I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
SIL not free on that day to go and look at the site .. even tho Jessica recommends .. because MIL at this point, laying in the ER .. and the findings there . and then to be admitted for what would be the next day as to surgery . (yesterday).
I'm not going on my own .. Nobody has asked me to .. but I'm not going to even if asked. I will go with, if you'd like, but I am not going on my own, to have MIL land in some place they then find fault with . and at the feet of my input .. no thanks.
But so .. couldn't go yesterday to view this other arm of FP . because .. MIL .. post-surgery .. and out of it mentally most of the day . and so .. couldn't leave her.
So we settled we'd meet there this morning at 10 .. and I got .. behind the scenes . just for her to have a visitor . help if needed with eating (as DH terms it .. she can't feed herself right now, her hands tremble so badly . and she's so weak) .. so .. if needed church lady can feed her, her b'fast . .and .. then pastor is coming . and so we've got company for her .. so let's go this morning then.
So we met this morning at that other arm of FP. Liked it, etc.
The director who walked us around, .. about as friendly as a post btw .. was very clear that she'd walk us around .. she knew the case, .. has been in touch w/her former co-worker . SW Jessica on this case . .and so aware of who we are, and the significant points thereof .. was very clear with us that she didn't know if what we were hoping to achieve would be achievable at all .. but .. was working it behind the scenes to see. Walked us all around.
At the end, . .she mentioned the forms they'd need completed .. so they can be submitted . .and consideration be given etc.
Says she's already emailed the forms to SW Jessica (who btw, was to leave town Thurs .. for the weekend . some conference out of town) .. and so she'd already emailed the needed forms to Jessica yesterday . but Jessica out of the office . and so no one seems to really know if Jessica is still "on it" .. or if she's out of reach . sent the forms yesterday to Jessica .. via email, but hasn't heard back from Jessica.
SW now asking if they are forms that she herself can complete and get submitted. Director at this other arm of FP .. "yes . probably if you have your mom's info . most of it you can probably do, I'll print them out for you, if you want to have a seat in our library and work on them . and then hand them back to me, we can go ahead and get the process a little further down the road . with those forms completed".
I asked of the director, .. "So where are we with all this , who is the decision maker in all of this . you mentioned that you'd need to see if you can get a Medicaid Waiver approval for her to stay on here .. and that she can certainly come here for her Rehab if she wishes . but that whether she stays or not . that has to be determined . who decides that . is that your administrators or who".
Answer by Director for FP: "That would be our Financial Affairs office, .. they're going to have to look at it all and make a decision".
Me: "Oh okay ..".
So we step over into what is their library area, . and SIL begins with the forms . much like she'd already completed for the atty office . but then hits a snag of sorts in pondering whether to complete some of it . or defer to the atty's office . as to their expertise .. and I concur . ask her to call them . get their take on it ..
She does so . talks to a para legal there familiar with our case . and is advised that they should probably be the ones to do so . and that we can go track down that director and see if she'll email the forms to her . since Jessica is away out of town at the moment, and she'll be glad to see what she can do and get them completed and sent back to that director today ..
We look at the forms some more, . notice there are places requiring signature ..
SIL is in fact, a signor . as POA on some old dated POA that was done way
So first, I think DH was able to put the kabash on any so called "discharge" for MIL today . .that and SIL's brief phone call to the case manager.
So then I set out to meet SIL at the place we were hopeful could be Rehab then transition into what would be her Purgatory .. and who knows .. maybe even her final landing place, if it worked out that way that'd be great.
This place, interestingly enough is another "arm" if you will of the Fancy Pants umbrella. Fancy Pants AL that we visited .. and wondered would it even be possible for MIL to hang with the rigors there (diminishing hope of that ever being possible at this point, severed almost . as to any hope). But they have other arms of their care .. under their wide corporate umbrella. They have SNF/Rehab part of that setting .. (in another location . .where we went today) . they have MC .. another setting ... also on the grounds of where we went today (Where we'd gone before to view their AL .. a totally different location).
So we get there, get the grand tour . and it looks suitable .. wow . this might be a great plan .. if she can go there to continue on her rehab path, then wait out her Purgatory there .. and hey who knows . maybe this is forever place .. we'll see .. but looks suitable .. and farther away than "We Are Family" .. and definitely .. most definitely FP AL is off the list .. and so maybe this will work.
