I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
This is in reference to your daughters being signed on for Team MIL. You are exactly right in what you wrote above, BUT the last time at least one of them was recruited for Team MIL, you were furious. And you continue to be very angry that SIL isn't demanding anything of her own daughter (I don't remember her initial). And here's a question - did SIL stop dogsitting for her daughter during those 5+ months that MIL was living with her?
So I'd just caution you to retain the attitude you express above in the quoted sentence, and not get all stressed-out if SIL does indeed try to wheedle some help for MIL out of your daughters if she goes to St. Louis. If they come complaining to you if they do agree to help out MIL, remind them that they knew what they were getting into and let them deal with it. Don't take their stress on. Of course what they would like you to do (and didn't one of them even say this last time after H recruited one of them to Team MIL?) is for YOU to step and fetch for MIL.
Reading again what you just wrote about MIL's attitude towards SIL's H, I am angry for him that Queen Narcissa could act like that towards him, considering what he's put up with from HER.
I don’t know many men - if any - who would stand for playing second fiddle in his own life and in his marriage to this extent. Especially for the years and years this is becoming - not to mention the level of total involvement that it now is.
But, you didn’t say - what of his own parents? I’m just pondering what the wiring is that allows this.
And MIL said to him . "yea that's right buddy .. take a good look around . you won't see this place again".
She's had to eat those words . and she better be damn glad he's who he is and has come back .. people who are less tolerant wouldn't of. I wouldn't of.
If you were to ask him to this day . about that scenario . in his shaky voice, unassuming way . he would answer as follows: "She's old . it's hard .. I know it's hard putting up with me when I'm manic . I know it is .. I don't like it and I wish I could not be that way .. but . I know it's hard .. and old people aren't real tolerant and patient . she's old .. she didn't mean it".
SIL's life . since his dx has been about .. helping to reel him back to center when his mental illness steers him off course and he's manic .. adjusting meds . and tweaking things, etc . .and taking care of him . as well as raising the kids .. and working for a living.
MIL sees that latter part as wholly problematic. That he daughter would have been relegated to a life as a c'giver to her husband and his issues that he didn't disclose and "Tricked" her into marrying him by not disclosing known issues about himself. I seriously doubt that.
SIL does not hate her life .. she doesn't put one foot on the floor in the morning and then the other and take a step of dread . with each day. She's a caretaker through and through . if she wasn't caring for him and his frailties I guess she'd be one of those crazy cat ladies and maybe have 30 cats to care for ... I dunno. That's who she is .. thru and thru.
He isn't disagreeable . ever .. he is compliant . when she needs to tweak his meds and/or insist her get to his doc that he's left of center .. he complies . does as told.
Trying to get MIL to see that aspect .. that SIL isn't miserable . and in the end . isn't that what matters ........
Fruitless .. I quit trying .. I don't ask anymore and I change the subject if it comes up.
MIL can talk to a fence post ..
Him .. conversely .. doesn't talk much .. just not much to say. He will talk if you talk to him . .but generally .. in about as limited a manner as he can .. and no not snob like at all.
MIL thought he maybe didn't like her . because he just wasn't very conversational .. never was. I doubt the guy has ever met anyone he doesn't care for . he's just a quiet/non assuming sort.
They married .. had a couple of kids .. and when the youngest was maybe about 5 o 6 months old .. the bank he worked for as a VP of some division .. was gobbled up in a merger . and he never again . found any kind of equivalent job.
Was about that time that bipolar disease began to be evident .. in some grandiosity of thoughts verbalized by him.
WHEN he is manic . he talks a LOT (I kinda find him fun to be around when he's manic . most of us do .. but I guess it's quite different to live it with him as his spouse).
He tried .. he did try vehemently... traveling the country . perhaps relocation .. and no. I think he had another couple of jobs .. accounting type things .. and the stress of a work environment usually set in motion mania ..
Ultimately he went on SS disability .. and hasn't worked since.
He does stay engaged, .. he goes to the gym up the street .. he is heavily involved in the mental health organization where he lives and acts as some kinda president or some capacity there.
If you could see him . he is slouched over .. humpback kinda .. head slung down always .. and has tremors (result of all the meds he has to take). Tremors so bad in fact, that holding a cup of coffee is a struggle, cutting his own meats .. that kinda thing. Has been tested for Parkinson's . and no .. no Parkinson's but definitely the symptoms like it.
