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I just lost my Mom. It was an agonizing death and long drawn out. I am haunted by the images and sounds and it was a quiet few hours after wards for me. Then I started calling her grandkids to let them know. I waited till they were each home from work so that I didn't upset them on the road or in public. Wishing 20 minutes the grandchild in another State that knew her the least started posting on Facebook. By the time I was calling my cousins they said they already Had to Find Out on Facebook! I was shocked, I had no idea someone would start posting things like it was some Trending Topic. I understand that everyone grieves differently and all that, but this is a good time to think about letting people know your needs as soon as you tell them of a passing. There is some Social Media etiquette, but let's face it, a lot of Social Media people aren't up on their Emily Post. I should have told people, "Give me time to notify all family and friends before you start posting things and getting "likes". I'm having a hard time and would like some time to tell family and friends by telephone. Set either a time frame like 24-72 hours or whatever you need before having people post. Facebook can be a wonderful place to share memories and pictures and receive comfort, just make sure you're not taking over the announcements and hijacking someone's bereavement. Usually the one taking care of all the necessary details is the one who is blindsided. I hadn't even had my Mom's body moved before I was getting "Why didn't you tell me?" demands. Anyway. This is an important subject to talk about with family and friends in this time of technology

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Like FF, I don't plan to publish any obituary or notice of the funeral. The people who need to know will be contacted. There's no need for the general public to know. Nor do I want any information available to someone who might decide to visit his or my house on the date and time of the funeral. There have been burglaries in this area during funerals. It's not only a notice of death but also of when the house of the deceased and possibly houses of the relatives will be empty.

I also don't plan to ask the funeral home, if I use one, to publish anything as I definitely don't want the information to be available online. Instead of an expensive funeral, I'd prefer to alternatively spend the money on my father's favorite charities. I'd also rather take his friends and family out to lunch or dinner, just the people who supported us during his last years.
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Imaging sitting at a traffic light and seeing on your Smartphone that a dear one had passed. Now what?

I also don't have a Facebook account nor do I read anything on Facebook [guess I couldn't if I didn't have an account]. I don't Tweet or Instagram or whatever else is out there. I did have an account on Linkedin but after a few months took that down. I didn't like having that much information out for the world to see.

When my parents recently passed, I never did put in an obit in the local newspaper because it would go out onto the Internet. There was a notice on the funeral home website but one would have needed to know the name of the funeral home.
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This is why I don't have a Facebook account. Stressed so sorry Mom had such a horrible death but she is at peace now but you are left with the memories of her last days. You were at her side through all this so be proud this was possible and you were there to comfort her. I hope in time these bad memories will fade and you will remember happier times with her.
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Stressed123, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I couldn't agree with you more. Unfortunately, with the way young people see and utilize Social Media, they don't nessasarily see it as a breach of etiquette, only a way to get the information out there, but don't understand that this is such a cold and insensitive manner in which us older folks view such things, we wish to do these sorts of things delicately and with a personal touch, just look at the thought you put into notifying your Loved Ones, you didn't want them to be upset in inappropriate places! It isn't right, but they do not know any better, as it is the way in which they see as "efficient", but again, they should be taught otherwise or soon human emotions will become very robotic, and I sure pray it doesn't become so, people are already cold enough when it comes to the caring of our elders, just ask most of the contributors here on this site, most cannot even get their siblings and other family members to even help out once and awhile. Again, so sorry you've lost your Mom today. I do know ow hard it is, as I lost mine 13 years ago and srill she is not far from my thoughts. I'll be thinking of you and your family in the coming days. Take Care!
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Stressed, I'm sorry for your loss. It's sad that the loss is compounded by the lack of consideration of those who've publicly shared that private information.

Unfortunately, people flock to social media, and I suspect very few of them have ever read the terms and conditions of the sites. But I suspect many also don't recognize the immediacy of information sharing, and lack of privacy on these sites, not do they recognize the fact that whatever they write could easily be spread by others who lack the decorum and comprehension of basic privacy.

I've written before of my contempt for these sites and still feel that way. However, I think anyone who posts needs to recognize that privacy is a value that seems to be vanishing as people share all sorts of personal information, sometimes with total indiscretion, without having the benefit of face to face conversation during which someone's facial expression could reflect the shock of publicizing that kind of personal info.

If you use social media, be prepared to accept that nothing is confidential, and that you're likely dealing with many people who grew up without the sense of decorum and respect for privacy that older generations have.

I've had to tell relatives that I don't want any information or photos of us shared on social media. I also don't plan on sharing anything confidential with them. It's sad that it's come to that, but some people have no common sense.
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Stressed, my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. Gosh, I would have been upset, too, if people started posting on Facebook, as it confuses everyone as whom had received a private call. And it can make for some awkward moments and a lot of assumptions regarding the funeral.

I had that awkward moment when a relative whom I never met assumed he and his wife would be handling the rest of the funeral for my Dad in their State, as my Dad had them handle my Mom's final phase earlier on.... ah no, I had already chosen someone else for my late Dad.
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I posted a notice of my husband's death on CaringBridge within hours of it happening.
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So sorry for your loss. Its a sad world that we live in when you have to put the stipulation on people to not post it on social media or to ask for privacy during this difficult time. its a shame that its not common sense but I experienced the same thing recently. within an hour the info was on facebook and obituaries were shared with people I don't even know.
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This is a good sentence to memorize before the need arises: "Give me time to notify all family and friends before you start posting."

I wouldn't be too hard on the out-of-state grandchild. This is what young people do. Something happens in their life that seems noteworthy and they immediately want to share it publicly. Yes, that isn't always appropriate, but this is a matter of ignorance, not malice or intentional rudeness.

I think the takeaway lesson here is for the bereaved to ask for time to tell everyone.

Thanks for sharing. And condolences on your loss.
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I just called one cousin and asked her to let the others know. They in turn can either post or call those people. Same with mom's friends, I called one and she called the others. People who turn around and call you immediately are stupid.
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((((((((hugs)))))))) so sorry for your loss and also the thoughtlessness of others. Social media has its good points but, as in your experience, also its bad points. As Lu says -take care of yourself. There is still lots for you to do and adjusting to your mum's passing will not be easy,.
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The same thing happened when my sister's FIL died several years ago. Sis was going through the relatives making phone calls and got a frantic call from a granddaughter... "is it true my grand dad has died?" -yes, so sorry "does mom know?" -uhm, not yet. Maybe in time we will develop some kind of code of conduct in relation to social media, in my opinion it is way past due.
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stressed123,
I'm so sorry you lost your Mother and I would be very upset about this too.I don't know where manners and etiquette have gone.I wonder how they would feel if it happened to them.I'm just SO sorry.Take care of yourself,Lu
The Golden Rule...Do unto others,as you would have them do unto you.....
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