We also have a site B .. but that's a site (just like "We are Family") with lots of .. oh that dreaded term . .Slumping .. That one . site B .. it has a lot of cognitive impairment as does We Are Family .. among the population but it's also on the list . and in fact, .. it could be that site would (Site B) .. maybe allow for her to rehab there, and then Purgatory and then .. final home .. so we have that in consideration also.
But this other arm of FP .. looked to be more to our liking .. so we thought . well maybe this would work out.
Now we had been told by Medicaid Betty as to this other arm of FP . that she works with these folks, .. they aren't gonna let you do Medicaid Pending there (that's why we never looked at that site .. and with any hope of going there for Purgatory). Medicaid Betty big on .. "I work with all these folks . they are gonna require that you do two months of self-pay there . they aren't gonna take Medicaid Pending.
Thus we never even looked at it at all.
BUT ...
SW from atty office, who was . incidentally on her way with atty to go visit MIL/meet her, on Wednesday morning, POA . and assessment, etc, when MIL fell and broke her hip. SW Jessica .. she was big on wanting us to check this place out .. at FP .. as to her rehabbing there, and possibly even Purgatory for her, . and if she ends up staying as her forever SNF . so be it. But SW Jessica big on wanting us to do that, go check it out.
We explained .. "We haven't even talked to them, . .Medicaid Betty says (SW Jessica knows and works with Medicaid Betty . in fact, Medicaid Betty is the whole reason we ended with that atty's office, her recommendation) . Medicaid Betty tells us they aren't gonna do Medicaid Pending there .. that we'd need to self pay.
Jessica: "Yea .. I talked to them already and explained it all .. I used to work there, I worked there 9 years as their SW . so I know all of them .. their director is working on getting a Medicaid Waiver to see if we can do that . she'd definitely be able to go there for her Rehab if you guys want . and we're working on seeing if we can get a Medicaid Waiver for her to be able to stay there .. so go look at it".
This conversation transpiring between Jessica and SIL on the day that MIL fell and broke her hip . and SIL not free on that day to go
It was exactly this that very nearly broke this camels back. And mind.
Its started with The Fall. The Game Changer. What followed was 47 - count ‘em - 47 straight days of one or more phone calls.
The hospital, the rehab, moms doctor, random doctors, the pharmacy, mom, my brother, friends of my mothers, moms IL... on and on and on. And yes, I did actually begin counting the days in this stretch of hell - out of curiosity, out of disbelief, out of self-pity.
Shortly after mom had been admitted to rehab - and she had finally calmed down - dh and I decided to go through with one of our two yearly three-day weekends to the coast. The ONLY time we ever take away from home - away from Rainman - all year.
Mom had FINALLY quit with her hysterics so - we THOUGHT we were good to go. I told everyone where we’d be and stressed DO NOT CALL me unless it’s a real emergency. Know how many phone calls I got in a 48 hour period? FIVE!!! My brother, my mother and the rehab. None of which came even close to being an emergency. Absolutely nothing that could not have waited until I was back.
For effs sake - my mother didn’t even know or have my cell number. But my first day home when I went to visit - I saw that some ever so helpful individual had written down my cell number on my moms dry erase board. I swear, I thought my entire brain was going to hemorrhage.
I think it was somewhere in the middle of my 47 days that I began to get physically ill whenever my phone rang. The clenching of my stomach as I - filled with dread - looked at the caller I.D.
Of course, I ALWAYS answered, the well trained and dutiful daughter that I was. And I hadn’t yet discovered this site - where once I did - learned that it was okay not to answer the phone.
But honestly, even though I eventually learned that I didn’t have to answer - just hearing the phone ringing was damage enough. That’s when my mind kicked in with the wondering... “Is it a real emergency this time”, “Did mom fall for real”, “Is mom at the ER?”, and of course “Is mom dead?”
To to this day - 2 1/2 years after The Final Phone Call - my stomach still clenches up with the ringing of the phone.
