I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Pushed by DH .. pretty much was just about to go to harsh words and so forth, .. SIL .. not at all pushing back, .. electing to let the mother direct it all, . it's her husband afterall. The other brother (not estranged yet) .. kinda on the periphery not really weighing in. DH however, pushback hard.
MIL even went so far .. at DH's pleadings to do otherwise, to say that she'd spoken to him about it .. and that he too, that was his wish .. that no one come to see him in the shape he was in. Doubtful that ever occurred, really .. he was so in and out of lucidity in those days .. one could've asked him, . "is it okay if we paint you orange and bunny ears on you", and he'd of agreed .. he was just so out of it.
He passed on .. and that family . the particular members of the family that had been forbidden to come and bid their g'byes .. had sore feelings over it all.
In the years to come, MIL would have to apologize to them .. and she did do so .. that she didn't handle it right .. wasn't in her right mind about it all, .. and if she had it to do over, she'd do differently.
I guess, the point there being .. have to defer to popular persuasion in this family.
Similar circumstances, as the Savior MIL always envisioned herself, was going to now step in and save the day with regard to OD of our situation . .and took her in .. and there she was going to do X, Y and Z to save the day .. and bring about restoration and functionality in this, in those days, severely mentally disturbed young woman. She was going to enroll her in school .. make sure she had a tutor .. blah blah blah.
Over here in this corner, me as legal guardian of OD in those days .. her a minor child . you had in me, *pushback* .. "she's a lost cause MIL .. just stop .. just stop it, you want me, as her legal guardian going to the school to enroll her, lining up appropriate help for her, .. and testing to get it .. and a whole bunch of steps that I'm here to tell ya . is gonna fail . leave me out of it .. you wanna take this on .. go for it .. but do it without me".
DH .. in the corner of .. "She's trying to do what she can .. ya have to let her Dorker .. maybe she can make a difference", pushed .. to sign on for this.
Soon .. wasn't long ... it was found out that not only was she going in the front door of the school and out the back .... to go smoke cigs all day .. waiting for them to come retrieve her, not participating in bettering her circumstances .. even though the steps had been taken .. by me, against my will, to get it set up .. she wasn't even showing up to work either .. they'd drop her off, .. she had a buddy that was coming to get her, and they'd go hang out and do whatever it is they do, for what would be the duration of her work shift .. drop her off to be picked up again by MIL and FIL.
Point there, this family has a deeply ingrained failure to "listen" .. it's been there for a long long long time ..
DH maybe .. maybe he knows that .. it's been his life .. nobody listens to anyone.
Thus . he bends/sways to the wind .. and popular persuasion and puts his energies/focus where he can enjoy the spoils of his efforts and see a "difference".
That'd be my laymen's opinion anyway . at least on the surface.
It's never gunna happen. Not the way he is wired. It will never happen. On that front, he blows like the wind, to popular persuasion and rolls with the flow. If SIL should come down the pike with the mindset her mom is fine to be left alone again .. oh he says a good game, "That's not gonna happen, I will have some things to say about it".
We've seen it happen before. MIL was to have been carted outta here back in the spring .. that was the deadline .. as it had been said before that, "Well we can't bring her here in the dead of winter" .. to my pushback, "what does the weather have to do with any of it . you guys going by wagon train?".
SIL left, in the spring . her mom having cried pitiful tears that she can't do this, can't leave her home .. her things ..her memories .. DH having also been very aware that spring time was the marker to be ...
And instead .. popular persuasion from that corner, dictated the path forward. She'll be fine, we have a team now .. she has allowed (MIL) that neighbors, MOW drivers, housekeeper .. etc etc .. step up to be a part of the "TEAM".
We've seen it before.
Will he at this intersection .. yet again .. sway to popular persuasion should it come to that. Yep. Bet on it.
Maybe there's a reason why he stays in the throes of work restraints .. of church'ing .. maybe in those realms, he can make a difference .. and ... his works .. are felt by him .. and perceived by him as useful .. and he can captain the ship in those realms.
I can't help but think of a specific intersection so long ago in all of it, . I truly don't know what I'd of done either, but he had to yield, even though he fought it .. it almost went to blows with his mom.
His dad lay dying in their bedroom . having been discharged to home .. hospice now part of the scene.
I think MIL thought she'd bring him home .. and strengthen him .. the hospital had said he either has to go .... 1) Hospice, or 2) Rehab . but they'd done all they could do for him. He wasn't really a candidate at this point for Rehab as he couldn't ambulate at all, so weakened. But MIL thought .. at least initially .. she'd bring him home, get a hospital bed brought in .. there, they'd work to strengthen him.
She soon found out, like a day or two .. that wasn't going to be possible. Hospice then summoned into the scene.
In those final days .. which really, once it reached that juncture . it didn't take all that long for him to begin to slip in and out of consciousness .. now at this point, his physical appearance pretty emaciated from having weathered a 1 month stay in the hospital that did nothing to get him better .. it wasn't possible.
The family .. some of them ..in years prior . .. very very close to this family .. in younger years .. they all vacationed together, spent weekends traveling to one another's homes .. for the weekend, . to visit and enjoy one another .. the kids of this other family .. same age as MIL and her kids .. now grown, of course, all of them. Close family.
That close family then began to petition that they be given the allowance to come and visit and say their g'byes.
MIL FORBADE THIS in no uncertain terms. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
These were all people to whom .. the father had been an integral part of their lives .. for many many years.
But forbidden to come and visit .. say their g'byes, etc.
Reason given by MIL: "I will NOT have them coming to gawk at how bad he looks, . they can just remember him the vibrant person he always was .. nobody needs to come and see him in this state .. he looks so bad .. no .. absolutely not .. I don't want to hear another thing about it".
I have mixed feelings about a lot of things being said here.
Did DH tell SIL that because he thinks that is the answer? Or he couldn’t get a word in edgewise? And does it really matter what he said because SIL only hears what she wants to hear, she does not LISTEN.
