I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
My Sister was pretty useless when things got rough other than the fact that she was the only person that would laugh along with me to the point she said she would pee her pants as I passed on the stories of the day to her. So, she was not completely useless. I take that back.
Anyway, sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.
I think you are passed the point that you think you have to convince anyone or yourself that you have done everything you could do and you are completely at peace with the part you now play in this situation. I know you say it. I hope you mean it. I would hate to think that is what is contributing to your anxiety. That somehow, on some level, you still think you need to be involved.
To me, "sense of humour failure" is pretty much diagnostic of caregiver burnout. You will know you really are on the mend when you can think back to some of MIL's finest hours and see the funny side.
As part of that application process .. we were reviewing what meds we both presently take .. and I listed mine and told her that I've recently had to go on anxiety meds . MIL situation . and got into that just a snippet a bit.
And her then telling me her tale of woe with her own mom. One that . struck me .. as almost .. I could cry .. that she can laugh about .. she truly .. can laugh about it . that is so foreign to me .. to be able to laugh about the situation I live.
Her mom doesn't live local . lives in NC .. and she has one brother .. also in NC . but about 4 hours away . she is about 9 hours away from her mom.
Talking with her . and all that she and the brother have done to try to persuade their mom that her home is not a safe environment anymore for her . (has a basement she has to get to do laundry . . and presently .. the way she does so . is to get in her car . in the car . parked in front of her house .. and drive around the curve to where the d/w is for the basement . and go in that way .. rather than negotiate the stairs .. to do her laundry . that's what the mom does ...
The mom has fallen a few times and of those times . she has broken a few bones .. and recently hospitalized for yet another fall .. a broken shoulder and a broken wrist from this fall. And then sent to rehab....
She telling the story that a social worker called her . the daughter . that the mother needs to be living in a safer environment that they are all but ready to declare her incompetent to make her own decisions . as she won't do anything as to going to a rehab wants to go home . won't sign paperwork . won't make phone calls . etc .. refuses . wants to go home.
The daughter telling this story .. that she and her brother both have tried .. and tried and tried . w/this stubborn old cuss of a woman .. to get her to understand it's no longer safe for her to live alone ..
But her telling it in some humor in it all..
The differences there . some stark. She has allowed that the daughter have groceries delivered to her . and after some bumps and funny (or so she thought . I'd of likely not been able to find humor . only frustration . she finds humor) after some bumps in the road to getting that up and funcitonal .. she has that running like a well oiled machine for her mom now . grocery delivery. After her mom having fired every home health care aide they enlisted .. for whatever reasons . she is now using a former hair dresser of her's .. as her home health aide . the daughter finding in that also . humor .. but the stark difference there . at least the mom relented to allowing help.
Just really struck me as so stark . that she can laugh about it .. I even said as much to her . "maybe it makes a world of difference when it's YOUR mom . and not your in law".
I asked her, . "what do you think you and your brother would've done had she been staunchly opposed to having any help .. grocery delivery and a home health aide . what would you have done".
She said .. "oh she was . she dug in her heels . badly .. she did .. she fell outside the grocery store at one point . on the curb . trying to negotiate the curb . broke her ankle .. she dug in her heels she was not gonna cave in . but eventually she did". The home health aide .. she fired every single one we found for her .. finding some problem or another .. so it hasn't been easy.
I asked her, "how do you find that you can laugh about it and still have sense of humor". She said . "what else am I gonna do .. I don't live in NC .. I can't be there to see to her, nor does my brother .. she won't move here . all we can do is try to put in place for her what we can .. and try to encourage she do otherwise . til then .. that's all we can do".
Just so interesting to me.
Not in going and buying wonderment for our kids .. or us. But spent "time" with our kids, tea parties in the floor, hikes in the woods with them .. batting tennis balls around on the court, trips to the beach, you name it. Spent "time". She was anything but selfish in her younger years.
She was really a pretty good MIL .. minding her own biz and accommodating wherever needed, as to our lives and our decisions .. in her younger years.
Maybe that's partly why I was involved as much as I was, for as long as I was .. She was a good person.
She is now . .. and has been .. a needy/aged/frail old woman with a pervasive failure to look outside herself and her wants and needs (cognitive impairment ..???.... perhaps).
As can probably be deciphered in what all is written here by me, .. I pretty much, don't hold MIL as accountable, as I do her daughter ..
It's my firm belief she is impaired mentally ..
I haven't seen this talked about but: MIL is nearing the end of her life and it sounds like she is selfish, self-centered. I believe she will have to render account of how she lived, treated others, before the Lord. We all need to keep this in mind, in my opinion. Is it really wise to encourage SIL, MIL, DH to keep putting this off? I don't think SIL is doing MIL any favors by her obsession with making MIL "happy". An excellent piece of advice I received years ago: "The Lord wants to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable."
He's cut from the same cloth, IMO.
Linda: SIL has said as much .. "I just .. I don't know how long she has left on this earth .. and I want her to be happy .. as can be anyway .. that's why I try to get for her, whatever in home services I can possibly get . to help her age in place .. she doesn't want to leave her home .. and so I try to get for her, whatever I can . to help that . so she can stay there .. I just want her to be happy .. as much as can be anyway ... ".
MOW's
Housekeeper
ill-fated in home health aides .. that MIL sent away .. language barrier
Life alert
Momentarily entertained notion of private pay Home Health aides
And yes, .. all the above .. helpful for someone who wishes to age in place .. and not leave their home.
But what are you going to do about their:
Failure at med compliance
Failure to use Depends when Chitapalooza strikes so frequently
Their dog that's more important to them than the air they breath . yet they can't adequately care for them anymore.
Frequent visits to docs .. and refusal to entertain anyone as an "other" that can step in to this need
And more to the point .. when are you going to sit up and take notice . that .. her life is not going to be about ironed PJ's .. and vegetarian dog foods .. and so forth . when she is not the one that can any longer manage it .. and be okay with it.
