I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Unbelievable.
SIL has set herself up to be the accompanying angel" for MIL from now on. Every little thing, she'll get called. Because she DID THIS TO HERSELF. Kind of makes you wonder why they are even charging for care, SIL does it all.
Everyone is sick or getting sick. B may be the healthiest person around...and why oh WHY is it taking such a long time to simply get this sweet man on a plane and off to see his sister before she passes? Has he just been the backseat rider all his life? My heart aches for HIM.
This family and the dysfunction is epic.
When my mom expressed a desire to see her brother one last time--I was on the computer and had booked tickets, rented a car and found a hotel on the grounds of the retirement community where he lives. Took a half hour. I called mother for her CC to pay for all this and she balked, big time---she was just being maudlin--BUT the point is, it was eminently DOABLE and she now knows it.
B can and should be allowed to be first, sometimes. Just MO.
In the last three weeks I have been diagnosed with bronchitis, upper respiratory infection, pneumonia and just this past Friday - three hours in “Urgent” (haha - urgent) care for a sinus infection. This last one was especially fun as my sinuses swelled and the skin over them turned a red-ish purple. I looked like someone had beat the snot out of me! Currently, I am on my third consecutive antibiotic. If I get a yeast infection I’m really gonna be grumpy. Like I’m not grumpy enough as it is!
Just a few days before my first cough, dh and I had gone to the beach for our twice-a-year, three day weekend.
There is a large, fancy casino in this beach town - which hubby and I enjoy very much.
Except...
As is all too common - sitting behind me at one point was this man who looked older than dirt. Scooter chair and oxygen tank - the whole nine yards... at one point he put his head up like a coyote howling at the moon and began to violently cough. I thought he was gonna bring up a kidney - from the sound of it.
Yeah - I’m pretty sure that’s where I picked up this quad-fecta of illnesses. With all those germs raining down...
What is it about old people and the casinos? I swear to God, every trip we make there - I see some ancient individual carted off on a stretcher by EMTs. Most of these old folks look like they shouldn’t even be out of bed, let alone spending their social security checks gambling unto the wee hours of the dawn.
Lord - help me to know if the day comes that I’m crossing that line!!!
Okay. Sorry for the self-indulgent rant!
Long story short - sorry to hear that you are sick, Dorker. Rest up and take care of yourself!
My Dad was released to rehab too soon too. They immediately sent him back to the hospital. (They needed 2 people to get him out of bed and that was not OK in rehab. Also he had the beginnings of yet another bout of aspiration pneumonia because the hospital didn't thicken his liquids as they should have.) Took about a week more to get him well enough to go to rehab again.
It does happen.
Edit: I think in the hours that it took to process his release from the hospital and transport him, his condition gradually worsened.
I hope things improve for you all, soon.
Myself .. now coughing my head off also. I was coughing the other night so much I couldn't sleep but just assumed maybe some post nasal drip . .some allergy related to all the pollen, and kept on keeping on. By last night, it was pretty apparent I was just flat out sick . and so to the doc this morning I went .. and now rx'd an antibiotic and something for the cough. And so .. am taking it easy on the sofa today under covers . and drinking and drinking .. lots of fluids . and just trying to rest.
I can't believe the ineptitude ..
SIL called .. and said POSH called her, asked her to come there.
The story "had been" that they'd do the blood test this morning and 5:00 AM, which they did do . and mark it STAT as to results ..
No results yet.
Next thing ya know, .. SIL gets a call from POSH .. would she come on in . and accompany her mom back to hospital as outpatient . to get a transfusion.
SIL: "Did the lab work come back?
POSH: No . .we marked it STAT but we don't have the results back .. but we want her to go on over to the hospital . there they can run the test right there . and if it's low . they can go ahead with the transfusion.
SIL: "Okay I'll be there shortly.
The story "Had Been" that they had it set up .. if she needs to go . she'd be transported (that part still stands) but would be accompanied by a staff member.
SIL: "What happened with the staff member, I thought you guys were going to send along a staff member to accompany her?".
POSH: "We don't have the staff to do so, we can send her on her own . but we thought you might want to accompany her.
SIL on her way.
I can only imagine she'll be caught in a loop of h&77 there ..
So be it.
Damnit ..
This is just beyond ridiculous.
She can't even Rehab at present .. anytime she stands, gets upright .. even on the bedside .. she feels faint and nauseous ..
Yet this is what a hospital finds suitable to discharge.
I know, I know, I know, I know .. somewhere in all this is a bean counter and it's said by the bean counter, "X" of days for "X" procedure . period . end of discussion.
That's why this is happening. And it doesn't seem there is any flexibility to any of it. You get "X" days and that's it. Period.
