I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Men hunt and they fulfill communal obligations through their church.
Woman stay at home and caregive.
According to DH, this is the "natural" order of things, according to your "nature"?
I call BS on this.
awakened at God awful hours with just worry/strife .. and angst over a situation that was never mine to own .. and I'm fighting like h377 to get free of .. and I am counseled by my .. I guess he pictures himself an MD .. "that's because you are turning away from who you are, .. you are a nurturer by nature .. you care .. and you are countering that in the actions you're taking .. and maybe you just need to give in and realize .. she's an old lady that yes, doesn't take her meds, or eat right or whatever .. but she needs help .. and you .. taking the course you're taking, is stressing you out .. it goes against your nature".
NO you idiot .. what goes against my nature is the fact that you and your sister both walk around with blindfolds on and then bump into walls and fall off cliffs and then stand there .. with a dumbfounded look of *how did that happen* .. you two don't talk to each other .. neither one of you .. and nobody has asked of me, what I'm willing to do .. not a single person . never have .. and more importantly at this 9th hour .. and it's just ASSUMED ... I guess .. that she will be brought here, and at some point the magic gates of an AL will open for her .. and how all her needs get met in that setting .. I guess it's just assumed that Dorker steps up to the plate. And I'm here to tell ya that aint' happening ..
I did offer that I will be what I envision a true daughter in law to be .. I'll go get her to take her to lunch of she's able or join her there for lunch, bring her flowers .. visit .. that I will do, but I am not on the list as someone who will continue carting her to docs .. and at your sister's whims .. of all her magical fairy dust and whirly gigs .. not doing it.
That then prompted him to get agitated that his sister STILL has not reached out to talk to me, even tho prompted by him to do so. Said he was going to tell her, that if she can't talk to me, and make a damn plan that works, then she can keep mother in IL .. and find AL there.
I don't expect one breath more has been spoken to his sister .. that would be about status quo for this group.
Until the next time that something brings all this up again .. maybe another fitful night on my part .. and him asking why I'm up at some God awful hour of the night .. and my responding .. honestly .. "stress/anxiety" .. and then I will be counseled that I am going against my nature .. and I just need to give in and realize that it's my nature to care and to nurture.
Round and round and round it goes .. and the two damn people that need to talk to one another both walk around with huge ear muffs on .. to muffle any sound and blinders on their eyes, bumping into walls and falling off of cliffs .. but their mom can think by golly .. and she just gets too sad to have to even think of an AL site.
Yes, a brain that at least one doc wanted looked into further, as to cognitive deficits. But no, musn't do that .. no. It was a UTI .. that's why she was confused.
Meanwhile, .. last time I heard, she can't tell you what year it is .. left alone . to manage on her own, she fails at med compliance, nutrition/hydration routinely and falls frequently ..
As recent as Tgiving day, a fine example of her and her mental capabilities. DH phoned her to extend Happy Tgiving in IL. It was known by all, that he would be joining me, at my mom's out of state, for Tgiving itself .. and then would travel to where he has a relative .. same state .. but about 2 hours or so distance, and spend the remainder of the weekend, hunting.
So .. Tgiving day he calls his mom in IL. Happy Thanksgiving mom, .. how's your day going .. blah blah .. talks to her, .. tells her that he's at ___________(dorker's mom's) .. and no . he isn't hunting yet . he's having tgiving with Dorker and her mom .. and family and then will leave to go hunting.
They talk a few more mins, .. I jump in, "Hey MIL .. just wanted to wish ya a happy Thanksgiving . hope you guys are having a great time time today and enjoy some good food, gotta run . back to the kitchen I go", and I hopped off the phone, put DH back on the phone.
I heard him several times, his mom asking, "so you aren't together there with Dorker?".
(((SHE JUST TALKED TO ME, and I HANDED THE PHONE BACK TO HIM)))
Him: "Mom, I'm here at dorker's mom's .. we're having tgiving here, . and I'll head out from here and go hunting over at (his cousin's)".
MIL: "So you aren't with Dorker, . you guys aren't together?".
(AHEM .......................... I JUST TALKED TO HER ONLY A MOMENT BEFORE ALL THIS!!!!)
Him now getting a bit agitated: "No mom .. no .. I'm here, I'm at dorker's mom's .. we're having tgiving here at dorker's mom's .. then I'm gonna head out ....
MIL: "So you guys aren't together .. you guys aren't spending tgiving together?".
