I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
MIL can dig in her heels and refuse to budge one inch outside her door and there's not a damn thing any of us can do.
APS might be interested in it all though, before all is said and done .. if she's left alone again and Chitapalooza ensues again, as Rainmom put it.
I guess what really burns me to the core is this. As DH said of it all, "she doesn't sing that sad tale to me anymore". He goes on to say that he has sat and listened to his mom's laments about it all, .. sat patiently .. and listened, let her talk. Only to then follow it up with some frank response of "Mom it's not safe that you continue to live alone". He hasn't let her play that fiddle over and over.
Thus, that sad tale, it's not being played in his ear any longer. (Nor is it in mine). He calls her usually daily .. on his lunch time. "How are ya mom". He gets, "oh I'm fine". He calls her on occasion in the evening when home from work, .. same responses. She's not playing that fiddle in his ear any longer (nor mine).
Why would SIL not do the same, "mother it's just not safe that you continue to live alone".
No. She "entertains the notion" with a response of "you don't have to do this if you feel you just can't do it".
Who the H3!! does she think is going to support it all?
You guys ..............!!!!!!.................it was just weekend b4 last when she was imploring DH to stay there for the weekend to look after their mom .. us with plans for the water park. I didn't weigh in on that whole thing, let DH choose what he wants to do.
He chose to forgo staying with his mom .. and go to the water park with his family.
Right, wrong? I don't know, I don't weigh in any longer. I used to, .. I'd be over here packing his bags and urging him to go stay and look after his mom. I don't do that anymore. Nor do I pack my bags to do so.
SHE WAS JUST ON THE PAGE that her mom is so acutely ill that someone needs to be there and attend to her. WE WERE JUST THERE, ............!!!!!!!!!!!!
But she says to her mom, "you don't have to do this if you feel you just can't do it".
What the LIVING H377?!?!?!??
Yes, I get it .. maybe SIL is feeling the ill effects of just how trapped this has the potential to be in the end .. her mom falls and is grievously injured there .. and can't return here .. to her home she so loves and doesn't wish to depart .. yea .. I get it ......... OMG ......... now what?
I get it.
Her mom gets up there and is being mouthy and disruptive to her husband and his well being .. and the stress that creates.
I get it.
There are worries fraught throughout .. I get it.
That doesn't, any of it .... somehow negate and make it a non issue that she's not safe to live alone anymore.
None of it does. Oh but, "you don't have to do this if you feel like you just can't do it".
Well do what then?
Just stay there, with MOW's going in the trash can every day .. and Lasix being played fast and loose and Gabapentin that never touches her lips .. and when she's sick .. she can't take care of herself ... the fall risk, the ever present fall risk, the chit stained clothes and walls and whatever, aged dog w/all his special needs she can't see to any longer, just all of it.
Yep, it's all good.
I'll just stay here in IL and get "TEAM MIL" to steppin and fetchin .. oh yea, TEAM MIL doesn't exist .. I'll continue to summon YD and Dorker and DH . from afar as to all the need ..
WTH?!??!
"Chitapalooza"
and
"MIL gets diarrhea, it isn't contained and all 4 dogs track it all over the house."
I suspect SILs self-absorbed daughter is giving her mother heck about bringing MIL there for a few months because she knows it will interfere with dog sitting duties and she might have to make other arrangements. So she is probably putting a bug in SILs ear, filled with lots of negativity.
It really does rest on DH. Do NOT allow him to waver. Talk it through with him daily. Dry not to explode (easier said than done), but continually remind him of little things that have been extremely aggravating (i.e. the whole AC issue last summer, the latest diarrhea incident, and everything in between. Also frequently remind MIL of all of these and the fact that she CANNOT manage.
I hope the dirty undies are still stewing in MILs laundry room, waiting to greet SIL.
We are pulling for you and we WILL be celebrating here when MIL actually gets on the plane. I have faith that it will happen and the reason it WILL is because you have stepped away. If you were still stepping and fetching, heck no, there would be NO chance of MIL going to IL.
Let's hope MIL doesn't get a popcorn delivery within the next two days!
