I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
One of the ways in which the very elderly resemble young children is the fact that they are very egocentric. "What's going to happen to me?" "Who will take care of my dog?". "Don't I get any choices here?".
You might expect this from your 5 yo granddaughter. We mostly accept this "self" centered-ness in the very young to be a normal part of development.
In the very old, especially when dementia comes into play, it appears that the brain goes into survival mode and all the elder can think about is how events impact them.
Given her level of brain dysfunction (lack of short term memory, lack of insight, lack of executive functioning), it is to be expected that MIL would not be able to see things from the perspective of all that has been done to prop her up.
If you are expecting a "thank you" from her, you're going to have to let it go for your own sanity.
Your DH and SIL are another story.
Bake some cookies! With sprinkles.
But DD I think . is loosing her mind with all 3 kids .. last week was spring break for the 5 yo . and we'd had plans to get out and do some things . but that got waylayed by a broken hip and my presence on that front . this week of course, got up ended in my having bronchitis and so unable to be any help to DD . and she is loosing her mind.
I think I could say to her, "DD I have pneumonia and I'm burning up with a fever here (I don't) .. and she'd still say "I don't care .. come get one of these kids .. and if you don't .. I'm gonna go sell em on the street corner .. I HAVE HAD IT".
So I'm off today to find some normalcy in just my life . and go enjoy the 5 yo .. and see if I can "hang" .. and do something to entertain her.
I do realize .. I'm further along down the road of placement than either of them have had to sit up and take that pill .. SIL further than is DH . but I'm way on ahead of her up the road on it all . having been the one that saw this coming like a freight train and tried to get them to also see it . in their state of denial also.
"Stop it and move on"
Move on to the realization that .. while you didn't intend to get old .. and nobody caused you to get old .. it just is what it is .. move on .. to the point of some gratitude that you had longer in your home . at the hands of those who love and care about you . than most are afforded and show some gratitude for that .. move on to the fact that you are tearing your two kids hearts out with all this sadness . they aren't having a party over here .. in the realization it has to go this way . it's breaking their hearts . but they are also .. of the realization and reality . that is is what is is . and you need to do the same .. and vow that going forward . as best you can . you will resign yourself to what has to be . and make the best of it .. as best you can . it's all you can do".
That's what I mean with my "stop it .. move on".
None of that is happening . it's all just stuck in the woe with me, sadness/misery/despair of it all, .. and .. the also . realization on both their parts . that their mom (and they are probably right) will not be one that acclimates to all this . ever . .and so her days . her last days on this earth will be sad ones filled with despair .. and that isn't comforting to either of them.
I'm just so over it. I really am. I just .. I dunno .. maybe on some level I wish that one of them .. would get a little tougher with her . not mean .. not ugly to her, but just forthright .. "now mother .. all this woe with me, you're gonna have to stop it .. it doesn't serve any of us .. you're gonna have to work to grasp all this and just vow to make the best of what you have to deal with . so let's just don't go there anymore" .. and e.v.e.r.y.t.i.m.e. she goes there, re-route it again and again and again.
SIL sharing with me in last night's convo that the PT person had shared with her .. that her prior stay there . she'd confided in that PT person . . all her deep dark depression and sadness .. that the PT person said .. she doesn't think she's ever encountered someone as deeply darkly depressed over all this .. as she did in MIL (this her prior stay there at POSH, before she broke her hip).
Move on to what, Dorker? Are you trying to depress her?!
It is reasonable to hope that MIL will adjust to the extent that she is made comfortable and feels cared for, wherever she goes next. Comfortable and not afraid are GOOD going. I should just keep reminding SIL that the aim is a soft landing. It's not a whole new social whirl.
If she can't find a slither of happiness/contentment somewhere in her life .. as it progresses forward .. .then no .. I wouldn't want her to spend much time in this world . unhappy and miserable. Ya know .. It would be interesting to ask her .. if she were of more clarity of thought . she isn't .. but ya know . she's spent her whole life in denial of all this .. and here she is .. it would've been interesting to ask her .. "ya know let me hear what are your thoughts MIL .. let's say you get old enough that you can't adequately take care of yourself .. what do you think should happen" . .and no . she can't answer like she always does .. "I just want that cloud to come get me .. no ... I want an answer, . not a wish for this or that . what is it you think should happen".
SIL: "She probably wouldn't of answered it .. she used to say all the time, if I get old and can't take care of myself, just push my wheelchair out into the road in front of a truck".
Me: "and that is not at all realistic . she's spent her whole life .. in denial of all this .. ".
SIL: "I know".
Me: "Maybe some of this counseling she's supposed to get . .when is that starting by the way? Maybe that anti depressant she's been put on .. maybe some of that will help her to come to terms with all this . that's about all you can do at this point".
SIL: "I know".
So .. all of this long post . just to say .. I find it really hard to hold my tongue .. and just listen .. and just try to be a sounding board.
What I want to say is ..