Okay, I really would have liked to have seen DH hop a plane to IL, be the hero, direct that whole scene, and have stopped SIL from pulling the plug on rehab as a transition to a facility. But, in reality, him against MIL and SIL can you imagine the drama. In hindsight could he have really have made a difference?
Would my husband have hopped that plane? Nope.
DH’s passion, focus, something he went overboard with was his church. People and their church/religion is none of my business. It’s sad his family took a backseat to his passion, but there are far worse things he could have been spending his time on than church.
I do hope DH is finally over looking to Dorker to pick up his slack with MIL. That to me was his worst offense.
We all have very different lives. Most of us if we looked really hard at our families, lives and marriages we would see some things we ourselves would think bizarre if we thought about the subject for any length of time.
Dysfunctional families which a lot of us are or were a part of are tough and messy. Things that should be simple aren’t. Situations that should be a sprint deteriorate into a marathon.
Dorker, try to keep yourself distanced from the MIL dramarama.
The mis-sent text was priceless. Never underestimate the power of a hissey fit! Even though it was unintentional.
5,000 posts later we wait for “the event”. Will SIL crack up or will MIL have a catastrophic event.
Not defending him, he is indeed guilty of not stepping up .. and then also diverting it to me.
But his mom is also guilty of being too damned needy. For a long long time (that shipped sailed though by now) .. I used to encourage that she go get involved in a senior center (had no social outlet at all, no neighborhood coffee klatch .. no bingo team .. no card team of ladies that meet, etc .. nothing, isolated). I used to ride that one hard, . she needs to go engage with other seniors. She always refused that. "I don't wanna go over there, all those people in wheelchairs and oxygen .. and listen to all their ailments .. those are all old people".
SIL even went with her a few times to a senior center, trying to spark an interest and to show her . they aren't all slumped in wheelchairs, they even have chair exercise classes that people "Participate" in .. they have crafts/games .. and so forth, these aren't all folks slumped over and in a stupor. SIL carted her a few times herself . no interest/zip/zilch/none.
So .. while DH is sure guilty .. yep he is .. of diverting all this and not stepping up .. his mom is also guilty of not reaching out .. and engaging as to any social medium whatsoever. Found herself lonely a good deal of the time .. as a result.
For a long while, it was me as her social outlet .. take her to a doc appt. ,stop and have lunch out somewhere .. go get her even, before she got so bad off, go a to a movie and lunch .. me as that social outlet (as well as stepper fetcher).
That began to wane .. maybe even in part because it became rather obvious to me that the world goes on rotating for those whose charge it is to see to all this, not so for my world. And resentment grew in me .. and then there was a pregnancy of my daughter with complications and twins to arrive . and the turning point .. the watershed moment of it all .. hit me like a ton of bricks, these people don't give one chit if you are swamped and mired in all this and don't plan to do a thing to change it, not one thing.
So .. all of that churching ongoing . .during the time that things would lead to the breaking point in all this .. in the time I presented that I'd be needed on the daughter front/twin front .. and that .. a big breaking point in it all.
We have a pastor now, one we all enjoy and think a lot of .. he and his wife are wonderful people .. and so some of that church involvement .. has waned .. it has. But his mom's needs have only increased in that time frame, he was manning a disintegrating church .. socially . but also medically/healthwise.
I think there's plenty of blame to go around. His mom is not without fault either.
Many who were former members. Probably an attendance at that function of about 400 people .. from bygone days .. people that had moved away .. traveled back to attend this celebration. He declined to be a part of that committee and set up .. where formerly .. he was on any and everything that was to be done there.
The church recently did their Fall Celebration (halloween night) .. and in that setting, the parking lot gets set up with games .. and so forth .. bounce houses, .. dunking booth .. and there is an area to grill hot dogs .. and those are given out to the community that comes, an outreach .. and he declined to be a part of all the planning of that program. He was there on site, to cook hot dogs on the grill, and to help set it up .. but the meetings that went on weekly as to the games that would be played .. how they'd be acquired .. and who would man them .. and what would be the prizes .. etc etc etc .. he declined to be a part of that ..
Point being . there was a time he was there everytime you turned around .. for one reason or thirty ..
Now, .. that has gotten better in control .. after all this time.
I believe in the bible and prayer myself. And when he says to his sister "I'm praying" .. and her retort .. "I don't need prayer I need teamwork".
The irony there .. the just outright irony of it all. I know what his prayer is .. I hear him pray about it .. he prays for direction ... he prays for peace ... among those aggrieved in it all .. he prays for strength for his sister and discernment . he prays for his mom . that she be more amiable to placement and a safe place that she can be happy. He does pray for specifics .. not just "I'm praying" and left at that, .. he does elaborate .. on what his prayers are.
Do I find fault with him .. on the fact that he would continually turn to me to step to this need .. all while he has a plank in his eye. You bet I do .. even still. But .. he who is without sin .. cast the first stone. I, as a christian .. am to represent God's love and patience .. and I don't always do that myself .. thus I can't cast a lot of stones. The old saying .. "We all fall short of the glory ...", applicable.
I'm not defending him .. he handled things .. for a long long time .. and still does .. woefully wrong wrong wrong. But vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord.
My job .. as a christian is to spread God's light and hope .. and I don't always follow through .. I fall short .. a lot.
The bible does command that (Matthew) that one can walk away and dust their feet from those who will not hear them, and that's what I've done .. as to the sister and the mother.
So the sister doesn't need prayer, she needs teamwork. Well, I'd like to know just precisely what "team" was in place before I stepped away .. and there didn't seem to be much complaint at that point . not from her corner. That "team" she needs .. was me .. and now I'm out of it. That's okay too .. they are, as christians to honor and respect their parent(s). So they can figure out what to do .. without me.
