I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
#1. DO NOT let MIL be discharged on a weekend unless you are 3000% comfortable that every piece of necessary paperwork is in order and in the hands of the decision-makers and unequivocally approved. My sister and I thought we had everything worked out and approved (and this didn't even involve Medicaid) when our 91 YO Mom had her first horrible fall/surgery/rehab experience. We were assured by the Rehab center that she was approved, everything's in order, they will send their transport bus to the hospital to bring her to Rehab.
So the hospital discharges Mom at 10AM Sat. Mom is in a wheelchair, sister with her in the lobby of the hospital, waiting for transport, when sister gets a call on her cell from Rehab: Sorry, we can't accept Mom, there's a missing signature from insurance co. 6 hours of hell trying to get someone eligible to sign on a Saturday. By now, 91 YO Mom has been sitting in a wheelchair for 8 hours in hospital lobby. Took 4 more hours for Rehab to actually transport her. Unbelievable totally beauracratic, unnecessary, hugely emotional and harmful Medicare nightmare. Point: Those nice, helpful people you deal with during the week? Yeah, they only work M-F. You are on your own on weekends. SIL needs to wave that POA, push back and say NO WAY to any weekend release of MIL.
#2. Re: Falls and the elderly. Everyone is correct. It really can't be prevented and will happen. My personal experience is that, regardless of cognitive impairment, there's a lifetime of " muscle memory" that takes over: In these elderly people's minds they have done these things all their lives so of course they can still do them now. So, without thought, they launch themselves out of the wheelchair bcuz the bathroom door is only 6' away.....of course they can walk there on their own.....they always have: true story with my Mom. I vividly recall our many conversations after Mom's many, thankfully not "broken bones" falls, becuz of this very act.
Luckily my Mom did adjust to her compromised mobility......eventually. I wish you and yours the best, Dorker. Mostly, I wish you perseverance becuz, almost certainly, this is just the beginning.
“So we’re suppose to accept substandard care for MIL for which reason - because she is old or because she doesn’t have money?”
Lastly - AFTER mil is tucked back into her posh rehab bed, ask for a meeting. Demand it if you have to. Start with something along the
line of “So, the hospital documented and informed us that at the time of MILs admission there - she was dangerously dehydrated... most
likely causing her to be weaken and dizzy - causing her fall. Which as you know, resulted in a broken hip. We want to know what YOUR PLAN is to ensure she does not become dehydrated again?”
Take a member for your Attorney Team. Introduce them by name and of XYZ firm - Attorney’s at Law. Lord knows - your paying them enough!
My Maternal Grandmother also had no cognitive decline but after a knee replacement acted very bizarre after surgery.
Both Dad and Maternal Grandmother were given something for sedation or to aid sleep. In both cases the meds just made matters worse.
My Mom who did have a type of Dementia when put under anesthesia for a procedure to fix a dislocated thumb was fine. No exasperated effects. But she was in ERs often for falls and always became agitated unless my sister or I were there.
I would never discount the possibility of a UTI. Unless a urine culture had been done and the CORRECT antibiotic was on board. UTIs require specific antibiotics for different bacteria’s involved.
I hate this for you guys. It’s all so frustrating and exhausting. I am glad DH stayed with MIL tonight. SIL really does need to rest or she’s going to end up in the hospital also.
“During illness, hospitalization, or recovery from surgery or stroke, many people experience delirium, a rapidly developing and severe confusion accompanied by altered consciousness and an inability to focus.
It's the most common complication of hospitalization among people ages 65 and over: 20% of those admitted to hospitals, up to 60% of those who have certain surgeries, and almost 80% of those treated in ICUs develop delirium. When hospital delirium isn't recognized, it can hinder recovery. Prolonged delirium is associated with poor long-term outcomes (mental and physical) and a higher mortality rate.”
But .. I also know . from having had OD eons back . break her elbow and her ankle in one fell swoop .. jumping from the top of the pool slide, into the pool. Only she didn't make it into the water . hit the decking .. concrete .. around the pool. Excruciating pain. Morphine drip started in the ER. She got some pretty bad tremors . and I remember the ER staff telling me that Morphine can do that.
MIL was getting Morphine in the ER . .for pain and yes, had those horrible tremors. But in her, the tremors remain .. her hands so shaky. No morphine on board at this point . but I suspect maybe some other narcotics for pain relief, but I don't know.
