I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
His mother sent me packing a few months ago and I told her, as I was stalking out of the house "This is the best present I can give you. You NEVER HAVE TO SEE ME AGAIN" and I slammed the door hard and walked away.
45 years of dealing with crazy and not once has DH stood up for me. I'm DONE. He, however, states that 'my behavior' makes it hard for him to visit his mom.
Do NOT fall for that misplaced mess of thinking. He can see his mom everyday of the week. He can move in with her if he wants. I'm just out of the game.
I did ask him how many times had he seen MY mother in last 5 years and the answer was: Zero. Hm.
It's real easy when it's not YOUR crazy relatives someone is advising you on. Real easy.
I think it might be good for you to get a read on how concerned he is about her. If he isn't, as in really tossing her to the side of the road, her daughter needs to know that.
K's son in law can then activate Ks part of the LTC policy and get her the care she needs. K's daughter needs to know she is on her own and should probably look into getting her mother into an involuntary psych hold for treatment. This would probably be the kindest thing to do.
Im so tired of the 25/8 worrying... “I have a terrible headache and a sore throat... is it Covid? Let me check the latest symptom list.” I’m worn out gearing up like I’m headed into a war zone to buy my “limit 1” groceries and the Forest Gump of it all - will there be baby wipes or won’t there? You never know what you’re gonna get! I worry about my hubby. I worry about Rainman. I worry about our finances. I worry about when and if a vaccine will become available. I worry about there being a cure. I worry and worry and then I worry some more.
AND I KNOW -
no doubt about it. I AM LUCKY! I am blessed in not knowing anyone who is sick from Covid19 and I haven’t had to suffer the terrible loss of a loved one dying from this virus. So then I feel bad about even beginning to feel put upon when I am so fortunate.
I too, wish and pray this hellish time was over. For a hundred different reasons.
EDIT: No intended hijacking BUT - I am curious... is anyone else wiping off all their groceries with an antibacterial product. Is it really necessary, do you think?
further assistance, please call us back at 1-800 berries . or whatever it was. Well chit ..
So on the phone I go, to try to reach them again.
On hold, not kidding at all, 1 hour and 45 mins .. with that stupid message .. "We can call you back . we are experiencing long hold times" . nope not falling for that one again . I'll hold thank you. 1 hour and 45 mins later, I gave up. Hung up.
Found the # for their corporate HQ online . called there, now pretty irate . not only did you guys take my $55 for berries . you didn't deliver them as noted . and now you aren't available to rectify the issue. I was hot.
Answer: "Yes I do apologize we are working with a reduced workforce, due to Covid . and the phone lines are terribly busy this day . what I can do is give you a different number for escalated complaints and they can help you there".
Call there, . and yes . barely any hold time . and the rep . "yes I am so sorry that happened . let's get that corrected" . and so .. correct addy noted . .and so forth . will now send, belated though it'll be a replacement of the same. Anything else I can do for you".
Me: "yes, plz send me a confirmation email of what you've done so I can track the shipment and make sure it arrives"
Rep: "Yes I'll do that right now"
3 hours later, no confirmation email . another phone call . and yes the rep indicates I see here the replacement order, no I don't see that any email has been sent, let me take care of that for you . you should get that email any moment. And wahlaa it arrives . the confirmation email . so now I await whether yet another shipment of berries arrives at the wrong address. We'll see.
Fast forward to today . .calling the 1-800 renta-car place, for a car I have rented for a trip next week, just to confirm reservation in order. Call the number, . "press 1 for new reservation, press 2 to confirm or change your reservation", I push 2 and am promptly disconnected. Call again . listen thru their musac . and so forth for the prompts again . and then .. push 2, disconnected, immediately.
Again I call, this time I push 1 .. even though I now I'm not calling to make a reservation but to confirm an existing one . but when I push 2 to do that, I get disonnected. And .. queue the covid message, "due to exeedlingly high call volume you will be on hold for a length of time, we apologize . please hold" ..
And yes, on hold for 1 hour .. before a rep finally answers, and yes . confirms my reservation.