I can relate to estranged BIL because I refuse to go along with my family's status quo and by choice am estranged from many of them myself. It sounds like BIL got tired of the denial game and trying to talk about what bothered him only to be met with, "Oh, BIL, don't be like that. We don't know why you're so upset."
Maybe, like SIL with MIL, MIL wanted more potions, rest, magic cures for her late husband and failed to address the meds needed or problem at hand and BIL blames her for his dad dying. Just guessing, but MIL and SIL sure are cut from the same cloth with the magical thinking. Add to that MIL's mean streak and I can see totally why he doesn't want any part of it anymore.
I suspect that you could tell SIL exactly how you feel and 5 minutes later she'll still say she "doesn't understand" what the problem is. But I still think for you, just to get it off your chest, you should write that letter Countrymouse suggested. And then try to just let go of any expectation of understanding on SIL's part and just keep firm on your boundaries. Be cordial but firm.
I have asked her, "I thought you said she'd manage .. you left here .. back in so and so month . and we talked about all this . you said she'd manage .. I guess SIL I just question why you send all this need in my direction, just exactly what is she managing .. sounds like there is a whole helluva lotta need that you send my way".
I have said that to her in various forms.
The answer would always lie somewhere in the "She's just so damn stubborn .. I know .. I don't know what we'll do with her".
Non-answers.
Listen to her chest/back .. etc .. they tell her they don't hear anything as to her lungs and fluid .. and that it's hard to know without further investigation . they will write an order for an MRI .. and if she'd like they can get that done . and that may tell.
Ask her if she wants to do that, she declines .. no .. don't want to.
The doc then says, "Well tell ya what, we'll go ahead and write the order, if you change your mind .. simply call here and we'll get it set up for ya".
She agrees to that.
We leave. On the ride home, I ask her again .. "are you sure you don't want to try to get something on the radar as to getting that MRI .. and maybe looking into that back/rib pain?".
MIL: "No I really don't .. I don't know .. I'll think about that another day . ya know .. this is all just not what I want . it's not what I'm about, running to doctors all the time with every ache and pain".
Me: "Okay . well just know if you change your mind . they'll get that scheduled".
MIL: "I'll think about it".
I drop it. I don't mention it again .. at all, ever.
SIL then asking me what did they have to say about the above, I explain as I did above how that all went.
She begins hounding her mom ..
I don't know what her mom told her .. wasn't privy to their dialogue.
Then .. she also begins hounding me .. "I wish mom would go for that MRI .. ya know . that pain she has . it's so bad when it comes upon her . I wish she'd go".
ME: "Yep .. I guess if it's bad enough she'll go see about it".
SIL: "We need to convince her that she's gotta get that looked into".
ME: "Nah . I already talked to her about it . she knows .. if she wants to get it looked into".
SIL: "She's so damn stubborn .. I mean .. you hurt, something is wrong .. you go to the doctor . that's what you do .. she has always been so AVERSE to going to a doctor .. she hates going to doctors .. always has".
Me: "Yep".
SIL: "I just wish we could convince her to get that looked into".
Me: "Gotta go .. on my way out to do _____________".
By this point in all the saga .. I have long since come to the conclusion .. and thus my fast exit from any further dialogue on the topic .. vs what used to be the case, .. where she and I would hash out and plan further approach to whatever the latest dilemma was .. and enact said plan or dialogue to keep it on the radar .. nope I had long since come to the conclusion by this point . this was months ago .. that I am not playing that game any longer .. if she doesn't wanna look into something . I'm gonna take her at her word . and not persuade/cajole/argue . . etc .. if SIL wants to . that's on her .. she can persaude/cajole/argue . all she wants . but that's not gonna be how I approach things . and if the arm twisting starts in my corner, I'll just make an excuse and get outta the conversation . and that's what I did do.
Had SIL been the one on the scene in the above setting . she'd of hounded her mom to the ends of the earth .. til her mom relented .. if nothing else .. just to shut her the h377 up .. and off they'd of gone .. to the MRI .. and then back again for the results and then for whatever else ensued as to any further investigation.
That's what I mean .. inherent in their approach .. leaving her to manage .. then do that .. leave her to manage.
And quit dumping it on me.
Leave her to manage .. in my view .. would've been .. I explained to SIL what was discussed . as well as her mom's response .. and she'd of left it at that .. and not tried to arm twist ..
That's what I refer to.
It has taken a whole helluva lot of ducking and dodging on my part, .. even beyond the point I set some firm limits on what/when and where I will do .. it still was flying at me .. but by now . I was mastering the art of ducking and dodging myself .. the dental appt being one .. the dog food another one .. and the above another one ..
Pick a path and get on it .. any path .. get on it . and stay on it.
"Ya know Dorker, we hear ya .... it's a damn shame she's so stubborn ... she's going to end up like some other cases ... and she will have the choice, ultimately taken out of her hands .. in the end, by some fall or some sickness that renders her unable to chart any course forward .. that's about where all this is".
Let's say the above had been said .. rather than what was said, which was a whole bunch of "She'll manage, .. she knows she has to _________ and _______ and do _______ and she says she'll do it, she'll manage" .. or .. the other that I heard so often .. "I know, she's so stubborn .. I don't know what we're going to do with her".
Let's say the former, . had been the flavor of any dialogue ongoing ..
Well, . I might've still had a coronary over that as an approach .. but .. whatever .. their choice, their mom.
BUT .....
The former as an approach . would've .. at least in my mind's eye .. maybe seen more of ... "gee mom that dentist cancelled your appt .. well, hope that works out for you".
"What's that mom .. you say you'll just let it rot out of your head, it's just too hard to get anywhere and coordinate with how to do it .. and others and their schedules .. Well okay mom .. that's certainly your choice .. not a wise one . but your teeth .. hope that works out for ya".
Rather than .. what did occur .. SIL putting it on my radar to try to bait me .. into stepping to that .. yet another need .. after I have clearly stated that I do Thursdays .. Thursdays only.