So yea, his argument .. when pushed to the wall .. on the fact that he routinely forsaked his mom and her needs in lieu of church need .. heard it once or a thousand times, "WHAT??!?!!?, She needs me, I'm there .. I was just there to fix _______, I just went there to check on her the other day when she was sick, WHAT??!?!?", as he marched off to yet another church duty ... far too often.
That he has so little time . between all it takes to prop that church up .. and his work, and then want for recreation and escape to hunt.
They weren't wrong. It was a fight I was waging here also. I even went to the one other guy .. the elder .. and plead my case to him . that he isn't doing things right .. his family is being forsaken in all this. The elder noted my concerns and said he would speak to DH and he did do so .. and it lightened some .. for a while, only to return to the same full force head-on .. work to save the church.
At this point, I was being campaigned at hard by him .. that he wanted to step into an elder role there (leadership) and I fought it, wouldn't co-sign for same, ,urging routinely for him to spend more time with his aging/needy mom .. that's where his priorities are askew. Said it often .. and no I wouldn't sign on for that role for him, and said so to anyone who would listen. And there was agreement .. on behalf of anyone that would listen .. that he has to take care of home first.
Didn't stop it though.
I often said of him, to him even .. "you have some kinda hero worship syndrome .. you wanna march off to that church to all the accolades there of the people who adore you and all your works, .. and your family is falling apart .. maybe you'll have a better answer for it, to GOD cuz you sure don't have one for me". And he didn't.
The fight we would have on that specific front .. coming from him. DH: What?!?!?!?! My mom needs me, I'm there .. I was just there, her garage door was broken and I went and fixed it .. what?, I'm not ignoring her . she needs me I get there".
Me: "NO DH .. not for the FIXIT CHIT .. spend time with her, go visit her .. don't just breeze in and fix chit .. visit with her".
DH: "I DO .............. I go there to fix something and I sit with her and have a sandwich and talk to her .. and visit .. I do".
Whatever .... I couldn't win. I gave up.
His mom and sister not happy with all his over-involvement at the church, me not happy with it. But off he'd go to yet another need there.
Eventually when I kept holding back on any authorization (wife has to be agreeable) for leadership there .. and had said so enough .. and to more than just him .. (still no pastor there). He did begin to even turn some things down there at church .. as to his participation and it began to be more of an amiable agreement when his mom needed him, rather than a fight to get him on that front.
After that pattern continued for a long while and I could see, at least in my opinion .. he was prioritizing better. I signed on .. for him to take on a leadership role there.
And there he remains, in that role.
A lot of things have settled since that tumultuous time .. we have a pastor now .. there is now a hired lawn crew. He is still on the front of a lot there, .. but not as much. A great example, there was a big fall clean up there in recent weeks, .. time to repaint some areas of the church .. time to clean up summer weeds/yard debris .. time to plant some fall flowers and mulch some areas .. he was on the front, . some others also .. He still teaches Sunday School but has a working situation now where her rotates in and out of that role .. every few weeks and is not the sole one doing so .. as opposed to previously no one else to do it. He doesn't fight me anymore, as he once did .. if there are weekend plans .. that now conflict with his attendance at church .. he will agree .. now .. as opposed to previously that the church will go on .. without him there .. he can miss a Sunday and the place won't crumble into a heap of bricks and mortar in his absence. He turns down some things now. The church just celebrated a 50th anniversary . and there was as planning committee put together .. to have a big church dinner, catered food brought in .. and parking for the many who would come (and they did)
People on the outside, looking in, not knowing the dynamics at play here probably think DH is AMAZING. He probably gets a LOT of "attaboys". I'm sure he enjoys that. However.....
IMHO, if you don't take care of your own, first, whatever you do for others is not really that important. Yes, he made a manful effort to keep the church community afloat--but at what cost? You still don't seem to have a pastor you like, people are leaving and your little congregation can't keep up with the needs of the few members. He's neglected his wife and mother and sister...for what? If you all were a 'regular family' of the church community would he have acted differently? Shown up and helped instead of griping about things?
I've always been taught that your own home should be in order before you take on tasks aside from your family. I belong to a fairly large, very well organized church. I have several "callings"---but each time I am asked to fill a new or different position, the question is always posed to me "Will this adversely affect your home life in any way?" If the answer is yes, I don't take on the call.
Family first. Always.
And no, you don't get the "kudos" and warm fuzzies that come from helping "strangers"....but you are doing what's right, not what necessarily "feels good".
I'm not trying to bash poor DH, I'm sure in his own way he's trying to do right. But like I said before--he needs to see what's right in front of him and deal with it. Or do nothing and nothing will change. Up to him.
This was now down to about half of what it had been previously and now even more were leaving .. not liking this new pastor.
By now, the former leadership that handled things so poorly, had all stepped down. There was no leadership and a pastor no body liked.
One guy .. who had not formerly been in any leadership role there (very active there, but no title) .. stepped up to that role, and was voted in as the one lone elder. DH was already a "deacon" by this point.
In the middle of all the above, the former pastor who left abruptly . started a new church .. oh about 3 or 4 miles from the original church. That took about half of what remained there as members, .. now down to about 70 .. on a good day. Many now left to go join the former pastor's church that he was now starting.
Count me among those who wanted to leave the church and had many heated discussions on that very topic and in fact, quit going entirely myself, for a while .. kind of in silent protest at it all.
Ultimately the disliked pastor was dismissed. And that left the church once again with no pastor.
Well now . you had a diminshed roll there of members .. and so the teams that used to .. for instance, cut the grass, lawncare .. there used to be teams of 2 that would do it, and a rotation of six different teams. That now reduced to about 3 or folks total .. so DH on the scene .. usually .. once a week . to do lawncare. The church, if it ever could afford to hire that out, it sure couldn't now.
A committee was formed to find a new pastor, DH on that committee, meeting once weekly to go through resumes .. skype (not him .. he is not tech enough to set that up, but can participate) . with any candidates that were of interest. He was now being courted, hard to step into an elder role .. there .. leadership.
