I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
It's now just wait for the funeral really. Not sure it's sealed deal that he won't be going.
Talked to B tonight . and I offered to take him . fly with him, .. drive him to St. Louis if needed .. no . he's far too gracious to accept that. He did mention he has a sister that lives in Mobile Alabama . and that he may hitch a ride with them to St. Louis . and I offered to take him to Mobile to his sister if he'd like. He didn't commit one way or the other, but at least the offer is out there.
I too think it's pretty selfish that SIL can't rip herself away from her mom . but I've never been successful in getting her to see things from a different perspective (ironed PJ's and vein ablations that were to have served to fix edema, but in all practicality were nothing but cosmetic at best, to name a couple of instances).
The present state of MIL ... she is staying there for the night, SIL is .. w/her mom who requested she stay there, that she's "Scared". I don't know of what, I didn't ask.
DH stayed with MIL last night.
No one stayed with her the previous night . .and she ripped out her IV . and sounds like had a horrible night. Last night with DH there, was more peaceful sounds like. Except for (MIL has always had night terrors . all her life) .. DH was reading . and MIL had drifted off to sleep ... and MIL began to shreik and scream out .. as DH says .. "Scared the crap outta me" .. but it was one of her famous night terrors she has frequently.
She's had an explosion or two this afternoon of chitapalooza there in the hospital .. behind having been given some aides to speed that process along that was formerly not progressing . in the presence of narcotics known to stop forward progress with such things.
I was there today when PT came and .. among other stuff they had her do some leg/bed exercises . . which she actually did pretty decent with. I described those to SIL when she arrived, . and gave her the instructions given .. she should try to do those leg/bed exercises maybe every couple of hours .. demonstrated for SIL so she could assist her mom, the various exercises.
SIL called me later, "Did mom do those exercises when you were here, did she do them with the PT guy?".
Me: "Yes . .she actually did pretty good with them, why".
SIL: "She says she didn't . that the PT guy only told her about them . that she didn't do them . she's not cooperating with me here . to try them".
Me: "I dunno . she sure did .. she participated and did okay .. relatively . with them .. maybe she's just tired .. don't know".
MIL can reflect back and tell me all the finite details of a trip she took 20 years ago . but she can't remember what she did two hours prior.
She can now hold her little cup with a straw in it, to take a sip . but has to be prompted to do so . and even then . only takes little baby sips .. She has to be handed the foods which she can handle, a roll .. a carrot stick .. but using utensils to get food from bowl and into mouth . nope. Hands too trembly and weak ..
I'm not even sure how cognizant she is to use the nurse button . as we didn't have opportunity for that need when I was there.
So I guess .. SIL feels like she has to sit vigil and her husband . he gets tossed to the wind. I think it's deplorable . but I can't change it . I haven't ever been able to change any of it.
I don't think I'd do things the way she's done . but I haven't walked in her shoes . with my own mom. I know I wouldn't .. not as she's done .. I wouldn't. My poor mom is not gonna have the loving, dutiful, .. so doting daughter .. that MIL has. She just isn't. I will help . yes . indeed . but when my mom is so incapacitated as MIL is .. she will be at the hands of staff to help her, as it should be . .. and I will come and visit . and help while there, and then leave. As it should be, IMO.
That is Bs sister herself. I wonder what seeing her brother - one last time - might mean to her?
Obviously, I don’t know the individuals involved. Have no way of knowing - but sil bring B home to her just seems like the compassionate thing to do. For both the sister and B.
Its definatly the right thing thing to do - if nothing else.
The sad thing is she’d probably find a way to go back for a funeral....can’t understand why people wait for the funeral instead of making the trip before in lieu of the funeral.
This quote from SIL speaks volumes. HER MOTHER has been endlessly coddled and enabled. But B's seeing his dying sister for one last time doesn't even deserve any effort on SIL's to make it happen. It's just not important enough.
Take the high road, Dorker. Do the right thing, as BlackHole has suggested.
B is a human being, for chris’sakes. Even if he & his sis aren’t super-close, they’re not estranged.
B deserves to break free from being SIL’s/MIL’s captive stooge and attend to HIS family crisis.
If B needs more help than the average 60-something, so be it. Those of you with clear heads need to create B’s travel plan. Accept that it will be an unorthodox plan, and get it in motion.