I have thought of a few things that might happen once MIL is at SIL's house:
1. The unruly granddogs come to be dogsat and they injure Poochy. And suppose it's fatally?
2. The unruly granddogs trip MIL, she falls, breaks something, she goes into the hospital, then rehab, then...what? Permanent residence with SIL?
3. Everyone's temper flares because of the disruption of the basement work. Things get said (I'm thinking nastiness by MIL to SIL's H) that can't be unsaid. MIL is booted out of SIL's house and flown back to FL.
4. MIL gets diarrhea, it isn't contained and all 4 dogs track it all over the house.
Fun times, indeed.
BUT remember, Dorker...all of this is out of your control. You can't control one bit of what happens. I am willing to bet that MIL does indeed go to IL. (Now how long she stays is another issue to bet on...)
But I actually hope mil has a couple
of rounds of diarrhea on SILs first and second day there. Let her see what leaving a fail old woman - at this current stage of “compromised” - what leaving her alone to attend Chitapalooza really looks like.
It was when I discovered my own mother couldn’t change her soiled Depends without covering herself and the bathroom with poop - that I had to call it and make the really hard choices.
Was my mother happy about having to go to a NH? Oh HELL NO!!! If she could have summoned the demons of hell to come take me down she
would have. Yet I LOVED my mother too much to let her wallow in chit!!!
Is sil able to say the same?
I’ve lost where we are in the countdown. Like others here I have expected the drama to ramp up before SIL arrives.
It really doesn’t matter but I would be curious to know how much of these feelings being expressed in these texts are actually MILs and how much are SILs. But still doesn’t matter. MIL and SIL have put themselves in this situation and this is theirs to to figure out.
I think SIL is freaking the he77 out. When/if MIL arrives in IL SIL is basicically stuck. No flight out/escape for her (SIL). What if MIL becomes suddenly too debilitated to fly back to FL.
DH flip flopping, his words I think, if MIL stays “we will do the best we can”, I don’t think he realizes the we he refers to is himself and the mouse in his pocket.
Yep. MIL, SIL, and DH...I think things are fixing to get real tense. As long as the three of them are clear where your boundaries are going forward there’s nothing you can do. Try not to let your head explode.
One good thing is that SIL is no longer whining to you. She has found you to be a brick wall. Good job!
Yes! Caregiving for uncooperative non compliant elders does fracture families. Some family memembers do too much, some do nothing. Feelings get hurt, resentment forms.
SIL, MIL,DH had a bonus player in this equation for far too long, you. So naturally when you stepped away the wheels fell off.
Considering dh seems to have a major hall pass in almost all of this bull chit - I hope the least he can do is stay firm and committed to The Plan.
Time to put on his big boy pants and do the right thing here. Since sil is incapable of acting like a grown up with half a brain - it’s up to him to FINALLY step up in a meaningful way.
I cant imagine anyone here at AC - or anywhere else on this planet relished the day they had to become their parents parent. But if ever there is a situation that calls for “tough love” - this is it.
At that he lists, not me ...
She throws her MOW's in the trash
She doesn't take her meds
Can't take care of herself when she's sick
Can't get out and do anything for herself
At that I told him, pinching my fingers together, "I'm about this close to loading her up and hauling her to a nursing home to go visit some people who don't have anyone in the face of the planet that cares whether they live or die .. or how their world looks .. then tell me how bad this is .. I'm so over it".
He only shook his head in acknowledgement.
He then said, "you don't need to do anything .. this is happening .. whether she likes it or not .. she's going".
(((FWIW .. I don't hold a lot of confidence in his assurances. SIL gets here, MIL cries the blues .. SIL leaves again .. MIL in place here .. and DH with his .. "well whaddya want me to do, I can't tie her up and drag her outta there" .. and .. supposed TEAM MIL the end-all-be-all once again)))
So scuse me if I don't hold a lot of faith in any assurances of "this is gonna happen, whether she likes it or not".
Yes I am livid. Beyond livid.
What in the h3!! is wrong with his sister that she would play into all this? What's wrong with her.
At this point it should be all about, instead of lamenting .. poor poor mother and I feel so bad about it all for her, .. and I told her she doesn't have to do this if she just isn't able. It should be more about, .. "I hate it for her, but this is just the next step .. that we've been on borrowed time .. and not taking .. ".