That one I fought vehemently for about a year or more, the wife has to sign on for same and I wouldn't. He was a deacon at that point, meaning he would do fix it projects there, the d/w breaks .. he as a deacon fixes it .. the ice machine breaks in the kitchen, he as a deacon fixes it .. (he was the only deacon) ..
He stepped into the role of teaching Sunday School on Sunday .. absent anyone else to do it. He was part of a men's bible group that meets monthly for breakfast and prayer (still does). He was on the scene there, a lot .. he and the one other guy who cared to step up and try to save that church ..
Required a LOT of his time.
At the same time his mom's needs increasing . . me more and more on the front with his mom, watching him attend to a disintegrating church .. and in the b'ground .. raising a ruckus with him about it.
His first responsibility as a christian is to his family .. not his church and I vehemently fought that, for a long long time.
Had no pastor to go to, to plead my case, church had no pastor .. services on Sunday were via .. whatever guest preacher we could solicit to come in .. not someone on the scene that knew any of us. That was the norm for a period of about 18 months or so again, as the search on now, again, to find another pastor, DH on the team that was to decide that.
In those days, .. between his churching .. which required an inordinate amount of this time .. and his hunting .. which rolls around in the Fall and the Spring .. he was absent almost anything home and hearth .. here or his mom and I fought it.
I can remember, . one of his favorite phrases as I would raise the roof over it all, "this is a season .. we're weathering a season here ... it will pass" and my response, "your mom and her poor health is also a season .. the birth of your grandchildren that would like some of your time, is also a season".
It was in those days that his sister would spout .. as would his mom .. that they wish the church didn't take up so much of his time and energy. That he has so
We joined a church several years back, probably 300 plus strong at that point. Absolutely loved the flavor of the sermons there, the people there, the serving the community in various endeavors .. in service to our heavenly deity, Jesus.
We had probably been members there a year .. maybe a bit more, .. when the pastor abruptly left the pulpit. We didn't know why, most didn't, . initially.
The reason, as it began to seep out .. there was office conflict . and he would tell it, little to no support from leadership there in the church to quell it. Poor leadership. It's not a church that is run through some national/regional higher organization, it's an independent christian church. Leadership is the "rule" some regional/national organization.
I still don't know, to this day .. whose feet the whole thing rests in. I know the church sect'y there, much beloved .. had been there far longer than the pastor .. her husband suffered a horribly life altering accident .. now wheelchair bound, but for months and months and endless months, he was in the hospital and whether he would even survive was questionable.
In the end, .. I guess the pastor's belief was that the church sect'y .. was riding the whole thing like a broken record .. and failing to do her job. And yes, I'm referring to the end, as in .. the husband now in a wheelchair, home from the hospital .. and PT ongoing .. and so forth .. the matter of whether he would survive long since dispensed with, .. he was out of the woods, but his .. and her's life changed forever.
To hear it told, .. (I don't know, I'm not leadership .. nor was I ever) .. she was counseled, that she needs to show up to work, and do her job .. more than once .. and .. failed to do so. The pastor, .. wanted her put on notice, .. and continual failure to show up .. would perhaps cost her, her job. She'd been there probably 10 years, .. him six.
Leadership wouldn't fall in line with that thinking .. and so .. conflict resulted.
This, none of it, was common knowledge, while it was ongoing.
But ultimately, the pastor announced he was vacating his position/resigning .. and would work until the end of the year (this was about July). No one knew why ..
But by the next weekend, he had cleaned out his office, and vacated his position there. Still don't know what caused the abrupt departure, after he'd said he would be there, several more months. Still don't know, to this day.
When he left, .. and word leaked as to why .. there was division . divided camps. Some who were all team church sect'y .. and loved her dearly, left the church entirely .. diminishing the rolls there.
Behind that, those that remained .. I don't know the count . but it was diminished some, hung in there .. and the search was on now, for a new pastor. That search took about 18 months. In that interim, others left .. seeking a church that has a pastoral staff. Ours had none for that period.
We were now down to about half of what was once a 300 plus membership there. And a new pastor brought in. Many, including myself, disliked him immensely and wanted to leave the church .. directly at the feet of his pastoral or lack thereof skills. Didn't like him at all. More people left, feeling as I did.
But DH .. all about, by this point in time .. that he wasn't going to let the church be destroyed and he would jump on the bandwaggon of saving the church, he and the few left .. the few who will actually step up and do anything. Any church is filled with "pew sitters" .. they show up every Sunday .. but that's all, you never see them on any committee, or any planning session or doing anything .. at all. Many of those, in every church.
During my six year caregiving ordeal my faith probably hit its low point but has since bounced back somewhat. But even during the low I still found myself praying. Maybe by habit, maybe in desperation, maybe still a toehold of faith. Hard to say for sure...
Anyhoo - as Barb and Midkid have said, more or less - it’s the throwing up the “I’m praying” in the face of doing nothing. Making the statement and gesture no
more than a meaningless cliche.
I mean - SIL is cleaning up diarrhea and dh is praying and hunting and churching and pointing an accusatory finger at his wife.
I KNOW ITS SILs CHOICE. SIL
is sitting in a puddle of poo of her own making. I GET THAT. But it does not excuse dh’s continuing sideline sitting behavior - justifying it to himself and trying to justifying to SIL by saying “I’m praying”. Yeah, that makes it all alright.
Seriously - talking about pizzing on someone’s shoes and telling them it’s raining?!! Seriously?
My grandmother always said, "God helps those who help themselves" As you said, Faith without works....
My humble opinion is that DH is a narcissist and a hypocrite. He's not doing any of the heavy lifting, and he blames his wife when she won't do his part, hers and everyone else's. Sad excuse for a marriage, in my view.
But hey, that's Dorkers lookout, not mine
(Warning. I’ve been watching the Hallmark channel).
Anyone else’s opinions or best efforts are wasted if it doesn’t conform with what SIL understands her mission to be in caring for MIL.
MIL chose SIL to row the boat and DH has known his place all his life as it relates to his mother and sister.
