I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Yes, these people are a bunch of dumb azzes. You have been asking/telling them for YEARS that they needed a plan, but they wouldn't (and don't listen).
There is nothing you can do about stupid, dear. Don't make yourself crazy over it; just not worth it.
The absent brother is the only smart one in the bunch.
Not gonna happen, ever .. when frogs fly .. it's not gonna happen.
The mother wants to be and is firmly dug in . in her own home .. and just ask her, she'll manage.
Respite care, does indeed need to be a consideration . but it will N.E.V.E.R happen.
I am still so livid . this all kept me up til about 3 AM when I guess my tired brain finally caved in and let me sleep a little bit. Maybe I should've popped one of those xanies that I had the doc rx for me .. and gone on to sleep, but I didn't.
I am just so furious . that she would ... I mean .. I have been saying now for years that her mom needs more care. It got ignored . summarily ignored time and again.
I finally get her ear, in a phone conversation a couple of months back .. and that took an act of Congress to get done. And told her in that conversation that I am stepping out of any c'giver role going forward.
And here we are, .. a few months fast forward . and her with an email .. and not only that, .. attempt to guilt me .. that they will need to depart .. to attend to B's sister's funeral ..
Why do that?
If you respect what this person has said to you (she doesn't) . then you don't even go there .. w/that person. You have been told that person is no longer going to step to that role . you've been told that.
"I had hoped, given the situation, that we'd be able to get some help/support from family....".
I want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs, .. "WHAT THE EFF DO YOU THINK THE 15 EFFING YEARS THAT I HELPED WAS ABOUT ??!!?!?!?, what part of I DO NOT SUPPORT THE ARRANGEMENT YOU THINK IS VIABLE ... you think it is. .. so live it/breathe it/do it ... go for it .. I don't agree ... I supported it for a long long time .. and I no longer do . so don't come at me with any guilt tripping and requests to step into it .. I've told you my stance .. believe it .. and quit asking".
This is not my mother .. and her needs . between her own needs and that of her pet .. have become too great .. and there have been many warning bells sounded on that issue thru the last few years .. warning bells you've summarily ignored time and again. Well here we are .. so you have some decisions to make as to how you'll approach this crises on the other end of your family don't ya SIL .. wish ya luck there, but I am no longer an alternative in it . believe it.
I could scream and shout it. If they'd listened to me all the years of rattling the damn cage on all this . they'd of heard me saying .. your brother .. is limited in what he can/will do as to your mom's care. For a long time, as long as it was what I consider more manageable .. I was in his stead acting on his behalf .. so he could run his biz . and yes church and hunt . to his heart's content .. and I said it . over and over and over again . she's growing more needy and frail and needs more help .. I said it . but nobody wanted to hear it/see it/look at it .. ever. Dismissing my concerns . the very person acting in that capacity on the front lines, seeing the need increasing.
So here we are, .. at a juncture that SIL feels she needs to attend to some other issues on her husband's side of the family and no Plan B .. as I tried and tried to get them to sit up and talk to one another, listen to me about.
And then I get the guilt thrown at me on the topic. Kiss my azz! Oh I am still so livid.
Yes indeed .. DH can go and stay with her at night and if that's the approach they take .. more power to them .. but what of her not taking her meds, when he's up and gone in the AM to work .. we saw her do just that when SIL was hospitalized in IL for her own malady . and MIl failure to take her meds and inside of two days . hospitalized herself with stroke symptoms. She doesn't take her meds unless someone is there to dole them out, . she doesn't eat/hydrate properly .. she can't care for her dog anymore.
And so we leave her alone in the day hours. Not a plan!
The opening line of her response. "I see" .. as to my having emailed her and reminded her of our prior conversation that I have stepped away from any c'giver role. "I see" is her response.
No you don't. You'd of heard me the 1st 500 x's I've said it all .. you don't "see".
She is peeved .. and that's apparent. With her further response of "I had hoped to have the help/support of family, given the situation ...".
You have it .. talk to your brother, .. talk to your daughter .. talk to B's siblings that will also surely be in attendance in St. Louis to attend to a funeral . .. talk to your daughter about fed-exing some of your funeral clothes and winter jackets.
