Dealing with a sibling regarding my mothers dementia.

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Mom was diagnosed with dementia and is in a nursing home waiting to be put in their dementia unit. One of my siblings is totally against it. How do we cope with the sibling?

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I understand your pain. I am currently in the same position. Mom is in rehab right now but I am seeking nursing home care for her. The only thing I can do is see that she goes to the best care facility she can afford and visit often enough to see she is getting good care. Your sibling wants someone to blame about her Mom's condition and, unfortunately, that is you. I have six brothers and sisters and they spend more time fighting and blaming me than helping. I would gladly turn her care over to them if they would take it. Hang in there. My prayers are with you.
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I can relate to you as far as the sibling being against your decision, although my situation is different, cause I've cared for my mom for 6 yrs. she has dementia. my oldest sister wanted her in a nursing home. I've been certified in home health care for 15 yrs. I moved her in with me, so since I had been caring for her part time with my agency, when the doctor decided she needed 24hr care, the agency gave her to me permanently as my one and only client. which really teed my sister off. the other 2 siblings were all for me taking care of our mom, and getting paid. I don't know what state you are in, but all states should have the program AREA AGENCY ON THE AGED. it's a program that will send a home health aid into your home for how ever many hours she qualify for. if you want to keep her in your home you can contact them. her medicare pays for it. I feel you when you say you get sick to your stomach, cause I would too if I couldn't care for my mom. she's 96, and I want to make her comfortable at this time of her life.
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mistermet - please don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you have been her caregiver for quite a while and are much more aware of your mom's health and needs than your siblings. If this sibling is totally against putting her in a NH, then let your mom go live with her and she can become her caregiver. It won't take but a couple of weeks (if that long) before this sibling changes their mind. It's easy to criticize when they're on the outside looking in and not the one having to deal with it. I had siblings doing this to me and my husband while caring for my mother-in-law who eventually developed Dementia. They didn't want to help, but wanted things done differently. We finally had to tell them that unless they were willing to help with her care, then we will care for her how we feel best. Needless to say, they backed off. You're going to have to toughen up and realize that you are doing right thing and what you think is best for your mom and that's all you can do. Caregiving is extremely hard by itself - much less adding criticism and Dementia. It might be best if you consult an elder attorney and get Medical Power of Attorney on your mom so these siblings cannot reek havoc on your caretaking and that way the nursing home will only have to follow your instructions for her care. Good luck!!
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What does the sibling who is totally against it think is a better solution?

Frankly, I'm totally and completely against dementia, but that doesn't seem to stop it from happening.

I'm totally against persons with dementia reaching a point where they cannot safely be cared for at home. But being against it doesn't stop it from happening.

So, when dementia happens, and when it progresses to a point where at-home care is not feasible, what does you sibling favor as a good alternative? Thousands of caregivers would love to have that answer!
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Also while I am talking about it between how my sibling feels and having my mom in a nursing home I am feeling a tremendous amout of guilt. In 2008 she suffered a stroke she came home (she lives with my wife and I) and we took care of her In 2010 she fell and broke her hip, she rehabbed and came home and we took care of her but with dementia the doctors say it will never get better and the cost for 24/7 home health care is something we or my other siblings can not afford. The guilt eats me up inside and my stomach does flip flops. Some days are ok and I know I am doing the rigfht thing but other days (like right now) my stomach is in knots. Any suggestions? Thanks!
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