I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Or, MIL moves into a facility in IL where SIL, grand vizier to doggie, can take dog to visit MIL regularly and without inconvenience.
Moving MIL back to FL, where before long she will be forced into a NH through illness or injury willy-nilly, works for nobody. Not even for MIL.
But .. even in talking with SIL the other day .. I found it absolutely confounding .. listening to her .. as she lamented any path forward .. granted .. any path forward . listening to her .. is one of .. "We'll do this as long as we can . back and forth to IL and FL .. til we can't do it anymore" . so there is no path .. or rather that's the one she chooses ..
BUT .. add into that dialogue . that also of consideration as she looks at all this . listening to her ..
Is, the dog. Very much .. in her .. a consideration. Very very much.
Listening to her talk .. and then as the conversation progresses along . and AL gets mention .. of any eventuality .. not at all imminently on any radar ..
Listening to her .. the dog gets consideration in all of this in her mind. Very much so.
SUCH DIFFERENT APPROACHES .. such difference! Color me heartless I guess.
Here's about what you'd of heard had you been in the room and her on speaker phone:
SIL: "and besides all that .. as to any AL setting in the future, . there's her dog .. that dog . they are so connected she and him .. him to her and her to him .. he's so important to her .. I wish she'd stay in IL .. I can keep the dog and take him to visit her . but in FL .. .and that's where she wants to be .. she's gonna loose her dog .. we'll have him .. so I don't know that she'll ever be able to visit her dog again .. really .. and so .. it's all so hard for her, . just even contemplating and coming to terms with this transition in her life . it's all .. I mean we know about her .. it's been so hard for her to accept this reality that she is aging and frail and no longer independent .. she's working on it .. it's a work in progress .. she says things that she thinks she can do this .. just her and her little doggie need to go home to her house and she'll manage . she'll be fine .. but we remind her no that's not good .. and then other times she does admit she can't do this alone she needs help . and so . it's a work in progress getting her to come to terms with all this .. and it saddens her .. and for her to loose her dog .. I mean that dog is more important to her than her own life I think sometimes .. and so .. that .. ya know . any setting she goes to .. she's gonna loose her dog .. she can't take care of him anymore .. she really can't .. she can't wash him . take him out .. she can't get him to the vet .. she really can't take care of him anymore . so . we'll just . we'll just do this . til we can't do it anymore".
Listening to her .. the dog gets more consideration in all this .. than I would give it.
I didn't remind SIL would be pointless.
When MIL was my age .. or thereabout .. having raised her family and now experiencing the emancipation of a child free . offspring free home .. and her now living the life of a dog that had been brought to bear in their household from one of the offspring who returned from college .. dog in tow .. then exited again .. left dog there .. the dog was taken for euthanizing ..
MIL (and I get it . believe me I do .. living in the station I am at this point) ... the dog .. to her .. at that station in her life .. an encumbrance she didn't want . dog euthanized at her order.
I guess I could do the same to YD's dog that she brought to bear to this household upon her re-entry here. But I haven't .. it's not me .. I don't think I could do that ...
UNLESS ... I maybe could if YD left here . for other parts . and now the assumption that I'd take on the dog and it's responsibility . I actually might could do that .. I so don't want a pet . as to any responsibility at this station in my life.
Different approaches .. SIL .. very much weighing the dog issue into factors as to what goes on .. very very much so.
Me over here .. "nah.. give that dog to me . it's gonna be assisted suicide and in short order".
I can think of .. at one time .. MIL's dog .. some ear ailment .. allergies .. I don't recall .. really. But me on that front .. MIL an dog in tow .. off to the froo froo vet we go.
Exam by the vet .. yep inflammation .. whatever it was that was the origin .. I don't recall .. an rx for antibiotic . and some kinda goop that was coated in his ear .. goopy icky stuff .. and a thick layer of it .. and also sold to MIL to now apply 2x's daily .. as to fixing this ear ailment.
Recommendation that we also buy a lamp shade .. so as to hopefully keep the dog from smearing this goop everywhere .. as well as keeping his paws out of his ears to try to scratch at and get at that goop now placed in his ear in a thick layer ..
