Hi everyone. I havent posted in quite a few days. Ive been falling deeper into depression as it neared my 32nd birthday, which was yesterday.
For those that dont know, I give 24/7 care to my mother with dementia. Ive been doing this off and on for about 8 years, this time longterm.
I think the lack of sleep is getting to me, honestly. I moved in with her, in a 1 bedroom apt. I sleep on the couch. Mom has no consideration for that and I hardly sleep because of that and the lack of comfort on the couch. Thats in between not being able to let go of stress and relax.
Ive become increasingly depressed since my mother told me I was just her maid. This was about a week? 2 weeks ago, I think? Im also her cook, accountant, gofer, nurse, bath attendant, item finder and her Ms. Fix It.
2 days ago, she had an accident and didnt tell me. Instead, she took the dirty diaper through the apt and dropped crap everywhere. She said she would clean it up. I let her try and didnt say a word. She placed a dirty rag over the spots and left them there. At this point its ..hmmm.. She started to pick it up and it got smeared. I asked her to just back away and I would do it. She got mad and proceeded to run her wheel chair over it, pushing it into the carpet. It was all over her chair. EVERYTHING. I sat on the floor scrubbing all the spots from the kitchen to the bedroom. I kept asking why she would do such a thing, tears pouring down my face. She asked why should do anything when I have to. I told her thats cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me. Im sitting here scrubbing her BLEEP out of the carpet, but Im the maid right?
Its been a constant battle with her going to Adult Day Care. It turns out she has been hanging up on the staff there and wont let me talk to them. Well we finally got a hold of each other and set up a time. Her doctor encouraged her to go and she agreed!
My brother came over for dinner tonight. Her accountant called and mom made an appointment for tomorrow. Same time as the day care. When i mentioned it, she screamed she wasnt going. When I said ...yes you are... my brother yelled at me ...youre to feed her and give her her pills. Thats it. Its her life, if she doesnt want to go, she doesnt have to.....Its my life too, isnt it? He doesnt know. He has no earthly clue what this is like. But, with those words to me, theres no way I can get her to go now. No chance.
Im sitting here typing and she came over and said....Im sorry about dinner.... I started crying and said she didnt realize what I go through. She said....what are you talking about? I said Im sorry thinking you were going to make me some soup instead of your birthday dinner..... I think I blew a gasket. I started laughing and crying hysterically. Told her ......here I thought you were apologizing for the way I was treated....... She had no clue what I was talking about.
Now, I feel just worse.