What the h377 would she have wanted .. who is it she expects will give up their existence . you/me .. DH .. who? to take care of her . what the h377 did she think was gonna happen .. if she lived long enough .. I can't help it she's been in effing DENIAL for all of her life .. that's her problem . and too damn bad it's at a point now that she is almost 90 years old and having to face reality 101 .. and that's not easy to do at 90 years old .. M.A.Y.B.E. ... just maybe .. if you and your brother had been talking on this topic . all along thru the years as her health deteriorated . instead of waltzing off . ."she will manage" .. instead of letting her hold the reigns to what was NOT MANAGEABLE .. over and over .. maybe if you guys had been having this dialogue all along .. yea it would've made her mad as a hornet .. yes it would've . and she still would've been in FRICKIN denial and said just push me out in front of a truck .. but you guys could have and SHOULD have .. all along been countering that notion . rather than just sluffing it off .. you guys . both of you have fed into this damn fantasy of her's that she wouldn't ever grow old enough that she'd need to not be in her home . both of you are at fault .. I was over here shouting it from every roof top . .and still both of you .."She'll manage . it makes her too sad to think of having to leave her home".
Well too frickin damn bad .. time stops for no one . Not even her!
And furthermore .. SIL ........!!!!!!!................ I'm finding it hard to be sympathetic at all ... that's the truth. She has had umpteen years in her damn home that .. in a lot of cases .. older folks simply don't have .. no one to prop it up .. they have to face this juncture .. sooner . she was the beneficiary of getting to stay in her home longer than should've been possible .. and now . now that the road crosses that path .. she wants to whine and lament it all .. I'm kinda over it . and what it's doing to you and to my husband .. and she needs to just shut the h377 up. Just stop it already . it's not any of our fault that she got old . it's not her fault she got old .. it just is what it is .. and sad yes .. but move on .. do the best with what you've got as your circumstances and learn to make the best of it .. and stop it .. stop doing this to you and to DH .. just stop it .. I don't have the patience for all this".
That's what I wish I could say to her.
She was brought in where she is now (POSH) thru some side entrance or something . she'd told me she'd seen some really sad cases there .. I didn't even know they had that at POSH .. I haven't seen it .. but mom was telling me . that she was brought in thru some other entrance . .. and the folks there .. they were all slumped over and looked so far gone .. it was scary to her .. little does she know . her Purgatory will be just that .. precisely .. and .. beyond that likely the other "We are Family Place" and that will be the population there too .. I wish she could've gone to Fancy Pants .. but she just . .maybe 10 years ago she could've but I don't think she can go there now .. she's too far gone .. and it's all just so sad to her .. she talks of .. *everything that means anything to me is being taken from me* ..
SIL just .. I dunno .. ranting . working thru some of it .. in talking to me.
I did say things to her like this: "Ya know . your mom .. she had several .. several years in her home .. that she likely wouldn't of had .. had she not had all of us jumping like servants .. why can't she look at that aspect of all this and be grateful for that instead of wringing her hands at what her fate forward will be, maybe if she'd look at it that way".
SIL: "I know .. I agree with you . I wish she would . maybe at her age, and all her health issues . maybe it's just not possible for her to see it that way .. I dont know .. I wish she would".
I was sharing with SIL a conversation I had with my mother on all this, . my mother aware of where this is all going as to MIL . and fwiw .. my mom also has been on the page for a long time . that MIL needs to be in a supported setting ..
Me: Ya know SIL I was talking to my mom about all this, the two different perspectives couldn't be farther apart. My mom . she says of it all. .. she's had friends in AL's and NH's .. watched some of her friends end up in that path .. and it's not all that bad .. they have friends there, they can play cards, .. arts and crafts .. book clubs .. that they have meals together .. it's not all that bad .. it really isn't .. and in some cases . if they are well enough to do it, they have little excursions to go to a play or something .. it's not all that bad. My mom .. she just doesn't see it that this is a fate worse than death".
SIL: "I know .. I wish mom would see it that way . but she really doesn't.. I don't know that she ever will .. she'll just be sad wherever she is .. she could be brought back home and she was said even here in her home .. sad that she has no life left .. she's just not gonna be happy no matter where she is .. and I can't fix that .. And as you know .. maybe your mom is more social (she is more social) .. MIL isn't like that . she's not gonna want to engage with others . and "those people" .. "those old people" .. so it's .. I dunno .. she's spent her whole life in denial of aging and here it is .. slapping her in the face with a cold wet washrag . that she can't stop it"
Me: "Ya know .. I'll tell you again . something the pastor said to me, .. I don't even think he knew how profound it was when he said it .. but it was a statement that had so much clarity .. it was just an epiphany .. I told you before what he said .. his words, .. "ya know you aren't responsible for your parent's happiness .. their health/well being . when they get old and can't take care of themselves yes .. but their happiness . that's not on you .. they have to make their own happiness .. as best they can".
