My Dad ask me could he move in a small apt next to my house that my husband and I own when he no longer could drive. He was 93 at this time and turned 94 in Nov. First off he did not like my tv service. He wanted boxing and old western channels. So I changed to direct tv which cost double but he did agree to pay half. He gives me 500 a month for his rent which includes elect and water. He ask me to provide his evening meals. I agreed. When we go grocery shopping I have to use his cart. He waits untill we get in the store and throws a fit if I try to get my own cart. He takes a bath about on average twice a month. Once he went 6 weeks. I tell him when we go somewhere to clean up and sometimes he does but usually not. Now his sister went into a nursing home and wants me to take him every week. He told his other sisters and brothers he would go see her every week. Its 35 minutes from here. I told him I was not taking him once a week and that my sisters need to come take him once in a while and he got mad and blew up and said the only reason why i moved over here is because you dont do anything. I have grandkids that i pick up once a week and transport two of them to there mothers for my son twice a month. I also work on this house we bought as it was in bad shape when we bought it and also do lots of art work. I have no life anymore. He controls me. I am a retired nurse but am getting to my witt ends with him. What do I do. I am getting depressed over this. This is not all that he does to me. And also may I add that have caught him playing with himself. He wont even lock his door.
maybe do things WITH HIM..NOT JUST hand him food..k .play cards..
to an outing..park..etc.
its just how some are knwing that they are at an age&Alone.k
You mentioned about your sibs setting an example to their kids about visiting in old age. People do in fact look to others as an example. My mom was an only child and when her mom couldn't live alone, she moved grandma from CO to TX to live with her and my dad. Mom let her mom know every day how much she resented taking care of her (I wasn't the only one my mom was mean to). Poor grandma. So one time my mom was being particularly ugly, I told her what I had observed and what kind of example she had set for me. I also reminded her, that if I were less of a person, I might be treating her as she had treated her mom. My mom knew what I was talking about and didn't say a word. I doubt it meant anything to her but it was a life lesson I've always kept in mind. Just sharing.
You can help your father but you don't have to do the hands on if it is hurting you. That is beyond the call of duty. Have a meeting with the sibs, and tell them he has to go to a home, or some place other than your house.
You do deserve better.
When my father died I thought my family would be different but have come to realize they are playing their "roles". Even today my mother carries on the dysfunction. And, no, I will not care for her. She allowed this man to abuse me and she wants to go to a nursing home. So she has made it easy.
I feel sorry for people who have these abusive parents and others tell them, it is their duty to take the abuse and care for the parent. Not so. You can arrange care but you don't have to take abuse. You are still a good daughter and you are not his only child.
Like a willful child, a bully will push you as far as they are allowed. They must have their way and alot of attention. And yes, he is probably lonely, well join the club, so are alot of people. Mom complains constantly of being lonely but won't come to visit me, doesn't want me over two days (and I live 11 hours away) won't go to church, meet ladies for lunch, or do anything to make her life better. Manipulation is their best and most often used skill.
Find him care somewhere else. You deserve it.
I was at the hospital all day yesterday. My father is on antibiotics with a liquid diet. His Dr. is hoping it may help the gall stones so it won't be necessary for surgery at his advanced age.
He doesn't cook any more. I honestly don't want him using the stove or the microwave. He's burned many pans and kettles, and ruined the last micro with putting the settings too high and too long, causing the smoke alarm to go off. I bought an electric kettle that automatically shuts off. He uses it every day for tea, instant coffee and dried packaged soup.
I understand how you feel about your siblings not helping out. I have one sibling, a brother, who lives three hours away. He hasn't made an attempt to come here to visit our father while in the hospital. He always tells me he feels badly because he can't help out etc, Yesterday his daughters and husbands were at the hospital. They think it's terrible that he doesn't come here more often. Not only to see our 97 yr.old father but to visit them and the grandchildren. It's a second marriage for him so his present wife is not their mother. I've learned that people will let you do it all with no concern as to how you're coping. So, if your Dad wants to cook and is able to, let him. He may be saying that today but time will tell. Take care.
mayve spend time with him doing something so he is distracted by having fun ..
or going somewhere fun..
he may be fiesty becos he knows that he has to have a tough front in order not
to show he is Lonely or scared..hard to be Alone.
Good for you. Remember I told you think of this as a game of stradegy. I don't mean that in a nasty way, just a way to cope with it all.