MIL didn't want to buy the lamp shade thing for his head .. thinking it (cognitive issues ya think) .. "oh he won't like that . he won't understand .. why he has to wear that".
I paid for it . I told her, "I'm getting it . you don't want him going around on your carpeted floors smearing his head into the carpet and trying to get this goop out of his ears . or on your sofa .. and digging at it with his paws .. I'm getting it .. ".
So I bought it .. they applied it .. this lamp shade. We took him home .. lamp shade on his head ..
Off I go .. to go get said rx .. and bring it back .
When I get back . the dog's lamp shade has been removed. Why?
"Oh he didn't like it . he kept shaking his head . and wanting that off .. and trying to figure out what it is that's stuck to his head .. we'll be alright .. I'm not gonna use that".
Okay .. whatever.
My dog . years prior . had some little nodule thing on his head . that had to be surgically removed . and so lamp shade .. home we go .. the dog wore the lamp shade .. day and night .. til that area had healed . like it or not . he adjusted.
Different approaches .. very different.
Maybe there's a little bit of delight .. (that's not the right term) .. "satisfaction" .. in the knowing .. this will be an issue .. one single lone issue he was asked to attend to in MIL's absence here .. and my exit .. the ole saying " you had one job .. one .. one single job to do .. " watching that it is so forgotten .. so so so forgotten . and not even on any radar at all .. as to anyone attending to it.
So be it .. such is the life of MIL and her needs .. and this is what you have on this end .. to deal with it .. a DH .. who .. yes, as I've said numerous times about him . he can tell you what's legal to hunt and where, and when is opening season . and for what, archery .. or gun .. and so forth ..
But attend to the minutia .. and keep it on his radar to do so .. as to a car tag .. just not there .. so gone from his radar .. the moment it popped up it was gone.
I can be apt to forget things I need to attend to, that I don't care about .. or seemingly so. Most recently I forgot a biggie.
My dad is horribly plagued with some back issues .. some degenerating discs .. he's in pain a good deal of the time . and for the last several months .. has been fighting MRSA in his foot .. an infection that took months and months of various approaches to finally cure .. and so the back issue . had been back burnered by docs .. as it was thought .. with active MRSA a factor . . nothing invasive can be done to address the horribly painful back.
Finally that MRSA cleared and so he was now set to go in .. for some kinda injection process .. something that offered slim hope .. but hope nonetheless.
I had been talking with him . he gave me the dates that was to occur .. I made a mental note .. "Dorker send yourself a reminder to check with him on such and such date .. see if he and stepmom would like you to be there, drive them .. check with him, see if it offered relief".
Gone .. forgotten ..
Not that I don't care .. I do .. it's just .. it's not something that is so up on my radar that I cared enough to follow through and send myself a reminder .. it was .. gone as soon as I mentally noted it .. forgotten .. never even sent myself a reminder at all, forgotten.
The only thing that brought it back to my radar was being at my mom's for tgiving .. my brother there with his wife also .. a brother that is a bio son of this dad too, as am I .. and him asking have I talked to dad . no I haven't .. and him saying that he'd talked to him and that procedure scheduled for his back . has taken place . and that the relief they'd hoped for ... it did help for about 24 hours .. but that the back pain is back .. and so now it looks like . they'll probably be going the route of surgery ..
That .. yep .. brought it back to the forefront with a "DOH!!!!!!!! DAMNIT Dorker you were gonna follow up on that and you missed it by a mile".
If he "cares" about that which is his mom's issues that need his attention . he too can send himself a note . and/or put a post it note on the mirror that he looks in daily to brush his teeth and comb his hair .. whatever he needs to do to keep that on his radar.
Doesn't care. So I won't either.
I do find .. "satisfaction maybe" in the fact that the one thing he was asked to do in her absence, . one lone thing .. one .. it's so gone .. off his radar .. and absent my prompting .. it'll stay gone. I don't prompt him anymore, as regards his mom and her affairs . of any sort. That's my cardinal rule, for me, for my well being.
