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Neither one of these people give me any respect and there are many secrets between them. If I accidently ask my brother a question about mom or her assests or preparations for her care, I get a condesending tone and nasty remark. I have no information or legal ability to do anything for my mother. My brother says, that is how she wants it, she lies to me and stirs the pot, but basically it all goes back to childhood dynamics.

What finally pushed me over the edge was a snarky remark he made to me recently. Then last weekend, he called my home and when I returned his call, I got no answer. I called several times, no answer. I called my mother to see if she was O.K. and she told me,"yes, he knew I was calling but was just too busy to answer." His life is so much more important than anyone else's. So I told mom I was tired of the way he treats me.

She got very defensive, took up for him (of course), and told me all I ever did was call and complain to her and she was sick of it. Actually, it is the other way around, except I call and she complains. I have never been so shocked at the favoritism she exhibited. It has been this way for years and years.

Friends, boyfriends and my husband have all teased me about "the prince". I can no longer subject myself to this treatment. I feel bad in a way and would love to hear from others out there who have just called it quits. How did it go over time and what was the end result. Just feeling very sad about the entire mess.

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Is that diagnosis in the DSM - "Total DooDoo Headitis?" lol.
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Very wise advice from the capt. You have really mellowed, my computer friend. Sometimes it's best to just say that it is what it is and not worry about it. We can't change the things that people do or say, but we can choose to see them as unimportant. This doesn't mean slamming doors on them or shutting out their ideas. It is really more about confidence that we are doing okay and that some of our relatives can be total doodoo heads at times.
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They have a co-dependent relationship. You can't fix it and they don't want to.
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"Cutting off" one's family should not be a first step, or a step taken lightly. Good or bad, you only get one family. As long as they are alive, you will have the option of giving them one more chance. There is nothing wrong with giving yourself a long "vacation" from them.

The best way for you to find peace is within yourself. Choose the company of people who are wise and kind. Avoid people who don't bring out the best in you. Search for Emjo's comments on detachment. Learn what they teach at Al Anon meetings. Your happiness doesn't depend on your circumstances. Blah blah blah. Easy to say, hard to do. But you will never get there unless you try.

