Is there was a thread or support discussion for caregivers who care for private clients, not their family?

Well said ladeeM, great advice!

PC123, I am so vigilant about the 'trust issue'.... like LadeeC said, we have to work twice as hard to earn trust.... so how could someone trust me with a human being, usually a fragile human being, if they can't trust me to not redo their kitchen.....

Am happy the poster reached out to REAL PAID caregivers to find out how we work..... and what work ethic and integrity means to us.... So she has a base line to work from now.... I feel bad for anyone having to hire help.... talk about a crap shoot.....

I hope all you paid caregivers will continue to visit with the rest of us. You all have much to contribute and are truly part of the team even if you are lucky enough to be paid for your work.
Being trustworthy is the most important part of your job. You can learn how to do anything. having some basic training is helpful because you already know how to provide basic nursing care. Everything else will be specific to the patient and you can be instructed in those things, either by the family. Dr or visiting nurses. As the years go by and you meet different challenges hopefully you are open to learning. Professional boundaries are very important to abide by and that is under your control. What you can't control is the emotional attachment you develop for your patient and the connection and confidence he/she developes in you. Some you really don't care much for and you should move on. others you love to death and give to them way beyond the demands of your paid job. You have every right and can not control your emotions as long as you continue to act in the best interests of your patient and by that I mean what makes them feel really well cared for and loved even if you need to break a few rules and think outside the box. Of course you will grieve every loss it is natural and appropriate and you probably need some time to yourself to recover from the loss before you take on another client.
In a way I was a paid caregiver in that I was a RN paid to do a job as a hospice nurse. As the on call nurse there was always a crisis when I visited a patient outside of office hours. I paused a few seconds outside the door and took a few deep breaths because I never knew what I would find on the other side. My job was to remain appear calm and to project that I knew what I was doing. I always did what was right for the patient not necessarily what the textbook said. now I had the authority and was rarely questioned but a paid caregiver does not have that luxury but all the same should insist on something being done if she is not comfortable with the patients condition.
To all you paid caregivers you are an important part of the team. You are there to care for the patient and follow the plan of care the family sets up for you and such other duties as have been agreed on. Of course suggestions may be helpful such as offers to help with other tasks will be welcome. trying to rule the roost is not usually welcome and crosses many boundries. A good caregiver is a wonderful find and someone the family really values.
Please continue to visit you all have much valuable experience to contribute.

This morning I did finish my sift at 9am,another caregiver came and we reported each other. I told my client goodbye till next Wednesday... my client said "thank you so much, have a nice day off, I will miss you" I did felt so good!! Tomorrow morning I'm playing tennis with my team practice for next league. Do you know While I'm off I wouldn't think about my client at all, because another caregiver is very trust worthy and caring person, I'm very lucky to have this job and enjoy life with my client and my own life!! Sue

THIS is why I do what I do.... last night Gene and I were talking.... I have to write my side of things down, he is deaf.... He has traveled the world... so he has many things to share.... he has trouble saying it... but I get the idea, and it is fascinating to me.... As we were talking, he looked over at me and said, "you are good for me... you help me remember'.......made all the crap I put up with from C worth it.... at least for last night... lol....

So Sue, we both got a thank you yesterday.... my job matters if the person I have given my heart to understands.... the rest of the crazy family can bite my butt....

That is my dilemma here..... C is never going to change, I totally get that.... do I have the stamina, or the use of my mouth to tell her when to get off of my back..??? Not in those words.... of course..... I am being taught something here.... hope I am not so dense as to not get what it is....

Anytime I start with a new family, my prayer is always, " what are YOU going to teach me this time"..... so this is going to be a trial for me.... I don't believe in 'failure', only set backs..... so this is going to be interesting what I learn about myself and how to handle this better.... I do love Gene.... and guess what !!! He said he likes to play cards... so will get some cards and we'll give it a try.... Of course C is never neglected, she has her own needs.... wish I could just surrender to this mess and get on with caregiving.....

