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Dad is 83, after a year of caring for him from a distance, at his request, I moved him from his Indiana home to Texas. He has alzheimer, not advanced, but he can't be alone or drive. Moderate probably. His Indiana caregiver moved with him! Saint. I put him in a facility for 3 days and it did not work out. Moved him and the caregiver then in with me to figure out what to do and my husband of only 3.5 years moved out same day. . It has been a rocky contentious relationship for the last couple of exhausting years. He has never cared for anyone needy and has no tolerance for it. Dad is wealthy so I can afford full time caregiving for him.
I have very mixed emotions about husband. But as picky as he his about everything being in its perfect place it is probably better he is not here.

Dad forgot that he begged me to move him, that he put a for sale sign on his place,, that he was wheeling and dealing the sale of his place and all his stuff, that he told everyone he knew he was leaving forever, and now he thinks I am holding him against his will. He plots his escape constantly. Flight risk squared.

I live in the country. I have dogs. I also own my own business. Part of me would like to move with him back to Indiana, but my business locks me here for now. Things were getting out of control in Indiana, and my only sibling who lives there does not help at all. My phone rung constantly one crisis after another. People were stealing from him. Nuts.

Part of me says keep him here as long as I can until the Alzheimer's gets too bad then move him to a facility. I will not move him to a facility I can not supervise. Of course that means certain divorce. Going through that at the same time as moving dad in and a caregiver my just do me in. I am a strong God loving person, but it has been real hard to get out of bed. I am 55. I need advise. This forum has helped. God love caregivers!

God must love caregivers.

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Hi Sweetnoodlesue, so much good advice on this forum. So, I just want to add my two-cents.... for what it is worth. Your husband was looking for an excuse....any excuse to bail on you (since the marriage was rocky). It seems, his plan was to find a wife to take care of him and his needs in his "old age." Happily give him a divorce and celebrate!. You deserve better and you know it! I, too, am in my 50's and single. My plan is not to ever marry again. I could potentially have a boyfriend....but he will have his home and I will have mine. Actually, when you marry later in life things get so complicated (especially where finances are concerned). And, as you have experienced....some men are just not worth the stress and aggravation since they are totally set in their ways. Best of luck.
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Hi again. When our parents get to this point, sometimes it's hard to say "no" you can't do that, because after all they are our parents and in their mind they always know more than you, as you will always be the child.
But there is that point when the rolls reverse and you just have to take charge.
I know it's hard, especially with Daddy. You just have to be firm.
It will get better. Maybe not great, but if you have help, it will get easier.
I wish you luck.
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I agree that's it's better that your husband isn't there. He's proven that he didn't buy into the vows, "Til death do us part". If you let him back in, it would be temporary because he'd bail the first time something else got messy.

Since your father has the means, put him in a nice, upscale care facility close to a place that you want a permanent home.
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I can simpathize with you.My Husband and I moved to be closer to my parents to care for them as my mother was terminal.After she died my father expected me to be there every day for him.He is a diabetic and early stages or dementia and can do most things for himself but tries to put a wedge between me and my husband by being demanding on my time and accusing those around me of being insensitive to his needs, but as much as I love mt dad I have a loving husband and seven children that need me as well.
The truth is that dad will become more of a handfull as time goes by and if I dont look after my family, when dad goes I will be left on my own.
The geriatic Psyc. I have consulted said best way would be to find a facility that caters for progressive ageing.That is an retirement village that when dad can no longer function safely on his own can go to a hostel or high/low care aged care secure facilty.The hard part is getting dad to have a look.
Best of luck!
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Okay, your husband showed his colors -- "in good times and in bad", "sickness and health", etc. Right? I think you need to move in a caregiver and see if you feel you can trust them, then take some breaks and try to find a better partner. You are only 55, there is still time for you. I am lucky, I am 64 caring for my 88 year old mom, but my 63 year old husband of 16 years is a total angel.
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Without knowing anything about the circumstances of your relationship with your husband, I can offer this: If 'everything in its place' is more important than your well-being, you are better off without him. He clearly values orderliness more than he values you.
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Caregiving is hard under the best circumstances... I think you have to do what you feel is right in your heart... If your husband does not understand, he needs to get over himself. I have cared for my Grandfather, my Grandmother and my Dad... My husband has always been kind helpful and supportive! If you can afford some respite care, and help for him at home, I would encourage you to keep him home. take care, and God Bless!
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Bless all of you who responded my post. So very many of you have helped me and given me advise I can use immediately. I feel for the situations many of you are in, God give you strength. My situation could be so much worse.

