I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Seriously, you are a sincerely kind person - if I had that backlog of stories, I'd be sorely tempted to turn it into a sit-com, which it is not.
"I hope that it is clear to you now that your mother cannot survive without 24/7 care, and that there is no "getting her stronger to live alone".
(If she denies this) "Then I guess she'll just have to put up with living with you in IL, because if she comes back here, there will be no one at her beck and call to provide to kind of care you are giving her; your brother and I both work."
"If she comes back to FL and falls or if there is another sort of emergency, we will call 911 and have her transported to the nearest hospital. We will let the hospitalist tell us what she needs. She will have to go to where there is an available Medicaid bed".
"Your brother and I are no longer interested in propping up your mother; she needs more care than can be given at home; we are not interested in keeping her "pleased". We will help in keeping her safe. That means that she is taken care of around the clock. Given her fiances, that means a Medicaid facility. Have you looked into that?"
"No, I have no interest in doing that research; I'm quite busy enough with my own elderly mother and my grandchildren. This is YOUR mom".
So, in a way, we gotta cut SIL some slack, She's been trained so well to put MIL's needs ahead of anything else....and MIL isn't even appreciative.
I still think that a NH for MIL with PAID PROFESSIONAL cg's a few hours a week should be the takeaway from all this. And she isn't HAPPY with professional cg's? Too bad. Seriously, just too bad.
Good luck with chat Dorker, you stay IN CHARGE and not too wordy. Make sure that you are NOT supporting bringing MIL Back home unless she has 24/7 care and be SURE you don't offer up ANY support that you do not want to do.
Done firmly, and lovingly---it could be ok.
Occam's “Razor” is the stated principle that, all things being equal, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.
She doesn't live local, thus it's her haphazard approach to:
A) honor her mom's most deepest want "to stay in her own home". (at all cost)
B) satisfy a somewhat guilty conscious.
To Barb’s point, I agree that there something is way off with SIL’s perceptions and reasoning. Dementia? I dunno.
Whether the root cause is neuro or psycho, SIL certainly has a selective relationship with reality.
"I thought Dorker loved mom" a couple of weeks back strikes me as being the sort of kindergarten-level reasoning skills that we started see from my mom at the outset of her cognitive decline.
I imagine, that in SILs case a lot of it stems from a need to feel productive - that she is doing something that has meaningful impact in regards to her mother. Yet - she is so, so often missing the mark. Missing the bigger picture. I mean, sure - the driveway is shiny bright but the washing machine remains a cesspool. As if MIL could stand there through an entire rinse cycle with her trusty No. 2 at the ready... The level of germy contamination that ridiculous procedure must be creating... no wonder MIL is a regular attendee at Chitapalooza, right? Ewee, yuck!
And, of course - I feel badly for that poor dog. Not that I think Dorker or anyone else ought to be running over to MIL’s twice daily to give the poor old thing his pills... Still, I do believe when we bring a pet(s) into our homes we are obligated to care for them appropriately. And here’s Poochy - getting his azz wiped multiple times a day but not being given vet prescribed medications. AND - all that nonsense about him being a vegetarian?!! Imagine a wolf roaming the Alaskan tundra- in search of a salad bar... Jack London is positivily spinning in his grave!
I can hardly wait for the recap of Monday’s phone call from SIL. Even more so - dh’s reaction when he eventually puts two and two together and figures out that it doesn’t equal Dorker happily resuming HIS RESPONSIBILITIES in his mothers care. Cause I honestly think that’s what he is thinking. That SIL and Dorker will make up and all will return to “normal”, allowing him to resume - hassle and pastor free - his chosen priorities.
I don’t think its gonna dawn on him right away- btw. But I don’t envy you, Dorker - when he does figure it out.
Her dog, her much beloved, more important to her than the air she breathes dog . and her unable to administer the 2 x's daily .. pill the doc had rx'd.