Decide which one of you will be B’s airport Uber (or travel companion, if nec). And who will be his “revceiver” and his booze babysitter. And who/how this can be reversed to get B back to FL in one piece.
SIL moved heaven and earth to get her mother’s REVOLTING DOG on a plane. But when HER HUSBAND has a family crisis, all she can do is wring her hands and “feel bad?”
This says volumes about SIL’s character.
Let’s call this a win-win.....or something like it.....and get B on the damm plane.
MIL has treated B like sh*t for decades. Said vile things to him. Said vile things about him. Afforded him zero respect.
It is unconscionable to let MIL be the reason B “ghosts” his own family emergency.
Dorker & Co, I beg you: Facilitate B’s brief rescue from this harridan and her short-sighted daughter. Connect B with his sister and/or get B to the funeral.
Just this once, it’s OK to bust out of the boundaries.
I do feel really bad for B, he has been such an absolute trooper throughout all this.
When I tell you the man is a saint . he really is . through and through, .. so patient, even in the face of MIL's cruelty to him and his frailties . he takes it in stride and moves on . never once even wincing. If you ask him . and I have . "how do you put up with it?". His answer: "Oh . she's old . she doesn't feel good . it's hard to be her age and not have any control . I just figure she doesn't mean it".
Too good . the man is too good for his own good.
Was talking with SIL a bit .. as she entered MIl's hospital room for me to exit . MIL sleeping . "so what gives with B and the sister .. any plans to get him there?".
Her answer: "I don't know . it's hard . ya know, I can't go .. I can't leave this here . and it's really hard for him to travel alone .. it .. he just needs someone to kinda lookout for him and I can't go .. and .. ya know . in the end . he's really .. in truth . he's kinda resigned to it . that maybe he just won't go . .he doesn't feel all that comfortable in those kinds of settings anyway .. I mean what do you say ..??.. what do you do ..??... "well she sure was a good big sister", . but then what .. what's there to talk about .. ".
I responded: "Oh I don't know ... I mean .. I would think of all the siblings left, there'd be plenty to reminisce about . of their years growing up and maybe some of the shenanigans they got into .. all of them .. and particularly any that big sister may have been a part of".
SIL: Yea, .. he really . he's kinda uncomfortable in those sort of settings .. so .. he's just kinda resigned really to not going".
I dropped it. I didn't say anymore about it.
She got to relive some of that just in telling it all. Her mentioning that she'd like to find the journal she kept at the time, of that trip and all she was seeing/experiencing . so she could read through it again. I suggested she mention it to SIL . as I know SIL has combed the catacombs of that house digging up paperwork, it's likely she has stumbled across it some where there.
I asked her, just interacting with her .. "so what was your favorite trip that you ever took, was it the one to Portugal . or Mexico, or the one we want on to Paris/London that one, which one?".
Her answer: "Oh all of them had their good points, you know me, I always loved traveling".
Good answer.
To take a move from SIL playbook in the interest of B, I wonder if DD could give M a call and plant the seed of meeting B in St Louis at the airport?
Perhaps one of the family could get him on the plane in Fl?
One thing that DH and SIL might start to contemplate is how they want to orchestrate this stage now, to be left with the most loving and guilt-free "transition" possible for the whole family. That would mean letting go of denial and "happy recovery" thoughts and to start thinking more about comfort, kindness, and family love.
I feel good about my mom's endings - I did my best to keep her there with me mentally (watching for disorienting things) and also watching that she was not over-drugged. (although I was more than willing for her to have pain meds IF she expressed any pain to us. She was still capable of knowing if she wanted pain meds or not) But with my mom, I could tell instantly when she was given pain meds - she would check out, have anxiety and confusion, and was no longer with us. And she kept repeating to all who asked that she was NOT in pain, but sometimes they would administer them anyway.
We have a picture of mom with us, just a few days before she died, having a toast with us with her precious evening red wine (which she missed so much once she was in the facilities.) I insisted, finally, that I was going to do this, and there was no objection by staff, as she was obviously at the point of being allowed anything she wanted. I wished I had done it sooner. She looks so happy in that picture, and content. Little pleasures and moments can mean so much in retrospect, to balance out the anguish. If MIL has loose ends to tie up with any friends or loved ones, gentle encouragement and helping that happen can mean a lot later.