MIL says of him .. that he "tricked" SIL . that he "KNEW" he wasn't right . and he "tricked" her .. if she'd of known that he had these mental health issues .. she might not have married him .. he knew .. and tricked her. If you ask MIL.
I and others don't like hearing that from her, . and generally try to shut it down. We don't ascribe to that theory at all.
Maybe she feels differently now, I haven't asked I don't know.
But this quiet unassuming guy who hasn't balked at welcoming her into his home . and watching his wife fly off every few months in the care of her .. and when he's around .. he runs on that hamster wheel at SIL's direction, to Walgreens . to the pet store, . to the grocery store, to the hardware store, list in hand . and does as dutifully told and walks the dog on the leash a couple of times a day .. and/or gets up and down to let the dog out.
I don't like hearing that kinda talk from MIL .. none of us do .. and so we generally change the subject, or try to shut it down. Trying to make the senile ole bat see it differently is pointless.
She's damn lucky he is the person he is .. or she might have a whole different lot in life. She has been cruel to him in the past.
One of their visits here, he had the misfortune of going manic while here. To hear her tell it, it's insufferable to be around him .. he never shuts up . he eats everything not nailed down and SIL has to police him like you would like some kinda wild animal .. and stop him from eating any and everything in sight (not good for his diabetes). To hear her tell it .. "he's a grown damn man . he knows what he can and can't eat .. and yet he does it any damn way".
Uh ... he's manic .. that's why .. when he isn't . he doesn't do that MIL!
When it was time for them to leave from that visit . him having been manic in her presence .. He was standing at the back door . not looking at anything specific outside
IMO she doesn't deserve any anything but to be ignored - no explanations, conversations, etc. After all, love goes both ways, right? Others deserve respect and consideration, not just this silly old woman. OK, maybe MIL has cognitive issues, but I suspect that narcissism has been present for a very long time in this family.
The way it looks to me: SIL arranges some kind of respite care or APS and maybe the cops get a call. Them's SIL's choices.
What was B’s relationship with his parents like? What happened /where are they?
Was B bipolar- award of, I guess, when he and sil met?
Has be always been so gentle and sweet or has years with Bossy Bessie worn his spirit down?
Sorry if this has been covered - but I can’t recall...
Ok, fine, SIL feels like she needs to be there for her husband for support? Well, there is such thing called respite care for just these types of things. If she doesn't want to consider that option, it's her choice. Nobody making her NOT consider it. Again, the consequences of being hard headed. My uncle used to tell me when I was young and hardheaded that if you're going to be stupid, then you've gotta be tough.
I agree with others. Don't budge and don't argue with her. She's just saying whatever she thinks might get you back to stepping and fetching.
OD as has been said before, is about as far from anyone you'd want to help as can be. Not made that way .. not in her makeup .. she just isn't gonna be anyone that will step into the fray and be of any assistance.
YD .. she will help .. and that's up to her .. but she has school and work .. f/t .. and so how much she can sign on . and a b'friend that lives out of town (and she visits him often) .. how much she can help .. is questionable.
They're all grown women . .if they wish to sign on .. go for it.
They have all helped in one way or another through the years .. well except OD . I think she was called upon one time to dog-sit for MIL .. while MIL had some procedure done .. and she was calling and getting highly impatient and indignent that it was taking too long to suit her. Hasn't been called upon again.
Yes, B comes from a huge family .. I think there were 9 of them at one time, some have passed on. They are all huge beer drinkers ... all of them. B would be the same except that SIL polices that. She doesn't mind him having a beer or two .. but not all day and into the night .. and will stop that if he tries to do so.
Would any of them apply as much diligence to look after B's beer guzzling .. probably not no. Too busy with their own beer guzzling to be looking at what B is doing and not doing.
B takes handfuls of meds for his bipolar disorder as well as for his diabetes. Doesn't need to be drinking in excess. Would he police himself? I can only surmise he does so when left on his own for SIL's flights down this way to tend to her mom. She's certainly not there .. in IL . him there under their roof .. and her not there, to put the quietus on guzzling bottle after bottle of beer. He must be able to police himself .. or he'd of already fallen victim to whatever awaits someone in his condition from drinking far too much.
Maybe it's a case that SIL .. is being overly diligent where it's not necessary ..?... don't really know. Maybe it's a case that she wants an escape plan and a funeral . is as good as any. Don't know.
