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I am sorry that you didn't get to care for your father in the way you think he should be cared for. I can't understand why his step son has more say about it than you do, but since you just wanted to make a statement and not have discussion, I withdraw my questions and my interest.
Of course your Dad would be pitiful, he has a serious illness, people with dementia aren't going to be happy all the time... they go through stages... and with dementia it will get worse, not better. This website has great information about dementia, the more you know the better you will understand it.
You said others have the same opinion as you.... who are the *others*? Have they been personally involved with the situation?
I don't mean this to sound critical. You are entitled to be disgusted about a monetary loss for yourself. That is not quite the same thing as trying to look out for Dad's best interest, though.
This woman who was married to him previously got back into the picture, apparently when his dementia began to be apparent. She took care of him at home for a year. Maybe that was exploitation and maybe that was compassion for someone she had truly loved. How could we know? In any case, she was someone willing to look after him and his interests and was able to keep him out of a nursing home for a year. That sounds good, whatever her motives.
What would you have preferred to have happen during that year? Did you want him to go to a care center? Did you want him to move in with you? Would you have preferred that he pay a stranger to care for him? Did you discuss any of these options with him? Is the option he chose, to remarry a former spouse, worse for him, or just worse for you?
If Dad only had children from his first marriage, I would suppose his will provides for those children. But that assumes there is something to pass on. Unless he is wildly wealthy, that is unlikely. Care for a person with dementia is VERY expensive. People of ordinary means typically run out of money and then have to rely on Medicaid. The chances of there being huge amounts left to be given to ANYONE are slim.
In my opinion, you might as well make peace with his current wife and her family. All of you can concentrate on bringing as much peace and pleasure as you can to this man who has a terrible disease.
Why "poor dad"? Has she stuck him in a nursing home and then abandoned him? Or is she still managing his care, advocating for him, being with him often? Is she interfering with your relationship with him?
If she had remarried him and he didn't have dementia, would you still be disgusted?
Just trying to understand the background here.
But I can understand how you feel, I think all grown children wouldn't want an elder parent to re-marry. Unless a pre-nup was written that each control their *own* net worth.
I think I would rather see a former wife back in the picture then someone no ones knows.
I am just praying that she does not get her grubby hands on everything and ship him off to a home if things get worse. I just want him taken care of and I know that as soon as she can she would dump him off at a home and take off with all of his money.
I have tried really hard to be nice to her for Dad's sake.
I am just sick of the whole situation.
Work it baby! That star-studded comment made me drop my dentures. And I don't have any. ... At least not yet.
SONYAM:
Lynn made some wonderful suggestions; but I also agree with your husband. ... Still, I understand your frustration. It's painful to watch someone you care about compromise his self-respect in exchange for a little faked love and there isn't much you can do about it. ... And yes; been there, done that.
-- ED
1. get his durable power of attorney, tell him it's "in case something happens", don't tell the wife about this, and don't tell anyone who might know her - keep this secret or you'll sabotage your plan.
2. visit a mean and nasty divorce attorney to understand how best to protect dads assets from her, if they've been married for a number of years it might be difficult to keep from splitting it 50-50... but TRY, she might take a large cash payment and run away if you offer. Better to spend, oh say...$50,000... and be rid of her for good than to pay spousal support, housing, etc...
3. next time wifie-poo takes off, change the locks, file for divorce on his behalf and put all her things in a storage unit. .
4 Ensure that any life insurance policies are changed to that she's not the beneficiary, so the same with 401(k) and IRA funds - legally, as long as she's his WIFE - she MUST be the beneficiary of these funds.
5. file for a restraining order so that she can't go within 8 blocks of him, his home, car, or those of your family.
6. have dad spend an extended vacation with you or other relatives out of town so that she can't find him to cry and worm her way back in - keep him out of town until the divorce is over.
7. look into moving him into assisted living and be sure that all of his income and expenditures are tightly controlled by you or another trusted family member
8. don't try to fix him up with someone "better" - you shouldn't let a person with dementia commit to anything like marriage, let him date and have fun but NO COMMITMENTS(!!) it makes things too difficult to "fix" later.
Best of luck.
She just takes off for weeks at a time and will not return his calls and then shows back up as if he should kiss the ground she walks on. It is so sad and depressing to me it is hard to describe. It would be a little different if she was a prize but believe me she is no prize. She calls the whole world me, my sister, all of her relatives and tells them how awful he is and she will never go back. The next thing you know they are off on a cruise and everything is great until the next time and the whole cycle starts again.
The really sad part of it all is there are two women I know that love my Dad for him and not his money. They are financially stable and would be great to him.
I have lost respect for him and her and find it hard to even think of seeing either of them again. My husband reminds me that it is out of my control and he is also right.
Can I stir the pot just a little? Here's 5 ways you'll know for sure she's a gold-digger:
1. She only knocks boots after your dad has bought something for her.
2. She has a temper tantrum if he refuses to buy something for her.
3. She only suggests expensive restaurants, hotels, etc.
4. She earns a very modest income, yet everything she owns is very expensive.
5. She never offers to pay the bill, not even her share.
She reminds me of that alien civilization in the movie Independence Day that moved and planet to planet after consuming every resource. Well my dear, the problem is that when a man becomes "p ---- whipped" his brain usually falls by the road side and he can't see the forest for the trees. And right now he's not running on all four cylinders, which means he can be easily manipulated. Then again, he might be aware she's playing him like a fiddle, but he doesn't care as long as she's rocking his world. You know what I mean?
The saddest part is that countless elderly fall victim to gold-diggers every day. You can confront her, expose her, you might even be able to run her out of town. ... But there are many others to replace her. For now the only thing you can do is tell your Dad she's taking him for every penny; which he'll deny. When he can no longer satisfy her every whim and anybody else contemplating the idea of mugging him will just be doing it for the practice, he'll come to cry on your shoulder. ... You could rub his face in it, console him with things he wants to hear, or say nothing at all because deep inside you feel it's going to happen again.
If anything, dementia often brings out a person's basic instincts. Gold-digger or not, maybe she is the embodiment of his innermost desires; however costly they might be. As long as he's happy, manages to keep a roof over his head and isn't flying off the handle, the least you can do is pretend to respect her. .... If only for his sake.
-- ED