<3
Believe me .. I am watching.
DH has been starting each day going that way before work and ending each day going that way .. instead of tending to orphans and hunting and any number of other pursuits that were before his mom for far too long . and his sister . .dog-sitting instead of tending to her mother.
Ya'll wanna bale .. watch this .. I can do the same, and I did.
Now however, .. SIL is wearing herself awfully thin with it all, and some of that in the pursuit of placement .. a good deal of it .. not waltzing off to dog sit and/or make sure workers are tending to her basement project. Nope . she's here, boots on the ground . working this thing .. towards placement. DH . he is going every chance he gets .. instead of sluffing it all off in demands in my direction.
With the one sole goal of placement .. as I've said all along .. "SHE NEEDS MORE CARE FOLKS ... I CANNOT KEEP DOING THIS" .. that was the mantra forever that got ignored. No longer is it being ignored.
As such . I will "help" within the confines of what I am willing to do. Do note . the talk of staying o'nite . which I don't particularly ascribe to as a need .. I conveniently take my purse and bid my g'byes and waltz out . and the two of them can haggle out if they think it a necessity.
Were they still of the mindset . "she will manage" (and believe me with those two, nothing would surprise me . but they are not) .. were they still of that mindset and SIL .. on the phone putting her plane tix on her charge card . and plans to go mind the workers on her end .. and/or dog sit .. and watching DH waltz off to his men weekend with the church guys .. believe me, I'd be baling too.
But I offered to come in and relieve DH this morning so he could head on out to work and did do so.
MIL is more lucid now .. than she was yesterday . thankfully. Not as far gone.
Seems a dispute has come up since I left a bit ago . in that they are trying to discharge her today and SIL is up there manning that issue .. no . not today people . why do you folks not know what the right hand is doing from the left? Not today, tomorrow! So she's manning that . that erupted after I left there.
The PT guy came by while I was there, . .and all that was achieved .. and thru monumental effort .. was a sit up on the side of the bed, .. and that took a long while to get done . and then sit there for a while (her BP is .. what I would consider really really low .. she is a normal low anyway . but her's is really low, like 96/44 .. not good .. but .. I don't guess they seem real concerned about it). So wouldn't let her get up for a while .. reading that BP .. and taking it again and again . and it ultimately climbing a little more as she sat at the edge of the bed . .and as it climbed a little more with her sitting . they then did let her get to a standing . with the walker . only momentarily and then back onto the bed to sit . and rest . and then back to a prone position.
Coached her in some leg/bed exercises they want her doing . and she did do well w/that, IMO.
And so that was it for my visit mostly . helped her to eat lunch but she is now holding her own cup of water .. with it's straw in it .. and part of her lunch had some raw carrots and those she held and ate . .only 2 of them (not much appetite) . but she held those and ate them herself. I spoon fed her some jello . and held her tuna sandwich for her to bite it .. seemed her tremble in her hands . it was too hard for her to hold the sandwich . she was shaking it apart trying to eat it .. she only ate about 1/2 of the whole sandwich . and a couple of carrots and a few bites of jello and a few bites of some sherbet .. and that was it. Not much appetite . but she's also just laying there mostly . not burning any calories at all.
Once again this all can be a warning to the rest of us to get OUR affairs in order long before they are actually "needed". All the "EOL" stuff should be clear to our LO's and made sure that we've crossed the t's and dotted the i's. I hope we have. After reading all this---we DID go and get our will updated and made "legal an binding" make lists of what we want, who we want to do it and I think all the essentials.
My biggest nightmare is that we'd put our kids through what MIL has done to her family--but that's water under the bridge...that's going to flow from now to long after she's gone.
Sorry she's being discharged on Sunday! We did a couple of w/e discharges with DH over the years and I fought so hard to move it to Monday, if possible. He was always coming home, so it wasn't a matter of finding a bed....but I NEVER felt ready for him to come home. I had just spent anywhere from 2 days to 3 weeks staying all day, everyday in the hospital, watching him sleep. Then I would leave, about 10-11 pm and he'd be wide awake and complaining that I had just got there....thank goodness for nurses and drs who would ALWAYS tell him that I had been there for 18 hours already and HAD to sleep, myself. They took the "bad guy" status away from me and said overnighters were not allowed.