SIL: "I agree that is profound and something to keep in mind in all of this .. and she's just gonna have to .. as I've taken to saying .. "Bloom where you're planted" .. she's gonna have to find a way to do that. But I don't see it ever happening . not with her .. she likely won't live long after being placed in one of these settings .. I don't see her living much longer".
Me: "and I wouldn't want her to .. if she can't find
I realize there is value in my acting as a sounding board of sorts for SIL. She probably needs someone that has an up close view of all this .. just to bounce things around and talk to about it all. Maybe that should be her brother .. but her brother is busy at work (what else is new) .. and is not all that responsive really to a bunch of "bouncing this around" talking minutia. Maybe her husband .. maybe she does talk to him, but he too .. even more so than DH .. is a man of few words really. I guess, .. maybe I'm the only one in real-time that has an up close view of all this .. that she can talk to about it all .. I don't know. She could probably use a therapist . and I've suggested that several times thru the last few years .. and thus far, . if she's seen fit to do that, . I'm not aware of it.
I know I find value, . enormous value in this AC board .. and all the folks here who have lived it .. and/or are currently living it.
Too bad she can't find something similar, but truly I don't know that she even wants to look up .. and see the views of others who aren't all that involved. Not one really to take advice . unless maybe from M. But M also . someone who is no nonsense . .and cut to the chase .. and not all that touchy feely .. she just isn't.
All of that just to say that .. last night .. she must've just needed to vent, talking to me.
I find it hard to hold my tongue and make sympathetic noises .. and so forth. I just do.
Turns out that SW Jessica went yesterday .. I guess having ok'd it with SIL . .went yesterday afternoon to go meet/greet/assess with MIL. I don't know the results of that .. and likely won't. But in any event, she wants all of to meet for an "Action Plan" next Tuesday. That's fine.
In the end, ... I guess MIL talking to SIL on the phone .. and I guess that brought it all forefront for MIL again .. the fact she will not be going home (ever again) .. and the MIL then telling SIL on the phone, . that she just doesn't even want to live anymore, .. that anything that means anything to her .. is being taken from her, her dog . her home, .. etc. Basically .. MIL .. playing the same broken record we've all heard .. time and again. I don't think she threw in there, "this is all not necessary . I can go home . just me and my dog". Doesn't sound like MIL went there .. not on that point .. but she covered just about every other "woe with me" topic in the path forward .. and then some, in her conversation with SIL.
I try to make the appropriate sympathetic noises .. "yea it must be tough" .. "yea it's gonna be hard" .. I try not to be too oppositional to all that's said . and just sympathize .. I try. But eventually .. it gets harder and harder.
I'm not talking to someone (thankfully) that is on the page of . "poor poor her .. she shouldn't have to do this". Not at all. I'm talking to someone who has a realistic view that her mom needs a supported setting .. period .. .and no two ways about it .. but she is also very sad that her mom's waning days of her life will be spent unhappy ones .. that makes her sad for her mom .. but she also is of the ilk . she realizes . she is not responsible for her mom's happiness .. she has a realization that her mom can choose if she will, to make of her life/circumstances whatever she wishes .. and if she wishes to make it unhappy .. that's her choice .. she does have that recognition about it all, SIL does.
SIL wishes . in her talking to me .. "I sure wish that Fancy Pants place had been an option for her .. I just think the folks there, the population there .. she'd be more inclined to engage . in that setting . it's gonna be terribly sad . she was brought in .. where
When's her discharge date from rehab now?
They had been successfully guilted into taking care of their elderly parents and making sure they were able to stay in their house, although the parents had money for AL. The father had severe dementia and the daughters took turns spending the nights there. He became extremely agitated at night and was abusive.
After several falls, illness and stroke, he ended up in a NH and his wife shortly after that. Not even 6 months after they passed, one daughter died of cancer and the other developed dementia.
This Caregiving role is an unbearable load that many folks carry, a load so great that you yourself don't even realize it until you are submerged and drowning, and then others just don't get how heavy a load it truly is (or they do) and they still do nothing to help, it's so unfair! I hope that your Mom was shown some understanding and appreciation along her Caregiving journey, as so many get so little along the way.
I know that when we were caring for my husband's Father, his other 2 siblings gave Nothing, not even a Thank-You, or even showed their Dad any Love or acknowledgement during his rapid decline with Cancer, it was like he was beyond his usefulness, now that the money well had dried up, thanks to my husband putting his foot down so many years before. We knew that there would be a high likelihood that he would need his retirement monies in his old age, and boy were we right! They would have continued to bleed him dry otherwise. Yes, my husband came from a very dysfunctional family as well, the halls are full of them here.
I guess that's why Dorker's thread hits a chord for so many, and we all learn as we go, sharing our experiences, and helping as we can, so the same mistakes aren't made if possible.