Someone mentioned in all this .. and my radar went up since we've been down that path .. knee replacements . no longer inpatient at all . done outpatient . and patient goes on home. DH had a knee replacement several years back. And I cannot for the life of me fathom having brought him home the same afternoon. I'd of been nuts.
This is just crazy to me! MIL has living a long life. It’s time for SIL step back and let whatever will be, be. I’m not all all saying she needs to let MIL die. I’m saying, she’s 89. She’s in the hands of professionals. She needs to take 20 steps back and let them do their job. MIL will be fine without her there to micromanage and speak for her. If there is a problem, rehab will contact her. MIL appears to have lived life on a silver platter and both she and SIL need to realize that, the silver platter is gone. That’s not to say she should accept subpar care and rundown facilities. They both need to accept that....there probably isn’t a perfect facility out there. Nothing is going to compare to MILs own home. Instead of worrying about living with slumpers, SIL needs to focus on the care her mother will receive once she’s placed. Maybe it won’t be the prettiest, or the sunniest, but maybe the residents are more alert and the care is better. The reality of it all is, MIL will probably not be happy no matter where she ends up.
I too was surprised MIL was discharged so soon! She had surgery Friday and was back at the rehab by Sunday afternoon right? They sure rush to get the patients out! They are saying my husband will spend 1 night in the hospital after his back surgery! Unbelievable! And as far as low blood pressure-it could also be caused by a medication. Part of the reason my FIL was in the hospital so long was because of low blood pressure. They had him on a medication to raise it but the medication he was on to help with the fluid in his lungs lowered his blood pressure so they had a hell of a time stabilizing it!
Do find it peculiar that when I was there at hospital and PT came by, her unable to get up, gets nauseous and lightheaded and that persists even now.
I asked the PT guy what can be the cause for her extremely low BP.
He named numerous things. One was low hemoglobin and he said hers is low. I asked since I know transfusion wasn't required in surgery, he said it's not low enough for transfusion but is low (blood loss during surgery).
The staff at Rehab site pretty peeved. Accdg to them she should've had a transfusion and that hemoglobin # up before being discharged. # at 5 AM yesterday was 7.2
Said they are going to test again this morning and if it hasn't come up .. med transport to outpatient infusion for transfusion.
Last I heard... that blood was drawn at 5 AM this morning and results not yet in.
I guess the stress and strife of all this, taking a toll.
SIL at home today with ice pack on her ribs and ibuprofen ... having coughed herself into painful ribs.
Myself, at doc this morning. Bronchitis dx. Feel like I've been run over by a semi truck.
Rx of antibiotic and cough med and some rest hopefully I can be back at it soon.
On the other hand. This is recovery from hip surgery and a delicate point in care plan negotiations.
Hb can plummet when there's hypervolaemia. Her diuretic is under control is it?
Or, she may need a transfusion anyway.
Poor old MIL. If she were mine I'd want her bounced back to the hospital until they've got her stable, for sure.
personality - I imagine she’s getting annoyed with having to parent her parent long about now.
Edit: As well, I’m not surprised to hear the rehab is annoyed. While hospitals are not places one should really be hanging around - the risk for additional germs and illnesses due to the basic nature of hospitals - I think it’s safe to say MILs discharge was a bit premature.
Talked to M and she agrees her mom too enmeshed. As she put it "she needs to decide... is she gunna be able to build a life she can enjoy outside all this, if so it starts now ... start practicing. If not then decide you're gunna uproot yours and dad's life and move to FL. She needs to decide she doesn't need to scramble every time granny gets a hang nail"
Said she'd be giving some thought as to how to tailor some discussion with her mom.
I know, for whatever reason .. SIL seems to "hear" what M says where she doesn't hear it from others. Not sure why, mother/daughter . who knows. But it seems she "listens" to her daughter.
Going to impart to M .. that I think she needs to perhaps reach out with a dose of Reality 101 to her mom again. If she cares to do so.
I already know that M (SIL shared this with me) is put out with her mom . that granny's issues have so all-consumed both of their lives .. and that her dad . .needs to get to St. Louis . and at that time . .. SIL was so sunk in the MIL scene she hadn't even given even lip service to how to get B to St. Louis . and this displeased M.
I do know that M is so displeased this setting has so consumed both of her parents and for months now.
And I TRULY do not wish to feed into a monster of discontent and cause uproar in their relationships .. that's not my goal at all.
But .. I think M maybe, if she cares to .. God knows she's the only one that SIL will seemingly listen to:
1. Your mom, for her own good, is about to fall over on her face, . your dad needs her . what's gonna happen when she collapses . and its' coming. She needs to BACK OFF and let staff deal with MIL . ;go home . go to MIL's house . no she doesn't have to depart for IL . but go home . go spend time with B, who has been lost in all of this . take a day or two or three and drive him to Mobile, to his sister's so that the plans can be in the works to get him gone . to see about his sister.
