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I live with my 86 year old mother who is practically wheelchair bound. She is at the point where I cannot work because she cannot stay by herself. She has always been controlling and we had to walk on eggshells around her. Lately, she has become verbally abusive more and more. I try to get up and move to another room but she follows me. I am the only one she does this too please help me

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My mother is very mean and recalls only my past bad behavior. I sit and take it but it has a lasting affect. She has broken my heart this time and at 90 I want to always recall the pleasant memories with her. I am lucky to have two brothers who she especially likes, the oldest is her caretaker. She simply dislikes her daughters who are a big disappointment. Thanks for listening, I will try t let it roll off my back but three days after the last attack it still is very painful.
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OK, The Queen arrived ! But so did alot of company BUT I went to bed anyway , I could here every one laughing & having a good time. I didn't want to be bothered (I was exhausted ) after 4 hrs. She came in my room & said I am leaving . I said ok well she left the same time the company did. So mom was in a good mood & every one had a good time while I needed my rest. . So the QUEEN ate & drank & was merry. well at leat I got a nap... That was Satirday Haven't heard from her since. I will keep u posted !
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well I demanded the Queen (my older sister ) to come over & give me a break ! It is now 10:30am & she hasn't even called. I took mom to the bathroom.& she wanted a laxitive (hospice gave her ) BUT I told her it wouldn't work right away. then she says God dammit why r u so nasty to me? I don't know why u r saying that! then she says I have chased eveyone away because of my nastiness. I tried to bite my tounge. But I said u know what mom noone is here because they don't want to deal with this. NOT BECAUSE OF ME. do u think they would turn on ur blanket & make sure u get in a warm bed every night ? Do u think thwy would give u a shower & make sure ur oxy. is on untill u have to slip a shirt on NO because they don't know how & I don't deserve this (abuse from u. Every ine has scattered except me. If & when the QUEEN does come I am leaving overnight. I started to fill her pill box so she wouldn;t miss any. & mom says OH NOW UR TAKING MY PILLS FROM ME ( how rotten can u be) I said we'll see how it is later becaus I need to go home! just for the day & maybe overnight (than she really got upset ) I said lets see if u abuse the Queen & see if she makes sure u get in a warm bed or fixis u a snck at ten . by the way mom woke up with a coughing spell & wanted to go in the living room at 2:00 am this morning sooo we did . lets see if the queen will do that. I have done nothing BUT give u everything I possiably can & u act like u hate me. (u never know what u got till it's gone ! So I am gone & than maybe u will see what u've had.!
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Thanks for all the (GREAT) coments & sugestions I have learned alot through this site. I LOVE IT . & when the QUEEN does come I am going to bed. !!!! Let's just see how it goes. I"ll let you know !
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BS0123- did you ask your doctor if you should be bathing MIL at this point? It doesn't sound like a good idea, to me. I just has total knee replacement Dec 3rd. Joint replacements are not easy. Has hubby ever done it? I would tell him for at least 2 more weeks, you should not be doing it, and he will need to step in. He might not find it so funny then.
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Good for you. I hope it works. At least the issue is out in the table now. Sometimes being direct is the only thing that does work. Yes, she can learn about your mum's needs, and she should. Time she stepped up to the plate a bit! High five to you!!!!
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I recently wrote about the (queen coming to (visit ) ) MY OLDER SISTER ! & that is what she does (VISIT) A good Friend gave me some good advice. Here it is. Mom woke up at 3:00 rarin to go. But not making sense. So I called the (QUEEN) my older sister at 3:30 am (knowing she was getting a good night sleep) heheh! I did not ask her I TOLD her ( what time can u be here so I can catch a nap)usually I ask , & she says I don;t know ! well she was shocked . So she say oookay I can come tomorrow! If mom wakes up at 3:00 tomorrow I am going to do the (SAME THING) don't ask TELL THEM (ASKING GIVES THEM A WAY OUT. (what a great sugesstion & friend) it worked. I am soooo looking forward to a day of rest ! The only problem is (the queen is not familliar with moms needs (BUT SHE'S GOING TO LEARN) oh by the way the queen only lives 20 minutes from mom so its not like she has to travel. !
