I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Kind thoughts to you Dorker.
ER’s more than ANYTHING on the planet. They are very honestly - my version of what Hell must be like.
The endlessly, endless waiting...
If ever there was a time that I am thankful for ER’s and their nurses and Doctors- clearly, it’s now. And - I truly am. However - it still has to be one of the most frustrating and miserable places to be on the planet.
Dealing with them on the phone can be even worse - but at least you can hopefully find some busy work around the house to ease the wait.
We're all here with you.
Have called ER, 3x's.
Am only told "we'll have his nurse call you"
2nd & 3rd call I expressed my exasperation with having already been told that.
Response: "he has your message, he's just been very busy"
"He" being, the nurse.
Can't go there of course. So, I wait.
For once i would love to read how someone has looked after you and helped you for a change. You are the rock for so many in your world.
I don't have as many needy nor as needy the many - but a few. My husband too. Sometimes i tell him "i need you to be the rock today" and he gets it. And vice versa.
With all of the burdens expressed on this AgingCare site - i keep wondering why i never see anyone say "bought a one way ticket to Belize - outta here".
consideing I never received my copy of the How Deal With Aging Parents and Possible Dementia handbook - I think I did pretty well from the standpoint of their care and trying to maintain their dignity. How it all effected my life is a little different story - and if I had known then what I know now, I’m sure I would have done a few things differently as it pertained to my own quality of life.
Two things I KNOW for sure that I did right:
When my mother asked to come live in my home I immediately and absolutely - unequivocally said “NO. Not gonna happen. Ever. Just No”.
The second - Shortly after my dad passed away I told my mother that if she wanted me to continue to help with her bill paying and medical appointments- anything beyond me coming to visit regularly - she was going to have to give me her Power of Attorney. DPOA both financial and medical.
I had been helping them out for roughly the previous two year without any POA because I had been dealing with my father exclusively. I adored my father, we had a very good relationship and I enjoyed the extra time that we spent together taking care of business. My father remained mentally sharp up until the end - he was reasonable, agreeable, appreciative and he treated me like a respected, intelligent adult. I KNEW that none of that would have been the case in working with my mother in that same capacity - so I firmly, flat out refused to do it without a POA and the ability to act independently.
So Dorker - I don’t think it has to be a long winded conversation with your father concerning WHY you would need a POA to act in and on his behalf - in fact, the difficulty of trying to get ANYTHING done for anyone or even oneself in the era of Covid19 is reason enough - but next time your father asks ANYTHING of you just repeat the need for a POA. And keep on repeating it.
BUT - Also keep in mind that if/once you get POA, you're in the pool. Maybe just the shallow end for right now but it’s amazing how fast one can drift towards deeper waters. Make sure you’ve got your water wings on.
Chest pain
BP not stable
Your dad has professionals he has paid over the years to manage his investments and his weal. They have knowledge of what his and K's status is and what they can afford.
He needs to contact them and let them do the arranging. I had personal experience with this recently with an elderly congregation member whose lawyer was his POA. During an emergency (and on a weekend) we as a community stepped up in the short term to get him into temporary housing, food and an aide; the lawyer who had POA was ultimately responsible for payment and getting all else settled. He would also have taken care of the long term planning had our friend not expired in the hospital.
Lawyers can be VERY effective POAs. But of course, they need to get paid.
I just see it as so likely that you will see no other way out but to start steppin' and fetchin' for him. Oh, it will be just one little thing at first, but you will end up doing more and more.
Long Term Care policy needs to be kept up to date; if it lapses, they will require a new health exam, which both dad and K will fail spectacularly and no more option for the Happy Place. They would need to look for someplace that would accept Medicaid after a period of private pay.
My mom had 7 figures in investments/CDs but no LTC insurance. We were VERY careful to find her a Medicaid accepting facility, because at 10K per month per person for Skilled Care, a million dollars doesn't last very long.
