I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I only know this because I once had to give mom a shower in the hospital. The elder does NOT need to stand to wash their nether bits. Washcloths and handheld spray do the job nicely.
As DD put it "but when it came to washing her privates area .. she'd not be able to do it, requires that she stand up ... she can't stand and hold on and wash herself too".
FWIW, DD sent me a copy of a long text sent to SIL by her. She imparts to SIL that setting not right for granny .. she needs a nursing home, etc ... that she just isn't able to do what she needs to do and that a SW involvement along with SIL and DH all need to get on that page. That at this point, her safety is far more important than is any facade of so called happiness.
I don't know what response DD got from SIL on this ... if any.
Glad she weighed in.
Supposing it had already been determined that MIL requires personal care assistance, it would be different. An aide would be present with the single brief of getting her thoroughly bathed. But at the moment, the aim is to encourage her to manage her own personal care, while monitoring how well (or not) she is able to do that.
Having had a nice shower and loving care to go with it won't have done her any harm, may have boosted her morale, I hope so. But the word I'd have with DD is that accurate assessment just at this point is more important, so for that reason don't do it again. Not for now, at least.
You are very much like me in that it obviously fills you with anxiety not to have a plan and to see people floundering around when the obvious solutions are staring them in the face! Drives me NUTS!
If I were in your shoes, I'd place a call to the appropriate person there at the facility and give them an earful about what has happened up to this point, MIL's current lack of abilities, what DD witnessed and had to do to help, etc. (I cannot believe staff did not assist with a shower! Sounds like someone didn't want to do their job!)
THIS. IS. RIDICULOUS!
You could, I suppose, call the facility SW/DON today and recount to them the tale of DD helping granny bathe and her "technique" for using the toilet.
You could ask that someone do a thorough assessment of her ADLs so that she gets the proper assistance. At the very least, she needs a shower chair; she'd be able to soap herself then, wouldn't she?
However....what is unknown here is what kind of rehab this is; from what the DON told you the other day "she was placed here knowing what the capabilities are: (or something like that).
It may be that if she's not up to snuff on her ADLs or can't reliably call for help, they will declare that she is unsuitable for their facility and will want to send her elsewhere.
I wonder if SIL ascertained that they take Medicaid-pending patients. You could ask that too.
This whole family--what a bunch of pretenders! I wonder if SIL overstated assets as well as functionality...…..
Instead it got ignored .. and ignored.
Until finally I backed out and told them I am out of any role as c'giver and have done just that.
What you see now . is the mess that is left to those who wish to deny what is the reality of the situation .. and has been for quite some time.
Nobody wants to be the adult in the room, and take action.
The ONLY one who saw this whole scene not thru rose colored glasses .. was me ... and me, the voice of reality .. was too harsh a pill to swallow for those who should act upon it, thus they didn't.
Medicaid applications take a long time. You betcha. An awareness on my part on that, tried to urge, at one time, .. let's get on that, what can I do to help (that's when I was involved). Nope, ignored .. she will manage, the mantra of the day/hour.
So now I watch them all stumble and fumble around .. and SIL having carted her mom to her home in IL .. for several months .. that at our behest .. to get her out of the path of hurricanes .. we live in FL . hurricane season rolls around, . she is far too compromised to be here, to weather such events .. should they become an issue. It was at our behest . .. (mostly me) .. that she was carted outta here, to IL to her daughter's home (much protest from her) .. and there, SIL was going to restore her to more vital functionality.
Only .. go figure .. it wasn't possible. In fact, she got worse.
Why didn't SIL in that setting, see that . and work for placement there?
Oh because the mother so wants to be back in her home, her things, her memories .. and so back they've come to FL. And MIL .. now hospitalized .. (yet again, like the 4th of 5th time in a year) .. with a UTI .. and Diverticulitis flare up ..
And finally, this time, .. finally ...!!!!!.... SIL did .. at this point . wearing down herself from the rigors of her mom's care .. did acquiesce to allowing for discharge to Rehab unit. That's a first. Always before SIL has worked to Rehab her mom .. at home . and visiting HHC coming and going, and SIL would waltz on outta here, at which MIL would dismiss HHC services.
So what you are seeing presently .. is MIL in her first stint at a Rehab stay .. and not too pleased .. wants to go home .. and of course, all the bumping into walls .. as to just how compromised she really is in the end, .. and so now . what to do . what to do .. what to do ...
Gee, who saw that coming?