Of course, BF was no way capable of caring and rehabbing her during her recovery, so DH and I naturally stepped up. I came home from the hospital, having left the visit with her hooked up on an IV, not standing at all, a bit delusional, only to receive a call from the hospital that she was being discharged in 2 hours! I couldn't believe it, but DH and I jumped into action, rushing out to buy a single bed for the downstairs tv room (no way she could go upstairs). I had just put on the bed linens when the ambulance pulled up and they brought her in on a stretcher! She still had the IV in, and was quite confused and crazy-talking. We were told to expect 2 daily visits to administer her IV and meds, given a porta-potty for next to the bed, and they put her in the bed.
DH had 2 heart attacks in 2 weeks. First one SHOULD have killed him, but it didn't. They placed 4 stents, put him on like 7 news meds and sent him home the next day. Do you think for one SECOND I had any training or knowledge as to how to care for this new animal? No I did not.
2nd heart attack--fixed one stent and added more meds to the mix and sent him home within 24 hours. (on my birthday--I BEGGED them to keep him one more day, please, oh, please, I haven't had a "good birthday" in years..) but he was sent home, angrier and sicker than after the first heart attack.
The reasoning behind this: we fixed him, now he's YOUR problem. I was planning to have him go to rehab facility b/c he is non compliant in his own rehab (sad that I even have to know that about him)..but there was no time to even find a SW to talk to.
It's like there is a one size fits all plan for recovery. No way can MIL go 'home' for at least another day!
I'm so sorry for y'all that this is going down the way it is. The cloud is descending--and all you guys can really do is try to keep one step ahead of the bureaucracy that looms everywhere.
Now that MIL will be wheelchair bound, for the most part...she is really going to hate any place you find for her. She is now going to be one of the "slumpers" she so maligns.
All of you guys need to be getting good sleep, nobody should be sleeping at the hospital or rehab center. Keep eating good food, take a walk each day and find a good book to keep you grounded during the long boring hours sitting vigil with MIL.
And, BTW, MIL calling OD and making her dig into her psyche for, what? help? Love of heaven, OD has had problems her entire life, MIL has a bad day ( and yes, it was BAD) and she's leaning on the ONE PERSON she should leave alone. OD does not need 'triggers'. Just goes to show her Narc behavior is still well with you all.
Hope and prayers that you can find an appropriate placement for MIL. Likely this will be the last move she makes in her life (except for the routine ER runs..she is going to keep falling, I think everyone can agree on that).
~MIL to sweet nurse this morning.
I would help you breathe, too, Dorker, but I know you are already smart enough and experienced enough in the emergency vortex to take time to relax as you need to:)
The phrase I would use if I were SIL or DH talking to staff is that her responses to questions are often highly inaccurate and then give them some of the worst examples you can think of, no matter when they happened.
My MIL, for example, could have 3 broken ribs and say she was fine, she would say she had eaten when she hadn’t or vice versa, she would tell the staff she could use the call button, walk to the bathroom, or whatever thing they assumed she could do because she was still considered “competent”.
I would not be surprised if she told multiple people there she feels well enough, she has people to help her, she can handle her meds, and all she wants to do is go home.
That may be what they are working off of for discharge. I would be telling nurses, doctors, SW, PT, OT, even the CNAs that there is no where for her to go if they discharge her. No where. That you (SIL or DH) are shocked they would be discharging someone this ill to no care at all. Doesn’t that set the hospital up for lawsuits?
That should set a fire under someone’s butt;)
I wonder if MIL has told the staff that she will be going home? And sometimes the therapy folks (not that MIL has had any therapies yet in the hospital) say things to the patient like, "We're going to get you strong enough to GO HOME!"
I heard this from the therapists to my mother. They should watch their language, as my mother was NOT going to go home for rehab. No way.
Let us know how today goes, Dorker!
With a proper POA in place, discharge knows they need to talk to the POA to discuss discharge.
Did anyone speak to the surgeon yesterday? Did anyone proactively talk to discharge planning? I understand that SIL was working the phone talking to rehab sites, but discharge needs to be in that loop. Can DH help out with that?
He'd arrived there for a visit and to help his mom with the breakfast tray (she's not eating good .. hasn't been for weeks) ..
And he was the one that sounded the alarm .. talk .. from staff there, .. discharge today.
