I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Now if I could scrub the whole thing of any hateful (not helpful) remarks made about her and all the players in all this ....
Things .. all of them . that have been said to her through these years .. but with more tact .. there hasn't been anything said here that I haven't said to her .. in person .. but in this forum . has been said sometimes out of vent/rant .. and absolute could throw something and break it frustration .. that I wouldn't say in person to her .. because I try to act with "tact".
So now .. how to scrub all that . .so that she can get to the meat of some "help" from folks who've lived it ..
That would probably be the absolute best, .. if she'd take the damn time to look up and actually look into some other info other than her own sometimes, path in the dark.
Interestingly .. B's sister did die last night. And so plans in the works for him to fly out this weekend . for what will be his sister's funeral first of next week.
I suggested to SIL that she escape all this and go .. there are old folks all over this country that don't have hoverers that seem to manage alright in the end .. trust she'll be okay and just go.
She entertained the notion of doing just that. BUT ....
Her husband (can't say that I blame him) . in the end. . discouraged that .. his take on it, .. "you're more needed here . with your mom . and things so unpredictable .. as to her situation . and .. I don't wanna get all screwed up with you .. and be up in St. Louis and some major something befall your mom and then you needing to get back here . .and me up there .. just let me go and do this . and you stay here and tend to your mom".
Can't say that I blame him. Maybe he just wants (even if it's a FUNERAL .. for crying out loud) a few days absent this whole MIL saga that never seems to end .. and his wife .. in the throes of it all . eyeball deep.
My MIL got crappy medical care because she switched doctors anytime she was told something she didn't want to hear, wouldn't allow family members to help and told rambling stories when asked for medical history.
Dorker, would your SIL be inclined to post or read here? She really needs us.
Amazing people, I love them.
its coming unless the cloud does. And DH and SIL despite protests are not letting that happen. Be safe and be careful.
Here, a hospitalist handles everything in the hospital. I do know that the ER doctor talked with the GI doctor (not in the MD/hospital monopoly organization, even) a few weeks ago. My mother's PCP IS in the MD/hospital monopoly, and hasn't been any part of her care since my mother's hospitalization in October. I don't think much of her, anyway. She might have thought that as long as my mother wasn't driving, that everything was fine, and that I would step in and meet all my mother's needs. She was from Nepal, and that's how that culture does it (family takes care of elders). I wasn't allowed back to the examining room by my mother, so I'm sure my mother was able to showtime her way through appointments.
Let us know what today's fire alarm is for. And get better!
Were I as run ragged as she is . and boy oh boy is she (she's her own worst enemy). There is not a question in my mind . they call me and tell me she's being discharged to go back to POSH .. I'd be responding, "okay let me know when you have her situated . I'll be there at some point this afternoon or evening".
I WOULD NOT .. be running over there .. at first ding of the phone .. only to sit and wait for hours and hours while the bureaucrats run around their elbows to scratch their azzes .. to get her discharged . waiting .. waiting and waiting . and waiting .. and expectation that I take care of what ever nuances occur as to her care, while we wait .. wait and wait some more. Then .. go along and get her into POSH and get that all set up .
I simply wouldn't do it. I would trust that I have signed off for my mom to be in this hospital/this Rehab . and as such . they can handle all this transfer stuff .. and I'm stepping away from it .. for the day.
She will not ..
She may already be there for all I know, at this hour. So be it.
But she's really pretty much on her own .. DH isn't on site .. he's at work. I'm sick . and don't need to be anywhere near the two of them . not would I be at all interested in marching to the beat of this drum.
So she does have those records. Has she turned them over anywhere .. I doubt it. Where would she turn them over, .. and who would actually look at any of it.
Her PCP isn't a part of any of this .. I've never been impressed with her PCP anyway . and thought they should be going in the direction of a geriatric doc .. but it never happened. Instead they go to this new-age guru (he is in fact an MD) .. but he has this other cordoned off area of his biz .. that he sells supplements and so forth .. and so . he's all about lotions/potions/pills/supplements, etc. Just seems a little hokey to me. SIL go turn the records from the IL visit over to his office? I suspect unless she wants to buy some of his hocus pocus .. pills/potions, etc ... it'd get filed away without even a glance through.
And no . on appearing competent. It's a good thing that I am sick at present. Not fun being sick and hacking up a lung all day long .. but ... (not that I'd be doing this anwyay . firm boundaries .. very firm) .. if I weren't sick .. all it would take at this point is for me to say .. "you poor dear SIL . you can't get a break any which way you turn . you stay home today .. I'm gonna run on out to the hospital and when they load MIL into the wheelchair and jack her outta there .. then I'll be the one to deal with it and get her re-situated at POSH . and help with all that, now you stay home dear SIL . and take a break from all this".
THAT'S ALL IT WOULD TAKE.
