I'm really wondering if describing all I have learned through my experience would help others?

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I have been asked to consider writing a book. Over the past 5 yrs. I have learned the hard way how best to pursue a resolution to the financial exploitation of my parents (both with Alzheimer's) by my brother, their POA. Would the dozens of things I learned help others

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Thank you for your post bookluvr! .....I wish I had found Agingcare long ago. It wasn't until after my father's death that I came across it. The great articles and posts helped me to realize that there are so many others out there with similar struggles and feelings while caring for a loved one. This was the first time that I have posted about the lawsuit. I wasn't ready to share my pain over a family that I continue to love. Every once in a while, I can feel angry over the accusations and lies but then I remember that desperate people do desperate things. I wish them no ill will but I cannot see a relationship there ever again. So much damage. As far as the older brother being left in the Will, I have no opinion on that because that is what my father wanted. He had a different relationship (respect) for the older of my two brothers. Although sad, I couldn't fix it. Actually, he seem to have more respect for his first born son than the rest of us. It really never bothered me. I didn't feel the need to be "top dog". It was never about the will for "D" and me. It was out of love that we took on the effort to care for our dad. The summery that I posted last was really a small sampling of our experience. I've learned so much over these past few years. Some of which I am grateful for and some I could have done without! It sounds as though you have made peace with your struggle. Even though you did not receive the respect that you should have after caring for your parents, ....you know...your parents know...God knows. Best wishes for you!!
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Summer...{{{HUGS}}} ... I think I understand about the brother being in the Will. My father is old fashion. Male is suppose to inherit the land. Women marry the males with land. My father told me that if I wanted land, then I should marry a man with one. His land was to be divided among the 3 boys. Oldest bro got his land. This house/land is suppose to be divided into 2 for the other 2 boys. Oldest bro is like a shark circling this house/land. He has parked his junk cars on dad's corner lot. He actually cleared out the old garage out back, and is planting Japanese grass. He, his wife and sons are gardening/caring for the yard every weekend. In the past 23 years, when father and I asked him for help with mom - nothing. When both parents were bedridden and I was by myself with them in this house, with a full time job, I asked if one of his 2 grown up sons (living free with him with no jobs) to move in with me to help caregive our bedridden parents. Nothing. But.. now that he thinks father is going downhill fast, he is clearing dad's land, planting, etc...

When mom died last year, I found out that most people were praising oldest bro and wife for taking good care of mom!!! My 7 siblings insisted that mom's funeral money be split evenly. I try not to think about it. It hurts within. And I try not to think of the reality because then I will become depress and then suicidal. So, I do what I do best. Take it one day at a time and struggle against being bitter towards them.

Maybe your father included your brother because he did have some old fashion values that compelled him to include the son. Yet, he appreciated what you and D did for him all these years, and included you in the Will. At least he included you.

