I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Yet I'm the one who has "chit canned his mom and his sister". I'm the one who it's thought .. "WE" thought you loved mom, but you don't.
I'm the one who is to wear that heavy burden.
You guys know it's not true .. I know it's not true. But saying any of that to him, only brings about argument and consternation. We walk around this house, tension so thick .. you can hardly see through it, like a fog from a fire.
So anyway, this morning I got up and figured I'd let DH know that I reached out to our pastor. But he's not here. I didn't hear him get up. He was already in bed last night when I got home, so I didn't wake him up.
I got my coffee, and see that he's texted me that he's gone to the woods to hunt this morning, will be back later in the morning. So I texted him, "okay well was gonna talk to you a bit, but you're not here, just letting you know I reached out to our pastor and had a long talk with him about all the problems here, not a broad overview conversation, an in depth one".
Sent that text to him. He hasn't responded. I don't care ..
He's with a good buddy of his who happens to be a pastor at another church. . Maybe if he's got any sliver of good sense in the gray matter upstairs, he will reach out to the other guy he's with, for some spiritual guidance himself, .. in that setting and decide it's not the thing to do at this point, to come home and blast me and argue with me about the choices I've made. Or not .. I don't care, either way.
Just done arguing ..
I just wish I could say what I want.
"Your mom .. do as you will ... but DO NOT .. let me repeat that .. DO NOT put your projections of your failures on that front on to me, I know what I lived, I know my heart in it all .. and DO NOT do that .. ANYMORE .. it's not fair and you don't get to bully me back up to the plate to swing for the fences in your mom's care .. me having to answer to your crazy sister and all her neurosis .. and your mom with her diminished cognitive function as you both waltz off to your own life . DO NOT .. I am done ... and no amount of bullying or attempts thereof is gonna change that .. if you feel angry at me, .. and feel like I don't love your mom . or I chit canned your sister and your mom, that's on you to process .. I won't own that, because I know it isn't true".
But I can't say any of that, not even a breath of it .. I wouldn't even get out the first word of the first sentence, before I'd be bellowed at .. and argued with.
I'm just done! I'm not gonna argue anymore, .. in fact, very little dialogue at all on the whole thing .. as far as I'm concerned.
It's so glaringly, blatantly obvious to me that even a 5th grader could see it all. This anger is coming from a place that HE is having to figure out how he navigates going forward. Period. He's always had me, the step n and fetch .. in it all .. and now that's gone. His sister .. she's always had in me, .. the step n and fetch on this end, while she resumes her life in IL. That's gone. As it should be.
I have no idea if the two of them gang up and join in unison, me as the enemy in all this. I don't even really care. I know it's unfounded. And anybody .. if either of them would reach outside the vacuum they live in, in all of this, anybody that they might talk to, to reach out on all this would inform them, both of them, pretty quickly .. ."you guys are mad at her because of what ...??.....wait .. ???... didn't you say she's an in law, she's the son's wife .. hey ya know, to have any expectation that an in law is gonna step to this beat .. you guys both have rocks for brains .. that .. it simply doesn't happen .. sounds like both of ya need to get to steppin and figure out how YOU TWO are going to manage .. she doesn't HAVE TO HELP .. she's an in law ... ".
But neither of these idiots reach outside of their vacuum they live in.
If anybody should be looking at their own front porch in all this .. it's him. Let's don't forget .. for those of you fortunate enough to not have to live all this crap. Don't forget .. when I was on the scene more and an integral part of all this. You'd hear things like this from MIL:
"I sure wish that church didn't take up so much of his time, I guess if I go put my name on some list at yall's church . maybe my name will come up and he'll have to come this way".
**Or you'd hear SIL with things like this:
"Sometimes I feel upset that the church takes up so much of his time. I wish that he would set aside a designated time that he devotes solely to mom .. I don't know .. like 1 Saturday a month or something, but I don't guess he can do that".
Folks I was such a part of the scene that these words were spoken to me .. to me, not to him, to me.