Same sorta thing calling to confirm my hotel reservation for next week's trip though that one I called the hotel itself rather than any 1-800# . and that one too . .. rang forever .. nobody answering . even at the hotel local # .. I gave up . tried again . it rang forever . I'm beginnig to think . 'Oh man .. they've closed due to Covid .. where am I gonna stay" when the woman finally picks up . and can't hear me, bad connection .. I try again . and finally reach her, again . and now she can hear me, reservation confirmed, all is good.
Sheesh. I am over this COVID mess ... I mean seriously! Can we get back to life as we once knew it, or some semblance thereof.
Granted - she is a PTA - but he mind is broken. So she has her world turned upside down because her husband is gone, no one telling her anything about him, she cannot find anything about him, and her brain is too broken to do anything but get extremely anxious. I feel sorry for her.
Why couldn't dad have asked for some one to call K's daughter? Or ask the care manager what to do with dementia wife whacking out at home?
This man does not deserve whatever you are doing for him.
I don't know if any of you have had occasion within recent weeks to have to phone a 1-800 something or other. GRRRRRR
Because I guess companies are working with reduced work force, .. working from home .. I dunno .. but my GOSH! Enough to make you scream.
Ok, so first of the week .. .I had to call a 1-800-national well known berry company.
You see, back in April, I made a telephone order for Mother's Day for MIL . chocolate covered strawberries from a well known national company . for delivery to MIL . to the NH .. for chocolate covered strawberries.
So .. what w/Covid these days .. that's why I did what I did .. I could make her some little treat . and have DH take it there for Mother's Day . but they aren't accepting home-made treats . has to be store bought . and/or shipped .. wrapped in cellophane. So . fine .. 1-800 berries .. and placed my order, complete with MIL's name, name of NH . address of NH . and so forth.
I was told by NH . their protocol .. all pkgs have to sit for 24 hours . .I guess so germs die if any. Fine by me. Set the delivery for Friday . and figured she'd have the 24 hours over by Saturday at some point and they'd hand her, the wonderful box of chocolate covered berries.
On Friday, I even got email confirmation my berries had been delivered to the NH.
So Sunday, Mother's Day . DH goes to visit his mom "how do you like the berries?".
MIL: "What berries?"
DH: We sent you some chocolate covered strawberries . you didn't get them?".
MIL: I haven't seen any berries . nobody gave me any berries".
DH checking with staff there .. no we don't have anything else here .. everything that was shipped here for Mother's Day has been divied out ..
On Monday I put SIL on it, had too many other irons in the fire. She called the NH . had them look high and low . and no . no they didn't have anything of chocolate covered strawberries there for anyone. Sent SIL the email confirmation I'd rec'd on Friday .. indicating they'd been delivered there.
Ahhh .. so there's the mistake .. order I placed over the phone, I indicated the address as 2802 .. "x" street, .. the order taker on the phone, I guess . typo ... entered "2801" ... as street address.
2801 is not the NH address, .. it is an address for a residence across the street from NH. GRRRR
Somebody at that residence, got a nice box of chocolate covered strawberries for Mother's Day.
Wouldn't you think . that person, whoever got those . might've looked at the label . aware there is a huge complex across the street from them, that is a NH . and thought .. "awe, gee these must be for some sweet little old lady, let me walk these over there, maybe they can tell me they belong to someone there".
Nope.
Some dam body .. got a nice little surprise of a box of chocolate covered strawberries . and I won't even get a thank you card.
So anywho . on the phone I got .. 1-800 berries .. on Monday afternoon to tell them of this snafu .. and I'd even had to pay special delivery for the item .. and . .this is how delivery gets handled. What kinda buffoon . delivers to yes, the numbered street address, but notes the name of the NH (or obviously didn't note that part) .. and doesn't see that . that it's supposed to go to the massive complex right across the street.
So that experience. I call there, .. "we are experiencing long holding times . if you'd care to receive a call back, press 1, your hold time is in excess of 1 hour".
I chose that option. Went on with my day.
About an hour or so later, a 1-800 # calling me, I assumed was the berries folks. I answer it, .. "hello" . nothing, no response, . "hello?"... nothing . no one responding... "hello? hello?" . no one responding .. I hung up.
A moment later, up pops a voice mail: "Hi this is John from 1-800 berries, if you need
Dorker; I sent a chart earlier today, listing the differences between acute rehab, also called rehab hospitals (where there is a doctor on staff, available 24/7) and subacute rehab.