Or maybe she would call the dentist herself .. find another Thursday .. and then just merely let me know "Hey that dentist cancelled next week's appt .. but I did get it rescheduled for Thursday "x" date .. two weeks from the original date . just checking to be sure that works for you".
I guess the inference there .. citing only one example of how things play out vs how they could play out .. maybe that .. answers of "She's just so stubborn, I don't know what we'll do with her", .. or .. "She understand she has to ______ and ____ and she knows she's got to _______, she'll manage now" .. and then only to send the directives flying .. in her absence here.
Those are non-answers.
Pick a path .. pick one, choose one ..
You want your mom on the path that she is choosing . that of refusal to entertain any other notion than the one she maintains of stubbornness and refusal to see she needs help and let the chips fall where they may . then do that ... live it .. don't then go dumping the results of that .. on the person who has said they are doing "x" and only "x" as to support of the setting.
A great example of the dichotomy of the approaches. MIL with nagging back/rib pain subsequent to her fall last xmas. A pain in her back/ribs .. (flares from time to time) .. and when it does begin to act up ..it's pretty marked. I have asked her .. "do you want to go get a chest xray or go to the doc .. " No, she doesn't .. that's not what she's about (said in exaggerated tone .. as she repeats that mantra a lot) .. and so I ignore it .. and go on.
Then . we are slated to go get her knee injections .. SIL in my ear, .. "Talk to them .. at the ortho doc . see if they have any opinion on that rib/back pain .. maybe they can recommend something".
Me: "SIL .. I know what they'll recommend .. they'll recommend a chest x-ray or MRI .. and I have asked her if she wants it looked into . she says no".
SIL: "Well . I guess .. just since you're gonna be there any way .. just see .. just mention it to them .. see if they have any recommendation:
Me: "Okay sure .. ".
Off we go to the ortho to get the knee injections . there .. that gets mention .. bu me .. and the recommendation .. (they listen to her chest/back .. they don't hear anything) tell her that her
I had a great session with my therapist yesterday--we specifically discussed "delusional personality disorder" as I am going through my own hell with a friend who appears to be suffering severely from DPD.
She LITERALLY is incapable of functioning outside of the delusional life she is living. She has partial (not legal, just verbal contract) custody of her 3 grandkids. Her son has actual custody and he "lets" his mother raise the kids. He lives 1000 miles away, working as trucker on the ND pipeline. He said he'd support his mother and kids, well, it's been nearly 2 years now, and all he's reluctantly allowed her to have for support is about $1000. Not a month, that;s the total for almost 2 years.
SHE TRULY BELIEVES THAT HE IS SUDDENLY GOING TO CHANGE AND BE A STELLAR, STAND UP GUY.
You cannot say a word against the guy. She thinks he just needs to be "understood"--I can't write down all the shady, crappy and illegal stuff this guy has done--pretty effectively ruining this woman's life. He won't be content until he's killed her, I'm afraid.
No manner of talk to her can help her to SEE what everyone else SEES.
A DPD just creates their delusional little world, move in and live there. IF there was money to support this sickness, I suppose she could go on for a long, long time. Sadly, she will lose her house in the next 6 months b/c she cannot make the house payment. The kids will wind up in foster care, she will be bankrupt (again) and life will be a mess--all b/c she believes in her son.
This is in many ways similar to your SIL and MIL and DH. They all live, to an extent, in total delusion-ville. That somehow through sheer stubbornness or strength they are going to MAKE things happen their way.
I'm not saying you should not have faith or courage or hope--I'm talking about total and utter denial of the situation and the lack of the skills to cope with the truth.
We ALL live in some kind of "delusional state"--it keeps us believing, going along and hoping for the best.
BUT, mentally healthy people understand when something just isn't working and they adapt, or grow, or make changes. They can see what's not working...they don't shut the doors on delusion-ville and ignore the outside world.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of mental illness.
Dorker. DH's whole family could use a TEAM of psychiatrists and not get to the bottom of the "problem". MIL won't live long enough for that to happen, for one thing, for another, they simply don't CARE enough.
When I spoke to my friend on Monday, I asked her (very gently) "would you consider some help? A counselor? A mediator?" To which she ANGRILY hsouted at me "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, IT'S ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE THE PROBLEM".
Ok, well I stepped away and I will support her, but from a distance. Until/if she gets a clue as to what she needs to do to save herself from poverty and ruin---no one can help her. The doors to her delusional city are locked tight.
Sad, so sad.
I hope you can talk to SIL and make it a long talk that helps heal...but I don't think I would worry too much about it happening. If she only bothered to slate 10minutes for a call that could take hours...she's not serious.
{{Hugs}}
Dorker. I think that one reason this issue causes you so much stress and anxiety is that although you have successfully stepped back, and although you are very (and correctly) decided in your own mind that you will not be stepping back in, you don't quite, fully believe the following:
You can care about a person very much and still disagree with her care plan.
Heavens! You can be very fond of a cute little mutt and still think that tracking down vegetarian treats for it is a ridiculous waste of time, money and effort.
You can say no AND stay friends with the person you are saying no to.
Talking to SIL is not about making up and reverting to your previous relationship, where she made increasingly bonkers demands on you and you said oh okay then until your head exploded.
Things are different now. SIL is a caregiver and you are her supportive friend. You are not her stand in or your husband's stand in. You wish the very best for MIL, you have your own informed view of what would serve her best, but you have no responsibility for her. None.
You have stopped trying to please and instead you are using your judgement of what is best. They'll get used to it. You're not doing anything wrong.
But yes, curious she would do so at a time, she clearly has only about 10 mins .. as she indicated in her voice message.
