with that.
I would like to think I would've been more welcoming and embrace the whole setting better than she did. I would hope I would've ...
The thing that stands out so stark to me .. is that I didn't ever meet her . and suddenly there was a wedding .. and a new stepmom and an older stepsister ..
I never even knew this person . me or my brother. How they dated, .. and we didn't ever meet .. I dunno. We were . as kids .. swapped back and forth on wknds .. and so I guess their dating life . was absent our presence, that's all I can figure.
Maybe that's the way it was done back in the mid to late 60's . kids were to be seen and not heard. Maybe kids weren't given any consideration at all, when it came to blending families . maybe that was how it was done in that day. Don't think that's much the case these days .. I hope not.
Suddenly we were moving . into another neighborhood, . across town . and a different house .. and in that house, .. the garage was under construction to turn it into the master bedroom/bathroom. The former . what would've been the master and bathroom given to older stepsister and strictly forbidden that brother and myself even darken the doorway of that bedroom of older stepsister, the little sea rats that we were, I guess.
I remember we snuck in there at one time when no one was at home . .she had hamsters . we wanted to see what this was all about .. and so snuck in there .. I don't even remember how it was found out we'd been in there, but it was . and trouble was the name of the game behind that. Of course, . it was like forbidden fruit . of course, we wanted to see what was behind that forbidden door .. we were kids. What made her so special that her bedroom was forbidden territory? My brother's room wasn't forbidden from me, nor mine from his (though sometimes I wished it was). What made her so separate and apart . that she was .. and her things . so much better and not to be dallied with by the likes of us.
It wasn't at all a scene where there is now this blended family and you see older sister sitting to play barbie dress up with now younger stepsister (me) or playing Monopoly . or puzzles . or whatever . with these newfound younger siblings. Not even close. Very very separate and apart. Very much so.
Who made that rule, who set that tone . as the order of the HH? And why? I wouldn't do that .. if I had step kids .. I know I wouldn't . kids are just that, they're kids .. they sense it if they aren't wanted . what did we do to cause that we wouldn't be wanted.
My dad worked a lot . long hours . at the office (or who knows, maybe he was
How different had your dad thought, "cancer.... dementia wife - let's sell the house and get into a continuing care facility" Picked on out. Hired a manager to deal with the LTC, meds, insurance, etc. Sold up and moved.
Well - he is getting what he planned for. Dorker doesn't have any authority to make decisions for her dad or K.
Go out of town Dorker - the chit will fall where it may. I predict that K will be Baker acted and in a facility before your dad is even halfway through PT.
Yikes - but you have a great writing style - this is my soap opera fix for the day.
NOW he asks Dorker if she knows a place? Passed that stop waaay back there.
Best outcome now is LTC with appropriate setting for him & K. Either together or separate - maybe on different floors but they can visit.
I am impressed Dorker has managed to go forward with an intact relationship with step-sister so far. With honesty (+ a necessary therapeutic lie) respect & boundaries.
Full steam ahead to the LTC!
As far as Dorkers responsibility to K? I am reminded of a saying I once heard:
”Be good to your children. They will be the ones picking out your nursing home”.
She's to write a referral for xfer next week to the next site in the journey . and from there, .. the hope is he can begin to get stronger and make some more informed decisions . as to his next stop or stay there or whatever.
Asked for her input as to this whole "confidential" thing and she could only add to that conversation with the following: Sounds to me like you're doing about the only thing you can do .. generally when we see this kinda thing . there are one or two individuals that are the contact, . sometimes it's the result of abuse . or sometimes like your case some dementia . and generally speaking . that one or two persons who are designated are the contact folks . and how they handle it as to letting LO's know as to the goings on .. is kinda up to them . not unheard of that they simply don't respond . maybe as you're doing passing word along as you see fit, to the daughter to stepmom .. let her deal with her mom . and let it be at that. I did talk to your dad to see if he was willing to lift the confidential status and no . he doesn't wish to do so . not now . wants to focus on getting himself better, says he can't deal w/her right now. We have to honor what our patient requests.
So that was about that, as to convo with CM.