Some families, however, are best "cut off." I trust your judgment.
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im just not sure i agree with the amount of "dissassociate yourself" advice on this thread. i have two rather annoying sisters but mom is no longer around and i cant see any benefit in animosity with the sibs. i refused to let one sis get me ruffled lately and in fact apologised if i didnt manage things as well as i could have. i recieved a very civil apology back from her . you just cant walk away from everything in life that displeases you. im not terribly fond of my ex but in my heart i believe that shed care for me if i were ill or dying.
so no, i dont think alienating onesself is wise at all.
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I am going through the exact same thing and I have decided ENOUGH! IS ENOUGH! I no longer want to hear from anyone in my immediate family. I told them that I am done with their BS! and I do not want to hear from them and they will no longer hear from me and MAN IT FEELS GOOD! they are the most deceitful, insensitive bunch of phonies I have had such the displeasure of calling my family. I've moved on and I suggest that you should too. Life is too short to be hemming and hawing with family members that do not give one ioda about you.
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Dianestory, Nothing worthwhile IS easy. Keep the faith.
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am hoping to get to where you are - "ain't" easy
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Punch no you should not have accepted her behaivor and she will have to give an accounting of her life one day-you would never been able to make her happy-and realizing that is freeing-I can accept my mother and I will never have a good relatonship and I know it is not my fault-reading the commets hear about dysfunctional families has really helped-your mother is narcissic and no one will be able to change her she is not unhappy with herself-she will blame others for her misery.
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I know we are all here to support each other and that we all feel so much in our hearts for those who are experiencing extreme duress in caring 24/7 for a parent, or parents. I pray so hard for so many on this site! Some of those caretakers may be thinking "the grass is sure greener on their side, who don't have to deal with this caretaking nightmare" but coming from a dysfunctional family and living with verbal and physical abuse most of your life means we also had "dues" to pay, all our lives, and paid them forward as children. Some pay their dues in the first part of their lives, and others when they are aging adults themselves. When your parents die, and you look back and say you have a happy and clear conscience, and good and fond memories of them, and you cared for them until the day they died and did it with love, you truly are blessed. We who have had an unhappy past that ultimately ends with the disassociation with the parent have none of those memories to cherish and most probably will even have to deal with more pain after they die, wondering what we might have done differently and yes, probably even guilt, even when we are not really guilty of anything at all. I am still waiting for that callous to form over my heart, because it isn't there yet, as you probably can easily see.
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God bless all of us. I too, from a dysfunctional family. Not going to write about it tonight. What is meant to be will be but we cannot make it "be" single handedly.
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It is all so heartbreaking! God bless each of you.
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Frustrated2, I must say, the after reading these comments I feel better about my own situation. I have made the decision to disassociate with my mother. While my sanity is preserved, my health improved, and even my husband feeling such relief from stress, I still can't help feel badly that it ultimately came to this. I read some of the things you wrote about how you were treated and I can so relate. I was the 3rd baby and once when they were discussing breast-feeding my mother bragged about how she breast fed the first two, but when I came along she said she had no more milk. Of course, this seems silly to pine over when you are in your 60s, but it spoke volumes in other ways, it wasn't just milk she couldn't give, it was basic nurturing and love. I was a happy go-lucky little kid and this was a miserable, hateful woman who trusted no one and that even extended to me. Others used to say to me 'your mother is jealous of you' - well, having a daughter myself, that seemed incredulous. But reading your post, I can see from the barbs your mother threw at you, she too was out to knock you down any chance she got. I won't ever understand this kind of resentment from a mother, but I know what you are saying is true. And yes, now that all her needs are met in her assisted care facility, she has no use for me, and this is not only because I did not edify her, as you say, but because I refused to take her side against my sibling who I adore. Hateful, mean, scheming and manipulative and didn't mellow, even in her 90s. God forgive me if I have made a mistake here, but I pray every day that He will, if indeed I should have stuck it out and ignored the abuse.
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Not much, Madge! I read not long ago that the offspring of NPD mothers (and I am sure fathers too) are the ones who always end up in therapy, not the NPD's! So true. I was thinking about it (again, I have been before and truly did figure it out, at which time I did cut off my connection to them but due to other siblings being crazy too and saying "You can't change them (when I told them what I wasn't willing to put up with anymore) so don't even try!". I never wanted to change them and I said that, so I just needed to distance myself, which I told them, but it always ended up being a matter of cutting off my whole family and that was hard to do. In fact usually, when we were younger they all said they had learned from me to just 'go along' because they NEVER wanted to be treated the way I was! They all saw it. I say, "the older people get the more they become who they are". Everybody now is so ingrained in our roles in this nut case family and THAT is what will never change.
The really funny thing is when my mother lashes out at me she will say/write things like I am crazy and need mental help! Guess what? I am the ONLY family member who ever has gotten it and that's when - MOM! - I figured it all out. I always wondered why I married a guy (first one) so different than my dad. He was so WORSHIPFUL of my mother! Turns out, I married my mother! And I was my dad in that relationship. The counseling was something I had to have to figure out how to BE in a healthy relationship and not repeat the one I had been suffering in! And I accomplished that, thank God.
My dad is, as you say, also a perpetrator. He is and was as culpable as my mother. BOTH parents are supposed to protect their children and I was thrown to the wolves by my dad too. He is a smart man and when he takes on this "I'm stupid" thing, I want to smack him. Really.
My brothers and sisters have tried to make me feel guilty; 'they are just getting old'. Well, guess what? So are we. My husband is 61 and I'm 57. My mother, if she's like the rest of her family, will live to be 100. I am sure I won't. Only the good die young! Doesn't that sound callous? I guess I have developed a big callous. It is on my heart. Callouses are naturally occurring things made to protect you.
And you are right, I like roast beef. And not the other thing.
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Dysfunctional was our family's middle name. I had to separate myself from my dad a number of times in my life, some for similar reasons to yours, and each one truly did me good. The last time lasted about a year. I was heading out of the country, and felt this strong gut feeling to try to reconcile with him before going away. In my gut, I felt that I just didn't know how much longer he might have, and quite frankly thought about what it would be like if we were estranged and something happened to me on that trip.