I have had it! I mean it.
So glad those sentiments aren't imparted to me. And no, it's not lost on me that's probably quite on purpose. If she can get DH on the page she's on, and then have DH turn to Dorker, with a "We just have to do the best we can here...", as has been the case for far too long .. and "the best we can" aint good enough anymore for someone in her situation .. we aren't an AL. The support aint there.
If she could get DH on that page (and she stands a better chance at doing that, than she does getting Dorker to actually wear that sentiment). There's *good reason* she is imploring this poor saga to DH.
I think my head is going to explode, I mean it. I am furious.
This is why families end up not speaking to one another. This is why .. you see those things .. "forgive .. whatever past transgressions .. we're all family .. forgive and love one another".
How bout .. you face the music SIL .. your mom cannot live alone anymore, unless you want it to get real damn ugly at how that looks .. her not caring for herself adequately. The days of you waltzing off to IL .. and directing from afar, you've seen, .. that is no longer in place. For God's sake .. your mom was spewing chit in every direction a week ago .. and nobody to look after her ... but poor poor mom, this is so awful for her and so upsetting and I told her she doesn't have to do this if it's just too much for her.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so glad these text convo's happen between DH and SIL ... I would come undone!
So this morning, .. DH mentions his mom is coming apart. I asked, .. "really?".
He pulls his phone off his hip .. all while telling me, .. he'd gotten a text from his sister .. that he wants to read to me, hesitates to do so, he says, as he knows it will anger me. Further, .. states that his mom doesn't "share" these sentiments with him .. only, apparently, with his sister.
With that he proceeds to read to me, what his sister texted to him.
Basically ... that the mother is so upset and overwrought and the thought of all this impending xfer to IL for a stay at her house. That she is still suffering some diarrhea .. maybe it's all the emotional upheaval .. aggravating her Diverticulitis .. and that the mom says she feels absolutely sick, when she thinks of all that has to be done, in prep to do this. The sister goes on to say that she has assured their mom she is coming and will do it for her, .. there's nothing she has to do. That she will work to make her home as comfortable as she possibly can for her mom. That she's securing a chair she can get in and out of .. that she's borrowed numerous things from the lending closet .. as to wheelchair, walkers, .. that she's having a toilet brace apparatus installed, had bathroom faucets changed, door knobs changed, .. having grab bars put in .. blah blah blah.
Goes on to say that she worries the disruption of the basement work will cause the mom too much anguish. But doesn't know what to do, .. has to be done, the work in the basement.
That the mother is so worried, .. she wants the lock changed onto the front of the privacy fencing so the yard man can get in and out of the b'yard (at that DH turns to me, that's not gonna work, it's not how the fencing/gate is set up) .. he goes on to say .. she's worried about the gutters that are too full and in need of cleaning out, .. and she's worried, what if her A/C stops working while she's gone.
Goes on to say, ... she's just so upset and so worried, .. and says she's content right where she is, "I hate it for her".
Goes on to say (get this, this is where my head explodes)
"I told her, you don't have to do this if you feel it's just too much for you, and you can't do it".
((I thought my head would explode, and I thought I might pick up something and throw it)).
She goes on from there, to report the mom having said, .. "No I know this will be good for me, I need to do this .. I just have to get myself emotionally and physically ready for this".
Blah blah blah on and on it goes.
I asked DH what did he respond. He read to me, his response. Basically, .. "Mom doesn't need to be living alone anymore, she's a fall risk .. and she can't take care of herself. I have told her SEVERAL times I will be routinely checking on her house".
The sister then comes back with, "I just feel so sad for her, she doesn't want to do this and it makes her so upset".
DH said he didn't respond any further. As he put it, in talking only to me, "You see I just kept it simple, my response .. my sister is setting it all up so that mother doesn't have to do this .. mother doesn't share all this lamenting with me, I call her and it's "oh I'm just fine" .. but with sister she is playing this all like a broken record and sister is playing right into it all, she's setting it up that it's all going to be too much .. Mother doesn't need to be alone, she's a fall risk".
