Did Hospice rush your loved ones death?

rosie123, I have a feeling that the toxins in his blood just climbed to a level where he couldn't carry on. If the liver is not working, the ammonia and other metabolites will continue to build in the blood. The lungs can handle some of it, but not enough. The main thing I am sorry to read is that you weren't able to have the last days talking with him at least a little. Hospice was giving your father a low dose of morphine, which might have built up some in his body, but it did keep him from suffering.

I am so sorry that your father is gone. I am glad that you had hospice with you to help you through it. They may have hastened his death slightly by trying to keep him comfortable, but it would probably been by very little. If his liver was failing, he wouldn't have handled food well. I have the feeling that they made it as easy on him as they could. I hope that God is with you as you mourn his loss. One day you'll be able to tell him the extra things you wanted to say. I just hope that day isn't anytime soon.

No, I don't feel that hospice brought death on any faster. It made the final weeks more comfortable for my husband, and less stressful for me. The hospice nurse was surprised when I called to say he died -- all of us were thinking he had a few more weeks. He was not in pain and so not on morphine at all. He ate breakfast that morning. But, as Shakespeare puts it, "Death, a necessary end, will come when it will come."

In the letter explaining the autopsy results my husband's doctor said, "I am frankly amazed that he survived as long as he did despite the burden of very severe Lewy body disease and atherosclerosis."

I am sorry for the loss of your dear father. There is no precise way of knowing whether he would have gone a few days sooner or later without hospice care. You can feel confident that you did what you considered right. That is all any of us can do.

My condolances to you. My dad is on hospice for cancer, but I take care of him at home. When I get a respite, and he goes into the hospice facility, he is definately more drugged. It is very noticable. (Atavan, and Seroquel). When I go to see him, he doesn't even know I'm there. It's terrible. When he's at home, he rarely if ever needs his Atavan. They always tell me how much they love my dad, etc. But it is so noticable he is over medicated when he's in their care.

liquid morphine and ativan definately knocked my mother out and stopped her heart BUT the dying process was already in motion. these meds are given when the patient reaches a state of agitation. hospiss nurse told us they did not want mom to return to consciousness. death was expedited. i suspect that since time began mankind has brought comfort meds to their dying loved ones. you feel inclined to free them from their pain. ive killed several ailing animals in my lifetime and felt justified in doing so. there was no low dose with my mother. it was a full dropper of both liquids every 30 minutes untill respiratory distress killed her. still better than being aware as multiple organs / systems are shutting down.

Yes, I feel my mother's death was rushed and I wished I had studied about the medications (morphine and Ativan) before I allowed them to give it to her. Allow me to tell my story briefly. In February of 2012 my mother was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer called Mylo-proliferative Disorder. On September 18. 2012 my mother had a stroke and in the moment she had the stroke she fell in her living room beside her easy chair she had just been reading at. On May 27, 2013 my mother passed away after hospice had been there only 2 weeks. I never knew what a difficult time I would have losing my mother but the way she went haunts me and I am just not getting past grieving. As I write this tears are flowing and I feel I can't catch my breath. Regardless of my mom's stoke she was sharp as a tack until the day following the beginning of the administering morphine and Ativan. My mom had a great appetite, she loved ice cream we used to eat together in the evenings, I remember the day after the administration of the drugs began, my mom said to me; "Suzy, stay close to Jesus". When I have visions of my mother the last 2 weeks of her life I feel so guilty that she died the way she did because I allowed them to give her the drugs, I didn't know that the combination would take her so fast, even she told me before she went into the drug induced coma, Suzy, they are taking me down fast so my medical bills don't grow. I brushed it off as oh mom, they are really helping you to make you comfortable and pain free. She knew, she knew they were killing her. They gave her morphine and Ativan around the clock when the nurses weren't there, they left instructions for me that gave the amounts and times to be given. The meds upset my mom's stomach at first we gave her food with the drugs, and later when there was no body response at all her natural reflex's would try to cough up the meds but she was too far into it. 3 days before my mother passed she went into a coma. On the day she passed I was in the next room with a baby monitor I had beside my bed, I had moved back home to take care of my mom after her stroke, I heard her over the baby monitor stop breathing, I ran to her side and took her pulse, she had stopped breathing but her heart was still beating, I cried out to God "please don't do this, I was afraid she had another stoke and she was going to remain like this, so I wailed to God 'if you want her take her but don't do this'. A few moments later she was gone. For the days and months that have followed I wanted to know what happened to my mother, did she have a stroke?, did she have a massive heart attack? No, she stopped breathing because of the morphine and Ativan combination they use it to give comfort they say but it is these two prescription drugs when combined together become lethal, they take your breath away. My mom came from a family of 9 children, all her siblings lived to be in their late 90's, my mom passed shortly after her 80th birthday. She was the most graceful woman I have ever known. Mom, I am so sorry, I didn't know!