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My MIL has vascular dementia is a maximum assist. We have a caregiver in the am for 4 1/2 hrs but I'm still stuck at home after she leaves. I just had total hip replacement nov. 27. My main problem is that my MIL is VERY combative just to change and bathe her. She hits and kicks and makes herself stiff as a board and seems like she turns to stone and weighs 300 lbs! (She only weights 125). This is every single day with me and the caregiver, its such a strain every morning. My husband seems to think its funny but we don't! Very frustrating.
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Tanner, I know how this must drive you crazy. My brother comes here and he does nothing but takes her out to eat every now and then but usually it is me that fixes lunch. After he leaves my mother is all but gushing about how his visit was sooooo great. I am the one that does all the bad stuff and is hard to love with. I just want to scream and tell everyone what is really going on. My friends know and a couple of my mother's freinds know but it is still hard. To make myself feel better I am going to take a long bath is water that so hot it will be like a sauna with lots of bubbles. By the way, i get this bubble bath that has eucalytpis and speramint in it and it makes me feel relaxed. try it, it might help. take care.
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correction - I should have written that I avoid my sis as much as I can, mother welcomes her company
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tanner - my sis expects me to do things for her too, and does little for mother, and mother goes along with it. Thankfully my mum and I have separate residences, and avoid my sis as much as possible. Sounds like your sis and mum are treating you like a servant, and you need to set some boundaries, which you are trying to do. Jeanne has a good suggestion. Leave if you can for the time your sis visits. I doubt that talking to her about these issues will do much good, but you can try. Maybe set it out in writing, and give it to her, Be very specific e.g.-if she is in the room with your mum, and you are out of the room, and your mum needs to go to the bathroom, you expect sis to take her. Have you had a family meeting with your sibs to discuss, and layout the sharing of caring for mum? You have the greatest job but they can help. Her needs and your job will only increase, and you certainly need some assistance and respite, even if they help pay for someone to give you a break. ((((((hugs))))) and good luck
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tanner56, why don't you leave when the queen visits? Greet her at the door with your coat on and purse in hand. Say "It is so good of you to visit Mom. I'll be back in two hours." (or however long she usually stays.) Then take a little respite. She'll figure out how to get her own beverage and get Mom to the bathroom.
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I don't know if anyone else has this problem! But I am my mothers care giver I moved in with her & my brother moved into my house . MY PROBLEM--- I have an older sister who could help but does very little. When she does come over she (vbisits) BUT when she walks in the door I get kicked to the curb & it is like the Queen of England --- came to visit ! I love my mother & I would do anything for her. My sister sat down & my mom TOLD me to get my sister something to drink. MY sister & I had words than I went in the other room to take a breathier .. MY sister yells (mom needs to go to the bathroom. I jumped up & I said SO TAKE HER. ! I really don't get it. . My sister visits & I catch hell all the time. She really looks great BUT people do not know (what goes on behind closed doors ) & that really hurts.
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lavender123, you've gotten some useful advice and sharing of experiences here! I'd like to endorse the suggestion of finding a day program. Start with a few hours a week, but if it works out it may enable you to go back to work, at least part time. Often they have handicap-equipped vans that pick up and return their participants. They are not all created equal. The one that worked out best for my husband had a lot of activities but did not insist that everyone participate in everything. They had a "quiet room" with recliners where someone could rest or read. And yes, Medicaid covers this.