No, what she wants is to have stepper and fetcher Dorker right back on the front lines as she exits . yet again . .and likely .. to more calamity that detains her from any return to FL .. and her mom's care. Not gonna happen.
So many things that could/should be said .. but it's all for naught. I don't get heard. Thus, .. I say nothing anymore. Just hold my ground .. and leave it there.
DH's take on all this, once I got his ear: "This isn't good .. we knew it .. we knew it would take only a hiccup of some sort, and she'd be needing to leave .. I figured it'd be B having returned to IL on his own and some malady on his part, that would necessitate her needing to depart .. didn't think of this as what it would be . .this isn't good .. I don't know ... I mean .. I guess if she needs to go to this funeral . whenever it is .. if it is .. I guess .. I mean I can go stay over there at night. Does the dog get up still all hours of the night needing out .. ???.... I mean I can stay over there at night .. but I can't stay there during the day hours .. I have to work .. she's gonna be on her own during the day .. I have to be at work, .. I have people depending on me .. as a business owner .. and their incomes .. I can't do this .. this is why we've said this is all not viable .. I mean .. what .. ???..... I can go stay at night with her, but she's gonna be on her own in the day hours .. and it's not good".
Me: "I don't think that's any viable plan . but do what you think you need to do . in MO .. she needs to call upon her daughter and let's have her get her hands dirty for once in this whole frickin saga . this is HER dad .. and HER aunt .. can she not help facilitate some of this .. she damn sure can travel to all reaches of the globe on the drop of a hat .. any other time .. can she not take a few days and help . maybe meet her dad with funeral clothes she picked up from their home .. and in St. Louis . can she not help with this .. and then that leaves SIL here to do what she needs to do . which is what she said she'd do .. take care of her mom. B has like 6 siblings and surely they all, or a portion of them will be there for this funeral .. can they not go retrieve him .. I know she worries because they're all big drinkers .. and B will too and his compromised health .. knows no limits as to swigging the beers back . unless someone polices that .. and she does .. but she can't put one of the siblings on that patrol .. so that she can look after her mother? .. I don't see it as any possibility that she can go and leave her mom .. this is her choice to have not pursued any setting as to placement for yall's mom . and to take this on .. so by damn, these are the ramifications of those choices".
That was about the summary of any dialogue between DH and myself on the topic. He seemed less than pleased with the alternatives I presented .. thinking those not maybe optimal. Whatever.
And as to those of you who think that anything in the way of Respite care is gonna be a viable alternative to all this. Think again.
The mom and her cognitive impairment will dictate that path, "now I will manage here .. I'll be fine".
The point might at last have come where it is *easier* for SIL and DH to say 'respite care mother because there's just too much sh*t hitting the fan right now.'
SIL has to be in three places at once. DH isn't seriously going to try. They actually have run out of options - as long as you don't blink.
Really.
Given the continuing situation over at least three years, I'd hoped you might recognise the need for structured support from professional services. Your mother's care needs outgrew my capabilities a long time ago. Don't even think about guilt-tripping me on this.
😡Ooooooo. I don't think I've ever had to self-edit out quite so many expletives from a post before.
I don't think a letter to SIL is going to do any good, either, as nice as that letter was that was posted here. SIL's been told; SIL has ignored the warnings.
The question is...will she end up staying with MIL or actually leave MIL to accompany BIL to see his sister?
I am wondering about the possibility of respite, too. Dorker, are you willing to pay half the cost of that if it comes to that? And will you take care of Poochy? If not (and I am not AT ALL suggesting that you should!), will Poochy be boarded? I have a feeling MIL will not put up with any of this, and the stress may cause a chitpalooza event.
If H pulls the Yellow Bedroom trick out of his huntin' hat, then run far and fast.
OMG. That was a bit of a punch to the gut to me, and I'm just reading about it on the internet on the other side of the country. Ouch.
I recommend you practice 'see no evil, hear no evil, etc..' If she calls, only pick up if DH is there and hand the phone to him.
What SIL wants to hear .. is not what she will hear. She wants to hear me say to her, .. "we'll all do what we can to make your mother's later years .. as best they can be and if that means that you need to come when you can and can't come .. then I'll step in and do for her .. and you go on home .. and we'll all make it happen for her".