Rosie, please accept my condolences on the passing of your dad. I have a hospice story to tell as well...

My 42 year old sister was diagnosed with Stage IV colorectal cancer in late August, 2007. She had surgery in September and had chemo and radiation, but neither did any good. She was able to return to part time work for a couple of months, but had to stop working because she could barely walk. Two days after she stopped working, she could no longer walk without a walker. Over the next week she stopped eating and became unresponsive. I called the emergency number and she was moved to the hospice facility. She was in so much pain from the ambulance ride that it took hospice about 3 hours to get her settled so we could see her. She was on a morphine pump but completely out of it. She did respond once when my other sister came in, but wasn't making any sense.

I had promised her that I would not let her be in pain. I knew the cancer had spread to her liver and lungs and probably her brain, but I didn't know about the brain for sure. She passed away after eight days. I don't know how much she could hear us, but I kept telling her it was OK to go and to go in peace.

Here's what I wanted to say: She knew she was dying and wanted to go peacefully. I feel that I was able to honor her wishes by keeping her on the morphine. The nurse told me that her form of cancer is one of the most painful types because the tumor pressed on the nerves to her legs.

Secondly, I have decided for myself that if I am ever diagnosed with the same kind of cancer (I have a high risk not only due to heredity but also because I have had ulcerative colitis since 1983) that I will only accept palliative care. I too want to go quickly and with as little pain as possible.

My heart goes out to you, Suzy, and I pray that you will be given peace in knowing that you loved your mother and she loved you. Peace to all who have been in our situation.

What a topic for someone to start, (Did Hospice rush your loved ones death?)
The OP of this thread should be tared and feathered for making this statement "Topic".,(Did Hospice rush your loved ones death?)
Ya right sure!...Blame it on the helpful Hospice for your loved one's death?
Where was you when this was going on? If so, Why didn't you prevent it?
(She was in so much pain from the ambulance ride that it took hospice about 3 hours to get her settled) In Pain and you blame hospice for the pain? Come -on!
Your only allowed so much morphine for pain by Law. And your Loved one I'm sure was told to fill out a Living Will.
I must say How dare you attempt to throw blame on hospice. That's uncalled for without proof of some type of abuse from hospice of cause. If you seen something and didn't prevent that's your fault not hospice. Sounds very harsh what I'm saying to you. But,your accusing hospice for blame of death is wrong without proof of such claim. Knowone can control all pain to none without a result. There's no cure for cancer and no cure for the pain to none. I understand your sadness watching the pain of a loved one. No excuse to throw blame to others if you your self didn't attempt to prevent. Sounds like you your self needs to accept some blame before pointing to others. Hospice is the best in that time of need.

Dogabone, respectfully, you are way off the mark, no where did I blame hospice for my sister's death. Read my post again, especially this paragraph...

Here's what I wanted to say: She knew she was dying and wanted to go peacefully. I feel that I was able to honor her wishes by keeping her on the morphine. The nurse told me that her form of cancer is one of the most painful types because the tumor pressed on the nerves to her legs.

The reason it took the hospice staff three hours to get her settled was 1st...the paramedics could not get the gurney down the hall and into her room and had to put her in a sitting sling, very hard when someone has colorectal cancer. 2nd...we were in the middle of a blizzard and the facility was on the other side of town, about 10 miles away. It was a dangerous and bumpy ride. 3, It was very early in the morning.

The hospice people wanted to get her pain under control before they allowed us to see her. They put the morphine pump in once she got there; they may have had to give her some other pain meds too and allowed them time to work. They did NOT WANT one of our last memories of my sister to see her in incredible pain. When we were allowed in to see her, she was resting peacefully in bed with a robe on and her hair combed.