To that I only responded, "fall risk is one thing DH .. nobody can prevent her from falling, not your sister, not an old folks home, . nobody .. that's only one small aspect....", at that he interrupted, ... "... but important someone is with her in case she falls". I responded, "That yes .. but the fact is .. she doesn't take care of herself, . she isn't able to do it".
And Dorker - let’s call ‘em like we see ‘em. in other words, Illinois Niece’s dogs are spectacularly ill-behaved. When someone describes how “good” a dog is with a string of exceptions and disclaimers, they are actually saying how undisciplined and unpleasant the dog is.
MIL’s dog is no prize, either. From what you have said, he only “behaves” in very contained, very specific circumstances. And I’m sure his toileting habits are way out of sync with a normal household’s expectations.
These 4 dogs in the same home will be trouble. To think otherwise is (another) shining example of magical thinking and varsity-level denial.
Dorker, keep practicing this phrase: “I’m very sorry to hear that.” You’ll get a lot of mileage out of it.
As to the 3 doggies. Of the 3, one of them is a big dog yes, .. and when it sees a squirrel outside or whatever, it looses it's doggie brain .. and jumps everywhere, trying to get to the squirrel outside.
Of the other two doggies, they are very small-ish doggies. One of them has some emotional issues/food aggression.
I just can't imagine having 4 dogs in one home .. with an elderly with balance/mobility issues. Doesn't sound like a good plan to me. Particularly if one of those 4 dogs is gonna be one that looses his mind when an outside critter happens to appear.
As to how MIL's poochy will get along with the other 3. I don't expect there'd be any huge problems, .. other than the food aggression issues the one dog has. But they deal with that by securing the other dogs, so that one can eat. I suppose MIL's dog would have to also be secured away. MIL's dog is so old, he doesn't get "excited" about much anymore.
All has been eerily quiet on the MIL and SIL front today and I'm staying under cover, in the hopes it stays that way.
It's hard not to stay stuck on (and maybe that can improve once the decompression can commence) ....stay stuck on the whole .. past history of it all. It so aggravates me that SIL wants to continually run up and down the flagpole all the stresses that she's weathering in all this prep to get MIL there, .. and what life will be w/MIL in residence there, and the whole *workers on the scene* and her "hope" they can all get along, etc etc etc.
Does she think it was a walk in the park for me, back when MIL was hospitalized a few years back and I ran afoul of my workplace .. for being out of work, and risked being written up for attendance issues. Does she think that was a blase' moment in my life. It was anything BUT.
I've never been written up and/or called on the carpet, ever, by any employer in all my life. I am not a "problem child", to anyone, ever. I tow the line.
SIL was out of the country at that point in time, traveling. Their mom hospitalized, for what turned out to be A-Fib .. (which we already had a dx of, she'd just quit taking her meds for some unexplained reason). Me missing work, to attend to that situation and then being "spoken to" at my work, as a result.
SO MANY instances that can be named .. as to living life "ON" .. as to the situation with trying to be there, for MIL and her varied needs.
And she wants to throw out there all the stress she's now enduring as she preps to bring her mom to her home? Guess what, is about my opinion .. this should've occurred long ago .. what would you have done all these years, if you didn't have a Dorker on the scene here, to be so vigilant in your mom's care?
In truth, when she gets her to IL .. maybe first and foremost .. she can get her mom stronger. We'll see. But beyond that, .. she's likely not gonna have much support .. as to "others" to lean on, in the whole set up. Her husband, absolutely, .. he will (being the kind soul that MIL doesn't deserve) .. he will, most definitely step forward and do .. (within his limited capabilities) what he's asked to do. But has to be asked, doesn't "see it for himself, ever".
((As an aside, MIL won't ride with him in the car, thinks he is too dangerous)).
So him taking her anywhere, is off the table for consideration. But he can certainly cart the dog here and there, and or go get things. And he will, if asked.
But that's the sum of what she'll have as any help. Her daughter, .. pretty damn self centered and selfish .. yes, the same daughter that routinely leaves her dogs in SIL's care, same daughter.
And in answer to how frequently this occurs. Most weekends, and then some beyond that, as the daughter does a lot of recreational travel.
Stuff is going to get better or I am going to walk. That's how tired I am of MY 500 lb of toubles.
