Dad has dementia and stepmom is a gold digger

It's such a painful thing when an aging father marries a much younger woman, especially if he is beginning to show signs of dementia. My sister and I went through thirteen years of pain when this happened when our father married for a second time to an obvious gold digger. May I say to you, with comfort, that this too shall pass and eventually, when your father passes on, if he dies first, you will never have to deal with that type of woman again. Small comfort, but it will pass.

Let me correct you, This is not my fathers' stepson, it is his full son from that first marriage which makes him my half brother because we share the same father and his mother is my stepmother. She would not be my stepmother if she dis not marry my father the second time.

lilyat, you are correct. You do not ask for advice. But you resurrected a thread that is over two years old, and usually the is a signal to discuss the topic again.

I am sorry that you didn't get to care for your father in the way you think he should be cared for. I can't understand why his step son has more say about it than you do, but since you just wanted to make a statement and not have discussion, I withdraw my questions and my interest.

lilyat, many who vent here are quietly screaming for help. Would you rather no one respond to your postings, or you rather everyone agree with what is being said? Help us out here.

Well jeannegibbs, I have a decent career so this situation isn't all about about money. And I am not rich by any means. You say you don't mean to sound critical but you are very critical and you appear to have this theme about you throughout your replies on this website. Maybe I touched a sore spot with you. Are you a stepmother? I am not new at care giving at all. In fact I am a very seasoned care giver as I currently care for someone with a different illness that has some of the same horrible features of Alzheimer's. So, I am perfectly knowledgeable of what care my father requires and I can tell you I would do things different starting with diet. Some examples here would be no inflammatory foods and omit almost all forms of sugar period and add plenty of fat in his diet from fish, butter etc.... (Alzheimer's is diabetes 3!) It's not all about money so don't judge. I have educated myself about this disease as well as my other other loved one's disease. I have never been arrogant towards that side of the family by any means. That side of the family just does not want me involved and I have literally been told not to be involved by my half brother. So it's not going to be about making peace. I just have to let my father be happy. And you and freqflyer should reread my post. I wasn't asking for advice. I simply was venting on how I see my situation.... that this marriage was a joke. It really was a smooth move on her part.

lilyat, how often to you visit your Dad? Do you see your step-mother there or her children there to visit your Dad? If you are there on a daily basis you would know. Or if you can't be there, ask the Staff how many visitors come to see your Dad.

Of course your Dad would be pitiful, he has a serious illness, people with dementia aren't going to be happy all the time... they go through stages... and with dementia it will get worse, not better. This website has great information about dementia, the more you know the better you will understand it.

You said others have the same opinion as you.... who are the *others*? Have they been personally involved with the situation?

lilyat, so this is about losing some of all of your potential inheritance? That is, it is more about how it affects you than about your dad? How often do you visit Dad? How far away is he?

I don't mean this to sound critical. You are entitled to be disgusted about a monetary loss for yourself. That is not quite the same thing as trying to look out for Dad's best interest, though.

This woman who was married to him previously got back into the picture, apparently when his dementia began to be apparent. She took care of him at home for a year. Maybe that was exploitation and maybe that was compassion for someone she had truly loved. How could we know? In any case, she was someone willing to look after him and his interests and was able to keep him out of a nursing home for a year. That sounds good, whatever her motives.

What would you have preferred to have happen during that year? Did you want him to go to a care center? Did you want him to move in with you? Would you have preferred that he pay a stranger to care for him? Did you discuss any of these options with him? Is the option he chose, to remarry a former spouse, worse for him, or just worse for you?

If Dad only had children from his first marriage, I would suppose his will provides for those children. But that assumes there is something to pass on. Unless he is wildly wealthy, that is unlikely. Care for a person with dementia is VERY expensive. People of ordinary means typically run out of money and then have to rely on Medicaid. The chances of there being huge amounts left to be given to ANYONE are slim.

In my opinion, you might as well make peace with his current wife and her family. All of you can concentrate on bringing as much peace and pleasure as you can to this man who has a terrible disease.

freqflyer my Dad has been married so many times but the breakup of the marriage before this one really sent him downhill. It was not possible for him to think logically about this marriage let alone a nursing home. Not enough time. That is not only my opinion, it is others as well. Maybe his wife before knew he was getting sick. It may have been why she left. There are two offspring from the first marriage and that marriage lasted about 5 years. He hasn't been in the nursing home a year yet and they were married a year before the nursing home. @jeannegibbs it was an awesome move on her part. You hear women joke about situations like these. If she had married him and my dad had a sound mind and could actually know what he was doing, no I would not be pissed. But he is pitiful. I don't know a lot about how often she sees him. That family does not like me to know and she gets pissed as well as her kids if I ask what is going on. They do not want me involved. That way she more money she has to give to her kids... OBVIOUS. She gets to call the shots because she is the wife.

lilyat, I have the same questions freqflyer has. And also, what part of this is disgusting to you? Do you think she exploited him?

Why "poor dad"? Has she stuck him in a nursing home and then abandoned him? Or is she still managing his care, advocating for him, being with him often? Is she interfering with your relationship with him?

If she had remarried him and he didn't have dementia, would you still be disgusted?

Just trying to understand the background here.

lilyat, could it be before your Dad's illness got to the point of where it is today, that he and his wife decided that he would be better in a nursing home, and for her to enjoy her life the way she sees fit? Does she go to visit him? Call him? Send him cards, etc? How long were they first married? Any children from that union? How long were they married this time around? If there are many years, so be it. It was his choice.