(I wouldn't do that any way .. as I've learned where sticking my nose into it all gets me, a whole heaping bunch of frustration).
But my being sick, negates any possibility that will happen at all. I don't need to even be around MIL at present .. anywhere near her.
It's seemingly a situation that looks about like this. DH .. can usually go . early in the AM . and maybe end of the workday .. and .. he does do so .. most days . one or the other, or both at times. SIL .. is the one who is answering all the daily fire alarms . and spending her day in futile frustrations with it all, every day.
She generally rants/vents to me .. and I guess she considers me a resource to do so . .as I have some knowledge of all this .. talking to the guy sitting in a chair in a waiting room, .. maybe wouldn't prove as fruitful . he doesn't know the players in all this.
There are things I can do . .such as the other day when she fell and broke her hip .. and had to be carted to ER .. and so .. admitted there, . now somebody needs to go clean out her room at POSH . or we will be charged for it. That was me .. went and loaded up the contents of the room . MIL's belongings . and hauled it all outta there.
There are things I can help with .that I don't feel are pushing my boundaries and that was one of them.
I wouldn't of been at all interested in taking the reigns yesterday to push MIL around in a wheelchair . all thru the corridors of the hospital .. to each and every party that had no clue what she was there for and what to do with her.. I saw that coming a mile away . it was gonna be a horse race to nowhere.
SIL .. as her daughter puts it so succinctly .. "She needs to decide .. is she going to be able to build a life outside of all this in IL .. and if so . she needs to start doing it right now .. is she gonna run back and forth from IL to FL . every time granny gets a hang nail ..??... ".
Here here! I agree.
This morning would be a fine example.
"where is her family?". Dead from pneumonia perhaps.
Look, I took my mom to a pulmonologist once ( with aide). The doc finished listening to mom's lungs and he announced that he wanted a new xray. "There's a radiology place right across the street" he said, pointing at a major highway.
I looked at the aide and at my frail mom. " Well, I suppose we could wheel mom across the highway. And wait until they got everything sorted as to insurance and referrals and such. And then come back here and call the ambulette to get her because they'll only pick up in the place they dropped you....."
The doctor said " Why don't I order an xray to be done at the Nursing Home with the mobile unit?".
Would I have known that could be done if I hadn't hesitated?
No.
Learn not to say yes right away. When the bell says jump, don't say
"how high?". Say, " isn't there another way to do this?".
Quite honestly, I wouldn't trust an aide to be as knowledgeable as I am about my mother's conditions. I can't imagine SIL would trust one, either. Now there IS the bathroom issue; so far that hasn't been an issue. I definitely don't want to be the bathroom assistant, though. This is the only drawback I see to accompanying my mother. I get paid my hourly rate for any of these jaunts, of course (including travel time to and from the NH). When my mother was in the ER a few weeks back, the RN asked me if my mother was mobile enough to go to the bathroom to get a urine sample. I asked her how much time she had, because it could easily take 20 minutes to get her to the bathroom, get the sample, and get her back to the ER bed. This was to imply that *I* was not going to be the one to be the bathroom helper. The RN asked if a bedpan would work, and I said most definitely! (And then my mother couldn't go, the nurse threw that bedpan away and got busy elsewhere with other patients, my mother had to go and then wet the bed. Oh, well!) I've been in the position in the past of ER staff trying to get ME to be the bathroom helper, and I'm not going to let that happen again. (Plus, my mother is much less mobile now.)
I read an article just yesterday about how the digitalization of medical records has been such a failure. Locally, the local doctor/hospital monopoly can't even get it's OWN records straight, so I hardly think there is any communication at all between systems.
What about MIL's medical records from Illinois? Does SIL have all of that info? Did she bring her records with them when they returned MIL to FL?
Can H actually speak for MIL? I know that medical providers tread all the time in the "gray area" (asking any family member for permission, even if the patient hasn't been deemed mentally incompetent and not knowing if that family member is the designated HCPOA...at least that is what happens here). Is that the case in your area, too?
Regardless, is H going to take the time to do all of this advocating for his mother?
Dorker, you are stepping back in. Don't appear too competent, because then this job will be ALL YOURS once SIL and B eventually head back to IL (that is, unless MIL passes before that happens, which is a real possibility).
And let me also say that I am really disappointed that B won't get to see his sister before she dies. That is a real failure on SIL's part, because she's been so wrapped up in her mother. I guess she thinks that since he'll get to go to the funeral, that's good enough.
I'm guessing if it's that same # this morning or better, then they'll be looking for SIL to come and push the wheelchair up the sidewalk, the 2 miles .. back to POSH.
I guess the discrepancy all fell in the fact that the hospital . if that # drops below 7, they do transfusion .. POSH . if that number is below 8 .. they don't accept a patient.