I did pass along to stepsister as to the fluid in the lungs, the Lasix . the oxygen . the different medical points . passed along to her that he will be xfer'd next week at some point (left it vague as I don't wish to ratchet up anyone's expectations as to what day/time/place, etc etc) .. some point next week, will be xfer'd to a LTC site . for further rehab and that insurance pays for continued care for rehab .. that was verified. Passed that along to her, and she simply responded: Thank you.
That was that.
I went on with my day of what I needed to accomplish this afternoon outside of elder issues ..
K hasn't called anymore. BLEW up my phone all AM . but stopped now.
Hate it for her, .. but not enough that I'm going to get in the middle of it .. her daughter can deal with her.
And so yes . it sounds like . and we'll see, . that dad is wanting to explore . the setting of LTC . and .. of course, at this point, not known what he would be suitable for .. maybe if brought back to the level he was at not long ago, before atrophy from no PT . .before UTI . before Sepsis . (who knows)...maybe ALF .. w/meals on site, . med management as a component . and so forth. Maybe who knows.
But whose to say what level he'll return to. As has been pointed out here, and I've seen it myself .. each time some malady hits them it takes a little more and a little more of any functionality with it . .and so who knows.
The CM talking some in his presence about the cost at some of these settings . and that it can depend . there are some that are very posh and they are also very costly . and some that are nice .. nothing wrong with them . at all . and not so costly . but . that he will need to get some info on that . and weighing out whether or not he wishes to get into an all encompassing site that can also house his wife and her MC issues that will ultimately be the case for her, or whether he wishes to be entirely separate from her.
Yep .. got lots to think about.
I am to go out of town next weekend . for a long weekend . and I sit here with the dread of . "ok, I am going dammmit !!!!!!!!!!!! if it hairlips the devil, I'm going . so .. I guess he gets set in the next stop on his journey, told I'm outta pocket, need something there, you have a cadre of staff at your disposal . I won't be able to be reached"
And that is true, . going to the sticks of KY where my family all live . and it is the sticks . the hollers . .the way back in the woods hillbilly area . and no .. been there before, don't get good cell svc there.
Just like I want it. Thank you very much.
When last we tuned into "As the Stomach Turns" .. I'd sent an update to stepsister, that she may wish to reach out to her mom who had left me now, 2 voice mails, obviously anguished.
She didn't answer for a while, when she did it went like this: "I did speak to her when you updated me earlier, .. OF COURSE she's anguished, she's worried about your dad. I have told her per B's instruction . you are not taking her calls. She may not remember tomorrow. But so be it. I also explained about B not wanting to speak with her".
I sent a response to that text: Understandable. Btw, not dad's instruction, CM instruction" (dad nor CM has instructed me . I simply don't want to manage her mom . that's the crux of it, and I'll cast blame wherever I can .. I don't need to have to take any heat for something I didn't decide).
Simply clearing up to her, it wasn't "B's instruction" it was CM.
Her response: Whatever this is all driven by your dad
I sent a thumbs up emogi. Done.
So .. then in a little I get a call from CM at Rehab ..
The team has all met, . whatever. Decision made that he needs longer term care .. and will be discharged next week to so and so site .. unless I have another preference (I don't) .. essentially a SNF . for more Rehab.
Question to her, .. "why if he is need of more rehab does he not stay there?".
Her answer: "We are essentially a hospital .. once the patient is medical stabilized Medicare won't pay for them to continue here . and take up a hospital bed . so he has to go to a rehab site, for more rehab . but medical stable .. he can't be here. His insurance will pay for add'l days . in a LTC for about 3 weeks . and then beyond that, if he needs it longer, .. it will be Medicare as part, but his supplement to pick up the other portion of his stay there"
She went on to explain she's had some conversation with him . this site where he is being sent .. it has many levels of care, all the way from IL, . to AL . to SNF . to MC . .and that may be something . since he has expressed that he may need to entertain the notion of no longer living at home.. should he wish to go the route of LTC and a site for same, this specific location does house many levels of care . .. her going into further (she was in dad's room, so some of this was for his bene . to explain . some to me .. as explanation) .. her going further into .. "just because you go here, for Rehab . you may find there is some other location that is more suitable for your wants as you transition to a setting for your care, and that can certainly be possible and something for you to examine once you get a little stronger and can sort thru some of what your needs will be vs what services are offered, . vs the settings.
Asking me if I have any opposition to that as the plan . no . my response.