That is indeed what I did do for a long long time. Her mother's needs are such at this point, that she needs supervised care, . .staffed care. SIL refuses to address/see that.
Instead running on that hamster wheel .. all the time, trying to maintain it all herself.
Look no further than SIL's hospitalization and MIL then ending up in the hospital herself .. this because SIL wasn't there to dole out her meds to her and inside of 2 days she began babbling and experiencing stroke like symptoms with speech issues .. and it turned out to be a mini stroke .. from failure to take her meds.
If she were to tell her mother what's going on . her mother's answer (in her cognitive impairment) would be .. "now you musn't let my situation stop you . you guys go on and I will manage here just fine on my own".
SIL has done that and it doesn't end well. MIL doesn't take her meds, she falls .. she doesn't eat . she doesn't hydrate .. yadda yadda yadda .... all with directives flying in from IL .. (from SIL) as to the latest calamity .. and what I should do to go address it.
Thus, my having exited it all entirely.
The bottom line is she and I, (SIL and Myself) .. disagree on the basis of what the care needs are. I think her mom needs f/t, staffed care .. she agrees with that . but isn't willing to sadden and cause her mom despair in forcing that .. and as such has stated she will care for her mom . herself . as long as she can . and then .. when she can't .. doesn't know when that will be . she'll have to re-evaluate.
Thus why we're where we are. So now .. a mother that long since should've been in a staffed site .. 24/7 care .. and SIL needing/wanting to go attend a funeral on her husband's side of the family out of town . and what to do about mom.
Yes she wanted me to say to her, "Oh dear, what a tragedy .. I understand completely . yes .. certainly you and B need to go get on the next plane to that direction . and I will pick up where you left off with MIL . .no worries".
Not gonna happen.
In fact, I am quite angry .. that she would even try to pour the guilt in my direction on all this. And that's just what she tried to do.
Now . to back up from it myself and not wear that guilt . and not let it all bother me, because presently it does. VERY MUCH.
Her response should speak volumes to all involved about where she is at.
This is not about MIL being sad. This is about a woman dying somewhat tragically, and MIL keeping her flying monkeys on a leash with what will likely be a guilt trip. If SIL didn’t expect a fight from MIL, this would not be nearly so hard on her.
My note to SIL would be...
”Dear SIL, You are cared about more than I can say. I know the last few months have taken a huge toll on you. I know because I know what kind of toll the years of caregiving took on me. Pulling out of that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but it was - and is - necessary.
As you have seen, emergencies happen all the time when caring for someone who is compromised. They never stop. There is always something else. And everything is always important and urgent.
For your and BIL’s sake, I hope you can find a respite care for MIL so you can both be there for B’s sister. It will be good for MIL to have round the clock care. You just can’t do this after losing a loved one. You are not failing or being a bad daughter. You have to be able to see that even if your mother says otherwise.
I am still here for you. I will always be here for you. If you need me to go and buy you some winter clothes and ship them to St. Louis, I will. If you need someone to take you to the airport to go to St. Louis, I will. If you just need the shoulder of someone who understands the strain of elder care, I am here.
However, the cognitive decline your mother has experienced in recent years means she will continue leaning and taking until you have nothing left. I saw it and felt it every day for a long time and it is only because I care so much about her and you and DH that I even lasted as long as I did. It doesn’t mean she is awful... it means she is compromised. And it is BECAUSE I care about you that it is hard to watch someone who is supposed to want what is best for you, who should be bending over backward to make it easy for you to care for her, instead causing you guilt for a situation you have not created.
I wish I could fix it for you, but I can’t. Only you and DH can do that very hard thing.
You didn’t make your mother old. You didn’t cause her decline. You can’t make her sad, and you certainly can’t make her happy. We can not control everything in life. I have found that to be one of the healthiest lessons I have learned. If you have to “prove” what a good person you are to others by doing what they want, then maybe they are the ones who need to be a little more self-analytical.
I pray every day that you find a way to free yourself from guilt. You will know you are getting stronger when you can let her be mad at you, when you can let her act sad, when you can realize that people who don’t want to be a burden - if they are capable of independence - will do everything in their power EVEN IF THEY DON’T LIKE IT to be as small a burden as possible. And they will try to bring joy.