My DH is just being a supreme pill. I can see that I can deal with it. He's goofy and definitely has problems, but I am calling in the ranks ( our kids) and I KNOW he doesn't want my son to come back and kick his butt for a week or so.
Tonight is a "come to Jesus" moment---poor man, I will have the nitro pills handy, b/c I AM going to blow sky high at him.
We can turn Dorker's thread into a book club. That's better.
I hadn't thought of the precariousness of MIL's balance with three dogs running around. Are they big unruly dogs? If so, YIKES!
..........and her daughter for continually dumping 3 dogs that she decided to be an owner to, onto her mom .. both of them".
This is what I said to MIL on the topic. She agrees. But .. that's their lives and we both realize ..we can't control what they do on that end.
I then said the following:
"Well .. with your poochy going with you on this trip .. looks like SIL will then have to tell her daughter she's gonna have to make other arrangements for her dogs, finally".
MIL responded: "oh ya think that's how it's gonna go huh?".
I responded: "Well surely she's not gonna try to house and care for her 3 dogs and yours too at the same time .. 3 dogs under foot and you with all your mobility/balance issues, that sounds like a recipe for disaster, I wouldn't do it".
MIL: "This is S we're talking about here, .. I don't see it that way .. I think she'll still take those dogs in at every corner, .. its' gonna be a zoo there".
((Yes it will, if she takes in 3 dogs and her mom's dog also there .. a zoo. But again, .. I can't control that. SIL yes, needs her azz kicked up between her shoulder blades if that's what she agrees to do while her mom is in residence there. And the daughter also, but that's out of my control. But it will be one more mark, for MIL to say "Im never doing that again", and SIL will just play right into it. Far be it from SIL to tell her adult, almost 40 yo daughter .. NO)))
Sounds serious .. like time to move serious. But what do I know, .. I am FL born and raised, and we don't have basements.
So it's just to repair the damage there and prevent ultimate collapse.
Yes, I too see that daily we will have ongoing saga/drama ... it's coming. I'm literally kinda ducking for cover, to stay out of the line of fire this week and next and hoping, .. out of sight out of mind.
As to Thursday's visit, SIL mentioned getting the deets on her flight to me, so that I can pick her up. That's fine .. I'll do so. She has used UBER before to get to and fro, and if I'm not available, she'd have to do that. But I don't mind going to get her.
It might present opportunity to .. her in the car with me, .. on the ride from the airport to MIL's .. and her gnashing her teeth and wringing her hands over all the stress ... remind her that life here .. it aint in a bubble and all is well, .. we do the best we can too .. as to patching it all together .. and trying to help MIL .. and she'll do the same.
I mean seriously .. it's a "stress" to her, . one of the many .. as she lists all she is to attend to, and one of those is to get the dog to the groomer. Seriously?!?!?
Can we not prioritize maybe, and find it suitable that can be done once in IL? Seriously?!!??? It's that important?
It's like she wants this pristine ... all the world in order .. and no messiness .. no other "things" pulling/tugging at her existence, .. and she be able to focus solely on MIL and her well being when she gets here up to IL .. and that .. and only that, her sole focus .. and all the other "mess" of life .. she wants to dispense with it all prior to getting her mom in her home.
It doesn't work that way. Believe me, I'm here to attest to it. Guess what ...SIL .. you remember when you had the neighbor go get your mom an AC unit for her window .. her AC out .. and that then necessitated that DH stop what he was doing to go install it. Guess what, our world at that moment included two newborns staying here, .. and he and the newborns' dad .. moving them from their home .. to the new home .. and preparing new home, with some doors knobs and fencing and painting .. and ... packing boxes .. the mom of newborns in no shape to assist ... having just had a c-section. That was our world .. but we had to do it. You will too .. life happens.
Guess what SIL .. when I said to you all that I wouldn't be able to focus on MIL, at the arrival of newborn twins .. and we need another plan. What happened, MIL hospitalized with a UTI .. and me called to that front, abandoning my daughter in her hour of need ..
Don't go there with me about "stress". I've lived it .............. your turn! Your mom.