Him: "Mom I'm at Dorker's mom's with Dorker .. yes we're together".
When he got off the phone, "GAWD .. She couldn't grasp that .. that I'm here .. that I'm here at your mom's .. she just couldn't get that right in her mind".
Yea she's "all there". That just one of so many examples where I cite, .. she has some deficiencies in her thinking.
But no .. no of course not, SIL who captains this ship .. no no .. we don't need to bother looking into that.
IT MIGHT MEAN SHE'D FIND OUT THERE IS AN URGENT NEED FOR MORE DAMN CARE! And God forbid she actually pick up the phone to talk to me, and me hit her with reality 101, on so so so many points.
It is said that AL is .. I don't know, somewhere in the pipeline .. I'm out of the loop .. for all I know, they know what the word AL means .. and nothing more has been delved into .. I really don't know. But in any event, it is said that is on the radar .. for some given point in time .. next week, 10 years from now . who the h377 knows .. and whenever that day comes . it will be in FL.
Thus my trying to get DH to understand .. (and his sister won't even talk to me) .. "Okay .. well you guys do whatcha wanna do .. your mom .. but .. just so ya know DH .. nobody talks to anybody as to how this all pans out . ... but just because your mom is in an AL somewhere, .. she will still have doc appts to be hauled to, and I am not in that camp, .. so .. who is gonna see to that .. won't be me".
Thus I am counseled, as he watches my sleep so fitful these days and awake at all hours .. with stress
But. I think leading the dysfunctional change in this clusterF, is dh’s and SILs refusal to see and/or accept that Mil is indeed - mentally compromised.
Dh seems to accept the physical decline aspects of the situation. Sil seems to still think that with enough TLC and “whirley gigs” that MIL can be restored to an independence- of sorts. And - that any evidence of mental compromise merely stems from a temporary culprit- UTI, not taking a specific med as prescribed, etc.
This way of looking down the rabbit hole fosters their “she is still human, she still has a brain, she still has her own wants which MUST be respected...”. Which in turn provides them with the excuse they need to continue to do nothing towards making MILs care more realistic and more appropriate.
When I think of the hundreds of people here on AC - the hundreds of thousands world wide - myself included - who pulled the trigger and made the decision to moved our elderly loved one into AL’s and NH’s, against their wishes - their delusional wants - it just makes me shake my head.
Just what did this woman do to make her children so timid? I mean, as they circled the campground looking for her perfect site - her golden stamp of approve site to pitch the tent - was she playing some sort of music tape that contained a subliminal message? “Never defy mother, never defy
mother...”
So glad you could spend time with your family and get a little relief from this.
She who captains this ship. Meanwhile I am counseled by DH briefly ... MD that is I guess envisions himself, that the reason this all causes me so much angst and anxiety is that my actions, to have turned away from this scene and turn my back to it all... is contrary to the nurturer I truly am. That if I will just cave in and realize she's an old lady that yes doesn't take her meds ...doesn't follow through with prescribed med advice .. doesn't eat right...doesn't hydrate ...falls at times ...just realize that's how it is with her and step back in to be of help. Afterall Dorker you too will get old one day ... and what you're doing in turning away and turning your back on it all .. it's contrary to who you are ... and you're gunna have regrets over this ... she'll be gone one day and you'll regret taking this approach.
Y'all round and round it always goes.
To my response of .. no .. I helped for a long long time in all this ...15 years. It's my firm belief she shouldn't be given the latitude any longer to direct .. for instance AL ... which is apparently up for discussion but in FL ultimately ....DH who is gunna be carting her to docs and follow thru .. who is gunna do that. It's not gunna be me ... she and her insistence FL is where she wants to be ... and so by GOD that's where we go . .. does anybody talk to anyone else about the particulars of how that's gunna work. Nope.
Your sister . Who captains this whole thing has a deeply ingrained pattern of not making herself available for dialogue... for her it's all about what works for mother ...be damned anyone else's priorities. That worked for a long time . .
.not anymore ...not with your mom as frail and compromised as she's been for a few years now that I've been shouting it.
You guys don't have to listen to me ..but I also don't have to help either.
So you guys figure it out ..outside any input from my peanut gallery ...but doesn't appear that's happening ... just trusty ole assumption Dorker will step far and wide as to propping it up. Not anymore.
THERE is where my angst and anxiety that wakes me from restful sleep routinely lies .. not in changing from someone who nurtures to someone who doesn't.