Incidently, husband's siblings fell off the face of the planet (over 1 &1/2 years now), once they recieved their inheritance check, with no regard for their younger brother who did it all for their parents til the end, 13 years of caring for him in our home, and crickits. It's sickening. Things need changing for the family Caregiver, they needs to be more support for us as we travel through this maze, and we need to be suported when the time comes that our parents need placement. The system doesn't make it easy on us, it needs to be more streamline and not such a Cluster***k, of being thrown to the wolves to figure it out on our own. IDK, it's so darn frustrating.
She is . trying to catch up on laundry that got behind .. running to the grocery .. out of a lot of stuff (she's been kinda spoken for and not able to do such) . and has to run to the UPS store to print some things .. "their laptop is with them . but the printer and it's software at MIL's house, not on their laptop . thus they run into problems anytime they need to print something".
And all while also trying to nurse her aching side.
She doesn't intend to go to POSH today and says that tomorrow Poochy has an appt to be seen for his sore on his gums and so that will take care of her morning . Her words: ..We'll likely get there tomorrow afternoon for a visit.
But as she put it: "I'll go visit her tomorrow . but she's gonna have to begin to come to terms with dealing with the staff there .. at POSH .. and they with her, . .when I'm there . she becomes V.E.R.Y. D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T. on me . and asking me . "will you get ____ for me .. will you hand me _____ will you ask the nurse about ______. She needs to begin to do those kinds of things and ask for the help she needs .. she needs it, but I need it too .. for my own well being .. and she's settled now back at POSH and they know her there, . the site is familiar to her .. and so .. I'm gonna just try to back away so much as a presence there".
Good for SIL. About time.
Well, end result is the same: she's never going home, she didn't plan so plans got her. She doesn't have her little poochy with her and she's not independent, and never will be. So sad. Your book could be titled "My MIL: The story of a horrible warning".
How sad, really, the vast amounts of wasted time--just hours and hours of fussing and fussing and the ridiculous coddling involved. It's really been beyond anything you could make up.
Just a note: Since MIL's fine motor skills are shot along with her short term memory, and yes, they package foodstuffs so tightly you need a freakin' chainsaw to open a milk container! talk to the staff and ask that if there is no family present to help MIL to set up her meal tray--would they take the 30 seconds it takes to open things? SIL is probably there so much the staff is grateful for the off hands approach they take.
And--y'know, MIL isn't probably going to get 'better' in the ST memory loss dept. Just accept and deal with it.
Somebody mentioned a white board--my DH had one on his room post surgery and I would write on that and so he would wake up, foggy brained and confused and see the message I'd left him. It helped him, as some of his illnesses had him in the hospital for weeks and he just lost track of time completely.
People who came to visit would be encouraged to write a short note to him and sign their name. He had ST memory loss due to being under anesthesia for a long time and he didn't remember people coming in to see him. He felt so stupid for not being able to recall that so and so had come by.
You can tell MIL stuff over and over and it's just not going to stick. Don't plan on it. Maybe writing things down will help. I used to write my "hours" on this board--came in at 6:30 am, went home at 11 pm. Saved us a lot of arguing--he'd insist I never came to see him and I was there every single day for weeks, every hospitalization (except for the motorcycle crash. I saw him once to tell him I was divorcing him.)( I didn't, but wow, I thought about it. I took care of my daughter and her newborn baby instead of fussing HIM in the hospital for being an idiot).
Oooohhh.....bad memories, shouldn't go there!
Anyway. Things will likely not get a lot better. Barring another fall, MIL will slowly get back to some kind of baseline and that's where they'll try to keep her.
Until the next drama. I kind of wonder if SIL will ever be able to return home--I think she will hang out there in FL until MIL passes.
I can honestly say, and I bet I am not alone in this-that there is not one person in my life who would turn themselves inside out to make my wishes come true. Not one. Kids have their own families, DH cannot even stay at the hospital when I have a colonoscopy, much less 'take care' of me.
All along, that has been my thought---I'm going to have to pay for care. And that's kind of how I would want it.
SIL reminding me the other day (I'd forgotten this story) ...
She'd arrived here back in August to cart her mom off to IL ..
Of course, we all remember .. when SIL arrived here .. MIL in the throes at that point of about 3 weeks of chitapalooza that SIl was wrangling to try to bring under control so they could make that return flight to IL.
SIL reminding me of that time . and the goings on . and that she'd gone outside to bring in a garbage can . here she'd worked for a week .. dietary restrictions, pushing hydration .. trying to wrangle that chitapalooza under control .. gone outside to simply bring in a garbage can .. and came back to her mom sitting at the kitchen table chomping away at a ......
G.R.A.N.O.L.A. B.A.R.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She said, "I thought I'd have a damn heart attack right then and there!", snatched it away from her, "What are you doing?!??!?! You can't eat a granola bar!!!!!!!!".
We actually laughed about it ..
Yes that would've .. I'd of wanted to beat her with the damn thing.
A granola bar . someone who has been on nothing but BRAT foods . and clear liquids . .and she somehow thinks a granola bar is suitable.
