Dad died: I don’t want your help right now!

I'm very sorry for your loss and the current circus. When an LO passes, many people feel helpless and their ironic reaction is to be "helpful".

I think MargaretMcKen's idea of choosing 1 reasonable family representative and having them communicate your wishes to the others is a good idea. Having a buffer will help you a lot. Then you're not the "bad guy" stiff arming "well-intentioned" people.

Your family rep can make dates with them for later in the month or year since that's when people tend to disappear. If that's something you think you'll look forward to.

May you be comforted by loving memories of your Father and receive peace in your heart.

Ah--I'm so sorry. Going through sort of the same situation with my family--

I remember when my daddy died. New Years Day at 12:45 am. I stayed at the house with mother until the mortuary came to get him. It was a blizzardy day and driving was horrific I think I got home at like 5 am. At 9 am, my son (who was visiting for the holidays) came in my room and jumped on my bed and said "Hey, we're all going to the movies and out to lunch! Get up and go with us!" I replied that, no, I didn't feel like it, I needed a day to myself. He said "what's wrong?" and I said "Daddy died early this morning". Son replies, "yeah, I know, but NOT going to the movies isn't going to bring him back." I told him to get OUT of my room and leave me alone. He and his wife stayed another 4 days and flew out the morning of dad's funeral. Wouldn't even stay in town for 4 more hours to be at the funeral.

I'm still a little mad at him for that. He did come to town for the funeral for mom (and 4 rounds of golf and dinner out with his HS friends, and visiting his inlaws). I saw him for the length of the funeral & internment, then he packed the car and went home. I'm sure I spent less than 6 hrs with him.

Guess I should be grateful he even acknowledged mom's death.

My GIRLS, on the other hand, were loving and supportive. It worked out, but, oh, family can be SO not great, at times.

Be honest with them. Let them know you need time to be alone with what has just happened. Switch your phone off and just sit with your grief.

I am sorry for your loss. I too lost my father suddenly 3 years ago. All I could do for a week was cry and sleep. The last thing I felt like doing was going out or socialising.

Reminds me of a sign my gym teacher had on her office wall: “My cow died. I don’t need your bull.”

My deepest condolences on your sudden loss.

Could you send a (tactful) group text or email to family that for the next ??? hours or days you will be unavailable as you have much to do and that you will let them know if/when you need help. Then don't answer any calls or texts or emails during that time. If there is anything down the line you will want their help for you could mention that to soften the message. They do sound a little too involved.

In my experience people may feel a flush of helpfulness right after a crisis but it passes off pretty quickly for the most part.

.

One suggestion might be to pick one family member who has the time (and some sense) and ask them to be with you. Their job is largely to be the family contact, so you get some head space. There are probably other things they can do – clean the house, help you sort (or deal with the sorted things that need to go to an OpShop or rellies), mow the lawn, and ANSWER THE PHONE for you! It stops it looking as though you are keeping all the locals away at a time when they want to help.

So sorry for your loss.

Put your phone on Do Not Disturb. When asked why you didn't answer your phone, claim jet lag. Really, 17 hrs jet leg big time. Just say for now you just need some time to yourself. Just not good company. That you will call them if you need anything.

My sincere condolences on the loss of your dad. Since they’re so eager to help, could you fly home and let everyone else deal with it?

You're just lucky. My family members squeeze a nickel so hard the buffalo takes a dump.

My condolences on your loss DeckApe. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, isn't it?

Because women take care of men Cover. And think men are helpless. That's why.

Why?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Too bad we couldn't switch families. When my mom passed and I contacted the one niece I had the address for, she sent a thank you card with a few notes jotted down. She promised to stay in touch which she did, to let me know her plane had landed at her family reunion

As for the rest of the family, save for one cousin, have not heard from them and don't expect to hear from them ( mom is dead, no need to be in contact my brother and me anymore). One sister she thought was the the s***, but she has not reached out and doesn't have to, anymore.

Be careful what you wish for.

Prayers and Blessings.

DeckApe, my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.

I noticed you've been a member of the forum community for a year now, and have read how you had your hands full with being a caregiver. It was quite a journey.

You could put a message on your phone that you are very busy right now and will return calls at a later time.

Since you are the son, you will get a lot more calls for dinners then if you were a daughter.

Another text from another relative. They’ve made dinner reservations at some bougie restaurant (for the same time another relative wants me at their home for dad’s favorite stew). Is this how most people are when someone dies or am I just… lucky?

I am so sorry for your loss.

May The Lord give you peace, comfort and wisdom to deal with your family and your loss.

Sorry to hear about your dad and the family adding stress on the whole situation.