WTH?
Why would any clear thinking .. (I would presume medical staff to be clear thinking . but maybe I'm wrong) . why would anyone clear thinking .. think that's gonna be viable. She is not even . not at that point .. 24 hours post surgery .. and hasn't seen any PT personnel .. and they say that?!?!?!??
Sheesh!
Yes, 8 in the morning when all this began to bust loose here.
What happens if you all leave your phones turned off until a civilised hour? They can't discharge her without family input, so how about making yourselves scarce?
DH up at the hospital to visit his mom before going to work, texts me:
DH: "They are all talking discharge today .. where is mother going, back to the Rehab site she was in? Or to that one that you and SIL are going to look at, what?
Me: WTH? No, .. they can't discharge today . no .. wait . let me get ahold of SIL . she has the case manager's phone # there at the hospital . let me get her on it.
Call SIL who can't seem to get up each morning and do what normal people do, take a shower, eat a bowl of breakfast cereal and get dressed and go on with her day for putting out a fire in one direction or another.
SIL: "No, . what the h377? No, . .she hasn't even seen a PT yet . how can they be talking about discharging her, .. where are they thinking they're gonna send her?!?!?!?, .. Damnit . wait let me get out to the car in the garage, my black bag that has all the important phone nos, . it's in the car, hold on .. ".
In the meantime, I'm trying to call DH back . he doesn't answer his phone ..
I text him: "This talk of discharge . is this coming from MIL or from staff . need to know before we set off a fire alarm .. and get this looked at".
He texts back: "It's coming from staff, .. I've gotten it stopped .. I'm on it".
Next text from him: "She's still really confused .. but no . it wasn't her, it was staff saying all this'.
Tell this to SIL when she returns to the phone . she says:
SIL: "Damnit why does every morning start out with a fire alarm .. ok, well I'll just put in a quick call to the case manager . and let her know there had been some discussion there about discharge today . and let her know, we don't even know where she's to be sent at this point, and I'll see you at the Rehab site . where we are to meet, see you at 10".
Every morning seems to start out with a fire drill . for SIL.
As she put it .. "if people would do their damn jobs . then I wouldn't have to have a damn heart attack every morning .. ".
Once that fog lifted a bit and her referring to the visit by OD the other day. And her words:
MIL: I had wanted OD to come and sit and talk with me, .. you know I am not a doom and gloom sort of person . but you know this has all taken me to a really dark place .. a place of doom and gloom and that's not me . and I know that OD .. has periods where she really gets into dark places .. and you know with her, you always worry that one of these days, she'll take her own life .. you just worry with her problems that might be what happens to her . and so I just wanted to talk to her .. and talk about all that. I am in a very very dark place these days .. this is all so bad .. so so bad... it's all so hopeless ..
Me: "Yes I know OD has some dark times she struggles with".
MIL: "Well I'm here to tell you I am in that same kind of place, so I had wanted to talk to her about all that".
I guess in the end, .. OD .. and MIL .. alone ..visiting .. that OD did impart to her a couple of times (graphically .. ) that she has been in those places .. those recesses of her own mind and plotted her own demise . and how it would happen.
I don't know how helpful that is to MIL . if any. And I wish that I could put a governor on OD . and make her understand . that kinda talk . .is not gonna be helpful in all this . but I've never been successful in "governing" OD in any way shape form .. and her
actions/spoken word, etc.
Oh well, for whatever that's all worth.
But DH came in last night from there, stayed til about 9:30 when he was thrown out . he and OD who'd also come for a visit with her S/O. Thrown out by MIL . about 9:30 or so. DH reported her to be kinda agitated and angry . and just .. a lot confused still . and .. that she just said (she wasn't ugly about it) they had to go, this is all too much .. I just can't anymore, just you all have to go ..
She was still disoriented .. confused some .. as the night waned on, but MIL had em leave.
I coughed all night long and got little sleep . and am congested . so I guess I've caught something from the g'kids or maybe from being in and out of the hospital and rehabs . .who knows . or maybe from SIL. But am to go meet SIL at 10 . and go take a look at a site that we would hope would work as far as the Rehab site that then transitions to the Medicaid Pending site . thus she wouldn't have to move . .and I guess . if she stays there beyond as her final destination .. I dunno, we'll see. It's a Rehab/SNF ..