HopeFloats: I'm sorry. I haven't ever been witness to someone who has died a premature death at the hands of having been worn out on the c'giving role . but it does happen. I'm sorry you lost your mom to that fate.
DH and I were just the other day marveling at a story from across the street. An old couple lived there when we moved in here .. that was 30 plus years ago .. and they were old then.
Eventually she of that couple got breast cancer .. and fought it .. and ultimately succumbed and died of it.
It was probably about a year later, the husband of that couple .. he was supposed to come get one of his g'kids from school that day .. and he didn't show up . which of course sent up alarm bells. A check there at the house, found him deceased on the floor of their bedroom. Dropped dead ..
We know their grown kids, went to high school with them. They have hung onto that house, for 12 years !!!!!!! I don't know why .. they didn't turn it into rental property .. they didn't sell it .. they just have taken care of the house, coming weekly .. to do the lawn and so forth, having it repainted, so forth. Finally they did sell it . a week or so back.
DH and I marveling at .. while her's was a struggle . breast cancer. It was . in part . the reason the grown kids hung onto the house and it's contents forever . they just were so devastated that both of their parents were gone now .. and it's taken this long .. I guess for them to grasp that . .and let the house go .. and DH and I marveling at .. "if they only knew .. the dad dropped dead on a dime .. what a blessing that was for him . but also for them . there are worse things .. we know .. all too well".
I had a funeral last weekend... everyone saying how nice it was this LO could stay in his home til the very end, just like he wanted. It took every ounce of self control I had to smile and nod instead of going off like a lunatic... oh yes, wonderful, because my mother (you know, the person I am still grieving, the kind-hearted relative that you all have known for years who hasn’t even been gone a year yet) died making sure that happened. Because she was guilted and not supported and stressed beyond what any one person should be. And now, I will never see her again.
Don't get me wrong, I loved the person whose life was being honored. Very much, indeed. But, his life (with extreme dementia, hasn’t done anything or known hardly anyone for years) reaching just shy of centenarian, dying in his home... that ceased to be a priority for me about the time I spent weeks and weeks watching my mother die younger than she needed to. I am sorry, but how insensitive can people be?
I do know the answer to that... just venting. The fact is, they are not informed. That is why CM’s comment on informed sympathy struck such a chord. People who get it, really get it. And people who don’t, can’t.
I think that is why we are all here cheering Dorker and clan on. I honestly don’t think their family is overly dysfunctional. They have issues, but I have seen a lot worse (which maybe says something about me). I think this whole process/line of thinking is beyond common, and it resonates with so many.
I mean, comparisons are odious in some ways. When you have just stubbed your toe excruciatingly, you are not in the mood for some joker to tell you to count your blessings, other people have gangrene.
But Dorker, you and DH and SIL and B and your girls and her daughter - you're all still *there.* And nobody has punched anybody. ? And I promise you, in years to come you will look back and. Okay, maybe not laugh. Look back and be content.
I can't blame B for saying ooo no dear you can't leave your mother don't worry I'll be fine. Poor bloke must be desperate to give his ears a rest from the blue-arsed fly. I'm sorry it takes his sister's funeral for him to get a break.
I don’t think how many adults were in the room would have made a difference. When the Elder is dug into their home shaking a fist stating this is their life and they will call the shots and the family is willing to walk away and eventually let APS find them wallowing in their own filth the adults in the room don’t have a lot of options.
Unless the proper documents are in place for the “adults” to over rule the Elders decisions we find ourselves in your family’s shoes.
MIL I don’t think really could have been over ruled even with documentation until now, this most recent event, the fall in the bathroom. Will she recover cognitively? Remains to be seen.
I have to shower and meet DHs niece at County Appraisal District to help her get her Agricultural paper work approved. Shouldn’t be a problem right? Wrong. Not simple when the Executor of my FILs estate (one of DHs sisters) filed a dirty”, “incorrect”, “unauthorized”, “illegal”, whatever kind of deed to these inherited properties. There is a lawsuit.
Ive read it on this site. Just when you’ve seen your family sink into the basement of dysfunction you slide off into a lower level. That’s where DHs family is 4 yrs after FILs death.
Just shoot me now! It’s just a saying.
I hate to admit it but where DHs family is now makes me feel better about my family.
PS: I have to shower and dress. Don’t want to be told I look like hammered chit. 😆
Comes on present season on Sunday nights at 10 .. but last season .. all .. I think 10 of them . on Netflix .. and DD and YD got me started on it, and I am S.O. A.D.D.I.C.T.E.D. Not one for tv dramas really .. can't tell you when was the last time I got hooked into any tv series. But this one .. OH MY GOODNESS!
Kimber: If I'd of had a crystal ball, or if someone in my shoes asked MO .. I'd tell them .. RUN .. RUN AWAY fast as you can! Don't help/assist .. unless you have it in WRITING . and clearly laid out . that you will have their cooperation when the day comes the LO can no longer manage .. RUN. Don't throw yourself down that hole in the ground.