Its SIL job per MIL request and SIL acceptance. (And SIL has the Five Wishes to prove it).
Regardless of how one feels about prayer, that’s pretty much the position DH has been assigned...,that and handyman.
Now it’s down to SIL working this situation until clarity comes to her on what her next step is. If she doesn’t like how things are going she, as team leader, must
After all it’s worked pretty well to just call Dorker all these years so it’s gotta be tough figuring out what to do now that the need has increased and the resources seem to have diminished.
We know SIL is singleminded when she wants something, but she may have met her match with DH.
MIL is getting great care. As bad as we may feel for BIL, he is probably well cared for also. M’s dogs are the only ones being neglected that I notice. SIL has to wrestle this one to whatever conclusion.
Dear Dorker has let it goooo!! Yippee!!
and for that we are all grateful.
I consider myself to be a "woman of faith" and as such, prayer is a huge part of my life.
Prayer is great. Communicate with God. Thank Him for what you're blessed with. Ask specifically for help in your daily activities and to be guided as to where to serve HIM. Then, get up off your knees and GET TO WORK.
It takes anywhere between 30 seconds and 2+ hours to pray. His "I'm praying about it" is a little passive/aggressive. DON'T tell me you're praying for me if you're not. I don't care, but don't insult me with it. DO SOMETHING.
If he's praying for answers, to me, they are coming thick and fast: MIL cannot live alone. Where can she live where she can live (somewhat) happily and safely. How does he go about finding such a place. Well, start by looking up NH's online. Go visit a few. Make inquiries. FIND OUT if MIL has any money left. Seriously, this is not rocket science.
(It's always bugged me that DH did all this "churching" and neglected the beam in his own eye--his mother--for the motes in others.)
Ah well--
There is a great tale of a man who finds himself trapped in a flood. He prays for God to save him. Soon, his neighbors come by in a small boat and offer to help him get out of the flooded house. "No" says the man, God is sending help." Soon the floodwaters are up to the 2nd story of his home. A powerboat comes by with rescue workers "Sir, let us evacuate you from the flood". "No" comes the reply, "God is sending someone". Finally he is on the roof of his home, completely flooded out. A helicopter comes by "Sir! Grab the ladder, we can get you to safety!!" "No," replies the man. "God is sending someone".
The man drowns and goes to Heaven. Meets God. Says "I prayed for help and you didn't come!" God looks at the man, shakes His head and says "I sent YOUR NEIGHBORS, A POWERBOAT with rescuers and a HELICOPTER. What were you expecting?"
What is DH expecting? All the answers are clear as day to everyone but him and SIL.
The absolutely last thing I want to do is turn this wonderfully vibrant and insightful thread into a rant, debate or argument about religion and God. So pleeese fellow posters - let’s not go there, okay?
But it’s been bugging me - dh’s response to SIL that he’s praying regarding this situation.
What exactly do you suspose he’s praying for?
MIL to be made young again?
MIL to be made healthy once more?
Dorker to quit being so unreasonable and put on her steppin’ and fetchin’ boots?
or perhaps the all encompassing “sign”?
Cause based on dh’s past behavior - God could erect a billboard outside of dh’s house saying “get off your azz and participate in your mothers care” and dh wouldn’t see it.
Do you suspose dh is so clueless - so blind - that it hasn’t occurred to him that millions of other people - people dealing with declining, aging, sick and suffering loved ones haven’t said prayers of their own? Is dh so arrogant that he thinks God will answer his prayers alone - maybe as a reward for all of dh’s churching?
Do you think it’s ever occurred to dh that this might be one of those situations where God is saying “you show me yours then I’ll show you mine”? And even then - the outcome isn’t God dipping MIL in that fountain of youth.
As as far as I’m concerned - and I’ll bet SIL as well - dh might as well as of said “I’ll be wishing on rainbows”.
Absolutly no offense intended so please - no one get ticked off, okay? But it just seems to me that dh is willing to use any excuse to keep him from actually having to do something - anything!!!
Oh we'd go occasionally .. or maybe occasionally just him .. but it was the exception, not the rule. And mostly .. it would be at my prompting, myself along for the visit.
Or the other request I used to routinely make of him .. and it N-E-V-E-R happened. He and I generally start out every day .. with our coffee to start the day. I've asked him countless times, .. "why don't you . not all the time, but sometimes .. rather than sit w/me for our coffee in the morning, run thru the fast food restaurant or whatever, grab some coffee and a breakfast sandwich and go sit with your mom before you start your day .. just some of the time, she'd love that .. for you to just come do that on occasion. Never happened, not once.
I quit asking a long long time back.
But again, another point that pops up into this steel trap mind of mine that doesn't forget things that are really in the end, nothing more than yesterday's news. But . reminders for sure .. "I was way more vested in all this than he is .. way more". That is wrong!
And him all too happy to shove that messy dirty plate over to my side of the table to dispense with it. And I did it, far too long.
Our church did get back on the rails, some time back. He is still heavily involved, but thankfully it doesn't take the level of "on the scene" involvement that was once the case. But .. even still .. even though those responsibilities fell by the way side, .. a lot of them .. it still didn't change those requests that were made of him, by me, with regard to his mom. I had stopped asking by that point in time.
And I won't be going further ..
Whatever works in the future .. it will be because he and his sister have worked it out, as it should be. And seeing that there is a humongous gap in ability to communicate .. it's doubtful much will get worked out.
In fact, I got the feel from what he had to say from communicating with his sister that she is upset with him . that he simply offers up "I'll pray ...", her responding, "This isnt' the time for prayer, this is the time for Teamwork".
Good I'm no longer on the receiving end of that communication myself. She might've gotten an answer from me, along the lines of .. "yea . teamwork, what's that . sure hasn't been the case with anything I've seen the last umpteen years .. teamwork, my azz".
Good the two of them .. whatever form it takes going forward, . as it should be, can work together .. or more likely the case, not.
