Is there was a thread or support discussion for caregivers who care for private clients, not their family?

Here's one of the hard parts about lessons ......... sometimes they don't reveal themselves until much, MUCH later in life. And, sometimes the lesson is: "It's YOUR decision, one way or the other."

I don't feel like a failure, but I am utterly defeated.... C non compliant about everything.... jealous of my time with Gene.... always stress..... and am forced into going against everything I stand for, which is leaving them high and dry with no help.... well, I can't do that... because of who I am, not because of them...I will get away from there... just not as soon as I wanted... shared with LadeeC that there is a bigger lesson here for me.... hope the lesson manifests itself soon!!!

Aww, man .. PC .. what does that mean for your future there? Any sense of it? To be honest, my primary reason for continuing in a situation is that it's a win-win situation. Sounds to me like she just doesn't like or trust you (doesn't matter if you don't deserve it .. it just IS), and every time you're there it's some kind of losing game for you. So, I see a lose-lose situation. I just couldn't or wouldn't stick around.

I can understand the family being concerned that she's too complacent. I totally get it. But it's sounds to me like that's just the tip of the iceberg and there're other underlying issues.

I suppose it depends on your level of commitment. How much good are you doing your client, if every time you walk in the room she tosses something at you (words can be tossed as well as objects, right?) I'd feel like an utter failure, even if I knew better.

*sending lots of hugs*

No more haldol. G cries all the time now, for no reason. She won't say why. I talked to her daughter, who I know pretty well. Cared for her FIL. She's on my page, especially when I said not naming names but others interfere with her meds. Basically stopped cause she was to calm. Now she's asking for knives and scissors. I learned a lot this week. The other CG is accepted cause her I'll do anything for you nature. We all give up. Right now, she's ok with me there, but not expecting to stay that way :(
But welcome Josh! That's kinda typical. Our clients usually tend to think of us as family. How long have you been caring for your client? My advice, you can't stop your patient from feeling that way. Just understand where each side is coming from and know you did nothing wrong. It happens in this job. Give the best care possible, and be open to the family. Hugs to all!!!

You are following your gut Glad.... let her get to know her a little.... is this the same one you were so excited about??? I hope so.... if not, let me know, Im about to be unemployed....lol

Thank you, Veronica, that is what I think as well.

I would say the most important thing is to have Mom get to know this caregiver and be comfortable with her before trying a whole week end.

Any hints from you caregivers out there to prepare to transition my mom to outside caregiver over a weekend? I also want to make this as easy for the caregiver as possible.

Josh, you seem very caring. Families often feel concerned about caregivers and the thought of them taking advantage of their loved ones. I know its not the case, but they probably feel you are turning him against his family and will try to take whatever he has. Again, I know that is not the case.

Glad .. wow .. two gems for the price of one? *grins* glad it's looking so promising!!

Awwwwww, PC .. what a mess! I guess all we can hope is that the family sees the rotten transition and reintroduces the Haldol. Either that, or it really is time to move on. Follow your heart.

Welcome, Josh! I'd say, based solely on what you've said so far, that they may feel threatened by the very fact that your charge is feeling closer to you than to them. Awkward. About the only thing you can do is assure them that your purpose is to provide him the healthiest environment possible and then promise to find a way to include the family in their dad's life as often as possible .. even if it means stretching the truth occasionally to mend fences (I'm sure you can figure out how to do that). Best of luck and do let us know how it goes!!

LadeeC

Hi Josh, welcome.... if you have read any of my posts, you see that my main 'gripe' is about families....but not knowing all the circumstances... the family is probably feeling 'threatened' that you have so much 'power' with their loved one... if he is not wanting to associate with his family, they are blaming you.... try to fill us in on more details about the situation and we'll try to help....

Are you in contact with the family in regard to his health, his needs, his mental state? More info please.... sending you hugs....

Hi thanks for bringing me to this discussion. I am a private caregiver and I am in this situation where the person I've been taking care of for almost a year now is considering me his and only family instead of his own. He can't or don't want to talk to any of his family anymore..I don't have any problem with the person that I am taking care of, but with the family. They want me out and I don't know why!