A book would be nice. If you also include tips on how you did this or that. How you responded to the doctor and be so pro-active. Not everyone has common sense - especially if they were never taught while growing up to use their thinking cap. I've learned a lot from this site. So, when I encounter a similar situation, I know what to expect, etc...
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...I think I just wrote a book...:)
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Where2turn~I think your experience would make a great book. I too have an experience that if I had any writing ability, would love to get off my chest and into a book. The short but accurate version is that my sister "D" and I looked after our father when he began having health issues in 1995. Our mother passed away suddenly a few years prior. Angioplasty, quadruple heart bypass, spinal stenosis, diabetes, prostate cancer. We made sure that one of us went to every, and there were many, doctor appointments. We stayed with him in his home after each procedure/surgery, until he was able to again be on his own. As part of our visits each week, we would house clean and have a nice lunch with dad. There was not a holiday that he would spend by himself. As he got older, we brought every holiday to his home, which he enjoyed most. I am one of six. Adding in spouses and many grandchildren, there was always a full house. As our father aged he became less active, he became more of a news junky, watching a lot of politics on the television. His hearing had gotten worse so the volume was always cranked up as was the temperature of the heat in his home. He became more vocal with his opinions and to be quite honest~ he could be difficult at times. If he got angry, he would sometimes stop speaking to someone for a while. His way or the highway! He was used to calling the shots, in his home anyway. It was never important to me to change his way of thinking at his age so I remained a dutiful daughter and tried to keep the peace. Unconditional love. In my opinion, my eldest sibling saw his age as an opportunity to set him straight. They didn't mesh too well. Funny, she is a lot like him. Fast forward to 2010. Hospitalized for a serious infection ( he hated hospitals) and after we brought him home. He needed 2 people to stand, urinate in his urinal, transfer and shower. He had a picc-line in and picked up C. Diff. This infection was a bugger to treat and we had countless accidents to clean up. Keeping everything clean and laundry was never ending. Showers up to 6 times a day. We had to set alarms for meds every 4 hours and bathroom trips in-between. This was just the beginning of the next couple of years. For a while it was a hospitalization every few months requiring both "D" and myself to work together and get him back on his feet. We asked and pleaded for help from siblings. We were exhausted. They came a few times but that got old fast. Our father said that he felt like a burden. Silly arguments between siblings started and that became their excuse to walk away. Our dad's wish was to stay in his home until his death. "D" and I put our families, friends and work on hold. We made many sacrifices and it was WORK. Caring for our dad, his home, inside and out, not to mention the attention needed in sorting out all the medical bills that never made it to the secondary insurance company. At about the time dad was getting around pretty well and we "D" and I started taking turns staying with him so that we could catch time with our families, our father got into a serious car accident. He spent a month in the hospital. This time bringing him home was scary to me despite my background in physical rehabilitation. In his mid 80's and all those broken ribs and bones made transferring a challenge. Through his determination and spirit, we got through it and our dad walked again with the aid of a walker. He even got to the point that he could go without it around the house. Things were quiet for a while until he had a heart attack and that's when hospice was brought in. Not ever having to go back into the hospital gave him great peace. During the hardest times in his last few years here, he only saw our siblings a few times. He was hurt. He had his mind. He changed his will. That is where my pain (and my sister "D" also) begins... We were accused of everything under the sun. Elder financial abuse, undue duress, every hurtful thing. Accused of everything but being good daughters who honored their father's wishes and kept him where he wanted to live and die. At home. We were sued by our siblings and testifying on our behalf was our dad's doctor, hospice nurse, lawyer and close friend. We won....I guess you could say. The lawsuit pretty much tore us apart. The truth was apparent in court. We've been slandered on Facebook (I don't have one) openly. Slandered to relatives and mutual friends. Sent cruel text and harassed to the point of calling the police. As far as my reputation, I've decided that those who know me...know me. Interestingly, one of our other siblings remained in our father's will even though he didn't see our dad much more than the others. Why? Because it was my father's will. He had his mind. Our brother did not receive the backlash that we did. He was also not a caregiver. I understood the hurt my siblings felt being left out of our father's will. I truly did. I hurt for them. I also understood the hurt my father felt. His hurt was for relationships lost. Their hurt was over money. Even though there were many unbelievably difficult days caring for our father we also spent many good times. We managed to give him the best quality of life possible. With love, kindness, patience, respect and dignity. We had time to laugh, cry and say goodbye.