SIL headed them off .. saying she's been thru quite an ordeal .. don't try to come right now, wait til later this week or first of next week, is what they were instructed by SIL.
Even if you, DH, and SIL had stood firm with the ole bird - "not one iota of help for you and pampered poochy because we do not support your living alone at home" she would have "managed" until she had the medical emergency that decided it for her. I've seen this happen multiple times. Just recently a co-worker of mine ( and new to this site - she has grabbed on like a drowning person to a life ring) announced to her parents that she is no longer driving 3 hours each way to come to their house all weekend every weekend for repairs, cleaning, grocery shopping, meal prep, laundry etc and etc and etc so they could stay in their house and live "independently". They needed to move to AL.
Nothing doing - they could "manage" - well they managed mom into a broken leg on the ice and dad feeling like the house is too much and now he is looking into AL. (mom still not on board). Some seniors cling to their house until they actually die there (my next door neighbor - died falling down the steps less than 48 hours after getting out of rehab - 2 months - from a - yes - fall in his house)
I agree that it isn't over yet. SIL will keep a spinnin', MIL will feel well enough to figure out what is going to happen and start in whinin', manipulatin', poochy missin' and pain in the buttin'
keep us posted - this is so much better than any Netflix drama!
Had Dorker been of the character .. nope ..nothin doin .. don't be looking at me . oh no . no no .. nope .. whole bunch of nope.
Had that been the mantra by Dorker from the getgo in all this ..
Would it have turned a LOT sooner. Who knows. I bet it would've .. So I get the prize for the Enabler to Dysfunction .. at least for a long time.
Had to note in one convo with SIL .. her talking of Fancy Pants . and how she wishes that would've been the setting for MIL (I'm pretty sure that one has a big fat "x" thru it at this point).
SIL: "I think maybe 10 years ago . that would've been the setting for her .. but .. she's not there at this point .. she's too far gone for that setting .. but can you imagine if we'd of tried to get her into that kinda setting 10 years ago, h377 it would've taken a stick of dynamite up her backside to get her out of her home".
I didn't say it .. pointless .. but .. my sentiments .. "no you could've done just as you're doing right now and insisted .. and stood firm in it, both of you .. and she'd of not had any support to remain in her home .. and she'd of had no choice, as is the case presently .. no it wouldn't of taken a stick a dynamite .. it would've taken some adults in the room, acting like adults ..
And another just point of interest in it all, as to a convo between SIL and myself .. and this one I've read about, .. it's generally those who have done the least as to c'giving role . that protest the loudest . and that is in fact, seen here.
Remember DH .. tears .. and sorrow/malaise at this direction forward . his "wish" endless "wish" that fairy dust would somehow right the course of all this .. his "wish" it doesn't have to go this way .. his sadness/despair that his mom is so sad.
He who has done the least . as to the c'giving.
Much the same in OD .. tears on her part, . at having to listen to her granny and her wish to die .. and could she/should she . have taken her own life .. and now she knows the despair that OD felt all these years . and it's not a good place, and it's the pits of despair you can't climb out of . and all of this so disturbing to OD that it brings her to tears . and her .. semi/quasi .. almost protests .. in convo with me .. and asking .. why does it have to go this way.
She too, AWOL .. for her own reasons and her own makeup . not one that has been in the trenches in any of this.
SIL and I both talking of the above . and both of us, one accord on all that.
SIL: DD and YD both get it . but they both have been there, trying to help .. OD hasn't .. she stays absent mostly .. DH .. he hasn't really had to do it .. not hands on .. he is working and can't .. and so the two people who protest the loudest and struggle to grasp all this .. are the two people who were least in it all. You and I Dorker, we know . we know how hard it is . and it's not sustainable . and I was there, . I was like them . but then God said . Okay sister . we're gonna pour it on ya .. and you'll see too .. and I do now".
It ain't over til *the fat lady* sings . not by a long shot. And last I looked, she had lost her tuning fork, wasn't even looking for it. So it's not over and it won't be.
But at least it's a little further down the road than it once was. And the broken hip . if anybody questioned the need for this path . that surely has cemented it all .. it should. As far as I'm concerned she's been overdue for a break of a bone ..it's been coming down the pike. Finally happened. Not surprised, at all.
DH wasn't angry with you because you let anyone down. He was angry because you stopped papering over the cracks - and only when it became truly impossible to carry on, by the way - and he couldn't not see the problem any more. He didn't like it. Well he wouldn't, would he.
As Sir Humphrey put it about government spending: "it isn't the waste of money that upsets the public. It's being told about it."
SIL very much now, where she SO WAS NOT before . very much on the page that her mother needs supported living arrangements. Period. No bending on that, on her part.
What if we were still in that stagnate state .. "She'll manage".
I think that's when people get out a gun .. and shoot one another .. you hear of tragic tales ... such as that.