Similar to your dad, my mom was in acute rehab for a short period of time after her stroke and then we had to find a subacute rehab place that suited our geographical needs.
This is pretty common. Right now, your dad is not sick enough to be in an "acute hospital" but still needs access to an MD 24/7. Once that is resolved, he can go to traditional rehab (like where MIL is) where there are doctors who call in once a week or so.
He was xfer'd to Rehab . .. on Foley Catheter .. and that remains. Was rx'd FloMax . supposed to help with bladder/urine retention. I guess it takes a while . that or .. (I don't know about such) .. as they also say of it all, "once he gets more ambulatory" there should be improvement there and no need for catheter. I guess .. what do I know.
Was taken this morning for chest xray .. (fluid retention, On Lasix) .. fluid in his lungs seen on chest xray the other day. Don't know the results.
Talking to him today . his left arm is weeping .. swollen .. (fluid retention?) .. I dunno. Talking to the nurse, they are giving Lasix . but his BP drops . and so concern there, .. and not wanting his BP to drop out.
This is what qualifies for transport to Rehab?
He is .. in fact, .. only at this point, his PT consists of assistance, to get out of bed, and into chair . and that's it .. nothing more .. thus far.
I do know the setting he is in is considered a "hospital" .. of some shape/form ..
I know this because .. I had asked about the rehab site he went to last year about this time, it happens to be right around the corner from where he is presently. I asked at that time, . when he was being discharged from his hospital stay a few days back . why isn't he going to "x" site . where he went last year. I was told, .. "He is going to "B" Rehab .. because it's more of a hospital setting . he needs to begin PT .. but also needs the medical care available at the *hospital/rehab* we're sending him to.
Hmm .. okay.
So I know he is in . what is considered, on some level "hospital" . that and the CM telling me he will be xfer'd to a LTC next week . and when I questioned that juxtaposed against his medical issues ongoing . she assured that he is becoming medically stable . and as such, Medicare won't continue paying for him to stay there, at what is considered a "hospital" bed . has to move to Rehab.
So I'm thinking . hmm . okay on Catheter still, fluid retention they are struggling to get under control . . and diuretics that drop his BP .. and weeping arm .. and on oxygen . at this point, due to that fluid retention ... that doesn't sound to me like "medically stable" . but . what do I know .. I'm not a medical professional.
Don't fall for it. Make him do his own research. Make him take responsibility. And if he can't/won't? Oh, well.
K's paranoia is part and parcel of her dementia, unfortunately. I feel bad for her in that regard, and especially that she's dealing with it alone for the most part. Not on you to deal with, it's just sad that things have ended up this way. Not much anyone can do besides calling 911 when and if need be.
Glad you swatted it away
DH. Just in talking to him . and comparing notes on our day .. it becomes evident as I share with him some of the goings on . that I am leaving K on the periphery in all this . communicating only with K's daughter.
This . he finds reprehensible. Why would you do her that way .. she's frantic and worried/upset .. why .. ????.... your dad already shut her out, now you're doing that to her too? Why .. you need to "talk" to her, don't make yourself unavailable to her.
To my response to him . looking at him like he had 3 heads: "I'll be glad to share the info with you and you go ahead and impart it".
Him: "No . you just .. I mean you are bldg a wall there between you two and any relationship in your refusal to reach out and talk to her .. that's just wrong Dorker, it's just all kinds of wrong .. she's entitled to know what's going on .. she's his wife ... ".
Me: "And I share that which is going on . for her daughter to impart to her .. she's not locked out of any knowledge .. DH she doesn't remember/retain it any dam way . what's told to her . if I open up that as a line of communication she will repeatedly phone me with answers already given . time and time again . and not only that, questions that aren't based in anything relevant or even germane to what's going on .. I can't/won't deal with her crazy .. just not doing it ..
Him: "I think you're wrong and you are going to cause a sever in any relationship there . by your refusal to make yourself available ... I don't agree with it . I think that's the wrong approach"
Me: "Well . when it was your parent . and I kept saying she needs more care, . ya'll chose for a long time . to not heed what I was saying. I'll choose at this point, w/what's on my platter, to not heed what your thoughts are .. capeesh?
So there .. swat it away like a gnat.