I do do minor house cleaning, Gs husband has a cleaning lady so all I do is their laundry and dishes and take out trash. Also go through all their food and throw out expired food. There has been a few times I power cleaned when company was coming. Which I don't mind.
I feel, especially now, that I'm at a loss. Cg convinced husband to stop haldol all together. Today I was a slut, threatened 911, wouldn't eat cause I picked up her food. Said I put bugs in it. She had just listened to a movie about a women doing that. Swore it was me talking not the tv. Was yelled at every time I spoke. Husband got snippy with her, told her not to speak to me like that. Which I feel made it worse, though his intentions were good. I don't know what to do. Nobody in the family understands why she singles me out. But the smugness of other cg May be the answer. Just so frustrated cause G is on hospice, and feel drs should make decisions, not her. It causes just as problems with the family as it does me. Ready to tear my hair out! Just a matter of time again.

Fantastic Glad!!!!!! I am SO happy for you... and ya never know.... she may be able to engage your mom to help with the vacuuming..... I feel a weight lifted with this great news !!!!! I do get concerned when someone is so open minded as you are, has trouble finding the right caregiver..... And she is including you in her careplan...... meaning.... she is interested in you also.... what a beautiful blessed way to start the new year!!!!! As we say here in Texas.... YEEEE HAAA!! Sending you tons of hugs for you and mom this morning.... and give her a hug from the 'Ladee's' !!!!

Ladees, you are both wonderful and it sure helps me to gain another perspective! The caregivers, yes two of them today for the price of one, were absolutely wonderful! Two, because the one that is going to be primary, yup you guessed it, came in with a broken leg;-) not from caregiving though, it was a skiing accident. They wanted to see how mom and she would get along, then make sure I didn't mind the broken leg. Welp, the vacuuming help just went out the window, and it is quite dirty too!:-O But, she was so good with mom, it just didn't matter and I realized that if they have mom engaged and happy, that is what they are here for. Trying to get cleaning done could very easily upset whatever rhythm they have mom in, so the importance of it is gone, gone, gone.

After I got back we just sat and chatted for almost an hour and a half mostly about mom, but also some about my absolutely, undeniably so, wacky sisters. There is nothing better for me than talking with caregivers that really understand this disease and how difficult it is! I could never have these talks with sisters they just would not get it at all! I guess it makes me feel validated, and not completely wacky myself.

thank you, LadeeM and LadeeC, and I will never tell the caregiver how to do anything. I will offer suggestions on what to do to keep mom engaged, but not how or even when to do it!

Glad, I would be hard pressed to tell you any ONE thing that worked.... sometimes it was distraction, as she got worse, that didn't work at all, sometimes I would take her outside to set on the porch, but she seemed very agitated with that at times...sometimes I could get her to dance with me... she loved that one... but the thing was to catch it before it escalated to point of no return. And sometimes, it was just letting her rant, or pace the floor until she was wore out, or talk as crazy as she was talking. This is a huge challenge, period... what works some days do not work at other times.... I feel for you....

When I got a broken leg, it was because the family would not listen to me about how agitated she was... it was different... I was a live in at the time, I knew it was different....so my suggestion here is..... if you trust this person's assessment of a situation... LISTEN..... because it ended up costing that family a lot more than a simple Dr's visit to get her checked for a UTI and med changes..... and the part that upsets me to this day.... she was suffering..... I knew it, and my hands were tied because, after all, I was JUST the caregiver....

I wish you could find someone that knew how to come in and 'win her over', it can be done.... it just takes experience, it takes time, and like you said, just let them at it, come back in later or when the new caregiver calls you....

And try not to 'micromanage'... I have been with this family a year, and the one son, to this day, is telling me how to do things.....It's distracting to me, an energy burner for me to keep my mouth shut... ect...I can get Gene to cooperate and do things, while they are loosing it over in the corner, yet telling me how to do it....

Someone from the 'outside' can sometimes see or anticipate things that you don't....fresh eyes, for lack of a better term....I just hope you don't loose your mind before you find the right one.... I think of you often during my day... wondering if you standing on a street corner with a sign that says.... "Caregiver Needed".... sending you lots of hugs and chocolate... if all else fails, if no one hears you, chocolate........ works for me....

I know LadeeM has dealt with it .. broken limb and all.

Yanno .. I've been REALLY lucky, so my comments are restricted. The only time I've had any real issues was after Edna's most recent surgery. She was amazingly confused, and it took WEEKs to get her to a point where she was less agitated. And by agitated, I mean she was trying to get out of bed on her own and really did NOT grasp that she *could* not on her own. It was a scary and frustrating time .. BUT .. in our case it took a lot of reassurances, constant reminders and repeated exposure to **us** (her caregivers).