SIL even .. an attempt at humor .. (on her part) .. we were talking about, she and I, that we haven't, any of us . heard another utterance from MIL .. about the whole protesting having to go forward to a NH or whatever it ends up being . not a word more from MIL (but she's also been down for the count with this broken hip thing).
SIL: "Yea .. I think maybe God said . she aint gettin it .. let's throw her in the floor and break her hip .. maybe she'll get it then".
I am reserving judgement on that. As far as I'm concerned, the reason we haven't heard anymore protests from MIL is not at all because she now sees/accepts it. .. not even close.
It's because she's been so mired in the here and now of the broken hip saga and all that has entailed .. she can't even look past the here and now to look at what is to come.
Give her some time here to catch up .. and "feel better" .. as to the broken hip .. and the protests will begin anew.
And yes, I do think this has got to be one of the highest dysfunctional families that exist. Truly do.
DH forever with his orphaned church kids and church need and hunting .. and to actually ponder the anger and hurt that was hurled at "me" for stepping away .. by him ..
IT'S NOT MY MOM DUDE!
The fights! Dysfunction there .. supreme levels.
His sister .. until mere weeks ago .. this was gonna be her charge . she'd just take this on as c'giver and they'd float back and forth between IL and FL .. and .. asking her, .. at least weeks back .. "and you'll take this on .. what if ________ and ________ .. at what point do you say Uncle . I can't do this .. I mean if she's bedridden you still gonna do this . you can't lift her .. what are your plans?".
Her answer, at least weeks back . "I don't know .. I'm just so mired in the day to day and it's all I can do to get thru each day .. I can't think about tomorrow and what I'll do .. I just take it each day as best I can .. and go to the next and deal with it".
Both of them with their mantras .. forever, "She'll manage .. she doesn't want to have to go into a home anywhere .. we'll all just do the best we can".
"ALL" translating to SIL's visits here every few months .. admirable yes .. but visits that entailed her dancing a jig on her head and balancing 40 plates in the air with her toes .. all to breathe/think/act/speak on her mom's behalf. ANYTHING BUT SIT BACK and look at the damn reality of what was really ongoing . that she isn't here to stand on her damn head and balance 40 plates .. not all the time, what the h377 do you think happens with your mom's care when you aren't here .. oh that's right . you try to direct me ... that's what.
Her brother with the whole: "Well just do the best we can".
"WE" ... translating to me .. as he angrily pointed fingers in my direction as being selfish and cruel .. as to backing away from it all, ... all while he attended to a disintegrating church and it's orphaned children and his hunting ..
DYSFUNCTION?????
You bet .. this family takes the cake, the trophy, the sash with the big bold gold lettering on it, .. and the parade with confetti ... they win the prize.
- You look like hammered sh*t.
- Why, thank you!
Seriously, I'd have taken informed sympathy over a compliment any day of the week.
One of my rural neighbors was going through a similar situation with her Mom at the same time. Her brother states away had POA and Neighbor the Caregiver. Poor neighbor about lost her mind.
We were each other’s inexperienced moral support. Lots of late night phone calls and hundreds of gallons of coffee were drank at my kitchen table crying and laughing and asking the other when have you slept or showered because “you look like hammered chit”. We both have a dark, warped sense of humor so that helped.
I think this whole saga is book worthy. I had to google the illustrator mentioned. LoL! She would be perfect!
I can think of 4 friends that I have known them and their parents most of their lives. The storm is coming for them. I would buy the book for them!
When we are going through this we think our family is the absolute worst! We think some of the goings on are down right embarrassing! Too embarrassing to be shared! But in your desperation you have shared a lot that others would not. I can relate to that. I think someone needs the details to understand the situation.
I am so glad you found this site and that so many have continued to support you.
I hope you and SIL are recovering from the respiratory crud.
In all reality . SIL had been there most of the day .. but "time" ... it's all lost on MIL at this point.
Me in conversation on above: "wow .. she just doesn't recognize time anymore".
SIL: "yea and ya know . she's been in and out of the hospital so the staff there know her . and here she was . landing there again . some that had taken care of her before, . came by to talk to her, . .she doesn't remember .. didn't remember any of them .. she'd just been there .. she'd only been gone from there a couple of days into POSH from the broken hip thing . and some who'd taken care of her, .. saw shes' there again . and stopped in to say hi . and she doesn't remember any of them .. ".
Me: "Wow . yea her short term memory is shot .. she can tell ya all about when she grew up in tiny town USA . or when she married, or raising her kids, .. or whatever . from eons ago . but she can't tell you what happened yesterday or two hours ago".
SIL: "She sure does play the card though to try to get you to stay with her .. she really plays that one .. she struggles with being alone .. she wants you to stay with her .. and not leave her alone . but she's gonna have to figure out how to get thru doing just that ... she's going to be .. going to a place where she will have people around, it just won't be the people she wants/family .. but so be it . she's gonna have to get used to it".
