Just came from Dad's. He was angry at me I guess because I am out of sympathy for his attitude, falls and problems.


He had just fallen when rolling "walker slipped out from under him." Not sure if he was sitting on it (as he has been doing to get around his condo) or walking behind it trying to get to the bathroom. He wet himself, but was able to get himself into lazyboy because I can't help him anymore as I strained my back trying to get him up a month ago. I walk in with groceries for him and he yells for me to "gimme my slipper!" After I put milk in frig, I get his slipper and he goes into bedroom to change wet clothes. I didn't gush sympathy because he has been told by physical therapist(whom he no longer sees) to not use rollator walker in house and to wear shoes not slippers by his home healthcare nurse (1x week) and home health companion (4hrs 1x week) and me, but whatever I say doesn't count. Yells at me when I get near bdrm door because he has no pants on. Then yells at me because I forgot to put his mirtazipine in his pill keeper for a few days. I asked him if that was why he was so grumpy. Boy, did that make him mad! Then he told me twice that the nurse said looks like he is losing weight. I asked if he wanted me to make him scrambled eggs for lunch. NO. Oh well. I just bought him a wheelchair and would like to walk him outside. NO. (He hasn't seen the sun for 3 -4 weeks). He is obviously cognizant enough to know his mirtazipine was missing, he is cognizant enough to know he should eat, not scuff around in too big slippers (I have tried to buy new ones....), to exercise with pt, to drink water instead of iced tea all day....I could go on and on. Maybe I am writing now, just to get some validation and try not to feel so guilty. (I think Guilt is my middle name.) He won't go to assisted livng, has no friends (cancelled long distance on phone) so can't even call the one person who calls him occasionally. Does nothing except watch CNN and baseball. I call 2-3x a day and usually stop by 5-6x week. You all have tried to help me before with answers. I'm sorry for blabbering. My dad problems are nowhere near what some of you face daily. He is still living in a condo nearby although he would probably move in with me at some point. Just don't know if I can handle it.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing


I love you guys! Thank you. This was such a nice way to begin my morning by reading supportive comments from forum friends. Let's see what today brings.

Does your dad have early stage dementia?

Dad got good and mad at you today. Not pleasant. But it sounds like you survived it. Would it help to remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to prevent Dad from ever getting mad?

I think if I fell down, wet myself, and felt I couldn't go change until I got something on my feet, I'd be pretty mad, too. Especially if I suspected the fall was my own darn fault. Grrrrrr. Now I like to think I am a reasonable adult who would not take this anger out on the first person who came into my path ... but no promises if particularly stressed. And if I were beginning dementia? Absolutely no promises about any of my behavior.

You came for validation. You've got mine. You are doing all you can and more than you should be expected to do, and Dad taking his anger out on you is certainly Not Fair, and Not Your Fault. If you can't drop the guilt feelings, try very hard to push them to the back of your mind and ignore them.

And I echo Jessie's comment. Don't let him move in with you!!

cj, whatever you do, don't let him move in with you. Life as you know it would soon evaporate. There are too many other options for your father. Since he is modest with you, it might not be practical, anyway. He would probably need help with toileting and bathing since he is mobility impaired. I have the feeling that wouldn't be a good situation for either of you.

I have the feeling that your father is frustrated with himself and taking it out on you. I love how you asked him if the mirtazapine thing had made him grumpy. That was a nice way to call him on his behavior.

What is it about old folks and slippers. My mother is the same way. She can barely walk sometimes, but she still wears these sloppy slippers. I know they can't be comfortable to walk in. I wish we could get them in decent shoes that gave their feet some support. My father wouldn't leave his bed in the morning without putting on his tennis shoes. He needed them to walk, since he had problems. It was a very good idea for people like your father and my mother with their sloppy slippers.

Does Dad have some dementia or is he just a mean, demanding old pr....k? If the latter, do you have to take this crap from him? Give it back to him in spades. Let him sit in his pee pee pants. If he's of sound mind and treats you like this you need to have a serious "Come To Jesus Talk" with him like right now.

cjbailey, I was always frustrated with my parents and how they continue to live in their large home by themselves with no one their age to talk to. It wasn't until a therapist told me "it is your parents decision to live in their house, thus they need to take on the responsibilities that come along with that decision."

That therapist was so right. Any time my Dad started to complain how bored he was, I would say "if only you and Mom would have moved to Ashby Ponds [retirement village]"..... or that he needed to go to the bank but I didn't have time in my schedule at that very moment, again I would mention Ashby Ponds as it had a bank branch, also a barber shop, medical office with two doctors, indoor swimming pool, woodworking center, nice grounds to walk, transportation to grocery stores, etc.

I use to feel guilty that I wasn't running to the grocery store every other day for Mom. That is what she and Dad use to do, except it was almost every day.... I just couldn't do it, I didn't like wasting gasoline that much, would schedule one-stop shopping once a week. That guilt is slowly disappearing as the years go on.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.