So then I'd go to him ... and for a long while ..I'd ride the whole:
Me: Ya know, your mom says that she wishes the church didn't take up so much of your time, .. she was saying she guesses that if she puts her name on some list there, then maybe her name will come up and you'll have to come to her ... your sister .. she wishes that you'd set aside a designated time to carve out solely for your mom. DH you know .. you should do that, maybe I don't know, every other Sunday after church belongs to her, solely to her, go take her lunch .. or go get her .. that's time to spend with her, .. and ya know .. grab your coffee sometimes . on a weekday and just head that way .. go sit with her and have some coffee and just visit before your work day .. and even better .. maybe if you could just throw some things together and go spend the night with her, for no other reason than to just keep her company".
You guys know the responses all the above got .. and the fights .. as I'd press that as any agenda .. and I finally quit saying it, .. and when the MIL/SIL would say anything more, I'd do the healthy thing .. and leave the ball in their court to handle it . and not take on and triangulate their issue into our lives. I quit saying anything. It was only a fight to try to do so.
There were many reasons I backed out of all this ... many. But the above was one of them. How is it that both of them continue to live their lives unabated in all this need .. but I can't expect that for my own life, and this isn't my mother.
So ... many many times he needs to look at his own front porch and I know that . you guys know that.
And .. more to the point, I'm done begging/tugging/pulling/pushing/shoving on all this, . meaning .. I'm done arguing.
Oh I could say the above to him and point out his own plank in his eye, as they say, but it would only result in argument and has in the past, "WHAT?!?!?!??! .. My mom needs me and I go, that's b'chit Dorker . .. that's b'chit .... I go over there, she needs me, I go".
Me; "Yea .. if her faucet drips, or her sprinklers go awry .. or her gutter clogs .. kinda like having a repairman on retainer .. yea you do .. but you don't spend any TIME with her".
DH: "I da&n sure do .. if I go over there, I go make us a sandwich and I sit down and visit with her, and we eat lunch .. I give her some of my time, that's just b'chit".
Used to have that fight .. quiet a bit, til I finally threw in the towel and quit saying it. Wouldn't a mature/rational/reasonable adult .. hear that and yes maybe get angry . but then go to the source, .. "Mom sounds like you've had some things to say that you aren't happy with the amount of time I give you, let's talk about that", or "Sister sounds like you're wishing that I'd carve out some designated time for mom, .. let's talk about that".
Did that happen, ... ever .....???
I bet you guys can guess the answer. No
Did any of the above demonstrative action ever take place. Again, a resounding no.
Who didn't step up? Who dumped MIL and SIL when they needed firm support? Who's busy screwing up relationships?
To me, his accusation is *dripping* with guilt.
"Don't you blame me for your shortcomings, Fat Head!" seems the appropriate response.
Dorker, hugs and good wishes for today.
It’s all about DHWorld no longer being the ideal blend of hunting/churching/working with “someone else” taking care of boring but needed things. Peter Pan?
I don't want to say anything at all to him. Nothing. I am going to tell him I've talked to the pastor . and just leave it. He can deal with his own anger .. that's on him to figure out. He's had AMPLE opportunity to "talk" to me .. and has summarily shut me down. I don't want to talk to him about any of it . there's not a thing in the world I can say at this point that doesn't bring more wrath and anger . and unfounded hurtful words hurled at me. I'm not interested in that.
So . he will be livid .. yes, he will. But that's gonna have to be on him to figure out how to navigate. I have every right to go and talk to my pastor . he isn't just DH's pastor.
I'd like to be a smart azz and say back to DH: "What kinda sanctimonious crap is that that I can't have the latitude to reach out to my pastor?". But I just don't even have the breath or energy to combat any of it .. I just don't. I'm just done .. you have this holy alliance with all things your mom and your sister .. and don't want to hear one iota of anything countering it . and so I sought spiritual guidance and comfort .. no different than any other human on the face of the planet. Get over yourself!
You have come so far. Does your therapist have an opening over the next 3 days? It might help to bounce how to say what you want off someone else in real life right now. Hugs and prayers for you!
Then had to go to church dinner, then to a meeting there (Finance Committee). I serve also there, .. in a few capacities.
Felt better after talking with him for a long while. I did anyway.