I know the stroke that he had .. he doesn't use a walker or a cane . he walks on his own .. but he does .. have some balance and gait issues .. slight . .and can fall . and has .. in their home (not injured). Maybe she worries that he will fall .. not in her presence. But he is bigger than her (neither are big people, and neither are overweight .. in fact, probably underweight) . she couldn't stop him from falling any way. He's taller/bigger than her.
I do feel bad for him. And if these were folks that actually honored and respected boundaries .. I'd be all for it .. go get on a plane . .in fact, isn't it more important that you go visit her before any funeral .. and maybe she's still lucid and knows you're there .. go .. both of you .. go.
BUT...
SIL is known to bust boundaries .. and bust them wide open and then some.
SO .. I'm not for it.
I don't care if he goes, I think he should .. and I think there are ways that can happen even still. It won't be because Dorker now takes charge of her mom .. she'll have to utilize some other means .. or whatever.
But I do wish that he could go.
He is a good good person .. kind/gentle .. rarely even speaks much. He has had his whole world upended for months on end, in the housing and care of MIL .. and his wife's obsession with same.
And I'm quite sure, knowing his disposition . hasn't griped one iota about any of it. Hopefully my last mess'g to SIL, reminding her I'm not her mom's c'giver . has her spinning to look at alternatives
MidKid has some good advice. I particularly like the advice about what to do if SIL tries to enlist your daughters to help (in fact, that may have been the real reason she had your daughter come over today to do MIL's hair). Do not get upset if she does. Your daughters are grown women who can simply tell their aunt NO to any attempts to assign them to Team MIL.
It's not YOUR fault B comes from a family of alcoholics.
The fact that his siblings and children can't step up and provide some support for the poor man does not make MIL your responsibility.
Just sayin'
Bringing MIL "home would be the absolute worst possible scenario.
And MIL has a LOT of people who cares, the problem is she has one who cares WAAAAAAY too much and one who barely acknowledges her and one who has been MIA for years. AND a whole entourage of "extras" in the wings.
AND MIL will NOT budge from her home which is so far from "elder friendly" she might as well be living in a tent. The time for her to choose alternate housing and not continue to put herself front and center has loooong since flown.
This isn't about LOVE, Nobody has said they don't LOVE MIL, they just cannot work with her as she refuses to see anyone but herself.
*******
DH thinks he can spend a weekend with MIL and that's gonna fix it all? I'd laugh if it weren't so doggone tragic. She's going to allow him to wipe her behind and give her a shower and do her hair? Maybe iron that basket of PJ's---I know the care my DH would give me. A warm diet coke tossed across the room and a "I am gonna be swamped at work. Have a good day". (This was 3 days post back surgery) (thank GOD for Daughters).
The "sweet letter" to SIL would be nice if SIL had any sense, She doesn't. For anyone else, it would be awesome a way to communicate. For SIL, ANY reaching out means "I'm back! Put me to work" and SIL would be gone in 12 hours and you'd never see her again.
Off subject, but again, what the HECK Are " funeral clothes". I get that they won't have brought their winter coats, but nothing else?? I'm befuddled by that one.
Dorker, you don't have a lot of time. Can "B" handle a plane trip if there is someone to pick him up at the other end? He needs to be with family at this time, if possible, My heart ACHES for this man and the seemingly lack of care for him.
I think it would be good if you wrote out a SHORT bullet point letter to SIL. Copy for you and one for her) Take her to lunch, sit her down and go through the note point by point. Make sure she understands you, if you wanna be snarky, actually have her SIGN the darn thing.
List the things you WILL do for MIL and the laundry list of what you WILL NOT DO for her, letting her know you will NOT be running the hamster wheel. In fact, let's retire that damn thing.
Of course, run this by DH and if possible, have him THERE TOO (it won't happen, but hey, y'know).
SIL will be hurt and mad, She cannot fathom someone not adoring her MIL to the absolute nth degree.
Be short. SIL seems to have an extraordinarily short attention span.
Be firm.
Be serious, Don't waffle over ANYTHING. Let her know that ALL "emergencies" on MIL's part will result in a 911 call. One of those will likely get her in the system and something can move forward.
Sadly, we all know you can't give a micro-millimeter. She grabs that and runs.
And IF she drags your daughters into it--then it's your DAUGHTERS who have to handle it. Walk away.