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Gladimhere.... I am so sorry to hear of your similar experience with siblings. I have done so much reading (how I spent those lonely sleepless nights when your mind can feel like it is on someone else's side!) and I still have to stop and try to even imagine for a moment what it must be like to be a member of one of the thousands and thousands of families who navigate the aging and often devastating illnesses like Alzheimer's as a loving, respectful , cohesive unit with only the welfare and best interest of their parents in mind. I still have to remind myself that families like that absolutely do exist and are in the majority ....... and should be commended for doing what should actually be the natural process.
For me there has been a lot of grief involved (although it pales in comparison to the anger and resentment I carried with me like some internal organ!) in realizing that my only sibling ..... The only other person in the world who ever knew all the functional and dysfunctional parts of my family .....was not at all the person I thought he was. It likely sounds very odd to anyone who hasn't been where we have at some point, but the sense of betrayal, the disappointment at a gut level and even the initial numbness I experienced the moment I knew without question that he was stealing from my parents were more intense than some if those same emotional reactions to my first husband's infidelity. My sibling was someone who I related to differently than I would to another living soul for the rest of life. He would be beside me as we faced the death of our parents and we would support and lean on one another through the hard times. Now, as I am guessing is the case with your siblings, we are completely estranged. We have not communicated in any way other than through our attorneys since the day he was told that I knew what had been taking place and had enough documented evidence to turn his life upside down. He has never, even once taken an approach that wasn't aggressive (how could I do this now to my parents in their last years and embarrass them and him out of jealousy? **I still have not discovered what it was I had been jealous about) That is how he explained it to our extended family and embellished it with very cruel lies that he had prepared......imaginary nasty details and all.
I may may never stop wondering what happened to my 'little' brother or reach a point when I feel no sadness at the very real loss of that relationship. I think I began learning to let go of all the horror and sorrow of my parents disease and victimization when I found this website and knew I wasn't alone. The hardest message to overcome for me was that by moving forward to try to protect my parents I was an inconsiderate troublemaker and why on earth couldn't I just be a good (57 yr old) girl and leave it alone, not rock the boat, cause tension, upset my parents- or rather my father who is still has 'competent periods' - by even suggesting that they had a child who would do such a heinous thing? Imagine my surprise when I learned that most exploitation by an adult child is never addressed and 87% of the perpetrators are sons. Apparently a lot of daughters are 'nicer girls' than I am.
So do whatever you can to remind yourself of who you really are . It is so easy to forget in the chaos of a sibling creating an age of you in order to feel less guilty or to rationalize their own behavior. Surround yourself when you can ( I know this now isolating this feels) with people who respect you, know and appreciate you. Hang on!!
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W2T-
I too have been there, and still in the midst of it. There are so many greedy siblings in this world. I have thought about writing a book about this experience while I care for my mom 24/7, and siblings do next to nothing. There is so much of this going on out there, it boggles my mind. My siblings even called in a report on me of financial exploitation, which was the furthest thing from the truth, downright vindictive, and may very well effect my ability to ever find employment again. Every job I have ever had required a background check and credit report. Sibs have absolutely destroyed me and right after I completed a Master's degree on student loans. It has been an absolute nightmare! I can definitely identify with many sleepless nights.
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This is so needed and would help so many people. Would they read it? That I don't know. This kind of caregiver abuse, family and non family occurrs so frequently it should be required reading for every social worker.
I can not encourage you enough, but are you prepared to devote several years of your life to this project with the possibility of little financial return. Do you need the kind of closure to your personal pain that seeing this in print will bring to you personally? Would it just reopen personal deep wounds? I realize it is your "story" but would it be more objective if your husband is the author? He clearly has a great interest in unfair matters from his own research.
Should this be documented? Yes
Will it help others? Yes
Do you have the skills? Yes
Is a publisher interested? Yes.
Will your target audience know about it? Who knows.
Can you withstand the psychological pressures of reliving the trauma? Don't know.