2. M, do you even know that I have offered and I will do it .. I will accompany him . I will take him to Mobile to his sister's.
3. For your mom's sake .. is one thing but more importantly your mom needs to back off and let staff deal with MIL . and let them assess her true funcitonality or lack thereof . and they are the ones charged with getting a read on that . .and it's important they do so and absent any mouthpiece acting on her behalf. Go home .. spend some time with your husband ..
So . we will see how this goes . when she calls me. Last time, .. I expressed to M that SIL's bubble was floating off in the Fancy Pants venture . .and she wouldn't "hear" me when I kept trying to tell her that ship has sailed .. MIL maybe 10 years ago . but not anymore. She couldn't hear me.
So I expressed that to M . .and my misgivings and that her mom can't seemingly hear me. She talked to her mom and lo and behold .. SIL then had a clarity on it all, as her daughter put it to her, .. "you are projecting . what you want for your mom . but you need to put that to the side, . and address what your mom's needs are . not what you want for her".
HOORAY M .. !!!
She got it done where I couldn't.
So . I've put in a call to M .. left a message ..
Or to Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics/10% Happier
When mom lived with me, I was virtually not eating, not sleeping, had lost weight and was on the verge of a breakdown before I finally said something had to change. Even after we placed mom, I was so burnt out tired that it took me like 3 weeks to get enough rest and energy back to even feel like my normal self. SIL sounds like she is on the verge of crashing and burning too, but is running on adrenaline right now. Maybe M could get through to her mom again and sternly let her know that A) She needs to rest so she doesn't break down herself and B) The staff need to be able to see and work with MIL one on one so that they will know what care she needs and be able to make an accurate assessment. This would be one of the best things SIL could do for her mom right now, even though it's hard and feels to her like she's abandoning her.
I have told SIL this tidbit and suggested she do the same. She's too hard wired .. she says .. "oh I can't even take Tylenol, I'm so sensitive to meds, just 1 Tylenol and I'm toast".
She is just too hard wired to slow down. It's in her DNA.
And yes, she is so hyper she makes up things to do .. even back when MIL was living alone .. remember the pressure washer .. ??.....the deck .. a deck MIL can't even get out onto . .but by golly it was clean and pristine ... before she left town. Useless busyness.
Just like yesterday flittering about putting things away .. she was in truth, a distraction to the business at hand. She needed to sit the h377 down . and let the staff interact with MIL and stop flittering about answering questions on MIL's behalf. But can't tell her that. DH did .. finally . but it didn't stop it.
I don't think she's afraid her mom will die and she wasn't on duty to see to it. I don't think that's it really. She just doesn't know how to sit down. She's so used to having to be 40 steps in front of everything .. her husband .. bless his soul is as kind as the day is long .. and he is .. and he will do .. whatever she tells him to. But she has to "tell" him. He doesn't "see" what needs doing and take it upon himself and just "do it". So SIL is just used to a life of staying 40 steps ahead of whatever is needed.
”We yelled for you for THREE HOURS and you didn’t come.”
Um, nope. We were within 10 feet of you... zero yelling. Plus, we were in the room 30 minutes ago.
Flashbacks.
It isn’t for lack of explanation or an easier system that MIL can’t do these things. It is because her brain won’t let her.
Write that hat on a piece of paper and have SIL read it 10 times a day until it sinks in.
Let the staff know they have to help her order and remind her to eat. Then go the heck home, SIL.
There is a point where our control of a situation ends... it is often far sooner than we like to think. She cannot make sure nothing happens.
If I had to guess, I would agree with CountryMouse. Blame gets passed in many families, and SIL doesn’t want the blame, from others or from herself. The wide world outside of elder care doesn’t get it, either. Most people make so many “suggestions” that a caregiver always feels like they are not doing enough, even though they are giving past the point of exhaustion.
She is a hard worker, a doer. It is so hard for doers to see something that “could” make things better and not do them. Duh. Who wouldn’t?
But this is one one of those odd situations where she needs to reframe her thinking. Pushing through works in many situations. It will not fix things here.
The staff won’t do everything, but she will be taken care of.
SIL needs a break. She may feel like if she stops, all the balls will fall. Been there a number of times.
A funeral across the country may not be the best idea for her right now. She is 70 and ill and fraying.
B may be fine. Some people need their people around other people need less of that. Depends on the kind of person he is.
I am one that often prefers to do hard things alone... I am usually happy that my people offer, but they don’t always have to come for me to feel loved. Just a different perspective.
