I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
#1. Barb is exactly right re: Rehab assessment of MIL's ability to conduct ADL's as well as a general assessment of "cognitive" function. They certainly did this with my Mom. DH and SIL should WANT to know the results of this assessment and subsequent recommendations for MIL whenever release from Rehab may occur.
#2. SIL and DH should be meeting with the Rehab SW right away re: options for MIL upon release, especially since Medicaid is involved with placement. I cannot speak to the Medicaid issue as my Mom was financially able to personally fund her ALF/SNF care. Sorry, I know I'm preaching to the choir (you, Dorker) here, but just recommendations based on my own experiences.
#3. A recommendation for help in seeking appropriate placement: The local Alzheimer's Association. NO, your LO does not have to have ALZ, my Mom did not. They were magnificent and helped me find the perfect, lovely placement for my Mom. I personally visited and met w/people of at least 25 "highly recommended" facilities before contacting the local ALZ Association. Everyone I met with was a " Marketing Manager"....enough said.
The beautiful, small place where I placed my Mom was actually run by an experienced RN and that's who I met with and got the "facility tour". Never regretted it, nor did Mom. Again, this was not a Medicaid situation, but if you want to put a bug in DH's ear.....entirely up to you....OR, if he should come to you, overwhelmed and not knowing where to turn for help, I would very highly recommend the local ALZ organization for wonderful assistance in placing a LO in an ALF/SNF facility. I don't know where you are in FL but this happened to be the Marco Island/Naples area where my Mom had resided for 30+ years.
Again, only FWIW, based on my personal experience, and, if sometime in the near future, you find any of this helpful.
Stay strong in your boundaries: You are magnificent in how far you have progressed since starting this thread!!
In fact, I am sure that is why your thread has survived and thrived. All of us, fellow CG's, past and present, owe you some thanks for your open, honest, straight-forward, unembellished and compelling evolutionary/revolutionary true tale. Including the honest but heart-wrenching decisions that ultimately have to be made, weighing the options, the fall-out, what you are ultimately willing or not willing to do, to give up or refuse to give up....More power to ya Dorker!
So well catalogued, so well told, so relatable to so many. Thank you!
Honestly, somebody hovering over you 24/7 is pretty counterintuitive to getting "rest". The rehab is exhausting for theses folks. There were group activities if they so chose to be a part of something social--or they could stay in their rooms.
In fact, I only visited Mother ONCE in 12 week stay at this facility (her choice) and as I signed in, the front desk person asked me to keep my visit to 1/2 hr, maximum and to understand that they would not tolerate family "undermining" the healing process.
Basically, we're happy to have you come. Don't stay long and don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Mother rehabbed 100xs better than her next surgery where she opted to come home and "let" us take care of her. Ugh.
SIL is hoarse? She's burning up is what's happening. The vertigo, the hoarseness, she's not YELLING at people is she? She's shutting down, herself. I imagine she is just frantic with the knowledge that this is likely an enormous change and she isn't in control. It's the end of the road, so to speak and in a few days---she isn't going to have a say in what goes on.
Dang the lack of the POA. If DH had that, he could override his crazy (yet loving) sister and make MIL stay in a facility where, yes, she will be miserable, but safe.
He can legally make that happen now---but it would be awful and probably cause irreparable damage to his relationship with SIL. He just HAS to be tough, this one time, super tough. I don't know if he can.
MIL can't be left alone for 1 hour now. What does SIL THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN? The best they can hope for is the UTI to settle down and for MIL to be able to walk with a walker. Also hopefully make it to the bathroom and not require 10 complete bedding changes per day. Actually, she'll be in full coverage incontinence briefs from now on.
Ina facility she will be compliant with her meds b/c someone will bring them to her and watch her take them.
In a facility she can have palliative/Hospice care when she wants it. She'd also actually probably be a lot less lonely, as you would feel like a visit there would be within your ability to control it. She may actually stop complaining about the loneliness--anything could happen.
AS long as you keep pounding that thought into SIL's head that this is a whole new regime change and she cannot control it. Someone in CHARGE has to have a come to Jesus with SIL and tell her in no uncertain terms she is OUT of the elder care job. She needs to be a loving daughter and quit trying to change the rotation of the earth.
I think ANYTHING could happen. MIL will rally to a point, will SIL allow herself to see the truth or will she hop right back into the overbearing care?
Who knows?