So I asked my sister if she'd be willing to contact him for me, she did and we reconciled as though nothing ever happened. It was quite a relief. We still had strained times, but it was much better. I found a way to spend time with him, but not take his putting me down. I had gotten stronger so that it was easier to do.

A few years later, our dad was living in a nursing home and we both lived nearby. I had been visiting him regularly – spending evenings there just chatting or watching TV. One evening, my sister called to say that he was not doing well (he had pneumonia along with heart failure) and was being taken to the ER. After a thorough examination, the doctors wanted to put him right into hospice, but I said that I just wanted to give him one more chance. My sister finally agreed and so they admitted him. I basically lived in the hospital with him for the next week. My sister was much closer to him, but she couldn't be there (couldn't handle it).

During that week with him in the hospital, there were some amazing things that happened. In the middle of one night, we both looked up at each other because neither of us could sleep and he spoke to me so sweetly and with such love that I had never gotten from my dad. In those words I could hear his appreciation that I was by his side. He knew he didn't have long to go. He even asked me some very, very deep questions and I was able to answer, and he had a TOTAL and miraculous change of heart. This was all between me and my dad who would have never, ever have asked me a question or trusted me about anything (he very much favored my sister). It was miraculous that he was asking me anything at all. This was the best our relationship had ever been, and it was beyond wonderful for both of us.

My dad had entered the hospital on a Friday, and much of that healing between us took place early the following week. Then his physical body started to go downhill, and I had to make the decision to put him on hospice. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but he could no longer swallow, and I knew that I had to let him go. That Friday, while on hospice care in the hospital, he gently drifted away while I was holding his hands. I am beyond grateful for that time with my dad. It was strange to me that my sister couldn't be there in the hospital, but I understand that somehow, I was supposed to be there with him, that this was all meant to be. I could have never dreamt it would end that way. I have tears in my eyes as a I write this, not out of sadness so much as because of the beauty that unfolded. I had always wished for a good relationship with my dad, and right there in the hospital his last week of life, it changed into a beautiful loving relationship. I feel extremely blessed, and I know he felt that way too!

I do realize that not every relationship can have healing like this, and I honestly never thought it would happen for us. But it did, and I wanted to share that with you.

Madge1, I sincerely wish you and your family all the best during this season in life that is so challenging. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs,
Helen
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Oh my frustrated2, I see so many things in your story that are very much like mine. You father is an enabler, my mother was. My father was verbally abusive, but she never took up for me. Just played the victim. She managed all of the money so she was basically happy. After alot of reading about dysfunctional families, I realize they BOTH were narcissistic and relied on one another to function. My brother and I were just there, I was never really part of the picture. My brother, being a boy, was more valued in the tranditional southern family. Me, the girl, well I would marry someone and go away. Thank God I did and a man from a very fine family. From my husband, my children, and the years away from my crazy family, I have learned that things were and are still a bit dsyfunctional.

In many of the families I have read about on this site and much that I have read on my own, there are two people involved in a dysfunctional and abusive family. The perpetrator and the enabler, sometimes both are perpetrators. I would never let someone abuse my child and do nothing. But that is me.

Dad was so bad I never noticed how nutty mom was. Before Dad died my brother told me dad was not the one who would be trouble in old age, but mom. Boy was he right about that. So my mother, brother and I were given a daily dose of crazy. It stuck with mom and brother, not so much me.