I think FP .. is kinda . that's off the list. I guess one could hold out a sliver of hope (and that's all it is, a sliver) .. that she could some how bounce up from this . and dance a jig and be just fine and dandy and FP . .would be grand. The likelihood of that, .. almost non existent.
Going to meet SIL and us take a tour thru that site. One other that we were recommended to go look at, we may do so, but Medicaid Betty cautions .. "I know those folks . they won't take Medicaid Pending there .. she'd have to move . yes she could go there for Rehab . but when it gets to be Medicaid Pending . they'll require self pay for her to stay there .. so don't bother, trust me".
So we may cross that 2nd site and a tour there, off the list to go look at.
I orchestrated yesterday afternoon that .. in the absence of DH .. who will be at work (he has incidentally gone there right now, before work) .. and our absence there, . SIL nor myself will be there .. as we're going to look at Rehab sites A and possibly B .. but I got ahold of church lady who had expressed she'd like to come visit .. when it's workable for all of us and what's on the docket as to MIL's requirements there. Got ahold of the church lady and explained the above, that none of us would be able to be there, and would she come at this specific time .. so she wouldn't be alone and have a visitor . she agreed to do so. The pastor and his wife, the same . coming a bit later.
And .. yea, .. I'd thought .. "well she was hospitalized last time for UTI/Diverticulitis .. directed to Rehab .. where she was when this hip break occurred . and .. so this is a different occurrence, so now she's lined up to start the Rehab path all over again .. with her ins. bene's".
Not exactly.
Case manager explaining yesterday that in order to start all over again, she would've had to have been discharged . from PT for 60 days ... "THEN" it can be a new occurrence.
But in any event, her insurance/supplement that pays an add'l 80 days of Rehab over and above what Medicare paid, at 21 days or whatever it was. She was a few days into that 80 days . and so now is still in that block of time .. and no .. doesn't start all over as to her bene's for Rehab.
I can't even envision it, so it's helpful here, to hear of others who've had this same thing with their elderly LO . .that they rehab back. She so frail, .. so broken .. that she can even manage to get up on her two wobbly legs and make any progress at all. I can't even picture it. But I guess they do, .. from what I read here.
DH has left early this morning to go check on her, and help her with her b'fast try (he was there when dinner tray was brought yesterday and tried to help her .. and she isn't eating .. not really .. only a bite or two and then she doesn't want anymore). Going to try to help with the b'fast try this morning . and check on her, then on to work.
I did ask him.. "do we need to be talking to the powers-that-be .. ya know Hospice is an option .. is that something we need to think about presenting". His answer: "I don't think as bad as is it all is .. she doesn't want to die .. don't think".
She'd sought out . in her foggy brain state the other day, .. OD. OD who had been informed by me, of the goings on (this occurrence I'm referring to happened while at posh rehab site . before broken hip). She'd sought out ... "Where is OD .. I don't hear anything from her, .. is she okay .. I sit up here with nothing but time on my hands and I worry about her, I haven't heard anything from her, .. I just wonder if everything is okay with her .. you know .. she's got so many problems with mental illness, your mind takes you to dark places .. of what might've happened that we don't hear from her, does she even know what's happened here with me".
Me answering: "Yes, you know OD . she knows .. I've told her, but that's her .. that's how she is".
I guess MIL got on it (for me, it'd just be a matter of calling her from the memory bank of phone nos in my head. Not so with MIL .. those phone nos in your head, . long gone .. in fact, the list of important phone nos. kept at her bedside for her .. also long gone .. as to her memory bank that the list sits right there beside her.
MIL called here the other day . at our house .. I guess that list of phone nos that sits there beside her on the table, . maybe she picked up up and saw the house phone no, here . and called here. It was the day that I was here watching the two girl g'kids . while DD took the boy g'son . to speech therapy.
She was . on her mind . wanting the phone # to OD . wanted to reach out to her .. and so she was given that phone #. In the meantime .. SIL aware her mom was on that train of thought, .. also reached out to OD . and asked that she call or visit MIL.
OD did so, that afternoon.