All this ENERGY just wasted, spinning and spinning. She is reminding so much of my kooky friend who packed up her entire dang house and at the last minute decided not to move. She's now in foreclosure. No decision is a decision.
Take, don't take my advice. I know that my own bugaboo is texting followed by emailing. I like to talk, face to face.
all I can do is say take care---stay tough. And be ready for DH to absolutely blow his stack, cause one weekend with DH and you not holding his hand...wow, I'd buy a ticket to that.
For good or for bad, time alone takes care of EVERYTHING.
So many sharp observations and smart comments! I suppose it’s age and experience that’s made us this way.
Experiences with our aged loved ones that had us doing super human things, exhibiting herculean strength and with the patience of Job.
Experiences that left us chewed up and spit out. In the end, leaving us to heal our own wounded body and mind the best we can.
We - my dh and I - have been dealing with a state tax audit for eight months now. A long story that has to do with a small amount of money our tax guy wanted to write off as a part of my executor duties with my mothers estate.
Yesterday we finally got word that it won’t be allowed. Our tax guy responded to us that he thinks we should file an amended return for my mothers estate.
This sent me into a full-on meltdown last night.
After my near hysterical outburst to dh- “No! I’m not going to do it! I refuse to do it! I’m not going there again. I refuse to EVER GO THERE again! EVER. No. JUST NO!!!”
Then, as dh watched me with that deer-in-the-headlights look that men get when their woman gets emotional - I began rifling through the huge box of papers pertaining to my mother. The one I keep meaning to sort and file - when I’m up to it - it’s been over two years now.
Im not exactly sure what I was looking for. But I spent the next four hours taking a fiery walk down Hells Memory Lane. Dh final gave up and went to bed around 1am.
So, yeah. Experience. All the collateral damage. All the casualties. It’s probably safe to say - none of us will ever be the same person we were before caregiving for an elderly loved one came into our lives. But we are smarter. And wiser.
Sil is in for a hard time. Much harder than it needs to be - by her own making. But she can’t see that now - won’t see it.
Dorker - you do see it. Unfortunately, that’s not going to exempt you from the hard time that is ahead. Sil is going to lash out. Dh is going to lash out - in spite of what he is saying right now. So, pick your battles - and pick your hill. And -
dont blink.
I rarely talk to her, .. absent this event with my dad .. and managing it all going forward (which she has been more engaged in than have I). Some of that is solely at the feet of her mother's dementia .. and managing her in all this.
She and I talking . of what comes next in all this as to dad's care .. and the fact his wife .. is compromised mentally.
She and I both on the page in the hopes that dad will .. as time wanes on here, find more strength and ability to manage on his own .. and we have pretty much every reason to believe that will be the case.
In that light .. she and I talking .. of the going forward in all this. She said the following to me (and she . she and I don't talk, . we aren't buddies .. I haven't talked to her about anything in probably a decade or more).
Her words: "Well going forward .. I'm sure your dad will get stronger and better able to manage .. but it may take a bit .. so we'll just have to pitch in and do what we can to help .. well aware they almost won't let anyone help . they barely let me help .. but .. whatever .. we'll just do the best we can .. until he gets strong enough . but what about you .. I hear your mother in law is being brought back from IL .. are you now gonna be assigned on that front?".
Me: "No .. I've made it abundantly clear to all involved that I am out .. look . she is 89 yo . she doesn't eat right, she falls all the time, doesn't take her meds as she should .. doesn't hydrate .. she needs to be placed .. but no one wants to contemplate that .. I've been on that front for a long long long time and watched it all spiral downhill and tried to get the powers that be to address it . nobody wants to .. and for a long time .. they were running me ragged with it all. .. I put a stop to it .. told them .. I am done .. she needs more care .. and I'm not doing it . now whether they listen and heed .. we'll see .. they don't have a good track record on that . but that's where it all stands at present .. and so no .. I won't be needed on that front as I have been in the past".
Her: "Good for you .. she's not your mom . .from what I understand . her daughter is retired, right?".
Me: "yes she is . and she's been caring for her mom in IL for months now .. but the mom wants desperately to be back in her own home here in FL .. and so .. they are coming back here .. "
Her: "Is the daughter going to stay with her?".
Me: "I really don't know .. to be honest .. she doesn't have a good track record there .. all I can do is stand my ground that I am out of it .. I don't think that one person caring for her is any viable plan . her needs are too great . but I've said it and said it . and it's not my mom .. not my decision .. only thing I can do is back out of it all, and that I've done".