As with my family, frustrated, you have to get rid of them. They are so toxic and will never, never, (did i mention never) change. I have been disappointed on many occasions thinking they would "see the light" or "change their ways". They don't, they are not wrong. I am. As my dear brother-in-law once told me, as a boy growing up in a very strict catholic family, there is the roast beef sandwich and there is the s#@t sandwich. You are supposed to pick the s@#t sandwich and smile. I like that. I am not fond of s#@t sandwiches, how about you? :)
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Being the scapegoat in a dysfunction family is hard. My dad always rewrote history right in front of your very eyes about my mother's nasty behavior toward me. I think being so in denial (his father evidently was an alcoholic who always was remorseful for drinking and embarassing my grandmother with his behavior but he was never mean to her and he did love her and my dad) he learned early on that it is disloyal to call it like it is. My mother is also a compulsive person, though not with drinking. She shops to excess, she lies to suit herself, she would definitely be a full bore hoarder if my dad didn't constantly find places to put her crap. She is NPD and really I believe hates me. But he wouldn't be able to handle that so he always tried to trivialize or explain crazy to me in some way that he thought would make be believe she was sane.
My brother is the golden child. His two kids have been getting Christmas gifts from me forever and a few years ago I called and said this is Aunt___, when I talked to the youngest of the two (he was 17). He said "Who? I didn't know I had an Aunt ___." That was the end of the presents! My parents have berated me to go visit him (he lives on the opposite coast) and they make excuses for why he is way to busy to do the same. On and on. When his wife was sick I sent her flowers. He responded to my efforts by writing me a pompous, ridiculously nasty email telling me that he didn't want a relationship with me because, among other things, we have "never gotten along, even way back to the time you threw sand on my head". This event was the subject of a home movie on the beach when I was 3 and he was about 8 months old!!! My mother has said so many nasty, horrible things about me to people she barely knows and I have at times met them, only to have them tell me later that "based on what your mother told me I didn't know what to expect. You aren't anything like that". (Like WHAT?). There have been times in my life that I hear how I am being written out of the will. My parents generate this with my siblings so that they will tell me (even though they aren't 'allowed to', it is leaked, like from the White House!) and it is constructed to warn me that if I don't fall in line I am out. There is a very valuable diamond ring that belonged to my grandmother who died 20 years ago. My dad called me to his office to tell me that she wanted me to have it but that he was going to give it to my mother and when SHE died then there 'are enough jewelry to go around". I was furious. Why tell me what she wanted and the violate it? I think to cleanse his conscience. Over the years my mother has said that she was 'going to have it reset', etc. Originally both my sisters, when they heard about what my dad told me and what she wanted, said that if she wanted me to have it then I should. Now both of them deny remembering those conversations and my mother at different times told each of them she wanted them to get it! At one point, she told one sister "I don't want ___(me) to have it". My grandmother and I were close and even though my mother I think basically didn't want a baby at 20, when she had me, she was jealous of the close relationship we had. Many times she blamed my grandmother for stealing me (not for helping her with a kid she didn't 'care' for). This is all such a mess. My siblings now remind me of salivating dogs at the prospect of my parents' stuff. So much pitting sibling against sibling has made me completely distance myself. I don't care if I have to eat dog food when I am old, I would never suck up for money! That is truly disgusting. Anyway, I won't have to. My husband and I have planned well. He's seen their act too and agrees that we don't want anything more to do with them. Yuck.
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NancyH.....Ah e-mail. I tried to e-mail my brother for years. Just a hello, how is the son, how is life. No response. My husband sent him a few e-mails from work, he could tell by the program they use that the e-mails were opened and read. No response. I "complained" to my mom that he just never tries to have a relationship with his only sibling. Of course, she takes up for him. "He is just too busy and has to deal with computers at work (who doesn't) and doesn't want to sit on a computer at home. yada, yada, yada" However when he goes on a nice vacation, I get the photos. He got an I-Pad for Christmas. Send pictures of his new home (he has two and no he is not rich, just stupid).