But I can understand how you feel, I think all grown children wouldn't want an elder parent to re-marry. Unless a pre-nup was written that each control their *own* net worth.

I think I would rather see a former wife back in the picture then someone no ones knows.

this discussion is old but my situation is similar none the less. my father's first wife came back into his life after he got sick with Alzheimer's then she married him. he was obviously going back to his younger years because of the disease. she already sold his house and put him in a nursing home and she bought a nice waterfront property. how disgusting to me to watch this happen. my poor dad.

I am going through a similar situation with my father. I had power of attorney for finances, but the "girlfriend" hopped from one capacity assessor to another and the assessor wrote a letter stating my father could revoke/re-appoint a new poa. He gave all his power to her and changed his will. A poa means nothing. Unless the intended recipients receive assets before someone dies, there is no guarantee that yoou will receive anything. When people marry, the spouse must receive assets. It's totall y unfair, and I believe poa's are BS. If someone re-marries, everything becomes void and the spouse gets control.

Thanks for the advice Lynn, oh how I wish I could do all that is on your list. Dad has told me in the past he has a will with his attorney. My stepmother says he has nothing in writing but I have seen the will. He is in true denial of his mental state. He has been losing his temper with her and drinking alot so I am worried she is building some kind of case to have him put away.

I am just praying that she does not get her grubby hands on everything and ship him off to a home if things get worse. I just want him taken care of and I know that as soon as she can she would dump him off at a home and take off with all of his money.

I have tried really hard to be nice to her for Dad's sake.

I am just sick of the whole situation.

LYNN:

Work it baby! That star-studded comment made me drop my dentures. And I don't have any. ... At least not yet.

SONYAM:

Lynn made some wonderful suggestions; but I also agree with your husband. ... Still, I understand your frustration. It's painful to watch someone you care about compromise his self-respect in exchange for a little faked love and there isn't much you can do about it. ... And yes; been there, done that.

-- ED

Great advise Lynn. Solid advise!

Okay - if you really want to protect your dad - here's what you do.
1. get his durable power of attorney, tell him it's "in case something happens", don't tell the wife about this, and don't tell anyone who might know her - keep this secret or you'll sabotage your plan.
2. visit a mean and nasty divorce attorney to understand how best to protect dads assets from her, if they've been married for a number of years it might be difficult to keep from splitting it 50-50... but TRY, she might take a large cash payment and run away if you offer. Better to spend, oh say...$50,000... and be rid of her for good than to pay spousal support, housing, etc...
3. next time wifie-poo takes off, change the locks, file for divorce on his behalf and put all her things in a storage unit. .
4 Ensure that any life insurance policies are changed to that she's not the beneficiary, so the same with 401(k) and IRA funds - legally, as long as she's his WIFE - she MUST be the beneficiary of these funds.
5. file for a restraining order so that she can't go within 8 blocks of him, his home, car, or those of your family.
6. have dad spend an extended vacation with you or other relatives out of town so that she can't find him to cry and worm her way back in - keep him out of town until the divorce is over.
7. look into moving him into assisted living and be sure that all of his income and expenditures are tightly controlled by you or another trusted family member
8. don't try to fix him up with someone "better" - you shouldn't let a person with dementia commit to anything like marriage, let him date and have fun but NO COMMITMENTS(!!) it makes things too difficult to "fix" later.

Best of luck.

Thanks Ed, You are unfortunately correct and it sounds as if you have experience with this situation.

She just takes off for weeks at a time and will not return his calls and then shows back up as if he should kiss the ground she walks on. It is so sad and depressing to me it is hard to describe. It would be a little different if she was a prize but believe me she is no prize. She calls the whole world me, my sister, all of her relatives and tells them how awful he is and she will never go back. The next thing you know they are off on a cruise and everything is great until the next time and the whole cycle starts again.

The really sad part of it all is there are two women I know that love my Dad for him and not his money. They are financially stable and would be great to him.

I have lost respect for him and her and find it hard to even think of seeing either of them again. My husband reminds me that it is out of my control and he is also right.

SONYAM:

Can I stir the pot just a little? Here's 5 ways you'll know for sure she's a gold-digger:

1. She only knocks boots after your dad has bought something for her.
2. She has a temper tantrum if he refuses to buy something for her.
3. She only suggests expensive restaurants, hotels, etc.
4. She earns a very modest income, yet everything she owns is very expensive.
5. She never offers to pay the bill, not even her share.

She reminds me of that alien civilization in the movie Independence Day that moved and planet to planet after consuming every resource. Well my dear, the problem is that when a man becomes "p ---- whipped" his brain usually falls by the road side and he can't see the forest for the trees. And right now he's not running on all four cylinders, which means he can be easily manipulated. Then again, he might be aware she's playing him like a fiddle, but he doesn't care as long as she's rocking his world. You know what I mean?

The saddest part is that countless elderly fall victim to gold-diggers every day. You can confront her, expose her, you might even be able to run her out of town. ... But there are many others to replace her. For now the only thing you can do is tell your Dad she's taking him for every penny; which he'll deny. When he can no longer satisfy her every whim and anybody else contemplating the idea of mugging him will just be doing it for the practice, he'll come to cry on your shoulder. ... You could rub his face in it, console him with things he wants to hear, or say nothing at all because deep inside you feel it's going to happen again.

If anything, dementia often brings out a person's basic instincts. Gold-digger or not, maybe she is the embodiment of his innermost desires; however costly they might be. As long as he's happy, manages to keep a roof over his head and isn't flying off the handle, the least you can do is pretend to respect her. .... If only for his sake.

-- ED