I’m 46, happily married for 20 yrs, & have a wonderful 17 yr old daughter. I’ve been very ill myself w/ thyroid/auto-immune diseases for past 7 yrs. I moved into my parents house the month before dad passed to help care for him, assist my mom, caregivers, & hospice. It was a horrible death, he passed in my arms. My mom was unrecognizable/cold to me when he was ill, & after he passed. During the funeral I tried to hold her hand, put my arm around her. She completely pushed me away, told me to get away from her b/c I was too sweaty. The sweat was caused by Graves Disease & I had no control over it. I still managed to give a lovely eulogy. I have horrible nightmares/ptsd. I have an older sister who has never been close to our parents, moved away from them yrs ago, & was nice when she needed money. She always talked badly about them. Prior to my pregnancy, my husband & I physically moved so we could be close to my parents. We knew as my parents aged, they would need help/support. My husband & I wanted to be part of their lives. We gave up ALOT to be near them, but it was ok b/c in our minds, nothing was more important than family. And, it was good for them & our daughter to have a close bond.
Over the past year, I have been hospitalized for a total of 73 days due to Thyroid disease/related complications. Thus, moving in w/ them while I so ill was incredibly difficult, but I hid it well & I would not have had it any other way. Taking my dad to radiation, walking w/ him, comforting/caring for him was an honor. It may sound strange given the fact we knew he was dying, but doing those things gave me joy & warmed my heart.
My mom & I have always maintained a loving, close relationship. But, during the last 6 months of my dad’s life, she turned into a virtual stranger. She’s a retired Registered Nurse who was experiencing caregiver burnout. My husband & I helped her get caregivers into the home & other additional benefits through the VA, as my dad was a Veteran. We wanted my mom to enjoy him as her husband in the last months of his life. And at age 77, she was unable to physically care for him w/ just me. The relationship I had w/ my mom changed so much, especially during the last month of dad’s life. I found out she wasn’t following doctors orders. She was severely under medicating him by not giving him his prescription narcotic meds. When cancer spreads to most of the bones, it’s excruciatingly painful. My dad was a Vet & a Law Enforcement Officer, always the tough guy. He was never one to complain & the only time I ever saw him cry was at my wedding due to joy, & during the last month of his life, from pain. He gave me notes & left msgs on my voicemail telling me how much pain he was in. He also told me that my mom wasn’t giving him medication for pain. He was bedridden & unable to medicate himself. I finally confronted my mom, & she told me to mind my business & she made the decisions, she was his conservator. She took his cell phone away after she found out he was sending me msgs.
All meds had to be logged when given. One very bad day, I was going to give my dad his meds. I asked my mom about it b/c I couldn’t find them. She purchased an indoor safe & I found it. Inside were pill bottles & log sheet. I confronted her about the fact she was withholding meds, etc. She became very nasty, held the key to the safe to my face. She told me there was only one key, & I would never have access to it. I knew she loved my dad very much, but other than withholding meds, I caught her doing some really mean & unethical things to him when she thought she was alone. I ended up reporting her to Hospice. Going to Court wasn’t an option b/c he was so close to passing.
After dad passed, I was admitted to hospital for 8 days, Thyroid removed & I was diagnosed w/ Cancer. I told my mom, sister, other family. Haven’t heard from anyone. Mom blames me for everything & they all think I’m lying. I’m beyond distraught & now mom & sister are inseparable.