Your MIL is behaving just like my mom did in the hospital, but Mom did come out of that - back to her previous state. In the hospital, though, she went into a wild anxiety state at night and even called 911 from her hospital bed phone to come rescue her. She would also beg the nurses to call me, and they did several nights around 2AM - and I would talk her down and explain where she was, and soothe her to go back to sleep and tell her everything is OK.
All the new drugs they introduce to them in the hospital - I suspect they really mess with the mind. Even my young daughter had her moments after her surgery and took a while to come fully back to normal. I suspect it was the morphine for both my DH and my daughter.
She's been on an IV antibiotic as they'd seen in chest xray ever so slight shading perhaps slight pneumonia. SIL says probably just the Histioplasmosis coloring the chest xray.
But in any event probably not UTI with antibiotic ongoing.
I'll head up there tomorrow AM and clock in for a little bit ...DH has to work so I'll go relieve him from over nite duty <over nite duty I don't necessarily agree with>.
One thing that became clear each time my mom was hospitalized was that the staff had NO idea what her previous level of functioning was. So they assumed that what they were seeing was normal and typical for mom.
It became clear to us that the important thing was not so much being there for mom. It was to alert staff about changes in her mental status, energy level, motivation and the like.
This was in a nursing home in a rural area with mostly Medicaid beds. I would thank them - and because a small rural community most of them had grandparents or great-grandparents who knew my dad - so it seemed like extension of family.
With the right and accurate assessment of cognitive abilities - your MIL will be placed appropriately. My dad, angry as all get out about nursing home, liked his caregivers. He was clean, took his meds on time, fed and drink regularly, teeth brushed, and spoken too as if he were an adult deserving of respect and kindness. I am grateful to them.
Your MIL needs a team in place - one that will encourage you all to visit and be the children again.
And if she doesn’t want to eat and hasn’t for some time and wants the cloud to come, not sure why they are forcing the issue. Actually, I know why, but I wish they could see that it might be time to stop trying to force life and accept what may be happening naturally.
This end of life stuff is never easy, never clear.
And . that this morning when DH arrived . she was so completely checked out mentally. She did know who he was .. but she didn't know where she was . was most upset by that . "Where am I? Where is my room? This isn't my room .. where is my room? Where am I?".
Over and over, almost agitated and frantic . and DH having to repeatedly tell her/answer to the above. I think she did come around more . but she was so checked out this morning!
Can't care more than do her offspring.
The present a great example of the ongoing sussing over her.
Yes, I realize she has just been thru a major operation/surgery .. I get that. But being there, around the clock .. and "doing" for her, every single thing . then does not give an accurate picture of just how low her functionality is . and I have said as much .. so be it.
For instance, DH got up this morning (regretted leaving her alone for the night last night) . got up before daylight and headed that way to make sure he was there . when her b'fast tray comes (she isn't eating but just a few bites it seems when a tray is brought . but what she does consume, be that thru a straw for beverage . or with a fork for food, has to be spoon fed to her, or the cup held to her . she can't hold anything . too weak).
So DH was there to see to the few bites of b'fast she ate. SIL then arrived at lunch time to see to that. And she ate but a few bites . and SIL feeding her. SIL still there, it's 8:30 some odd at night.
DH just came in a bit ago . and ate some dinner, and showered and is heading there to spend the night ..
I have to wonder . what happens to other elderly folks .. I'm truly asking .. I don't know .. if they don't have family there sussing their every breath for them.
I don't know the answer to that.
It's my belief they should . back away some . so staff can see just how low functioning she is . .. they don't see it . all they see is family there (a son and a daughter) fussing constantly.
Who does it when the elderly there alone . is too weak to eat? Do they not eat? Does someone help? I truly don't know. If the elderly is so out of it, just so checked out (she's there mentally, but not really) .. if they're so checked out, they don't even reach for that cup with the straw in it, to take a sip .. if they don't push that nurse button . because they are dying of heartburn pain .. if they need a washrag to wash their face, or that little cup thing . to brush their teeth and a small cup of water to rinse the toothpaste .. or someone to re-straighten her covers . or .. any of a number of other things being fussed about.