At that, we just talked about some of the medical issues ongoing at present, .. fluid in the lungs (Lasix) .. and catheter .. meds being given but catheter in place for now . a urology consult will take place, on site there .. on 2% oxygen . but that too they will try to wean from him .. as the fluid dissipates in his lungs .. WBC going down .. and he is participatory in PT .. 2 x's daily ..
Talked from there about the path forward . transport to LTC/SNF . .for further rehab . and yes, if catheterized they can deal with that . and yes, if still on oxygen . that too they can deal with .. medical MD on site .. sees patients there.
Her kinda . as shes' talking to me, kinda okaying with him along the way and him verbally okaying ..
Him asking out loud from the b'ground .. I can hear him saying "Is there somewhere else that Dorker might think more suitable for me, . is she aware of another site that might be more suitable".
My answer: "I am going to let CM guide that issue .. I really don't have much experience as to the locations and services for Rehab .. ".
You dad has allowed someone with diminished mental capacity to "drive the bus". Many of us here have experienced trying to help folks like this, and in the end, it ends up biting the helper and not aiding the "helpee" at all.
The ONLY was to address this is to back off. Your SIL was finally able to say to your MIL, "mom, I can't do this; I can't help YOU unless you help ME to help you".
You are in perilous waters here, Dorker, getting reeled back in. I understand that you are a compassionate and giving person, but sometimes you need to hurt folks first in order to get them to see the light.
I'm glad that your stepsister isn't blaming you for this mess, nor you blaming her. If you put your heads together and say to both of your parents "nope, not doing NOTHING until there is a psych evaluation and an acknowledgment of the deficits they BOTH have and appropriate placement" you might get some progress.
Now that your father has given you HCPOA, he's trying to give you duties, isn't he? This giving of power to you means he will be expecting you to do this or that, and the immediate (selfish) want is that YOU are the one who communicates to K.
How dare he! This is the (non)father who let you and your brother go hungry when you were children because he wouldn't pay your mother child support. This is the father who kept you on the periphery of his life. Was K the reason he wouldn't pay your mother child support?
Yes, it's all in the past, but to my mind you owe this man nothing. You have already gone above and beyond with what you have done for him. He is selfish and manipulative and just keeps demanding more. He thinks he's reeled you in. Has he?
As far as the CM not calling you, she is probably in the middle of meetings. Isn't she to be at your father's meeting sometime today? I think it's unreasonable to expect her to unravel the intricacies of your father and stepmother's relationship. and to figure out how to fix that mess. You've told her the necessary information. There is no way she is going to agree to let your stepmother bother the facility constantly with her frantic phone calls. That would be an absurd and unfair monopolization of the staff's time. The rehab's only concern is your father. Whatever he's decided as to whom will get information about him is not their concern. He is of sound mind and he has stated his wishes.
You are doing a great job in remaining detached. I would suggest that the best way to keep this detachment is to be unresponsive to any calls from stepmother and even stepsister. They are not your concern. You should not be filling either of them in as to your father's current health status, because that is just going to invite them to keep calling you.
Said the Urology clinic wants a follow up .. I expressed to her that will be a problem in his lack of being able to ambulate. She said she has a note to the doc to address that issue .. the follow up with Urology.
Told her, .. "I've tried to reach out to the CM for some guidance here" and then went into describing to her . the wife coming undone and anguished over this whole confidential status of dad's . and her inability to info as to him . or talk to him.
She said she'd get a mssg to the CM . and ask her to call me, that's the best she can do .. her words, "yea, I really don't know the family dynamics there, and so can't advise, but we'll see if I can get word to the CM to give you a call".
I guess that's all I can do for now.
Interesting thought.
Do your brothers know about dad? Maybe B, the annoying SIL could help with K.
As I sit here with incessant calling from stepmom . no she hasn't stopped calling . not every second but certainly she doesn't get an answer and tries repeatedly thru the morning here, leaving now 2 voice messages pleading for me to call her, (one of which I forwarded to her daughter, your mom is obviously very distressed might want to check on her) . .haven't heard back from stepsister .dont' know if she's called her mom to quell all this with what info she has or didn't call her, or did impart all that she was told, and it didn't quell it, I don't know.