It is truly tragic that you never got that dx of dementia!! That would change EVERYTHING--but you don't have it and likely never will, UTI's, surgeries, etc has made her a very poor candidate for a cog eval at this stage. You are just going to have to make it a point to tell all the personnel that cares for MIL that she does not have all her marbles and that would they please care for her as if she had a dementia dx. Trust me, they DON'T want their patients falling right and left b/c they didn't KNOW.
Also, it will seem to you that MIL is getting substandard care b/c if FAMILY is there, they are more than happy to offload a lot of the basics on YOU. I was always fine being an advocate for my hubby (he would routinely deny needing pain meds and as soon as the nurse walked out of the room, he was saying, "Wow, I am really hurting".) I think I finally taught every nurse on staff to ask him TWICE about anything. I still do it here at home. "Are you hungry for dinner or you wanna wait" "Oh, I can wait" 5 minutes later he's out in the kitchen frying eggs. "what are you doing?" "Oh, I decided I was hungry after all". Drives me nuts.
Poor B. In this whole mess, he has been a silent, supportive, kind and generous man. Yes, he may be medicated to a fare the well---but he still functions, obviously. Just taking care of Poochy is a FT job. He's also probably pretty much running the show at home. He needs to be able to have the option of going to a funeral if that happens. M is the perfect traveling companion for him.
Sadly, MIL is not probably going to "come back" to much of what she was before. She was going downhill, and the fact she fell just brushing her teeth..is a sad reminder that she is super frail. (yet she could reach up high enough to unplug the TV!)....so hard to know what to do at this point..
Will that OLD POA stand the test of time? I would think so. But I'm no lawyer. At least MIL is not in her own home, and not going back, so there;s that. SIL is FINALLY exhausted and seeing the truth. Appreciate that. And DH is stepping up--which will help him feel more like a son and when MIL is gone, perhaps he won't be a mess.
I can only wish you the best--be sure you are sleeping well and controlling the stuff you can control and letting go of that which you can't.
I wish someone would help B!
Okay. Kidding. But only partly. Guess which part? Hint: Its not the part that begins with Heineken...
Why is that?
I agree. The whole lot of them ought to be ashamed of themselves. But honesty - the thought has probably not even crossed their selfish minds.
I am very disappointed in this entire family that no one can see fit to get B to St. Louis to see his SISTER before she dies. After ALL that man's put up with for the sake of MIL???? It's quite obvious to see the low priority placed on B in this family (I'm not talking about you, Dorker, but SIL, H, M, etc.)
SIL has had plenty of "quality time" with MIL over the past 7 months. Can't she trust your H to step up for a few days while she accompanies B to St. Louis? Has H offered to step up and be the point person while SIL is in St. Louis? If not, WHY NOT????? Or is it that SIL will not let go of total control for even a short while? (And does that POA only naming her make a difference? I believe she can designate your H to be the POA while she's gone.) And yes, there is M, too. Has anyone approached her about this?
The only other choice, at that point would've been for SIL to agree for her to go to this "Lifecare" . that we have no idea, haven't seen it .. and she didn't want to do that.
SIL saying to me, "Maybe now that she fell and broke her hip . maybe now she'll listen when they tell her not to get out of the bed".
I don't know that I ascribe to that as any rationale .. I don't. I don't think MIL connects the dots. I don't know how ambulatory she will be at first though . maybe getting out of the bed at this point, is going to REQUIRE assistance .. for all I know . maybe getting up and getting down and getting forward progress . is going to require it, post hip surgery .. I really don't know.
So it was said to SIL . that "posh" has a bed available .. and if it isn't taken by Sunday .. it may go on Monday and be no longer available. She agreed to take it, thus will be discharged on Sunday.
SIL said she spoke to the MD about her concerns . and he said to her that he'd send instructions as to her care, and assistance and Rehab. Does that mean they are to assign her, her own personal assistant to sit with her around the clock. Somehow I seriously doubt that.
Good advice to make sure the pain meds are on board before xfer .. I'll sure make sure that's part of it .. or try to
Her answer: I just haven't even looked at what to do, I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted from all this with mother, I haven't even looked at it.