Now I just live with the dread .. of telling DH that the pastor now knows .. and intends to speak with him.
The pastor and DH meet every Monday morning . routinely .. before daylight even .. in the sanctuary. At that hour .. they generally pray for the church, various congregants and the need there, etc. That's what they do.
The pastor listened, intently . and with a caring soul. He said a lot of things, but a couple of them profound:
"He doesn't get to treat you this way .. not as a Christian .. not even as a member of the human race, .. but ... as a Christian .. and better yet .. as an Elder .... no . he doesn't get to do that, and I'll be pretty frank with him in letting him know that. He knows it .. he's a good strong Christian and a bible scholar .. he knows it . .and so he needs reminder that the bible dictates that he cannot do that".
Further words from him:
"He doesn't get to align with others and join force against you, it doesn't work that way at all .. and I'll be talking to him about that also".
His assertion .. DH knows all this, none of this would be an epiphany to him . he knows it.
The general consensus/agreement between himself and me, on that topic .. he is frustrated. Indeed. On that we agree. But as he put it, "he still doesn't get to treat his wife that way, doesn't work that way".
He offered to sit down with the two of us together if that's something I'm comfortable with .. or .. he will .. if I'd opt for that .. whatever is my preference, .. be confronting him (he wouldn't do so with any angry tone . .that's not him, but more with an approach of accountability) ... that he will if I prefer, just talk to him, just the two of them, on their Monday morning sit down together.
I opted for the latter.
He left the ball in my court, as to whether I wish to make it known that I've been in contact with him and we've talked. That he can be pretty adept at the whole thing without disclosing there has been any dialogue. Or, if I'd prefer .. I can let him know that I've talked to the pastor in which case, . he will be a little more in depth as to what he knows, of the reality of the scene here.
I opted for the latter. I will tell him .. so as to
A) not have him blindsided
B) So that he can be "accountable" as to the exact nature of it all, rather than just a broad overview the other scenario might produce.
The pastor's words: "He needs to prostrate himself before God and ask forgiveness for his sin, but he also needs to be asking for your forgiveness and he needs to come to the realization it is never gonna be okay to malign his wife, never. If he has a problem with something you're doing, he is to approach you and talk without wrath and anger . .and approach it through prayer and a kind heart . .never .. never is he allowed to malign you".
Yep .. I know all that. He does too ..
So now, I have to find the courage . not because he'll haul off and hit me, .. but because he will get angry .. and I'm just done with it. I am so done, dealing with his wrath .. over a situation that isn't mine to own .. I'm out of it .. .where I firmly stand I want to be .. and even he asked that I step out of it .. and so .. I'm just done with all the anger .. just done with it.
I don't want to argue. I sought out spiritual guidance to intervene in the whole thing and I believe in prayer .. and I believe in the Bible. That's all I did, and I have every right to do so. I don't live in a vacuum where I have to be treated that way . and so I reached out. I don't want to argue ..
So I have to find the courage to present that this is now known . .and it's on the radar for discussion, upcoming.
DH teaches Sunday School? I think he would do better for his own spiritual health to sit down with the Pastor and with you and talk about his responsibilities as a husband; you know, the part about a "man leaves his mother and cleaves to his wife."
As for SIL, she has freely chosen the path she is following - I doubt anyone can budge her off of it and you have no responsibility for her poor choice. DH and SIL are in a panic - they have probably spent their lives running frantically trying to keep mom happy at any and all costs, but the fact is mom is old, frail and no one is responsible for "doing it" to her. Just life.
We are all praying for you and encouraging you to respect yourself and the boundaries you've set. The simple truth is that far from being "unloving" you are actually loving them by encouraging them to grow up and act like the responsible adults they should be.
Of course it is your fault. MIL was fine at home until you stepped out. So the fact that she is not fine now must be your fault. And you selfish creature won’t return to your burden like a good servant. DH and SIL are the flying monkeys doing MIL bidding no matter the cost. Her marriage, your marriage, only Mommy Dearest aka MIL matters. If you don’t give them exactly what they want, you don't love them. Threats come next, by the way. Interesting DH can refuse birthday but you can’t refuse Christmas. Am I cynical in thinking you would be asked to bring her back with you two...and thus the sudden desire that you attend on the trip. Why you could help her on plane and potty and then SIL could help direct aka organize and come “later”...