What happens with other elderly folks in this shape? Not everyone has kids that will come and sit bedside around the clock. What happens?
I don't know that I agree with their approach .. I have to think I'd back away . no not abandon her . no . but I wouldn't have a problem announcing to staff . "she needs ___________", or having her "push the button right there, the red button mother" . and let staff come and go to attend to all the fussing of all she is unable to do on her own. So it could be seen/experienced by the med staff whose charge it is to report as to her well being or not.
But whatever . each will do as they wish.
Our medical system is chaos - willfully so. Because it is all about free market economics and money. And chaos works very well for looters and such. Where we will be when the big viral hemorrhagic fever pandemic hits, I don't even want to think.
Im going to be curious as SW Jessica re-enters the scene (presently out of town at some conference). She indicated she would be doing an assessment as to MIL via visiting her and records.
WI'll be curious to hear her thoughts.
But no cog assessment right now. Still too foggy brained post surgery.
I know you know this, btw:)
SIL... no you do not need to be there more. You are ready to drop.
But the way to get all the powers that be here to even care about getting her more help is cognitive assessment. Otherwise, she is just another demanding, stubborn old lady. And from their perspective, that is SIL’s and DH’s problem, not theirs.
Being in a place that handles cognitive impairment is a GOOD thing. This is not beneath her... it is what she NEEDS. She will always seem more high functioning around family because there are oh so many little props that we do with those who we know well. She has internalized certain things to say and ways of saying them that make her seem more able. If anyone were to actually probe her more deeply, that would become more and more obvious.
The rehab place is looking pretty necessary and frankly, they haven’t don’t anything wrong. I would be glad she is going back there. One less thing. (Obviously it would be better if there was a continuing care option, but that doesn’t look like it is an option in time for her super speedy discharge;)
I know this probably sounds bad, but what happens, happens. No one can prevent this stuff from happening, even if they are there all the time. She is as safe as can be reasonable there. The staff knows her and they have heard your thoughts. They can’t be one on one, but at least there is a baseline of MIL’s issues. At least at this point, they know her and it is familiar to her. That really is the best anyone can do.
But that cog assessment opens up the door to memory care type places, as well as lends urgency. It also allows them to give credence to accurate information given by her children, rather than relying on MIL’s take on everything.
SIL cannot be there more. She just can’t, and she is the only one who can make that choice for her health. She is going to have a breakdown of some kind, and her mother is going to do nothing to make this easier. You are showing her how to have healthy boundaries and encouraging her to have them... so important.
And good on DH!!
DH .. was slated to go on some men's trip this weekend . with his church buddies and has passed on it . staying here .. to attend to his mom, . while he can . while working . and juggling both. As it should be.
Didn't even call for me to interject any opinion . he just nixed any plan and .. is .. going in the AM before work . and helping out however he can . daily .. and ending each day going . and helping out . and then home, . to bed . and then back at it again.
So .. while he was so totally and completely checked out at one time .. he is at this point, more honed in. Acknowledgement where it's deserved, I'd say.
staffed appropriate to what her needs are . and they'd of picked up on that and deferred her to a SNF .. or a MC . I don't know .. maybe she still would've fallen . in some site where she now resides . who can say.
But .. the fact remains .. the picture as we see it this day/this hour . she is in the hospital, will be bounced outta there .. either tomorrow or Monday . and into that same Rehab that I thought woefully under-staffed to meet her specific needs.
BUT ...
Sounds like that's about what would be found anywhere .. woefully under-staffed.
And to hear SIL (at the moment): "Maybe now that she got hurt . she'll realize the relevance of not getting out of bed unassisted like they tell her.
(ME: FAT CHANCE, but whatever SIL!)
And to try to answer Barb's point. Have we looked into SNF . and rehab.
Yes. But the problem is this. There are some that are equipped with SNF as well as Rehab . both in one site. One of those is the site B that I referred to .. lots there cognitively impaired . and it was to be her Purgatory site .. but they also have Rehab there .
BUT .. they have no beds at present.
There is one other . that was recommended . that will .. they will take someone who is rehabbing at present and soon to transition to Medicaid Pending . (purgatory) .. but we haven't been to see it . and .. we're told there is lots of cognitive impairment there also . but they are checking to see if they have availability.