I even contemplated engaging DH . or maybe DD .. "look I need you to do me a favor .. call stepmom . tell her that you're only awareness is that B isn't taking calls and has some kinda block on his situation there . that's all you know, and that Dorker says he's fine .. and working to get stronger, will be in touch".
I was even . in my own angst with all this . contemplating prompting someone else into all this to do the dirty work of phoning her, to try to alleviate some of her anguish.
But then I remember, ... she doesn't remember what's told to her, . then she'll just begin blowing up whomever I enlist into this . blowing up their phone with all this and .. I don't wanna do that to DD . to DH . or whomever I might enlist into it all, so I haven't .
Somehow .. I come back to square one . let her daughter deal with her .. leave it be.
Ask if they will call her.
I'd ask explicitly if they think a 911 call is a good idea. She is clearly a person in need of supervision who has none.
and I have no real on the ground knowledge as to their workings in all this .. (remember how private everything is with these folks, I don't get to be brought up to speed). All I know is that it seems there isn't a real closeness there.
I do know that in one of those sister's residences is where K was carted to the night she wandered off ..
And it was said by stepsister that both the sisters . scared of Covid .. knowledgeable that K had sat in the ER for hours w/dad, didn't want her anywhere near them ..
Do they too suffer from loss of mental faculties? I wouldn't know, everything is a dam confounded secret .. yet somehow I'm expected to "act" in all of this with my hands tied behind my back as to any real time on the ground knowledge of the inner workings of it all.
I'm not gonna do it.
She can be dealt with by her daughter . if her daughter chooses to stay outta town and no one checking on her mom's mental well being or otherwise, that's on her .. not on me. If her daughter thinks it appropriate to engage the sisters that live close by, or attempt to, or not . not on me.
I am not defending the fact, he has N.E.V.E.R. adequately addressed all this in the times when he was able bodied and could do so .. not at all.
I do, however, . .*get it* at this point with his own frailties, .. the barrage couldn't be withstood by someone with all their faculties .. much less someone in his shape . compromised as he is. I "get it" why he took the step he did. I don't get it, as to why this wasn't ever adequately dealt with .. that part, .. you're dam right, he's to be faulted .. and so is her daughter. There is absolutely zero reason the two of them couldn't of . somewhere along the continuum in all this put some gray matter to the task at hand .. "I am going to make an appt with that physician of her's if I have to pay out of pocket and make it clearly understood that she is to be seen for neuro psych eval .. she won't be with me, I'll go in on my own and get face time with he/she and make sure it's understood .. "
Neither, apparently saw fit to do so, ever.
So now it's a crises situation in that . he and his own frailties .. can't deal with her and so she gets shut out ..
I agree it's cruel, but I also agree, . it's necessary.
Even if he should do an about-face, and open up the confidential status and put in a "hi honey how are you" phone call and inform her, right this minute as to the goings on . and open his phone line and all communication .. she of broken brain doesn't absorb what's told to her, ... nor does she "trust" anyone .. that can maybe do the hand holding of "now now Ms. K . .let's calm down now, remember you talked to him about 10 mins ago, remember he said "x, y and z" he told you all there was to know . so let's calm down now" .. she doesn't "trust" anyone . he's .. as Rainmom put it, she's pizzed on him as her territory . and no one .. n.o. o.n.e. is suitable to deal with him . but her (nevermind she's got a dam broken brain and can't do it) ..
Would you recommend . that be the case at this point? That he go ahead and direct the staff there to remove that confidential status he's in . and open up the phone lines there . to her and info thereof . and phone calls from her ..
I wouldn't.
If I thought I had to deal with her (and I'm not sick and ailing) with phone calls every 10 mins . and the same questions I've already answered .. I too would block her calls, you bet I would, and I'm not sick.
Unfortunately .. she of the mentality that he is her charge .. (he really really really is .. he's an anchor to her insanity) .. with her state .. that he is the purpose, the sole reason for her existence, and only she .. can tend to him .. and no real ability to process that she isn't able to do it .. and retain that which is told to her, nor trust anyone that can maybe hold her hand and soothe her thru all this .. I don't really know what the answer is.