(Just a side note--about the pills: My FIL hated all the meds he had to take (except for the Norco!!) and I'd hand him his pills and a glass of water and walk away. A week after he passed, I, like Xena, pulled out his recliner and there were PILES of pills. Hundreds. He didn't want to take them and by darn, he DIDN'T. I had a good laugh, vacuumed up probably $500 worth of stuff and said "good job, Dad, you sneaky devil")
MIL talking last night about just that! MIL herself so weary of it. But the disconnect there is this. MIL cannot/does not manage. Period. She doesn't. So SIL hovers and does it all and then some. MIL doesn't connect the dots.
So MIL what's your answer there dear? SIL drives you up a tree sideways with all her neurotic hovering ... you can't take care of yourself... you refuse to entertain any notion of placement ..for skilled and staffed care ... what's your solution there dearie?
Her answer (absent the ability to connect those dots) would be (y'all just need to leave me be .. now I'll be fine)
Yea ok .. so the other nite when DH had to literally pick up all 170 lbs of you... because you couldn't get up and the UTI ongoing had rendered you unable to even process how to get up .. brain in a fog .. ok ...???... guess he could have just walked out and gone on home and you can just soak your Depends and end up in the end with Sepsis ... yea ok ... leave you be. Got it.
The dots, connecting them .. it's gone ... no ability to do so. None.
Yes. SIL hovers ... ENORMOUSLY ... driving everyone in her periphery nuts.
How I wish the pros would come down hard on her ... that her mom's care is way above her pay grade and she's doing her mom a disservice to delude herself otherwise.
We can all picture this, right? SIL glued to Mega Mama’s side - and undermining the staff with high-maintenance expectations.
Shall we take bets on how long it takes for the rehab staff to tell SIL to get bent?
I suspect the Social Workers at the facility will be talking to SIL and DH about what MIL's needs are, going forward.
ADL stuff.
I won't likely be made aware of it, having removed myself from the front lines.
But seems to me .. if lack of any progress is at issue along with evidence of struggles with ADL's... there would be recommendation she can no longer live alone/placement, SNF.
Would be interesting to see SIL/DH take on it all.
1. MIL doesn't want to stay there .. (pick a reason) .. and the phone calls begin and SIL runs to swoop her up and cocoon her back into her own home and work herself to a nub doing so .. and there goes rehab.
2. Not enough progress being made to warrant continued stay there, and so . staff wanting to release her for home .. and there goes the end of any rehab stint.
NOT that DH and SIL would then work the angle . that there needs to be some direction forward .. as to SNF . or whatever. Nope .. that isn't even on any radar .. anywhere. Nor is POA.
I'd like to be surprised and see what it is that SIL/DH are wanting out of this whole Rehab path. That she gets a bit stronger and can do a little better than has been the case (it's never gonna be restoration to a 40 yo and I think even SIL/DH are aware of that .. I hope).
Hate to be such a pessimist .. but I'm betting it's gonna take one of the two routes above.
And you bet there is some Dementia ongoing . not a doubt in my mind .. hasn't been all along. I just want to say to SIL .. who, apparently, dawn is just revealing itself to her in the fact, she now sees the med compliance thing I harped on .. and she now sees .. the mind ain't what it was .. she now remarks on those two things .. I just want to say to her, .. "ya know this ain't new SIL! This has been the case for a few years now, that I was trying to get you on this damn page .. but you sat up in IL . .and called yourself coming here every few months to stand on your damn head .. and run a hamster wheel for 3 weeks . and then off you'd go again .. with her assurances that she manages. She hasn't managed in a long damn time, .. it's just you are finally beginning to see it .. in little snippets . but you are seeing it now .. finally!'.
I remember back when the twins were born and I allowed myself to be waylaid into her saga when she got hospitalized (UTI) .. and left the twins scene and DD to attend to the MIL scene .. against my better judgement. And at that time, they found some cognitive impairment .. and I'd thought "HOORAY .. it's not me, someone else sees it .. the professionals see it", they wanted to test her further .. and SIL nixed that .. got that taken off any radar chalking it up to ... "she had a UTI, UTI's cause confusion". My harping .. "this isn't isolated to the UTI SIL .. it's been an issue .. her cognitive impairment, what's the harm, have her tested"... she didn't want to do it .. and made sure it didn't get done, and waltzed off again, to IL.
I HAD BEEN TELLING HER there is cognitive impairment. But it got ignored .. like everything else.
And yes, ... I can see that this time too .. she may very well utter those same words over this insistence. "Well she had a UTI .. UTI's cause confusion, disorientation". I can hear it .. it's coming .. as she finds excuse to now yank her out of Rehab and bring her home. Her cart to pull, not mine.