Sending you all hugs... and Sue, have fun on your days off...... I only get one day off... so I am usually too tired to do much of anything....but sleep, I sleep a lot!!!!

I really like this thread! My parents both passed away this year. I was with them at the very end but briefly. Since then I have been persuing the idea of becomming a hospice volunteer (my mom was under hospice care and they we're wonderful with her). The main regret I have is that she was not at home. If I could be a part of helping someone be able to stay in their home, that is what I want to do.
I already go into peoples homes on a daily basis as a pet caregiver. I've owned a pet care service for 14 yrs, many of my clients I've had for that period of time. 2 of them were able to stay in their home w/ their pets while under Hospice care. My husband knows and sees our clients when I'm not available, so I do have the time it would take. Being on call is second nature to both of us :-)
I tried to find a position volunteering prior to someone being under Hospice but all I could find were paid positions. Very frustrating.
I'm in a position where I don't need or want to get paid, just help.

Petz, there are many situations you could volunteer for, it may take awhile for you to get in with Hospice..... some suggestions..... Adult day care needs volunteers, you can put an ad in your local paper that you are available for 'free respite' for caregivers... I would say with this one you may be overwhelmed....you can put your name on the list of local hospitals for setting when family can't..... Call your Local Aging Care agency and see if they can help you find something.... and if you do end up taking a paid job, you can always donate the money to the Hospice or other agencies that need help.... I truly wish I was in a situation where I could do this for free... I can tell you the rewards far outweigh the problems..... so wishing you well on your search for helping the elders to stay out of nursing homes.... there is something out there for you... just keep looking... possibly others will come on with more suggestions.... and thanks for the positive feedback.... sending you hugs....

Oh and was thinking if you did volunteer at an Adult Day Care, you could make connections there.... families are desperate for help and many cannot afford it.... wish there were more like you..... everyone deserves a break....

There's a bit of irony for you, huh? Not accepting volunteers! I can imagine why: it's called liability. And for that I blame litigious idiots. And fear: will this person come into my home and rob me? or worse? And a society that no longer has the time or energy to volunteer, while they're so busy trying to keep a roof over their heads.

So, instead .. have you considered starting your own organization? Looked at hospitals, nursing homes, assisted living. Or simply contacting all your current clients and seeing if they need something, or know someone who does?

Bless your heart. I hope you pursue it, and find a way to do so. I remember when my mother was on hospice and we could have someone come to our home, just to give us an hour or two to leave and ... breathe.

I know LadeeC, here we have a lady that has standing in her community and still can't work for free.... America amazes and disgusts me at the same time.... . Wish she lived closer so she could give ME a day or two off... that would be nice..... and C would probably fire me and get her full time if she worked for free.... ya know, her sense of entitlement and all that...

Hope you are getting some much needed rest.... thinking about you... sending you hugs.....

After having to lift and transfer Gene over 15 times yesterday..... my body is screaming today..... between being called to work two hours early because of a poop incident.... taking him to the Dr.... doing C's shopping, which is not part of my job description, and a cold front coming in..... I am going to lay it down until I have no choice but to get up and do this all over again.....

We all need a break.... all of us...... I do feel bad for those that live in the north.... being cooped up because of snow.... I'd become just like those I care for....we don't get cold here very often... so we will scurry to the store, buy coats we will wear for a week and keep our shorts out for Thanksgiving..... ( a repeat from a post on YOU) Damn I'm tired.... so thinking of all of you who NEVER get a break.....if ya'll think we don't admire and respect you, that is the furthest thing from our truth...I just couldn't do what you all do.... so much love and appreciation for all of you today..... hugs, and lots of chocolate.... I posted on FB today a sign that said, 'chocolate doesn't ask questions, it just understands'....love ya'll. oh and I know it is spelled 'y'all', but I spell it like I say it....lol