Her: "Good for you .. they need to understand that . and they need to figure it out . not continue to heap it on you".
This from a person that only has perhaps a thumbnail sketch of the bigger picture of all this .. perhaps from what she's heard in talking to my dad and my stepmom .. not the nitty gritty of it all. She and I don't talk routinely . she doesn't know my world.
This:
"...and so I guess I had hoped that there would be family/help/support..."
So what does she call what you've been doing for the last five years? Scotch mist?
There HAS been immeasurable, invaluable help and support from - say family, actually you. Mother's needs have outstripped it. Time to find another answer.
Dorker, Every Single One of those reasons SIL gives for expecting 'more support from family' is EXACTLY one more reason why she and DH ought to have formalised the care plan with their mother last year. She can make the list as long as she likes, the more she adds to it the more reason to have got all this SORTED.
No, they didn't expect anyone to get ill. They didn't expect all these things to blow up at once. But they did know that we all get older, and they did know that their mother was already struggling, and over the last four months, when heaven knows she has been paddling as fast as she can, it has been abundantly clear to SIL that her mother could not live alone.
Do Not Budge.
They need to find formal care for their mother. End of.
extenuating circumstances . having to do with B's sister .. I mean in the end . .. B has been enormously helpful here to me .. with the care of my mom . and this isn't his fault that his sister is dying .. and I'm sure .. he'd like to go be with his family .. and so I thought maybe given the situation that I'd be able to depend on family/help/support.
Me: The way I see it, you do have support .. maybe it's not the support/family/help you were looking for in me. But ya know, let's bear in mind here .. I've been sounding this alarm for a long long time . that your mom's needs are increasing to the degree she needs more help .. and as I've tried to get everyone to focus on that . your brother .. can't/won't .. help to the degree you have stepped up. In fact, SIL nobody is gonna be as vested in your mom's care as you are . nobody. You wouldn't be as vested in my mom's care . nor would anyone expect you to be. I've tried for years .. to get everyone to the table to talk about the eventualities in all this .. and no one was interested .. I kept meeting deaf ears and responses of "she'll manage, she doesn't want anyone to help .. she'll manage, she doesn't want to go into a home .. it makes her too sad".
Nobody wanted to be the adult in the room and plan for contingencies .. and so here we are. It's been your approach that you'll, ... as long as you can .. til you can't anymore (at some unforeseeable crossroad in the future) .. just take care of your mom . .. and that's fine .. that's your mom. As you know, as I've said countless times, I don't support that as any viable arrangement. I've said it more times than I can count. The only other offspring she has is her son .. and as you know . he is unwilling and in some cases, unable to step into the fray to the degree you have done . and so that leaves who? Not me any longer, that's for certain .. I thought I made that abundantly clear.
SIL: "Well .. I just .. I mean .. it makes her too sad .. and too despondent to even contemplate having to loose her home . her dog .. everything that matters to her .. and she's in the last chapter of her life and I don't want that to be a sad chapter .. and so .. all I know to do is to walk that walk with her, as best I can . as long as I can, til I can't anymore .. so .. I guess .. I mean .. I've had her in my care for several months .. and I guess I thought that maybe the circumstances given here with B's sister .. and her demise would dictate that we have some latitude and some help/support from family and we could depart to attend to that".
Me: "You do .. you have your brother .. and yes . within the confines of his limitations that he can/will help .. call upon him .. and I know you're gonna be less than satisfied with what he can offer .. well aware of it .. tried to get everyone to the table to that awareness .. long and hard .. you have your daughter .. call upon her . in this instance .. maybe not the "FAMILY/HELP/SUPPORT" you'd hoped for in me .. but .. let her help . this is HER dad .. this is HER aunt that is dying .. St. Louis is a lot closer to her than it is to you .. and .. you have B's siblings .. they can all certainly pitch in . if need be .. at least in MO .. but that's not up to me . none of this is . and I long ago grasped all that. But your thinking that I am still an alternative in all this, you are sadly mistaken .. I am no longer in it, in any sense and any dialogue would've imparted that to you clearly .. hopefully we're clearer on that now".
SIL: "Well I just don't know what to do .. I mean this is all . it is challenging and overwhelming at times .. and I guess .. maybe .. all I know to do is to provide the care she needs .. as long as I can .. and so I guess I had hoped that there would be family/help/support .. and I guess .. maybe that's not the case.