How she worked purposely to make sure it was a setting that she wouldn't have exposure to those remanded to LTC .. and that dismal scene. As she describes it .. having encountered one other stint (in IL) at Rehab .. arriving there, and folks slumped over in wheelchairs .. not even really aware who/where they are. It was far too dismal to leave her there, .. and she couldn't do it. She purposely visited this site .. to make sure it was suitable . to make sure it wouldn't have the same exposures... made sure it was one of the best.
Did all this .. to at least give her mom some exposure to the fact this is the future .. placement .. and that she can be okay with it. But that her mom is having a pity party that she wants us all to come along with .. and come get her, and take her home.
How to get her mom's brain wrapped around placement.
At least she said she plans to try talk with a SW. We'll see if that goes forward.
Going there with DH .. you saw how that all went. No, let's don't shine a light on any of it .. lest it be seen for what it is .. and then what ..
JEEZE OH MAN!
I did say to DH this morning: "If it were me, I'd be on the phone with them, .. there are two urgent needs, .. they need to assess her ability at ADL's (explained what that is) .. .and the next need .. they need to be doing a cog work up on her (explained what that is) .. and I'd be on that, first thing .. and then be asking to be a part of any meeting that then determines the results of said assessments".
Hold onto your socks, here was his answer: "I don't know that we want to draw attention to all that, .. then what ...???......they find out how bad off she is .. then what?".
I wanted to scream ......
That's why I am having to remind myself far too frequently. APATHY .. you cannot care more than they do . you saw where that got you .. if they don't care .. then you certainly can't either.
GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DH .. just because it gets .. let's cover it up . pretend it's not there . .cuz then what ..???!!!!!!.... doesn't mean it doesn't exist!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!!!
The next logical thing to have said to him was the above .. I didn't bother. The next logical thing to have said to him was .. "ya know, you know it, you've said it .. your sister can't stand up to what should be around the clock care for your mom, 3 shifts .. of 8 hour workers . around the clock . you've said it yourself . that it's too much for her .. so .. help me understand .. what is your thinking here .. we'll just ignore it and not draw the light up to look at it closer .. yea that's the answer .. yea .. she'll just .. magically be restored to functionality somehow in all of this .. is that what you think...????.... no .. ??..... well .. we'll just let SIL stumble thru all this . as best she can . you've said it yourself .. she can't withstand it .. it's too much . what's your answer her, ...???....let's don't shine the light upon that which will then bring forth more quagmire as to what her needs really are .. help me understand how that works for you, how that computes.
I didn't say that to him .. I dropped it. All I can say is there is damn good reason I exited all this. Damn good.
All they can see is at the end of this road is placement in some hellhole Medicaid facility .. where the care will be extremely sub par .. and they don't want that for her.
All they can see is that if God will mercifully come get her and place her on her cloud, that's the answer.
Nobody 'ACTS' ............... nobody "talks".
SIL did .. the other day (whether she will follow thru, I don't know) mention that she wants to talk to the SW there, . to begin talking about .. how to go about getting her mother's brain wrapped around placement .. what to do .. and the ropes there. That she sees it's too much for her. She'd hoped, so hoped, . that in bringing her to IL . she could work with her, to bring about a better standing for her mom. I could've told her .. she so living in Denial . that's not gonna happen. But I haven't ever been listened to. She's done that now, took her to IL . and saw it turned to disaster.
SIL talks of . .not knowing how many good years her husband has left . and this is all so unfair to him. That he has essentially lost his wife to her mom's care (true). That B and M both worry what toll this is taking on her and her health, want her to back away from it and get MIL placed.
But her lamenting .. in phone call to me .. "but .. how to get mother on that page .. she just is so adamantly opposed, .. she just wants to be home ... I wish we could hire around the clock c'givers .. and let her be in her home". That's when I'd responded .. "who is gonna provide the diligence . and vigilance you do .. and for free SIL? I want a home on the French Riviera . and it's not gonna happen for me, that's not realistic". She agreed.
SIL talking, venting her own frustrations in a sense . of how she worked, purposely to make
Sad.
Did she do so in that setting .. utilize that nurse button to call for help if she needed it .. between the hours of say .. 10 PM at night . when SIL would leave her .. and say . 9 or so in the AM when SIL returned again.
I don't know.
I would think that an assessment as to her capabilities would've been required .. and provided by the former setting she was in .. not just by what SIL reports as to her abilities, or lack thereof.
I don't get it.