We all got notices .. (he has the same electric company as I do) .. we all do here locally. That if one is experiencing hardship . the gov't has commanded that no one's power be shut off, at this time. I don't know what that looks like for folks experiencing this problem .. I guess .. at some point the piper will come calling.
But . that's one thing that came to mind as I pondered that light bill sitting there not attended to. So, in the end, because of Covid .. no chance she'll go to turn on the lights and have none. Might happen with the tv .. I don't know that the cable company is extending that latitude ...
Might have some problems with regard to a health insurance supplement for each . that didn't get that all important form signed and forwarded by each, accompanied with a check to pay it ..
Their house is paid for .. so . not like the mortgage will fall into foreclosure.
Obviously . h/o insurance has to be paid at some point(s) along the way . that's usually annual . to my knowledge . and who pays that .. ??... I have no clue.
Auto insurance, . that has to be paid . do they pay their auto insurance on auto debit from ck'g monthly .. do they pay it quarterly/semi annual . what ... ??... I don't know ..
He doesn't drive anymore and she SHOULDN'T be driving anymore. But whatever.
My inclination is to .. at least make him aware . hate to lay upon someone as sick as he is .. and he is .. still very sick/weak . "oh dad . btw . . none of your bills are getting a look see .. ya see it goes like this .. ya know . you've put yourself in that confidential status there .. ergo .. pizzing off everyone short of the Pope himself .. and so .. created a real mess .. is whatcha've done .. and . ya know .. K is real displeased with all this .. and . so is SS .. and kinda miffed to say the least . the fact that they have only me . as any resource of info on your well being . and .. to be honest dad . .. I'm kinda leaving K to her daughter . and avoiding her, . you've created enough of a chit show here that I have to deal with just on your behalf . not dealing with her chit show . let her daughter deal with that, that's been my approach as you've been under the weather here . and so . she's none to pleased with me .. She and her daughter both .. not real happy ... so .. ya know, in the end, what that looks like, in real time, here on the ground .. is a mess .. you know as well as I do, that even when you were home and in K's sights . she didn't leave my elbow there .. for fear something might be said or done that she wasn't privy to . that hasn't changed . in fact, it's likely a lot worse now . and not only that, . your stepdaughter is so put out with you for taking the approach you have in this confidential status that she said to me herself, she's not real motivated at this point to try to help you at all. So ya know . any expectation no your part, that I might could go on over to your house and nosy my way through file cabinets and mail . and so forth in attempt to get a finger on the pulse of what needs paying . and what's what .. that's not gonna go over real well . so .. wanna provide me some guidance, now that you're under the weather here . and .. yet . I have no POA or any other stake in any of this to try to help you".
My inclination is to just turn and walk away from it. If there is fallout . oh well, as I stand with my hands by my side, in a "what did you expect .. h377 I have no legal standing in any of this ... how was I supposed to do a dam thing to look after any of your affairs ... I'm not on your ck'g acct . in case you aren't aware . that kinda info doesn't get given out by banks . and cc's .. I'm not on any of your accts., nor do I have POA of any sort, sux . but .. the bed you made, not me.
You need to make this someone else's emergency.
those all important checks that come as part of their retirement . .and the funds need to be deposited to his ck'g and a check written to accompany that all important form that needs to be retrieved . sits unattended to. Surely not.
NONE of this is mine to own ... NONE OF IT ....
He was given ample warning he needed to get these matters attended to, and so here we sit.
Him .. essentially . for all practical purposes . not really able to even provide much audible input as to the direction forward . her . with her mental faculties so scrambled that she would only see my involvement as intrusion and .. would find in it .. that I'm "taking over" and animosity that I don't care to have to stand in and weather .. I just don't care that much.
So . she turns on a light switch and finds her power has been shut off due to non payment . I guess . at that point .. she and her compromised self will have to reach out to her daughter, or whoever she can .. and .. at that point . them figure it out . "oh dam looks like B didn't pay the light bill, what do I do .. I can pay it, how do I do that, what do I do here" ..