Before he had the chance, I might take a trip to *my* vet for the doggie assisted suicide option. He's had a good life. MIL could be told a theraputic fib, that it was determined he could not recover (from bring a yappy dog). "Karma" for her since she put one down for convenience herself. I know you'll stop this befire it gets that far! Good thing it's not me. Dorker, you are a picture of grace in this.
As an example, when we did have a dog .. for 14 years .. the absolute love of our lives .. a yellow lab that was our baby .. and we too loved him like the air we breathe.
BUT .. there's a difference in approach even there.
There are vets .. and then there are .. I guess what'd you'd call vet specialists .. I dunno what else to term it.
We always took our dog for healthcare .. to a place .. it's not right around the corner, it's a little farther .. but .. it was .. for all practical purposes .. much like an assembly line ... very busy there . one can't even make an appt . one just shows up and waits .. but the costs there .. a lot cheaper. A lot. They aren't a froo-froo vet outfit that will sell you any number of lotions and potions . as to whatever ails your dog ..
A good for instance . .. our dog .. as with a lot of labs . and particularly in hot humid climates .. he was forever having skin itchy issues . forever .. and scratching and so forth .. particularly his hind end .. it just is .. with labs .. I guess.
The doc where we went . his offer as follows:
"Well what we can do . it's gonna be costly .. we can send you to "x" shop and there they can do a culture and allergy test . and we can try to determine and dial down on .. what it is your dog is maybe allergic to .. to try to eliminate that if possible... but a lot of times .. you might even find the dog is allergic to grass .. I mean what are ya gonna do then .. the dog has to go outside .. and there's grass outside ..it's up to you .. it's costly to do that .. and that's what we'll do if you want .
OR ....
We can do steroid injections to knock back that inflammation . when it flares .. be aware those can shorten the dog's life . they can cause joint issues .. but that's an approach also .. and it's less costly.
We opted for the latter. We had the dog 14 years .. so if it lessened his life .. it wasn't by much. Yes, in the dog's later years .. joint problems became an issue, but they would've likely anyway . usually do in big dogs.
MIL's vet .. where one can be sold any number of lotions/potions .. special diet accommodations (vegetarian dog food and treats) .. MIL trying to zero in on . why does this dog get this one hot spot .. that gets inflamed and itchy and so forth. Somehow it gets determined in that setting .. that the dog has meat allergies . and so vegetarian diet prescribed .. ahh .. the vet now making a killing at least off this one little old lady and her precious pooch . and the dietary restrictions she's now allowing .. and the special shampoo the dog needs .. and to be washed with routinely ... (btw, we were advised with our dog and his issues, don't use shampoo .. use human conditioner to wash him .. soaps/detergents are too harsh for a dog with skin conditions/ailments .. so just use what you use in the shower for conditioner in your hair) ..so anyway .. special shampoo also purchased at the vet office .. rx for antibiotic to knock back infection from said inflammation her dog suffers from .. so forth.
In my view .. her vet's office has in MIL .. and likely many others .. a cash cow ..
In my view .. our vets office, .. a no nonsense approach to whatever issue.
We aren't the type of people that coddle and make exception .. and treat with such .. oh I don't know .. such froo froo tactics .. as to much of any situation .. not our kids .. not anything .. we are more "practical" I would term it.
So would MIL even want us to have her dog . knowing that the approach going forward .. would likely be not the froo froo manner in which this dog has spent his life being coddled and catered to.
I kinda doubt it.
DH feels the same. I guess it's been predetermined somewhere along the way thru the years .. if needed .. should MIL pass . or whatever the issue might be .. SIL would be the proud new owner of an aging dog. Thus .. that works for me.
Not to say that if AL .. should ever come to pass and in FL .. that won't be pressed hard . "but she's giving up so so much .. she's having to go into a home .. and .. can't you please just agree to take her dog .. at least you can take the dog to visit her .. if the dog goes to IL ... good chance she'll never see the dog again .. ".
I can foresee that coming.
