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Before allowing a hospital and hospice to discharge your parent back home with their spouse, please refuse until the following are in place because hospice usually will not get things in place until after patient is home for 24 hours (eg, late afternoon next day). Find out if hospital has had them under medication to keep them from being combative and/or make them cooperative, do not bring parent home until hired help will be on deck 24x7 effective when sent home Pride is a sin -because it causes hardship and anguish for those around you not yourself and erodes living family relationships and entrapped families to confines of the home. We are ole fashion family, this means children respect parents and their privates. Dad had massive stroke in 99, he since repeatedly defies all by retaining walking and self potty. Will rehab after each hospital stay he regains it, each time losing more stable and self safety. They said everything we’d need be there, I asked diapers, wipes, etc and nurse or staff they said yes. They are a gift and I appreciate everything they are doing but it came late afternoon next day. I had to change my dad diapers and bed for those 24 hours and initially I thought this was going to be a loving family close shared cooperative decline, then the meds I was unaware he’d been on for days wore off. I dodged punches and kicks. Days later after finally getting 24x7 staff in place he still turns his face and covers side of face toward me declaring me disowned. I have to live rest of my life in shame that disrespected my father and can never visit or say goodbye because I don’t want him departing this world upset and angry. I made it clear to everyone he would only accept a caregiver or nurse messing with his privates, I was assured not to worry. The result is a broken family, a man departing this world feeling disrespected (can’t think of right word), a daughter that will for life replay in her head around clock play the video of being shunned and disappointing their father after 60 years of being perfect and exceeding his success criteria. All erased over one night without having support. I don’t need replies, but my way of responding to a closed thread about changing parents diapers. If possible, get hired help in before the situation arises.

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Good grief! You are a saint, and need to step back, take a breath and realize you HAVE NOT FAILED. If your family chooses to act this way, step back from them also. Let a little time go by and you father either will or will not speak to you on his own time. I do hope he will, but if not, you must understand this is his choice. I think you appear to have done so much, but it still is never enough is it? A lifetime is never enough. I totally understand this dynamic, believe me. Take care of you.
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I understand about “ old fashioned “ family....however, what were you supposed to do, let him lie in urine/feces for 24 hours or more?? Please do not feel guilt, perhaps you should seek counseling to help you overcome the guilt feelings and learn coping strategies to deal with the family issues. You did the necessary and right thing out of love and respect for your dad. During one of my dads hospitalizations( he was on heart transplant waiting list) the meds he was own made him shake uncontrollably and he couldn’t get to bathroom in time. He was so embarrassed but i cleaned him up and told him not to worry, how many times did he wipe my butt when i was a baby? Probably none but that was beside the point...lol. We do what we have to and you should not let any one make you feel bad about doing what was necessary and needed. Hugs to you....please talk to a counselor or pastor, you have no reason to feel guilty....
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I wouldn't let their mindset affect yours, you did what you had to do. If a family doesn't progress to the 21st century then there is nothing you can do,

You don't need to feel bad, it is their issues not yours.

I am sorry that this has upset you so badly, maybe therapy would be helpful to you.
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The other thing I should mention, consult with hospice about meds that will ease your dad's agitation and "upset-edness". I'm hoping that all will be well in the end.

My dear, this is SO not your fault. Please don't beat yourself up!
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I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I'm assuming that this is your first rodeo of having a parent discharged back home and being promised all sorts of stuff that is supposedly going to appear magically. Most of us here have done this at least one and fallen for the "oh, well get you all the help you need".

We have 'learned to say "no, I cant possibly do that" and insisted on deliveries and things set up BEFORE the patient arrives. Or simply keeping the parent in care as an LTC patient.

Your father is being unreasonable. (Whether due to dementia or what) but he is making an unfair assignment of culpability. The AGENCY is at fault, not you.

No human is perfect. You are doing the best you can, which is all that can be asked of you.

Please forgive yourself, and your father for his mental frailties.

((((Hugs))))))
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All I can say is I’m so sorry. Please get counseling for yourself so you don’t have to suffer in silence for the rest of your life.
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