Or .. I can just say eff it .. he had the opportunity to right the course of things and chose not to . .let it all fall to h377 in a dam handbag ..
If these people can't take care of themselves - let the issue get forced. If there are no lights at K's - then the issue with her ability to take care of herself might be forced into the open more than it is now.
Your dad had plenty of time - HIS choice NOT to act. Don't bandaid this - it is too big of a mess already.
By the way - how is DD?
How is DH? i had a laugh at his scolding you about K. He couldn't even go see his mom sometimes, often, it made him too sad. And he is lecturing you about K?
have ya seen that in passing . maybe the cable tv bill, what about those checks sent to you guys as your retirement health ins bene's .. have those arrived here, need to get those deposited .. need to grab a few things here, to help him out".
That will go over like the Hindenburg ...
I really .. honestly .. why should I even put myself in that position . for what .. ??....
Don't want to do so.
And not only that, . that is his wife . and at some point .. (I agree, he's too weak right now, no argument from me on that one) .. at some point, he's gotta stand up and be counted for and SPEAK TO HIS WIFE .. and not duck behind all this illness .. and . not put me as the voice to his problems .. problems he well had time to address . and was prompted repeatedly to address, by me, and didn't do so.
So now we have ..... at present ..
When he was hospitalized . and far worse off than he is at present, though even at present, it ain't all that great ..
He asked of me, "can you get maybe SS to grab my wallet, checkbook there .. and get it to you .. to be honest I need to figure out . .it's all such a mess .. I don't even know where my cc stands as to the balance on it (not like him) . ... he uses his cc to pay all his bills and then jets a check off monthly to pay that cc, this I remember from having done this last year this time. It's all such a mess, .. I need to maybe look at what bills are due . and maybe get a read for that cc . and what the balance is . if you could reach out to SS .. I know she's in and outta there all the time, maybe if she can get her hands on my wallet/billfold, . and my ckbook . and get that to you . that would be helpful".
I did that, asked SS to do so, then subsequently met her at a neutral spot . to retrieve what she could find . a wallet, that's it. She couldn't find the ckbook.
I have his wallet in my possession. Haven't even given it a cursory glance as to what's in it .. why bother?
Yea, I can call the 1-800# on his cc .. and maybe enter the cc # . .and get . perhaps . I dunno . they may require I provide last 4 of social . or a PIN (I don't have that) so why bother .. I haven't tried .. haven't even attempted ..
Perhaps I could call that 1-800# and get the cc balance, and who knows, maybe even find out the thing hasn't been paid in two months . and is in danger of being shut off as a credit line .. I don't know .. I have no idea.
And I have zero power to act on his behalf. None.
I could even call the local electric company . and enter his address on their automated phone system . and get the bill . as to his electric bill .. that I know I could get ... without any identifier info, . over the phone ..
But do what with that info?
Try to use a cc that I have no idea if it's viable, and get it paid for him . pay it myself out of my account, . .and explain to him later when he's stronger, . "oh hey dad wasn't able to use your cc to pay your light bill, you owe me $225 for your electric bill" ..
Same with the cable tv .. I could probably get that info, just by entering his addy . on an automated phone system .. with the cable company. But do what with it .. try to use a cc that I don't even know if it's viable at this point . maybe in an overdue status .. ??.. I don't know.
And I'm nobody to any of these entities . and so . to try to even jump into that rabbit hole . why bother ..
I don't honestly even know what all he pays out his own funds monthly . and she out of her own funds .. I've never been made privy to all that ..
So . yes . it is something I think of in the wee hours when I awaken and can't sleep .. "Gee, . I wonder if she's gonna go to turn on a light in the house and find herself shut off over there . cuz the power bill wasn't paid .. wonder if she's gonna flip on that tv, and get nothing . cuz that cable bill wasn't paid . surely they aren't in danger of loosing their health insurance supplement because those all important
I'm suggesting that you tell SS to tell K that Dad is probably not coming home. And that they need to start looking at the available sites. Not to tell them where he is going. Or where he is. Or for you to talk to K.