DH and I went to the hospital last night .. for a brief visit (SIL had gone to MIL's to rest). Incidentally .. SIL .. now .. maybe getting laryngitis ..???....she is so hoarse .. not congested . not yet anyway .. but can barely talk now. MIL was laid in the bed the entire visit while we were there, so I didn't see her up and moving any. She is more lucid now .. and did give voice to looking forward to getting better via a Rehab stint. That's new .. she's always vehemently rejected any path that would land her in a Rehab site.
I'm so glad that my little p/t (as needed) job . has me assigned right now .. and I'm so out of the loop on most of the goings on. And more importantly .. my spot on the front lines of all this . has been filled .. by SIL/DH . to the degree they step to that is their deal, not mine. So glad.
Although I've followed your postings from the beginning, and still do, I haven't commented before because my long journey with my Mom was over by the time you began posting. Also, my family dynamic was entirely different. But.....as it appears things could be at a turning point, I'll offer a few thoughts from my several Rehab experiences, as "be prepared" forewarnings:
#1. POA. MIL never made provision so, beyond the "phone call", if she insists on "going home" will SIL and DH push back at Rehab authorities and insist she can't be released home? Will they have the legal grounds (w/out POA) to do so? Having POA sure eased my experience, and it was still far from "easy".
#2. Medicare/Insurance: If MIL does not show "improvement" in Rehab they will be pushing constantly to release her. This is at least a weekly thing. The 20 Medicare days in Rehab are not guaranteed, and only approved if patient is continually "showing improvement". DH and SIL have to be prepared to constantly sell MIL's case. That was my experience and my Mom was sweet and totally compliant w/PT demands, etc. Unlike MIL.
So, just be prepared for these new wrinkles in the ongoing MIL saga. You have great, experienced voices advising you here. You are so lucky in that at least.
You are finally in the right place.....Hang tough and just be aware of these new potential hiccups.
Best, xoxo Mina
“Compliance” implies a choice. With dementia there isn’t one - not really.
As for the rehab being a posh one - the phone call will still come. Maybe it will take 36 hours instead of 24 - but it will come. Count on it.
Sorry.
I'm bracing myself ...
Rehab and discharge is tomorrow . .she will be leaving the hospital for a Rehab unit .. in a rather posh place I might add.
But what little I know of Rehabs (admittedly very little) .. she will be put through the paces. I can only hope that dreaded phone call .. or several of them .. don't ply SIL into coming to get her.
DH said he had a stearn word with his sister today (we'll see if it does any good, I don't hold out much hope it will). He told her he wants to see her take this time, that their mom is accounted for, and cared for in a Rehab place, to rest .. that she doesn't need to be there hovering . and patrolling .. go .. get outta there, let them do their jobs and she needs to go .. and not be there all the time, sun up to past sun down. We'll see.
And .. I DO think SIL is seeing it . that was my point .. I had tried to harp on all this, to deaf ears .. and lo and behold .. now SIL .. she complains of just what I used to tell her, and she'd deny it at the time. She isn't med complaint!
Now she too is complaining of it. TRIED TO TELL YA!
OMG! I have an aunt who is usually 85% coherent. I tried helping her for 2 years and found myself in a very similar situation to Dorker. The need became overwhelming. She has now been living in AL for almost a year.
Anyway, I used to separate her pills for her, let's say on a Tuesday. I'd leave the Tuesday container empty since she had taken the Tuesday pills that morning before I arrived. I even put a bright sticker on Wed., so she'd know to start on Wed. morning. I could not understand why the HECK I'd go over to visit 2 days later and she would have taken Sunday and Saturday's pills, but not Wednesday or Thursday's. I would ask, "Aunt P, why did you take Sunday and Saturday's pills instead of Wed. and Thurs.?" She would say "Well, Sunday is the first day of the week! That's the day I am supposed to take first!" I would ask "Well, then why did you take Saturday's pill if you started on Sunday?"
Her reply "Well, Saturday comes before Sunday! I couldn't remember if I had taken Saturday's pills or not!" Made NO DAMNED SENSE!
If I made sure to get her started on Sunday, she'd still mess it up. She might take her Sunday pills, but would then skip to Wednesday.
Even then, there would be several pills on the FLOOR and one or two still in the container on the days she took them. The day we moved her to assisted living, when her recliner chair was lifted, about 100 tiny heart medication pills were on the floor underneath! She NEVER dropped or missed a dose of pain meds though! Ever!
I've learned that even elderly people who otherwise have a decent grasp on the world around them, for some reason have a real disconnect with time, days of the week, and medication. I don't know why, but it is a common issue with the elderly.
I tried calling to remind Mom to take her meds. I confess, I tried a dry erase board. Sigh....
This was after I read til my eyes bled about Dementia. Sigh....