I also think it is a good idea to keep in close touch with the doctor who treats the dementia (and to have a specialist for that!) Report changes in symptoms.Maybe a med change would help.

Leaving the room (and going somewhere you can close the door) is good, and trying very hard to let it roll off your back can help. My mantra was "This is not my dear husband talking. It is the disease."

Sincere best wishes and hugs to you, lavender, as you struggle with this very common and very challenging aspect of dementia.
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I know what you're talking about. My daughter is 22 and has ADD. My son is 17 and has ADHD with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. A lot of times my husband does not get home from work until 9 or 10 pm. When I have to go out and be gone during dinner I have to call and ask if they gave grandma & grandpa their medicine and their dinner. If I can get them to answer the phone ( we have talking caller ID ) they usually say they forgot. They moved in about four years ago. Right after they moved in my mother-in-law started coming into the kitchen every evening and cursing and calling me all kinds of names. I took it for a little over a week and then I got in her face. I told her to never ever talk to me that way again. I told her I would not allow anyone to talk to me that way in my house. I told her to go in their room and sit down. She went in their room, closed the door, sat down and never spoke to me like that again. I don't know how long after that that we found out that she had dementia.
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I am feeling you ElderlyandADHA - thanks for giving me a laugh.
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You are right hadenough, my mother left me with my grandma and went out to get her hair done every week for HOURS. I would have loved to bake cookies with her and spend time with her. I spent ALOT of time with my kids when they were growing up though. She missed out on all the joy of ME! Now my kids die at spending time with mom, and she wants to crawl inside my skin, cant sleep in daytime even if I am sick. or go out very much. Its like having a very ugly creepy newborn..lol
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What is with the following around? It drives me mad!! My Mother who used to be the most independent woman that I know follows me around like a puppy now. The 2 things that are really frustrating to me are the staring and the following around. Oh yeah the pacing outside of my bathroom or room when the doors are closed. It is so ironic because as a child I just craved her attention and it was very difficult to get as she "had things to do". Now it has totally reversed. When it is a toddler who does these behaviors it is at least cute. Patience - blessings to all.
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Specializing in dementia, it is critical to understand the neurobehavioral changes that occur with some dementias. It is also possible that although you are in pain and it worsens, the patient may not recall the episode and knowing that in the research is a start. Janet Gilbert, MS, CCC-SLP
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Oh and my mother follows me, in the bathroom even. lol, she asks me what I am doing constantly and goes room to room. These are the times I regret my small house! lol
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Its good to know that other people have the same stressors. I have two ADHD teens too. So they tend to run on the irritable side too. I walk on eggshells, have no privacy. Id like to put all of them in a daycare so I have downtime. If I take four hours out of my day for ME, I get calls from her and calls from them. Where are you?? Like hey, Im an adult, if you guys arent bleeding or in danger, you have a household full of food, one of my "kids" will be 19 soon the other one 17 soon. Help each other! I finally get a little respite from the one who will make grandma a TV dinner when I am out. If I am out a long time, like more than 4 hours I have a real adult come and take over. As its not their job to care for grandma, although caring for her is letting her dog out and fixing her something to eat, not too hard. But she is abusive to me and likes to split. Hey shes been splitting and manipulating for 90 plus years, why stop now? I know it is hard to hear the ugly words. But you will come out on the other side ok..just make some time for yourself. I did not until this year. I felt like I was breaking down. I was also not going to be good for anyone either.
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My Mom is verbally abusive and controlling, too. She also refuses to see her doctor for any medication that might improve her mood (and behavior). The only option is, as laurie1261 says, is to let it roll off your back. When you're tired or stressed, it can be really difficult. Try taking a time out outside the house!
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My mom isn't abusive in an obvious way, but she certainly can make me feel awful, and finds fault with most of the things I say. If my husband says something, she accepts it. If I do, it's challenged or she gets annoyed by it or feels defensive and makes that very clear. You have to try to let that roll off your back - it's not easy, but they have fewer "filters" than they had 10, 20, 30 years ago. With or without dementia, older people just seem to take a "Heck with it, I'm saying whatever I want" attitude. If there's even a trace of resentment, perhaps because you're the caretaker and they hate needing one, it comes out. Hang in there!!!
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My Dad has always been verbally abusive but it's really gotten a lot worse lately. He sees a psychiatrist and a psychologist. We told the psychiatrist about how agitated Dad seems these days. She prescribed Lamictal to help calm him down. It may be helping but he's only been on it for a couple of weeks so might be too soon to tell.

It's possible that your Mom will benefit from a Dr's visit. Her Dr may help with getting to the bottom of what changes she is going through and prescribe something for the symptoms.
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Dear Lavender123,

There are some excellent adult daycare facilities around. My mother goes 2 days/week for 6hrs each day. This facility has a program for dementia and non-dementia patients. Patients can go as much as 5 days/week. My mother is in the dementia program and we were surprised at how well she did since she is very introverted. Your mother may be extremely bored and frustrated. She has no freedom and you're the closest target to take it out on.

Schedule appointments to visit a few of these programs with your mom. She will probably be mad that you're doing this but stick to your guns and don't react to her protests. It's necessary for both of you for a better life balance. The quality of these programs vary and some can be pretty depressing so don't give up. We found a really good one. The folks do arts and crafts, sing, play games, have lunch and there's a place to rest if they become exhausted. My mom tends to sleep a lot when home but when she's there, the staff says she does fine.

If your mom is on medicaid, I believe it's covered. We need to pay because my mom's income is too high but it's well worth it. You do not have to live this way. These programs are there to help the patient AND caregiver.
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My mother, 83, mild to moderate dementia with pulmonary fibrosis, is the same with me since I am her guardian. She is not as mean with my sister who also helps care for her. She was prescribed Ativan for anxiety three times a day and is much better. I know it is he'll giving up your life and feeling unappreciated. My mother does tell me now how much I mean to her. - now that her emotions are under control. She sees a psychiatrist and has a visiting nurse.
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