Just plant a seed. That's all I'm saying.
If you get dad to appoint you POA, you can show up at the house with police escort -- civil standby -- to allow you access. Not suggesting that you want to become POA, his lawyer might be a better choice.
The chemo tx's have left him with really pretty bad neuropathy in his hands/fingers.
Used to be pretty adept at emailing . but that's no longer really an option with his neuropathy. So . not like someone can hand him a laptop and him shoot off an email to me.
It's really really hard at this point to try to communicate with him effectively . at all. Seems like some of it might be easier, . maybe/perhaps . if in person . but because of Covid that's not possible, so it's only via phone.
Frustrating.
I know at present ... it's frustrating me, pizzing me off really . because had he seen to what I told him a year ago, repeatedly . we wouldn't be in this shape. So maybe .. Dorker . just let the chips fall where they may too dam bad . he made his bed . he has to lay in it now. Maybe that should be my approach.
But . explanation:
Last year about this time . he was hospitalized . and of course, at that time, so was his wife . .and I had .. at least at that time, the ability to go inside his home . .go get (at his instruction) .. his wallet . containing his ID info . his cc's . etc etc . and his checkbook (at his direction) .. go sort thru the mail, I pay the "electric bill, look for that, .. I pay the cable TV . grab that if you see it .. "
I can't remember what else .. to be honest.
Took his key . went into his empty house . sorted thru mail . found light bill, found able tv bill, found the form in his file cabinet as directed (his retirement, and her's . for that matter . they cut a check to them monthly .. each of them respectively . and that is to pay for their health insurance supplement . and there is some form, I retrieved it this time last year, as instructed by him) .. and that form gets completed . and sent as indicated . and those checks deposited into his ck'g acct . and a ck written to pay that supplement ..
This is all from memory a year ago, as to my helping him as directed.
At that time, I was alone in their house, free to roam and find . at will . his wife hospitalized. That is not the case at present . and no . she's not gonna be someone that would sit idly by and say "oh I don't know where he keeps all that, just look around, I'll be over here, reading the paper, let me know if you need me"
Not a chance in h377 that would happen . in fact, . it would be seen by her as a threat for me to do so . and she wouldn't stand for it, . a very adversarial approach were I to attempt any of that. Bet on it, take it to the bank.
Honestly, I don't care enough to get into any pizzing match with her or anyone else, ..my dad .. was advised by me, COUNTLESS times this time last year . ."Dad . you need to get your affairs in order, .. need to designate someone POA . your wife . her mental capacity is slipping and you need to have someone at the helm to help .. ". COUNTLESS times I advised that. To kicking the can down the road, and here we sit today . no way for me to assist . if I even want to.
If he wanted my help . .and I was willing, he should've put me on his ck'g acct . in the event of just what is presently occuring . and done that POA so that I can wave that around, where needed. He didn't.
And so now you have him laid up in a hospital bed (rehab) and barely able to communicate at all .. not with any real effectiveness. His wife .. cut off .. and even if she wasn't cut off . I'm not real sure she'd be of any help any dam way .. she is too .. scrambled in the brain to be able to do much of anything at all, IMO . and much less, not gonna be real motivated at this point to let me help him . she's cut off from him and understandably angry about it, . and not only that, I don't talk to her, on purpose ...
So for me to show up over there, "oh hi K, nice day today huh . oh btw . I'd like to look thru this filing cabinet here, .. need to grab that form you guys use to pay health insurance, . dad sent me here . oh and ya know, I think I need to dig up that electric bill too . .