I had to call 911 last Thurs. because my father had severe pain in his chest/stomach area. He had a triple by-pass 12 yrs ago. We thought it was his heart but now find out it's gall stones. He's 97 so it depends on wheather he can go through surgery or can this be treated in another way. I was in the hospital all day yesterday and finally went home. I just got to sleep and the phone rang at 11:30 pm. It was him saying he wanted to go down stairs to the kitchen thinking he was home. He wasn't talking rationally and sounded confused. I don't know what's going on but need to talk to his doctor. It can be stressful when they're home, but also when in the hospital because then we worry. Talk soon.
I am sure you do well..just patience..and it is your Dad.
I guess when he starts being upset remember his age...
&perhaps do something fun while having breakfast&coffee..
play some cards or dice game.
I would give everything to have my Father back.first.before ME.
In all my Heart I share this with you.
for the most part just sounds very Lonely.
put in an apt to pay Rent..Sounds Lonely...can u have him live with you so he has
availability to eat meals with..instead of Alone..Etc.
The things you want are not unreasonable. You've turned it into a power struggle--one that you're losing. There was a great scene in a Jonathan Franzen novel where a character is picking up his elderly mother at the airport, and the guy says that everyone else sees a frail, white-haired old lady but he still just sees his killer. My point is: you need to remind yourself that you are fighting a 90-year-old; you can win this.
From what you've described of your parents' relationship, it sounds like your father is just acting the way he's always behaved toward your mother. I think you have to accept that your father will not change, then commit to changing your own behavior. He doesn't sound like such a delicate flower that he'll fall apart if you tell him to push his own grocery cart!
While he's filling his cart, tell him to put in a lot of microwave-ready frozen dinners. Then serve them on a lovely plate. You should not be cooking! If he's going to complain anyway, let him complain about Marie Callendar.
I had a similar issue with the bathing. My mother is 94, and she came up with many excuses, including post-traumatic stress from a near-drowning in 1925. Her sense of smell is gone. Mine isn't. I bought a bench for the tub/shower and a hand-held shower with a setting for big droplets, so the shower experience is less cold and less dangerous. She has to take a shower every two days. This was non-negotiable. For me, it was a deal breaker: I would not take care of her if she would not do it.
I would write down what you are willing to do, what you cannot do (anything that prohibits you from working on your art), and buy a calendar for his schedule. Put limits on what you are putting into this situation. Does he have a phone? Let him call people and ask for help for the things you can't do.
More than anything, I think you can see in rereading your own message to us that you are in over your head. Your father is not going to save you because he sees what this is doing to you. You have to do it.
My dad walked away from me when I was 11. He did not care if I had food in my belly or clothes on my back and yet here I am taking care of him and he has NO respect for me. He frequently accuses my of evil things. He says I do not care for him. He yells at me and constantly insults me. In fact, most of my life he took little interest in me as a person much less his daughter.
When we go out or when the nurses come in to change his wound, he gives the impression that he is completely with it mentally and emotionally and sometimes bad mouths me in front of them, yet in reality he is a manipulative, deceitful little child who insists on getting his way all the time. He expects me to be at his beck and call. He demands all my attention all the while not giving me any attentive care or concern for my exhaustion of taking care of him. He has never taken responsibility for his life either because he is depressed or simply does not give a crap and yet he expects everyone else to do it for him. When I talk to him about making funeral arrangements, he says let the state take care of it. He is a child who never grew up and here I am left holding the bag. He usually give me grief about medical decisions and frequently states that I am "miss know it all" and yet funny because even though I am not a doctor I was correct in his diagnosis of CHF because of pitting edema without any diagnostic testings done. Many things I happen to be right about but he has too much pride to admit that I am right.
To be fair though, my dad has some good points but now in his old age, he is just MISERABLE and he is taking his misery out on me. He seems to get pleasure out of making me miserable as if I should some how join him in his misery.
So truly I understand what you are going through. I have no one to help me. My oldest brother doesn't speak to me and treats me like crap and my other brother has helped some but not much because he lives 4 hours away and has 4 children and a demanding job.
One day this will all be over because he is on the waiting list at a nursing home and I am hoping that by early April he will be in there so I can move on with my life.
Cindy
He is simply UNGRATEFUL. He is about as humble as Adolf Hitler himself.
I fully understand what you're going through. I am the sole caregiver for my 97 yr. old father. Your father sounds exactly like mine. He's always been controlling and continues to be. It hurts when you're the only one doing things and aren't appreciated and respected for it. I've tried it all, as how to react to him in difficult situations with him. It's so hard, but someone recently told me to more or less agree with him, but then do what I know is best. It's almost like playing a game of stradegy. The hardest part is when I'm tired or not feeling well myself, so I tell him. That's when I need to have less contact or conversation with him. It's makes it difficult because we live under the same roof. Good luck.