The answer is for her to go off the chain completely and end up in psych lock up unfortunately . where that all important cog eval can get launched. One I'm sure she'd then blame on .. "well I was completely upended, my husband MIA and now I found myself in a strange setting with people I'm unfamiliar with and them asking me questions about a damn clock and to remember numbers told to me . of course I didn't do good on that"
I don't know the answers to all this .. there is no road map to follow to navigate it all.
But what I do know is that I cannot deal with her, and him too. And so I won't.
The fact her daughter has her own mental frailties and has hi-tailed it outta town (to my knowledge, .. maybe she's back in town for all I know) .. is neither here nor there for me. I can't fix that either.
K has two sisters that live fairly close by and
What is relevant is that she is not feeding, hydrating and dispensing medication to HIM properly.
And that her lack of understanding of his needs (and that of the washing machine, lol) make home an unsuitable environment for your dad.
I thought stepsister was going to set up caregivers?
I think I'd call 911. She needs to be in a care setting.
I had a stepmonster too... she is not your responsibility. Neither is he for that matter. I would be staying as far away from that mess as possible. You are doing the right thing and I am so sorry the stress has been brought to your doorstep.
I don’t want my rant at selfishness to be taken to be directed at Dorker, lol.
No one has done any kind of well check on this woman in days? And she can’t get ahold of anyone, anywhere?
Basically, he is sitting at rehab with no one to bother him, he is fed, he is cleaned up after, fully taken care of... while his VERY mentally challenged wife has NO ONE checking in whether she is taking meds, eating, lighting the house on fire, etc. This is not on you Dorker, but he is basically getting a free pass here, and it is just so wrong.
She is truly a PITA, I get it. But she is HIS PITA, and step-sister is right. She can only do so much from that distance. He is basically sweeping his wife under the carpet. Conflating her personality defects with the high level of dementia makes things even more difficult, and it gives him an excuse to keep doing what he is doing.
None of this is directed at Dorker, I am just weirdly PO’d at the lack of caring on the part of this guy. I don’t care if he is irritated. She can be Attila the Hun for all I care. Just because I can understand why he would do it doesn’t mean he should be getting away with this. I wish I could smack some sense into him. But, again, my guess is this whole situation is a conflation of his “ignore what I don’t want to deal with” attitude toward his dependents and some cognitive dysfunction going on as well.
A normal, caring husband would at least be worried about her. Even if she drives him nuts. At the absolute worst of our time with TWO demented people in our home, right in top of us, when I wasn’t sleeping more than 3-4 hours a night, cleaning up multiple chitapaloozas and dealing with the same repetition and anger and bizarro world logic of Alzheimer’s-land... even when our whole family had influenza and DH and I were fever-ridden and weak and taking care of ourselves, kids, AND two elders... even when I wanted to run away daily and never come back... I NEVER consider just ditching them to their own devices. Yes, I was relieved (and still am daily) to be out of that hot mess, but no matter how much they ticked us off, we wouldn’t just desert them... which is exactly what he has done.
And they were my in-laws, not my husband. A spouse’s sense of loyalty should be set at a higher bar than that.
Still, if he is so ill and really can’t handle it, then he should be calling APS or having the hospital call. A daughter hours away cannot handle someone in this mental state. If my father (or step-father) had done this to my mother, I would be LIVID... and if we actually got along, probably hurt and heart-broken on top of it. He may SAY she gets a “whole lotta gone”, but what exactly is she supposed to do. They use her for what they need, but don’t do a thing to help her help them.
Obviously, this isn’t on Dorker. (I am having a little rant... maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed as well as RainMom.) He has options, he just doesn’t want to deal with it... he wants someone to solve this for him. I get it that he is old and sick, but you just don’t do that to your wife... no matter what. That whole for better or worse... well, buddy, this is worse. Utilize the resources available to you and help your wife.
Rant over... my apologies if I sound harsh. I am just done with people like this. So many caregivers come on this site worried about any little thing they do that may not be good enough, may not be caring enough... then someone basically abandons his very ill wife and throws her up in the air to be caught by someone other than him. Not cool.
So no, no pastor that I could maybe lean into this whole saga.
Yes on the pills portion with her. I too, before I realized how badly her cheese has slid off her cracker, tried to enter that arena of discussion with her, .. her talking of her disdain for "pills". Went something like this.