Next to my notes on big dry erase board Mom would scribble “kiss my azz”. Concerning the HH aide “she’s not here” or “I hate her”.
Mom would throw pills in trash. I found them. Then she started scrambling them all around in the pill box and said she took them. Sigh...
SIL can't figure out why MIL isn't compliant with her meds? Love of heaven lady, she doesn't know what DAY it is, much less what her meds are. No way she can remember to take them, they simply don't register in her brain, and that's not her fault, just one more reason she cannot live alone.
My DH is on so many meds I cannot keep track. After his transplant, for 4-5 months, I had to chart him (just like in the hospital) and I did so, religiously and with the dedication he needed. Left to his own devices--well, he would have been sent to a rehab, it was that intense. Following his heart attacks last summer, he is now on 2 blood thinners, 2 cholesterol meds, 2 drugs for neuropathy,2 for depression/anxiety, PLUS the antirejection meds. I have no idea what the "new drugs" are and I honestly just don't care. He packs his own pills in little AM/PM packets and it's his responsibility to take them. When he lays out his pill boxes and fills them, it's for 2 weeks at a time. Looks like a pharmacy in there.
As compliant as he is, he does forget his meds fairly frequently. If you are on more than a couple of prescriptions, it gets harder and harder to keep track. I know my client with Parkinson's had absolutely NO IDEA what she was on and why. Hence, 30 hours a week in home care. Family knew that 4 days of the week, she would be getting her meds on time and appropriately.
Well---here's to hoping that SIL's vertigo remains a bit of a problem and DH can step up now. It sounds like he is doing so. GOOD! Better late than never.
Just hoping SO MUCH that once MIL improves a bit, SIL doesn't start in with that "It was just a UTI, right? Just a UTI? She's fine now, right?" and you're back 19 months.
I have to confess that shes reminding me - of me.
Of course, I had heard of dementia. Knew it had to do with people who are old loosing their grip on reality... But when my mother was first showing signs - Dementia could have walked up to me and introduced itself and I would not have been able to identify it.
It wasn’t until dementia slapped me in the face that I began to look online as to just what the heck was wrong with my mother - and wound up here - that I was able to buy a vowel and solve the puzzle.
So much of it I thought was just the “normal” part of aging. The forgetfulness. The obstinance.
I would fill up my mothers pill organizer every Friday. It started out fine. After about the first year, I saw that she was missing days here and there.
So - I gave her The Talk. Things got better for about a week. So - more talk but with a stern tone of voice. Then talk with stern voice and emphasis on importance. Then talk with stern voice, emphasis on importance AND stressing consequences. Then the talk, stern voice, importance, consequences AND beating my head against the wall...
Next, I got the brilliant idea that I would call my mother every morning and remind her to take her pills. That progressed to me actually staying in the phone and waiting while she took them. Me: “Did you take all of the pills?” Mom: “Yes. I took every one of them”. This was the routine for several months. And, starting my every single day having to talk to my mother was just so yippy-skippy fun!
Yeah - good times. Until...
I started to notice a pill or two on the bathroom floor almost every visit. Okay, fine. Mom was dropping a pill now and then but it was okay, right? The important thing was that she was taking the majority of them everyday - during my phone call.
Then it happened. One day dh and I go to visit mom. Once there, I decide I need to use the bathroom. There in the bottom of the toilet bowl is a entire days worth of pills. I swear, I must of stood there for five minutes staring down at the pills like they were a three-headed rat crawled up through the sewer line. After I’m pretty sure my head wasn’t going to explode- I call for my dh. Just in case. Just in case I’m really NOT seeing what I’m seeing.
Yep. Confirmation. Pills in the toilet. So, I ask my mom, “Mom, why did you throw your medication in the toilet?” Mom: “I didn’t do that”. Me: “Your pills are in the toilet. I’ve been finding pills on the bathroom floor for months. Clearly, you’re flushing your pills down the toilet!” Mom: “No, I’m not”.
Ive never really determined if my mom was flushing her pills to spite me, to cover up she wasn’t taking them... I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore.
The moral of my story? There really isn’t much of one. It was good to get it off my chest as I was having flashback anger as I read about sil and her flash cards. Gee - flashcards! That never occurred to me, I must admit. Anyhoo - hope my story provided a moments diversion from all the uncertainty in the lives of The Brain Trust - which does impact your life. Like it or not.
But yeah, sil needs to do some reading up on dementia. Ya think?
Was flat out refused and ignored.
We've now seen an exit to IL that was fought mightily but occurred anyway. And now, agreeable to a rehab stay.
Improvement.