One other little side note that has been discussed in previous days here. Last time I was with MIL. She mentioned "poor poor SIL .. and the care of those dogs that her daughter dumps there". We both, MIL and myself, .. for that matter, all of us, .. see SIL as a doormat to her kids .. if they asked her to go play with razor blades in the traffic .. she'd do it. We all see that in SIL .. and .... a true thru and thru inability to say the word no.
That was our topic of conversation, MIL's and mine.
I said the following as MIL lamented that her daughter, once again has "those dogs".
"S (SIL) and M (her daughter) both of them need their azzes kicked up between their shoulder blades .. your daughter needs to learn the word *NO* .. and
I have a feeling there will still be daily drama once (IF) MIL gets to IL and we will still be entertained. Fingers and toes crossed, and hoping and praying the move happens.
Having gone through a sort of similar scenario with a stubborn old woman who insisted on staying in her home and everyone taking care or her, which finally ended with her in AL after I backed off and showed some tough love, I'm betting this will end the same way, although MIL will NOT go quietly into the night.
I know! This thread is the best part of agingcare.com! Once MIL is safely ensconced in IL, the only reason to keep coming back is for Midkid58's thread.
(The new forum format makes it just difficult enough to not bother to come back for anything else.)
happy Dorker gets her life back even for awhile.
I hope I get to find out.
No the basement of her home has no entry/exit. Other than the stairs in the interior of the home, to gain access to her basement. There's nothing down in the basement, at all, that would be of concern or need to MIL. Nothing. The entire living level of her home, .. ground level, is where the bedrooms/kitchen/living/bathrooms .. all of it, on that one single lone floor of her home. No need for MIL to concern herself at all, .. with entering the basement.
I'm sure yes, .. with workers coming and going, that's somewhat problematic, but not at all, such a tragedy that one can't just deal with it. I'm sure yes, somewhat of a nuisance to listen to the banging and framming ongoing .. but that too, not something that's so obtrusive it can't be tolerated. It's just ridiculous how this is being run up the flagpole continually as some issue that should be so problematic. It's isn't.
And also ... just to point out how MIL's existence here, and her lack of any socialization and shut in status .. it has so permeated our lives with her need.
Yesterday . we had the two 1 yo's for the day, in our care. DH and I set out to run a few errands, and go to the park for a bit with the babies. While out he said the following:
"Maybe we should haul them out to mom's and go visit her for a little while".
I frowned, turned up my nose. That was met with, "Wha???... you don't wanna do that?".
My response: "No, not really I don't ... there won't be any *visiting* your mom .. if that's what you're looking for, it will be all about you chasing one, me chasing the other one, thru her house and all her knick knacks and no way to confine them, there aren't any baby gates there .. or doors to close to cordon them off, so no .. no I'm not really interested in doing that".
So we came back home.
Then .. today .. he and I headed out to a place we like that's way way way out on the other side of the world from here, for a late lunch .. a favorite place. We know that MIL also likes this place.
Him: "Should we call and see if mother would like us to come get her, I know it's a long way out there .. but maybe it'd be a nice outing for her".
Me: "I don't care, whatever you wanna do".
He did call her, but her answer: "Oh I bet you and Dorker are ready to go right now aren't you .. I can't do *right now* ever .. to go anywhere. With me, I'd have to know well in advance, .. and I'm sure you and Dorker want to get going, since it's so far out there, .nevermind me .. I'll be fine right here", she declined to go.
But THAT is just how much she and her presence permeates our existence here.
It's only fair that SIL now live that for a while. Let she and her DH figure out whether they want to include her in a dinner/lunch out .. anytime the thought comes up to go do so. Or .. sit with the, "oh gee, .. no I don't wanna" and the feelings that invokes.
So many many good reasons why this so badly needs to happen.
At this point, I'm just almost holding my breath waiting for some big huge calamity that puts the brakes on all this .. and it halts, as to any plan. Can't exhale til the plane has departed.
The phone call from MIL to DD, over the foods that will need to be donated. Was it just an elderly person who doesn't clearly "think" anymore. Think about the fact this isn't pressing, think about the fact this is something that indeed one can leave a message, and that's the end of it, not all that pressing. "Think" about the fact you leave a message for someone requesting a return phone call and tag it "urgent", that person is going to think it's precisely that "urgent", and then that person is gonna gets supremely aggravated, to find it's not all that urgent. This elderly person who doesn't "think" all that clearly anymore.