I don't even know .. just cuz I have no exposure to all this .. (maybe had I stayed mired in it all, I'd have a front row seat to how all this works) .. what WILL a REHAB setting provide in the way of care? Is it assumed she can toilet on her own .. and so .. no assessment as to whether that is occurring without assistance? Is it assumed one can bathe themselves .. and so they are going on the assumption the bath she had (shower) on Saturday was completed by her. It wasn't .. DD bathed her .. does that get reported ..??..... I don't know.
Do they help .. ???.... should these be things they are doing to help her? I don't know.
Some of this .. to me .. very very much wreaks of her loss of executive function ..
In order to get the help one needs, one needs to plan ahead . gee I know they are coming to get me to shower, .. I guess I better talk to them about the fact that my balance is so bad . that I can't possibly do that .. I can't hold on to the grab bar . .and keep myself from falling and have a hand to use a wash rag and soap .. I need to hold on or I'll fall .. I better get that out there, and talked about.
Gee, .. I am really struggling here to get my pants down when I have to go the bathroom .. it's not safe that I lean against the wall with my head as my balance . to keep from falling .. I guess I better talk to them about that and see what they think the best approach is ..
Gee, I'm really struggling here, they tell me that I need to meal plan here . but I just don't understand what to do/how to do it .. I guess I need them to help me with it ..
Folks, it ain't there .. in her brain.
She can't put the dots together to form that process. Thus, the meal planning doesn't get done .. until .. I guess .. DD .. or whoever, is there, discovers that as a need and addresses it. Does not the staff come in and note that . and then offer to figure out why it's a struggle .. and assist .. or .. whatever? I don't know.
Just how much help are they supposed to be providing? I don't know .. I don't know how this all goes.
I guess this week will be somewhat interesting in that M is to come into town (has some business meeting here in the state of FL .. for next week . and so decided to throw a few vaca days in front of it all, and come this way in advance of when she will then depart for her business meeting). M has apparently told .. at great length .. to DD and to DH .. how much she *now sees M in a whole different light* and has no use for her.
If you remember, .. there was a hospitalization in IL . and .. M had gone to see her granny there and I guess .. hit her with "REALITY 101" .. as to what this is doing to her mom and dad . her care .. that it's too much for them .. and that she didn't need to be there, in IL .. and so forth.
MIL . .now .. (where before .. . M and her wonderful life that MIL enjoyed at one time, living vicariously .. as she travels and jet sets and so forth) . now .. M is seen in a whole different "unfavorable" light. MIL having lamented that whole thing to DD and to DH .. that she hopes that M doesn't even bother coming to see her, .. her words, "she's not coming here to see me .. coming to FL to see me, . .she's coming for the sunshine and warmth and whatever she can string together as a good time".
I did ask DD if MIL seems to know how to use the nurse button in her opinion. Her answer: "Yea I think she does . but it just doesn't occur to her to do it".
And of course, I have removed myself from that feature.
Incidentally, he was so outdone with his sister on Friday and her incessant non-stop texting .. I'm not even sure what the onslaught of never ending texts was about. But he was at work, and not responding (which is typical of him) ... and I guess one of the texts was inquiring of him if he was going to see their mom. This, I guess, came in afternoon-ish . and he had his helper take a picture of him in the middle of the quagmire he was working at present and text it to her, .. as to an answer. I guess one was to infer from that picture .. that he is mired in knee deep in work problems and so no, not heading out to see the mom.
His words on it all, Friday evening, .. "I am so over it with her and the whole blowing my phone the h377 up .. I'm busy damnit ....!!!!!!..... I have told her and told her over and over . .this is my life ... this is how it goes for me ... working .. and I don't have time to be as attentive to it all as she does ... and blowing up my phone all day .. she just is gonna get ignored". He was very put out with her.
All I could think (but didn't say it) .. "THANK GOD .. I had the foresight to exit out of all this .. it would've been ME receiving all that litany of texts.
Also bears mention .. I don't know the whole process .. I've yet to go up there to visit her. Friday is when she was admitted there, but I had worked all week and so had a gazillion things to do . before taking on the kiddos for the weekend, . .so I didn't go Friday and then of course, Saturday was the kiddos .. and they were here thru yesterday evening. So I haven't been up there .. and today I have to do some things .. that will negate any ability to go that way. Tomorrow .. I haven't seen my dad and their situation in a week (was working and not able to go visit him) .. and so will go tomorrow to check on and visit with him. Then . on Wednesday perhaps I'll go see her. But usually DD needs me on Wednesdays to get the 5 yo from school .. as they release early on Weds . and that's right in nap time for the twins. So we'll see.