Yes blessing in disguise is what my husbands moving has turned out to be. Even with my crazy father here, my life is more calm and predictable then it was with the angry all the time walk on egg shells verbally abusive husband. My father is a narcissist, I realize now he always always was, and I have come up with a plan. He wants to go back to Indiana, thinks he is fine, thinks he can drive, run his own life..etc. (although tonight he thought we were in Michigan not Texas and when we got to my house he asked me where we were. He has been here a month. ). So here is the plan; I am soon taking him to the ER to have him psychologically evaluated, impatient, they said they would keep him from 2-4 weeks. He wants to go so he can clear his record of the misdiagnosis from all the other incompetitent doctors. He believes that they will give him the green light so he can get his drivers license in Texas, and drive back by himself it Indiana. Hope there is space on the milk carton. Joke. Perhaps they will Get his meds adjusted right. During that inpatient time I am going to set him up a room in independent or assisted living. Probably assisted. I have taken him to this wonderful facility several times, and they have tried so hard to reach out to him, and he glares at the "old people" and makes nasty comments about them. He thinks he is still a young stud. Wants to bar hop every night and pick up babes. Will not use a walker and snears at those who do. He needs a walker, roll actor and I bought him one today. Going through this month with him has been necessary for me to get a handle on the reality of who he has become. . Thanks to the person who said do not react to every crisis. Every day there are several, and I had to learn not to react to what comes out of his mouth. I will still treat dad like royalty, but he must learn that he is old and respect others his age.

Everyone was right that I did not give the facility enough time, however, it was me who was not ready. I needed time to care for him daily myself, to understand that I couldn't long term, and get my head wrapped around reality.

Again thanks for all your posts, insights and prayers. Love this forum.
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I agree to your choice of moving your dad to be near you. Other posts say, and it is true, that it takes more than 3 days to adjust to a care facility, well, it takes more than whatever amount of time has now gone by since the move for you to adjust to all the new circumstances with your dad being there. Be kind to yourself and allow for a slow learning curve as you navigate this new endeavor of love for your dad. As to your husband: he is a narcissist, he will never be there for you when you need him! I am married to one now for 39 years and you are blessed that yours left when he did as I am now my narcissistic husbands caretaker and it is a living hell. When I had cancer a number of years ago, it was also a living hell because he was so verbally and emotionally abusive to me and I was too sick and scared to do anything about it! Now he expects me to wait on him hand and foot and complains when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it...Do not stay married to someone who has no empathy, they will destroy the loving person you obviously are. And if you ever date or think of getting married again, read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" first so you are not attracted to the same kind of man. Off topic but important IMO.
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Sounds like if you got sick, he would leave too, who needs that? Would he not want you to take care of him if he were sick? Marraige is a give and take and understanding. I've been married over 37 years and Mom lives with us, my husband helps me at night when he gets home, he understands, thank God. Marraige is for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Think long and hard about this husband who left, maybe he was looking for a way out, but to walk out? I feel so bad for you but I do agree you are doing the right thing, bless you!
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I cared for dad in my home for 5 years. He has alcoholic dementia. He was very, very resistant to a nursing home. I have used respite care for a few weeks a year and he hated it. He fell in November and broke a hip. He had 3 months of rehab and didn't want to leave the nursing home. I just got back from visiting him and he is healthy and happy. The home has restored our relationship. We're back to father-son and we look forwardd to seeing each other.
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This man is not worth his salt if he would flee when you are in crisis .
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Hang in there, you ARE doing the right thing. Also make sure that you have your dad checked for a UTI (urinary tract infection) from time to time because they do tend to sneak up on the eldery and it can make them positively crazy and accentuate their dementia. (learned from experience)

As someone said above, men do come and go....your parents are "forever". My long term boyfriend of 13 years broke up with me on the phone when I had come home to look after my parents on yet another trip. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have since met a wonderful man with my same family values who adores my father, does everything he can to help and was beyond kind to my mother before she died (he would play her Johnny Cash on his i-phone to keep her calm when we were forever ending up in the emergency room, went with me to claim her body when she passed away in rehab, kissed her good-bye and as we walked out the door, he stopped and turned to her and said, "don't worry, I have your girl").

Do what you need to for your dad, make sure you speak with an eldercare attorney to make sure that you have all bases covered and think hard about whether your marriage is something that you REALLY want to save...or if maybe in all this heartache, finding out now that your husband walked out on you in a situation like this was the silver lining in this dark cloud. This could have been him walking out on YOU down the road if you needed him.