Linda, I do feel your body ach... when I started working as CNA at nursing home in 1978 I did lift and transferred patients day after days... I was only 5'2" and 110lbs, It was exhausting job.. but I always had another CNA to assist me or vase versa. While working there we learned so many way to not to injure our self. Do you have a Hoyer lift or transfer board? I'm 63 now, I don't think I could not do what you are doing.... Only I could for you is just thinking about you. Sound like you really love chocolate, would you like me to send it to you? Sue

Thanks Sue.... ya , the body aches.... just part of the job..... that many transfers in one day usually takes its toll.... like you, I am 63, this old body is really starting to protest when I push it too far.....

Hope you enjoyed your days off..... who won in tennis??? Hooray for you getting that kind of exercise.... walking to my car on some days is all I can manage..... sending you hugs.... oh and by the way.... I really don't eat that much chocolate... it's more of a joke..... but I do give myself a treat now and again.....

Computer went down this morning... so am behind in all my stuff..... will fill ya'll in later on situation at Green Herron...... some positive changes,,,,, but will just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop......

ttyl..... hope everyone is ok.... LadeeC , how were your days off..... ???? later

my days off were all about recovery .. now i just have to fight my way thru hospital politics .. don't get me started .. you should be able to see a pillar of steam coming from this direction

Just an fyi for everyone, yesterday while administering meds to G, I realized her husband handed me two pills and I asked him why he gave two of the same pills. He said he didn't, got one out of each bottle. After I checked both bottles I realized one contained the right pills, the other which was supposed to be zanaflex was filled with ultrum. This was a pharmacy error, so please check pills for proper imprints to match what the bottle says. Amazing that a pharmacy could be so careless, and oops sorry when we called. Apparently they didn't see the danger of the situation. So just a word of advice, just double check.... hope you all have a great day!

PC123, thank God you caught that.... When I fill C's meds, I have this whole ritual I go thru to make sure I get everything right..... not only the name of the meds but what each one looks like, ect..... she can administer her own meds, and other than being a hydrocodone addict, she does ok..... and that woman can lie about how many hydro's she took and look you straight in the eye.... I inform the family, but they don't even need to think I am going to be the one to address this with her..... not my job...

Ladee, sorry you have to deal with idiots who can't hear..... let us know what is going on.... sending everyone hugs.....

i have to admit how badly I feel in regards to my feelings toward a paid caregiver. I apologize for not realizing how you all felt about your patients. Coming from a dysfunctional family, I had no experience with a loved that I was very close to who was dying. When my father was in final stages of Alzheimer's, he had pneumonia for the second time in 2 months, this time he was not responding to the antibiotics...he could no long swallow. We decided as a family to let him go according to his wishes of not wanting a feeding tube or extreme measure taken. The reason I am sharing this is because this encounter was primary in what shaped my thinking about paid caregivers. As i said, I was green, dysfunctional and no experience so instead of taking the time off work during these 5 days that my dear father was dying, I worked...I went to see him in the morning before work and again in the evening. On day 4, I visited my dad before work, his eyes were blood red and open. I talked to him telling him how much I loved him and that it was ok for him to leave us now.Please understand that I am not looking for sympathy for all of you...just wanting to share what happened. Before deciding to let dad go, he was in the Alz unit. The head nurse, RN (Kelly) was in charge there. When we decided to let dad go, they moved him to the mainstream area of the NH. When I left my dads room that morning I was in tears as usual since I am very emotional and I loved my dad!! Kelly was in the room across the hall. She came out of the room and said to me, "I understand what you are going through, I had to put my dog down recently and it broke my heart." I am only telling you this because it really shaped my thinking about paid caregivers. Please do not think I am looking for sympathy, I only wanted to share with you as a dysfunctional family member how we don't speak up. I know now that this woman was totally out of bounds, but after reading what you all have shared and growing up some more over the years, I realize that you do love truly the people you are caring for. God Bless all of you.♥

Sharynmarie .. don't fret over how you were acclimated to paid caregivers. Trust me, I've my share of run-ins with people who are paid for this line of work, and I wouldn't want them within a mile of my treatment. Just glad you're getting to know that not all of us fall into the same category.