I didn't say it to SIL because one cannot put hope where there really isn't much with SIL . .I wanted to shout "HOORAY" .. just in the fact that SIL has some recognition that her mom is gonna have to cross that bridge . just the fact SIL puts voice to that notion . and one can then infer that she too realizes . she cannot be there all the time, and one might *hope* she sees that herself and will take that approach.
But one does not "hope" a whole lot with this whole thing. SIL who is the enablers of the Enabler Club .. she might put voice to what it is others see, recognize .. and actually speak it herself . but she will also go running .. to open plastic ware packets and milk cartons and speak/breath/act/think . on site for her mom .. around the clock too . . even though she just said the words, "her mom is gonna have to get used to it".
So .. she headed on home . stopping off to try to find some dress slacks at a dept store for B .. so that he can get on a plane this weekend to St. Louis to his sister's funeral .. and that's the last I talked to her.
I haven't talked to her or anyone else in it all this morning..
No DH didn't get by there yesterday to POSH or to the hospital before it ..
He was sunk .. eyeball deep in trying to catch up on being behind in his work .. he didn't even get in until after 9 .. and he even said out loud, looking at his watch "Damn .. I guess it's gotten too late to call mom".
YD had come in earlier from her visit with her granny .. she said it all went okay .. said that one can tell MIL isn't herself .. and she's tired ..
That's about the sum of it all right now.
MIL was in hospital o'nite .. for the fiasco of the whole transfusion thing. That was done, she was kept o'nite at the hopsital for observation.
So fast forward to yesterday AM. Assumption that she'd be discharged back to POSH.
Talking to SIL yesterday AM as she was preparing to head to the hospital . and from there, I guess be on site .. to do whatever it is that SIL thinks she needs to do . as to the xfer to POSH. That's when SIL had mentioned that B's sister did die . and that he is to fly out this weekend to St. Louis. I tried to encourage her to go with him . and she even entertained that notion momentarily. In the end, however, her husband nixed that .. telling her to stay here, she's needed here by her mom . and he doesn't wanna get mixed up with all the need here on this end, . and have her with him in St. Louis and some calamity befall the whole thing on this end .. so just stay here and deal with your mom and I'll go on to St. Louis for the funeral.
So SIL then on her way at that point to hospital to do whatever it is that SIL does .. as to all these things.
Me not on the scene .. bronchitis .. I'm staying away. DH not on the scene .. he is behind in his work .. from all the comings and goings as to his mom . and so him yesterday very much sunk in his work and trying to make headway.
MIL's hemoglobin up to a 9.5 (actually had been a 10 the night before, so 9.5 . was a drop of a bit) .. I asked if that's considered a problem and no .. it will fluctuate some .. needs to eat some red meats, . leafy green veggies, . .. but yes, would be xfer'd back to POSH at some point, SIL on site there at the hospital with her mom.
Sounds like PT came by .. and for the first time (maybe because of the transfusion and that also resulting in some rise now in what had been previously too low of BP) .. they were able to get her up .. and onto the walker, and to stand for 1 minute. That's new. That hasn't happened before, her being too light headed and nauseous to stand . .to even be upright.
So .. xfer now on order, back to POSH she is to go .. and so that did take place in the afternoon . and SIL on site for xfer.
Went off with no hitches. Her back into POSH now.
SIL stayed a bit longer, to help her with her food tray for dinner .. (she struggles with .. as maybe a lot of old people .. and I guess not all old people have hoverers see to such) .. she struggles with things like opening the carton of milk . peeling back the little aluminum top off the applesauce .. opening the little packet of plastic ware .. salt and pepper packets that kinda thing . and cutting up her foods. SIL on site to see to same for her, for the dinner tray.
About that time YD arrived to visit her granny .. and so SIL said her g'byes and left YD with it, and SIL headed on home.
SIL called me . on her way home . remarked that she thinks she'll be okay for the night (my thought .. and if she isn't .. she'll still be fine, she's in a facility with hired skilled trained professionals but okay whatever). SIL remarking that her mom . .while maybe not as confused as we have seen .. has absolutely zero as to time . .and how that works . her short term memory is shot all to h377.
Goes about like this as related by SIL in conversation to me:
SIL: "So I was preparing to leave, YD there to visit . and she says to me "But you just got here". I said mother, .. I didn't just get here, . .it's 6:30 .. I got here at 10 this morning . don't you remember you were eating your breakfast try and I helped you with that and the doctor came in and we talked to him . and then I ordered your lunch tray and helped you with that .. and it's now 6:30 .. I've been here almost all day".
I don't know what her mother said in response if anything .. but point being .. "time" is a loss to her. I guess in MIL's experience of it all .. SIL just got there .. even though in all reality
In my book, your family wins the trophy for being exemplars of good people running up against the pointy end of the human condition. No monsters or criminals, not even especially dysfunctional (there are some right ones out there on the forum, lest we forget). Your thread is a complete saga on What Can Happen if you haven't thought it through and talked together.
Possibly also with instructive elements of how not to handle what can happen, in certain sections..!