I am assuming the meeting with the Pastor took place earlier today.
I hope the Pastor was of some help.
I also feel DH is being nasty and manipulative. He is in dire need of direction.
I have been following your story since the beginning, although I’ve never commented here before. I’m only commenting now because what your DH said about you not loving his mother really struck a chord.
That comment was just classic manipulation. “If you really loved me” is something that manipulators have been saying since the beginning of time. It’s just a way to guilt someone to do what they want.
If you really loved me, you would…
...buy this for me
…lose some weight
...do that thing we saw in that dirty movie
and finally,
...take care of my mother.
This is really an underhanded trick. It is, essentially, saying that you need to tow the the line in order to prove your love for his mother. To prove your worth. To prove you are a good person.
Please don’t cave into it. Honestly, it’s such a cruel card for DH to play.
That said, I do believe praying and talking to the pastor is the best thing to do, rather than cussing him out or smacking him, which I'd sure be tempted to do.
If he comes at you with, "Dorker, what for? Why do we need a meeting with the pastor?" Be honest. It doesn't have to be an argument, just tell him, "I need to pray about our marriage. I'm feeling pretty upset and disrespected, and I feel like I'm being blamed unfairly. I need to pray about some things going forward, and I need some scriptural guidance from the pastor. I'd love it if you would sit down with me and both of us talk with him together and pray about things, especially about us."
If he gets defensive, you can tell him you don't want to argue, but that you are just being honest about how you feel, and that you need this prayer meeting, whether he decides to join or not.
I'm glad you are talking to the Pastor - this is what they are for. Clearly DH is NOT WILLING to even listen to YOUR PERSPECTIVE. You do love his mother and have for 15 years. The problem is - WHAT THE F IS THEIR PLAN WITH MOM? They have not laid out any plan. Are they still planning on dropping her off to live on her own? In home with aides? In AL? FL or IL? Their lack of a plan left the default chit falling off the table to land on you to deal with and you are absolutely within your right to say "folks, I can't do all of this".
DH absolutely burns me - he can prioritize hunting, churching, orphan boys over his own mother all day any day as he wants. Yet, he will not even HEAR your side of things - how it falls in your lap - SIL burning up the phone, MIL calling, DH saying "For Chrissakes, can't you just..." He doesn't seem to give you the same respect he gives himself "This impacts me and my life - so i'll decide what I want to do for Mom" He's luck that he is not close enough for me to smack him.
Absolutely talk to the Pastor - if DH is angry about it - then deep down he knows that he is not practicing what @#$# he is preaching and about time he has to face it. Perhaps DH respects the pastor enough that the pastor can help open communication so DH HEARS how it exhausted you without the manipulative crap-tactic of "you don't love my mom" to which you are supposed to respond "oh, yes I do and to show you - make me her slave again for the next 15 years". That man needs a "come to Jesus" meeting
I so agree with BarbBrooklyn that DH is a real aZZ hat - caregiving is too much for his sister, but it shouldn't be for you????
Your mother needs more care than can be given in a home. She needs 3 shifts of trained workers. You and your sister need to make a plan for your mom and tell that this is how it needs to be. Not a plan that includes unicorns and fairy dust (okay, thats mean) but a real plan."
I understand that you're mourning the fact that your mom has gotten old and frail. But that's not my fault. That's just what happens."
Yes I do think some of this is precisely the fact they need an evil doer in it all to prompt any movement.
They'll have to move in some demonstrative direction now for sure. Because the pillars are all but a pile of busted rubble at this point.
I like Barb's approach. I had been struggling with how to bring about any awareness in DH's corner as to my talking to the pastor. I am to meet with the pastor this afternoon on my own. DH has no idea. Maybe I'll suggest that to the pastor .. that I mention it to DH "hey I've got an appt on x date and time ... going in to talk to the pastor... welcome to join"
Oh that will cause him to sit at full attention What for Dorker?!?!?! Leave it alone ... don't bother him ... leave him outta this" and anger.
