We decided to move mom into assisted living, but it's isn't her choice

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Mom is 91, very limited mobility with walker and has been living with Sis and I ( 6 months in each state) for over 10 years. She moved herself in gradually after Dad went into the nursing home because she hated being alone. Instead of creating her own new life, she co-opted ours and our friends. Our kids are now grown, my BIL passed in Dec, and Sis is not wanting to care for Mom any longer. Sis has her own health issues. Mom is spoiled, emotionally demanding and expects everyone else to take care of her and the major issues. The world has revolved around her and still does in her mind. I'm 54 and am expected to spend all my free time with Mom. She's bored and unhappy and we have decided that she'd do best in AL. We're scouting facilities now and Sis is flying out next week so we can tell her. I expect anger, nastiness like never seen, but then she may just lose it and go sullen. All she'll hear is that we don't want her. What we want is for her to have a life, and for us to be able to have a life as well. We're exhausted and she's still using the guilt trips and manipulation on us she's always used to get her way. We're resentful that once again, she's refused to be responsible for her life and we have to be the bad guys. Any advice you all can give would be so appreciated.

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Wonderful comments Jeannegibbs about not being able to make our parents perfectly happy and that we aren't "in control" of the last days of their lives. My Dad is in an AL now close to me. He has struggled with not having a car to drive and not owning his own home. It's been almost 3 months. I'm considering touring him at other places to see if we can find a better fit. He feels that he is in a place where too many are "invalids." And I'm struggling with wanting him to be somewhere more quiet and nature-surrounded. It's better now that I'm not responsible for his home and worrying about whether he is driving badly and not eating well, but I still struggle with wanting him to be happier. This whole set of questions and answers was spot-on to help me with my thinking. Thank you!
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Joyce, I'm unclear...does your fil live with you? He's made a choice to go home, but i don't see that this obligates you to provide care.
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About my 91 year old father in law, he listened to the cardio dr., the social worker, the head nurse, and his sons and me. Then he argued with all of them got dressed and left the hospital. He said he was tired of people telling him what to do. The way i see it is that he and has made a decision, a poor one at what. I don't like it, i've resigned myself to this. We have been going through this for five years and it has been a challenge. I feel so bad. I only have maybe a year left to live. I must take care of myself. I don't mean to sound shallow but i feel that he has left one building (hospital) for another (funeral home) maybe he wanted to come home to die i love him so much.
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Hi Linda. My inlaws aren't Italian but they are of similar emotional and hard-headed stock. I will share with you my experience getting them to move out of their home and into independent living, which they absolutely did not want to do.

This is between you, your sister, and your mother. Family members have no idea what really happens behind closed doors. And you do not need to explain yourself to family members just because they have an (uninformed) opinion about your mother's living arrangements.

We toured places and found only one that had the highest priority resources my inlaws needed: meals, safety features, and activities. My FIL can't cook so healthy meals were a top priority. Every room as well as next to the toilet and in the shower is a big red HELP button in the event of an emergency. And like your mom, my inlaws were become clingy, wanting us to fill their social calendar. I love my inlaws but I don't want to spend all my free time with them. They needed to spend time with people their own age.

I would advise you and your sister to tour places separately at first so that each of you can form your own opinions. Talk to residents. To narrow down your choices, go back for another tour together with your sister. You will see things you didn't the first time. You will see things from your sister's perspective, and she from yours.

Once you have finalists, go over AL brochures/videos with your mother together with your sister. Expect to have the assisted living conversation many times, framing it as this is what is necessary for her health and safety *and* for the peace of mind of you and your sister.

You are letting your mother manipulate/guilt you. She's not doing it to you.

By the time you take your mom on a tour of any assisted living, you will be armed with lots of information so that you can help your mom make an informed choice.

And assure your mom that you will help her get ready to move. And ask family members to help on moving day and help her settle into her new life.

Finally, the way my inlaws talked about it in the first weeks after moving into indy living you would think we'd put them in the Hunger Games. The transition was stressful and unpleasant but it needed to be done because my inlaws were deteriorating rapidly. Now they are safe and have dignity. Feel free to message me if you want more details. I wish you lots of luck!
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Also, post this as a new question. You'll get more responses.
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You DO NOT, repeat DO NOT accept discharge. Talk to the discharge team and the physician about families' inability to care for him.
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.my 91 year old father in law had a heart attack, he wants to go home when he is discharged from the hospital. My husband and I are both disabled. I have a terminal disease, The dr. wants him to into a rehab place for 1 to 2 wks. He refuses to do this. We can' t care for him. He lives alone. Anger and resentment for him is starting to set in. He always cared about his own needs before any of us. He thinks will be fine, but that is not what the doctor said. We are at the e d of our ropes. What is our recourse?

.e t
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Linda22, I love the "my give a damn" is busted and I don't see repair in the future. HA...... have to keep that one. Love it. My Mom is exactly like yours, always gets her way. I have decided, no more. Her little spoiled, selfish girl stuff is over. Don't feel bad, don't worry about it, do something for you and your sister for once., She will just have to get over it and go to AL. Good Luck
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Jeannegibbs, thank you for your help - such good insight

Ringo1, hang in there - we're on an unfamiliar path here and it's an emotionally charged one at that. But we're good children to our parents, we've taken care of them well. But we are the only mother/father our kids have and they need us to take care of ourselves, to spend time with them. We think and people make us think we must spend the precious time with our parents as they are aging. But there are no guarantees on how long any of our loved ones will be with us. When I take a Saturday with my daughter, I no longer feel any guilt about leaving Mom at home. Why? Because two years ago, my daughter was diagnosed with cancer (she's clean and healthy now, thank God) and I was smacked in the face with the realization that I could lose my daughter just as easily as Mom, and I needed to take time with her.
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Oh, Jeannegibbs, how did you get so wise? I'm going to have to read some of your past posts.

You are right about everything; I'm trying hard to restore my father to what he once was. I should know we are not in control; I learned it when my mother died of colon cancer; when my brother was killed in an accident.

We are not in control. But somewhere I got this idea that I could make my father's last years ' happy years'. As if I could shield him from growing old; or dealing with everyday life. The 'golden years' myth. But, I can't. And he isn't willing to do much for himself. And, truthfully, he wasn't really a really happy person 20 years ago.

So I am going to enjoy my son while I still have him here and try not to look too far into the future with my father. I will have another chat with his caregiver; I do appreciate SOME of her advice but she and I have vastly different ideas about what constitutes a good life and how I should be spending my time. I do resent the fact that she steered him away from AL; but I will revisit that with my father another time. We seem to be walking on eggshells around each other. Perhaps he feels that I am trying to push him out. There are days when I would love to put this responsibility onto someone else; but there is no one else. AND there are days when I would like to see some appreciation from him; I bought the house and gave him the master bedroom; while my son and I are upstairs in the 'kids' room. He just acts like it is all his due.

I hope that your husband is doing well; he certainly has a smart and insightful caregiver.

I look forward to reading your story. Thank you for your insight.
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