I think it's a case-by-case basis: what works for me, might not work for our other Ladee (or any other outside caregiver). Sometimes, I'm a gruff drill sargent, at other times I cajole, and frequently, I just cheerlead, "you can do it, really! I know you can." I also approach it as a foregone conclusion that I'm here to stay with my attitude (I'm not trying to win her over .. my job is to be here and help, and that's what I'm going to do).

However, I also know that my approach doesn't always work .. in which case, I'm the wrong caregiver; this is who and what I am, and I don't even know HOW to change that. I don't take that personally .. we're just a bad match.

Let me ask you this: is she as combative with you? Is it possible that she's on meds that are adding to her paranoia? Might she need some (or alternative therapy, if that's your preference)?

Hope it all works out great for you .. I'm sure you can use the help!!

I hate housekeeping too and I really don't think that my mom would let someone do this. She would be afraid they were stealing her things. But she has always been paranoid that way.

Ladees, yes both of you have you ever had a very difficult person to care for? My mom seems to be one of those. She has tried to physically throw caregivers out of the house with the phone in hand threatening to call 911. I will relax on the house cleaning they will have their hands full just trying to keep her busy and distracted. If you have had very difficult clients, is there one thing that you can put your finger on that helped ease the stress of the situation for them? Is there anything the family could have or should have done that would have eased the situation? Just want to pick both your brains. We are trying yet another caregiver tomorrow. I am planning on staying around 30-45 minutes, then will come back about a half hour before the caregiver is to leave. Any thoughts or suggestions would be most appreciated.

As a repeat of what I said, with more clarity .. If I'm on an 8-hour shift, a few days a week, as a solo 'task', I do NOT do housekeeping chores as daily or weekly maintenance. If I'm going to provide what I consider to be true caregiving, I'm keeping her/him actively engaged in things to promote their own welfare. Here are a few examples:

Can s/he push a vacuum (if she'd be otherwise able, but it's too heavy - the family needs to provide a more lightweight unit), I'll stand with and provide support (move the wheelchair, or keep the path clear), encouraging as much participation as s/he's capable of providing.

Is s/he capable of *any* self-assisted dressing tasks? I provide direction and cheerleading: "ok .. drag it on your right hand first.... yup .. like that .. don't give up, you're almost there. GREAT!! lift the sleeve a bit more ..yay! yes! now .. your left hand ... slide it all the way in ... " Get the drift? A task that would take ME two minutes becomes a 45 minute process. And, yanno what? that's great. Same with personal grooming. Sure, I could do it, but how does that benefit my client? BTW .. meanwhile, I'm doing memory exercises .. "Do you remember today's date?" "What's my name? How old is your daughter?"

So, now we're up to the second hour of the day and time to fix breakfast. Two choices .. I can make it, or play guide to letting her do it ... we're talking another one to two hour process ... and by then it's time for a potty break.

I think what's happened is that people now think of a caregiver as a fancy babysitter/housekeeper/companion. I couldn't disagree more. If the family wants the best possible care for their elder, their mindsets need to change .. and so do the agency's. A good caregiver is not only trained in good nursing aide skills, but has a working understanding (not expert, just experienced and willing to learn more) of various therapies: physical, occupational, speech, recreation, wound care, health conditions that recur in the physically limited (like UTIs, bedsores, constipation/diarrhea), are familiar with dementia/alz/etc therapies and treatments. And, I've really only scratched the surface. We're politicians with the family, we're advocates with the medPros, we have to maintain good working relations with the other caregivers and need to have good communication skills.

All this for $10 or $12 an hour. And you want me to be housekeeper, too? Nah. Not gonna happen. (Besides, I **hate** housekeeping.)

Glad, don't know which Ladee you were wanting to answer, but I will tell you NO I do not do those things.... my hours are filled with one thing after another... one of the things I do is keep Gene engaged.... he doesn't hear, so everything is written down....that takes time and because he has aphasia, it takes patience to understand his responses... but the smile on his face, his life experiences of traveling the world and being able to share those things.... THAT is where my time is going to go.... not doing the 'step and fetchit' that C expects constantly.... he pretty much gets neglected until I get there.... so, no, I have my OWN housework to do... but if the agency has that as part of their service that is awesome for you....and happy to hear you would not take advantage of that.... that makes me want to quit the mess I am in right now and come work for you!!!!!