The fact that would even cross anyone's lips as a thread/theme of .. mother is so unhappy here, she didn't want to have to do this .. this has made her miserable to have to be here .. and in the end *there was no hurricane any way*.
Just .. the thread of that .. the theme there .. to me .. it speaks volumes. It will never ever be about anything but what pleases mother. Anyone else and their considerations/concerns .. are dispensable and not to be of any concern. The only thing that will be on the forefront is mother's happiness.
So .. the only thing left to do .. is to exit it all.
That isn't the page that I'm on. Nor should I have to be. I wouldn't be on that page with my own mother .. and this isn't my mom. If that's the page you're on SIL . .knock yourself out .. make it happen for her .. thru and thru .. do whatcha' gotta do.
So .. it gets mention .. (supposedly) AL on the radar .. to what degree I don't know . and don't care in truth. Because .. I'll believe that any avenue/path forward when it happens (when pigs fly). So .. good.. you go gurl! You get that done! Leave me out of it. I suspect it will never happen. I have no clue how SIl will manage the forward days with her mom . .. so vehemently opposed to any placement anywhere .. and so vehemently opposed to any setting that isn't her very own house and "all jumping to the beat of that drum". Good luck with that, no longer my torch to carry, at all.
Unfortunately, for me, .. I guess .. too tender a heart .. I wish there was a magic button I could go push that was a "mean gene" . .and I would just be mean and not sorrowful at time at how this has all collapsed completely. But, reminders to myself .. routinely of the reasons it got this way and truly . none of them at my feet. Truly. (Other than the mis-sent texts .. full of anger/frustration . no name calling .. no cursing .. but thru and thru, it was evident, the anger). That, I am at fault for.
At times, I do still get sorrow filled .. I guess maybe somewhat like what grief wold feel like ..???...grieving what once was .. grieving what won't be .. anymore. I don't know. I'd like to find that "mean gene" and just be mean about it, and crass and cold and aloof. Maybe in time.
And as another point that I ponder in it all. There was a time in all this, not so long ago . that DH was heavily mired in our broken church .. propping it up .. between he and one other guy there .. and it took a lot .. being on that front a WHOLE LOT. And .. at that time, I was still mired in the MIL saga .. full speed ahead. I would routinely hear .. from SIL, from MIL .. that they wish he had more time for that setting .. that he'd make more time for that setting. Me too, . in those days I wished too, that he'd do so .. and here in this household even, as a matter of fact. He and I had many many disagreements on that issue in those days.
But I recall .. clearly .. especially with MIL's and SIL's statements in mind, .. I'd implore DH to go and spend the night with his mom .. for no reason other than to just spend some time with her. It would get an "ugh" . .and a turn up of the nose .. as if I'd asked him to paint the house. And it n-e-v-e-r happened, not once. Even though I used to ask .. repeatedly that he do that. N-E-V-E-R .. not once happened. Oh he'd go spend the night at times of acute illness .. or injury .. generally then having to leave by the next morning .. for work or whatever. But .. the point there being . go spend some time with her, for no reason than to just keep her company .. to give her some of your time. It never happened.
I recall asking him also .. why don't you set it in stone .. every-other-Sunday .. after church . belongs to her, take her to lunch if she's up to it .. or bring lunch to her, .. mark it in stone. N-E-V-E-R once happened. Didn't want to "commit" to anything written in stone.
Let me be clear in case anyone doesn't understand it from the beginning. This all started some 15 plus years ago .. and in the beginning ..it wasn't what it would ultimately become. In those beginning years .. MIL was mostly able to manage . .sans the occasional doc appt where she'd be anesthetized or something of a procedure that would otherwise render her needing help. But outside of that, . she mostly managed on her own.
It grew through the years to what it would ultimately evolve to .. as these things always do.
There are markers all along the way in the thing, in my own mind, turning points/watershed moments .. that for me, .. at least in my experience, began to shine the harsh glare that this wasn't working . and need increasing and I began sounding that alarm .. I'd say maybe as long as 5 or 6 years ago .. in small muffled tones .. only to go away and retreat to my corner, and resuming the march of the drum beat from afar.
It was only about 1 1/2 years ago .. as the final sounding blow in all this . that I began to really get loud about it .. and saw that too, made no difference in any approach going forward. My voice drowned out in the "She'll manage" refrain that was absolutely the resounding refrain in it all. It wasn't all 15 years . a nightmare that it is today.
A few things that resonate presently as I wade these waters away from this storm.
One of those .. of course, being the other day with that text sent back to me, after having asked her 2 x's .. to call not text (of course, I threw the first salvo for sure, in mis-sent texts expressing some strong frustration and anger). But followed that 2 x's with a request for a phone call .. and she didn't do so, nor mention any plan to do so, but thought it appropriate in that medium to then text "we must all remember, she's a person too, with her own desires and concerns for her circumstances".
If I had it to do over, I probably would've thrown another barb out there in the form of, "...and precisely what about the last 15 G'da&M years .. tells you that hasn't occurred".
But I didn't. I didn't respond. I simply blocked her ability to text from there forward, and I'm glad that I did. I, of course, have no idea if she's attempted to do so .. and I don't care. I have a phone . two of them in fact, a landline house phone and a cell, she knows the numbers for both. Call if you'd like .. but obviously she doesn't wish to do so .. So be it. I also don't "wish to be involved" any longer. So there ya go, we're both happy! You don't have to answer to me, question that put you on the spot as to how you'll negotiate life with your mom who refuses to see any other avenue than staying in her home. You don't have to discuss that with me a longer SIL. HOORAY. But you also don't have in me, any propping up .. at all, in it. And HOORAY for me! It's a win/win.
But not only that. I must either be incredibly obtuse .. or an eternal optimist .. I don't know which. If I thought for a single slither of a second that there'd be any opportunity to talk/dialogue/discuss all of this, and I did .. for a long time, hold out that hope. The words that DH shared the other day that they are both very upset about this whole "having to exit" for hurricane season .. born right straight out Dorker's demands .. "there hasn't been any hurricane afterall".