I stand firm . not gonna deal with K.
Your father should contact his insurance agent to find out the fine points of his LTC policy; going through SS's husband will mean they get access to what facility he is in, wouldn't it?
Dad can give the CM his agent's phone number and they can sort it out. CM's are very good, generally, at seeing what benefits are included in LTC policies; it's a language all its own.
Thus far, I've left out the piece in talking to SS .. "gee ya know, maybe you guys need to be aware, he's talking of further down the road, placement in LTC . and so . that's a page he's on at this point, to visit that as an issue".
I haven't made her aware that's been talked about.
Undecided.
On the one hand, she's not mine to deal with and so any fallout . that can fall square at her feet. Also on that one hand ... she's his wife .. demented and scrambled as her brains are .. she's his wife .. should probably be entitled to that info. Whether she's able to process it adequately .. debatable . for sure. I'm sure she'd have every reason within her scrambled brain to argue that as even necessary .. and so forth.
But on the other hand .. without a doubt in my mind .. that will cause drama the likes of which the best movie of all time has seen. And my phone here .. will be going off .. (yes I can turn it off, block her #), .. and not mine to speak to ... but nonetheless, do I want that crazy right now . when .. in the end . he may decide as the CM alluded to .. "they look at the cost . and they don't wanna spend the $, they return to the home in the end".
Do I want that crazy .. when his ultimate decision may be an about face from what is presently the talk. I dunno ..
Thus far, that hasn't been put on the table to sort thru . in any conversation with stepsister . and undecided as to whether to bring it to the floor for discussion.
she went on to say (all outside of my dad's hearing it, she'd left his room) .. "We see a lot of it here . people work and save all their lives . and get to the point that $ is there .. and SHOULD be spent in their care setting . but they won't do it . they don't in the end, wanna part with the dollars it'll cost to do it .. see it a lot
My response to her: "In the end, as I'm all too clear on, his decision .. and so .. he'll have to make that determination . nothing I can do other than to make it known what I observe being in his presence, . and that I don't think it's safe for him to return there, and that I've shared with him also .. as well as with you . the couple of times we've talked about it, . but outside of my hands to make it turn in either direction really"
With that the conversation just turned to . his medical issues . the fact he's on oxygen but the hope is the Lasix will bring down that fluid in his lungs and the oxygen can be removed, . the fact he's on Foley Catheter .. and that too . they hope . once he's more ambulatory .. can also be removed. But if not, those are items the next setting will be able to address.
I think it's a step in the right direction on his part, the realization that home is not the place he needs to be. That's at least further than we've been in all this.
Will he pull that trigger . and make certain home is not where he goes? I don't know . I kinda doubt it .. my bets if I were betting . he'll return to the home to her as c'giver with promises high and lo that a c'giver can be part of the scene . and then she'll make short biz of ridding the home of said c'giver and back to square 1.
I can't change it, .. won't even try . I've voiced MO's to him . .. more than once, .. and to the CM .. and SW. That's all I can do.
What K doesn't know, nor have I shared with her daughter . is there is "talk" at least at this juncture . of him no longer returning to the residence .. as his home. That part has not been shared with stepsister for her to impart to her mom.
Undecided if I should share that piece, as it's likely to upend her mom even more than she already is .. and I cannot even fathom the fallout that will come behind it.
I'm not dealing with her mom .. she is very much outside the boundaries of anything I'm doing in any of this. Any word that gets sent her way . gets sent via her daughter, . and the fact the two of us talk to one another ..
A little . side issue there ... in that .. stepsister has caught so much flack from her mom . all the way back to last year this time with the hospitalizations .. and so forth . she does NOT want her daughter and myself talking . to her it's seen as collusion . that the two of us are conspiring to "take over" .. and stepsister gets so much chit from her mom . if it's known the two of us are talking. Interesting to me, at this point, absent my talking to her daughter . the very thing she loathes and does not want . doesn't want her daughter talking to me, or vice versa .. that very thing . were it not for that, .. she'd be shut out entirely as to any news with regard to her husband. I share with stepsister . that which is ongoing . as to my dad . and his well being or lack thereof.