And yes, I do think that DH's approach .. though I've made it as clear as I know how to make it .. that a kissy kissy makeup session does not equate at all, to restoration of Dorker on the front lines of all this .. I've told him, I am out .. I will visit with their mom . socialize .. help with maybe incidentals that are needed .. and maybe take her out to lunch .. but doc visits .. not doing it .. all to sort thru and assimilate info that there is no follow through on .. and worse yet .. to be at the beckon call of his sister and her whimsical thoughts as to whatever next whirligig will instill youth to their mom . not doing it .. and that hospital confinements .. someone on site to sit vigil to sort thru what's ongoing . not gonna be me.
I have told him this .. I've said it.
If he still thinks a kissy kissy makeup session is gonna right the course of things .. then that's on him to sort thru .. I can't fix what he doesn't comprehend.
SIL .. she's finding that her ducking and dodging has her now .. in that same path .. one she has firmly laid herself . she is no longer able to just send out directives and her whimsical magical thinking .. via text .. that engages Dorker and will eventually buy her more whimsical thinking .. of being able to sprinkle fairy dust on it all and waltz away from it. That is blocked now.
DH is finding that his bullying tactics of coming at this with anger and wrath .. that's not working either ..
At the root of it all .. these are people who are .. man is there even a word to describe how bad it is .. woefully unskilled at communicating effectively .. there is none .. it's absent in these people.
For a long time it worked .. MIL wasn't as compromised and only needed occasional help .. Dorker at the ready to step to it. No problems ongoing . it was manageable. It evolved from that to more need .. not to the point yet it was being balked at .. Dorker still stepping to it ..
In all of that Dorker also beginning to note the increased need .. at least to herself . but not really speaking out loud about it .. just stepping to it .. and it increasing more and more .. as time waned on .. ultimately culminating in Dorker now beginning to make some quiet/diplomatic noise about it .. noise that was being ignored .. and treated with wrath/anger .. and still Dorker kept at it ....
Buying into .. at least for a while . SIL's .. "Well I can't be here all the time, I come as often as I can" ... Dorker still buying into .. DH's .. "she's old .. she needs help". Dorker still buying into somewhat . .. "she'll manage", "she's just so stubborn" .
Until .. the noise .. now no longer diplomatic .. and more insistent .. and still ignored .
And the patterns .. the patterns that so played a role for so long in all of this .. ultimately no longer viable .. Dorker no longer playing. Dorker took her ball and went home ..
Ignoring me .. nope .. not working.
Anger/wrath . nope .. not working anymore.
And so here we are .. at present day.
I don't think DH is "manipulating" at all. I think . in truth . he doesn't have a clear understanding of why I'd be angry ..
How does one fully understand, wear it/own it .. live it .. breath it .. if they haven't had to do it themselves.
SIL .. I think she lives in some kinda delusional state .. as I've pointed out to her countless times watching her waltz off again to her life in IL .. "YES SIL she's doing great .. now .. that's because she's had in you .. a visit here .. and 24/7 care .. she doesn't have that when you aren't here .. and she falls off the rails".
I've said that to her, more than once. To the assurance, "Well she understands ___________ and _____________ and is gonna __________ and _________" .. as she yet again waltzes off to her own life .. to then send directives flying from afar.
As recent as in her care, there in IL .. and marveling at the lack of edema problems .. and my responding to that, .. "of course it's better .. she's on her meds, you make sure of it . you're on site .. you're there .. and you do everything but breathe for her when you're in her presence .. stuff she has to do for herself when you aren't there .. of course the edema is better".
Said back when she and I were on speaking terms ...
And there was a day when that alone would be assurance enough . on her part .. that her mom is fine to leave again .. her with the "well she understands now that she has to ___________ and ____________ and shes' gonna do it" .. and so she'll be fine, she'll manage".
I'm trying to communicate w/people that have absolutely zero skills to do so.
They don't "hear/own" what is said to them!
The brother .. who has waltzed out of their lives .. and is gone now .. for good .. him too .. woefully poor at any attempt to communicate to anyone in this .. what is it that's his grievance. No skill at all.
Didn't go well.
You might would think the brother .. and in years past .. he might've .. offered that we stay .. let's get something on the grill and cook out .. etc.
Nope.
He wasn't welcoming at all. He wasn't ugly to us per se .. he did invite us in (lives alone or did at that time, who knows now what is the case) .. did invite us in .. and we sat and talked to him . but .. when DH approached the subject .. he matter of fact like referred to his mom as a "C" word .. and that he has no intention of ever entering her life again ... DH asking what'd she do so wrong that he would find in her that vile a term .. and him only answering he wants nothing to do with her any longer .. out of his life .. gonna stay that way.
We left .. after some .. oh I don't know .. uncomfortable attempt at small talk .. with someone you don't even really know anymore .. for all practical purposes.
That's the last anyone has seen or heard from him.
So .. my point in all this .. even he .. with whatever his grievances are .. never learned any communication skills.
Obviously he has some real issues with his mom . founded or not .. and .. failure to openly discuss it .. with anyone .. all along thru this ....
This family .. sore lack of communication skills.
All of that to point out and answer to .. "how much of all this has even been communicated to SIL by Dorker ..as to the MIL saga".
I can tell you that I have tried .. GOD have I tried.
I have said things to SIL in the past such as .. "I think your mother .. she is either really compromised cognitively .. that she wants to and is allowed to chart her own path .. and cannot do so . or she is really really selfish .. something .. it's selfish that she continues to demand that things all be done her way .. it's selfish .. so either she is selfish or impaired .. ".
I have said that to SIL and to DH.
I have said to SIL and to DH in the past .. that I find fault in both of them .. that their mother DOES NOT MANAGE .. and yet both refuse to address it and deal with it effectively and it angers me that this falls into my lap .. as she goes back to IL and dog sitting or whatever else is on her radar .. and it falls off the rails so routinely .. and he with his churching/hunting .. and them go on with their lives with no plan . no course forward that makes any sense.
I've said it .. to both of them.
I've said it .. to both of them .. that I can't continue propping up what is increased need .. that others need to be brought into the equation ..
You all know how that story has gone .. it has gotten ignored . by SIL . .and anger and wrath from DH.
