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To introduce my situation my mother had Alzheimer's and dad has dementia. I'm an only child. Mom had been in a nursing home about two and a half years. Dad was having some problems too- I should have seen more but they live three states away. (I had been begging them to move or years) Dad went into the nursing home 11 months ago after two traumatic events in about two weeks. He was outside passed out in 100 degree heat for about 2 hours and didn't even see the doctor about it. The next week he crashed his truck- head injury and stitches plus other stuff. We found when we got there for the accident he had lost a lot of weight (50 pounds) We also threw out two and a half big trash bags of expired food, he hadn't been bathing right etc. He has improved physically but still is unsteady. His mental state though is very concerning. He has had hallucinations, actually slapped mom once. (there were three witnesses at the nursing home but he denies it-) He has NEVER done anything like that. He is also pretty belligerent over the phone and has griped out his doctor and threatened to fire him... many different other incidences that I can relate. He endlessly repeats himself on the phone and tries to put me on a guilt trip that he's still in there despite the fact that everyone tells me he needs the help.
I am almost up to the deadline where I have to put his house on the market because of Medicaid rules. I need some ideas in how I need to deal with the subject with him. We are going to have to deal with ALL the stuff in the house. Major hoarding, although organized- for example probably about 5000 videotapes....What a nightmare. I really need to move him and mom here but every time I have approached the subject he has YELLED and categorically refused. He just wants to go back to the house and he would have no means of transportation and seeing Mom except the neighbor that he is already driving crazy. Not to mention the fact that he wouldn't properly care for himself!
Any thoughts about dealing with telling him on the house and moving them. It would be about a 12-14 hour drive- airports are over an hour away on both ends so not sure how much that would help. In his present state I wouldn't want to go through TSA at the airport with him either. Mom I think would go along. Either way I'm sure would involve yelling.
Thanks so much
Jim

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Taking over the care of your parents can be an exhausting mind boggling thing.
My dad had some dimentia and/or alzhiemers. Sometimes he would yell at my mom and act out too. He finally did end up in a nursing home because of a heart attack. Mom could no longer care for him in that health condition. There they got him on some medication and that helped him be calmer.
Getting a power of attorney and a health care proxy signed by both my parents allowed me to help them in ways I could not have before. Sometimes the best decisions for them is not what they want but what they need. It is not easy for the care giver. Especially if you are the only one.
Sadly only 6 months after my dad passed away, my mom had a severe stroke.
She is now in an assisted living facility and I am so greatful that we did all the groundwork before hand with the poa and health care proxy. I was able to help her right away. I am in the process of moving my mom and me to another state and am having sleepless nights wondering if I am doing the right thing. We will be moving back to our home area. With this move my mom will be living with me.
I find the task of getting new medicaid information in the new state a daunting task.
So much information, but so much in legal language that is understood only by those who write it. I am burned out.
I do have siblings, but they are not close by. I do have discussions by phone with them, but ultimately they leave the decisions to me. I don't have any doubt that the move will be a positive one for mom, its just all the financials I worry about.
Why does it seem that caring for our parents is more difficult that raising our kids?
(or have we forgotten the ups and downs of that to?)
It sounds like you are on the right track with your thoughts of moving them. Your peace of mind where their care is concerned is most important. Having them closer does not mean less work or time spent on them. It means more. But you know they will be better off in the long run.
Good luck to you.
Have the strength to do the thing that is right for them and you will weather any storm your dad can bring.
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I agree with EGLord. The only reason to tell him your plans would be to give him a role in the decision making. He's unable to make decisions, so hearing the details of the plans would only further frustrate and anger him.
As you pointed out, it could be a logistical nightmare to move your parents closer to you in their present state. As cmg313 says, that ship has sailed. They chose their current situation by not planning years ago. This is something I have to keep reminding myself of in my own situation with my parent.
Arranging for a trusted friend or family member who lives nearby to oversee their care is a great idea. If there isn't one and if there are funds for it (and you may be able to some of the proceeds of the house this way), you could also choose to hire a geriatric care manager. They can be your representative with your parent's caregivers.
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I can empathize: on a similar course with mine and live 1800 miles away. You sound like a caring son but all you can do is the best you can do. They made choices (or did not make decisions) and now there are consequences. Do things for you and do not let their situation control your time totally. Try to "love w detachment" (if you had a good relationship prior; that takes time and patience...The medical, legal, VA (if he was military), is non ending and I set an hour or 2 a day, if I can even do that, to do their paperwork, bills, e mail or call on their behalf, etc. It can be really depressing so stay positive and remember to take care of YOU! Also consider paying someone (is there anyone you trust still there?) as a substitute for you. My SIL(Not related to them) is helping us with this now; just dealing w the daily details and I she is a "face" at asst living so my mom is not alone and asst living sees there is someone from the "family" on a regular basis.

Hope this helps and good luck.
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