So I found it kind of interesting in the MIL visit yesterday .. post surgery .. and once the fog began to lift .. and her a little more oriented now (she was WHOA .. confused and disoriented most of the day) .. but once that began to lift a bit ..
Some people won't allow their loved ones to stay overnight in the hospital by themselves. When my mother was hospitalized for 17 days/nights, I spent the day there, but did NOT stay overnight. None of my brothers saw fit to come down and do mother-duty, so I didn't, either. I thought that being there during the day was enough.
I'm assuming this hip surgery will mean 3 for more days in the hospital and trigger another rehab stay? SIL is so wise to look for a rehab place where MIL can transition right to LTC.
No guilt, no discussion, no you will not be volunteering to stay the night. The power of Shtum!
Hope MIL's quickly feeling more comfortable and more like herself. Best thoughts to all of you.
In AL we got Mom one the pendants that detects a fall and automatically calls for help without her having to press a button. It did minimize the time before she was discovered on the bathroom floor with a broken hip.
Later, in MC, we bought a bedside fall mat which was slid under her hospital bed during the day and pulled out at night. And we requested her hospital bed be lowered at night. That worked, but Mom still sustained a nasty head wound falling forward out of her wheel chair -- twice, before Hospice ordered a different type of wheelchair.
Just very hard to prevent falls and injuries in the very old.
After 13 years living in our home, we hit our breaking point with My FIL "Mr Grumpy" and he went into a nicw little AL place, only a few blocks from our house. It was time, and suprisingly he didn't really even fight us on the decision, even though for thoes entire 13 years he swore he would never go to AL or NH, and that he had every intention of dying right there in his bedroom or TV room, apparently we had zero say in the matter.
So after 10 or 11 weeks in AL, of which he suprisingly adjusted pretty well considering, (well Hubby was there every single day a time or 2), he fell late at night and was not discovered until about 1pm the next day by my husband (remember this is AL, not NH, so there is no guilt on the AL place), so you never do know, of course FIL did choose not to have a personal alarm since there were 2 pull strings in his apartment, just not where he could reach one, sheesh!
It was the beginning of the end for him btw, where they dx'ed him with Pneumonia and his Lung Cancer was discovered, then a move back home with us for Hospice and 9 weeks later he was gone. Most definately he had early to mid level Dementia
Life is very unpredictable for the weak frail and over 80 set.
I'm glad to hear that your MIL's surgery was sucsessful, and let's hope she is up and around and willing to work hard in her recovery going forward. Man, you guys must be Exhausted!
That is pretty much what I use to tell my mom when she was insisting I rent her an apartment for her - and her little cat - to live alone.
Mom would say “I can fall in a nursing home just as easily as I could fall in an apartment.”
”True”, I’d reply “But how long you would lay there waiting for someone to find you and scoop you up off the floor would be very different”.
And yes the freight train barrels onward to placement. Wouldn't be on this page but for SIL is absolutely worn to a nub, truly, through and through.
She who used to waltz into town every few months, stand on her head, twirling 40 plates with her toes, literally doing e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g and then some in her periodic visits, for her mom.
I guess fate said "alright sista, gunna pour it on ya and around ya .. for months and months and there will be no waltzing away and directing from afar ... watch this!"
Out of the last year or so, her mom's welfare has been solely her's to manage.
She can't do it anymore. She knows it/owns it.
She's doing the loving, responsible thing, finally. Working her butt off to find suitable placement within the limitations available.
If MIL should be absent minded and decide she's going to get out of bed...attempt to do that, the alarm sounds and audible reminder, better not do it.
I'm glad the surgery went well, Dorker.
Far as I'm concerned, she is on a bed alarm . she is now more oriented than what was seen most of the day with her . and so . if she needs someone to sit with her o'nite . then . that's a matter needing discussion with med staff .. as to it's necessity. Outside of that, not throwing my hand up to volunteer.
And .. better yet . who better to own it .. as to what's needed than her son and her daughter both. Not me.
Asking of SIL .. as she lamented the whole thing, whether to stay or not, "Why? What is it you think is gonna happen .. what do you think you're staying here is gonna achieve, other than to further wear you out".
Her answer: "Well . .she might try to get out of bed".