NOT DEALT WITH AND COMMUNICATED ON!
So .. at the root of all this .. these people .. for whatever the reason .. were never really able to communicate .. they go thru life .. falling off a cliffs with blindfolds on .. that they put on themselves . and then .. wonder what happened .. how did this happen.
They have no ability .. any of them . to "hear/own" what is said to them.
In answer to whether DH is playing both ends against the middle ..
That would assume him to be a whole lot more manipulative than he has known to be. He's usually an off the cuff sort .. if it's on his mind . he's gonna say it .. not like he'd be one to play games.
I truly think .. at the root of it all . is not a manipulation of any sort .. but on his part and on his sister's part .. they both want status quo .. to not have to communicate and address and deal with the hard cold truth . and they can do that if they can just push Dorker back into the role she always played in this ..
SIL can continue playing duck and dodge .. and it worked for a while .. til .. it's not working anymore ..
DH can play anger and wrath and bullying .. that too .. worked for a while .. that too . not working any longer.
That's my rudimentary .. view of it all. They are now facing down having to actually figure a path forward
I found it interesting that SIL called when she only had a few minutes to talk while in transit from one location to another. The second destination being to pick up MIL so she certainly couldn’t talk with MIL in the car...or could she...was that her plan?
I too wondered if DH, behind the scenes was urging SIL to call you to smooth things over. Whether his intention was to repair your and SILs relationship or to get SIL to make peace so that you might be brought back into the fold if needed. You know DH best. Is he that manipulative?
Being from a moderately dysfunctional family myself we did not have communication problems. With the exception of myself everyone was loud, opinionated, etc. EVERYTHING was up for debate. I tried to stay out of the fray most of the time. It was all so overwhelming. But, as I have aged I have morphed into what the rest of my family always was, very opinionated. I have no problem voicing any concerns I may have to anyone on any subject, maybe in a more diplomatic manner than was done in the household that I grew up but if push comes to shove I can throw down with the best of them. Was that learned? Is it in my DNA?
My DHs Family on the other hand I thought when I married in was a family to envy. Everyone was so polite, courteous, close, etc.
Everyone stayed that way until MIL unexpectedly died in 1999. The dysfunction started to show. Then when FIL declined in 2016 all h3LLbroke loose. It was apparent these folks had some serious problems. The siblings, do not, can not communicate!
FIL passed away mid 2016. Things continued to deteriorate. Half of the siblings can only communicate with the other siblings only thru an attorney. The Estate is still not completely settled.
The way you describe your DHs family they appear eerily similar to my DHs family. Right down to the family comedian, which would have been my DHs brother who is now also deceased.
Death and Elder Care seem to shine the light brightly on family dysfunction. Dysfunction that we may not have recognized before chit starts hitting the fan.
Speaking of Chit. DHs opinion that you chit canned his family...apparently he has no idea what it looks like when somebody chit cans somebody. Or, he is using his brother’s choice to walk away from the family as chit canning. IMO not what you have done at all.
So here he is in town, for DD's wedding . (truthfully I don't know why he came, just isn't the type to attend anything that's gonna include crowds .. and not the type that will attend anything that requires he dress up . that's just not him). But in town he was .. maybe some arm twisting brought him here, I really don't know . I'd been busy paying for and planning a wedding . what went on there . behind the scenes .. lost on me.
But here he is . in town now .. for DD's wedding .. and .. I guess . as they were walking into the church ... him in front of SIL/MIL .. and him wearing a suit jacket . obviously he'd just purchased .. as he hadn't removed a tag or something and SIL remarked at that .. reaching out to grab the tag .. on his suit jacket .. and note tha to him . this angered him. He snatched the tag off angrily .. didn't say much.
To the wedding they attend ..
The on to the reception ...
There at the reception (remember how silly this guy is) .. them all seated at the same table .. and dinner rolls there in a basket .. and .. I don't know .. I wasn't there, I was busy .... to hear SIL tell it .. he kept pushing dinner rolls at SIL's husband (a diabetic) .. and SIL's husband .. I guess .. who the h377 knows .. doesnt' have enough sense .. much like a child ... to decline to partake of a bunch of dinner rolls .. and what that will do to his diabetes .. and so SIL corrected the silly man on that .. asked him to stop doing that ...
Then during the reception itself . photog walking around to take pics .. went to take a pic of YD and this brother together .. and him being the silliness that he is (can't be serious) .. he made a funny/silly face .. and MIL corrected him .. asking him "don't do that . now stop it .. just smile .. that's all . you don't need to contort your face like that" ..
That's all I know of what caused the next blow up ..
Then there ya have it .. him again .. gone in the middle of the night. No explanation .. nothing.
And behind that attempts to contact him .. met with even more vile response from him .. and that we should all consider him dead .. hes' gone .. no intent ever again . to be a part of her life (his mom's).
I even reached out to him myself .. this after SIL and DH both had done so and met in him .. vile .. absolutely vile demeanor .. I even reached out to him myself, . asking him .. "but what'd the rest of us do?, .. so now we don't have an relationship with you going forward .. what'd we all do?".
His answer to that .. "consider it collateral damage .... like in a war ... just consider me dead .. to have anything to do with any of you .. is to have to do with her . and I want nothing further to do with her".
I asked him myself, "what'd she do that was so horrible?". The only answer he would give me was that he didn't intend to be a part of her life going forward .. and to consider him dead.
I even said to him, "She's a mom . that's what we do .. we correct .. we say things we maybe shouldn't . but mom's .. that's what we do .. I mean .. she didn't do anything so awful .. what in the world?".
He would only answer me .. in terms of "I want nothing further to do with her .. and to have anything to do with any of you is to be a part of her life .. so consider me dead".
That was in 2009 .. and he has held true to that.
Any attempts to reach out to him beyond that .. have met silence. Letters have been sent .. by MIL/SIL . they go unanswered.