Ducking tomatoes;)
Yes, I am going there. She's too enmeshed to see that she's cracking up. She is going to lose it completely if she doesn't rest. I am so glad my DH's drs always sent me home, in fact, I would ask them to come in the room and say it to me in very loud voices---"Good night Mrs. E, drive safely, we'll see you in the am. Rounds will be about 11" and then they'd turn and talk to DH and I'd escape.
Is still crashed and burned a couple of times, but I also learned to listen to my own body. When I am really stressed, I eat terribly and gain a few pounds and as I am quite short, 5 lbs is a lot on me. We had a terrible summer and fall as DH had 2 heart attacks--and while he LOST 50 lbs, I gained 10. I feel awful.
After one of my daughters had her first baby she went crazy. Anxiety so bad when I walked into her house she handed me the baby and told me to take her to a fire station, they'd raise her. I called her OB and she said to sneak some Klonipin in some food and watch for the 'calming'--then call her back. 30 minutes after a pudding cup she was feeling just like herself and saying "I can't believe what I said!" Takeaway-she had to be on a small dose of antianxiety meds for the next 9 months and she slowly adapted to the stress of being a mom after nearly 30 years of being NOT a mom.
Maybe SIL would benefit from a break from the hamster wheel. Let one of the staff be the bad guy to tell MIL that her daughter needs to conserve HER energy. Good grief, isn't she 70???
MIL is going to HAVE to be compliant, as best she can be and SIL is making that impossible.
Sometimes. do you think she's just a really hyper person and makes up stuff to do so she'll feel productive? Seems like a LOT of what she does is kind of ridiculous. Just MO.
that her mother will die if SIL turns her back for two minutes;
that "people" - whoever they are - might think that she is a bad daughter who has let her mother down.
I am not completely sure that making her feel she is a bad wife as well is going to help her to relax, calm down, and regain some sense of perspective. With a bit of luck, though, time and plans falling into place - as they will - will.
Everyone just keep breathing.
I would throw that out there. Guilt her, whatever. She really needs to recharge, slow down. She could be faced with one of these episodes at any time. Does she really have the emotional and/or physical reserves to deal with that right now?
DHs job to throw all this at her of course.
This way, staff will NEVER figure out what MIL's needs truly are.
Does anyone get that if SIL hadn't hovered during the first stay, staff might have figured out that MIL needed more help?
We realized that it was important for staff to see that family showed up and was involved. NOT that family showed up and did their job for them. In the nearly 6 years that mom was at IL, AL and NH, I never once did "hands on" care. I rang the bell, or told mom to do so.
When I told her yesterday that church lady & friend would be visiting and had recommended we all take a break. Of course there was the pushback from SIL but her words also: "well if church lady goes ... she'll probably run into me there. I need to go bring more clothes hangars but I've also got to help get her menu figured out for her"
I thought (sigh) ... what do folks do that have no hoverer... somehow that menu gets done. And clothes hangars? This is pressing why? So you don't have enough hangars... so leave things in her suitcase ... for now. She won't likely be needing any of it for the next several days.
Whatever....
She is her own worst enemy.
DH is visiting once or twice a day. You are visiting. Church Ladies. Maybe DD or YD here and there.
She does not need to be going to Facility everyday! She needs to stay out of the fray for awhile and recharge.
Just like in an airplane - instructions are to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then help the little ones. Almost counter-intuitive, but it IS how these things work.
She needs to get sleep, proper nutrition, relaxation or yeah, she will crash and burn for sure. Tell her you guys need her through all this, and so does MIL. Might make her think.
I have mixed feelings about visitors if someone is in the middle of a chitapalooza episode.
I was reading an article early this morning. The title was something like most things start working again if you unplug it and plug it back in. Basically comparing humans to electronics.
The article was written by a woman probably about our age. She said her life reminds her of playing a video game. She referenced Mario.
When the game starts the first couple of levels are easy as the game progresses the levels get more difficult, frantic, chaotic and down right frenzied then you crash and burn. I immediately thought of your SIL. Then I thought of myself when I was up to my ear holes as a caregiver. I had not found this sight until all my Elders had passed away. Even if I had I don’t know if I could have made myself unplug even for a day. Had I unplugged when I had a chance I might not have crashed and burned. Probably would not have. Okay, I would not have crashed and burned.
I am worried about SIL. Appears she’s running on nervous energy, adrenaline, whatever, things were moving so fast, chaotic, frenzied during this fall/surgery episode.
The whole choice she made, 2 suitcases, answering for MIL, that whole scene is troubling to me. She just can’t relax even in her exhaustion. Even when she has an opportunity to unplug even of half a day!
I certainly don’t expect you to try to get thru to her. Not your job. She doesn’t listen very well. But, if she kinda sorta listens to DH he might be able to get thru to her.
If I had to pick a player in this long saga that would drive me crazy it would be SIL. Yet here I am having the most concern for her well being.