I don't know ... anyone wanna throw out there what a response should be from me to the above ....me, who says zero about all this ...all in firm stance to avoid argument.
I'm not looking to argue in announcing I have an appt with our pastor.
You are forcing all of them to take action, otherwise they'd wear you out and then move on to one of your daughters to step and fetch. You KNOW that is how it would go, all in the name of keeping MIL happy.
Fact is, NOTHING will make her happy at this point.
She is a frail old woman.
Stick to your guns.
We are with you (in spirit).
I understand that you don't want his hand slapped. But that is how he's going to interpret it.
Might it be better to tell home that you've made an appointment with the pastor and ask him to go? Or just ask him to meet you at church at the time of the appointment?
(not, "do you want to see the pastor?"
Just make the appointment and invite him to show up)
Otherwise, you'll have tainted the pastor's ability to intervene with him, because DH will see you as having turned the pastor against him.
Is this anger coming from SIL as well?
The two of them having a common enemy (you) may be the only way that they can get to " we need to make a plan for mom". They can blame you when they confront MIL about her need to move.
In some families, there must always be a bad guy.
Dorker, I understand that this is sad and uncomfortable. But it may be the only way this sad sack family can move forward
Imagine, studying the Bible for tonight's lesson yet stumbling over the plank in one's own eye. I am proud of you for holding strong. God does not want you abused in any way. Boundaries, boundaries.
And no .. it wasn't from any "chit canned" perspective .. it was from a perspective that I was asked to step out of it, that's what I'm doing .. I volunteered to do so .. and it was concurred w/by him .. and I have zero voice in it all ... never have. And that's okay ..I don't need a voice in it all. As I've said .. they can park her under a bridge with a grocery cart as her only belonging .. and it doesn't impact me, it's their mom .. they get to choose.
What they don't get to choose is something called Boundaries ... that I will not continue to step to the beat of the drum. And I guess that now gets defined as .. "you don't love my mom" .. and "you've chit canned my sister and my mom".
But to bring any of the above words, one iota of it .. to the forefront is to incite argument and harsh words that are unfounded. So, I don't.
What I have done is reach out to talk with our church pastor, .. who was only vaguely aware of the issue of an aging mother in law, and that there'd been some rumblings from my corner previously that the son and daughter don't step up to address it.
I have made our pastor more aware of what the reality looks like on the ground .. in the setting that is . my refusal to continue propping it up ..
Did I do that because I wanted to tattle tale and have his hand smacked. No .. I did that because I know that he knows .. he is more of a bible scholar than I am, and I know .. I know, .. I know.. I know . that is not biblical. This man that works in the church as an elder, . . is there everytime the doors are open to serve .. and he is acting this way in his home ....
Do I want the pastor to smack his hand? No
But if the pastor would counsel with him .. and I don't know what the pastor's intentions are .. I am to meet with him, solely by myself this afternoon . . and no DH does not know any of this is going on and he will be furious with me, . livid .. that I have "tarnished" his image there at the church. An image of the servant of Christ our Lord and so very giving .. and he is .. to all but his wife apparently.
I need prayer .. Intercessory Prayer, to break this stranglehold of anger and hurt .. it sure isn't able to be broken by just the two of us talking. And yes, I have asked him to go to counseling (not recently .. read above, it gets zero airplay anymore). I've asked him that the two of us go sit down and talk to the pastor (not recently) and it gets refused .. both counseling and the pastor.
What I do know is this .. you don't get to run rough shod over someone for their having simply set boundaries .. and that's just what this is a boundary .. you don't get to do that.
It's to be expected .. the propping up of all this ... is crumbling right before his eyes in my refusal to step to it .. but that doesn't change what my approach will be.
But that still doesn't give him the right to mistreat me and I know that.
What he SHOULD BE ............ it should have never gotten to this point .. not even close. HE SHOULD HAVE long since been in my corner, .. on my behalf with his mom and with his sister both .. and defending the fact that her needs are far too great for me to continue to step to .. and forcing the issue. That's what SHOULD HAVE taken place long long ago even.