MIL has sent letters .. apologizing for everything but the color of the sky .. imploring she doesn't know what she did .. but she's sorry .. SIL has sent letters imploring their mom is getting old and his absence .. is tearing her apart.
Nothing .. nothing surfaces from it. Silence.
We even DH and myself ........ popped a surprise visit on him . .maybe 2 or 3 years into this .. having found ourselves in that vicinity where he resides .. fora funeral of my family member.
Calling the mother everything but a clown.
And the mother . aware sister is on the phone with him .. goes to pick up an extension to also get in on the conversation . maybe not even aware that in doing so, would hear some shocking outlandish . things from her son .. who would then blast her into the next hemisphere .. and SIL on one extension begging him not to do so . and trying to get her mom off the phone so as to not be subject to this onslaught ..
With that, he was gone.....no further communication . just gone .. any attempt to reach out to him, fell nil. No responses. Just gone . done being "their whipping boy".
The mother now, at least in those days .. a widow .. weathering having lost her husband .. and SIL there in attendance, mostly to sort thru all that is .. the death of a parent .. and get all things in order there .. brother now absent any communication . and mostly the mother's demeanor was just trying to weather now being a widow .. not really distraught yet .. not at that point . over the missing brother.
But that waned on .. him now MIA.
Then .. in a few years .. he resurfaced. He just .. out of the blue .. called .. began coming around again. (not a whole lot - he has lived out of town all his adult life . and .. was never known to frequently visit).
He just reappeared .... as if nothing had happened. And .. it was never talked about .. what had caused all this.
I remember, in those days .. myself .. imploring that maybe some counseling would be beneficial here .. asking had they talked out the issues that precipitated all this . and no and no.
So now he was .. I don't know .. I guess he'd been gone for a few years ..
And then .. he just reappeared .. and .. I think, if you ask MIL .. she will tell you that one morning while he was visiting . she asked him .. as she was fixing b'fast .."would you like to talk about what all caused you to go away mad?". He said in response, "No". That was the end of any attempt to talk anything thru ..
Him now .. coming around . some.
Then .. fast forward to .. the time frame .. DD was getting married .. and so big todo there . .. wedding planned, reception, etc.
Also in that same time frame on the radar .. was M (SIL's daughter) and a destination wedding on her end .. her to be married in some resort on the coast of CA.
Of the brother . I will say this .. he is pretty much a recluse .. always has been.
To have any assumption that he will attend a wedding .. or anything else, .. is probably wrong .. to assume so. He really could care less about such things . and putting him in proximity of crowds .. not something he's gonna be apt to want to partake of, that's the truth.
So we have . in the b'ground of all this .. on the radar .. this talk of the "Destination" wedding in the works, complete with an expensive (he had the $ to do so .. he just isn't inclined to enjoy such .. thus .. no interest in doing it) .. expensive resort .. and so forth .. and so the assumption on MIL's part was that it'd be one big happy family to attend this "destiantion wedding".
I had already announced that I was on the heels of paying for DD's wedding and cannot afford a big resort destination wedding, won't be going . at which she offered to pay for us . and no .. I had no interest in her forking over the $ to do so .. just didn't care to do it ..arm twisting still at issue on that, but still .. I persisted . no . not going.
Her arm twisting her son .. who was . incidentally in town for DD's wedding . which I guess .. knowing him . if he could've gotten out of having to come to that, would've done so .. but here he was . in town to attend DD's wedding. Now being arm twisted buy the mother, to attend what would later be the CA resort wedding .. and him refusing same.
So .. also .. he is a messy person . he is also someone you wouldn't find in a suit and tie .. just not him.
Make himself useful. The deck .. in need of repairs .. him suited to do so .. that's what he set about doing with his time . while his father .. for the most part, .. lay wasting away in a hospital bed . and pretty much the writing on the wall, this will be his demise.
So be it.
But . he is also messy ..
Him working to replace slats of wood, etc .. saw horses up in the b'yard .. skillsaw at use . and so there'd be a mess out in the b'yard where he was working, cords outstretched across the b'yard .. slats of wood laying here and there .. and worse .. him tracking in saw dust .. each and every time he'd come in and out of the house. SIL would remark about this .. and have some things to say about it all along the way. Maybe her tired/weary herself, . .in the process of sitting bedside with her dad who is obviously dying .. and the MIL . same. But nonetheless .. that's one thing that was a particular irritant during this time frame.
Another thing that comes to mind, in that time frame going forward .. once the dad passed .. now it was a matter that the pastor would be coming by .. to meet with the family .. and gather important info, etc. And so .. the silly brother who can never be serious .. happened into the den .. likely not even really aware of who this man is that's sitting there talking to the mom and sister .. and once introduced .. he shook his hand dutifully, now knew who he was .. and then .. said to the pastor .. (being silly .. as he always is) .. "can I get you something to drink, .. a bourbon and coke .. rum and coke" .. he was being stupid/silly . his manor or being .. that's who he is ... I don't think he meant any harm .. truly I don't.
But that was perceived by the mom as in really .. extremely stupidly poor taste . and she had something to say to him later about it. I don't know that he balked back at anything she had to say really . but nonetheless.
Then later .. once the memorial service was over with .. some of the folks that had come to this service, .. were neighbors .. they all grew up in a terrific neighborhood .. loads of kids .. in this neighborhood .. all the same age .. parents all the same age (MIL doesn't live in this area any longer, sold that home in the 70's and moved to where she now lives). But anyway .. so .. you had some of the folks they all knew as kids, also in attendance at this memorial service. Now grown, just like him . kids of their own .. almost grown . or grown.
But he comes bounding into the room .. now that the memorial svc has ended .. and said something about .. I don't know (maybe these are teens they all did drugs together back in the day) .. I don't know .. something off color to the tune of .. "hey anybody got any good weed, qualudes ..??". Him being off color and silly .. it's who he is.
That too, .. thought of by the mother and the sister .. extremely idiotic and poor taste and mentioned to him.