So, you are right, if he wants me, he knows how to use e-mail, just doesn't want to. Too busy.
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Bookworm, thank you, you are wonderful. I know, I will not be a "sludge", love that term.

I don't want anyone to think I am a pushover. That is the reason I am having so much trouble with my mom and brother. I refuse to accept their poor treatment. I have had a lot of time to think about this, my daughter is a lawyer and I know what I can and can not do. It is just hard to think you have to go this far with dysfunctional people. I guess you keep hoping they will "come around".

I am not kidding myself either. It is time to let it go. thanks again.
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Madge, you're doing the right thing cutting your selfish, dysfunctional family loose. Embrace your hubby's family as yours, and be happy that at least you have them. Tell your husband you're sorry that you have complained to him about this for the last 30 years and done nothing about it till now. And tell him how much you appreciate his listening to you, even tho his ears were probably bleeding. :) Oh!... and another thing...change your phone number. If your brother wants to contact you, he can email.
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Madge, your brother only has power of attorney over your mother - not you. Why on earth would you drop everything, jump on the plane and do whatever he dictates to you? Will you now be delegated as a "slave" or "sludge"? (In sci-fi books, a sludge is worse than a slave. Slave still has status. Sludge - their the lowest of the lowest.) Your bro and mom have made it Very Clear that your help is no longer welcomed or wanted. (Note, they didn't even consult with you about all these legalities.) Therefore, you will end up being the sludge - as last resort if son and wife won't do it.

Please think about this situation -not just with your heart - but also with your mind. If this was happening to your best friend or even with your husband and his family, what does it look like from that perspective?

Just separate yourself emotionally from the equation, decide a plan = write it down if it helps - to keep you on the your current path (away from them) and as a reminder.

I hope all goes well with you! Keep us updated, okay? If you decide to disappear from this site, can you say your goodbyes? So we won't have to worry. But if you decide to stay on and help others, we would love that too!! Take care!
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Thank you for all of the kind comments. My brother took my mother to a lawyer on August 7. Made a new power of attorney. He sent me papers in the mail, no note, no comment, nothing. He is her agent, her health care proxy, the executor of her will. And he can appoint a substitute in his place or as the law says 'he can delegate" to someone if he is too busy, as he always is He will delegate to his son or wife.Or have me fly up and do his errands and dictate what I can and can't do.....right. At the very least, they appointed me alternate in case he dies. However, they spelled my last name wrong. I have only been married to my husband 30 years. I just laughed............... too little, too late.
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Book you advice is right on and I hope she takes it to heart-there comes a time when you can do no more to help.
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Madge, things will never change with your family. Your mom and brother will continue to do what they are doing now. I'm glad that you have FINALLY accepted the Situation with Clear Eyes (your daughter saw it.)

1. Your family will always be the same - with no desire of seeing how Their actions affect you. Therefore, they will continue to treat you disrespectfully.

2. Your own immediate family sees the Uselessness of your trying to help your mom. (Your daughter's comment.)

3. Your brother has decided to take over mom (based on his actions) and your mom's obvious approval (by her actions), therefore, ACKNOWLEDGE that YOU have Done YOUR BEST to care for your mom. It's finally time to Let Her Go.

4. You Have Your Own Immediate Family - I think it's time for you to turn all your attention to them and what YOU want of your life. Seek a job? Go back to your hobby (that you can sell/donate it and therefore bask with pride when people admire it or buy it.)

Sadness? Of course you should feel sad. No matter what you did, you had put your heart and soul into your mom. And she repaid you with nastiness.

Guilt? Nah! Flush that guilt down the drain whenever you hear snippets of how mom/brother are doing. You did your best and was rejected. Time To Move On!