We're told . that most sites . are going to decline to accept her . .SNF/Rehab sites. Why? Because she needs LTC .. and because not all the SNF/Rehab sites . accept Medicaid . and they know that the day and hour . that Medicare (which she is presently . with a supplement kicked in) . the day and hour that Medicare says . "oh she's done . we're finished rehabbing her", her need then switches to not going home . nope . it switches to Purgatory . and they aren't interested in Medicaid Pending and making a bed for that .. so they will refuse on that ground to even take her as a Rehab patient.
Lots of SNF/Rehab combined sites . they are out there. But only a few that are
A. Geographically desireable
B. Will take Medicaid Pending (which this will switch to at any given moment when it's no longer medically necessary to Rehab).
The choices are VERY limited.
As it stands at present, she will return to the supposed "posh" rehab (not so posh if you ask MO) . and there she will rehab . and the work will be going on behind the scenes as to where she goes next as to Purgatory .. likely site B . like I mentioned before .. site B that were they to have beds available, she'd go there now . instead of Posh site .. she'd go on and go there, but they have no available beds.
I'm just over here guarding my boundaries and my mantra is . "okay we don't think there is cognitive impairment cuz GOD KNOWS I shouted it in every direction for forever and no one listened to me . so fine . we'll go with that .. so when she doesn't "listen" and climbs out of the bed again . and falls and next time a head contusion or whatever .. oh well ... she supposedly is cognitively sound enough that she doesn't need to be in a setting to circle the wagons around that issue. Got it. Then don't be looking in my direction as an o'nite sitter.
Yes, indeed.
Talking with SIL .. she'd been in contact with some liaison to the hospital where MIL is presently inpatient and the site where she will return for Rehab. SIL expressing the same concerns that I voiced.
The liaison . much the same feedback . along with: The staffing is just woefully deficient in most places .. and it comes down to, you either get family to attend to the LO or you hire a sitter .. @$20/hr
SIL relating this conversation to me and followed by: "I guess I'll just have to be here more than I have been . I don't know how ... I mean it's been all I can do to do all that I've been doing . I just don't know what else to do".
My spidey senses shot up ..
Yep .. gunna be looking for Dorker to do a tour of duty . to "sit with" .and police. It's coming.
I don't mind . (I haven't yet clearly defined anything that I'm willing to do) .. sitting for a few hours maybe daytime . some days . not every day and I am certainly not willing to do an o'nite shift. Nope.
My feeling her folks .. and it's neither here nor there, as it doesn't do a damn thing to forward progress this whole show.
I began saying how long ago that she is cognitively impaired and it needs to be looked into. It was summarily dismissed and ignored. That still exists to this day . that cognitive impairment . and it's worse than when I began shooting those flares off.
And it's going to get even worse.
Nothing has been done to define that cognitive issue . not a damn thing.
I have dropped it, in the interest of not banging my head til it's a bloody pulp . but also because the goal at this point is to get some signatures from a "supposedly" of sound mind MIL ..
And so I've dropped it. I no longer ride that loud horn. I've dropped it.
The fact remains however, . she is cognitively impaired. Period. You can tell her all day long, "now look what happened. We told you not to get out of the bed .. and you kept doing so anyway .. I mean you fell a few days before . and weren't hurt . that should've been your warning bell . to not do that .. but it wasn't .. and now look . you've broken your hip . will you listen now?!?!?!??".
Say that all day .. all you want .. might as well go talk into an abyss .. it will do just as much good.
Her response .. if you ask her (as she was doing at one point) .. "Why were you up and stretching on your tippy toes to unplug the tv . why wouldn't you have just called the nurse".
She will tell you one of two things:
1. They never come, I call them but they never come.
2. I just do it myself rather than wait for any of them.
That's what you hear from her. You then caution again, .. "they've told you not to be up and ambling about without assistance . you need to listen".
You will then hear again, one of the two above from her.
Does no good to keep harping at that. She's not gonna absorb it, it's pointless.
So .. my point in all that is this. Does no good to sit and look back at the history of it all and I know that .. doesn't help any forward progress.
BUT .................................
Had they LISTENED TO ME . back when I began to shoot off the flares that she needs more help .. .she doesn't manage . .she is cognitively impaired, that needs to be looked at.