As I said, I know you and DH have a lot to work out. I can no longer prop up MIL. Especially when I see the isolation and safety issues for her and the pain and exhaustion we all have experienced. It is hard to see the collateral damage that comes from a compromised elder who desire to live how she wants to. We all have lumps we have to take in life... hard, but people do it every day.
That said, I will always be here ready and waiting with a cup of hot tea and a soft blanket if you need a soft place to land.
Dorker”
"I see. I'll talk to brother should we need to make plans. We pray B's sister can somehow recover but it sounds pretty dire really. I guess I just hoped we might get some help/support from family members, given the situation, should we need to travel there for a funeral if she doesn't survive. I don't plan to mention any of this to mom. She would be sad. She already feels like such a burden to all of us"
I haven't answered it and likely won't.
The only response I would provide would be a suggestion that "the family" she'd hoped would provide help/support ... it's there .. in his numerous remaining siblings .. call on them... or your daughter... call on her. This is her dad .. her aunt that is dying .. you DO have family to call upon for "help/support .. given the situation".
You just don't want that as an option... opting instead to bale out on the ramifications of your inability to face what's needed here. Not my problem.
And to answer to the accusatory tone of "hoped we'd have help/support of family given the situation"...
You did ... for umpteen years... have "help/support .. while your mom has grown exponentially more weaker and frail and needy. Your failure to address that in any adequate way .. again ..not my problem.
They will all wait, as we know, until the absolute last minute to even think of any way at all to handle it, and yellow bedroom will be the option, I fear. (Either that, or asking DD or someone to stay at MIL's place until they get back.) A logical pre-arranged respite place is likely just not in their repertoire, sadly.
Don't let any of them guilt you into stepping back into the fray. This is sadly the consequences of not planning, sticking their heads in the sand, and being inconsiderate and unappreciative of all of the help that you DID give for years on end. SIL doesn't want to "answer to" anyone or do anything different, so she needs to stay put then and take care of HER mom.
W0e all knew there'd be a "fall" but we figured it would be MIL. Ah well.
IF MIL or SIL had the sense God gave a goat, they would see that a dying sister trumps a narcissistic brat of a mother. So sad.
Perfect chance to have MIL spend an unspecified length of time in an "elder hotel". And then, just don't let her check out. She can't live alone, that has been admitted by all involved. Yep, she's gonna be SO MAD. But the best part of a really mad elder is that you can walk away if need be. Sadly, she no longer can really make her own decisions. Maybe SIL and DH will have to "go legal" on her to get that ever elusive POA.
Things are going to change. This speaks VOLUMES about SIL and her priorities. While it's admirable of her to care SO much for her mother that she has put her own life on hold---she's done so to the detriment of her husband, and to me, that is heartbreaking.
Stuff is going to start happening now, fast. There isn't a ton of time to fuss and bother.
And guaranteed, if SIL leaves FL, you won't see her again for many, many moons. Poor DH, he is about to get a baptism by fire.
1. SIL stays her azz right where her indecision has landed her, .. her mother's c'giver.
2. Send B on to St. Louis, should that need arise ... and let one of his 6 remaining siblings help him along .. they can pick him up at the airport.
3. Call upon M .. and let her help facilitate getting here dad to any funeral that may need to be seen to .. she can help .. oh but she's the prima donna that we don't call upon . .always.
I'm not offering 1 single solitary option . respite care or otherwise. I have said my intentions loud and clear. Failure to have heard my position in all this, . it ain't on me. I've said it plenty.
The sad thing is this. This is an enormous burden that SIL has taken on .. and I do have some recognition for that. Enormous. And now, she may have to contemplate missing out on a trip that she feels she needs to accommodate being with her husband . as his sister is laid to rest.
If these were people that had showed even a modicum of respecting what I have to say . and my limitations in it all . and honoring that .. I might would be more willing to step into the fray and help out.
In the best of all worlds .. a person who has signed on as c'giver to the elderly parent . .should have that latitude, indeed.
But ..