Ladee-
How do you feel about vacuuming and dusting? How often, if ever do you do it? We are working with an agency that actually asks what household chores you want done. I would never dream of adding windows or mopping floors to the list though.

It amazes me how few people really understand our job description.... just last night I told C I don't get paid enough to be her maid.... she is all messed up on her meds...will NOT allow anyone to take over and dispense them, so she is weak, confused, ect... soooooo, she thinks she needs to be waited on hand and foot....and that is along with her screeching from the living room for me to fix dinner, water the plants, play with the dogs, they are bored, grrrrrrrrr... I left there very angry last night.... only time I will pick up a mop is when Gene has spilled something on the floor in front of him....

Possibly not enough communication from the get go... at least with my charge before this fiasco I am in, asked if I minded doing some minor housework..... it wasn't expected, it was my choice....

Hey Ladee, let's come up with a handbook on how to treat Paid Caregivers, that will keep them with you forever..... we are a different breed....and constantly having to set boundaries takes energy I need for my charges welfare....Have said from the very beginning of this thread..... it is the FAMILIES that wear me out faster than my charges ever could on their worst day.....

I responded to another topic about paid caregivers, and had some thoughts bubble up that I didn't want to post there .. my gripe isn't personal toward that poster, but I wanted to get it off my chest...

As a paid caregiver, one of the things that galls me is how many families expect a caregiver to be THE housekeeper.

Being a caregiver, as far as I'm concerned, means that all my activity is directed at creating an environment in which my charge can thrive. If that means helping her do HER household chores, that's one thing: I'm going to provide support and be her cheerleader. The more she does, the more she maintains her independence and the longer she remains healthy. Everything I do with my client, from standing up to changing diapers to eating is all geared to promote higher functions. Most of the time it's in the guise of doing daily stuff. It's really NOT my job to mop the floors and do the windows. Do I clean up after myself? You bet. I'll leave the home in better condition than when I walk in. But, dang it, I don't make *nearly* enough to be THE housekeeper. They make, what? $35 an hour or something?

Just venting.

PC, did the family do a background check on her? You can do it for a few dollars.... at least you would have some proof and be able to call her bluff at some point... and yes, I have heard of someone lying about their credentials... this lady has so many red flags it scares me.....some thing is not right with this picture..... but was very glad to hear hubby is still giving her some of her meds.... man, what a mess... sending you hugs PC... keep us updated...I think the next time an RN was there, I would call her in and ask her to explain to the nurse why she felt G she be taken off her meds.... ...... I would have already blown this story sky high..... or quit...... and turned her in..... after I was gone....

Not all of us have 'credentials'. I've just worked at it long enough that I'm pretty dang good at it. And what I don't know, I work at learning. Just sayin' ...

No way someone might ask her questions she does not know the answers to and her cover would be blown.
You could do her in if you are asked something about G's wound care for instance. Just say ever so nicely Ms X takes care of that she is trained as a wound care expert and does a far better job of that than I could. I"ll go and find her

Well talked with the husband. He still is giving her one haldol at night. She was out of bed today, alert and back to nice G. She was nice as can be to me. Everyone was surprised, she treated me like she used to when she was ok. Laughing, joking offering me fatty foods lol. If just one keeps her level, I'm happy. But still upset that other cg is pushing me out. And thinks she knows best. I also notice when a nurse or doctor comes she rushes out, take today. The nurse came and she couldn't get out fast enough. Question: has anyone ever heard of a cg lying to vulnerable clients about her "credentials"? This has happened a few times now and just seems weird. If you wanna dominate, and be so involved, wouldn't you stay?

LadeeM, she came in over 3 years ago, when G was still mobile. So she's been around for a while, but the kids are not really to fond of her, but she gained the husband's trust with caring for G. She is good with Gs wound care (claims she's a wound care specialist and behavioral therapist) I don't care what "specialties" she has, but she's not a doctor and shouldn't guilt the husband about her being sedated. She is a very dominant person.... I'm just sad cause the family got through to the husband about treatment, and now we are headed back to square one. But I honestly don't get how she's able to throw her weight around.

PC.... I am really having a hard time understanding how this woman came in and the family let her make these desions ..... can you share about that? I'd be interested to know more..... sending you lots of hugs for having to possibly start the new year looking for work...

Thanks you guys! I'm gonna finish out the week, if she's back to pre treatment, I'm out. The family has been wonderful to me for not giving up, but I can't keep playing games. :(