K: "I hate taking pills, you know they prescribe a pill . they throw a pill at everything . and then before you know it now you have "x" problem that the pill causes . so now they throw another pill at that problem . next thing ya know that pill now causes "y" problem . and .. it's all just crap all of it ...
Me (trying to reason with a broken brain): "yea . sometimes that happens . but usually that can be remedied . .either they adjust the dose . or maybe change it a med that doesn't cause that ill side effect, . or sometimes .. it's just a necessary byproduct of dealing with what is a matter that has to be addressed .. I mean people with depression . serious depression . yes . they have to take meds .. or they maybe become suicidal .. so . yea . they kinda really need to be on something . that's a good example . and yea . sometimes those meds . they can cause weight gain . they can cause a whole host of other issues that might crop up . but you weigh out . gee .. leave the person suicidal . oh well they don't wanna have loss of sleep . or lack of sex drive .. or .. weight gain . or any number of other things that anti depressants can cause .. let's just leave em be and suicidal .. nah . sometimes it'a cost vs benefit ratio .. and so .. maybe a different anti depressant . but .. sometimes there are side effects no matter what ..
K: "Depression . smesshion .... people just need to pull themselves up by their boostraps . they didn't have all this depression b'chit in my day .. they wanna throw a pill at everything these days".
Me; "Well ya know ... back in the day they didn't have *pills* to throw at HBP . and that killed a lot of people . HBP ... but they've' long since come up w/meds to lower what is too high of BP and that's a good thing . otherwise the person would be dead, or stroking out .. in some cases . these *pills* are very useful .. and needed .. and yea there are so many hundreds of meds for HBP ... usually if one isn't working for one reason or the other .. there are hundreds of others that can be tried, . just gotta work with the doc . and find the solution"
K: "Ya know, I've always just tried to maintain my BP thru a proper diet, for me and your dad .. we don't eat things we shouldn't eat . most people don't even have to do that . if they watch what they eat"
I gave up .. (true . diet is a beneficial factor in all that, but not always no .. but wasn't gonna argue anymore).
Since that time . . I've learned being in their presence .. pills are poison in her hemisphere . along with many other indications her cheese no longer sits on her cracker.
Reflecting upon K's belief that psychiatric medication are poison, there is really no end to this. If she won't allow medication, this won't end until she's dead or in a mental institution.
Keep this in mind when the idea of dad "going home" comes up. SHE is the reason he can't come home.
Yes .. stepmom who has made sure that ole Dorker is always pushed to the periphery . .(and with dad's consent .. all thru the years I might add, when times were good) .. pushed to the periphery always .. and suddenly . when she wants me to fuss at him and get him set on notice, .. that I need to tell him to quit being so stubborn and ornery .. suddenly .. dorker gets brought into the fold.
Yes, good reminder, as I sit here feeling the weight of .. "poor thing . this is a miserable thing for him to do to her . absolute chitty and miserable thing for him to do"
It is .. it absolutely is.
But .. for me to fall to the side of pity .. as to her plight in all this . your reminder .. just a sit up and take notice, .. dorker you are nothing to her . never have been . so .. yea her brain is broken at this point in her life . and that she can't help . but . don't feel too bad . her brain wasn't always broken . and she had no use for you . and your brother and made sure you were periphery issues as to their world . her and dad both .. so no allegiance there as to poor poor pitiful K in all this.
Good reminder.
Found they were all in rounds and so someone will call me back.
But yes, I would love to speak to CM . and ask that they give her a call . and maybe make it such they can speak to her .. would be a smart move . and if they think her of unsound mind and in need of Baker Act, . they can act upon it. I'm not in touch w/stepmom .. to do so.
And that was a complete lie what I told Stepsister, . that I was advised by CM to let her deal w/her mom and I'll deal with my dad, a complete lie . no one has advised me to do anything in any direction.
But what I do know is that I can't deal with her, and him too .. I am only one person . and I'm gonna lessen my stress level with all this . and that's the only way I know how to do it ..
I hate it .. I too think it's absolute chit that he did this ..
I too hate it that he failed .. even when healthier . to get it on the dam radar and dealt with that her brain is slipping away.
I don't honestly know how you can get one to go to a doctor and address their concerns when they stand firm in refusal to do just that .. and that I've seen myself. And no . she doesn't allow that dad go in and speak to the doc . when w/her or her daughter, . that she strictly forbids ..