But instead .. it's been push/shove/tug pull and so forth to get Dorker to keep steppin . in the event it conflicts with his ability to step to need (which as we all know, as a pervasive issue in it all) .. and so .. when I refuse .. then I'm argued with .. and so it's become something of an issue that I want out entirely .. I won't even put myself in any slippery slope of .. "yea well it's just gatorade she needs, no problem .. I'll go get it .. take it out there, no biggie". And then next thing ya know, it's every day .. and the CHRISSAKES thing ongoing.
And so .. my stepping away entirely .. has caused this.
It's just broken .. it's all broken.
It doesn't get any mention at all, the whole thing. It's very much the elephant in the room lumbering around and no mention at all of it.
And I would put a smile on and go on about my day and act as if nothing is wrong, but it doesn't work that way when you purposely .. on purpose .. don't even bring it up and yet still find yourself accused and treated harshly by your husband for the choices you've made .. and have unkind things said to you.
That's what it comes to.
It's cast a pall of sadness/tension so thick you can cut it .. in our world here.
When I say I don't bring it up at all, so as to not incite argument .. that is absolutely 100% the fact.
So the other night DH and I on the way out to dinner, and here's about how it goes:
I'm driving us to a little dive to get some quick dinner. And DH remarked that the skies look cold .. (but it's not cold here, it's in the 80's). I concurred .. the skies look as if it's cold outside.
Me: "It does, it's weird, .. looks like cold weather but it's not
DH: "Ya know, makes me think of winter .. I might like to go and see mom in IL at xmas if she's still there".
Me: "you should do that .. '.
DH: "You wouldn't go? You always liked a white xmas".
Me: "Nah .. I wanna stay and enjoy the g'kids at xmas
Silence for a moment or two
DH; "I sure hate it that you've chit-canned my mom and my sister".
That hurt. It was uncalled for and unfounded. I didn't deserve that. But I try so so so hard to not be any part of anything that will incite argument.
I only responded: "I haven't chit-canned anybody"
And then promptly changed the subject on purpose. There's a lot I'd of liked to have said, but to do so only brings about argument .. so I didn't. I changed the subject.
So .. then the whole next day it ate at me. You can't just throw unsubstantiated accusations at me, and me not answer to it .. it's unfair, particularly when I am purposely avoiding this topic like it's the plague.
So I did approach him that night .. at least on that piece:
Me: "DH I'd like your ear for a moment".
He was looking in his bible and making notes for his Sunday School class he teaches .. and I asked him to put that down just for a moment, so I could have his ear. To that I got a response of: "I can hear ya, go ahead".
So I did.
Me: "Listen last night when we were headed out and you said that about me having chit-canned your mom and sister . I don't want you to say things like that, it's unfair and it's unfounded".
DH: "Okay .. I won't say that anymore, but that's what you've done .. you've destroyed any relationship there .. and I hate it .. you chit-canned them, that's what you'e done"
Me: "No DH .. you don't want to hear anything I have to say, routinely shutting me down . but I have some markers along in all this that have caused this to get to where it has gotten .. and no .. I haven't chit-canned anyone .... anybody that wants to talk to me, they know how to reach me"
DH: "Whatever, I don't wanna talk about it, just stop .. just . it's good you're out of this .. I want you out of it, .. you don't love my mom .... *we* all thought you did .. you were in this for a long time and *we* thought it was because you loved mom, but you don't".
(operative word there, "We", so now it's me against all of them .... not me and my husband .. fighting this together, looking for solution . nope .. it's "WE" against you).
Me: "DH I do love your mom, why do you think I was in this for 15 damn years".
DH: "Just stop ... I'm not talking about this anymore, you don't love my mom .. not and take the approach you're taking .. just stop".
I walked away .. and it hasn't been mentioned since.
I am unable to just put a smile on my face, and go through my day with any semblance of anything resembling normalcy. But yet I am powerless to be heard ..
No, I don't want back into this whole thing, not even one iota
I never had to take any until I started dealing with old folks and a situation very similar to yours. But the situation sucked the life and joy right out of me!
Extremely frustrating when others are making decisions that will ultimately steal YOUR life from YOU.
Stay calm and stand firm.