ME: "you do have family/support .. but not mine . not in this .. we just covered that".
Round and round it goes, always
The best approach is going to be .. the less said the better. Having said probably a gazillion words on it all, to all involved, .. surely hasn't changed any of it, and it likely won't ever.
Here's about how any dialogue with her, .. via phone/email . would go .. it winds in circles of non answers. As someone else put it .. she wants things her way and no accountability to having to answer to others. Thus . she needs to do it herself.
If I were to talk to her .. it'd be pointless, but here's about how it would go:
Me: "SIL .. I'm just looking to try to understand here why you thought it appropriate to reach out to me . in the event of B's sister's demise and a possible upcoming funeral. I guess maybe I'm sensing there is some frustration and perhaps anger .. that you've found in me .. a refusal to step to the need .. in your statement .. "you'd hoped to have help/support from family, given the circumstances". I guess I'm trying to get some clarity myself around the fact, .. it had been my understanding that you and I had talked .. and I'd imparted to you at that point, that I was stepping away from any c'giving role as to your mom .. that conversation has indeed transpired .. so maybe if you could impart to me, how you were confused .. and not clear on that topic.
SIL: "Well, I guess I just figured .. ya know .. I mean we didn't plan on B's sister dying .. and of course, that's out of anyone's control . and as you know B has his frailties also .. and so .. it's really important that I be able to be in attendance to mind him . and his issues .. and so maybe I had figured that . given the circumstances here . that maybe there'd be some help/support from family to allow us the latitude to see to that need.
ME: "I'm not sure where you read into our conversation that there were exceptions to any set up going forward. If you recall .. I asked you at the time when we talked, .. what of eventualities that may occur . what of .. different turns in this thing . that necessitate your having to step away from MIL's care .. and your answer at that time was a beleaguered .. that you're finding this day to day care a challenge and one that is, for the most part, all you can do . to get from one day to the next, .. that you can't even think about what happens tomorrow, that your only answer .. was that you will, for now .. do what you can to mind your mom . that it causes too much despair and sadness for her in her waning years to even contemplate placement anywhere .. and you don't want her waning years to be sad ones . and so all you know to do is . until you can't do it anymore . be her c'giver.
I heard you loud and clear . and comprehended what you said at that point . and imparted that to you as well as my disagreement of that as any viable plan going forward . but that I acquiesce to the fact this isn't my mom . and not my decision .. and told you that.
I guess where I'm confused is that I imparted to you what my stance is in all of this .. and clearly I thought .. I guess .. maybe you are under the impression that there will be exceptions going forward and whatever you deem as necessary that you depart your mother's care .. is then going to necessitate that I step in . as "help/support from family". I guess .. maybe you need to have a clearer understanding of it all .. I don't support what you are doing and think it's not sustainable what you're doing . it's too much for one person and I've said so . .and I don't wish to be that one person this falls to any longer .. and yes, even in your absence".
SIL: "Well ya know Dorker .. I've done it .. I've had her now in my sole care for several months .. it's not like I've shirked what it is that I set out to do .. and so . I guess . I thought with these extenuating
Please know that the SIL letter was written not necessarily to get her to get MIL in care, but because I know this whole situation puts you in the place of being the bad guy. And you are not the bad guy. It wasn’t a letter you need to write. I wrote it to encourage you that you ARE a good person. You do care deeply and, in a reasonable situation with people who are thinking clearly and logically, you have great generosity of spirit.
The words are there in case you need to help these people see the difference between “being there for family” and sacrificing yourself at the altar of someone’s old age.
As much stress as this is causing you... you are sticking to your guns and responding calmly and rationally. You deserve a pat on the back, lady:)
MIL won't.
Remember she was housed here in the yellow bedroom to weather a hurricane threat .. having been evacuated from her home. She was .. extremely displeased with the lack of any hospitality here .. and became somewhat argumentative wanting to go home (her home at that time, no power . ours either .. for that moment .. but taking her to a home with no power, .. at least we had a generator running, to power a fridge and some lights and fans .. she didn't have any of that). She'd of been taken to a dark home .. and had to navigate with her walker, and hold onto a flashlight to see .. and with her arthritic hands that can barely grip much of anything . and no way to even power a microwave to fix a thing to eat.
Here she was, stuck, and not pleased about it. Telling both DH and myself she felt like a prisoner . that we wouldn't cart her home.