So .. once again, evidence .. in plain sight .. couldn't be any clearer . it's all about MIL .. and her happiness or lack thereof .. and the means to that end .. no matter the cost to anyone else. The fact, that hurricane season here, brings about peril that may mean evacuation .. and watch the news stories .. utter and complete devastation in communities where those hurricanes zero in and land. The
The problem is that SIL and DH are not trustworthy - they are scared kids and you will never be able to reach any agreement with them that you can rely on their keeping. Any offer of help would simply mean Dorker would be getting back on the hamster wheel. That is how SIL and DH would interpret it. So, I would advise being a blank wall here. Keep your power in YOUR hands.
It is so great when people can cooperate to reach a goal - but with some people you simply cannot.
If there is any hope of a good result, it will be because you have blocked off their way of dealing with MIL by exploiting you. And for sure let SIL and DH do ALL the assisted living/NH search. Avoid putting yourself in any situation which they could construe as "helping" team MIL. This is their mess to fix. You have much better and more joyful things to do. Great to hear about Halloween!
What a sad tale! I'm wondering if MIL had a stroke in her early 60's that no one appreciated, which led to this poor decision making.
I understand that he was/is considered the Black Sheep of the family.
In my book, he's the smart one.
This is a runaway train. So glad you're getting off.
Just my 2 cents...
If SIL wants MIL to pass away in her own home, then SIL does need to come to FL, move in with MIL, give up her own life and do the work. It seems to me she wants the power, without the responsibility.
SIL and DH didn't care a bit that you had all that responsibility Dorker, for 15 years. All that responsibility but no power. They gladly let you do the work but they didn't want your input. You had no say in anything. And when it led you to extreme depression they didn't want to "hear it".
And now they wouldn't mind at all if you were right back there. Wow.
Don't even think about stepping back in, in any way.
Alas--
We know this family CANNOT communicate well, if at all. EVERYTHING is a 10, or maybe an 11. Minor decisions/health issues are fraught with drama. And to top it off, only ONE person in the "team" has their head on straight: Dorker, and yes, she was FIRED for being honest. Writing a letter stating over again what she will or will not do, going forth is pointless. They will SEE that she is done, eventually. She should stay the course, let the chips and old ladies fall where they may.
The very unhealthy dynamic of these kids with their half baked mother is disturbing and depressing. She sighs and they (well SIL) falls to pieces to make Mother be happy. Why should Dorker have to explain to anyone why she's not fawning and fussing over a situation that should have been dealt with long before the twins were born? She was sounding the "all alert" 1-1/2 years ago and nobody listened to her.
MIL has poor reasoning skills. So does SIL. So does DH. Nobody is running that circus--well, maybe the oldest monkey is. She's sure the noisiest.
Dorker just needs to be sure that all involved KNOW that she is OUT. A friendly, social only visit once in a while, yep, fine. Stepping one inch past that into poop scooping or errand running will have her back at the beck and call and all the talk and advice and drama will be for naught.
She has every right to say NO. NO to MIL living with her. NO to being even a once a week CG. NO to the endless texting and directives from afar. NO to checking on MIL's stupid car. NO to housing an incontinent dog. NO to supporting MIL living alone.
I, too, was "fired" from caregiving for my own mother. Not allowed on the property of my brother where my mother resides. He said he'd call the police if I came to his home. So, I meet mother on the SIDEWALK in front of the house, as that DOESN'T belong to brother. Yeah, it's stupid as all get out. I was fired b/c I wanted mother to have in home PT and 2 day a week caregivers. (Not family, our "team" fell apart in a week.) Brother was so enraged by this, a huge fight ensued. I have not talked to him since January.
Dorker--you keep on keeping on. It's going to be much worse before it gets "better". Just sit back and watch the show. Not much else you can do.
The long lost brother, estranged, .. on the scene in those days.
One of the first things .. that he had anything to say .. on anything that I guess he had a problem with .. (and in those days I was all TEAM MIL, what's it to him). He didn't come around a whole lot .. ever .. since adulthood .. but .. periodically yes.
One of the first things .. MIL in real estate in those days, sales person. I don't know what kinda $ that brings in .. none of my biz really. Her husband .. a liquor wholesale rep. Don't know what kinda $ that brings in either, none of my biz . .and in those days, me on TEAM MIL .. hearing her son (the estranged one) and his take on things .. I thought to myself, "well, gee .. what's it to him".
MIL . bought an expensive foreign car. Which, I suppose, she could haul clients around in style ....??..... I dunno. The brother had a problem it. His words, "Well I guess they can go wait in the soup line in their expensive foreign car". In those days, ... my thoughts .. "well .. gee .. what's it to him".
Retrospectively .. having lived too much of this saga .. I see his reason(s) for sounding off.
Then, .. after she retired .. I didn't know their financial situation .. it was none of my biz. She got braces on her crooked teeth. Yes .. at the age of probably 60 or 61 .. (she was retired early, just hung it up .. the whole rat-race thing .. and by then had become a manager of an office .. for the real estate firm she worked for. Tired of the grind .. she hung it up). Then went, and got braces on her crooked teeth. I don't know why. I would think most people, by the time they are 60 or so .. they've lived their life with their crooked teeth and they're used to it by that point .. or they have always always hated their crooked teeth and now find themselves with a windfall and they want it fixed. There was no windfall, that I was ever aware of.
Her son (the estranged one) thought that was about the most foolish thing he'd ever heard of, and sounded off on that one also (he of crooked teeth also, never fixed).
She then went, sometime after that and financed on a 0% interest cc .. a face-lift.
Again, the estranged brother sounded off.
Now referencing back to the expensive foreign car that sat in the d/w .. no longer necessary to cart clients around in it. "Well I guess . she'll look real pretty with her nice straight teeth and no wrinkles .. in her expensive foreign car .. sitting in the soup line".
