My dad came to live with us (myself, my husband & 23 yr old son) 5 months ago, after my mom passed away. He is 84 and in mid to late stage of AD. The last 6 weeks or so, my dad slips into a delusion in which he thinks I am his wife. This usually happens in the evening, during his Sundowning period. Try as we might, we cannot get him to understand that I am his daughter. He thinks this is "our" home and that my husband and son are visitors. Usually around 9pm, he starts trying to kick them out. He gets very agitated when we try to explain that we all live here. He accuses me of taking in boarders without asking him first. When I've tried to explain who we all are, he will sometimes think that my husband is my first husband but I have divorced him and am now with married to him. He can't understand why I would welcome my ex into our home. He gets mad at me when I won't go to bed with him or gets up several times to see why I haven't come to bed yet. We have even had a few nights where he actually cries because he thinks I am either mad at him or sleeping with another man. My husband has been a good sport about this, sometimes sitting out in the garage until after Dad has fallen asleep. But it is now cold out and I don't expect my husband to give up his home in order to keep Dad calm. My son has also been very good to his grandpa, but it is hurtful when he says mean things to them and acts as though he has never seen them in his life. They understand that this is the illness, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them. I am no longer bothered by the fact that Dad doesn't recognize me. I can accept that he doesn't know I'm his daughter. And if he thought I were a nurse or his sister or mother, I could play along. But we are at a loss as to how to handle this. We cannot live in his reality and play into this storyline! This is definitely not one of the things that any of us anticipated having to deal with. Has anyone else had this problem? Any suggestions for us?
Also, my husband is spending more time in the house with us, but I actually think he likes being out in his "man-cave" and sometimes my dad is just an excuse for him to go out there! He is a guy that like's his space. It's heated and has cable tv, so it's not like he's sitting out in the dark in a tool shed!
Reserve, doesn't it make you so proud of your son to see his compassionate side? And it is just wonderful that his gf is helping too! My son also has a gf that is very kind to grandpa. The other day I was at work and my son was with my dad. When it was lunch time, my dad was reluctant to go to the kitchen because he wasn't sure who my son was. His gf came over and asked my dad to join her for lunch and he got up and went right to the table. (He is much more comfortable with women!) She sat and had lunch with him and put him at ease. It made me smile.... Compassion is a quality that seems to be on the decline in our society and it makes me happy to know my son is with someone that possesses it!
Your husband and son have to live there too, and it sounds like that would be hard for anyone to take. You have to live there, and it sounds like too much for you to take!
Despite difficulties in doing so, it may be time to have dad put into a nursing home...
If you choose not to do that, or if you simply cannot do it, you may want to try this ruse..."Yes, we used to be married but you divorced me two years ago and so I now have a new husband." (I expect I will receive brickbats for saying that, but I only am "saying" not really giving advice...sort of any port in a storm type thing.)
I empathize with you.
Jet200, I think you would be doing the right thing by trying to get the appropriate level of care that each of them needs. It may be very difficult for them at first but it will be even more difficult for your dad to heal properly and get the rest he needs while coping with the constant stress of your mom's confusion.
I lived about 100 miles from my parents before my mom passed and dad came to live with us. The last year of my mom's life, she was plagued with chronic health problems that I now realize were undoubtedly made worse by the stress she was under with my dad. I visited 3-5 times per month and they were still able to hide a lot of it from me. It wasn't until she was gone that I realized how hard it must of been on her.
I wish the best for your parents and for you!