Dad is unwilling to change.


My dad is 64 with a spinal cord injury he has had for 20 years now. He is not military. He does live in Colorado where through Medicaid you can hire your own health care workers instead of an agency. Sounds good but he can't find anyone who has a car, or is reliable. So his one health care lady has left after back surgery. So he has no reliable help. He has nurses coming to tend his wounds on his heel. He keeps peeing his pants. I went last weekend. I live 2 hrs away. I shop make meals for freezer. He also needs to move. Landlord wants to fix and sell house. He told my dad last May. My dad can't find anything in his budget that He likes or has room for his stuff. I've talked till I'm blue. I've come up with realitic ideas. He has to have it his way. Now he is 6 days again with no help so no bowel program. It's hard to look forward to the weekend. I'm really tired of him not taking care of himself. He tells me healthcare agencies are no good. He had one once. He can't boss them or tell inappropriate jokes. He was hoping my brother would get paroled so he could come live with him and help him. He was denied. I'm glad I don't want to see my brother fall back into old habbits at dads. Of course I'd like to see him well and free at some point. Dad only sees it from his point of view. I've talked with his case worker before and I've been told its his choice. Nobody is forcing him to live like this. My dad has no money. I help where I can buying groceries. But I can't buy him a place or land to put trailer. He won't move closer to me or will lose state money. I'm just so tired of having the same convo with him. He is just getting worse. I love and try to help but im tired. Thx for listening.

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Thank for the perspective. I went to caregiving classes and therapy. I do go back to he has his choices and the consequences of them. It just gets wearing talking to someone who is pain, peed clothes, sleep deprived at times. I'm tired and sometimes it overwhelms me. Sometimes it's just tough. I've done a lot of tough love believe it or not. I try to be kind and respect my father and not get used up at the same time. My question is always where is the line? All the stories I read on here. Some live with patents some quit jobs. I guess you have to find the balance between caring but not getting sucked in. It tries to drain me some days I get tired from fighting the insanity. It's true a step back is good. Thanks again.

I have to agree with 97, he is this way because you allow him to be. Let him suffer a few consequences of his actions. Not your problem to find him a new place or clean out his basement. If he is competent he gets to make his own decisions and he gets to live with the results. Go back to the once a month visits. He is abdicating from responsibility because he has you to take responsibility for everything. My father tries to do the same thing. If he has a problem he won't take any suggestions that requires HIM to do something, only wants me to fix it.

I hate to say this. I only mean it as a wake up call. I think you have become part of the problem.
You are wringing your hands and pacing the floors and somehow making dad think you are going to pull a rabbit out of the hat and make it where he doesn’t have to pay attention. Much less move.
You need to back away. Way away. As in don’t go there.
He isn’t going to stop procrastinating until you stop propping him up.
STOP IT. Yes, I was speaking pretty loud there.
He has been given notice. There are laws. He either obeys the laws or he pays the consequences. Quite frankly it would be easier on you long term if the county or whichever entity handles an eviction came and put his “ stuff” out.
If you don’t have the legal standing to move him then back away. You are doing this to yourself. Don’t go back until you are there to direct the movers. You probably shouldn’t even do that. Right now you are just helping him tread water.

I just want to scream and throw things. My father will not hire an agency, won't get rid of anything unless he gets top dollar for his "antiques". The nurses that come. For his foot wound don't even like his humor. I've been down two weekends already this month. I usually go once a month. My husband wants to do something and we made plans. Now the landlord wants dads things out of the basement. I had wanted to make a plan and now it well aren't you coming this weekend. So basically I get to work and them drive down to work more. His denial is so strong of any other way then his. I knew this was coming and dads been dragging it out for a year. Now im supposed to drop my stuff again.Dad also has peed his pants again. I love him. Sometimes I just want him to not make everything so hard because it has to be his way. Wants to keep everything. Wants a place just like he has for low rent. I feel torn apart because I wish I could give him all of it. Why does family have to do this to each other.

So sorry. Loved my Dad but was glad he went before Mom. She waited on him hand and foot. Not me. He would have gone into a home if he expected me to do what Mom did. I also refuse to take care of a man other than my DH.

Tell him to call the agencies again. Have the potential caregiver come out for an interview. Have your dad make a list of things they will do ..and include that he tells some blue jokes sometimes but isnt handsy at all.

You are very generous with what you do to help. But remember, Dad makes his decisions and HE is responsible for them. Not much you can do. Don't give up your life - no way do you owe him that.