Ultimately .. a decision made to RM the house .. I don't know why .. I know their mortgage payment was pretty nominal . in the $300 some odd range, it wasn't bad .. but I guess .. with her having thrown in the towel (her husband had been forced to retire .. was on unemployment for a long long time, the biz he worked for closed and moved .. and finding another job at his age, doing what he'd always done .. liquor sales .. not possible). I guess once the unemployment ran out .. it was "retire", take SS. That was it. So him now "retired" .. MIL hung it up too, the whole grind and rat race of being in that work a day world.
I suppose the $300 or so mortgage payment, .. it was a stretch as to them affording it, and said at the time, "you guys all have houses .. you won't be looking one day for us to bequeath our house to you guys". True, by then, we all owned our own houses and still do.
Estranged brother .. married (at that time, has since divorced, long ago) to a banking atty .. they both thought that was exceedingly stupid and weighed in .. but .. RM it was to be.
Can't help but reflect on all that. That face-lift .. for what ...??.....the braces ... ??....so she could be happy looking in the mirror I suppose, .. maybe that matters .. in the end .. even if you don't have the $ to afford such luxuries. I can't, and so I don't do such stuff.
Should we now be at the juncture to dispose of the contents of her home and ready it for sale, and my presence be needed on that front. I will gladly "ASSIST" her offspring in doing so, in their presence .. but outside of that. That too, will not be dumped on me, to handle, so that .. in the end, .. that too can go the way of so many rabbit holes in this whole thing through the last several years.
Should there be any dialogue coming forth in the weeks to come, "Gee Dorker, wish you'd get on this thing as to AL here in FL .. and Medicaid and navigate some of that".
Answer will be, "Nope, I was asked to step away from all this, that I don't handle it well". No.
They're right, I don't ..I don't handle it well, when someone else and their happiness, aged or not .. hinges so greatly on what it is I will and won't do to prop it up .. and there's no dialogue to address it. No, I admit it, guilty as charged. I don't handle that well. I stepped away from it myself, really .. in the end .. coinciding with DH losing patience with me and my haranguing on it, and asking me to step back from it all.
You got it!
Not the least bit interested in taking up that torch .. and now getting on the phone to navigate path forward to Medicaid .. and .. visiting/talking with differing AL sites here in FL .. and then have it all upended by . "oh gee, we just can't do it .. it's just too sad .. too much despair .. it will cause mother too much heartache . we don't want to do that to her".
No thanks.
You guys do the work .. and yes that means DH .. he can figure out how to manage his life .. and his other responsibilities .. work .. and/or churching/hunting .. whatever .. and make the phone calls, go visit the sites .. etc.
And .. if and when it gets upended, it can be him that vested all the time and energy in doing so.
I don't see that happening. Firm sideline sitter that he is .. it will have to be SIL .. to manage .. somehow .. I guess, phone calls from her end .. down this way .. and then .. .when she gets here with MIL on the plane, having departed IL .. "before the weathers sets in there" as was said .. then she can figure out how to traverse the different sites and talk to the different folks herself . while here in FL.
If it means a long long waiting list .. and likely it does .. then she can sort through what to do next.
This is the end result of failure to listen .. and engage all parties in the propping up of an untenable situation.
I won't be helping. And I won't be writing a letter to any of them either. They all know where I am. The phone works, use it. Or don't.
I'm not mad about it, though the tone might reflect that. It just is what it is, and they can "manage" .. as I was so often told in all of this, "We'll manage". Okay .. so do that.
The part about it being old and scratched up might compromise it. Otherwise its a legal document as Dorker said it was notarized. (I think I remember that being stated earlier). The scratches might be where MIL marked off the portions of the form she didn’t elect to use.
This along with SIL name on all the accounts for financial means MIL is probably in good shape with her paperwork.
DH name could also be on everything as an alternate. There is a space for that on the form.
Of course while having the paperwork in place is important, IMHO it won’t be used anytime soon unless or until MIL has a major health crisis.
Make it clear that you love each and everyone of them and want only the best for MIL. Then detail what you are and are not prepared to do to make that happen.
MIL can go into some sort of supervised living either in Florida or Illinois. You may be prepared to help that initially happen but won't be responsible for her day to day needs. You could also help with the sale of her home and disposal of excess belongings. Thats up to you.
The other viable option which is what she wants is to return to her home. BUT you will no longer do more than visit socially and she must agree to hiring proper full time help so someone is there every day. If she does not abide by these rules Adult Protective Services will be notified. Under no circumstances will she move into your home. She must also agree to sign POA financial and health or the deal is off. You may be prepared to take care of the dog, but he will not have freedom to run over your house pooping where he chooses
DH must be prepared to step up to the plate and assist with the disposal of the house, i.e. making necessary repairs so it is salable. His interaction with his mother is entirely up to him but he or SIL should have the POA.
SIL can get off the hamster wheel once a facility is arranged for MIL. She also should be prepared to be POA. Does not matter where the facility is MIL won't need to go out in bad weather. SIL should be responsible for finding a suitable facility. Dorker is not going to do it and her DH will procrastinate.
Poor BIL has no more need to be embroiled in all this than Dorker does although he can helps able.
Mil has two adult children who are perfectly capable of making decisions for MIL and enforcing their choices.
Otherwise the ultimatum is "here's the plane ticket for X date I"ll drop you off at the airport.
It won't be that simple of course because she will become very sick the day efore she is due to leave and have diarrhea all over the place even if she has to take ten Senokot to make it happen. MIL may be trotting down the dementia road but she is far from stupid
I think that you've gotten MIL's kids to where they need to be. They seem to finally realize that you are NOT stepping back in.
In some families, this is less messy, but these folks that you're dealing with? They are hard core deny-ers.
Your neutral statements? "Gee , that's tough". "I'm so sorry to hear that". Wow, I wonder what could make that situation better? "
Wishing you well.