Had they insisted . .and heard me . and gone this route back then . she'd of been in a facility sooner, and in the eyes/ears of the staff that sees these things . and some of this would've/possibly/maybe been caught . .that she's impaired .. you can instruct her all day long . she needs to drink more . she needs to not get up without assistance . it would've been caught and seen . .and perhaps .. addressed ..
And we'd of maybe been further down the road .. in some way/shape/form.
I would hope.
Maybe not, what do I know. Maybe she would've been in an AL somewhere .. these last few years . and they'd of not
While their communication skills TOTALLY SUCKED, the SNF rehab facility my mom was discharged to, and where she subsequently stayed for 4 1/2 years noticed EVERYTHING.
This started with the beginnings of a bedsore (the DON at the AL said it was "nothing" when we pointed it out to her; the SNF brought in their wound care guy to tend it every day. AL was and is not medical care.
My mother was constantly encouraged to drink. She was checked for dehydration and weight loss (and gain) due to her CHF. They diagnosed pneumonia at least once before we had any clue (oh, she just seemed a little "off", her LPN said". UTIs were caught before they took hold.
If a patient is constantly ringing to have their covers adjusted, they are not going to get the level of care they expect. I think perhaps the nurses knew if my mom rang, she had to pee.
Sadly, that has been my experience as a caretaker, yes, no matter what kind of facility it is. (even the hospitals). I just felt it necessary to be there, a lot, to do those neglected, health-rebuilding things that are simply neglected by most staffers. (And not just with elderly patients, either.) I felt like I was the watchdog for my DH during his crisis', of course for my mom, and even for my young daughter. Staff members simply cannot give the same attention as we do. :-(
My mom, post stroke, went to AL; was unsuccessful there; not enough care. Broke her hip. Then went to SNF for rehab because we knew that, having been unsuccessful at VERY helpful AL, she was NOT going to succeed at an AL AFTER a broken hip.
Has anyone adjusted their thinking to accept the idea of significant cognitive impairment and constant dehydration and the fact that she's not eating adequately?
That all sounds like SNF territory to me.
Even if she goes back to the rehab she came from, SIL and DH need to get on the folks there to do an accurate assessment of MIL's abilities, so as to recommend the best possible Long Term placement.
Keep your boundaries, Dorker!
I mean . she's gonna be sent back to the Rehab from whence she came from. We know it's supposedly "one of the best" in the area .. and so what the h377 are the other ones?
My opinion of that as a site . they aren't staffed to meet the need of someone who has some memory issues (cognitive). She was told to ask for assistance . before getting out of bed, . repeatedly.
The story from her .. "I do, they don't come" (who knows if she does or doesn't . who can say). But in the end, she gets out of bed unassisted, we know that . i.e., broken hip to prove it.
We know she arrived at the hospital dehydrated. They aren't staffed to deal with folks . not at that Rehab . which IMO is one that is for folks who are there to rehab but the assumption there, she has all her mental faculties (she does not). We know she didn't drink enough to not dehydrate, and they don't have the staff there to follow behind all that.
It's my belief she needs to be rehabbing in SNF .. where there is more staff (but would that even be staffed appropriately . who the h377 knows).
I put in a call to the case manager where she is hospitalized presently and expressed my misgivings . citing her memory issues . and that she doesn't in fact, wait for them to come .. and so gets up out of bed any way .. and that she doesn't hydrate appropriately . and becomes dizzy and so forth.
The answer given: "Honestly you're not going to find the staffing levels at any facility .. and yes I hear that about a lot of places . they call for the nurse . but one doesn't come . so they just do it themselves . it's a problem that is pervasive .. and so .. the only plus to sending her back to where she came here from .. is that she is familiar with the setting there, the staff . . and so for someone with short term memory issues . that in and of itself can prove somewhat beneficial in that she won't be having to adjust to new staff, new setting.
I dropped it. Can't fight city hall.
More broken bones and dehydration to come .. I'd say.
It's not the site's problem . I get it. They are staffed, at least MO .. they are staffed according to the assumption that the mental faculties are all in place . and so they don't have the oversight needed to man what is at issue, they simply do not.
But there is no formal dx of Dementia with MIL . and so .. when she's told that she should stay in bed unless assisted . by damn there gonna assume she understands that and will follow thru. She doesn't. When they bring her a cup/pitcher of water, they're going to assume she understands the importance of hydrating appropriately and leave her to it.