When I'd be there, .. I'd take care of it .. but that was only 1 x weekly that I was there, generally AM .. and so no PM dose .. no way to do it . she couldn't .. arthritic fingers .. can't even hold onto the little pill in her hands that won't close tight enough.
Her lamenting that scene. She'd wrap it in cheese, in peanut butter, lunch meat you name it .. the dog would take it . whatever it was wrapped in . and walk away with it . and then manage to unwrap it .. and eat whatever was surrounding the little pill and leave the pill in the floor.
Her frustrated with that situation.
I remember thinking, I am not going to come here 2 x's a day to administer a pill to your pet. I didn't say that to her .. the only thing I said to her, .. "might want to in the future . ask if they have it in liquid form .. maybe you could mix it into his food .. that's what we do for babies that can't take pills".
I remember suggesting that they talk to Flighty C next door (an avowed pet lover herself) .. that got shot down .. (her supposedly part of Team MIL that never came to fruition). No one thought it suitable to bother the neighbor to come 2x's daily.
Her now lamenting that she can't get to the vet to even talk to them .. that it was YD that took the dog to the vet for her .. my reminding her, "You can certainly have YD talk to them about that, .. and/or call them . if you'd like, see if they can change it to liquid form .. and use that instead". (But you see, the above advice would require she be firing better cognitively speaking, than she does)..
And off I'd go.
I don't know what others do in that situation. Yes, even I think it's cruel to just tell her, .. "ya know, you've reached an age you can't even take care of the pet, so we're taking him from you .. you don't get to have a pet any longer". That just seems cruel . and .. in the end, that pet is her life's blood .. and her reason for getting out of bed daily ..
But what to do when the person is so old and frail they can no longer take care of the pet adequately. I don't know.
THAT .. just another in the long list of absurdities in it all. I don't think I ever even put that on SIL's radar .. to then have it circle back to me, .. "gee, could you guys all take turns and maybe some of you go there daily .. and get that pill in him".
NO.
Another absurdity was the shower situation. MIL had fallen .. (this is history .. quite some time back). She'd not fallen in the shower, but had fallen .. a particularly nasty spill .. not injured but nonetheless.
MIL now feared showering alone .. so it was said by SIL .. and summoned to now go "sit" .. (not assist) .. just sit . in her bedroom, while she retired to the dressing room and the shower in there, .. in case of a fall. Didn't want to shower alone .. in case she fell in there.
So .. started down that path. Going to "sit" while she showers. Summoned YD also as part of that, as well as DH some (though DH .. of course, whodathunk it .. far too busy for much of that endeavor).
She didn't shower daily (still doesn't) .. it's too much for her.
Maybe 2 or 3 x's a week.
What you were finding in that set up .. you'd show up there, purposely for her to shower . and she'd sit and wax and wane on and on .. lonely .. needing someone to talk to .. and so that would go on endlessly. And then after an hour or so .. maybe more, you'd prompt her .. "hey .. I guess you better head for the shower, I gotta get going here soon", knowing that even the shower itself is gonna be lengthy .. anything she does is time consuming .. because she's slow.
In the end, this was taking .. no lie .. an endeavor that would end up taking 2 and 3 hours in total of your day .. just so she could shower.
YD complaining about it, me finding the same complaint in it all.
This is when I approached SIL .. "hey this really isn't working here . it's taking far too long .. I'm sure that we can get some home health aides .. if the doctor understands to write an order for it . .maybe they could come a couple of times a week and she could shower . and that would leave maybe only one time that YD or myself, or DH has to step up to it.
The response: "Oh she wouldn't want to be vulnerable and in the shower, . with a stranger in the home .. she'd be afraid they'd pilfer thru her things .. and maybe steal from her .. she wouldn't want that .. you know how she is about "others" coming and going".
Went on just a bit longer, me continuing to push my agenda above . and I guess that got presented .. via SIL to MIL . who then decided, she's no longer fearful of showering alone . .and so that "need" was shelved.
So damn many absurdities...