These are people who have routinely ignored anything I have to say . and .. in fact, worse .. dumped it all in my lap time and again . give an inch . they take a mile and then some.
Thus .. I am W.A.Y. over here, .. on the other side of all this . boundaries in it all, so firmly dug I can't even see over the ledge anymore.
I don't know what DH has to say about it . only saw him briefly and he was out and gone .. to visit someone sick at the hospital . .(Interesting this doesn't rate on his radar as anything that needs urgent attention). The woman hasn't died yet . and who knows the fate that awaits that situation . so maybe his thinking is .. no urgency to all this. I really don't know.
I do know that I had sounded off, .. to DD .. who called it, the other day . on all this .. "there she goes .. SIL is setting the stage for her exit .. here we go". So I did sound off to her .. venting . that this email arrived in my corner today . and so when she saw her dad earlier .. she mentioned all this.
She said her dad's response was .. "I'll help if I need to, within the confines of what I can do .. I can't take off work . so .. I don't know how much help I can really be in all this .. and what would sister do if she was still in IL . and mom in her care . what would she do there, . she wouldn't have me or Dorker there, to step in for her, .. she simply wouldn't be able to go".
I haven't talked to him . and it's best I don't right now . I am steamed.
IMO .. what should occur, should the woman pass away . yes indeed it's a sad event and I wouldn't want to deny B the ability to be with his family .. so . fine . he can go .. and maybe that means the prima donna has to actually get her hands in the muck for a minute and HELP OUT. Maybe he needs to fly to St. Louis . and his daughter there on the other end, to meet him and help out .. as to managing him . if that's what SIL thinks is the need as to her supposed need to go with him . to this funeral.
But I'm not suggesting that . or any other thing. I have said what I have to say and that's it. Figure it out on your own . not my decision that your mom remain in your care . when I've said it countless times, she needs more care . needs to be in a setting where there is 24/7 care . staffed care. Not the avenue you wanna take, fine by me . but don't expect I'm gonna pick up the pieces of no plan B.
I told you so. Several posts back.
I said sil doesn’t get it. Dorker being out. Sil gives lip service as does dh. But sil DOES NOT GET IT! Cant. Won’t. Never will. And, frankly - neither will dh. Let’s just call it what it is. And, seriously- y’all can’t actually be surprised? Even with how quick it happened. As well, I can’t see being pizzed off, cuz this was absolutely gonna happen - no surprise unless you were kidding yourself into thinking a green chair is a red velvet chaise lounge.
I said at the first hangnail she’s be gone. Granted, a brain tumor is
no hangnail - but point made and confirmed.
I further predict that The Yellow Bedroom will be put into play. So - be prepared.
Barb is also correct in calling it on the ludicrous notion that sil needs to fly home first to get proper funeral attire. What? They don’t have stores where dying sister is? And - this is why God invented FEDX. Tomorrow morning by 10am - for effs sake! Nope. This is just a way to head out a few days earlier - a plane fare for two to get a black dress and a winter coat - my azz.
Ill further predict that once sil is out - boundless crisis and family support will call upon her and B to extent their stay there and/or something will crop up to necessitate a stop in Illinois on the way back. Perhaps needing to hang her dress back up in her closet?
It it could be weeks or months before you see sil back in Florida again.
Just sayin’...
I'll say SIL is totally whacked out (that is the nice way to describe it).
Frankly I think she appalling with her guilt tripping.
Either she is really dumb or has developed dementia. In any event, she is not demonstrating " normal" reasoning abilities.
If SIL does not enforce this action now, then she will be in for a world of hurt, and MIL spendind a few days in Respite is the Best thing for her, as a stepping block as to what the future does hold for her in any reasonably intelligent persons mind. Your SIL will Not be able to keep up this charade forever! It's time to put her foot down. I definalely would not engage in any further discussion on this matter in the future! You have enough on your plate with the probable near future interactions with your own Father and his wife. Hold Firm!
You’ve done well not responding to her request!
This is what happens when one person insists on doing it all with no backup plan. SIL still thinks she can guilt the imaginary team into action.
I'd give DH the number of two or 3 facilities that do respite. Tell him SIL can have her daughter overnight clothing to St. Louis.