The reason I called the emergency number in the middle of the night was because I didn't think the meds I was giving her by mouth were taking care of her pain. I had promised to let her go without pain...that's why I didn't want the hospice facility to cut down on the morphine just so she would be able to MAYBE open her eyes and respond to us. I would never want someone to be in the position I was in, having to decide what is best for my sister in her final hours, but that it what we do when we care for someone. Instead of "blaming" hospice for my sister's death, they allowed her last days to be comfortable and without pain. I'm sure you want the same thing for your loved ones.

Please re-read everyone's posts....we all have the right to ask any question on this site without feeling attacked by someone else's opinion.

Rosie I am so sorry for your loss, it is clearly very recent and painful to talk about. People with liver cancer typically fall into a coma before they die and it is important to continue with medications so even though they are unresponsive they remain pain free and any anxiety is relieved. Ativan and Morphine are the drugs of choice at the end of life especially in the home. The volume of liquid morphine is very small and can be absorbed in the mouth by slowly dripping it in. There is a very good blood supply to the mouth so it continues to be more effective than an IV or injection when the blood supply is shutting down along with other life preserving systems. very often the patient's pain will dramatically increase and it is quite a struggle to control it . Basically if the patient is in severe pain it is necessary to give the medication until the patient is comfortable. I have sat with many patients and administered the morphine until they were comfortable and sometimes unresponsive. At that point I would reduce the dose but continue on a 2-4 hour schedule and instruct the caregiver to continue. Often the patient and their family were pleading for the pain to be relieved. Did I hasten anyone's death? I don't know the answer to that but never did I set out to end their life. That's God's work. Many people will tell you that when you go on hospice they give you morphine and you die. This may appear to be true because many people wait far too long before calling hospice and may even die during admission before hospice has given them anything. others will pass that night or within a few days. We always liked to have the drugs in the house in case of need. We would tell the caregiver not to touch them but call for a nurse first and she would visit and assess the patient. But I digress but wanted to share what happens behind the scenes so to speak. Actually it is more beneficial to hospice if the patient continues to live, When they die we don't save anything and loose the Medicaid payment which is paid daily. so if some one dies after midnight we get paid for that day.
I have no experience with a for profit hospice it could be more beneficial by saving supplies and nurses time if the patient died quickly. I can not comment on that

Dogabone.. I asked the question because my brother accused me of putting dad in hospice and letting the staff over medicate him so he would die quicker. I then did a little research on that subject on the internet and found that some people believe that like he does. I am a member of this group so where better for me to get input of all kinds on this subject. It has informed and enlightened me as I read the responses. When I want an answer to something I ask. That is all it was.. a question. No blame, nothing. The staff treated dad like he was their own. For that I will be eternally grateful. I was his only caregiver for 4 yrs and finally I had someone to share the load with me and they did. Overall, the experience was very peaceful for me and hopefully for my dad too. I have informed my son that hospice is where I want to be when my time to leave this earth nears.

Wow, dogabone, you are way, way out of line here. This is a forum to discuss ANYTHING related to caring for elders. There are no taboo topics.

And you obviously are confusing who said what in this thread. Why bother to keep track of that when you can just indiscriminately throw out accusations?

I am a widow. My husband had cancer.............and the pain was unbelievable. Bill's cancer caused his entire abdominal wall to thicken. A surgeon at the cancer center (UPMC - Hillman) told me, "pray for him to die quickly because his abdominal wall is rapidly thickening - like a vice - tightening more and more around his abdomen as each hour passes". My husband lived another six weeks. Bill was unable to metabolize most pain meds as his digestive system was so compromised. He had a port and pain pump, NG tube, IV's etc etc. We came home with hospice for 10 days but could never get control of his runaway pain. There is no sleep or rest when in that much pain. After ten days, we went to the in-house hospice facility and I lived with him there for his remaining 12 days. I must tell you that hospice helped me to help my husband. They were there to give me a break to get 30 minutes of sleep. They were there to bring me a cup of coffee. They were there for me "to talk." Yes, Bill died and although tons of drugs and combos were tried, his pain went on and on. But I was with helpers. And they did their best to help him. And yes, they helped me. We will all die. Hospice is about comfort for both the patient AND the caregiver. I really appreciate hospice and hope that when it is my time, my family will see to my comfort. Why make someone linger a few days or weeks longer when they are suffering? I choose comfort every time. We must all be ready to meet our Maker. It's inevitable. Hospice helped Bill and I both as I walked beside him on his way home.