I don't know how all these things work .. but DD also .. as part of her visit there, helped get the meals planned for the next two weeks. I guess that's up to the patient, to choose from a menu or something .. I don't know. She said she took care of that for MIL .. and that MIL hadn't done it .. and that it just seemed to daunting for her. I didn't ask what that process was and why it would be so daunting.
She's not really eating though ..
DH reported she did stab at her b'fast on Saturday morning when he visited .. she did eat some of that. But I guess DD reports her not eating what's brought to her .. or only one or two bites and then she's done . and shoves it away.
Said she did tell her, .. "Granny if you don't eat, your'e gonna get weaker .. and they're not gonna let you out of here". I don't know if that registered or not.
I'm kind of puzzled myself ... as to how it is one gets to a Rehab center and what level of care they need and what's available as to said care. I don't know the ropes on that whole show.
I would've thought there'd of been info provided by the former setting .. a hospital.
But in that setting she was on a bed alarm . and so bathroom .. that was assisted .. anything .. she had to call for assistance. But SIL stayed there with her, going home .. finally the last couple of nights of hospitalization .. late at night . and so I guess ..??.... I dunno ....???..... was MIL capable in that setting of utilizing that nurse
At my mother's NH, there are mostly private rooms. They aren't actually that much more than the semi-private rooms. My mother started out in a double room, but disturbed her roommate so much that my mother got placed in the next available private room (even though her roommate was higher on the waiting list). This facility does take Medicaid, so I'm assuming Medicaid residents also get placed in the private rooms. I don't know. I do know that I would expect the private pay patients to be given priority for the private rooms.
My mother falls a lot in her nursing home -- so far, they have all been "soft" falls. There are partial rails at the top of her bed -- anything more is considered a restraint. What happens at night is that she tries to get up (to go to the bathroom), stands up and then crumples to the floor. She does not remember to press the call button. One time she fell out of her wheelchair reaching for something she'd dropped on the floor.
The latest is that my mother has now pulled out her gallbladder drain/tube (during the night), and so her gallbladder may become infected again, since there are still gallstones in the bile duct and gallbladder. Two of my brothers would not agree to comfort care, so we are at a stalemate. She will be brought to the ER (and was, on Friday, when the PA thought she looked ashen and too somnolent). 9.5 hours of my time and nothing wrong (my mother did wake up). So far no problem with the gallbladder, but the ER doctor told me there was a greater than 50% chance that it would become infected/inflamed again.
All of this is neither here nor there to MIL's issues, but it is just to give you an idea of the amount of involvement there will be by someone even once MIL is placed in a NH. And it's the local someone that is always boots on the ground, if there is a local person. I don't know how people manage all of this long-distance.
And no way is SIL capable of playing hardball to force them to find a suitable setting. She would cave and go get her, bring her home.
And I have mentioned this possibility to DH coupled with the question: "what happens when your sister is now taken down with all this, then what?".
Of course, there goes Dorker and all her "what if's".
No answer from him.
I've said all I can without getting heated and I absolutely refuse to be that vested anymore.
And wake up to: Medicaid placement requirements, dealing w/RM home, and "what's gonna happen to Poochy?"
None of which are your problems, but some of which may require a "bug" in DH's ear at your discretion. Per previous excellent advice.
DH needs to be on the phone first thing tomorrow.
Denial is a powerful force.
SIL is still ill and couldn't take care of her . she isn't able. SIL also . now gives voice to, at least, . reaching out to the SW worker there . and discussion on placement .. (but I don't know how imminent she thinks that can be . and how prepared she is to step up to the plate in the interim). But SIL .. at least for now, seemingly, more aware than has been the case prior . that she can't stand up to the rigors of her mom's f/t c'giver. It's making her sick . seems to now have some realization around that.
As does DH .. he also seems to have some recognition at this point that his mom's care requires more than SIL can stand up to . and needs professional care. How to get there from here .. I don't know that either are prepared .. for the climb up hill that will be, but better get there . as to how it will go.
Also of note, it's reported that MIL pees the bed nightly .. it doesn't awaken her apparently . she only knows this when informed by staff I guess who check on her . and find her wet . her linens wet, etc. . and go about changing things.
Don't know what's at the root of this wetting herself nightly now .. is it a drug she's on ..??...is it some incontinence . some residual effect from the UTI . I don't know . is anyone pursuing it .. ???... I don't know. Apathy, Apathy, Apathy, Apathy, repeat often ..