So many instances of where this person .. cannot and should not be living alone .. period.
And suggestions to address the many deep varied needs .. get refused .. so so many.
From what I understand .. per DH .. his sister is to call me Monday afternoon . .
I'm not even real sure that there's much to say to her at this point. I have already told DH where I stand .. and he can communicate that . or not .. no longer up to me, how they do things or don't.
It's these kinds of things, .. these absolute atrocious absurdities .. that have caused me to back away from the whole thing. But pointless to bring them to the forefront to someone whose agenda is always going to be, as it should be, it's her mom .. her mom's happiness and be damned the consequences and pitfalls to others who have to step to that need. Pointless to haul thru all the minutia of it all.
You think of all the mindless absolutely confounding absurdities .. and you wonder why you even stayed engaged at all.
I mean one of the last things that was being encountered her still here .. living alone at the time .. of course the chitapalooza that was ongoing.
But her dog .. her dog with some latest malady .. a skin affliction that the docs had rx'd an antibiotic for. Her unable to administer the pill (arthritic fingers).
The real question is how well she and DH are going to deal with the very real issues of MIL's declining abilities NOW...
I'm guessing nothing will be done until their trip here in January, and at that time the real action (finding a facility for MIL) will begin.
Any chance you can plan an extended trip around that time?
BUT MIL DOESN'T GO OUTSIDE .. ever.
So I didn't see any urgency to getting that done.
But .. it's not up to me.
She also .. (MIL I think could've throttled her) . recently in one of her most recent visits .. found next door .. someone was pressure washing . and walked over there to ask how much they'd charge to come pressure wash MIL's deck and the back of her house .. brick outside .. where again . mold builds .. from shading in the area . and the guy gave her a price . and she paid them out of MIL's checkbook.
I guess MIL felt railroaded into it. But as she put it, .. "H377 I can't even get out there to enjoy seeing any of it .. and I just wonder if she's spent my last dime on that and I can't even enjoy it, I'm leaving here, being forced to leave .. it's nothing I'll ever get out there to enjoy .. ".
The wonky washing machine (dryer works fine) . that has to do with the fact (here in FL we don't have basements .. our piping under our homes is either laid in the concrete foundation the house is built on - her's is .. or it's under the house . in a crawl space between the bottom exterior of the home and dirt)
And in her case, . the piping . the drainage . at least for the washing machine . has settled to the degree there isn't enough "fall" to it anymore, .. the degree of "fall" has collapsed . and so .. it backs up.
It would be a nightmare to deal with if you were a household of 3 kids and a mom and dad and all the laundry that ensues. In her case, it's just her .. and the laundry she accumulates as one lone old lady. Even still, it's no picnic.
What happens is the washer goes thru that cycle of washing the clothes . now all that water has to go somewhere .. it drains out . in a system that is working properly .. not her's. It backs up.
So what you have to do is lift the lid while it's in it's draining process . and let some of the water go out .. as you hold a pencil down into the activator button that the lid would activate if it were closed ... you have to stand there, . hold a pencil in that little slot .. to activate that drainage process .. and let some water drain out . and watch it in the piping behind the washer . .as you see it begin to build .. that water isn't draining fast enough it's fixing to overflow .. you jerk the pencil out .. and now the water stops .. the drainage process stops . .so that water that has built up now in that piping . that you just saw about to oveflow . can slowly work it's way down again .. and you stand there, .. washer full of water that needs to drain out . doing nothing .. and then in a few mins . when it's had a few mins to catch up to it's slow drainage .. then you do it again, stick the pencil in there and let it drain some more, then lather rinse repeat, . this goes on repeatedly til the water drains out . now you can close the lid and let it refill for it's rinse cycle and when that is to drain . now do it all again .. same thing.
Why doesn't she fix it?
DH could do it . and has offered.
But .. it's gonna require ripping up her kitchen floor (attached to the utility room where this all is) .. and then busting up the concrete floor to access the faulty drainage to replace it . then pouring concrete back .. then a new floor. Costly.
