I've been living with my friends mother now for 8 weeks. She has Dementia and is close to the 5th stage. At first she was relieved and no longer frightened when I had moved in. Now she still has confusion, dilusions and is worried about lots of little things. She misplaces things and thinks her cats are talking to her and the tv is talking to her sending her messages. She has recently, in the last 5 days, become demanding, frustrated with me, she has hit me with her purse and has been feeling threatend by me. She even feels her daughter, my friend, is betraying her. I know this is part of the disease, but the problem is, in a few months we are moving in with her daughter and I feel this may be a wrong move as we both will become her enemy. Is assisted living the best solution for elders with dementia. If she is going to become more demanding and abusive and threatend is it fair to say we will be victims, when we are trying to be the best possible caregivers. She has never had a mean bone in her life until now. I am looking for advice.
I feel for you and believe me I can understand. Honey there does come a time when the person you care for is so incapacitated that they do have to go to a nursing home. this is just a suggestion. Have Christmas, this week end invite who ever a hem has the time to come help with the decorations. Than for Christmas have everyone bring a dish. It doesn't have to be done exactly like "Mama" did it after all you are the main care giver now and that includes the care for everyone else. I do hope beings your husband feels the way he does that he helps when he is home from work. Instead of spending so much money on gifts that you probably don't have worry about the kids, and have each man bring a mans gift and each woman bring a womans gift and exchange in that way. Hire someone to help tidy up the house, have Christmas and make sure you buy yourself a treat and wear it and enjoy it and have a nice holiday. Your son deserves that much. If I didn't live down south I'd meet you and help you. My boss just lost her dad this year her mom is in the nursing home and she is very stressed to so I am going over this friday to help her decorate her mothers house and whatever else I can do her family is bringing each a dish and suggest make it one of mamma's dishes they can get together and make a list. This way everyone participates you don't have to do it all and they can't say you were scrooge this year after all scrooge did mend his ways didn't he with the help of ghosts of christmas past. My favorite christmas carol is pretty new it is Canon in D by trans siberian orchestra, it soothes the beast within me. I hope I have been of some help
A patient would need several series of treatments for it to work. I just don't know.
msTish it's okay if you have to do all the planning and entertainment it really is fun help her make out a Christmas Dinner Check to you go to the store and have a ball, ya gotta find your fun where you can. Love and prayers to you all
Yes,, I agree with mindingourelders, We all have our hands full thats why we are here and I am so thankful for this site, it really helps me take a good look at my situation and find solutions some work some don't but that's life. My husband is not a caregiver either although I have to say he did lots of things for his mom I didn't think was in him. I found him one day before we brought her to live with us. She had put on five pairs of panties because she just couldn't figure out how they went so they were all around her waist, don't ask me I haven't figured that one out give me twenty years and I may LOl anyway he undressed her and put her underwear on got her dressed shoes and sock and off to the hospital they went she had her second stroke, She was with my sister in law at the grocery store and had a stroke, my sister in law got angry with her made her sit down and finished her shopping than took her home and left, called us and said there is something wrong with mom so we went right over and just took her to ER thats how we found out anyway that was a long time ago. yes, we are all human treat yourself with love and kindness just like the person you take care of you will feel better, you will deal with their issues better and life won't be so demanding. love to all and thanks for being here for me to neon
Even since getting my parents into assisted living, there is always something to do, and always someone around. Even at work the office situation is a bullpen setting and there is just NO PRIVACY! I think that is the thing that drives me the most crazy.
Even if I'm just sitting with my husband and I go off into la-la land, there he is to wake me up out of it and gets me into something else or another demand. I forgot who said it, but my patience has never been lower. My heart knows the correct attitude to have, but my physical and emotional response is one that snaps more frequently than it ever has. I live in constant exhaustion and even with sleeping pills I still can't sleep.
All I can share with others, is take 10 minutes to read if you can, try to get into counseling. Don't let it the stressors of caretaking get too far before your physical and mental health is just too difficult to restore.
Neon, I think you said it best when you said you don't care what others think. That is a very difficult attitude to obtain, but yes, it is possible AND necessary. Thank you for re-itterating that fact. Thanks all!
When my mother was 89 she had a heart attack. Six weeks later, she passed out on her feet, fell and broke both bones in her leg, totally separating the foot from the leg. The hospital refused to allow the orthopedic surgeon to operate, it was against their policy to allow surgery on someone with such a recent heart attack. As I have her health care power of attorney, they laid all this on me, said the best way was just to remove the foot. Those were fighting words. The surgeon had already told me it would be a very difficult procedure to fix it but he had no doubt he could. The thought of my mother waking up to find her foot gone was totally unacceptable to me as I knew it would be to her. I insisted they allow the operation. They said no. I said they were to do it or answer to my mother when she woke up and they wouldn't like that. There was no circulation in the foot, something had to be done quickly. During our heated discussion it became readily apparent to me that their refusal to operate on the elderly usually boiled down to liability, they were afraid of a lawsuit. Common sense told me that it would be less stress to reset those bones and insert pins than it would be to take off the foot. Sure, I had to sign a stack of papers, but they fixed the bones and four weeks later she was back to her usual self. Moral to the story: DON'T LET THEM SNOW YOU ABOUT THE DANGERS OF AN OPERATION. Yes, operations of all kinds on all age levels involve danger. If someone is in too much pain to be able to take care of themselves, you might want to get a second or third opinion on the risk of an operation. Mostly, they fear losing a patient and the possible lawsuits that might result more than their concern for the patient.