At this DH ... angry his sister doesn't reach out. How's to prompt again ... in stringer language ...to which he is prompted by me ...leave it alone .. she doesn't care to get any input from me .. that's apparent. Just know .. you two need to figure the logistics of it all absent my help.
To which he says sister is gunna be told AL needs to be IL not here.
Will he DO any of this?
Nah.
Intransigence... inertia
Always ..
Til it comes back up to counsel me and my ways
Round and round and round
We are not perfect people and there were minor explosions. I so strongly want to prevent anything happening in this family that looks remotely like Dorker's situation with a narc queen running the show and her children only believing her version of world events. Not going to allow gas lighting in my family.
Hang in there Dorker, we're all rooting for you!
I'm presently at my mom's. Been here since Tuesday for Thanksgiving with she and her new husband and his brood six strong (adult offspring, spouses and grown or almost grown grands).
One brother and his wife drove up to join also. DH came night before Tgiving and stayed Tgiving day and then he departed for hunting for the weekend.
Been kinda quiet in spite of the above.
No Black Friday shopping for me. No thanks to all that craziness.
Same ole on my end.
and quite. Pretty much a non-event although I did cook a 7lb. turkey breast and mashed potatoes & gravy, etc. Hubby had to work, which he has done for all but one of our 21 TGings together. So - just me and Rainman since hubby doesn’t get home from work until 7:30 and I don’t like Rainman eating a big meal that late - it tends to mess with his stomach. Probably something to do with him insisting on going to bed around 8:30. It’s weird but he really wants to go to bed that early!
Anyhoo - just enough leftover turkey to make a casserole thingy I do and maybe a couple of sandwiches. Perfect.
Honestly- I don’t mind being alone on the holidays. Before my parents passed I usually went there or they came here - and my brothers did their own thing with their adult kids and grandkids or with the wives families. Of couse there were those last few TGings with my folks in the dining room of their posh IL - over cooked and under seasoned. You know what I mean if you’ve ever been to one.
I have to admit I’m kinda anti-holiday. Between my chosen career in retail and my mothers insistence that every moment of every holiday be exactly as she wanted it to be... I’m pretty much over all of it. Even birthdays.
If it weren’t for my husband I’d skip it all. But he had a rough childhood with an alcoholic, illiterate father and a bona fide grifter for a mother. In 20+ years together he has never mentioned one word about a Christmas with his family, a TG meal, a special gift - nothing. It makes me so sad. After we first met I couldn’t help but noticed how enchanted- not a guy word, but - he was with my mothers big to-dos over the holidays, so I make an effort for him.
As for Black Friday? Wild horses couldn’t drag me out of my house to shop. Or go anywhere near a mall or store. Not even the grocery store. 25 years in retail cured that for good. Good thing my last ten years was as a district manager so I could limit my customer contact - other wise I would have likely assaulted a customer some Christmas. But I still had to deal with the malls and the traffic and the parking. Six day work weeks, 12 hour days from TG through Christmas. Ugggg! I don’t miss it one bit.
But it I do admire you, Midkid - for having your shopping almost done. I usually wait until the last minute - (see retail career, the last thing I wanted to do was shop). Last year I did try buying a few things early - hid them around the house and promptly forgot about them. Discovered hubbys sports log’d hoodie in August. “Oh yeahhhh...”. Then got paranoid that my mind was going.
Wonder whats up in Dorkerland...
Thanksgiving was great. Cooked huge prime rib. Didn't allow anyone to use their phones (DH did anyway) and the kids tore around the house---I was VERY grateful to not have to contend with an aftermath of turkey and all the accompanying side dishes.
The adults DID bring a newspaper and were pouring over Black Friday deals I sat there content, knowing my Christmas shopping is (90% DONE).
No Black Friday for me but I am putting up a few Christmas things today around the house. I bought a beautiful evergreen wreath at a friendly local nursery Thanksgiving Eve and now the house is perfumed. . .
As we wait for the time bomb to explode - I’m wondering how everyone’s Thanksgiving was? Anyone a “Black Friday” shopper?
Benevolence, to those who actually need and appreciate kindness extended their way. That's what it's all about.
Highly recommended as to a way to spend one's time.
Not about being directed by the neurosis of one who is selfish and uncaring as to the impact of their indecision and actions.
You did good. I do think it's a touch of PTSD.
Stay nourished, rested, and remember to keep enjoying those uplifting activities. Basically, care for yourself now while you heal.