I agree .. why even bother with coming to FL at all. She's not doing so, so that loose ends can be attended to . and an AL setting be procured. Not at all. Yes, they intend to visit a few . and with MOW in tow ...
But even SIL said, "I guess . what we'll do .. we'll come and go to IL . back and forth . til we can't do it anymore".
THIS .. is solely at the feet of MIL . who . read me loud and clear here .. DOES NOT .. and DID NOT . and DOESN'T EVER WANT TO BE ANYWHERE BUT HER HOME! She is in IL presently . the promise had been . she'd be brought back home by xmas. Well, xmas is gonna come and go, her still in IL . don't know how's or why's of that .. but . by golly .. she is gonna get to come back to her house Jan 8. I agree, . it's stupid . why? If she's gonna be in SIL's care .. SIL's choice of a path forward . then why SIL acquiesces to a return to FL .. I don't know. Only to make sure her mom is "happy . as best that can be achieved anyway".
I do know that with a RM . on a home .. one has to occupy said dwelling continuously .. or the bank takes it .. that's how it works. One cannot vacate said premises longer than any 12 month period . or one then agrees they will allow the bank to take it.
They've been gone since August .. four months .. not nearly 12 months .. so I don't know .. but .. SIL in charge . taking these reigns . no help .. made that clear .. she can come and go every two weeks if she wants to, for all I care. Her gig.
I had to laugh at any notion that I set up a reminder for DH . as to his mom's car tags.
Scoff at that.
I send him enough reminders . of the things that are OUR business to attend to . and just this morning .. him expressing his disdain for yet another reminder that pops up in his direction ..
The current reminders he's been dealt by me:
This past Saturday we were to all, g'parents . and so forth .. .to go for the Santa visit . at the mall, 3 PM (reminders sent to him, so he wouldn't plan a trip to the woods to hunt and be available for same)
Sunday, Luncheon here .. with my dad and his wife .. so he wouldn't book himself for church somehow . and/or hunting . be here lunch time .. reminder sent
Ongoing reminder .. "your eye glass prescription lenses warranty expires later this month .. get to the eyeglass place and order another set of lenses . before the warranty expires"
Monday, 1/10 . doc appt DH, 8 AM
Tuesday .. school xmas program for g'daughter at her school, Tuesday night
Saturday, ... Elder's dinner
These are most of the current reminders that I've set up for him . and in repeated fashion .. so that he doesn't forget that which he needs to attend to .. that which is OUR business that needs attention .. and/or his presence.
And I'm gonna send out reminders to him as to his mom's issues .. screw a bunch of that. Not mine to keep on the radar as to his dealing with it.
Dorker, you will need nerves of steel to shut off your “pre-dread” and carry on as if this horsesh*t is not on the horizon.
Sending you good vibes. 🎄
So if MIL goes into AL in FL, Poochy will return to IL with SIL? I'd say that means MIL is never going into any AL in FL, unless you and H are bullied into taking Poochy into your home. And MIL will probably be constantly demanding that she get to see Poochy if you acquiesce.
He has a nerve, frankly, to criticise his sister. You have every right to do so constructively, because you know what you are talking about; but those who would not even dream of making the attempt have none.
I will be charitable and interpret this as his venting his anxiety and frustration around his mother's wellbeing.
Do you have access to DH's cellphone? Can you put a reminder alert about the car tag deadline on it?
Myself, I think it's an academic exercise. If MIL can't come "home alone" there is zero point to her returning to FL at all.
SW
Going to be an interesting dilemma to stand back and watch from afar for sure.
Lucky for me .. I won't even be in that fray .. I am working that week .. and so .. calling upon me to haul her hither and yon . not gonna be an option.
She's gonna arrive there at MIL's .. having been picked up at the airport .. she and B . and the dog and MIL .. to the car that she uses when in FL .. MIL's car .. expired tags.
Oh my .. my my .. my my .. wringing of the hands . oh my .. panic ensues! How will I ever drive to the DMV with tags that are expired .. what if I get pulled over .. where's the paperwork I sent to DH .. DAMNIT ................. now what? OMG ..