DD took home . some of MIl's laundry .. not sure what she could've had to launder .. at that point, she'd only been there one day .. but nonetheless .. DD took home some of her laundry to do it for her, and cart it back today. That's right . here she was kid-free . but now .. (of her own doing) waylaid into the elder care things.
So off she went, back there today .. to bring the laundry back .. and spent some time there with her tearful granny .. and a granny that so just wants to go home .. and on and on that went.
But also of note .. her talking of helping her granny to go . .. #2 . on the toilet.
Story on that one .. she was the one to pull down the pants .. and underpants for MIL. I asked (yes in DH's presence . he heard what was said .. and yes it concerns him) .. "She can't pull down her own pants? .. they won't help her with that?".
DD's answer: "Well .. she has this way she does it .. but since I was there, I just helped her and pulled her pants down for her .. but when she's alone .. she leans her head over and braces . to keep from falling by planting her head into the wall .. that's how she braces off so she won't fall .. and then works to pull her pants down .. dangerous as hell . if she fell she'd hit her head on the grab bar there .. not safe . (again she repeats) .. she needs to be in a nursing home . not in a Rehab . that setting isn't right for her".
She then talked of her granny's tears .. and how sad it was to go and leave her, that she really needs someone with her 24/7 .. she's lonely . she's sad/blue .. etc.
All of it . hearing it all .. I'm like over here, . angry .. that SIL has so painted . as her c'giver .. even after I began raising flags in every direction . presenting her as more capable than she really is .. by swooping in and doing every damn living thing for her .. rather than it being seen . just how frickin compromised she really is.
It makes me angry.
But then I remember, .. who is paying the price for that ..??...it ain't you Dorker . you stepped away from it all .. so .. whatever .. let SIL paint whatever pic she wants . she's the one that has to live it, not you.
APATHY ......................... practice Apathy . you can't change it.
This is how she gets her pants pulled down . by bracing her head against the wall .. (her balance is so so so so bad .. it has been . that's nothing new).
No damn flippin wonder SIL wants to stay with her around the clock . .lest a nurse see that this is how bad off she is .. nah . SIL will live/breathe/think .. act, etc .. for her mom . so it's not seen. Create a facade, a charade.
I've been mired in kid care for the weekend (for the most part, DH here to help, thank the heavens). I don't know if I'm a weakling, . and oldster .. or what .. but .. a 5 yo and 2 twenty month olds climbing on everything trying to play kamikaze .. and just all of it. I am so whupped!
I've never cared for orangutans .. but I bet it's similar. Good thing I'm absolutely over the moon about them ... or I might've turned them loose in the wild.
I tell ya what, .. SIL has done her mom a real disservice in all of her charade she's propped up in her living/breathing/walking/thinking for her mom. There isn't a real picture of just how compromised her mom is. Until now .. perhaps .. maybe just maybe.
So . it goes like this.
Yesterday DH went to see his mom, spent most of the morning there, visiting her. Said of her how sad and blue she is . .and she just wants to go home, repeated frequently by her. Him reiterating at each mention .. that's where she needs to be, to get stronger.
Asked him, "did you go over that all important nurse button with her, .. did she "get it"?
His answer: "yes .. I did .. but I'm not at all sure she gets it".
So then fast forward to afternoon. DD (the mom to the kids I was watching) .. she was heading that way to do MIL's hair . curl her hair for her. She arrived there (bless her soul . that she ended up .. here she was kid-free for the afternoon but now waylaid .. of her own doing .. into elderly care .. yes, for the duration of the afternoon). She headed there, .. fully aware .. that was the day they were to give MIL a shower .. and so she was going to do her hair for her, blow dry it, curl it.
Got there, . and she was in the middle of PT.
She remarked .. (we're all familiar with having heard this from MIL) .. as they were walking back to the room .. PT with her . her on the walker, . and she said to the PT guy .. "I tell ya I hope I can get strong enough, this thing (walker) can go in the trash for good".
DD said she and the PT guy .. looked at one another knowingly . that ain't gonna happen. She says that though . not sure what her reality is that she thinks that an ultimate goal. It's not gonna happen.
I guess then .. in a bit it was time for her shower .. now here is where I'm stumped . what do I know of the goings on in these places (not much) .. but .. from what I hear this place is posh .. it's one of the best in the area .. so their care .. I don't think would be suspect .. but what do I know.
So DD describes she has now seen all of granny's bits and bots .. and nether regions . having been the one to wash her .. all of her.
I asked, "You washed her? I thought they were going to wash her?".