Have you discussed this undertaking with an experienced, skilled psychologist who knows you well?
The information needs to be readily available for those facing similar challenges but only you know if you have the strength and determination to complete the taske.
Have you considered writing a very generalized article for a psychologial magazine or maybe a simple piece for somewhere like Aging Care. Just kind of testing your own personal endurance. There is no doubt that you are a very strong woman and could do it. Re reading your last post I think there are possibly several books to be gleaned from your experiences, plus those of others especially on this site who would be prepared to contribute their experiences. I look forward to hearing how you go forward. Blessings and encouragement.
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Fortunately, my husband has published several books (with 2 different publishers). His last book was nonfiction and a historical account of a wrongful incarceration in our community. I did the first proofing before it went to the editor so am very conscious of being legally vigilant. The editor of his last book is the one who asked me to consider writing about all the things that, when first faced with the realization that a parent (or parents )are being financially exploited the family member who has made the discovery can do to both move toward resolving the crisis and protecting their parents from further loss. Because the person exploiting our parents was my brother, it took almost an entire, frustrating year to convince anyone in a position to help that this was not sibling rivalry.....even with documented evidence. I live in a state where the statutes addressing elder financial abuse would not be considered a deterrent to a POA or an individual with access to their assets who decide to use their position and the illness of the elders to profit personally. Both the Financial Crimes Division of the local police department as well as the district attorney were very quick to inform me that this was a family, civil matter. The sad fact is that when this crime is committed by a family member it is not treated as a crime in my state. If anyone outside the family commits fraud, exploits the lack of ability of an elder to understand their finances can be arrested and the criminal justice and judicial system begin the process of proving and prosecuting the crime. So.....for five years I kept every document I could find, documented all conversations, kept all emails, was able to convince their attorney to request a full accounting, etc. My brother did not comply with a single request even when the attorney threatened to turn it over to the Clerk of Court. So through trial and error, hundreds of sleepless nights, two occasions of my computer being 'hacked' and the information and emails between my parents attorney cut and pasted to create a word document that was faxed to me at 3:00 one morning......because it was taking place within our immediate family it was never considered "worthy" of being investigated by local detectives or seriously pursued even by the attorneys involved. Both parents have Alzheimer's; my mother is approaching the last stage and has been incompetent for years. The bottom line was I could NOT SIT BY and watch this happen---/watch the savings and investments that she had worked so hard for turn into funds for remodeling my brothers house, buying expensive jewelry for his wife, etc. And, as anyone who has experienced this in any way, I was trying to navigate my way toward some kind of justice for my mother during the same period of time that I was already grieving the loss of my mentor, my greatest supporter and confidante. In one typical day I would find myself experiencing dozens of emotions and could feel, physically and emotionally the personal effects of something I still, to this day can't wrap my head around......fleecing one's own parents of their life savings. I am grateful now that I kept a journal and made some entry in that journal everyday. It was reading back over my journals and the continuous research I did during that 5 yr period that I realized how frequently this situation and others like it occur.......often never even challenged. If I had had a reference , a handbook/biography when I had no idea what to do or exactly where I could have turned, I would like to think that my parents could have been spared such significant loss. I discovered also that during the years that they were discussing the appointment of their POA, and we had
several family discussions about their wishes
there were so many significant signs of my brothers intent even though they were of course never part of those discussions. I found that there were things I could have done at that time that could possibly diverted the final catastrophe. It was the lowest point in my life- I finally had to give up a job I loved to devote the time necessary to bring an end to this, I was a newlywed and while my husband was encouraging and supportive I could never lose that little voice in the back of my head that he didn't sign on for this kind of 24hr/7 days a week turmoil. As Alzheimer's and relate diseases causing dementia reach epidemic proportions so does the exploitation. Ultimately if i can use what was such a very painful,confusing, expensive, hurtful, frightening time as well as a time of discovery and learning to help even one person facing the same sense of overwhelming helplessness,then out of the circumstances of a disease so egregious it can suck the air from whatever space it consumes, then SOMETHING positive may eventually occur as the result of well informed, well prepared and confidant loved ones saying through their actions... "NO MORE".
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W2T, How were you contacted about writing the book? Do you know who made the offer? Just be careful, it should not cost you anything to write the book. And if it is an above board proposition, it should not cost you anything to publish either.

I am sure it is very exciting, just be careful.
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Yes, yes, yes.
Any experience and how you coped with difficult situations is helpful to others..
Book's advice is also essential to follow. Sis & BIL will stop at nothing if it has dollar signs attached.
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