It's going to be interesting to watch . .and it feels almost sinister on my part . that I'm "aware" . this is to be an issue upcoming . and I "could" (but I'm not gonna) take care of that in short order, before they even get here . and have it dispensed with.
Yes, I know about this dilemma .. and yes I know it hasn't been answered to . and yes I'm aware the paperwork lays right where he left it .. when it arrived here . with the request he go handle it .. yes and yes and yes ..
But .. as we arrive there .. and that's discovered .. me standing there with a blank look, . my responses, . ."Car tags? Huh? I dunno . first I've heard of it .. paperwork ..?? .. what paperwork .. no .. I haven't heard anything about that .. get ahold of DH I guess if you told him to handle it .. I dunno".
Blank look on my face, ''Bye ya'll . ", out the door I go.
Hahaha. It's worth it to me, to have a front row seat to this train wreck .. in picking them up at the airport . just to get to see that unfold.
Mean? Yep .. it is .. but .. maybe the only revenge I ever get to exact in all this . one little tiny oops of revenge.
Yep . gonna watch this .. it'll be comical . especially since I know all about what is being said . but gonna play stupid and evasive.
Can't wait.
((rental car agencies will pick you up .. I'll throw that one out there for good measure if needed))
Phrase it as a statement. Not as a question. Not as a “would you mind...” or “could you consider...”
In return: Do not entertain any whining from SIL. Do not cave in to any of SIL’s pleas for Trusty Dorker to fill the gaps.
Stick to your statement.
No matter how badly SIL will try to twist this into a mini-tornado, it’s bloody simple: SIL asked her brother to do one simple errand months ago, and he dropped the ball.
Nothing new there.
What’s new is that Dorker is not the patch. SIL & MIL might as well start living that lesson the minute the plane lands.
If SIL doesn’t cotton to paying for a rental for her entire extended stay, that’s fine. After the jet lag wears off, SIL will have plenty of time to make Big Momma’s car street-legal herself.
When DH gallantly comes over to charge the battery, he can follow SIL to the airport to return the rental — and drive SIL back to MIL’s house.
Wooo-wee. DH will have done 2 things for his mom/sis in one day AND he & sis will have some quality time together in the car. Sounds like a win-win-win. 👍🏼
And what happens to the poochy .. poochy will be adopted by SIL ..
But I don't foresee any of this transpiring in poochy's lifetime . much less MIL's ..
SIL will work herself until she falls ..
Very interesting being on the other side of some of this now ..
In talking with DH .. and it's so evident . once this has all passed now . his sentiments much like mine . on the whole topic. Once he now talks/listens/hears .. etc.
I guess . he no longer has someone to "project" all this on to .. we are all in agreement . I am out of it .. thus .. who ya gonna be mad at now?
Lots of dialogue between he and I, and any/all questions he had . and problems he foresees .. redirecting it to he and his sister. Him answering that (the turth, at least in part) .. "I dont' know what SIL is thinking . MIL needs to be convinced that she's gonna need AL . ultimately .. eventually (I think now .. but doesn't matter what I think) .. and in IL . not in FL .. I can't be there hauling her around al the time .. I have to work (that is true).
He asked me what we talked about . myself and his sister .. when I told him she burned up the first few mins of the phone call telling me the goings on, on their end .. One of which is a complete blood/lab workup .. looking for any vitamin/mineral deficiencies .. his response to that, is carbon copy what I felt, but didn't say .. to either of them.
His words: "WHY does SIL drag her around for all this chit .. she's almost 90 damn years old . she's not gonna be some spring damn chicken .. she's almost 90 . she doesn't need all that chit, why does SIL do that .. see I tell ya .. she gets in an AL here eventually and I'm being called upon to do all that horse crap .. there's gonna be a damn problem".
Yep . preaching to the choir .. a large measure of why I'm outta this DH .. I'm not gonna be subject to your sister's whimsical thinking .. done with it.