Maybe there's also in this .. a whole history .. of their years growing up that he was treated with disdain or otherwise .. I really don't know .. I wasn't there .. I really don't know how they got to the point they all did .. and him so .. I don't know .. they are all vanilla and he is .. just wild. I don't know .. wasn't there.
But anyway .. that explains about the sum of what went on in that time frame .. and next thing ya know . he is up and gone in the middle of the night, no explanation .. nothing .. just gone.
SIL reaches out to him . and color her absolutely shocked and taken back when he blasted her and her mom into the next hemisphere .. now that he was gone.
He said things like, .. "I'm not gonna be her whipping boy .. her whipping boy died .." .. he said things like, "you and mom both killed him you smothered him" (I guess their hovering .. in his perception .. was his demise .. I don't know) . and then said some other off color things that were really really outlandish .. calling the mother
I can't imagine what in their world ...growing up in their household, ... taught them .. or didn't teach them, more to the point .. that *communication* when there are problems ... is a "go to" to try to solve said problem.
I grew up in a pretty damn dysfunctional situation myself .. but somewhere along the line ... by osmosis .. I don't know .. I seemed to have learned .. communication is key.
Not that it's either here nor there at this point .. water under the bridge ...
But let's go back several years ago .. when brother exited the scene (the 1st time) having had a falling out .. (origin really not understood .. and no real communication on it) .. a falling out w/the mom. He just got up, middle of the night, . .left .. no note, . .nothing .. no one knew he was leaving, no one knew was upset about anything .. just gone.
I guess when SIL reached out to him (she was also there, this was at their father's passing, .. after the memorial svc held). She got an ear load from him, . unleashed .. that even a sailor would blush at hearing. She was, to hear her tell it back then .. absolutely taken back. No one even knew he'd had a problem with anything that went on.
I think all this bears mentioning, to establish .. these people DO NOT COMMUNICATE .. this goes back to 2003 .. when the dad died.
What were the grievances ...???..... nothing that I thought, at the time, warranted that extreme a reaction .. thought him to be unhinged to have reacted in the manner he did (not sure I'm wrong .. even still).
I dunno .. but the dad lay dying in the hospital .. and eventually brought home .. as it was said .. by the mom .. they'd bring him home and restore his life .. (I cold see the writing on the wall, but didn't say as much, not my place). They were going to bring him home, puree his foods (failed swallow tests) .. and put him in a recliner in the den, bring him to his beloved home .. surrounded by family he adores .. and all would be righted. Wasn't to be .. in short order, probably less than week, hospice summoned. As the hospital had recommended, in fact.
What went on .. in all this that brought the brother to this extreme reaction . having left the night after the memorial service?
The brother . Peter Pan Syndrome .. I don't know . he's the silliest .. funniest human I've ever known, . should've been a stand up comedian for a vocation .. he's worthy of the title. He is absolutely hilarious.
But he also has as propensity to not be able to be serious .. I don't know that he's capable of being serious .. in truth.
There had been bedside vigils while the dad hospitalized ..
MIL and SIL clocking in on that .. 24 hours around the clock, my pulling up the rear . in stand in .. at times that both couldn't be there, and/or DH doing so. Brother called to that front .. one time .. one time only .. and it didn't go well, .. he was too silly it was thought .. as observed by MIL/SIL .. brother had said as much, not his gig . not good at it, didn't wanna be part of it .. and it was .. at least .. leaned upon him, that one time .. that he go sit vigil . take a turn. Didn't go well, him clowning with med staff, etc (the guy can't be serious to save his soul .. he just can't .. or last I knew of him).
So he was relieved of that duty .. and instead stayed home to repair that deck . that deck that has to always been blown off, .. has to be pressure washed, .. the deck that has been mentioned so many times in all this.
I guess he made himself useful . repairs on the deck .. slats of wood rotted .. being replaced, etc.
I guess .. one might say .. a means in which he could, or so he thought,
I don't. No need. The situation has stewed itself into quite a hot enough mess without anyone's intention having anything to do with it.
I expect DH has told SIL that Dorker is angry, possibly angry "with her." That's as much as he understands. Mostly he is just confused. If SIL relies on his interpretation of Dorker's emotions, you have to wonder if SIL has actually met him.
You remember that lovely snippet in the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time? about dogs having only four facial expressions: happy, sad, cross, and concentrating. I'm not sure DH would score a heck of a lot higher on emotional intelligence. This would also explain why he tells Dorker that SIL is angry "with her." SIL is upset, alarmed, anxious, stressed, baffled and worried about what has happened to Dorker and what she, SIL, has done to cause it. Or, as DH would put it, "angry."
SIL knows that Dorker is angry with her. I think it very unlikely that she understands why, because I am not convinced that Dorker fully understands why; as in, what about, and to what extent, and to what extent the anger is rational and to what extent unfounded, and whether all that she directs at SIL properly belongs with SIL or would be better redesigned as anxiety about what might happen next and what she Dorker will do when it does.
SIL has been credited with remarkable skills in mind-reading, leadership and low cunning. It has got rather out of hand.
Consider the possibility that neither SIL nor DH has any confidence that they know what to do next. And no, they are not expecting Dorker to step in and lead the way. Dorker's attempts to do anything like it have been firmly rejected for some years now.
And Dorker I will say this. I don't believe either DH or SIL expects you to resume your position as family dogsbody, or believes that if you "really" love someone that's what you ought to do - especially not as neither of them would do it themselves. I think *you* think that, and you bitterly, and quite rightly, resent it.
I think it comes from the suppressed hurt you've experienced over the last five to ten years of having your reports and anxieties (apparently) disregarded.
Of the many tens of thousands of words you've shared with us, how many have you ever actually communicated to SIL?
As an exercise, I would like you to write a letter addressed directly, one to one, to SIL. Not for us, for her. You can say anything you like, but it has to be as though she were reading it.
Is he telling SIL that Dorker is angry with her? And telling Dorker that SIL is angry with HER?
