I'm feeling more and more resentful these days and I'm coming across as bitter. There are days when the anger just seeps from inside, until it reveals it's ugly green head to the world. I don't mean to be like this and I'm ashamed of my own self at times. I think there are two factors that are my driving force: fear and stress.
I'm fearful of the future. I've taken care of my parents forever and a day. I've always been told that the house would be mine someday, but if I was to marry, then I had to divide it with my brothers (so long as I was married). When I was younger, I never thought much about it. I took care of them and they were well enough to do somethings on their own. I married when I was 38, it didn't work out. I divorced by age 42. Moving back to the family home, I took over where I left off. Come to think of it, my job taking care of my parents never really ended. Even when I was married and living in a different town, I stopped in everyday. Now back at it full time, the health has declined greatly. I work very little outside of the home, as she has cancer. I try to take care of the inside, outside, medication, doctor appointments, ER trips and hospital stays for both. I have no help from my two surviving brothers. I've also been told that I can no longer live in the house after they are gone. In their words, "you have two brothers that deserve their share." Enter fear. What will I do, where will I go and how will I survive. I have a small savings, but nothing to brag about. One trip to the hospital for me and it's over. This new fear adds stress and it manifest itself into anger.
I'm angry that the boys do nothing, while I do it all. I'm angry that my parents told me something and went back on their word. I'm angry that in the end (my words), "the little cockroaches" will show up and get their third of the pie for basically nothing. They live their life, enjoy themselves and are care free. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I can help them stay in their home. I'm grateful that they gave me a place to live all this time. However, did I forget to tell you...I'm angry!
This anger comes out at inappropriate times and it also comes out at innocent parties. Anger has away of doing that you know? It's out of control. I lash out at my parents, when I should be providing them comfort. I have a boyfriend and I lash out at him. He tells me I have a job to do and that I can't get married right now, b/c I have to take care of them. This makes me angry. It's true, but it makes me angry. So angry, that it puts stress on the relationship and if there was any hope of marriage in the future, I'm doing a damn good job at destroying that chance. Thus, the mailman is going to walk past my little apt. (if I'm lucky), or corner of the sidewalk someday and ask himself..."what's that smell'? You know what it will be? Me, myself and I. Alone, dead; discovered by the mailman. Yep, that's right, I'm being negative. Negativity is a stepchild of fear and stress.
How do I overcome this? I'm relatively nice. I take care of my aging parents, bake cookies for the older folks and kids in the neighborhood. I'm not the best Christian, but I believe in God. I was a mild mannered, happy youth. However, nowadays, I'm turning into a bitter old hag myself. Don't like it and need to change. How? How do I find one little piece of the person I use to be, when all I want to do is rip my brothers heads off and run far away. No one ever solved any problems with anger. Anger begets anger. Anger, leaves you with no friends in time. I don't want my last memory of my parents to be a harsh word spoken.