I have zero control in getting involved in all that. That would necessitate I step way deep into all this and try to direct. I will, at some point, as my dad progresses forward .. speak to him about that as a notion . .and see what his thoughts are, . and how he'd like to direct that in his choices he is to make for himself and his setting .. but .. I don't care to get mired in it all and be the one at the forefront, . "oh Mr./Ms. SNF site director, let me tell you .. what we really need to consider here is that the two really . they should be apart . yes . visit one another, .. but . they really shouldn't be in any setting whereby she is still feeling as though she has to *control* what it is that's being done for/on his behalf, that will be a set up much like where he came from . and just . combative/hostile . and in the end, not safe".
Way more than I wanna stick my nose in all this. Way more.
Painfully slow process .. of getting to a point where my dad .. I need him to take the reigns here . and be more functional than he presently is able to be. Still, talking to him .. he agrees . his voice has diminished and become hard to understand . it's almost like he has to yell ... to get sound to come out, and that sound, .. almost like marbles in his mouth (yes, speech therapy ongoing . as is OT and PT) ..
I talk to him . and he tires .. so rapidly .. and .. maybe you get a couple of points covered .. maybe .. and he is having to . what sounds like shout . to get anything to come out of his voice box . and from there, the marbles . it's hard to understand what's said . (I'm not right there, can't enter, this is all via phone) . so you have to ask him to repeat himself . which frustrates him (and me) .. and further exacerbates the tired that comes on quickly with him.
Feels like he's not at any point . not yet (seems to be taking so long, and who knows what level it ever returns to honestly) ... feels like he's not at any point that one can .. lean back into him . that which is his to see to.
Case in point, . pointing out to SS . as Barb suggested, as to movement(s) forward . and I'm not at all sure that I should be the one to be breaking that news .. that should be up to him . .. to break that news, to what is his wife .. when/if they ever speak again. He should be the one to lower that boom on her, not me, not SS .. him. He will have to get a lot more "able/capable" than he is right now to be able to direct that show at all.
I happen to concur . interestingly enough, juxtaposed against the above, that he does need (considering who she is and her mental faculties and how that all exhibits) .. I happen to concur with his "confidential" status he's placed himself in . and thus .. his wife is persona non grata in all this.
I don't happen to think, not MO anyway . that he is in any way/shape/form able to withstand the barrage of her .. and what she's about, not at this point he isn't, no where close. H377 I can barely make any sense with him .. and mostly that's simply because he's hard to understand .. audibly . and .. I am firing on all cylinders mentally (or at least I think so). She wouldn't stand a prayer of being able to decipher/process/retain . what he manages to muddle out of his mouth .. not a prayer .. and ... it would serve to frustrate and confound both of them.
He gets frustrated . talking to me with my "Dad, I'm sorry can you repeat that, I didn't understand what you said".
When you consider the level of energy it's taking for him to even talk .. (seems like shouting . is all that can come out) .. and what it takes out of him to do so, it's frustrating for him (and for me).
My sensible SIL said, that's fine. "Look, here is mom's monthly intake (SS, dad's pension). The shortfall is made up for by both investment dividends and slowly selling off investments. We sell the house. She'll be fine".
When pricing facility care, you need to add in to available resources all of the monies you are paying for property taxes, HOA, maintenance, food, entertainment.
Dorker, does your dad have an investment advisor he can talk to?
So if K follows dad to facility and they have different floors, could it be feasible they be on different floors to give your dad and all involved some peace. They could still visit and have meals together. I know K likes to be attached to your father....
"SS, it seems like Dad will not be returning home. He will be in rehab for several more weeks buts he's going to need to go to a supportive living place, one that has all levels of care. He would love for K to join him in one of those. I think you and your mom should be looking at them and arranging to speak to directors, find out when tours will be starting. Nope, he can't go home; his medical needs have advanced to the point where he can't be anyplace where there isn't RN coverage 24/7. We did see from this last go round that she doesn't know when to call 911 and actively resisted getting him medical help. What if I hadn't been reachable that night, SS? My dad would have died of septic shock, sitting in his own
filth.