Same reason she limps along with an a/c unit that is old and badly in need or replacement.
The home is r/m'd .. and her thoughts are .. I will be dead and gone one day .. and whoever gets this house when the bank takes it .. they can fix it all.
The ink cartridge though, has to take the prize. MIL can't even turn on the printer, much less her laptop. She needs an ink cartridge. HA!
A mother has been counseled "never" to say "no" to her preschool-age child. When the child grabs a pair of scissors and starts to cut up the mom's wedding pictures (this is back in the 1970's; these are the ONLY copies of these pictures) she reluctantly allows the child to destroy them.
It was an extreme case, but one that was presented to us as a cautionary tale about the danger of telling parents "never" to do something.
I think as you detach, you will see how truly crazy MIL, SIL and DH actually are acting. You're the adult in the room, and have been for a long time.
What's this craziness about power washing a driveway?
And yes . .. another hair brain scheme.
I'd expressed some concern she shouldn't be driving anymore . that none of us ever ride with her, we always do the driving .. for her. We don't even know her capabilities to be doing so. Suggested that maybe DH or she would like to take her out and about and let her drive, . .ascertain whether she's doing okay with that.
What did SIL do about that?
Next time she was here, ..she carted MIL off to the DMV for renewal of her DL .. (not her fault the state of FL just hands em out like candy apparently . .no testing involved, other than vision . .but nonetheless). New DL in hand .. no assessing capability thereof, at all.
Did this in May .. DL not to expire until November .. some six months forward ...
I guess I tipped SIL off inadvertently that left to that issue and my control .. I'd probably be the one to cart her to the DMV .. her not here in November to do it herself . and we all know what I'd of done .. I'd of asked of the personnel . that they do an assessment . not a doubt in my mind I'd of asked for that. Don't know if I'd of gotten it .. maybe they don't do assessments .. on folks that already have a DL (stupid if they don't).
But SIL took that one .. and ran with it .. hairbrained as it is .. yes .. by all means .. let's go and get that all important rubber stamp approval for a renewal of the DL .. might mean she'd have to have other measures .. if she can't drive herself.
Ignore . the suggestion that might need a closer look, her capabilities to do so. Just ignore that.
Hairbrain/ludicrous/absurd ..
So so many things ..
And yes, at one point .. she did want me hunting down walkers high and low, one for every room . before that it was canes .. she wanted me hunting hi and low for.
You guys forgot the doggie diapers and child gate caper.
Whatever. Indicative of someone who shouldn't be charting her own course and the whimsy of a daughter who wants any/every measure enacted to keep her mom in her home, and not displease her in any way at all.
The treadmill, that was actually an exercise bike .. but nonetheless. Sat used maybe the few times the PT personnel were on site to assist. Outside of that, it has collected dust. AS I TRIED TO SAY IT WOULD!
Incidentally, FWIW .. was out running around shopping with DD this afternoon when the following text appears on my phone from DH (a forward from his sister) that he chose to send to me:
"Hey when I send a text or pics to you and Dorker I usually get a reply from you but not from her. Also when I've sent a text to Dorker asking if she's free to talk so I could give her a call, I don't get any response .. Just wondering .. did she block my number?".
((FWIW .. I told DH that I had blocked her from texting me, so why he sent that to me, .. I'm not sure and I haven't asked, don't care. His listening skills need some honing too apparently, he's been told.)))
My answer to his texts:
"she can call me. She over-texts"
And that was that. I'm back home now .. from an afternoon of shopping and enjoying the g'kids and DH hasn't said another thing about it .. nor have I asked.
Feels good to me, to not be so overwrought and so emotionally tagged in all of this drama that I really don't even care if I talk to her anymore. Word has been passed along to DH .. as clearly as any human can make it .. if he shares that info appropriately ... great .. if not .. whatever. He can talk to her, .. I don't care if I do or don't. Feels good.