*hugs*

Sharyn, we come across many paid caregivers just like that woman.... makes me cringe to think they have some ones loved one in their care.....it was a heartless thing for her to say... nothing about that situation was about HER....and it was normal for you, under the circumstances and your history, to 'group' all paid caregivers together....so you are being given a 'group forgiveness hug' from all of us that do care....and thank you for your honesty.. that helps me to see a little further into why some people treat us the way they do.....

You have 'come a long way baby' !!!!!! Sending you lots of love and hugs for being you!!!!

Sharynmarie,
This is not about defending the RN who appeared insensitive and she may well have been. Compassion is not taught in school. It has to be learned by experience and example. In training 50+ years ago we were taught to always remain professional and never show our emotions.
I am guessing that RN was either young and experienced and the closest thing to loosing a loved one was euthanizing her dog. of course it was a stupid and insensitive remark but it was the closest she could personally come to your pain. if she had been working with the elderly for any length of time she may have had to develop a hard shell to protect herself from the daily suffering she saw and avoid burning out. there is an incredibly high level of burnout amongst hospice nurses for example

Somehow the above got posted before I had finished.
Years ago patients remained in the hospital and the nurses had time to get to know them. These days they are there for a couple of days and the same nurse is rarely assigned to the same patient two days in a row.
The two Ladees and other professional caregivers work for long periods with the same patients and families so develop a much more personal connection and learn how the whole family functions.
It does not matter if caregivers are paid or not they are either caring or indifferent, money has nothing to do with it. from the point of view of the person hiring the caregiver it is very important to be sure that the new caregiver is doing the job the way they expect and that their loved one is happy with the new caregiver.. I would say don't expect the be treated like a guest you are an employee and should expect to take your own refreshment for your shift. if you are later invited to join the family for meals it is fine to accept that invitation as long as the patient is not neglected. Doing the patient's laundry is part of the job, throwing in a load of your own is not. If you are taking your charge out to sit in the sun and it is their favorite flower garden, pulling a few weeks to please the patient is fine but being expected to weed the garden while your patient naps is not in your job description.
I think I have wandered off topic, but I think what I was trying to do was educate those who are new to hiring caregivers and those who choose to provide this service. Both sides need to understand what is expected. set hours of service, no unpaid overtime. regular time off that is respected. If it is a live in situation, a private room and having that privacy respected. Still adequate pay even if slightly less to compensate for living expences.
Privatecare is correct in the need to monitor patient's medications. Make sure you familiarize yourself with all medications especially new ones, especially the side effects and interactions. For example I just started Metamucil which is not big deal but after I had got my magnifying glass and read the fine print I discovered it should not be taken 2 hours before of after regular medications. I would not expect that of a CNA in a hospital as they don't or should not administer drugs and are not trained to. In the home there is no one else to protect the patient. A copy of the Nurses Drug book is helpful to have and all the information is available on the Internet .
To recap being a paid caregiver does not make you any less caring that an unpaid one or give you different feelings towards your patients. Either way you have the same emotions. Those who do not share this empathy do not remain caregivers for long

I would rather crash and burn with burnout as compared to having a hard shell...for one thing, that is not me.... tho I do have that in relation to some family members....I have to let their petty BS go in one ear and out the other..... in order for me to advocate for my charge, I sometimes have to 'step on toes'....

I agree that she was probably young.... but all the nurses I know...my daughter included... had that compassion going in.... that's why they chose nursing.

I do have this to say about what ever 'understanding' there is between caregiver and family.... the caregiver has to be flexible also without it being blatant abuse of the caregiver..... I do many things that are not in my 'job description' , but it is also by choice.... there is no one else to do some of these things.... but I am also clear when it is time to call in the family.... but I have been at this too long to be taken advantage of....