Hospice did not rush my mothers death. Hospice was a blessing for our family and the medications they used were a mercy. I can't imagine not medicating my mom for the extreme pain she endured because of the growing tumors. I can't imagine sitting on my hands and doing nothing through the terminal agitation. My mom did not want to suffer and made that very clear to me. I hope when my time comes my family will keep me comfortable too.

About 5 years after my father died, my grandmother was deep in dementia (only recognized me, no one else), had serious heart disease, and had a heart attack - at 82. My mthr chose to pursue aggressive treatment for her mother. After 6 months, 2 pacemakers, and me, 12 years old, being the only one who could feed her by mouth and mthr refusing a feeding tube, my grandmother finally died.

Mthr still says - 34 years later - the doctors killed her mother, which is a totally ridiculous statement. It was her time, but sometimes people don't want to face reality and go find someone else to blame. I think that happens a lot when people die in hospice, in hospitals, and under care. We don't like being confronted with mortality. If you think you might need hospice for your loved one's care, read Byock's Dying Well (book) which explains the processes.

First I want to give my sympathies for everyone who has lost a loved one, especially to rosie123 who started this thread. This is a legitimate concern to be discussed regardless how we may all feel regarding hospice.

My father was advanced stage Alzheimer's when he developed pneumonia for the second time in 2 months. The second time he was not responding to antibiotics, they could not feed him pureed foods because he could no longer swallow. He was completely unresponsive to us and the the staff. Dad made it clear he did not want to be kept alive by feeding tubes, ventilators or any type of machines. We honored his wishes and health directive, all food and water was stopped, he only received morphine. He passed away 5 days later. I admit that during those 5 days I struggled with thinking we were starving him and dehydrating him so he would pass sooner. After I talked with an RN, she explained to me that by stopping food and water, you are making the person more comfortable as their bodily organs are shutting down. Food and water will cause them to bloat, being much more uncomfortable. I felt better about what we decided as a family and I do not regret it because I know my father is in a better place where he is free of Alzheimer's, free of pain.

My nephew of 38 years, passed last May from colon cancer that had spread to his liver and lungs. He had 2 different surgeries, chemotherapy only to have the cancer return within 2 years with a vengeance. He battled it for 8 years. The last few months of his life, he suffered with great pain anytime he had to go for a dr. appt., or when the family would take him to a place he wanted to see one last time. The movements of being in a car, up and walking caused him so much pain, it took 2-3 days to get it under control again. He was taking morphine and methadone to control the pain. The day before he passed away, he was up walking to go the bathroom on his own. He was basically alert, conversing with family. The next day, he was in and out of consciousness, finally went into a coma and passed away. I don't think any us of can understand fully how a loved can seem basically fine in regards to being mobile, alert, eating,....then they are gone when in the final stages of a disease.

My aunt lived with a feeding tube for 12 years (Alzheimer's), she was unresponsive to everything and everyone.

Don't second guess yourself especially when they are in final stages. It is heartbreaking to go through...grieving is a process with no time limit. Allow yourself to grieve and know you did the best you could...that is all any of us can do. No one can take that away from us, no one can judge us for the choices we made.

Many Blessings and Hugs to you!!

My family firmly believes the hospice put my mother 'to sleep'. They claimed she wasn't dying fast enough, she should be moved to a nursing home. their doctor was very inept. Our physician disagreed with them and mom stayed in the hospice. She had about 2 weeks left, but died in 3 days. She'd be up and around talking and walking but all of a sudden all she could do was sleep and was incoherent when awake. We think they gave her morphine shots and did her in. There's no other explanation. The hospice management were simply awful to us, and the bill included bogus charges like 'at home care' when they never set foot in any of our homes. They took us and Medicare for a big ride and 'helped' my mother die.

