My dad is 81 years old, and forgot that he gave his caregiver his one credit card to use for groceries. Back in October his cousin "advocated" for him and told me that there would be no more instacart (she is not a power of attorney for financial or healthcare but feels the need to step in "when she sees fit"). I live in South Carolina and my Dad lives in Wisconsin. His three days a week care giver left a note for me stating that "her" credit card was declined twice and that she wanted to see the statements. I'm pissed that she would even ask such a thing because as POA I am the only one that should be seeing his statements. The card was declined because the card was "lost", dad couldn't remember that the card was given to the caregiver. We were doing fine until the next door neighbor and Dad's cousin decided to get involved. I'm at my wits end!!!
https://westsidenannies.com/the-simplest-ways-to-provide-spending-money-to-your-nanny/
It was one thing when the catalogs kept multiplying. Then MIL's magazines and subscription bills started showing up.
"Why did you order magazines that you can't read?" was the question.
"I would never do that, They just started coming." came the answer.
"Well, you must of and you need to pay for the orders." came the reply.
"I'm not paying. They are stealing my money." came the indignation.
We paid and cancelled them.
A week later, I sat and watched her "accidentally" (I asked what box are you checking and she claimed it was NO) check the yes boxes instead of the no boxes a week later on a request for donation, a magazine order form and an insurance medical billing questionnaire while paying her bills. Oh, and then watched MIL write out a check for one hundred THOUSAND dollars instead of one hundred.
We immediately took over collecting and reviewing the mail. We had to spend 2 1/2 years of her nagging to us and her friends that we were stealing her mail before she could get it first.
Ah, the love (/s) dementia leaves in it's wake.
My dad has moments where he is able to understand what he is saying and doing but there are the times when he wakes up from sleeping that he doesn't remember squat and I told him I would pay his bills for him which then became me asking him if he wanted me to be his power of attorney. The care giver did send me a list of groceries.
Geaton777 - I am listed on his checking acount and savings account as his POA so there will be no issues there. All of the companies that he does business with the dog groomer, the pharmacy, the vet, all know to call me to make a payment over the phone as I don't want my dad to write a check.
My FIL would talk on the phone to his sister (9 hours away and hadn't seen him in person in 10 years) and tell her that we never visited....WHILE WE WERE STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM!!
Persons with dementia cannot be trusted - and I don't mean that in a mean way. They literally cannot be trusted once they get to a certain point - to manage anything on their own because the outcome is not managed and they can't remember what happened.
This is a great example. Giving her the credit card - and then forgetting he gave it to her.
I can remember many instances of things that FIL shared that even at the outset sounded impossible. (For example - he called his satellite tv provider to cancel his service, they offered him a deal - like those companies always do to stay - and it included THREE MONTHS of free HBO. When the bill came at month 4 and increased because he had not cancelled the HBO..he was livid. "THEY LIED TO ME!! They told me I had free HBO for life!!!")
Um....there is no way that ever happened. But in his mind that was exactly what happened. We were not aware this even happened until Month 4 when he got upset and we had to get involved to remediate. And that was WITH BIL and SIL living WITH him. He had many back office late night phone calls that caused quite a stir.
Your best option if you are so far away is a more managed living situation for your father. He can't be on his own at all now, it doesn't seem. He needs 24/7 care.
Do you realize that you and only you have the power. The only way this cousin could "advocate" is if your Dad gave permission and seems he is not capable of that. If you need to get a doctor/s to invoke Dads POA get it done now. You may have to go where he is. Once ur POA is invoked, you make the decisions, not him orcanyone else. Since you have a relative that seems to stick her nose into Dads business, I would move him near you. If he can afford it, an AL if not Medicaid in a nice facility. You can't do this job from miles away unless Dad is in care. You are the POA and the facility only deals with you. If the cousin is causing problems, you can have her band.
The credit card is currently out of control, and being used by dad and or given to caregivers.
This isn't safe.
Call the credit card company.
You can really rely on what either your Dad or caregiver are doing or not doing with this credit card.
I would daily check on activity.
Ordering and charging of this type should be going through you only.
When my brother had Lewy's dementia and wished to keep credit card because he needed pharmaceuticals and such he had a credit card, but I managed in and was in control of it and had to check its use with frequency. I was a responsible party, as well. He was able to maintain ability until his death to use his card, but this is always a dicey and moment to moment thing.
My mother once told me that the therapy pony that was at her MC was there to make her take a shower. I kid you not.
Dementia is crazy-making!
If I were you I'd contact each of them, letting them know (politely) that you are his only legal representative (PoA) and that you are the only one legally able to manage his affairs. Thank them for their concern, remind them that your Dad has memory impairment and dementia which drives what he thinks and comes out of his mouth, which often is not accurate. Tell them you understand them wanting to help your Dad but that it is making managing his affairs more difficult than it needs to be. If they can't accept this, then you can choose to do other things through the law, or maybe it's just time to privately hire an aid to help him, or transition him to a facility local to you.
For now I would try to get the neighbor as educated and on-board as possible since s/he is your local go-to person. Consider thanking him with a small token of appreciation, like a GC to a local store. Make sure your Dad's bank (if local to him) knows the situation and to contact you the minute anything seems fishy (they are used to this). Are you joint on his accounts? If not, did you submit your PoA paperwork to the bank? If not, this needs to happen.
I wish you success in dealing with the "helpful" people.