Yes, one can send along a note and make a phone call behind the scenes to said doctor . and ask that they . .next time she's being seen there, .. get that addressed.
But that gets dismissed pretty easily . in that setting as the showtimers thing .. and she can maintain and look just fine for the 10/15 mins a doc spends with her.
So .. in answer to the question of why he hasn't ever dealt effectively with the 20 ton elephant in the room of her brain and disintegration thereof .. I don't honestly know how that gets done . absent any cooperation and recognition on her part, that there's a problem and yes, let's get this seen and addressed.
However, this morning is grocery shopping day - something I’ve always done later in the day -
but since Covid19 I’ve learned if I hope to get certain items it’s - get there by 8am. Which means up at dawn to prepare my Covid Kit - in multiple individual ziplock bags gloves, antibacterial wipes and
masks complete with some sort of filter... certain cloths - Levis with deep pockets for more gloves, membership and credit cards each in their own ziplocks tucked inside my designated Covid purse - that has lots of separate pockets ... Yep - extra grumpy...
But my point - aside from my Covid rant -
It frosts my cookies that K called that night for Dorker - for you to fuss at your father for his being “stubborn” and refusing to help K “help him” by way of getting him up off his festering behind.
I mean - really? The woman has had no use for Dorker since she was an innocent child - shooed Dorker away at every point in order to piss on HER husband to mark him as HER territory, keeps secrets, keeps control... But when she needs Dorker to wipe up chit? Sure. Yeah- call Dorker then. Just frosts my cookies with chit frosting.
Like I said - extra grumpy this morning. Now, I’m off to play Covid19 roulette by hitting a grocery store AND Costco. Costco in the misguided illusion that I’ll find Clorox wipes. I’ll be holding my breath...for
multiple reasons.
Grumpy.
Noticing a pattern here....
I understand his frustration with her behavior, but he's never gotten her the help she needs. Never overridden her bad decisions on things like firing caregiver.
Maybe she should be allowed to talk to case management. That way they can invoke Baker Act as they will have first hand knowledge of her mental state.
Keep that idea in the back of your head for the next time you speak to CM.
her ability to get any information, my not able to get any information .. you can tell him that this is all complete chit and tell him I said so .. have you talked to him"
Me: "yes it is an incredibly difficult position to put everyone in and I've told him that (and I have, that's the truth ... I have told him that) .. they're going to have to do things differently going forward .. this has all been done outside of anything I had anything to do with .. and not what I recommended, .. and put me in the middle of a situation I didn't ask for . and I've expressed that to him".
Stepsister, now .. tears . and obvious: "Well I'm sorry to unload on you, I know it's not your fault . I'm just really frustrated here . trying to keep a lid on her, she's his wife .. for him to take this drastic a step . I mean .. I just . it's just completely chitty what he's done and I want you to tell him I said so .. "
Me: "I agree it's chitty and no position I wanted to be in . they have to do things different than this".
((What I wanted to say is . if you guys had dealt with her bat chit crazy . maybe he wouldn't of had to take this drastic of measure. But I didn't say that)))
Stepsister: "I'll say! Yes, like .. maybe 20 years ago . they should've dealt better with all this and so here we all are . now it's a dam mess .. and it's just complete chit . all of it .. she has every right to know what's going on with him .. but he's got it set up .. she can't even know where he is, much less how he's doing".
Me: Well, if there's anything that needs to be passed along, I'll surely get that news to you . in answer to whether he is to suddenly appear in their d/w and home now .. that's not anything I'm aware of .. to my knowledge case management has to meet and plan for discharge and that hasn't occurred . . and I would discourage that kinda thing . so no . no one needs to worry that he'll appear on the driveway this afternoon and everyone ill equipped to know what's next . that's not going to happen".
Stepsister thru more tears all the while my home phone, cell phone, ringing non stop: "Okay . well .. I'll be in touch, I'll try to put a lid on mom . incredibly difficult, but I'll do what I can .. I'll be in touch with you"
And with that we hung up.
Stepmom has left a voice message: "Dorker I need you to call me, I am calling all the numbers I have for you, and I need to talk to you .. please give me a call".
I haven't called her back.
Chit . just CHIT CHIT CHIT!