Dad moved in, husband moved out.

Follow
Share

Dad is 83, after a year of caring for him from a distance, at his request, I moved him from his Indiana home to Texas. He has alzheimer, not advanced, but he can't be alone or drive. Moderate probably. His Indiana caregiver moved with him! Saint. I put him in a facility for 3 days and it did not work out. Moved him and the caregiver then in with me to figure out what to do and my husband of only 3.5 years moved out same day. . It has been a rocky contentious relationship for the last couple of exhausting years. He has never cared for anyone needy and has no tolerance for it. Dad is wealthy so I can afford full time caregiving for him.
I have very mixed emotions about husband. But as picky as he his about everything being in its perfect place it is probably better he is not here.

Dad forgot that he begged me to move him, that he put a for sale sign on his place,, that he was wheeling and dealing the sale of his place and all his stuff, that he told everyone he knew he was leaving forever, and now he thinks I am holding him against his will. He plots his escape constantly. Flight risk squared.

I live in the country. I have dogs. I also own my own business. Part of me would like to move with him back to Indiana, but my business locks me here for now. Things were getting out of control in Indiana, and my only sibling who lives there does not help at all. My phone rung constantly one crisis after another. People were stealing from him. Nuts.

Part of me says keep him here as long as I can until the Alzheimer's gets too bad then move him to a facility. I will not move him to a facility I can not supervise. Of course that means certain divorce. Going through that at the same time as moving dad in and a caregiver my just do me in. I am a strong God loving person, but it has been real hard to get out of bed. I am 55. I need advise. This forum has helped. God love caregivers!

God must love caregivers.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
38

Comments

Show:
1 2 3 4
Hi Sweetnoodlesue, so much good advice on this forum. So, I just want to add my two-cents.... for what it is worth. Your husband was looking for an excuse....any excuse to bail on you (since the marriage was rocky). It seems, his plan was to find a wife to take care of him and his needs in his "old age." Happily give him a divorce and celebrate!. You deserve better and you know it! I, too, am in my 50's and single. My plan is not to ever marry again. I could potentially have a boyfriend....but he will have his home and I will have mine. Actually, when you marry later in life things get so complicated (especially where finances are concerned). And, as you have experienced....some men are just not worth the stress and aggravation since they are totally set in their ways. Best of luck.
(4)
Report

Hi again. When our parents get to this point, sometimes it's hard to say "no" you can't do that, because after all they are our parents and in their mind they always know more than you, as you will always be the child.
But there is that point when the rolls reverse and you just have to take charge.
I know it's hard, especially with Daddy. You just have to be firm.
It will get better. Maybe not great, but if you have help, it will get easier.
I wish you luck.
(2)
Report

I agree that's it's better that your husband isn't there. He's proven that he didn't buy into the vows, "Til death do us part". If you let him back in, it would be temporary because he'd bail the first time something else got messy.

Since your father has the means, put him in a nice, upscale care facility close to a place that you want a permanent home.
(3)
Report

I can simpathize with you.My Husband and I moved to be closer to my parents to care for them as my mother was terminal.After she died my father expected me to be there every day for him.He is a diabetic and early stages or dementia and can do most things for himself but tries to put a wedge between me and my husband by being demanding on my time and accusing those around me of being insensitive to his needs, but as much as I love mt dad I have a loving husband and seven children that need me as well.
The truth is that dad will become more of a handfull as time goes by and if I dont look after my family, when dad goes I will be left on my own.
The geriatic Psyc. I have consulted said best way would be to find a facility that caters for progressive ageing.That is an retirement village that when dad can no longer function safely on his own can go to a hostel or high/low care aged care secure facilty.The hard part is getting dad to have a look.
Best of luck!
(1)
Report

Okay, your husband showed his colors -- "in good times and in bad", "sickness and health", etc. Right? I think you need to move in a caregiver and see if you feel you can trust them, then take some breaks and try to find a better partner. You are only 55, there is still time for you. I am lucky, I am 64 caring for my 88 year old mom, but my 63 year old husband of 16 years is a total angel.
(5)
Report