Or does she?
Does she delude herself to think that DD will throw her that all coveted lifeline and implore all involved to back off her poor frail g'ma and leave her be?
Who can say. But yes, frustrating. I can tell you that's MIL's MO though. I can't tell you the number of times that I've seen DH on the phone with her, and just in shear frustration he pulls the phone away from his ear, a look of exasperation on his face, .. as she yakety yaks on, not coming up for air, .. for all she knows he put the phone down and walked away to go take a shower. She certainly isn't "interacting". It's her, off to the damn races, .. and no one else can talk.
And as for SIL and all her stresses .. stresses she chooses to repeatedly run up the flagpole, I dunno .. an effort to call the dogs off here, and have the brakes put on any of this. Maybe.
She's so busy getting door knobs changed to levers rather than knobs .. (I can't honestly remember what MIL's house uses on doors, levers or knobs, I don't know, I'd have to look). Grab bars, .. brace for toileting .. some bed brace thing she's ordering, and the pet steps, so the dog can enter and exit her bed (yes, she has that here, but one can't pack that to fly with it), and she working to get a walker there, . a wheelchair (I'll clue ya if she gets her mom to sit in a wheelchair it'll be a miracle).
So she stresses about all that, .. as well as the work in the basement, that she thinks will be too much disruption for her mom.
Let me tell ya, there can't be much more disruptive than when we sheltered her here last year during the hurricane and our guest bathroom at that point, under construction .. and consisted of nothing .. and I mean NOTHING .. but a toilet, and a plywood floor. No sink in which to brush your teeth .. no sink to wash your hands, no bathtub shower, .. nothing. That was it, a toilet and a plywood floor, that's what the bathroom as at that point. We have a master bathroom that was fully functional but it's far too small for her to enter with her walker.
We had to scurry and get a porta brace thing . for that toilet, to accommodate the fact she can't get up and down.
It's like SIL fails to realize .. you aren't gonna find a time in your life to bring her there and put her in a nice protective little bubble where life is serene and there are no upsets .. in any direction, it doesn't exist.
We have had to, for the last SEVERAL years .. just do the best we can .. with upending our lives on a moment's notice dependent upon MIL's needs, irregardless of what's going on in our world and whether it was disruptive to us or her! Get over it SIL .......... you can do the same!
I haven't even mentioned it to anyone and in fact, kinda surprised MIL hasn't noticed it. Her shrubbery (she has a lot of it) .. it's all getting a bit leggy and in need of some trimming.
I am purposely staying out of that. Anyone that remembers last year's saga of my having found a yard crew to clean up for her, and the snafu that all created .. I'm out of it.
SIL has someone she calls upon to do such things for her mom. Her mom hasn't obviously noticed it .. or she'd of been whining that needs done. Maybe SIL when she gets here. Whatever.
Dorker, you go on and have a Wonderful Vacation from all of THIS STRESS, I'm sure that it will All Resume, once Hurricane Season is over, and She's Back to her home! My God, I Hope that they will have a Better Plan in place when she returns! She Really needs to be in some sort of Senior Supported Living, that's for sure!
It's Pathetic to see this Dysfunctional Family in Action, they are so good at doing the dance, Poor Me, oh My! You may just have to put Your Foot Down and say I'm Friggin Tired, She's Got To Go, or I'M OUT for GOOD!
These next few days are going to get Weird, Mark My Words!
Ok, so yeah, we're up to red lights and orange is imminent.
SO...
MIL is planning, after her own fashion to do forward. Or she's laying on some thick guilt "I'm not going to be here to eat this food. I'm being forced to GO SOMEWHERE, so someone should eat this". ( ONE message left to that effect would have been FINE, of course, but then, she couldn't have been dramatic enough). Bet the 4 yo will just LOVE those old MOW's.
SIL is freaking out b/c MIL needs so much pre planning. Her DOG Is getting better planning than she is. The irony is not lost. The ONLY thing that dam dog needs is the DOCUMENTS stating he is a "service animal". Period.