Redhead it sounds as though your experiences were with a "for profit" hospice which is a business like any other that wishes to make profit. Of course as everywhere there are good and bad in this industry.
If you have suspicions and evidence of fraud or price gouging please contact your states health department and Medicare and share your concerns with them, this may have been a crime.
I realize that you are very upset by the circumstances of Mom's death but what you describe could have simply been a natural progression of her illness. You are within your rights to request a copy of your mothers record which should indicate how much and how often any medication was used. another useful thing would be to discuss your concerns with your mother's doctor. You could also contact a malpractice lawyer. Be at Peace

Rosie - ref your brother's thoughtless, knee-jerk accusation: ouch. People say such stupid things, and then it takes a very tough cookie indeed to ignore them as completely as one probably should, and just let them lash out.

This topic touches on the hardest questions of all, hardest because we will never, can never know the answers. My brother was there when my father suffered a fatal heart attack: did he do everything he could or should have done? Could my father have survived if he'd had better first aid? I'll never know, and I'm not going to ask. My friend's father took ten days to die on the Liverpool Care Pathway: she'll never know if the approach was the right one, if she should have asked more challenging questions, if she should have overridden her mother and taken charge… It eats her up. My uncle died after someone made a serious - foolish but not malicious - error at an accident scene: in a way it would be a comfort to point the finger in public and say "This Was YOUR Fault!" - but it wouldn't change anything; and that person probably already feels enough guilt and shame.

I don't know if there is a moral. Most people, most of the time, are just doing their level best, whether they're professionals, relatives, friends or men-in-the-street. The hardest part is letting go of those unanswerable questions afterwards.

The issue here is whether hospice influences the early death of someone under their care. For what it might be worth, some patients have recovered from their illness while in hospice, and went on to live years afterwards. According to an article in Washington Post published December 26th, nearly half of the patients in Alabama got better, and a similarly large percentage of California patients recovered.

Hospice and palliative care may be one of the greatest gifts you can give someone who is terminally ill. Furthermore, hospice is covered by Medicare, and provides services to the surviving family.

What exactly is "over-medication"? Hospice workers know best. Hospice workers are aware that over-medication may give rise to homicide charges, so they generally do not try to "overdose" a patient. We currently have a case in my state, Pennsylvania, where a caretaker daughter, a nurse, was so charged for over medicating her father. At the other end of the spectrum, I recall enjoying a football game with a relative when his wife came in the room, turned off the T.V. and threw his beer down the sink. As she was leaving the room she said "well you told me in your advance medical directive to 'pull the plug' when when your quality of life depended on machines and ingested fluids." Since family members so often miss the mark about what is proper medication, it is a decision best left to experienced hospice workers.

For those families not sure about whether hospice is appropriate, it might be a good idea to have someone review the medical records and offer a second opinion. The authority of N.P.'s under the laws of each state are different, but in some states a Gerontological Nurse Practitioner can be retained to review medical records and have a candid discussion with family members at a reasonable cost or covered through insurance.

No need to defend your self.I'm not pointing fingers and sorry for your loss.My last responce was from going by the main topic.
(Did Hospice rush your loved ones death?)
That's a harsh sounding topic to create.And cought me off guard to react on it.
I can't speak for all Hospice employees or all Hospice clients.It varies by employees and clients.I know by my experience of dealing with Hospice I had no problems what so ever.In fact without Hospice our family wouldn't know what to do.My father in law died of lung cancer,My Uncle died of Throut cancer.Hospice was their for both of them and did a amazing job.When my Mother & Father died back in 1992 & 1999 we never heard of Hospice.We had no help.I was 21 yrs old when my Dad died.Both could of used Hospice but,then that option wasn't around for us.Again sorry for your loss.If your family thinks your the cause why your loved one passed so soon because you got Hospice involved?Their thinking wrong.And good for you ,you did so.I sure wouldn't want to be the one to give shots to my parents during thier passing time.I wouldn't want to remember that for the rest of my life.That's why there's Hospice.To do what we can't or don't want to bare to do.
Off the wall example,
When your dog dies.It's not best for you to plant your dog your self.It's best to find someone else to do that for you so they say.But,I planted every dog I had my self.
Dogs are just like your family.I have a 12 yr old black lab not doing good.Loss of eye sight,bad hips.Everyone tells me to put it down.That's the answer for everything they say is put it down.Well,I know my dog.He isn't ready to go yet.I'll know when it's time.Until then,I will enjoy him.If only a dog could talk lol.