And enjoy your upcoming holidays!
It's the dread of the other shoe that could drop and then the animosity that creates and so forth . the very reason I have to get out of all this. It's not good to live with this kind of anxiety daily and it is a reminder of just that.
And then it occurred to me, .. as I sat here, ordering online, some matching Xmas PJ sets for the g'kids and a cute reindeer antler headband for the oldest and a pretty little red bow headband for the baby girl of the twins .. it occurred to me, this is why I get so anxiety riddled over it.
For so long, my world, my zen .. whatever you wanna call it, .. could be upended so routinely .. with need, ever present/incessant need. It's not how I want to spend my existence.
Just interesting, to have woken up feeling absolutely at almost a panic ..
And then just something so simple as ordering some cute stuff for the g'kids .. something I enjoy doing, and coordinating with DD .. as we are presently working .. to find a slot of time, to take them for Santa pics and in their cute PJ's .. and the joys of getting this accomplished. This is what I "want" to do .. with my time, not chase after more rabbit holes and more incessant, never-ending need from a frail old lady that I keep saying, needs more help .. and until now, .. has been ignored or treated with wrath for my assertions.
Just unreal, .. to still be feeling that angst .. even though It's clear to everyone involved, I am out!
You're right, I'm sure DH would lead the charge if if it was poor ole frail Mrs. Magilliccuty, long time church member.
Maybe it takes time, but I do live with a sense the other shoe will drop ..
I know, it can't drop on me, I've been clear where I stand .. but that doesn't mean there won't be attempt.
And no, for anyone who is keeping count, . that all-important prompted phone call from SIL, hasn't come in yet .. and no I don't care. Don't call, do call whatever.
Maybe the pastor could direct him to do that for "Mrs. Magillicutty", an unseen suffering former church member, and then make a tricky switch? ;-) hahaha (just a little levity here)
But really... if MIL is to be in FL, DH must be the official and sole point person, period.
SIL is not some evil version of the Sorcerer's Apprentice, she is a caregiver doing her imperfect best, and aren't we all. And even if she were an evil etc. for Dorker "no" remains a complete sentence and always will - MIL's, SIL's and DH's poor decisions are never again going to affect Dorker's workload. She's already done that part.
Dorker if you want to spend the holidays with your young growing family, you should. If, *as well not instead*, you want to travel to IL with DH or independently of him to see his family, you should.
I doubt it this will be MIL's last Christmas. Could be. But then so could the last ten have been, and so far so good.
Do what feels comfortable. You're the only judge of that.
Basically, it would become a delaying tactic, no facility would be found that they would agree to, so why play at being their ineffective middleman? And be their target for blame? They are just looking to "solve" their problem of keeping MIL happy at your expense. Impossible actually. Finding an acceptable placement really MUST be done by SIL and DH. They certainly would insist on any decision making power and so should be doing the research. Much more efficient and effective. You are wise not to be pulled in. Leave them to it. I suspect that all of them, MIL, SIL and DH have some very serious mental/emotional entanglements, which only professional help might be able to help.
You really have better things to do. Grandkids grow up so fast - now is the time to enjoy them and build memories that will last them a lifetime. I know mine have. Priceless.. your grandkids need and deserve you.
I understand the need to stand firm in not doing any care. But it may be that a gracious gesture allows a bit of movement in this deadlock.
Hold firm to your boundaries. It is not your responsibility to find assisted living for your mother-in-law. It is your husband's and sister-in-law's responsibility. You could run yourself ragged trying to find an appropriate place for her to live and it wouldn't be good enough, or nice enough... The list goes on. husband and sister-in-law have to be on the same page working together to facilitate any forward motion. You should not be involved at all.your husband is finally Awakening to what you have been saying for 15 years. His mother needs more help than you can give her. It's not that you don't love her is that you do love her, and want the best for her. But all the leg work is up to them. And then when it falls apart if it does, it's on their heads not yours. You can be supportive you can be a listening ear, but you cannot make mother-in-law happy.
All of us want things we cannot have. I know I do, and I have to adapt to that. Mother-in-law is no different and not that special. I'm hoping to hear that you spoken to your sister-in-law and begun to mend the fences. I also hope that your issues with your husband can be mended. Let the anger go... It's pointless now, and is only hurting you. Sounds like you are making some progress however slow.