Much dialogue on it all . and in the end, his sentiments . much the same as mine . but now .. it's not me being pushed to the forefront to answer the bell . .. and in fact, .. anything that happens or doesn't now .. at this point . it'll be between he and his sister as to how it happens or doesn't .. and I suspect .. that lack of communication will continue .. but my job . going forward is going to be just to sympathize from a removed standpoint . and encourage he get with his sister and "figure that out, sounds tough". Removed.
I don't expect there will be much in the way of any dialogue and cohesion of working together ..
It will be SIL carrying the torch . alone . her choice.
She doesn't have to make that choice .. she can get with her brother . and both of them . figure a way to work towards AL ..
But she has choices ..
He didn't like it one bit that his sister made the remark to me: "Working with DH ..?!?!? He's no help .. no . he's absolutely no help .. it's all up to me and B".
DH didn't like that one bit ..
As he put it, . "She's up there . I'm here .. and I work .. I can't do what she's doing".
My response: "That's between you two ..".
Interesting being on this side of what has been such a horribly contentious situation for so so long. I know . it ain't over til the fat lady sings . as they say .. but I'm braced .. believe that!
I don't know how people do this with no boundaries .. it must drive them completely over the edge of insanity.
Things will hum along until SIL has to get MIL on that plane to return to IL in May.
I wonder if SIL will ever look at any ALs in FL during those four months in FL? What if there is a waiting list?
What happens to Poochy if she goes to an AL in FL?
The saga continues!
This rests solely at the feet of her mom does not want to be in IL . never wanted to go there to begin with . has endured this .. as best she can . and wants to go home. She wanted to go home before she even got there . and that hasn't changed.
So it is . in the end . to placate MIL.
Not at all about the business of tying up loose ends here . in prep for any permanent placement, not even a little bit.
She did say that she intends to get out and about and MIL with her, as part of looking at and being a part of . going to some AL sites to view them, talk to the folks there, etc . so that is something she intends to do once here . MIL in tow.
No I have no intention of being in on that . nope. Not gonna be on that slippery slope either of me seeing what I think is suitable . and appropriate and her finding fault with every nook and cranny . and then . the frustration of .. "SHE WILL NEVER AGREE TO ANY PLACE . none of it is gonna be good enough to suit her!".
Let SIl fight that battle with her mom . not me.
She isn't going to get MIL back on that plane or out of her house anytime soon, once MIL gets back home. Good luck to her with all that. It is a relief, Dorker, that you don't have to be worried about stepping into all of it anymore.
All you have to tell MIL is that you are busier now, spending more time with the grandkids, and feel it best from here on out to let DH and SIL take charge of all the caregiving stuff so you can just be her friend and DIL.
<sigh> yeah, I feel that is a distinct possibility too. Like, why in the world are they coming back at all? Can't believe it is really to visit your family. Is it simply to placate MIL? Maybe to enjoy the warmer weather? I mean, what exactly is the idea behind this trip? It's not to wrap up the business of disposing of the house or property or stuff, right? Or to tie up loose ends maybe? It just makes me suspicious that they are driven to disrupt their lives for such a long time for exactly what reason?
She emailed me back a bit later and has a plane flight for all of them booked for Jan 8.
So it sounds like they will be back in this vicinity within weeks.
Her words: "So we'll be back on Jan 8 . Looking forward to it . and seeing all of you . and hopefully we can all get out to that great seafood place sometime soon".
That was that.
I don't mind going to pick them up at the airport . as long as it works around my schedule and on that point . there's never been any contention . she's been good about working around that, always.
I haven't asked her .. "what do you plan to tell your mom, if anything . about what my plans are . as to exiting all this?".
I have a sense . she hasn't said it . but just a sense . that she is leaving that out . as best she can. Her mom already feels a keen sense that she is a burden and should just go on and check out of this life . and so for her to tell her that Dorker can't do it anymore, would solidify that notion in her mom.
I haven't thought about, given much thought to it . .as to what my explanation will be . if it comes up . needs to be short/sweet and to the point . . if discussing it with MIL . but also something that doesn't impart to her . "you're a damn nightmare to deal with and I can't do it anymore . yes you should go on and die . now get with it .. get to dying".