Have no desire to cut K out entirely .. I don't have any animosity towards her . I simply don't wanna deal with her crazy . period, and so .. I defer to her daughter, as to word that needs to be passed along. All the while, her mom comes undone at any notion the two of us "talk". Maybe partly why stepsister herself in tears yesterday talking to me about "this is just chit what you're dad is done, it's chitty and you can tell him I said so" .. maybe the fact she's the mouthpiece, as to what the goings on are, w/regard to dad . imparting that to her mom . who she's struggling to keep a lid on .. maybe that too raises it's ire in talking to her mom.
Don't care .. not mine to deal with . sorting thru her madness.
I did do a quick google search of that as a selection and all reviews were good, ..
In that same setting where she suggested that as the site for LTC for further rehab .. I was asked, my feeble dad from the b'ground, .. did that work for me, as as a site, is there somewhere that I would prefer for him to go.
I weighed in as follows: "I will let CM help guide that choice dad, I don't have a lot of familiarity with these sites .. she suggests Barkley . and that's fine with me"
So there ya have it.
The CM .. on that phone call, . .with a mindset that he is talking of further .. LTC as his setting for his residence, going forward . .mentioned that he might want to consider, . as he weighs that as an option .. (this was all out loud, in phone convo with dad present, me on the line with CM) .. that he may wish to weigh out as his options . going forward . if that is he path he chooses, . to make sure it's an all encompassing site ..
Not all sites have within their campus/facility . the whole picture, of IL/ALF/SNF/MC .. and so . since it would be inevitable his wife will one day need MC . he might wish to .. at least select a site where that is an availability ..
Her then . going into a bit on the topic .. of whether or not his wife chooses to join him in whatever setting .. an awareness on her part, .. (via the history here, shared with her) . that the wife may or may not choose to join him in whatever setting, remains to be seen .. and .. he may not want her to join him . that can all be part of discussion points moving forward .. her with no way to answer at this point ... depends on where you select, what kind of setting . what your needs end up being . as to whether or not you end up in a setting where ... like per se, . an apartment type setting of ALF . that might would afford that you be together . but all of that hinges .. a lot of it, as you move forward . as to what your needs are in the end .. and the setting you will need, if it's SNF .. chances you two would be rooming together . not real likely in a SNF setting .. so . some of this . hinges on how well you're able to recover . as you travel thru a longer stint in a rehab setting . and what your needs end up being . as to your placement and that gets evaluated by the various sites you may wish to speak with as to placing yourself there .. in conjunction with the medical professionals and their assessments.
I just listened ..
My answer to the above, when I did chime in: "A lot of this is on down the road, can't be determined right now"
She told me, after she got out of my dad's ear shot . that she's familiar with the fact some come there . and speak of "want" to go to LTC . and they are well versed in providing that info to their patients and LO's . but . sometimes in the end, when cost is realized . .they choose to go right back to the setting they shouldn't be in.
Probably her cautionary tale to me, get ready . he's gonna go right back home.
Her then filling in some blanks on .. realization my dad does have liquidity to pay for this kinda setting .. and .. has a LTC policy that ... in the end, it will depend on the language of that policy as to what it pays .. as to daily expense of said setting . and that .. the personnel of any site he selects, can go thru the policy and give a clearer answer on. She went on to say:
So if/when the CM tells you that someone (you?) has to pick the LTC for your father to go to for continuing rehab, you will have no input at all? And if she says that your father wants you to pick one (maybe in the room with him, like the last call), you will say sorry, no can do? (And this is exactly what I think you should say.) What if your father with his frail voice pleads to you from his bed?
Realize that while you won't be able to check out LTC facilities with in-person visits, there will still be ways to research them. I hope you don't commit to doing this research...
snide, smart azz remarks about him, in his presence.
My brother, .. in the years that would go on in his presence, . .mostly would stand down . and let her sound off, and ignore it, but not always. It was very testy . to even have them in the same room w/one another.
My brother would tell it . that anytime he tries to come see dad .. he gets stiff armed .. and excuses made, . why it's not a good time to do so. There again . is that more kicking the can down the road by a dad who finds it easier to take the path of least resistance and .. just make excuses to keep him at arm's length . and not have to deal with the friction from K . that any visit by brother coming their way might bring?