She said of that whole event . that she will never darken the doorstep of our home again. DH took this with much offense and said so to her.
That time she stayed here, unlike other times she'd sheltered here from storms. Dorker had .. at that juncture . been very much on the page of . . "okay all you stubborn dense azzes .. you think she can manage . .. by GOD I'm gonna get on that page also .. and so I wasn't at her elbow to service her every need, her dog's every need".
Less than hospitable.
She was on her own a good deal of the time .. and I escaped to my air conditioned car, sitting under a shade tree, charging my phone and wasn't here at her elbow to service her and her dog's every need.
That was quite on purpose on my part, intentional in every sense of the word.
By that time, I'd harped at the whole agenda long enough . .that she doesn't manage . .and to deaf ears that would answer to it with "She will manage".
Okay you got it .. she can manage then. I had tried to get her on a plane to safety to IL . knowing that hurricane was gonna bear down on us .. and you'd of thought by her reaction that I was asking her to board a rocket to Mars.
So here she was brought .. but I wasn't at her beckon call. I was absent the scene here .. A LOT. On purpose.
So ..
I don't think even she wants to entertain any notion of the yellow bedroom.
Good!
She’s baiting. She’s desperate.
SIL does “see”. She is refusing to take no for an answer. The guilt punch (manipulation) didn’t work, so now she extends an invitation. She’s a real piece of work.
You could block her emails if they distress you so. Force her to deal with DH.
I think the yellow bedroom is not an option for MIL. She’s back in her home. She will only leave by ambulance, kicking and screaming.
Likely I missed it .. sitting on the front porch with my dad . and my phone in his house in my purse. So she did try to call.
She didn't leave any voice message. Could've asked me to call when I have a minute and I'd of retrieved that voice mail and likely done so.
She chose instead to email me. Had I not removed her ability to text .. I'd of likely rec'd this info via text. Email .. is now her method of reaching me.
My dad and that situation . he is presently on a walker . and I can only hope he gets stronger thru the PT ongoing .. and that walker can then graduate to a cane and maybe beyond that .. no aide as to walking. He too is frail . and .. moving very slowly . his legs .. look like limp spaghetti noodles when he tries to walk with the walker. He is recuperating. Slowly.
His biggest problem . and one he has imparted to me . is the isolation of being there, unable to ambulate to get out on his own .. and escape the wife who has a mind that is slipping and repeatedly argues the same points, asks the same questions ..over and over. I've seen it, being there on site.
He has expressed .. as I offer to help in any way possible, run errands, run the vacuum .. go get groceries .. do a load of laundry . whatever .. and it gets declined. What he has said is helpful . are my visits .. the isolation .. is what is more bothersome to him than most of the rest of it.
Thus I am trying to do some of that.
Dad at age 80 is a smoker .. and outside he goes on occasion . to have a cig . and so I was outside visiting with him on his front porch. I didn't take my phone with me, it was in my purse.
She did try to call me, but even if I had seen it was her, . and had my phone on me, I'd of not answered it. At that moment . my time/attention . was focused on my dad not on her and her mom.
One of them contained the info to impart that MIL's car had to be dropped off at the dealership . and the part needed is going to detain the car o'nite .. and the part was $489 ..
The car is a 2003 Toyota . probably worth all of about $500. But it's the car they use when they are here .. to get to all the hamster running that goes on.
That too, maybe an underhanded ploy to get us to kick on the expense of repair (something she also imparted to DH I'm told and he agreed to kick in some to help defray that expense, fine by me).
She also sent another email informing me that DD is to come today to do MIL's hair . wanting to know if I'd like to come/visit also.
That topic .. I bid off going .. I am working the rest of the week and so have some things to handle myself today ..thing I need to button down and won't be able to see to .. absent being here, and off to work. So I begged off.
That topic too .. those of you that remember .. back when MIL was here, SIL not here .. and SIL orchestrating that DD go over and do MIL's hair (DD has always done MIL's hair .. and in the days that she had one daughter . I'd keep that one daughter .. and she'd spend some quality time with her g'ma ... and do her hair .. etc.).
Fast forward to now 2 add'l kids .. in the twins that were born. Not a problem they weren't mobile really, for a while .. and so .. she'd haul them over there .. maybe I'd join and keep a lid on them .. so she could visit with MIL and do her hair.