Nothing of that flavor of course ..
But something .. I really am at a loss as to what to say to her . as to my exit ..
I really really will not be on the scene .. not nearly as much as she's been accustom to. Not anything resembling what it used to be.
A) Nurse her along to well enough she could leave her alone again (and that may yet be seen .. we don't know)
or
B) If all else fails .. AL and in FL .. and Dorker to step to it all, SIL return to her life.
And you're so right. Odd, how things all play out. Had they placed her somehow .. back when I began rattling the cage loudly... I'd of likely been in an even more step n'fetchit role .. as SIL would've departed . handyman chores now absent.
Strange how things line up.
Personally I think the "magical" unicorns are at it again . in that hamster wheel and at full tilt. So be it .. as long as it's not me that's having to fire up unicorns and hamster wheels.
SIL imparting that she'd had some kinda full blood lab work up for her mom . looking for mineral vitamin deficiencies . and there weren't any. And that amazingly enough .. she didn't test positive for Sjogrens . .which has always been the case for her . or so it's been said ... from years back . when a Rhuematologist . dx'd same.
She also talking about the edema no longer an issue there . has only taken Lasix a total of 3 x's since she's been there.
I countered that with "as I've told you before her life looks a lot different when there is 24/7 care . and you are doing everything but breathe for her".
SIL's answer to that: "You know they told me that it's the humidity . the humidity in FL . it's not humid here . it's cold here . they told me that .. I could've been knocked over by a feather .. it had never occurred to me that humidity could somehow be a factor .. that wasn't anything I'd of ever thought of".
Me: "Hmm . .. interesting . yea FL is humid . but it gets cold here too and the humidity lessens . and in the winter . she still suffers from edema .. ".
SIL: "I know .. but it does seem like it's less here . a lot less . maybe they're right .. you would think that alone might give her cause to consider staying in IL".
On the topic of not complying with meds .. we both agree that as a huge issue . she says that her mom does remember at times . and without prompt does it . but not all the time. But then she says this: "But she remembers that Melatonin at night .. that one she doesn't forget .. ever!".
Me: "Yea that's a no brainer .. that one you get immediate fall out if you don't take it . you lay there awake and wonder why in the name of GOD you can't sleep .. "
SIL: Yea but she had that TIA here .. as a direct result of not taking her Eliquis . you'd think by GOD she'd remember that . not wanting to have another TIA .. but she doesn't .. it's just not even on her radar . it's not like she has a problem with it . .. doesn't wanna take it because it causes a problem . it's just not even on her radar to do it .. it's just not there".
Me: "Yep . I know".
I think the unicorns are flying aplenty and the hamster wheel is at full tilt. Good, have at it.
I swear I could have a party I am so relieved to be out of this.
I do find sadness that it has to be this way . it doesn't have to be . mature/rational/logical adults . .work together .. to do these things .. but . that's anything but what's transpired in all this. And so this is necessary . .my exit . and I'm so glad I could have a party about it .. I just can't tell you what a relief it is. A guarded relief . in that .. I know I have to gird myself for what's next to come in the way of underhanded arm twisting and persuasion . and it's coming.
She emailed me tonight .. "I forgot to ask you when we talked, trying to book a flight for us to return to FL . and wanting to know what days are better for you .. if you'd be able to come get us . or should we plan on doing it on a wknd so that DH can get us".
I answered her with my upcoming work schedule . and asked that she work around that and fact I do church suppers on Wednesdays . and so that day also is not good.
And of course, it will be extremely hard, I suspect, to get MIL back to IL after coming home to her house in Fl.
In my view, the "give in" to Dorker and AL in Fl bird has long ago flown, as has the living alone option. It may have been the correct course at one time, but not at this point. Probably the reality is hitting SIL like a ton of bricks at this point, as she mulls over the phone talk.
Dorker, it may be a blessing in disguise that MIL was not placed in an AL home earlier in Fl, or you would probably still be in the steppin fetchit role, just with MIL in a different location. DH would be doing less, though, with no handyman repairs called for. SIL would still be calling you about all MIL's gripes and needs, and there will be many (if not more) when she is in AL.