"YES DH AND SIL .. she's 'doing better! Why do you think that is ...?... maybe because SIL has been with her 24/7, med management, meal planning, socialization, .. etc etc etc.".
This .. has been said countless times over the last couple of years that I've been the loud kid in the back row .. raising my agenda over the din of popular thought. To no avail.
I know you all, having lived it, you guys "get it". The two folks that need to "get it" .. choose to wear blinders .. at least thus far.
I have no idea what plan gets implemented, if any, going forward. Maybe it's thought once again, "oh she's doing so well now .. let's deposit her, per her heart's desire, back into her home and let her live alone, I mean afterall it's precisely what she wants, and that's paramount in all this".
Or is the "plan", if any, that SIL bring her back here .. and stay with her .. until placement somewhere? Has that been agreed to? I have no idea.
I won't be persuading either way. It's been apparent to me, .. that's precisely the case. Yes, indeed, MIL does do better .. with 24/7 supervision. Have said it and said it. Can't make the blind see.
Oh well, ... whatever.
Talking it all over yesterday with my own PCP .. and so forth .. he concurs .. that I need to back out of it, .. yes at the risk of wrath coming at me. He says, and I agree, .. ."somebody has to be the bad guy in all this .. and I guess .. that gets to be you, unfortunately .. until they *get it*". Bingo.
An rx for Xanex in hand .. that I will use absolutely sparingly .. at times when my world implodes behind that which I have no control over, and an increase in my daily anti anxiety med .. per PCP, we shall see how it goes ...
Shame life has to get this taxing, over a situation that was never mine to own to begin with.
Yes, it does sound as though MIL is doing "better". And that's not a surprise to me. Until the next time she falls off the rails .. and it will happen .. under SIL's tutelage or not ..it's inevitable.
Whether they choose that she live with supervised care and how that occurs, up to them.
It's going to be a rough ride for SIL, as those end years usually are, but this is how she apparently is choosing to handle it. So be it. You sure as heck put in your time... SIL's turn! Fair is fair, and she more or less asked for this by default. Hopefully she will stay strong enough to handle it.
Hey - be careful with ANY ideas of bringing MIL back to Florida if possible, even if it's to a facility in FL. Even when people are placed in one, there are still a slew of demands that come up. Maybe plant that bug in DH's ear, as those would fall on him!
Just not gunna argue.
Gunna get real good at rote statements "gee that sounds tough", "hate that for ya", "wow that'll be a tough one to work out"....
We all get to choose how much and in what form, we engage. Even me.
Oh and btw ... I did go ahead and ask DH "your mom's bday today, you called her?"
Look of stunned surprise (I'm not shocked). Phone comes off the hip and immediately a call to MIL.
I did take the phone once she was on the line and very short and to the point "happy birthday, hope you've had a nice birthday today".
Handed the phone back to DH ... her then explaining it's been a good day. That SIL and her husband and M .. all drove out to the casino ... had lunch there, bday cake, played the quarter slots ... her and what sounds like every other person on a walker within a 100 mile radius.
SIL throwing in there, what good exercise it had been ... MIL ambling about to find just the right slot machines.
DH chiming back "there ya go, who needs PT, just haul her to the casino every day".
I had walked away and so wasn't much a part of any further conversation.
She went on to tell DH they were on their way home at this point ..and it's freezing cold there. To which SIL interjected ... maybe an attempt on her part to not buy into and coddle this whole "I hate the weather here.. that MIL plays like a broken record"...you heard SIL chime in, "it's 50 degrees here, we're in the car with the heat on!".
Sounds like MIL had an enjoyable bday and she even came out ahead in her playing the quarter slots, which pleased her.
Sounds to me, I didn't ask, things must have found some better footing on their end.
Forever, there was sickness, mania, too weak... no going anywhere at all. That obviously has improved. Maybe some of the above settled for the moment ... and who knows, maybe there's been a meeting of the minds on the whole "we know you hate it here, we heard you the first 500 x's you said it, we know ... now let's do what we can to forge ahead and make the best of it"
I didn't ask so maybe just an assumption on my part. And I didn't stick around to hear whether the same complaints are being brought up non stop.