Of course, K would need to have a physical, etc, and a cog eval to be able to join dad, so maybe she wants to start thinking about those. It's her choice.
Let me know what you find. If K says no then I guess Dad will be moving himself."
It takes therapeutic fibbing to a new level. I'm not sure it's the right thing to do, but I'm just leaving it there for your consideration.
Just make sure that YOU don't get roped into researching other places. I think CM and your father will be quick to want you to do it.
There's also option "C" for cruise ship ending. Have to be medically stable to get on (& ships!). Sail away with your DNR & pass away at some tropical local. An elderly artist my sister knew did just that. His wife said he needed medical clearance to go, Doctor said this will be your last cruise but he got 3 more in.. body taken ashore & flown home.
Or option "D". As my Grandma did. Doctor said NH, too weak to go home. She said no thankyou. I'll go upstairs. Doctor said you are on the top floor of the hospital. She said the BIG upstairs. Said her goodbyes, stopped eating & drinking & slipped away.
Choices. Sometimes we don't know what we want until we work out what we DON'T want.
And besides all that, I'm not real sure both DH and I didn't get it already .. we were awfully sick ... he before I, . but me also .. a couple of months back. May have been Covid for all I know.
I did talk to my doc at a visit there today, about antibody testing . and accdg to him, the test isn't yet real reliable . give it a few months .. and also not covered by insurance . not yet. So, I'll wait.
And to answer Barb's question as to what it is my dad wants to see w/regard to K. I haven't asked him specifically. But kinda telling that in talking to him today on the phone . . he himself began talking of K's, ability to also join him at the site "Barkley" .. should he ultimately decide that's where he wishes to remain. Remember the CM noted that as his next stop for LTC for more rehab . but is also a SNF . and encompasses many levels of care there .. stating to him .. if he wishes to stay on there .. as his residence .. in LTC or whatever turns out to be the need for him .. he can do so, or not . he can research elsewhere if he likes .. but that this site encompasses many levels of care .. all the way from IL, to ALF . to SNF . and MC, her citing that MC aspect may be useful as to his wife .. as ultimately that's what she will need, sounds like.
In talking to dad today on the phone, .. sounds like CM had brought him some kinda packet he's been able to peruse some .. and seems pleased with what he sees . .in the shiny brochure. Saying . ."I think it's a place that K will like too, . and maybe I can convince her . to join me there".
So, no .. I haven't asked him specifically what he envisions as to her path forward . but he volunteered that info in talking to him today.
PS - I think he'd do better to go climb Mt. Everest in his weakened state than he will convincing her to go a.n.y.w.h.e.r.e.! That's my thought anyway.
Her daughter, SS .. has always maintained, he's the one that is gonna have to pull that trigger on alternate setting ... and when he does .. yes she will follow .. after a whole lot of drama and a bunch of utter b'chit .. and yes .. much tears and so forth .. but ultimately .. she will, in the end, want to be where he is.
Time will tell.
I still hold out reservation that he will do so himself .. he'll get a look at that pricing sheet .. (and by what I'm told, .. but who knows .. he has the resources for such .. between his assets/liquidity . and his LTC policy and her's) .. he has the resources . so I'm told .. but .. I'm betting he'll get a look at that price sheet (which is never included in the shiny brochure) .. and he'll decide that home is the better alternative . and w/promises of a c'giver .. and that won't last .. K will make certain that is nixed in short order, and then .. a whole new low . as to his level of slipping further into frailty . and/or a fall .. or whatever upends him outta there yet again . into a hospital stay.
I'm betting that latter will be the case.
Maybe it's hard for these old folks who are frugal and save all their lives .. planning for old age .. so they can be comfortable . and then when it comes time for that .. they don't wanna spend the $. Makes no sense to me . that's why you saved and scrimped .. just for this eventuality .. so spend it ..