We are going thru 'changes' with my current family..... I have been with them for 10 months now.... I do believe in 'timing' and knowing in my gut when the time is right to approach the family about certain things..... and sometimes, not matter how hard you try, no matter what you know, no matter how clear you are about your own boundaries.... we find our self caught up in the family dynamics.... to me it's like getting gum in your hair.... takes awhile to untangle what doesn't work....but the 'gum' has to be removed in order for me to do my best job.... it is never as simple as someone going in and giving care to a families loved one..... It's the families that burn me out.... not my charges... even the one who broke my leg because her stupid daughter would NOT listen about her having a UTI....I didn't stop loving Ruth.... but certainly stopped caring about her daughter thru all that....

And I feel bad for any family that has to hire a paid caregiver.... I really do..... they have no idea what they are getting..... until it's too late sometimes....but I can tell you this.... in my little community... the caregivers have each others backs..... and if someone is not a good caregiver, the word goes out.....there is one woman that I got fired from my previous job..... and I will NEVER recommend her for a job....I do not have to character assonate her....but can still say enough to protect the charge and the family....

Once again, I will say this thread has been godsend... so many things that aren't discussed will now be brought out into the light.... that will help family members more than anything.....one question I would ask any potential in home caregiver..... 'How will you advocate for my father, mother, ect'..... and the answer you get will answer many questions for you....

Sending all in home family caregivers a huge hug of respect for what you do on a daily basis, with no breaks, no money, no help from family, the guilt, the anger, the resentment.... I do not know how you do it..... I have more respect for you than you will ever know....

Hi All and thanks for feedback. At the time this happened, I understood Kelly to mean that my dad dying was the same as putting a pet down. Now after typing it out to all of you, she may not have meant it that way at all. The point is that I love the caregivers at the community my mother is at. They have been great with us and mom. I read what you all go through and it teaches me to not take the caregivers for granted by assuming they have no real feelings for my mother or the other residents in memory care. Even though Kelly hurt my feelings and I felt her remark was very insensitive, I have learned since then that private caregivers and those in facilities do love their patients. Sometimes I think you all have it harder because you have to be professional and keep boundaries, yet you are tired and hurting just like all caregivers. Big HUGS to all of you, you are appreciated and loved!!

Sharyn, I can only speak for me... but you acknowledging that we hurt too means more than you know... I walk in that chaos everyday with a broken heart from missing Stu.... And yet, I have to pretend that certain things don't bother me.... or that many things don't remind me of him.... My grief is not priority there... tho I never see much grieving being done.... again their family dynamics... I don't judge it... everyone grieves differently.... but if I didn't have my caregiver friends to email about how I feel, I don't think I could do this six days a week without something giving.... And I do appreciate that you also acknowledge that we try to keep it professional on top of what ever else is going on....

When my son had his horrific car accident..... I was blessed to be working for a family that understood there would be times that I would have to leave and go home and tend to him.... he was so shattered and broken, he could not go to the bathroom, or use the urinal or bed pan without help.... I never took advantage of that family.... when what I wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position and cry.... My lady was dyeing of cancer, her hubby had Alz. and I had a son that needed more care than I could give him.....

I am sorry for how much I post... I realized how many years I have been waiting for a thread like this.... hope to get this under control soon.... pent up stuff....and finally having a safe place to put it... thank all of you for reading and not judging, and even if you do judge you aren't shaming me..... sending all the readers hugs....