All my best wishes to you.
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The only reason my Mom's here is that she's not wealthy or even has enough. I see no reason for him to be in your house. Believe me, you'll be sorry he's there. He has someone to care for him. Let her/him. Unless you are happy that your husband is gone, I guess this was the catalyst you needed to get rid of him.
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If your dad is accusing you of holding him against his will, etc.etc., the behavior you describe does not sound like "moderate" alz -- more like advanced. I took care of my Alz mom for almost 13 years; she has recently passed away. I am single, but I could hardly take it myself; if I could have split, I would have! If she (or I) had had the means, which you say you have, to put her into assisted living or a nursing home, I would have done it in a New York minute. Since the caregiver came with him, and you have the means, maybe you could rent an apartment for the two of them close by. Many folks resist assisted living but come to like it. I have a friend in a similar situation--it was a big fight to get her mom into assisted living and she carried on for about six weeks. Now she loves it, and often when my friend goes to visit her, she is too busy with her new friends and all the activities to take the time to BE visited!! As for the husband, he does not sound like much of a prize, so maybe good riddance. Still, you should not have to sacrifice your marriage to your Alz father, especially since he has the financial means for alternative care.
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Your husband SHOULD be your priority, not your father in his old age. Unless, of course, your husband was an asshole, in which case I would say, let 'em leave. That's my quick take on your painful situation. And, of course, if your father was a 'father' to you as a child. Period.
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My thoughts are with you as well. Marriage: He moved out. It is only in crisis that you see what another person is made of its a test of their mettle. And, its ok for the facility fr a few days. Post surgery, I had to place my mom in such a place as i had had a complete melttown....it worked well. I was glad to have her home and she was glad to be back but she got the post surgical care she needed.
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You say dad has a caregiver that moved with him and your father is wealthy. In addition, when they moved in, your husband moved out. Wouldn't a compromise be to get a place close by where the caregiver and dad could live. It would be closer than what you were dealing with and you could easily stay involved with his care and supervision, but they would not be under foot.

I think your husband was saying...it's them or me. The suggestion I noted above might bring your husband back (if the two of you want to work it out) and yet dad is close by. I don't think you, in your head, are allowing the caregiver to take a big enough role here. You're lucky dad is wealthy and can afford a caregiver and that the caregiver/companion was willing to move with him. You need to utilize that benefit more.
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I would reiterate what Anness said about your husband and add the following. Since your Dad is able to afford it and you run a business, would you be willing to compromise and find some day care for people with Alzheimer's ? There is one here in Illinois. Is there one in Texas near you? While Dad is in daycare you would be able to take care of business and personal stuff. Not only this, but, being gone for several hours a day may ease him into a full-time facility that cares for him. Finally, I find it interesting that his caretaker came with him. How dear is this caretaker to take a free ride to Texas to take care of your wealthy Dad? Is this person trustworthy?
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Not all relationships are what they may appear to be, whether it is with your parent or your spouse. Sweetnoodlesue, only you can determine what is best for you. I chose my husband because he is loving and kind. My mother is very manipulative and needy with a narcisstic personality not a healthy choice for me. You have the right to chose yourself first over everyone else. This is your life and you determine how you are going to live it.
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When you have had nothing but trouble from your in-laws from day one of your marriage, they then shouldn't expect to move in with you at the end of their lives, or, worse, expect their son or daughter to dump their spouse so he or she can move in with them in their final years. I asked my mother-in-law why she had treated me this way and her honest answer was, "I never thought I would need you for anything." I cannot do this anymore. And when she finally dies, there will be nothing left between my husband and me. I didn't opt for raising my children, caring for a sick spouse, dragging his nearly dead mother through her final days and then picking up the pieces of his deteriorating life all while having my own health issues terribly neglected. You are right: caregivers do die sooner. I will never see the ripe old ages of my in-laws because I will have been killed by taking care of them.
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As usual the answers are not clear and easy for you or any of us. The thing I find worrisome about some nursing homes is that a lot of time patients are medicated with psychotropic drugs that they do not need in order to control them. I have been told this by several friends of mine who are physicians, nurses and nurse practitioners. I have also heard about some nursing homes under investigation for their use and abuse. However, I would like to think that there are some that do not medicate those that do not need. I know that they had my mother on some meds when she was in a nursing home for two months, and she didn't know whether she was coming or going, she was just numb. Of course we do not know about your relationship and your differences with your partner, but I would consider it a red flag if my partner did not want to even discuss options with me about the care of my parent, but I could not blame him for not wanting it either, it is a tough road to go and he has to have input, it his life too. Wishing you well in figuring out what is what.
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There is a lot to be learned from your post. #1. It does not help a person with dementia to move them to another state. #2. An already iffy marriage, will not survive caring for an elderly parent. #3. Caring for someone else, takes over your whole life.