Go and hug your family and Thank Them for being Sooooo Patient with you! You have a very caring family, Madge. Treasure it! Take care!
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Madge, that was something that really hit me as I was dealing with all of this, the importance of MY kids and making sure their needs are being met. I was spending so much time dealing with the chaos around my mother that my daughter was on her own and failed a semester of school. I thought my husband was keeping an eye on things and just didn't. I don't care what my kids want to do in life as long as it is making them happy. I have tried to make sure the crazy crap I went through isn't happening to them. Neither of them wanted to spend any extended time with my family. I don't know if it was because they knew my reluctance or if they didn't like it either for their own reasons. My daughter's need for someone to be there was a big part of my initially putting my foot down about how much of my life would get devoured by my mom's ever growing list of demands.
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Frustrated2, we must be related. I am the oldest child, was the better student and artistic. My teachers wanted me to go to college on a scholarship to study art. My parents said "no way." Not going to help with that. Only my brother was encouraged to go to school, but he showed no academic interest.

Even today, if I tell my mother something I have read up on, she will say, "well I have to ask your brother." Slam!!! Knocks you down. Like your husband, my husband, who comes from a family of CPAs, teachers and engineers, is in disbelief at the way my family treats me.

My husband just a few years ago went through the death of his mother. His older brother, who is a CPA, was executor of the sizable estate. There are four siblings in his family and all were kept up on all matters by e-mail. My brother in law also let them know anything they needed to know he was more than glad to talk to them about. All above board and honest. My father in law would have been proud as well as my mother in law. There was respect among the siblings and no unnecessary sniping and back stabbing.

About four months ago my brother called me and told me he was taking mom to a lawyer, redoing her power of attorney, getting a health care directive, making her sign up for Medicare part D, etc. The new power of attorney for her state also has a place for the nomination of a guardian. Looked great to me. He was to get her to name me alternate in case of his death or him not being available to care for her.

Months passed and nothing. Finally about three weeks ago, he called me talking about nothing. When the conversation was wrapping down I asked him if he ever got Mom to the lawyer. He immediately got snarky and lecturing me about his time and being busy and basically just rude. I told him I would never ask again. He was fine with that.

With those comments, I made the remark to mom that he was often rude to me and I was tired of them keeping secrets. I told her she was playing favorites with my brother as she had when we were kids. She flew into a rage. Said the most awful things. It was the straw that broke the camels back.