SIL asking Dorker to buy ink for the Printer MIL does not use.
I'd have to also put on the list .. the day she looked at me like I had 3 heads when I suggested the dog be left outside more than inside, to deal with his constant urination issues at the moment. This is FL folks! It's not like we live in Siberia where it's sub zero temps. It's FL for chrissakes! Outside, a bowl of water at his disposal . and shade trees under which to lounge .. and then go alleviate himself.
Her response "I could never do that! That's like asking me to lock a child outside!".
Mmmmkay then!
I'll choose not to get too concerned with you bending over repeatedly, danger of ending up a heap in the floor, and cleaning up dog urine throughout your house!
Just so many absolutely absurd tales from the whole saga.
I hope too that somehow IL can be sold as the option .. as it's only SIL that will jump to the beat of the drum and in sync and perfect harmony.
DH is NOT gonna be apt to do it ..
And I'm not going to either.
But by GOLLY yes, let's let this lady chart the course for her path forward .. by all means .. she can still "Think" afterall.
I probably never told the story of when she'd decided to pick fleas off her dog. I guess, in her mind, she'd come to the conclusion, all these chemicals that we give our pets and/or apply to them, . to stave off flea infestation . not good for them.
She ceased doing so. In short order, fleas became a problem .. as they will .. on most any pet, and more to the point in hot climates.
Her mode henceforth to deal with said infestation was to get one of those fine tooth combs that you use, for nits of head lice. Now combing Fido regularly . like numerous times per day, to filter out and her pick out the fleas on him . and still .. she was infested . in her house ..
And no amount of trying to coerce her .. "that is just stupid MIL .. you're never gonna be able to get all the fleas off of him and keep them off . and rid your house of it all .. that's just crazy".
I think the only thing that turned the course of the above craziness was when I reminded her, "okay .. well you give him all these other chemicals in the Glucosamine you give him all the time, and the pill pox that you put his pills in .. and the Probiotics you give him daily .. but whatever".
I guess that convinced her . it's not so bad to have the dog ingest flea medication to rid him of flea infestation. But the above went onward for weeks before she could be convinced otherwise.
Or ..
The other hairbrain thing that went on and just absolutely infuriated me.
OD with her mental health history .. suicide ideation and so forth. And for MIL to question her, .. "have you ever seriously considered suicide, .. ???......what was your plan .. did you have a plan ...". MIL: "Sometimes I myself think of offing myself".
GAWD .. can you think of a worse person to have this dialogue with.
Come on!
But she can still think by GOLLY. Mmm'kay.
Wonderful combination of fantastical and impractical in that particular imposition on D's goodwill.
I see absolutely nothing strange in ironing one's pyjamas. I hope my children understand that it's the very least I shall expect from them once I enter my dotage. Perhaps I should put it on my DPOA form 🤔
I think my top three would include:
The ironing of pajamas,
The vegetarian dog, and
wipping Poochys behind with baby wipes every single time the dog conducts some business. For the record - I have wiped my fur babies behinds on the rare occasion, when they’ve had tummy troubles- but certainly not EVERY time they go - not even close.
Anyhoo - I think sometimes it helps to look at the situation in this manner. It puts the perspective of “Really? You’ve got to be chitting me!?!” on it all.
And, from that perspective anyone with half a brain would realize the absurdity of letting this little old lady call the shots in her own care.
My mother is now in a different rehab facility (probably will transition to long-term residence at this facility at some point). There are many assumptions that the local family members will be at the facility a lot. I've already been told that being there 2-3 hours/day will help my mother transition, that I should bring her to activities, etc. And all of the logistics are run by me. I have to go with her (via the nursing home van) to doctor appointments.
You know H won't do this stuff. So who will? It won't be you. SIL is the only one who will step and fetch for not only MIL but also the facility, so the facility needs to be in Illinois. I hope H makes sure MIL doesn't end up in Florida.
(By the way, I am NOT spending 2 - 3 hours/day at the rehab facility.)