Many times being the caretaker effects your health so bad, that the caretaker dies prematurely.

I have a little info on hiring full time caretakers. A staff of 4, where I live, costs $11,000 a month and you have to pay their retirement, etc. But, you own a business, so maybe that is doable.

You can't rescue your dad. You are to be commended for trying. I suspect that your sister knows that.
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I have been a caregiver for 12 years. In the begining i moved in to help care for my father as he had early stage Alzheimers. He then had heart problems and died. Now I take care of my mother who is a two times cancer survivor. It's hard I know. However my opinion is that if your husband cannot be around needy people, what happens if you get sick? Just a thought.
I'm 57 and I understand. I have health issues of my own. Caring for someone with Alzheimers is very difficult. You are fortunate to have help. So many of us don't. Just be sure to check out the facility very well before hand if you do make that choice, some of them are difficult to see.
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I have been married nearly 50 years, the last 17 in name only and the unwilling caregiver of a nasty mother-in-law who is 97 years old. The only thing she remembers is that she doesn't like me. My husband, who had 12 operations for cancer followed by a kidney transplant ten years ago insisted we take care of her in our home. He used our estrangement as an excuse to bail on this marriage without having the courage to state the truth: I don't want to be married anymore and I don't want to pay alimony. By living separately from me to live with his mother for seven years, he then brought her back to our home when I said I wouldn't live like this anymore. So now, this selfish, hateful person lives in my home. I don't have enough money to live on my own, his kidney transplant is failing and I am tortured on a daily basis. So, the husband left? I should have done so rather than lay down and play dead when it came to standing up for myself. I have been swallowed alive in care-giving. Maybe he is better off without YOU if you can't see that a spouse should come first and a parent's care, while important, should not become the only thing in your life. Good luck. You have a hard life.
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Just chiming in to agree – you need more than a few days to see if your dad will settle at an assisted living community. Something to consider – if your dad has the financial resources to keep his caregiver (who sounds like a good fit) AND pay the rent at a senior community, have you looked at independent living as an option? IL communities are generally more lively, yet still have the support, like meals, housekeeping, etc., that your dad needs. He and his caregiver could live there together and you would have the communities resources to back up the caregiver.
However, if your dad is a determined wanderer (not just an escape planner, which can be a pretty benign behavior), you'll be looking for a locked dementia unit sometime in the future. Better to do it now than when there's been a crisis.
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I, too, am so sorry for you. My husband of 35 years is having a hard time with the needs of my mom who has lived with us for 10 years. We can't go off alone together. I think I need to be nicer to him! I agree with the other advice (if your marriage is WORTH saving, save it & to consider if he will be there when YOU need him) Also, be thankful you have the money to place him in a facility & do it or keep him home & hire caregivers for your own sanity & health. Know you are never alone--your Heavenly Father is always there.
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Hows Dad?
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Yes, I agree with you God does love caregivers and he would not put anymore on us then we can't handle. I am also a care giver for my father of 75 years old, and he too has dementia in which he is demanding more attention I am doing this by myself. I am a full time student online and work part time and I am 54 years old. Although, I am not in the situation you find yourself with your husband leaving you at a time you needed his support the most I can understand how you feel when it comes to your dad.
Maybe finding someone temporary like a life coach who can help you sort out one problem at a time it may help or finding other support group. As far as the Alzheimer's getting advance on your dad now is the time to begin looking for a facility which has a unit for Alzheimer's patient so you would be ready to release your dad into someone's else care. No one will ever care for your dad like you can however, their are people who are equip to care for him.
You have done a great job in caring for your dad now is time to let someone else help you carry the load you have been carrying. Don't allow yourself to stay in that state you find yourself in get help and support, you still have a lot to offer someone. One more type of support may help is the church and prayer. I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless you care giver
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I feel so bad for you dealing with all of that with no support from your hiusband.
He doesn't deserve you if he is so unreasonable. I recently moved my mentally
ill son in with us and while my husband of 24 years did not move out he has been hostile and nasty to my son. I don't feel I have a choice as I will not put
my son out on the street . He is not capable of caring for himself and we cannot afford to care for him in his own place.Our husbands are being selfish and
lacking compassion.
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