Or, is it a function that brother .. when/if he tries to come, always but always but always . no exceptions . brings B B&tch with him . and none of us like her. I can go into and cite numerous examples where she has asserted her B B&tch ways that have caused every member of the family .. even the other side of the family that aren't related to her ... to dislike her . and not want her around .. but I won't go into all that detail. Suffice it to say . one would see in brother's appearances .. her at his elbow, for every visit . and no one (including me, I don't like her) .. wants her around . to throw around her B B&tch ways ... and as such .. (dad doesn't like B B&tch and K REALLY dislikes her) .. the other side of it all, is that ..it kinda looks like . and I can't dial down on what precisely is at play .. not mine to sort thru .. maybe the fact he can't ever come, just him .. and not her with him . that too . a stiff arm at any attempt to come this way .. dad pushing back "oh son, not a good time, not feeling really well", .. "oh son . your stepmom has a friend coming thru this wknd . from out of town . not a good time" .. "oh son . your stepmom . she's got a bad back right now, we really aren't up for company" ..
A myriad of stiff arm .. that brother gets at any attempt to come this way.
What does brother think of this chit show .. ???... just that, it's a chit show. Thru and thru . and his .. "Well Dorker I'd do what I can to help . but . ya know . they stiff arm me at ever turn . if I try to step up to the plate . so I just stay outta the way".
Brother and B B&tch live about 90 mins south of here, . so they aren't local. Right now, that works fine I guess . because he can't come see dad any way .. (Covid) not to mention the confidential status dad has placed ... and so ... no one can communicate w/dad. If you call there, you're told Mr. B is not a patient here . we have no record of him here. He is there .. I talk to him, talk to staff about him . but . because he's confidential . anyone that calls . other than the person he designated (me) gets told he's not there, and not a thing about him, nor do they get thru on the phone to his room.
I don't know where the truth lies in all the above, probably some of both .. K doesn't want him around, creates too much friction in dad's world, . he kicks the can down the road and doesn't force the issue . allows that it continue a *distant* relationship . as a result . and .. the fact I don't think my brother wipes his own behind that his wife isn't there to tell him how to do it . and no one likes her . is always at his elbow . at visits this way . always . without fail . he insists on her being part of any visit . and that . that really complicates what is already complicated.
My suggestion would be that he come .. a few times . without her . and then maybe she'd be more tolerated .. in the fact, . "well at least he comes some .. and we don't have to put up with her every time". Thus far, that hasn't ever been brother's approach . he comes . she's with him. Nobody likes her.
So . brother .. he is very much on the periphery of all this . and not at all engaged, . complicated.
No, no intention to go look at facilities. One can't get in anyway, (Covid). What would be the point.
Brother knows the blow by blow of all this. He too, is not allowed past that "confidential" status my dad has placed him in. I don't think (I haven't asked my dad) that was done with a "don't want your brother bothering me either", .. .I think it was more a function that he had to designate someone .. (more than one someone ...???.... I don't know if that's a choice one gets) .. and he designated the person on the ground here local, me.
The situation with my brother is a complicated one. My brother, the malcontent of the bunch, black sheep if you will. He, in younger years .. even in the time frame spent living with dad and this new stepmom . him a kid . a malcontent .. good grades in school always . so that wasn't a problem, but fighting .. disobeying authority .. at school, even in those young years .. and as a result, notes home, etc .. and .. just .. ya know the whack a mole kinda kid . where you no sooner put down one problem, another crops up and usually at his doing . .. and so that created a lot of friction .. in K's world .. and I assume . a real problem for her, who had no appreciation at all for the little urchins brought as a pkg deal into this marriage.
We went to live with my mom, and stepdad . and there . I would've been like 12 yo and he would've been 10. His malcontent ways followed him all thru life . but I guess .. now it was mom's problem .. not dad and K . we didn't live there.
But every once in a while dad would get pulled in (by mom) to counsel . and chide, admonish from afar . for whatever the next thing brother had done . yet again. It continued .. all thru his life .. and into adulthood, his malcontent'd ways.
As a result what you see there is a V.E.R.Y. strained relationship with K .. between he and K. V.E.R.Y.