LadeeM
Don't be sorry for how much you post. Everything has meaning no matter who posts it. Understanding other peoples problems and pain helps everyone. This site allows people to express their personal feelings and reading what others are experiencing allows others to validate their own feelings. In many was this is group therapy and a place for every one to honestly share their true feelings.
Being a paid caregiver does not distinguish any one as being different as far as emotions are concerned. the only difference is that being employed your decision making is limited but from what I have read many times family members are also controlled byother relatives of the patient and totally ignore the best interests of the patient and make the life of the family caregiver very difficult frequently where money is conecerned

Hello, I am new to this site, and I found it for a reason. I needed something like this. I am a paid caregiver. I have been doing this for a year. Currently, I have one Alzheimer woman age 65 6 hours a day, and then two alzheimer (husband and wife) 2 hours a day.

I have found myself wondering what has happened to me. I love what I do, I love the flexibility.

But... along with that. My mother is in an alzheimer assisted living home. My father was just diagnosed with Para temporal Demental Aphasia Variant (which means he will become mute), no loss of brain use, he just cannot speak it.

So there is my stress. That is just work and mom and dad, not the husband, two kids 25 and 30. Two sisters that are 58 and 60, I am 54, and they are the Power of Attorney's, and I feel very sad and left out. I do so much for my mom and dad every Sunday on my only day off. I feel as if the statement nice guys finish last is true.

My fatigue is there, but I will tell you, yes it is less money, no there are no benefits, yes you pay your taxes, but I love the woman I am watching, and her daughter is a gem. It was like finding a needle in a haystack.

The other couple I see three days a week 2 hours a day and they are 80 and 90 and in reality, their lives are really near the end.

Welcome, and thank you. In my opinion, I am a paid and non paid caregiver. I spend hours and hours with my parents at the doctors, etc. unpaid, it is all about the fact that I was brought on this earth with a special love and compassion for people that need this help. I know the adult kids truly appreciate my honesty and help, and they pay me, but again, my pay is 1/3 of what I was making just because that is the way it is. I am not out to change that, but that is the sad reality. The pharmaceutical companies are making billions, and the wee ones are loving their clients. Thanks much.

Kaydeb
It sounds as though you have found your true calling albeit later in life. Your maturity and life experience can only make you a better caregiver. Do not worry about your older sisters being POA that is one less stress and responsibility for you, Consider how your new career is affecting your own family and do not neglect those relationships. you are a great gift to the paid caregiver community. Thank you and everyone else for your service and loyalty

Raise the roof and shout hallelujah .. Edna is finally home, after an energy-draining, futile, frustrating and altogether unsavory experience with a hospital attending physician who had a stick up his butt about sending her to a SNF. You do recall I said, "over my dead body," right? She's so much more alert this morning, just by being home. And that idiot probably thinks it's because he coerced her into more days in the hospital than was truly necessary. He'll get his comeuppance when Medicare reviews the files and sees there was no good reason to keep her in acute care and denies the claim. In the end, I'd made our annoyance known to one of the coordinating staff, and he was removed from her case. (Hmmm .. I may just push that issue by suggesting it to Medicare. Heh.)

The point being: we are NOT powerless over the officious, pompous 'know it alls' who call themselves doctors.

It's a downright better day today.

Hi LadeeC, I'm very happy for you that your client is home now!! "Home Sweet Home"

Hey LadeeC, now the true healing can begin... they always do so much better at home... they get to relax and not be poked and prodded by strangers.... they get to sleep without all the subliminal hospital noise in the background..... it's just a win win for all involved.... and now you can take your next time off and make a "Dr.Doll" and stick pins in it..... very therapeutic, doll making is... lol

KayDeb, very happy to see you here..... this is the place. Sorta like the sitcom , I'm having a senior moment here, where when the guy walks in and everyone says... "Hey Norm".... that is us..... so we'll say "Hey KayDeb"......You are not alone.... tho we many be 'cyber friends' we are friends nonetheless.....

Well, guess me going off the deep end last weekend has ended up being a blessing in disguise...... me threating to quit has opened a whole new line of conversation between family members and them with C.... many many things that are never talked about.... are now gently and lovingly being brought out into the open......

I have set and will continue to set very firm boundries with C....