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Where to start... whew.

He has not mentioned divorce but it seems like that might be what he wants since he’s trying to move and have her live with someone else. He is moving for work. Asking her (he had to of known) is ridiculous because he knew she would say no.

My mom is 62 and currently in TX. She is pretty far advanced and really shouldn’t be left alone for long periods of time. She knows who her kids are but has 0 emotional awareness and has really no recollection who we are married to or that we all have young kids. He has cameras installed and monitors the house regularly to make sure she’s safe and eating.

That being said her husband is similar aged, so he is still too young to retire and he said that he has looked into facilities for her but it would cost him more money than he makes, which I know now isn’t possible. He lives a semi lavish (for him) lifestyle - eats out, hunts, nice truck, large home, etc. The home was his before met my mom. She literally has NO assets to her name.. before we realized that she had this disease she would compulsively shop and hoard stuff in closets, she she spent all the funds from her divorce from my dad.

We have tried to reach back out to him but he seems to be avoiding us. He just keeps texting back that he’s busy. My sisters and I are starting to think that this is a false alarm and he’s crying wolf...
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I married about the same time as this couple 2007 in 2013 my husband retired at age 56 we didn’t know then that he had frontotemporal dementia because he could cover up things but he was diagnosed in 2015 As a spouse we become one married for better for worst in sickness and health . It’s not the responsibility of the children yes they should help but it’s the spouse that should step in until he has no choice but to but his love one in a nursing home . Leaving for a job? like this is the only job in the world is an excuse God is able to work anything out for you I have been retired 2 years now since I realized I cannot leave my husband alone I wasn’t ready to retired but I put him first and I have been truly blessed I am sitting on my front porch writing this with my husband next to me his mindset is now that of a child there is no conversation I have to help in many things but I don’t regret my decision
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Where exactly was "divorce" mentioned?
Where is Mom living now?
Does she own the home, or both, or rent?
Can she stay put and have in-home support come in?
Can the hubs be required to support her at home?

Is it really a divorce? You want to get his new address before he moves.

Many many couples live apart for work purposes.
What are their ages?

A visit is in order, called boots on the ground. Imo.
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Getup mediCaid not Medicare. Medicare does NOT pay for long term custodial care for Alzheimer’s...
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What state are they in? Try to find a facility that accepts Medicare. Trust me, there is a LOT of work & paperwork involved to make anything with health care happen.... Start a notebook / spreadsheet of everyone you speak with, from doctors to facilities that you visit. It can become very overwhelming very quickly... Either you or one of your sisters should become her POA, it will makes things easier...
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My first reaction was that stepdad is a selfish jerk until I read agingmyself’s comment. Stepdad really is in a no win situation. He’s working, needs to move and his wife’s needs will be ever-increasing. Yes, he’s legally and financially responsible but what if he weren’t even in the picture? Sad challenge for all involved.
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Has anyone picked up the 'phone and had a conversation with your mother's husband?

One text message about a hypothetical move and marriage breakdown doesn't seem a lot to go on...
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Lindaav- to qualify for Medicaid, both the income and assets of the married couple are considered. There are state specific rules which allow the spouse that remains in the community to keep half of the marital assets up to a certain limit which is different in each state. The community spouse is also allowed to keep income equal to a Minimum Monthly Maintenance Amount. There are ways to deal with excess income. A lawyer needs to be consulted.
Just dropping her off at one of her daughters' homes with no paperwork in place to allow them to make decisions or spend her money is not a good plan at all.
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Oy vey, this man is 100% responsible for his wife.

Maybe you and your sisters can help him figure out what to do for his wife. Men, no offense to anyone, are typically not resourceful caregivers. If you see that he is at the end of his rope, odds are he is hanging on by the skin of his teeth.

Any move will be hard on your mom, it is just that way with dementia and the elderly.

I would seriously consider a family meeting with step-dad and all siblings involved and try to find a way to keep mom safe and cared for. Finding a place that parents can afford is a matter of research and I think your local area on aging is a great place for resources, it helps with lists and phone numbers to the services required, as well as the steps needed to insure that mom is being properly placed for her condition, dementia only gets bigger, I don't say worse because some hard to handle individuals become easier, so keep this in mind when making a decision. The further into dementia the harder change becomes.

Now is the time to pull together, as this is really about mom and her well being. Hopefully step-dad will bear the responsibility he willingly accepted when he married your mom. If not, and no one else can take her, take her to the hospital, tell them her husband abandoned her and she has no safe place to go. This will get the state involved and hopefully get her placed and on the road to Medicaid. He will get into a lot of trouble, but if he abandons her, he should. Walking away doesn't nix legal or financial responsibilities.

I hope that he is man enough to do right by his wife.
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How about some compassion for step-dad here? His wife is refusing the care he is able to provide. He asked her to go with him. She wants something else. What's he to do? Tie her to a chair and put her in the moving van? Or, as she wants, leave her at daughter's place?
There are resources--day care, for example. He needs help finding them. Contact the local Council on Aging or the Mental Health Council, have her doctor make some referrals, and/or see an attorney who specializes in Elder Care.
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FishyMom, yes, you've been "shoved" into a very difficult situation. But, given that your mom's husband is apparently willing to abandon her and because you're worried that such a big change would escalate her illness, I don't think it's a good idea to try to force your mom into moving out-of-state with him -- that has disaster written all over it. Call your state's office on aging/senior care to find out what resources are available to help your mom. Best wishes.
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I was where you are a while ago. To my understanding, the nursing home or facility you choose will only take your Mom's SS check. My Mom has nothing, so that's all they can take. If I'm wrong somebody please let me know now.
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Thank you. We are a little worried that such a big change will escalate her illness even more. As well a little worried that he will just show up with her stuff and bail.

We know there are some serious repercussions for him doing that but I’m worried he’s at the end of his rope.

I will check out those resources and see what options he has. Anyone know anything about sposal impovrishment? Options on assisted living? And how to lower the costs?
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JoAnn’s right. Why would he even ask her if she would want to go with him? He’s dumping her off on you and that’s not fair. He needs to accept his responsibilities. He sounds like a real upstanding guy. Not.
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Her husband needs to take her with him. She is his responsibility. Its up to him to find the services she needs. You need to tell him that you and your siblings are not able to take Mom in. I am assuming here you all have families and jobs. I think he is just shirking his responsibility. Of course she said no, she has Dementia.

You could research the area he will be moving to. Are there Daycares, aide help, ect. Office of Aging in that county should have info.
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