MIL's was a 7. The hospital handing her off .. "nope we don't do transfusions . that number is suitable for us". POSH accepting her, without even looking (?) .. and then all of a sudden .. stop the damn presses .. her number is too low for her to be here .. she should've had a transfusion .. let's get SIL on it .. she'll do it .. and off they send the two of them, . as described earlier, through masses of corridors to different depts that don't know who or what this is all about . .
What a huge mess!
As for me, .. I guess I better figure out how to live with a life of fire alarms ... that seems to be what our lives are at this point, and maybe because I'm sick and don't feel well, .. I'm damn sick of it.
It seems to be one pivot point in our world at this point, . and that is the welfare and well being of MIL . and the world stops and starts on that pivot point.
I was just thinking earlier this morning .. when I got up and DH was already gone .. (had to leave early has gotten behind at work, trying to run back and forth to hospitals and POSH . and such) .. there are a few things that I need to talk to him about, work related .. but I never see him . and it's annoying.
What will today's effing fire alarm be? Seems there always is one or 4 or 5.
You cannot transfuse a patient relying on the medical history given by her retired social worker daughter. Or her medically qualified daughter, or her professor husband, or any other poor stressed-out sod who just happens to have wheeled her in. There are things you have to check. They will be in the records, which will be in "the system."
I did my fair share of trekking down loooooooong hospital corridors roaming from one department to the next pushing wheelchairs, each with its mandatory rogue wheel, and I met elevators that weren't elevating and outdoor sections in cold Januaries and - oh! - LOTS of people who weren't expecting mother and had no idea where she was meant to be.
And I met lots and lots of people who hadn't read her notes. But I don't think I met anyone who tried to do anything medical to her without at least *having* her notes (reading optional).
Yes, SIL has been misleading them about her history, and that's part of the problem. DH should set them straight about that too, and let them know her true limitations and physical and mental impairments so that they are aware of the level of help that she needs.
But, I will say as was mentioned previously, that it is on the medical professionals, especially the doctors, to do their job and not expect the family to do it for them. That's what they are getting paid the big bucks for.
Rant done. I am frustrated just reading about how they are shuttling poor MIL around, leaving her to sit in a wet diaper, and not having the staff on hand to assist her. Just pure sloppiness and incompetence.
I have not been on here since Feb. 15. I have just finished reading everything since then. I have been with you from the very 1st. post. MidKid said time would take care of everything quite a few posts back.I'm sorry that all this is happening. I also thought of a post Rainmom got from A.C. and posted a long time ago. It was called "Analogy of a CAREGIVER way too long." Comparing the caregiver to a car that needs serviced but that people keep driving... way after the check engine light has already been on forever. I still use that to remember that I cannot be all things to all people all the time or I will simply shut down. I hope everyone in your family gets some peace and a minutes rest soon. (Including MIL). The advice and kindness of all on AC has been a saving grace. Thank goodness we all have each other and these "old timers", from whom we learn such good advice. Just wanted you to know that you are loved tonight. Grace and Peace from Cowtown, Love Boots. P.S. Like Lizzy.....Flashbacks! Hissy Fits and A Little Boot Stompin' sometimes ARE in order along with prayers lol! Hang in there Dorker!
I could say I don’t believe today’s events but I do...sadly.
I don’t know how difficult it is to pull up an electronic medical chart but I can say in hospitals in particular no one likes to do it. Or it appears that way anyway.
I am remembering vaguely that MILs PCP is maybe a member of a “Fountain of Youth” vein clinic. Or something like that.
I am guessing MIL was treated by Hospitalists and an orthopedic surgeon called in after she landed in the ER after the bathroom fall.
There really is no PCP on board directing MILs healthcare.
And it does appear there is no communication between MILs healthcare providers during this fiasco.
MIL is in dire need of a strong advocate. The poor old woman is being treated like....I can’t find a word...by the healthcare system. Yes it happens but until someone speaks up (without throwing a hissey fit) it will continue to happen.
I can provide the levels of hissey fit and which are effective if anyone needs that information.
Dorker, you are certainly the most qualified to be MILs Advocate but you have done your time.
DHs time has come. SIL can’t do this. For whatever reason she is ineffective. DH has a lot to learn, a crash course is in order. You are a phone call away if you choose to talk him thru whatever is going on.
Again, I wish I could say the events of the last couple of days are unbelievable but I can’t. Flashbacks.
Never go in medical transport with patient. Always take your own transportation. Better, meet them at the site ( that forces them to send proper instructions...see below).
Always take an aide. Refuse to go if no aide.
Always make sure written orders go with patient/driver/aide. If you don't show up at the facility to accompany the patient, they will have to send orders. See above.
If there is a table/chair patient must get onto, take three giant steps back and let aide accomplish ( see above).
If patient needs to pee, let aide handle.
( learned the hard way).