Me: "She has a bed alarm . she won't try long . the pain she'll feel will negate any attempt to get out of bed".
Her: She might get lonely
Me: "She's not going to have that going forward SIL . someone to sit with her . day in and day out .. we live here . yes . but we aren't going to be there all day everyday . .and into the night ..
Her: You're right, I'm my own worst enemy
Me dropping it at that point.
Ultimately she did leave, to go home and find a "normal" for a minute!
To take a shower, . .wash some clothes .. cook some dinner, .. etc.
Called DH to ask if he thinks she needs to come back to spend the night and no, he doens't think that's necessary. He is still there . said he'd likely stay til 9'ish . and then leave. But that she's more oriented now . and .. not trying to think she needs to get up and go to the bathroom . .and get up because she's *useless*.
So .. SIL is not returning for the night, but she's also very on edge about that ..
But that still doesn't make me want to put on that hat, and take that off of her, and run on down there, to sit for the night.
BUT WHOA ................ the disorientation (to be expected). But just wow.
She kept asking .. even though assured repeatedly .. "is my leg going to be okay .. will I ever be able to walk again".
She was so out of it .. so much so that it was almost worrisome that she was that far gone .. hoping things normalize (well, .. back to her normal at least).
By the time I left this afternoon late .. she was beginning to lift out of the foggy brain. Thankfully.
And speaking of Boundaries learned.
I am patting myself on the back, truly am.
No one has asked me . .but I sure haven't stepped up either, and thrown my hat into the ring.
SIL laments A LOT (she got there bright-thirty this AM . when they called and said they were taking her now for surgery . .was supposed to have been an afternoon surgery but it got bumped up . in lieu of someone else who got cancelled). SIL had flown out the door . yet again .. to head to the hospital, so she'd been there all day.
DH . had planned to go .. later .. for the "SCHEDULED" afternoon surgery . but of course, see above, that got upended. He didn't come until afternoon.
I got up there about lunch time, about the time she was being wheeled back into her hospital room from recovery.
SIL on the phone .. out of the room a lot . working the angle as to the case manager .. and trying . if it can be possible .. can we land her, for Rehab . .at where she can also transition into Medicaid Pending . and not have to move. So her working that angle, on the phone with two different sites and their administrators . and on the phone with the case manager, and Medicaid Betty ..
And so I stayed in the room. MIL needed her hospital gown pulled back up off of her shoulders, . I did it. She needed some crushed ice spoon fed to her, I did it. She needed her blankets re-adjusted .. I did it. She was beginning to feel uncomfortable, (pain) .. I notified the nurse (who had asked we do so, as she'd only had Tylenol on board). Just various things helping MIL with and allowing SIL the latitude to step out of the room and work the phones.
MIL asking .. "I'm gonna need to get up to go to the bathroom I feel sure". Asking this repeatedly . . and my reminding her, . REPEATEDLY . "No .. you have a catheter remember? .. they don't want you out of bed right now, they'll come get you up later, but not right now". MIL asking repeatedly .. "Can I Just get up . and go sit in that chair .. I don't want to just lay here . I feel so useless". Reminding her REPEATEDLY ........... "No, they don't want you to get up right now". MIL asking repeatedly .. "Why do I feel so confused . I can't even keep a train of thought". Reminding her REPEATEDLY . "you just had surgery, remember, ..??... you broke your hip .. no you can't get up right now".
SIL in and out of the room .. working the phone a lot.
So . in the afternoon about the time DH showed up . SIL announces she's going to go home and cook some dinner, spend some time with B.. and then begins to ponder . should she come back . should she spend the night .. etc. This gets bandied about, . she asks of DH . but also answering her own question at the same time, .. "But you have to work tomorrow" .... inquiring if he's gonna stay the night ..
Over and over this goes on.
I stood up and said my g'byes . and left.
Nobody asked me to stay the night . but there was a time . when no one asked me to do anything . but I volunteered . and got myself into the pickle I ultimately ended up in.
I am patting myself on the back for the boundaries learned. It's not even a consideration on my part.
SIL, you're worried she shouldn't be left alone o'nite .. then . work it out with your brother, or you stay and find a way to "sit" with her being alone .. I'm not throwing my hand up to volunteer to do it.