Hard to believe that SIL can tolerate leaving her home from Jan-May. That's almost half the year... But if that's what she chooses, guess it's up to her. But it's worrisome that there still may remain a little "magical thinking" in SIL that still hopes that by May, MIL will be vibrantly restored and independent enough to leave there, alone.
As I've said about her, .. I really don't hold her to much accountability. I truly don't think her brain works right anymore.
It would be interesting to see what her thoughts are as to how much others have to sacrifice?
I can tell you the answer to that?
Her answer: "I don't want any of you to sacrifice a thing .. I want you all to go live your lives and leave me be, me and my dog .. we will manage".
Until:
The edema
The chitapalooza
The dog needs something
The brain isn't working and she summons someone to come
Any other ailment of the moment
"Leave me be, me and my little doggie will manage fine".
Until the above . and more . and then .. she circuitously .. at least ..routed via SIL generally .. summons others to the front to address any of the above and more.
That's how it used to be ..
I could've just talked to her (and I'm dead serious . this is how it went). I might've just talked to her and maybe she tells me .. "ya know I am back to having *chitapalooza* again .. I just can't imagine what in the world throws me and my system so out of whack".
Me: "Oh no .. well MIL . .do you have your Depends .. are you really really pushing fluids . you don't want to dehydrate . now don't go eating anything other than like dry toast and jello .. really . .seriously don't .. okay?
MIL: "Oh I know .. I know .. I will . I will be fine .. .now don't tell SIL .. just . you know how she is . she gets crazy . she will be after me, .. she'll have the National Guard knocking on my door before I can get off the phone with her, just don't mention it to her".
Me: "Okay"
Fast forward maybe a few hours .. and the directive flying in from afar .. "Mother has chitapalooza again .. I feel worried .. you know how she is .. she doesn't do the things she needs to do . she already told me .. she has a few pairs of underpants soaking where she's had an accident . I just hope her sheets are okay .. and I wonder if she has Pedialyte to drink . and some jello .. I just wonder could you run out there, or call her . see if she needs anything".
Me: "SIL I talked to her earlier and she told me .. and I encouraged she do _______and______. She told me not to tell you! Then she goes and tells you, WTH?
SIL: I know! I almost wish she wouldn't tell me . it makes me nuts . I'm not there and I don't know if she's taking care of herself . and has the things she needs"
This all would go on .. quite often.
Cognitive impairment.
So SO SO glad I had the good sense to exit the whole thing.
It's enough to make you loose your ever loving mind!
Yes, cognitive impairment .. definitely ..
But .. suggestions made by me . fall on deaf ears. And that's fine .. it's just .. it's grand to be out of the loop as to the fallout of not heeding some of those suggestions. Do as you will . but do it yourself!
I've suggested til I'm sick of saying it .. get her evaluated for cognitive impairment . and there are always a million excuses . but she can sure run out and go get almost anything else that's absolute stupid and asinine.
SIL can.
She can handle it now .. to her heart's content. And I'm glad of it.
I believe this is the second time Dorker, - you’ve referenced this quote.
And, I have no easier time wrapping my brain around it having heard it twice - coming from an 89 year old woman in the situation and in the health that she finds herself.
I mean, sure - coming from a teenage girl being told she and her family are moving to a different state, the middle of her senior year of high school - yeah, okay.
But MIL? Either she is dealing with cognitive impairment or she’s the most self-centered person on the planet. It would be interesting to hear where she actually might think the line in others sacrifices for her wellbeing lies.
Forget about therapy. This woman doesn’t have the years left it would take to unravel this way of thinking!
It was instructive, during this time, that a dear friend was also going through a divorce. She insisted as describing herself as "a homeless person" although she was living in relative comfort with friends in a posh Brooklyn neighborhood. I was bunking with a boyfriend, had my worldly goods and a dog in storage.
It's very much, in my view, in the eyes of the beholder.
You can take pictures of your "stuff". You have your memories. I guess I could be described as heartless. But it's just not about "stuff" .