My thoughts, but I won't share them . .if M is aggravated . this would be a good time maybe for her to step up . have her dad fly up there and she retrieve him and take charge for a few days. (her dad has some slight balance troubles himself, post-stroke a couple of years ago . not at all as marked as MIL's .. but nonetheless . and so, somewhat worrisome sending him out on his own). Not to mention his family are all a bunch of huge drinkers . and he isn't real good at self-governing .. SIL usually wears that hat in his interest.
MIL WILL BE DISCHARGED TOMORROW .. on a Sunday (a weekend).
How that all came to be. Talk of discharge, where to send her, where to send her, where to send her, . oh my.
Of course we found out early yesterday that we'd wasted an entire morning going to tour and view that other arm of FP .. and they won't take her, .. because she will ultimately be Medicaid Pending . and they are no longer taking Medicaid Pending, so "x" that one off the list.
Then we said, "well okay send her to Site B .. *what will end up to be her Purgatory* .. and so they ck'd .. no beds available".
So next the case manager then mentioned the rehab she'd just come there from . .and SIL voiced some pushback . "I don't think they have enough staff there .. ", that got answered .. see previous posts . .gonna run into that everywhere (what do we know this is our first rodeo with Rehab .. remember, .. it's always been that MIL would go home and HHC would be assigned to come to the house) .. so we don't have a lot of perspective of what it should/could be out there .. and so SIL pushed back on that .. "they don't have a lot of staff there, seems like she'd call for help but no one would ever come .. and she came here to the hospital dehydrated from there"
Case manager's take on that, . "Well we really only have one other place .. Life Care it's called ..and we can check and see if they have any beds available . but .. truthfully you're gonna find that's the case no matter where you go, understaffed .. it's a problem everywhere (we haven't ever gone to Lifecare to look at it) .. and case manager saying .. that at least if we send her back to "posh" .. at least it's familiar, . that's a plus . she knows the staff there, she knows the surroundings .. and so .. she wouldn't have to re-orient to new people, new setting . so that's a plus .. but you know .. all you can ask of them really is that they make sure she has water to drink . if she doesn't do it .. you can lead a horse to water .. can't make them drink it.
SIL explaining her concerns that she was getting out of bed there, .. even tho she'd been counseled that she's to not do that . and the case manager explaining that there is a higher threshold in Rehabs and nursing centers .. they aren't allowed to utilize bed alarms in those settings .. (hospitals can but for some reason the law states that can't be done in Rehabs and nursing homes) .. so they can't alarm the bed .. all they can do is counsel the patient not to ambulate without assistance, and as we saw .. that meant nothing to her . up she'd go.
SIL in the end, decided to give it the go ahead as to return to "posh' on the grounds .. at least she's familiar with it. The only other
Chances are she won’t get it on time at the rehab if they don’t have it on hand. Usually they have to order it from the pharmacy after the patient comes in and there are sometimes delays. And hospitals won’t give you any to take with. So good that the move is on Monday instead of Saturday. Ask for ice packs or heating pads (whichever works best for her) if the meds aren’t there when she needs them. If she sees PT this weekend you can ask if that would be helpful for her. It was for my mom’s back.
My mother had the ICU psychosis one time. It was awful. As a result she would not take certain meds again as she felt the meds caused it. She came out of it fine but it was scary.
If I had help we would rotate overnight stays when she was in the hospital. Otherwise I went home at night.
Somehow patients make it but there are many things that can and do go wrong or go undone when a helping family member isn’t there and often even when they are there.
When the trays are picked up, staff usually notes if the food wasn’t eaten and will often help feed the patient if no one else is there. My husband was recently in the hospital and he was checked on every two hours 24/7. They had a wall device that recorded each visit to the room. You would need to ask what the rules are at MIL’s hospital on how often she’s checked on. I stayed with him the entire time. He was groggy from meds. It’s hard for a compromised patient to remember instructions.
People dying in the hospital from accidents is a leading cause of death. Side effects of meds. Wrong meds. Hospital errors, hospital acquired infections. Doctors not washing their hands. Not a good place to hang out.
Also if someone would ask for the Appetite stimulate megace that might help her get her strength back.
I think Mina’s example is a good one to show that things that couldn’t be dreamed of can go wrong on transferring. Especially on weekends.