That brother thru the years, .. so so many things he'd do . and get into and cause trouble and some of them . my dad having to pay the freight to try to rectify .. so many things. So many things .. my dad having to step into the fray to try to right the course of. Getting thrown out of college, for partying . this after dad had worked, and pulled some strings to even get him in a college, after he'd been thrown out of high school .. and then had to complete high school thru a college GED program . and that too orchestrated by dad . and I guess "some people he knew" .. and so .. in the end, all that to say . my brother .. bests way I can term it, required a lot more of my dad's focus/attention/energy and his wallet, than I did.
Him getting thrown out of a college dad pulled strings to get him into .. (partying too much) . and then dad instrumental in getting him into another college. Paying the freight for same, of course.
He did stay the course and complete his degree . and then soon after married . and to a wife that .. oh well, history . but none of us liked her .. didn't think he should marry her and in the end, that marriage disolved .. in a haze of arrests for he and her, as adults .. with kids of their own, ... domestic violence, .. meth .. bankruptcy .. and home foreclosure ..etc etc etc, loss of custody of their kids .. a mess.
That too, dad helping to pay freight for atty fees.
So all that to say .. K has had no use for him... and it's only been in the last few years actually (brother has righted his course, . .gone back to college and got a master's in psychology . and is now working as an administrator in a MH clinic, .. drug counseling) .. and is married again, this time (to Bossy B&tch) ..
That, .. the relationship there between he and K .. very strained. It's only been in the last few years that they can be in the same room with one another and K not make snide
I like the idea of only telling the CM that you are going away for the weekend.
You don't intend to go check out various LTCs for your father, do you?
Does your brother know about any of this? If so, what does he say?
No commitment, no responsibility. A friend's (brief) marriage was like that. Wife #2 was going to leave him but did the sums & figured she gets more if he lays around on employment benefits than the sweet nothing she'd get as child support if she kicked him out. He even tried to win back wife #1 to slip out of paying for 2nd family... forgetting he owed thousands in support for 1st family... ExWife # 1 told him what he could do to himself instead.
That's was the sound of most of my sympathy for this Dad draining away... just one little iota left.
Gettin on a bit to chase skirts, brats too old to be cute, what do to? Get a wife.
Fast forward 50 years, wife can't look after me - toss her in the air for someone else to catch (who said that? BRILLIENT observation!). Look for new person to do my shovelling. Yep. Works for him.
Getting a good picture of K now too. Found herself a man, easy going, has a good job, cares for stepdaughter. Comes with kids but can ignore them. She's not evil, just a nervous, anxious type right? Focused on small details to control her world. Controlled not in a loud blustery male way, but in a nagging, nitpicking way. Wears people down to keep the peace. Worked well for 50 years until he just disappared! She has no control of him & her life is shattered. I do have more sympathy here.
Many would let them both 'twist in the wind' (is that the saying?). None would blame you - I for one would not. Sigh. Let the past go. Wave them off to the LTC. Visit birthdays & Christmas.
small son - about 5 y/o when we met.
The son was with us the typical one night a week and every other weekend rotation thats somewhat common with non-custodial fathers. He also came with us on all our vacations and whenever extra his mom asked us to do.
While the son was too young to really remember his parents being together - he still hoped they would reconcile - and let me know it every
time he got me alone.
But that was the first year. After that - my bending over backward to make him feel welcome and loved - that were all family, I eventually won him over. I suspect that towards the
end he actually preferred me to his
father.
AND - truth be told - I was the one who wrote the support check out and made sure it got to his mother on time. In a way - since The Donor rarely even had a job, or did anything at home, alway off drinking with his “mates” and/or fishing - I guess you might say I was even the one paying. If it had been left to The Donor - the mom would have gotten about what I did in the way of child support. Not one cent. Zero. Zilch.
I suspect the mom was more upset than anyone when The Donor and I divorced.
No excuse on earth for what your Dad did to you Dorker. Not even a mean, wicked stepmother.
for their having stepped out of line somehow .as kids will do .. and rather than stand up to her, "No K .. I'm not gonna go beat them because of ___________" . he opted to satisfy her need/want that we be beat.
He "allowed" it that her daughter was made separate and unequal to his kids . he allowed that tone for the HH he was the father in.
So yea . I'd like to think I'm better than all that . and don't sink to any low level of kicking an old man (old woman) when they're down .. I'm better than that .. I'm a better person than that.
But one can't help but remember those times . at times like these.