Also of note, on phone with SIL, her lamenting her mom's failure at med compliance. Her giving example, she has made an index card .. illustrating the various meds and reasons for each. A tool to help MIL who consistently asks, each day, what each pill is and what it's purpose is.
It hasn't helped.
She has doled out in set up in appropriate vials as to what pills, what days, what time, etc. Doesn't help.
As she put it "if you have no real awareness as to what day it really is ... and kinda at times, even what time it is, kinda lost on her.
SIL's words: "If I don't dole her pills out - she doesn't take them".
Whodathunkit!
I've had to remove the phrase "told ya so" from my vernacular.
I remember complaining about that and the results that would then land in my lap. SIL always a response of "really? I ask her if she's taking her meds and she tells me she does... wonder why she says she's taking her meds if she isn't".
SIL now living it. She's had to see for herself...my protests that she does not manage on her own .. is absolutely dead on accurate.
Told ya so!
I think that we all tend to think that people are just "stuck" forever in their resistance, but although MIL and SIL started out with "she'll be fine at home", in time, with your backing away from an untenable situation, they got to "let's try having her in Illinois" and "let's try bringing her home to FL". They HAVE progressed from "no, just no".
But I really wasn't sure she'd not end up wheelchair bound with this latest.
It will be interesting if/when discharged to Rehab and this sounds like a posh one, just what the gripe will be that causes SIL to swoop in and nix it all. Nothing surprises me with this crew.
With her own set of physical problems (the vertigo) she is too impaired to so much as sit upright in a chair, much less race to MIL's beside to stand helplessly as she wets herself. (As I stated earlier, this vertigo thing OFTEN comes and lingers for weeks--lessening over time, but still, I'll be walking down the hall and suddenly--WHAM, I can't see straight.)
And it is made worse by lack of sleep--so much worse.
It's good that DH talked to MIL and she is "saying" she will be compliant. Hopefully so.
Sadly, once MIL is "back to normal" it is very unlikely that SIL will acquiesce to MIL's being placed.....
I hate to pray that SIL doesn't get better....just stays "sick" enough that she will find she simply cannot play nursemaid to MIL any more. And that DH will continue to support a rehab situation and then a NH.
This isn't over by a long shot.
Sounds like the urgency with the urination . is waning some also .. not as many accidents ..
Improvement.
And ...
Sounds like SIL did go visit one of the recommended Rehab sites .. and it sounds like some kinda place. Some big huge complex encompassing AL's . .and Memory Care, and Rehab, SNF .. so forth .. and she said it was very nice, from what she saw of it.
DH has gone up there to relieve SIL .. who is going home, to rest (sounds like her Vertigo returned .. lesser degree . this morning . and she had to go back to the doc for whatever procedure it is that fixes it). She wants to go home and shower/rest/sleep.
DH is going there, to visit . won't be staying the night he said .. unless I guess his mom wants him to . he could .. if that's what she wants, I suppose.
But even better news. DH said he talked to his mom on the phone earlier and said to her: "Now mom . it's gonna be very important that you are agreeable to being discharged to go to a Rehab site . you need the help they can provide there, and you can get stronger there, and they can work with you".
Her response: "Oh I know . and yes, that's what I'm going to do".
So not only is she more oriented .. she's also "willing" to go to Rehab . and there isn't a bunch of pushback on it. Not from SIL . .not from MIL.
Yep .. I realize . this is just another bullet in the kink of the armor of it all . there wil be another and another and another .. of all the maladies and calamities that will go on.
But .. I feel better . at this point . that at least there is agreement to go to Rehab . that has NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE.
Terrible to say, but I think the truth...that if MIL was serious about no intervention, she should have gotten Hospice on board a year ago when you brought up the issue of palliative care a year ago.
But she likely wasn't serious when she said she wanted to die. So few of us do, when it comes right down to it!
I tried to call SIL's cell phone on my drive home from work, no answer. Likely means she was mired in MIL care in some way or hauled off w/MIL to some test/procedure.
I happen to agree with the others here, this likely isn't the demise that will signal her departure from this life. BUT ... it seems like every malady .. chips away at what little functionality she has left .. leaving her more and more frail and compromised . .and I think that'll be the case here.
I don't see what DH sees . .that this is the "end" for her.
What I see, unfortunately, is that she could go on like this for a long time to come .. and varying maladies, falls, etc .. befalling her, to the point she is rendered .. at some point .. wheelchair bound, .. incontinent .. maybe even to the point of some pretty significant dementia. All of it resulting in .. there will be no choice, .. it will be necessary that she lived in a SNF .. and that's the one thing that she would rather die than have to face.
That's the path I see all this taking .. in the end .. she will live on for quite some time to come .. and deteriorating w/each calamity that hits.