All the meds--what a hoot. Well, SIL will make sure she takes them. And yeah. she should wear compression hose for the day. No worries, put them on before she leaves for the airport. Ta-dah! And I HOPE with a pair of Depends on. Dignity be damned! I was recently on a flight with an elderly gent who had a bladder accident and it was awful....No way that seat could have been used until HAZMAT cleaned it up. Traveling with his son---just very sad.
She takes Cipro "on a whim?" That's epically dumb. It won't WORK when/if she actually needs it. Gabapentin is a great drug for neuropathy, but you can't take it randomly, you either TAKE IT or you DON'T. If not taken appropriately, it's worthless.
Is MIL going to hanging out in SIL's basement? Then, why the fuss? I mean, if BIL was doing the work, yeah, it could be frustrating, but sounds like SIL's home is set up with certain areas to "live in" and MIL will find her niche and not move.
All this is so ridiculous and such a blatent attempt to get you, Dorker, and DH to simply say, "Oh, SIL this is just silly, and too much for you. We'll just weather things out here, No worries". But since you spoke your piece and stuck to it, you can feel SIL's anxiety "OMG, they MEAN IT. They really expect me to come get mother!!" HANG TOUGH.
Help or don't help as you see fit. At this stage, I'd be turning cartwheels to get MIL on that plane.
SIL who is amazingly busy at being busy can facilitate doing whatever needs doing when she gets here. You don't even have another THURSDAY!!! Although, nobody will bust your chops if you do choose to give her that Thursday, for old times sake. Also b/c you appear to be 100xs more efficient at stuff.
I am so excited for you to have a break. I think your whole family is going to just love not having every conversation, every phone call, every drama be about MIL. That's exhausting.....beyond exhausting. Maybe you and DH can find your way back to each other. Don't even TALK about MIL. Just live your life. Block SIL's # and send all texts to DH/ He can handle them or not.
Putting this to a "place" in my mind where I am trying to understand MIL, I realize that my SON lives about 1000 miles. I book a flight, turn off the stove and computer and go see him. Sometimes I forget jammies or something and YOU KNOW WHAT? They have STORES IN OTHER STATES!!! It's a miracle.
A 1000 mile flight, even with preamble and pushback and getting MIL on first--still comes in well under 2 hours.
4 days. Just 4 days.
And I am snarky enough to say to MIL "Wow, I sure hope you don't get that tummy thing again! SIL would put you straight in the hospital if you get that sick again" (Just in case she "somehow" made herself sick. ) SIL's may be preferable)
Wasn't the plan that she was supposed to have been taken back in the spring, .. I mean you'd put it off, because "We certainly can't bring her here in the dead of winter", so spring was the target. Ahh, but that was put off, because now there is "Team MIL" in place. So, the grab bars and such, ... they've been put off from that time, til now, why? You flew home without your mom back in April, .... knowing full well, that hurricane season would be the next crux as to when she departs here. That was what ... 4 months ago? And now, there's all this stress, .. because we're down to the wire here, and the handy men coming and going .. for such things. You've had 4 months, ... did you think that somehow it would all gets shelved? And it didn't. I dunno.
So you're stressed .. the workers there as to the basement deal . and you don't have much confidence in your husband .. so where's that daughter of yours that leans on you every weekend and then some, as to her dogs. Maybe she'd be a little more attentive to look after such in your absence. I dunno, just sayin...
So you're stressed that the dog has to get in for more immunizations. In my opinion, you need to be asking that vet, .. I was there at so and so date, for immunizations, why weren't they all done at that time?
You're stressed that MIL has to get to PCP to make sure there are refills on Gabapentin she doesn't take .. and Cipro ... oh well, .. deal with it, you've known this date was approaching and I even asked you .. way back when, if you'd like for me and DH to take the wheel here and get her situated and packed and fly her up there, and you declined, saying it would be so stressful for her, .. and there will be tears, .. and you feel you need to handle it. So .. handle it!
Little patience at this point.
I know the countdown is on, ,.. mere days and she will be here, and then it will be the fire drill of all she has to attend to, . to get this thing in motion. All while, her mom (she reports) so stressed out and not wanting to do this.
Oh well .............
Talk to your brother about it.
There was no response from me.