Fast forward to now days .. the twins are now 19 months old. They are all over the place, .. grabbing things .. climbing on things .. doing as 19 month olds will do.
Before MIL left for IL .. and she living here alone, SIL had orchestrated another set up to have DD go over and do MIL's hair . and I went along . to help keep the twins under wraps ..
It was a zoo. A fiasco.
It's one thing to police one baby .. in a home that isn't child proofed .. quite another to police two at one time .. and keep them out of going places where there is no baby gate in place to stop them .. pull one off a chair they've climbed to the back of .. to now fall and bust it's noggin .. and the other one has now stuck something in the electric socket . and so you dive to get that one ..and now the other one has meandered into the kitchen and turned over the dog bowl . and is eating the dog food ..
It was a comedy of a circus trying to do that.
At that time, I had told SIL ... I don't know how viable all this is . .having DD do MIL's hair .. maybe the better alternative at this point is to take her to a salon up the road .. and DD can go visit when she's there to do just that, visit .. bringing little ones into a home that isn't child proofed .. and all they get into . not a good plan.
So now fast forward all these months, them back now .. from IL. And SIL has it orchestrated that DD come over to do MIL's hair and twins in tow. I guess that was her attempt to reach out to me, and see if I'd like to come also and run interference with the twins .. and she too . .and we'd keep the twins busy while her mom gets her hair done.
I begged off.
She can have at it. She can police the twins ..
Could I have DD drop the twins here . and go on .. and do what she needs to do and have some quality time with her g'ma?
Yes I could . but I'm not going to ..
What that necessitates in the end, is orchestrating everyone's agenda and plans for the day . to the tune of .. "okay well I can't do it on thus and such day because I have "x" to do on that day . but I can help you on "y" day if you wanna do it then .. and then DD with "Oh I can't do "Y" day because I have _________ to do .. ". It becomes a logistical issue to try to coordinate everyone and their agenda.
And I do help DD with the twins .. and not at the behest of MIL need.
So have at it.
She should have stopped with “I see”. But noooo, she threw the guilt punch! SIL clearly does not “see”.
You said the mature thing with your response. I am not mature I suppose. I would have replied with a right hook, left hook, sucker punch, and a knock out blow. But, no matter what was said, you would be seen as the bad guy, immature,etc. And really that dust up should be reserved for DH.
You replied. I’m guessing DH did not reply?
The email...just another example of SIL refusing to pick up the phone.
But I just . and I'm not generally a demonstratively angry person ... I want to go punch a hole thru a wall somewhere to vent this frustration.
Just something I forgot to add before, further dialogue had between DH and myself. I read to him SIL's response on my email .. and he too picked up the tone and flavor that she is peeved. Him saying: "You can tell she's mad .. upset .. and so now she'll go silent even with me .. I won't hear from her .. she's mad".
Me: "Who she Needs to get mad with is your mom .. and just matter of fact like and succinctly .. go about the damn steps of making the motions to get your mother the care she so desparately needs . it's too much for one person to continue to manage .. and I've said it .. and this very scenario that is playing out shows you . .having no Plan in place .. leaves just this kinda thing hanging in the damn balance .. she needs to point that anger in the direction of the PROBLEM in all this .. not at me .. I did help .. and for a number of years . .and I'm done, I don't support any of this as a set up .. and a plan and I've said it and said it .. and .. the fact she refuses to see that isn't on me .. she can get mad all she wants".
DH then a look of defeat .. and a response of: "yea .. how ya gonna afford to put her in a home somewhere she doesn't have any $ .. and none of us can afford it".
Me: "Medicaid my dear . been saying it"
DH: "Yea and then she's in some hell hole of a place".
Me: "Not necessarily the case .. but no one has even been willing to peek thru and crack the door open to that as any viable plan . it causes too much despair and sadness .. well .. It causes me too much sadness and despair to continue stepping to the beat of a drum I no longer support . so . there ya go ... your mom's despair and sadness is no more important than my own . and if I hadn't been on the front lines of all this for a long long time, maybe I'd have no platform from which to speak . but I did .. and so .. fine . you guys don't want that as any approach to what to do with your mom's care . fine by me . but that doesn't mean that any circumstance is gonna now dictate that I step back in .. I am no longer jumping to the beat of your sister's drum.
DH: "I know .. I hear ya .. and I thank you for all you did do for all those years .. and I don't know .. we'll just have to see how this develops".
And with that . convo over.