If your SIL calls, I'd just be honest in telling her that while your participation in MIL's care for 15 years was out of love and by the same token, your not participating now doesn't mean lack of love for MIL or the family, your life has changed in that you now have the grandkids to think about and are busy with things you need to attend to, and are not able to provide one on one care for MIL anymore. Further, that MIL's care needs are far greater now than any one or two lay people can manage (which I know you've said repeatedly to her, but I'd reiterate it if she asks). No other explanation or justification necessary. If she says, "Can you just _____? Just this once?" Tell her no, I'm sorry, I won't be able to do that but if you talk to DH maybe he could.
Not said in anger, believe me, said in the spot of .. "I have done all that I am willing to do as to placement and what's best for you mom, it's on you now". That's it, just that simple.
I will .. when the day/hour comes .. and need for emptying the contents of the home, her placed .. I will be more than happy to help if requested .. outside of that .. if you guys want me as a friend .. then things will look like just that, I will bring her a vase of flowers and a sweet card and visit with her in an AL setting .. I will come get her if she's able, and we'll go to lunch .. a "Friend" .. nothing more.
Seeing to her needs, yes even . sorting thru path forward to AL . is off my radar. Not interested.
So it is unusual that I wouldn't have responded with "Oh man . yea lets do that!".
Highly unusual.
But a trip to IL has not been on any radar here since we even had a g'child and that's been since 2013 .. there's been no discussion of going there, ever. And in my station of life at present, and at xmas time, my priority presently is to be with my g'kids and enjoy them and xmas.
Nothing really controversial in that approach.
To be quite honest about it and extrapolate it out even further, MIL has been in such poor health that she herself has not been to IL since well before 2013 and g'kids arrived here as part of our world . she's been unable to recreationally visit her daughter in IL. And more to the point, at one time, I had mentioned to SIL that we should (meaning we as in DH and her and her husband) get that trip we've always talked about onto the radar, to go to D.C and do the Washington DC thing .. and I began to talk of that at least in a breath of it, to her having responded, "oh we probably shouldn't do that, we really cannot be all out of pocket in case mom's needs crop up . we need to .. at least some of us be available" (meaning SIL had reached some unwritten rule somewhere in all of this that we aren't to depart here and the scene here absent her ability to be here should that be necessary). And remember I played along like the good marionette for a while . a long while and so while the above might've gotten, from some others, a resounding, "What?!?!? Since when do you write the rules as to how your mother's life dictates ours .. if I want to go out of town and enjoy a vacation with my husband, I'll do just that .. if you're so worried about your mom's health and well being then get your azz down here and live with her, or get her placed" . and maybe that should've been my response. It did kinda strike me broadside even when she said it. But I was the good little stepper n fetcher, all things MIL in those days.
So I didn't.
And so now .. we're at a juncture in it all, that DH .. threw that out as a suggestion, going to IL for xmas .. and yes in years past, I'd of been all over that.
Stations change, seasons change . my station .. I'm on the page of wanting to enjoy my g'kids at xmas . no biggie .. you wanna go, do that .. I think that'd be just great .. who knows when is the last xmas your mom is around (I didn't say all that .. but I did encourage him to go if that's what he wants to do). But I do think by that juncture, I could've offered to "yes by all means, let's get you on a Leer Jet and get you there this afternoon and stay as long as you'd like .. that's just wonderful" .. I think he needed a point to throw out anger and hurt .. and that one was a perfect opportunity . for me to refuse to go .. he could jump all over it.
Normally he doesn't care .. if I want to go somewhere . . and it doesn't include him he doesn't have a problem with it, at all. Nor I with him going anywhere either.
Just my opinion, but I would run from any involvement at all, including helping with AL, like it is hot fire. The risk is too great.
The question should always be "What are you going to do??" "I love you all but I can't be involved any more, for my own sake."
"I feel for you, but I've done enough. I can't do any more." Period.
You have really suffered in this and I don't see where anyone else has. They want what they want and God knows, they can't be uncomfortable. It's been at your expense and truly, they haven't cared. They are all fine while you are in anguish. The lack of respect, the work itself, the refusal to take you seriously... All so painful.
You don't need any more pain and it's going to be hard to avoid it. If you help in any way, you will get drawn in and it will hurt your health and sanity. If you don't help, you will be hurt by blame. But for your own survival, in spite of blame, I hope you can stay out of it. How difficult.
I am so glad you have the support of that good Pastor. You certainly deserve it.
It's an old cliche, but Just Say NO!! Again and again and again...