One of my daughters told me, "Mom, one day you are going to say to hell with those people." Well, that day is here. Thanks for you comments frustrated2
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((((((((((((((((((madge))))))))))))))))))))) glad you have finally done this. I have read many of your posts. It is true that there is no fixing "crazy", unless crazy recognizes that they are, but that doesn't happen because they are crazy!
I will have little or nothing to do with my sis (the golden child) once mother is gone. I keep strong boundaries with mother and have detached pretty successfully. Others care for her, I visit once in a while and keep an eye on things. It is all I can do.
frustrated and others with narcissistic and/or personality disorder parents. and siblings - sounds liike you are doing the right things for yourselves. That is awesome. I takes a while to get there - or did in my case anyway. You have to look after you, and let the rest go. They will go their "merry" (destructive) way with or without you.
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I am so glad to have found this site and seeing how active the responses are, it makes it clear that this craziness is not near as rare as I would have thought. You can feel alone and even bad about yourself until you read what others write. When I step back some of it is so ridiculous that I have to laugh out loud! It is really beyond the pale. But you have to have emotionally put it in perspective to be able to do that.
I read once that from an 'anthropologic' point of view, the eldest of the siblings is usually in some way the favored child. Also that parents unwittingly protect their 'strongest and smartest' to ensure passing on 'superior' genes. This has NOT been the case in my family. I am the oldest and have always overachieved, received awards for being in the top percentage of certain classes and have done well with my career. But my younger brother, who by the way, is not dumb at all, he is smart and has been successful too, is the one not only praised for what a genius he is (every time he has done something at work that received praise he would send the email or whatever to my mother, who sent it out to the world, bragging about him and calling him a 'genious' (that gave us a few laughs). My parents have never known or asked what I did for a living. My brother is an engineer which he was encouraged to become by my dad. I have been a successful sales person in a realm that has been mostly male dominated (industrial supplies, electrical drives, motors, lighting and selling to hospitals). Once my father made the comment that he could see why I would do well "because men like to see a good looking woman". Had nothing to do with any skills that I had to have so it wasn't really even a complement. My sisters, who are nurses and my other brother, who is a CPA followed paths that were advised to them by my parents as well. They do not 'get' me and therefore, what I do has no meaning to them. It is clear to me that rather than being proud of and promoting my abilities they are flattered by the ones who 'do as they say' or emulate them. I am sure that my mother resented my independent spirit and that I didn't exhibit needy behavior as a child, where she could swoop in and be admired for her contribution to 'save' me. Even after a divorce where my ex literally took everything financially, I didn't tell them that I needed anything, although with three young kids, I certainly. I didn't tell them about his staying out all night or any of that and once my mother said "Why didn't you TELL US (whining and dramatic)?". I said because I am a grown up and it's my business. It really didn't occur to me to involve my parents at that age. So what I get from all of this is that unlike 'normal' parents who admire and want to promote a child's independence and ability to handle things in life, their goal is to always be the 'center' around which an entire family revolves.
When I remarried after all three of my kids were grown up and the last one was in college (all went to school, got jobs, all three had scholarships, no one produced a child out of wedlock - all the things my mother told me were sure to happen/not happen since I was divorced) and we've been married 10 years. My dad told my husband that I was 'easier to get along with now that she has married you'. They have always loved my husband, whom I told my past with my parents to and he could not believe then that it could possibly be that bad. Now, after he has dealt with them all this time he says it is so much worse than he could have envisioned and he supports my wanting nothing to do with them! He has lost respect for my dad, who makes excuses for my mother and really, is as much a part of the nuttiness as she is, only in a more passive sense.
Anyway, this is all more of the same. I liked the above comment "I feel better already. Thanks to all"! Hope my stories have helped too. One more thing I have to add - thanks to my supportive, loving husband. If we are fine who cares about the rest of it!
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Thank you all for the comments. Yes, this is a sore subject to many. I have read all of the links about NPD and yes, mom is narcissistic, as was dad and my brother has a helping too. My husband tells me the problem is me. I am not like them, I won't take their abuse anymore. And yes, the way we were treated as children comes back into play when we have to deal with elderly parents.

My brother is not a dishonest man. However, he is arrogant and full of himself. I believe he thinks he is the only person who can take care of mom because he is the only one with brains. He never went to college, isn't that smart but was always the golden child. I have asked several of my relatives, old friends and my husband if all of this is my imagination. I get a solid "NO".

I moved to Florida 22 years ago. My dad never called me once to just say hi. Even today mom never calls me.It is my job to call her, travel to see her and, as she puts it, try and make her happy. I am done.

As the mother of three wonderful daughters, it was my job to support them and help mold them into independent citizens. To make sure I didn't come between siblings, but for the siblings to love and nurture each other. It was my job to stand back and tend the garden. Not to mow it down. Mom has mowed the garden down for the last time.

All dysfunctional families are beyond help unless the individuals recognize their problems and seek help. Unfortunately narcissistic people do no wrong.

I feel better already. Thanks to all.
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You never hear anything before you end up in a situation of dealing with a parents affairs or health needs about this stuff! How all that old chaos and crazy doesn't get better, doesn't go away and seemed to actually get amplified. Part of it may be that your usually older when thrown into the middle of a messed up family dynamic and less willing to put up with it as you did when younger. So many people seem to mention putting some distance between them and family as they became adults . I have considered changing my phone number. I do that every few years anyways. I only have a cell phone and telemarketers and other annoyances seem to get ahold of it and then I start getting sales calls, political calls, survey requests etc. on my cell while I am trying to work or out doing things.

There really needs to be some sort of warning label that if your family dynamic stinks it will be even worse when your parents age.
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