Her answer: "the woman said she was to hold onto the bar . and she'd rinse her, but she was to wash herself .. she can't wash herself . she just doesn't have the dexterity to do it . not the balance .. I guess .. left to that set up . what she'd of gotten was a rinse down . nothing more .. so I just took it upon myself to wash her .. and took care of it".
I asked her: "Is that normal? Is that what they DO?".
DD's answer: "Mom it's not a nursing home .. it's a Rehab site .. the assumption there, . unless the person has two broken arms . they can wash themselves .. she needs to be in a nursing home, that's not the right setting for her".
All of this said in DH's presence, and he agrees (will he take action to talk with the powers that be .. to maybe get the door opened . on any further direction . not a chance .. doesn't happen . these people don't plan/talk).
Said of her granny .. that she lamented/cried some .. that she doesn't want to be there, wants to be home.
The ONLY reason . let me repeat that .. the ONLY reason that hasn't happened, .. is because her daughter, SIL . is ill
Evidently, Mil zipped past the first 24-36 hours in rehab without the tearful/angry, pleading/threatening phone call to be taken home.
Could it be that mil actually prefers it in a strange, institutional setting than being at home, micromanaged by Sil?
That’s hard to fathom.
I recall that Jeanne's mom had a private room, because that was what the facility offered. My mom had shared room, but with a bathroom that was just for the two residents in the room. There was adequate closet space; there were curtains that could be adjusted to assure privacy while dressing/changing. The bathing "spa" was just that--a very nice tiled warm shower/bathing room; my mother was always offered the choice of shower or bath and that choice was respected.
We chose this facility based on the fact that mom had funds for at least two years of private pay; they would then accept her as a Medicaid client. What we found was that it really REALLY paid off to be completely honest and open with the hospital discharge folks about what mom's financial situation was. We were able to place her somewhere that she could stay indefinitely.
My experience has also been that the places with the nicest lobbies often didn't provide the best care.
In my state, the children have the power to step in and be named POA, as a group, if that happened, if she hadn't chosen her POA--this is why we already CHOSE ours.
Would it then become a legal thing and she would HAVE to allow the family to step in and take over, whether she likes it or not? I mean, she's really just not going to be allowed to go back home--I think I stated earlier that she's now entered the revolving door of care. She'll be in and out of care facilities and home from now until the end.
No joy in that. I hope SIL and DH find her a long term place she can afford while she's in the rehab. And if it's Medicare, no, it's not going to be posh and lovely, not by a longshot.
Enjoy the kiddoes and have a lovely Sunday.
Just wondering. She doesn't sound very 'with the program'--at all.
Dorker, stay firm in refusing to take Poochy in. As it is, if MIL is placed in a FL NH, someone will be steppin' and fetchin' enough for that. I know, as my mother is now permanently in a NH, and I'm on a short leash with the NH. Every week it's something different. There was an ER visit (unnecessary) just Friday -- I was called away from what I was doing and had to spend 9.5 hours on elder issues. There have been numerous falls (a call every time), calls re "agitation," vaginal bleeding, a multi-drug resistant bacteria scare, more meds to calm her down, etc. One weekend I had to hire an agency to eldersit her at night for four nights -- over $1100 for that (because I refuse to do it, even for my hourly rate -- I got reimbursed for hiring the agency). I am pressured to put her on "comfort care" measures, and two of my three brothers don't agree (yet...). And this is supposedly one of the best NHs in the area.
I'm not saying YOU will be the stepper and fetcher if MIL is in a FL NH, just that someone will be. Not everything can be done long-distance. So stand firm on refusing to take care of Poochy. We all know what THAT routine with the dog is like -- up multiple times a night to let him out????
In finance and investing ( my other passion) we often point out to folks that the "historical" performance of a stock or fund only tells you about past performance, not about what is going to happen in the future.
In the past, SIL, MIL and DH said and did all kinds of stupid stuff.
But things have changed, and only because you stepped back and allowed them to experience mom's decline for themselves. The house of cards tumbled because YOU stopped propping it up.
Things that were dismissed in the past (rehab) are now happening.
The fact that SIL once said something should not, imo, keep you from pointing out what the next logical step should be, especially to DH.
You have shown that you are strong enough to weather their withering or angry remarks because you KNOW that you are right and that MIL can no longer be safe in her ramshackle home without 3 shifts of caregivers, and not even then during hurricane season.
So go ahead, tell them what they need to do next. The worst that can happen is that they'll ignore you.