Stirring the pot so that there is no possibility of a conversation between the two so that no plan to get MIL to and AL in FL is ever a possibility?
It's a shame that you are on anxiety medication all because of this situation. I felt like I might be heading there a few weeks ago myself. But now my mother's doctors at the rehab are controlling her outbursts with more meds (Seroquel was just added, and Zoloft was added last month while she was still in the hospital).
It would be interesting to note just where the assisted living facilities are that are being "looked into" by SIL. I don't quite understand how she could be moved to the front of the line of any waiting lists for Medicaid in ALs, either in IL or FL. Or is she on a list somewhere already? Since H doesn't talk to SIL much, I guess he has no idea?
I really really don't think SIL will fly MIL to FL and then leave her alone in her home again, do you? SIL's had quite a stint (almost four months) of day-to-day caregiving of MIL. I'm sure she's getting sick of it. And I'm still wondering how the basement rehab is going or went?
I actually prefer texting over the phone. As long as the points being made are clear to all involved. I have been .. on the other end of texts that were perceived as angry and/or misunderstood. So it does happen. Particularly if there is a contentious situation. Thus, . the whole reason one can pick up a phone and use that too. For that matter, there is the written word .. one can always email .. and/or send a nice card .. etc.
Your friend that lambasted you and said harsh things .. and supposedly now has some regrets. He may at some point . make motion to correct some of that, let's hope.
Same thing can be said of this situation. I am pretty convinced that SIL can't deal with what she hears from me, thus hides behind texting .. and I've now ceased that ability. And it will remain so .. until she "gets it" that any/all dialogue on the mom . needs to be between she and her brother. Period.
I just think .. how dare her get angry with me. Really! How dare her. I mean .. by the good and kind hearted nature that I have .. she was the beneficiary of being able to work her remaining years . before she retired .. and able to do so with the knowledge there was someone on the front with her mom . for a number of years . on this end .. seeing to things . when she couldn't be here. That is the truth. And so .. not that anyone ever asked, "Gee, Dorker . what are you willing to keep doing?".... she now finds that she is *angry* with me .. because I've stepped off ..
It was never mine to own to begin with .. you folks were just the beneficiary of my kindness .. and took it for granted .. for far too long .. and thought it would always be that way.
I've tried to get her to understand . talk to me/hear me . that isn't going to be the case .. and she's hid behind texts .. and not wanted to have any "let's get real here" talk .
So . she can't text me now. She knows where I live .. she knows my address, .. send a letter/card .. she knows my email, send an email . she knows my home phone # and my cell phone #.
Those who wish to have any clarity .. there are ways to do so.
That's my line and I'm sticking to it. She knows how to reach me. She tried yesterday in what sounds like would've been maybe just a few mins .. as she was traveling to pick up her mom from PT.
I don't sit by the phone waiting and pining for it to ring .. from her or anyone else.
So whatever.
I think it's improbable, myself, but say that SIL does have this sinister ulterior motive of softening you up for a Return of The .. MIL.
Well, if that *is* her motive, she's going to be savagely disappointed, isn't she? She can do all the softening she likes, you're still not going to be available for senior care. So it wouldn't matter.
But as I say, I think that is highly improbable; and I think you would feel better for having a conversation. No, I am not suggesting that you ought to have hurtled to grab the phone and twisted your ankle painfully on the way. Just hoping you two do connect in the next day or so.
I tried to call her back, but only got voice mail.
I remain pretty convinced, the only reason she is reaching out to try to talk to me is that there is the return destination upcoming .. back here to FL. I'm sure somewhere in her, .. though DH says she says otherwise .. is the hope she can enlist Dorker back onto the front .. all things MIL . and return to IL and her life.
I'm pretty convinced that's her reason for finally surfacing .. but maybe I'm wrong.
Pointless .. will be glad to talk to her, .. if/when it ever happens and impart to her the same things imparted to DH on the topic .. and leave it at that.
If she chooses to leave her mom .. that's their decision to make .. not mine. I still won't be stepping to the need. I'm out.
I agree with Guestshop .. ironic that there can be anyone in this that is incensed and angry with me .. that I have now stepped off the crazy train of this whole thing.
But anger there is .. supposedly. So be it.
On point 1 that Guestshop made, . OD in our world, and her mental illness, . she really . as far as my life and my daily existence .. isn't much of a pull on me . at all. She is an adult .. lives her own life .. and for the most part, . her mental illness .. which derails her at times . and finds her fighting horrible depression .. leaves her kinda on the periphery of our lives. Her situation is not one that I find myself having to step to the beat of her needs. Did at one time, .. mightily so .. but that train left the station a long long time ago.
She is a worry . and probably .. part of the reason .. one can only take so much strife and angst thru their life .. and I've had my share of it . with her situation . years back . and maybe part of the reason . that I now find myself unable to cope so well . and on anxiety meds . though presently .. what prompts that is not at all OD . and her setting .. not one bit. It's the MIL/SIL/DH .. saga .. 100%
But only to clarify . as to what draws my time and energy/attention . it's not really OD .. she does her own thing . and is absent in large measure .. from our lives, her choice.
And on the point of them being trained narc's themselves to satisfy MIL's whims all their lives.
Says it all, when you ponder that SIL wouldn't even have enough insight . that she'd lay out there, the anger felt between she and MIL . at Dorker's driving the initiative to get MIL out of FL during hurricane season . and there wasn't even a hurricane in the end. Says it all right there . if she'd never done a thing wrong in all of this, but that alone .. that says enough.
That SIL is behind some insulating wall that she is unable to look outside that wall at the impact all this has on "others" .. who have to prop it up . and to even put that out there as any kind of grievance. That it angers both of them, that Dorker drove that bus . that she has to be out of FL for hurricane season .. "mom doesn't want to be here, she's hated every minute of this .. it's been horrible for her .. she wanted to be at home . in her house, her and her little dog".
Says it all.
It's all about what mom wants. Always.