Sorry for jumping the gun on this topic thread.If I may say,you could of rephrased the main topic in a different way other then,Did Hospice rush your loved ones death?This topic you created doesn't go with what your trying to explain.From reading this main topic sounds like your pointing the finger at Hospice.I'm not indiscriminately throwing out accusations?I'm only going by the main topic how it's worded.(Did Hospice rush your loved ones death?)Sound's a little harsh if not pointing the finger at Hospice.But,I get what the OP is trying to explain.
I'm sure some Hospice employees do rush a loved ones death.But,if the family didn't keep a open eye on what that Hospice employee was doing to their loved one.The finger points where?At Hospice the employee or the non open eye of the family?Some people feel better in them self by pointing blame to others to ease their own guilt.But,if you didn't attempt to prevent?Where else does the guilt point other then your self?Sounds harsh but,the truth.
If you say you did all what you could do?So,be it.No need for guilt if you attempted to prevent with a open eye.
I will agree one some things you all stated.
My Father in law was diagnosed with lung cancer.The first day of chemo I drove him and his wife to the doctor.He walked into the doctor's office to his chemo on his own.I waiting out in the car while he was doing his first chemo.His wife was with him during the chemo.2 hours later his wife comes out to the car to me telling me I need to help him to the car.I was shocked what condition he was in after that chemo.He walked in to the doctor's office.I had to carry him out.From that first chemo he never got any better after that.Down hill he went.To this day thinking about it now.That first chemo I feel is what put him down so fast.Before that day of that chemo he was walking,talking,joking.I think that first chemo just woke the cancer up.They say once you crack it open your done for.
I remember when Hospice started coming to help him.I see what you mean by saying Hospice drugs people up to their death.I think it's true in some or most conditions.And yes,I feel Hospice does rush their death.We couldn't talk to the father in law.He was too drugged up.But,I'm sure if he wasn't all drugged up he would of been in alot of pain.But,who really knows how much pain he was in really?He was ok until Hospice and cemo came involved.I feel if he didn't have that chemo.He would of lived a little longer I'm sure of it.From what I seen the Chemo and Hospice put hin down fast.

Dogabone, I sent you a hug because I see we are both grieving the death of a loved one; a lot of my grief (and my guilt) lies in the fact that my sister did go from alert and talking to nonresponsive in, what it seemed to me, was just a few hours. We shared a house and I was the one caring for her, so I do take a lot of the guilt on myself--even why didn't I go with her to the doctor's appointments over the summer when she wasn't feeling well. If the cancer had been discovered sooner, would there have been a better outcome? I just don't want anyone to think Hospice killed my sister; the cancer did that. Maybe the drugs caused her to pass away a few days earlier, but I hope she wasn't in any pain. Thanks for coming back to this thread and posting; that took courage.

only hours before my mother died her digestive system had ceased to function. she was somehow aware that she was done for and in fact asked me how she was going to get out of this one. hospice heard no sounds from her digestive system and promptly ordered liquids ativan and morphine. she was dying, they rendered her unconscious to free her from pain. in the state of agitation she was in it would have been cruel to let her death play out naturally. hospice didnt kill her, copd, kidney cancer, and dementia killed her.
its snowing like a mf and id give anything to have her here baking bread today.

Once the digestive system shuts down it takes about 24 -36 hours for them to die. It is an incredibly painful way to die. They vomit copious amounts of fecal like fluid. So the only help you can give them is to relieve their pain and anxiety and this requires amounts of medication that will cause unconsciousness. The time table for dyeing was already set before the drugs were even started, they neither hastened nor slowed the process they just made it bearable. Hospice nurses can only give the amount of medication prescribed by the Dr they can't just come in and overdose a patient. The Dr may prescribe a range of doses so the nurse can make small increases without calling the Dr but that is all they can do. They may have the means but if they use it without authority it is a homicide

Veronica91 we wrote to Medicare to itemize where the hospice bill was fraudulent. They called my father with the mistaken idea that he wanted something from Medicare. He did not, he just wanted them to know. They mustve been covering their ineptitude becase they never did anything to reclaim what the hospice took.