Do you know what her hemoglobin was when they tested it at the hospital? If it was higher than yesterday, probably close enough to 8 that she didn't need transfusion. If still low, the cause needs further medical investigation.
Wind DH and send him over to the hospital in the AM to see he doctor when s/he rounds. Tell him to insist that they keep his mom until she's stable enough to stand without dizziness.
Believe it or not, I've found that if you stand your ground, they find away around the rules.
Run SIL til she drops onto her face unable to go another step and certainly no longer able to do her rain dances and such around all of this situation. And lo and behold no one to speak/act/think/breathe for MIL but MIL.
Not that I want to see SIL fall into a heap but at this pace it's a likelihood.
As I told her (she won't do it) "now tomorrow's fire alarm is gunna be they're jacking her outta the o'nite hospital stay and time to go the two miles up the road, back to POSH. If it were me, they'd be told I did your jobs yesterday ... figure it out ... I'll be there to see mom later ... but up to you folks .. get it handled".
I wouldn't be answering tomorrow's fire alarm. I simply wouldn't do it.
CM, I've found that the "actual" medical records don't get looked at or sent out in situations like these. It's the "history", likely what sil told them that's following MIL around.
I hope it's a silly question - we are confident they'd done all the necessary cross-matching, are we? I have to say, if I'd been SIL I think I'd have checked the bag.
'cking 'ell, Dorker, as we say this side of the pond.
Well, I hope she's chirpier for it. Can't help wondering if they're doing all this for a bet, to see how far they can go before SIL cracks.
Is anybody on MIL's medical team supposed to be in *charge* of this unbelievable shambles?
SIL having been called by POSH to accompany her mom for transfusion and the absolute ineptitude is beyond reason.
First off they shouldn't have discharged her to Rehab on Sunday with hemoglobin that low.
Wby did POSH not check that before allowing admittance for her. They sure caught it the next day and were most upset.
So POSH draws her blood at 5:30 AM and sends it off requesting results STAT and make arrangements she will likely need to go outpatient for transfusion back to the hospital pending results of above.
Those results never come in .. so POSH calls SIL ... want her to come their way and accompany her mom to the hospital via their transport. It's said they can do the hemoglobin test there and results there and transfusion if needed, right there.
They put MIL in a wheelchair (surprises me... being upright at present makes her lightheaded) . They summon their medical transport van and load MIL and SIL onto van and off they go, maybe 2 miles to the hospital.
Ssounds like upon their arrival no one knew what to do with MIL. Sent first to Outpatient Registration...SIL pushing wheelchair ... no wrong place ... don't need to register ... Sent to Ambulatory Infusion and there a debacle in that MIL now needed to pee (Sent there in hospital gown and diaper). They have no provisions for assisting the non ambulatory with that feat ... instructed to just pee in her diaper ... that's all they could offer ... no bedpans, no lifts.
Now becoming a hiccup that she can't get out of wheelchair and onto recliners others use for transfusion ... I guess that now becoming a problem and staff there questioning why a non ambulatory patient sent there to them and them I'll equipped to address that.
MIL now cold .. sitting in a wet diaper they also are I'll equipped to change on someone who can't stand up at all.
In the end she got the unit of blood sitting in her wheelchair... after experiencing difficulty finding a vein and now a sonogram to find a vein.
And now instructions to keep her over night for monitoring ... and so the wait was on for a room.
By then POSH med transport closed for the day. SIL at hospital needing to get back to POSH to get her car and go home.
DH headed out there to relieve her. Give her a ride to her car.
I do believe it would've gotten ugly had I been in the middle of all this.
Why was hospital shoving her out their doors on Sunday with a too low hemoglobin count
Wby did POSH accept her with too low a hemoglobin count
Why was she sent with no accompanying staff member today and upon arrival there .. no one seemed to know what to do with a non ambulatory patient with this specific dilemma.
Just unreal.
(when they know that you'll scurry around and show up).
You have to learn to say " no, I cant possibly do that today, I'm ill".
The facility will find staff.
Hate to hear the latest developments
The Flu has been mild this year in our area but the respiratory mess with long lasting horrible cough, Bronchitis, sinus and allergy stuff has been off the charts since January. It’s been years since anyone has had the laryngitis element. But it is here. Once someone gets it you are good for a few days then it’s back. Voice. No voice.
Another morning starting and SIL running out the door. I’ve worried about her ending up with pneumonia also. But this morning I understand. WTH is going on with poor MIL? Low hemoglobin. Low BP. I would think she needs to be admitted to hospital til they know for sure what is causing all this.
I hope you and SIL get to feeling better. And poor old MIL too.
Dang. It’s just too much going on at one time.
Now it's just wait for her to pass away and a funeral.
I guess their plan now is B is going to fly to Ann Arbor Michigan where a brother lives and ride with them to St. Louis.
So I guess ... at least he will be going whenever there is a funeral.