I get it.
Case Manager says the following: "honestly you're going to find limits on where she can be accepted period . there are Rehabs that are going to deny her, simply because they know she's also a LTC patient . .and so they aren't going to tie up a bed for what is a short stay of rehab .. knowing she will have greater need than they can meet.
Goes on to extrapolate some on that whole thing. Long story short .. it just is what it is.
More broken bones to come (hopefully not . but I don't see that it won't happen).
All of that sounds so very familiar! In 2015 I was made guardian and conservator of an aunt with dementia. I know the battle well. The dreaded daily phone calls. The hair-on-fire phone calls saying "V is about to be discharged in an hour!" Etc. I too developed PTSD which made me jump out of my skin every time the phone rang.
I wish I could say it will get better, but sadly it won't. It is the beginning of an endless spiral of hospital, rehab, NH and the only way it ends is for MIL to hop a cloud.
If she lands at a NH, I highly recommend palliative care.
SIL is signor .. as POA on some dated .. older than dirt, POA done way back before their dad died . in 2003 . and the atty .. was in route the day that MIL fell and broke her hip . with paperwork in hand to get a cleaned up, updated POA .. but that has yet to be done. So, at least there is a POA .. old as dirt, but one exists . .in fact.
So SIL asking .. of the para legal "well we need to get these forms to you . I can ask that director if she'll just re-send those . to you instead of Jessica . that's fine . but do I need to come in and sign them . once you do so .. I need to also be at the hospital . .my mom . .she is there, broken hip repaired . but . she is just really weak and confused . and so I need to be with her, . what do you want me to do".
Paralegal: "Well you can sign them blank if you'd like, and see if they can scan them . signed . and send them to me .. or you can bring them by here, . just drop them off, and I'll take a quick glance at what it is they want in those forms and you can sign them here . and we'll submit them . it's up to you".
SIL now having to . she's already been waylayed into this whole thing . of having to go visit this site . when what she wanted to do was be at her mom's hospital room, but had taken the time to go do this . and now sorting thru all this .and now gonna have to divert even further .. to go to the atty office, to drop the forms.
Not a thing I can do about any of the above. I can't sign them for her, no need for me to say "SIL you go on to the hospital I'll take it from here with the forms". Nope . I'm not POA nor do I wanna be.
So . .SIL now sets out for the atty office, (completely out of the way of where she needs to go to the hospital) forms in hand . and drops them off, .. I part from her and go on with what's on my radar for my world, . not this whole MIL saga . for my world for the afternoon.
She drops off the forms and discusses briefly with the paralegal . and on her way now to the hospital finally.
Gets a call from the director where we'd left that other arm of FP . and the word has come down from on high . as of today . they are no longer accepting Medicaid Waivers .
So all that this morning, a colossal waste of everyone's time.
Would've been nice to have known that before we did all that this morning. CHIT!
Oh well ...
So then . SIL gets word from the case manager (also aware of all this we'd been heading to try to do) .. her now also informed, that will not be a suitable direction to turn as to discharge for MIL . .as they are no longer gonna be a Purgatory option for MIL .. off the table. Case manager also made aware . not by SIL . likely by the director at FP.
Tired . worn/weary SIL at this point . now the case manager asking of SIL . where would we like her to send referral as to discharge for Rehab . and SIL asking about Site B that I mentioned above . as the one we have our sites on . for her Purgatory . that . it's not one that thrills us . it's a lesser of all evils really . lots of cog impairment population there .. but . it's where they DO accept Medicaid Pending.
So SIL suggests that as a site for Rehab/Purgatory ... case manager calls her back . no available beds there.
SIGH
Case manager suggests (this is all for what looks most likely to be a Monday discharge at this point) .. they send her back to the Rehab she came from.
SIL expressing some concern . they didn't seem to have a lot of staff there .. seemed like maybe she didn't get the care there.
Case manager saying .. yea she realizes that may be an issue . but at least MIL is familiar with them there, they with her . and . at this point . our options are limited if what we're trying to do is not to have to move her . hither and yon . so it looks like, SIL just battle weary at this point . acquiesced to that as the discharge plan. MIL will be going back to the place where she just came from . where she broke her hip. Not their fault .