Redhead. You did all you could. Hopefully they will be keeping an eye on that hospice in the future

Rosie, High ammonia levels lead to coma and death. The person might seem fine one day and the next day be in a coma. I am so sorry about your brother accusing you. That's really unfortunate, but please try to forgive him because it is his grief talking. Clearly your brother is in the bargaining stage of the process - "If only my sister had not put dad on hospice, dad would have lived longer." Normally, this phase of grief is followed by depression and then acceptance. Please try to have patience with your brother as he works through this. Of course, you are grieving as well and you are also questioning. "Could I have done anything different? Is this my fault?" So you are bargaining as well. It is very important that you and your brother not allow your father's death to tear you apart as family. Your dad would not want that. I do think that your dad was clearly on the way to liver failure before he left the hospital and I truly believe that nothing hospice did rushed his death. Perhaps this will make things easier for you and your brother: Psalms 139:16: "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." What this means is that your father's entire life, including the day he would die was preprogrammed for him before he was even conceived. Remarkably, modern science has proven that as biological beings, our cells are preprogrammed from the moment of conception to do specific things throughout our lives, including dying. So this ancient thought on life, is, in fact, proven by science to be true. You father died on the day and at the time he was meant to die and there was nothing either of you or anyone else could have done to change that.

The death of a parent shakes the very foundation of our lives. It is natural for both you and your brother to feel vulnerable, alone and out of control at this time. No one wants to lose their parents, even if our parent was far from perfect. But that is not how life was designed. We are meant to spend half of our lives with our parents and half of our lives without them. As you work through the grief process you will come to realize that this loss has been profound, but that your father left you strong enough to face the future. And through this loss, you experience one of the defining moments in life. I want to recommend that you get this book for both you and your brother:

amazon/Losing-Your-Parents-Finding-Yourself/dp/078688651X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1389030744&sr=8-2&keywords=on+losing+your+parents

Please, don't take on guilt that is not yours and don't let this turn you and your brother against each other no matter what. You are both part of your father and you are meant to share that bond for the rest of your lives. Be patient with each other. You both are sharing a defining moment in life. It's a difficult transition, but you can get through it together and most of all, grow in ways you never thought possible.

Don't do hospice................!!!. in my case my dad entered the hospital with pneumonia on a Monday June 9th talking, eating, knowing all the grandchildren included myself, his daughter, and knew his first name middle name even his conformation name, his birthday, also and the Fighting Irish fight song. On the next day, June 10Th, he had a bronchoscope which he did well. He seemed much better Wednesday June 11. My sister stated to my brother and I to see if dad was a candidate for hospice so the 3 of us meet at the hospital. I stated I wanted to see the order for hospice from the doctor and have a meeting. On Thursday June 12 Hospice was called in I had no idea. Dad came home Saturday (after being pneumonia free) June 14, very tired but was drug up from the morphine and other drugs, it was said the drugs were for pain. I did get hospice to lower the dose. It was a small amount. I asked Daddy, are you in pain, he said no. I asked him if he knew who I was again and he did know my name, first, middle, madden name, and last name and of course who he was, and his birthday. Dad didn’t have food, and only a swab of water. He could swallow so why oh why could dad not come home with IV’s? I was told he would aspirate which is not true, IV’s would not put liquid into your lungs. Dad had gone to the doctor 3 week prior and was told his heart is good like a high school student. By starving a person and not giving fluid your body will shut down it was so sad to see dad in this state. Dad lasted for 8 days. He passed on father’s day. Hospice told me to get grieving counseling!!!!!!!!!!!!! He should have never starved to death. So Please, please don’t place a family member on hospice unless they are truly terminal – less than 24 hours.

Hospice made it possible for us to get our daughter to the Outer Banks NC for her last wish. She had Acute Myelogenous Leukemia that a stem cell transplant could not repair. She had Compazine and Morphine which we carefully gave as needed. Those drugs made it possible for her to enjoy the OBX for six full days. Those drugs made it possible to transport her in a bed in a rented RV in complete comfort, no anxiety. The last day of her life she was alert and talking with family all day. In the afternoon she was disoriented so we added a dose of Haldol. Her urine bag was the color of coffee. When evening rolled around, another dose of Haldol, another 10mg of Morphine. Her girlfriends got in bed with her, one on either side and she fell asleep. Her BP had slowly dropped to 70/40, O2 fell to 91% and heart rate increased to 130. She was not agitated, she was not uncomfortable, just asleep. Just after 2 AM she took her last breath, still asleep, still relaxed and peaceful. It was as beautiful a passing as anyone could have.

I am so very sorry for your loss, Betty3.