Without knowing anything about the circumstances of your relationship with your husband, I can offer this: If 'everything in its place' is more important than your well-being, you are better off without him. He clearly values orderliness more than he values you.
(4)
Report

Caregiving is hard under the best circumstances... I think you have to do what you feel is right in your heart... If your husband does not understand, he needs to get over himself. I have cared for my Grandfather, my Grandmother and my Dad... My husband has always been kind helpful and supportive! If you can afford some respite care, and help for him at home, I would encourage you to keep him home. take care, and God Bless!
(0)
Report

Bless all of you who responded my post. So very many of you have helped me and given me advise I can use immediately. I feel for the situations many of you are in, God give you strength. My situation could be so much worse.

Yes blessing in disguise is what my husbands moving has turned out to be. Even with my crazy father here, my life is more calm and predictable then it was with the angry all the time walk on egg shells verbally abusive husband. My father is a narcissist, I realize now he always always was, and I have come up with a plan. He wants to go back to Indiana, thinks he is fine, thinks he can drive, run his own life..etc. (although tonight he thought we were in Michigan not Texas and when we got to my house he asked me where we were. He has been here a month. ). So here is the plan; I am soon taking him to the ER to have him psychologically evaluated, impatient, they said they would keep him from 2-4 weeks. He wants to go so he can clear his record of the misdiagnosis from all the other incompetitent doctors. He believes that they will give him the green light so he can get his drivers license in Texas, and drive back by himself it Indiana. Hope there is space on the milk carton. Joke. Perhaps they will Get his meds adjusted right. During that inpatient time I am going to set him up a room in independent or assisted living. Probably assisted. I have taken him to this wonderful facility several times, and they have tried so hard to reach out to him, and he glares at the "old people" and makes nasty comments about them. He thinks he is still a young stud. Wants to bar hop every night and pick up babes. Will not use a walker and snears at those who do. He needs a walker, roll actor and I bought him one today. Going through this month with him has been necessary for me to get a handle on the reality of who he has become. . Thanks to the person who said do not react to every crisis. Every day there are several, and I had to learn not to react to what comes out of his mouth. I will still treat dad like royalty, but he must learn that he is old and respect others his age.

Everyone was right that I did not give the facility enough time, however, it was me who was not ready. I needed time to care for him daily myself, to understand that I couldn't long term, and get my head wrapped around reality.

Again thanks for all your posts, insights and prayers. Love this forum.
(2)
Report

I agree to your choice of moving your dad to be near you. Other posts say, and it is true, that it takes more than 3 days to adjust to a care facility, well, it takes more than whatever amount of time has now gone by since the move for you to adjust to all the new circumstances with your dad being there. Be kind to yourself and allow for a slow learning curve as you navigate this new endeavor of love for your dad. As to your husband: he is a narcissist, he will never be there for you when you need him! I am married to one now for 39 years and you are blessed that yours left when he did as I am now my narcissistic husbands caretaker and it is a living hell. When I had cancer a number of years ago, it was also a living hell because he was so verbally and emotionally abusive to me and I was too sick and scared to do anything about it! Now he expects me to wait on him hand and foot and complains when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it...Do not stay married to someone who has no empathy, they will destroy the loving person you obviously are. And if you ever date or think of getting married again, read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" first so you are not attracted to the same kind of man. Off topic but important IMO.
(2)
Report

Sounds like if you got sick, he would leave too, who needs that? Would he not want you to take care of him if he were sick? Marraige is a give and take and understanding. I've been married over 37 years and Mom lives with us, my husband helps me at night when he gets home, he understands, thank God. Marraige is for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Think long and hard about this husband who left, maybe he was looking for a way out, but to walk out? I feel so bad for you but I do agree you are doing the right thing, bless you!
(3)
Report

1 2 3 4
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions